Twilight Sparkle entered her castle’s immense meeting room to find her five friends already seated around the table. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy appeared in good spirits, while Rarity and Applejack looked annoyed. Pinkie Pie just seemed happy to be there.
Twilight held up a hoof. “Greetings, friends!”
Applejack held up a less enthusiast hoof. “Howdy, Twilight.” Then she cut right to the chase. “Any particular reason we’re all meeting inside today while Princess Celestia and Luna appear at their annual Ponyville parade? I mean… not to sound like a sour apple here, but… you know how many apple products I could be selling right now? The crowd around the parade route must be massive!”
Rarity chuckled dryly. “I must concur with Applejack. The moment ponies hear the Princesses are making an appearance in town, suddenly they all want to dress up for the occasion. Dresses and suits and sunhats and ties and—” She glanced at Twilight, still standing by the doorway. “What I meant to say was… I’m sure this is far more important than making money.”
Pinkie Pie bounced around on her chair. “Has Twilight ever not held an important meeting?”
“The importance of paper clips?” Rainbow Dash said.
“The importance of drink coasters?” Fluttershy added timidly. “Although, I must admit, I was rather shocked by the amount of damage a wet glass can do to an unvarnished wooden surface.”
Twilight sighed, crossing the room. “Okay. I think I’ve let you all riff on me for long enough. Now let’s start.” Using her horn, she projected a single, bold word onto the wall. “Today’s topic is… death.”
“Awesome!” Rainbow Dash cheered, while Fluttershy shrank in her chair.
“Or more specifically,” Twilight continued, “failed assassination attempts.”
Again, using her horn, she unveiled countless images onto the wall—some with all six of them, some with a few or only one, and a few with random family members or ponies from around town.
“Assassination attempts can happen with little to no warning and at any time,” Twilight said studiously, “which makes them nearly impossible to predict or forewarn. Thus far, we’ve been lucky. More than lucky, if I’m being honest. But being as well-known as us—”
“I don’t know if we’re that well-known,” Fluttershy said.
Twilight raised a brow. “How much fan mail this week, Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy looked away. “Only one thousand two-hundred and five. You ever notice how some of them just ask the most inappropriate questions sometimes? What’s my favorite tea? What cloud shape is best? What am I wearing? Why is everyone so interested in my nighttime bunny slippers and big, comfy sweater?”
“Moving right along.” Twilight used her horn one last time to project another word. It read: “SOLUTION!” Then she teleported close to the door again. “Everyone ready for the visual demonstration?”
Rainbow Dash shouted, “I sure am!”
“If it’ll get us out of here any earlier…” Applejack muttered.
Twilight called down the hallway, “Spike? Could you give us a hand in here, please?”
Spike’s voice from outside the room: “I can help!”
While they waited for Spike, Twilight conjured a fat book into her hooves. She felt its weight, studied its thickness. She said more to herself: “Hardcover. Six hundred pages. Undamaged spine. Should do nicely.”
Finally, Spike entered the room.
“I can help!” he said again, right before Twilight swung the large text like a baseball bat into Spike’s side, effortlessly launching him into the wall opposite.
SPLAT!
Spike exploded into an abstract painting of purple and green goo. The goo slowly slid down the wall to pool on the floor.
Everyone besides Twilight screamed. Rainbow Dash screamed, too. Death was no longer awesome, it seemed
Twilight glanced at her goo-covered book. “Spike did always want to join my book club. Get it? Book club? Using this book as a club? Not bad, right?”
Rarity angrily pointed at Twilight. “So, that’s your solution to assassination attempts! Killing each and every one of us so there aren’t any more attempts! You’re just as bad as that supervillain last month that wanted to make everyone an alicorn, so that no one would be special!”
Applejack agreed. “I reckon you’re right, Rarity. Only two types of ponies use puns as bad as that. Serial killers or end of their rope stand-up comedians.”
“Everyone just take a breath now,” Twilight said. “This’ll all make sense very soon.”
Done screaming for the moment, Rainbow Dash went to investigate what remained of Spike, still pooling onto the ground. “I know I don’t know much about dragon biology or whatnot, but shouldn’t Spike be filled with blood and not just colorful goo? Where’s the bones? Or internal organs?”
Twilight bit her lip in excitement. “Someone’s about to get herself a gold star!”
Rainbow Dash cocked a brow. “Gold star? This isn’t second grade, Twilight. If you want to bribe me with anything, make it money.”
As she spoke, the puddle of Spike behind her continued to collect, until it eventually popped! back into a fully formed Spike, good as new. “I can help!” he said automatically.
“Ahh! Zombie Spike!” Rainbow Dash rushed to Twilight to take her book, bringing it back down on Spike’s head, effortlessly obliterating it. Spike fell to the ground and already started “reforming” once more.
Twilight smirked. “And look at that. Rainbow Dash just joined my book club.”
Applejack huffed. “One more pun and I’m diving out the window. I swear.”
“Answers! I need answers!” Fluttershy wailed from her seat. “Is Spike alright or not!?”
“Spike’s just fine,” Spike answered from the open doorway, pleasantly munching on a slice of bread covered in gem-jam. He pointed a claw at the nearly finished reforming Spike. “Him? Not so much.”
“Wait.” Rarity’s head turned between the two. “Two Spikes?”
The real Spike munched loudly. “Not quite. I’m Spike. He’s Splat Spike. Or Splike, for short.”
“Splat Spike? What in Equestria is a Splat?”
“Glad you asked!” Twilight chirped, flying to land on the center of the table. “If you’ll all kindly return to your chairs and look under them, you’ll each find a present there.”
Anxiously, they did as she asked, pulling out large white boxes with lids. Pinkie Pie couldn’t wait; she took off the lid and stared at a large mass of pink goo stuffed inside. “This some sort of candy, Twilight? Don’t get me wrong. I do love candy. But this stuff’s all melted.”
“Dump it onto the table, Pinkie,” Twilight said.
“Okay! Your cleaning bill!”
Pinkie Pie dumped out the contents of her box and one pop! sound later, a fully formed “Pinkie Pie” stood before her—albeit slightly translucent and more jelly-like than the original.
“Let me introduce you to your very own Splat Pinkie Pie!” Twilight announced. “Or Splat Pie for short. Would the rest of you please dump out your Splats?”
Four pop! sounds later, four new Splat ponies appeared.
Twilight pointed at each in turn. “Splat Dash! Splat Jack! Splat Shy! And Splat… Rarity? Sorry, Rarity. I really can’t think of anything better.”
Rarity exhaled out her nose. “I think its name is the least of my concerns. More like what is a Splat and why do I even have one?”
Twilight flashed another image onto the wall. She read off it: “SPLAAT: Special Pony Likeness for Attempted Assassination Tactics. Okay, one ‘A’ too many, but you get the idea. It’s made from part plant, part gummy candy, part magical spell, and is absolutely one hundred percent death proof. Highly explosive, too.”
“Cool,” Rainbow Dash said, softly poking her Splat on the nose.
Splat Dash blinked once. “I can help!”
“And what’s with the catchphrase?” Rarity asked. “Is that all they can be bothered to say?”
Twilight nodded happily. “That’s their go to expression, although I’ve managed to infuse a few extra lines into some of them. More… personal lines, if you will.”
“I like hugs!” Splat Shy said.
“Awesome to the max!” Splat Dash added.
“Let’s party!” Splat Pie shouted.
Applejack glared at her Splat before it spoke. She rolled her eyes. “Let me guess. My Splat’s gonna say something ‘apple’ related, isn’t it? Well, hardy-har-har, Twilight. Got me laughing already. Go on. Let’s hear it. Let’s hear the apple-related junk come out its mouth.”
Up on the table, Splat Jack told her earnestly, “The only thing more important than hard work and dedication is treating friends and family with the upmost love and respect.”
Applejack winced. “Now don’t I feel like a jerk.”
Timidly, Fluttershy raised a hoof. “I still don’t quite understand, Twilight. These… Splats. They’re supposed to replace us?”
“Only in dangerous situations or public settings where our safety cannot be guaranteed,” Twilight explained, before eyeing the newly reformed Splat Spike giving normal Spike a piggyback ride. “Hey! What did I say about playing with yourself, Spike!”
Spike shrugged. “Only in my bedroom?”
“Not to sound negative, Twi,” Rainbow Dash asked, “but you really think anyone’s actually gonna believe these things are us? I mean… sure, they look like us. But they definitely don’t sounds like us.”
Twilight smiled thinly. “Just so happens I performed a test run only last week. Anyone recall when Discord kept begging us to play on his hoofball team?”
Pinkie Pie faked exhaustion. “Boy! Would he not take ‘no’ for an answer! But I had a party to plan! And parties always trump hoofball! It’s a fact!”
Twilight’s smile grew. “Thankfully, we did all play on his team. Or our Splat versions did.”
Applejack snorted. “And Discord never realized it wasn’t us? Figures. That jerk.”
Twilight’s smile finally collapsed. “Until the end, that was. Discord and the six Splats managed to win the game, so Discord gave them all one of his trademark group hugs and—”
“Splat went the Splats?” Rarity ventured.
Twilight nodded gravely. “I’ll admit, they are rather fragile. I’ll look into fixing that soon. Regardless, I tried to find Discord in order to explain, but he’s been on the lam ever since. Can’t blame the draconequus. Accidentally killing every member of the Elements of Harmony? Yep. He probably thinks he’s in a bit of hot water.”
Fluttershy whispered to herself, “That explains why he never showed up for boardgame night…”
The castle’s doorbell sounded off. Everyone turned in Twilight’s direction.
“Must be noon,” she said. “Who’s ready for another demonstration?”
As a group, they filed half-way down the stairs to get a good view of the castle’s front door. The doorbell chimed again and Twilight went to answer it. Or Splat Sparkle did.
“You have your Splat answering the door for you?” Rarity whispered atop the stairs.
“Only for protection,” Twilight answered. “You’ll see.”
Down below, Splat Sparkle opened the door and came across a tall mailmare.
“I can help!” Splat Sparkle informed the mailmare. She took the package from her and opened it, glancing at the small butter knife within. “I can help!” she repeated.
“I don’t get it,” Applejack said. “Protection from what?”
“Wait for it,” Twilight warned.
A moment later, the mailmare vanished in a wash of green fire and was replaced by Queen Chrysalis. Cackling wildly, she took the butter knife out of the package and stabbed Splat Sparkle in the chest with it.
Chrysalis grinned madly. “You say you can help, Princess? So can I! Help you die, that is!”
Splat Sparkle eyed the knife in her chest curiously. “I like books!”
“Books?” Chrysalis sneered. “How about the dictionary? Because if you look up ‘dead pony’ in there, you’ll be sure to find your picture next to the definition!”
From atop the stairs, Twilight called out, “This is the fourth day in a row you’ve come here, Chrysalis! By now you have to realize that isn’t me, right?”
Some of Chrysalis’ original glee fell away. “Obviously! But that doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying every second of this! By the way, any chance of renting this thing out? For an afternoon or a weekend perhaps? It’s doing wonders on my stress levels. And I promise not to be too mean to it. And she said it herself—she likes to help!”
“No deal,” Twilight replied bluntly.
Chrysalis grumbled below. “Fine. Then I’ll be back tomorrow with a spork just for you!”
She then took her butter knife back and slammed the door. Splat Sparkle, entirely no worse for wear, turned to the rest of them. “I like books!”
Somberly, Fluttershy shook her head from side to side. “I don’t know how you can be so mean to your Splat, Twilight. Look at her! So innocent and sweet.”
“But she’s also not real,” Twilight said. “None of the Splats are! Part candy. Part plant. Part magic. Give it a chance and I promise nothing bad will happen with them.”
Right before something bad happened.
Ripping both front doors off their hinges, Princess Luna galloped inside… covered head to hoof in white and gold goo. She leveled a hoof at Twilight. “You have some explaining to do, Twilight Sparkle!”
Back in the upstairs meeting room, both Princess Luna and Twilight tried to make sense of the situation. It seemed there had been an attack during the Ponyville parade the Princesses were apart off. The weapon of choice? A standard green pickle.
“A pickle?” Rarity chuckled. “Someone threw a pickle at Princess Celestia? But why?”
Luna cocked her head in Rarity’s direction. “My sister explodes in front of the entire town and you laugh?”
Rarity grimaced. “Well, you know, pickles and all. Not the most common of death weapons.”
Luna continued on as the white goo coating her dripped to the floor. “Up atop the parade float, it was clear who had done the nasty deed the moment I saw that pickle in the air. Last week, my sister and I tried a new sandwich shop in Canterlot. A tasty place, to be sure. With friendly, attentive staff. Yet Celestia left her sandwich’s pickle spear completely untouched.”
“Not even a nibble? Not even a teeny-tiny bite?” Pinkie asked with earnest shock. “That poor chef! That pickle on a toothpick isn’t just there for decoration, you know!”
“Exactly,” Luna agreed. “A disgruntled chef explains most of what must’ve happened today, but what it definitely does not explain is how the Princess of the Sun was defeated by a well-thrown pickle! A watermelon? Maybe. Cantaloupe? Anything’s possible. But a standard green pickle?”
Her eyes narrowed on Twilight, who reddened at once.
“B-but!” Twilight stuttered. “I-I sent you a letter explaining everything! Over a week ago! That Splat Celestia would take her place during the parade! For a practice run!”
“You believe I actually read each and every letter I am sent? But fear not. I don’t actually believe Celestia is dead. Despite what the public might think, I know my sister is not entirely made of goo. That’s why I came here first. Usually when something explodes in Equestria, Twilight had something to do with it. So, out with it. And perhaps while you’re explaining yourself, I could get a towel?”
While Luna ranted, Fluttershy grabbed hold of her Splat and held it close. She whispered to it, “How terrible. As if anyone would want to hurt one of these adorable, innocent creatures! Be it pickle-related accident or otherwise…”
“I like hugs,” was Splat Shy’s bland response.
“I know you do,” Fluttershy said, giving her Splat a quick peck atop the head.
Across the room, Twilight illuminated her horn. “You won’t even need a towel, Princess. Here.” Then she carefully removed all goo fragments off of Luna, dumping them onto the floor to reform. Which they did. Rather fast.
Pop!
And just like that, Princess Celestia appeared. Or the Splat-version of her.
Splatlestia.
Very unlike Fluttershy’s Splat, who had exploded the very moment Fluttershy had squeezed her too tight, popping like some pierced water balloon.
Luna grimaced at the yellow and pink goo covered pegasus. She pulled a business card out of thin air. “This is a therapist I sometimes see. Might do wonders after today.”
Fluttershy took it without speaking. Or moving. Or blinking.
Rainbow Dash flew to her side to give her a nudge. “Nice going, Twilight! You broke Fluttershy!”
Twilight exhaled sharply. “I didn’t mean to! She clearly squeezed Splat Shy too hard. I told you they were highly sensitive.”
“Then why’d you make them that way?”
“I said I was working on it!”
From outside the castle windows came the sounds of shrieks, screams, and ponies scrambling in all directions.
“Now what?” asked Applejack grumpily.
“I am unsure,” Luna said, perking her ears. “After the pickle attack, I summoned the real Celestia to Ponyville in order to quell any rumors that might arise. Whatever this is must be something new.”
All eyes in the room fell on Twilight.
“What?” she asked sheepishly. “Anytime an entire town screams in fear, it’s because of me?”
“Does this mean there are more of these Splats running loose?” Rarity questioned. “Honestly, darling. You really have to approve this type of stuff with us before you go ahead and do it.”
Ignoring her, Twilight crossed the room to Splat Celestia, and began fiddling with her horn.
“Now what are you up to?” Luna asked. “This Splat has been through enough today.”
Twilight continued adjusting the Splat’s horn until she had it right. “This was my very first prototype. As such, I gave it a built-in radio receiver. Why? Not sure now. But if this has anything to do with the group of Splats I sent to the Frozen North, we’ll know in a minute.”
Twilight used a hoof to pop Splat Celestia’s mouth open. A jolly song filled the room.
“Here comes the sun… here comes the sun…
And I say it’s alright…”
“Wrong station.” Twilight readjusted the horn and a proper newscast was heard.
“It is with heavy hearts that we officially announce the passing of all members of the Elements of Harmony,” the announcer read, clearly holding back tears. “As a group, they ventured to the wastelands of the Frozen North where it was rumored that ex-tyrant King Sombra had been secretly piecing himself back together with the use of modeling glue. They confronted the dark unicorn, who in return handed over the white flag of surrender and called for a hoofshake truce between the two feuding groups…”
“That doesn’t sound so bad!” Pinkie said.
"Unfortunately, each mare spontaneously exploded once the hoofshake was received.”
“Never mind!” Pinkie finished.
The announcer continued gloomily, “King Sombra has thus far reaffirmed his innocence, while a listener poll had this to say on the matter: one percent of listeners believe he is guilty; one percent believe in his innocence; while a whopping ninety-eight percent of listeners responded, ‘Who?’ A Frozen North judge has therefore sentenced the ex-King to Tartarus forever. And ever. And ever. And ever. Plus five days for littering.”
With a hoof, Twilight shut Splat Celestia’s mouth, ending transmission.
She lightly tapped on her chin. “You know what? I’m starting to have second thoughts on this whole Splat idea. Magic protective bubbles worked fine until now, am I right? Now if you’ll excuse me, I suddenly have the very strong urge to let my family know I’m not actually dead.”
With that said, Twilight ran from the room, as did the rest immediately after.
Leaving only Fluttershy and the newly reformed Splat Shy. Using as little pressure as possible, Fluttershy patted her Splat on the head, who happily smiled in return.
Maybe therapy could wait after all.
Author's Note
