I can’t remember where it exactly happened or how it happened, first thing I knew I was flying to my next class and then everything became blurry… when I woke up I was meet by this place: four white walls, a blue ceiling and a window. Four walls, a ceiling and a window, that was everything I had, and it wasn’t really mine.
It took me a while to get used to it, to lie in a bed twenty four seven, to be feed and cleansed; unable to speak, to express, to move or even feel… Those last one were the worst.
Four walls, a window and a ceiling, those were the only ones who remained; those were the only ones who could bear me. All the others who tried—or at least I want to think that they tried—forget me in the matter of days… or months? I can’t really tell, but does it count? If they really were my friends then why stop visiting me? It’s because I couldn’t thank them? Because I couldn’t cry out of joy when they first visited me? Because I couldn’t laugh with the jokes they made?
Because I did, I did all of that and more. I’m sorry, but being unable to express it was not entirely my fault. I can apologize for being a failure in life, I can apologize for flying through a wind rush and ending like this, but I can apologize for what my condition obliges me to do.
It was their fault; they could keep trying. A day, an hour a week, the minute of a month! Anything that could last more than the glimpse of an eye would have been enough! I mattered to someone besides those four walls, the window and the ceiling. That simple thought would have been enough!
But nothing, no one came; no one could bear it, not even my parents. It was by that time that I started to recognize something in others: the look on their eyes, it started to make sense to me. I was able to understand their thoughts by simply looking at them—thank goddess the pillow was high enough to allow me see the others in the eyes.
I was hesitant at first, asking myself if I was really correct with my guesses. All I could see in the others was that look of hopeless, no, I’m being too vague: They seemed to want to say something, to do something. Anxiety and resign at the same time, that’s what I saw on most of them.
That was until this morning, when someone opened the wall in front of me, leaving a rectangular open hole in it. Up to this day the door of my room was only an instrument for others. So little importance it had to me that most of the time I preferred to think that ponies just popped inside my room. But today, my sister visited me, and the first thing she made was leaving a chair in the door so it remained open.
She entered and started to explain why she had not been there with me since the beginning, something about my parents and her, and I think she said something about a fight. I couldn’t really catch everything she said; I was too focused on the door and what it meant for me.
Four walls, a ceiling and a window… those were everything for me; anyone and anything else disappeared at the matter of seconds. But there laid the door, showing me that there was more. My heart ached furiously at the memories of what I used to do, where I used to be, who I used to be.
My sister kept doing her things, moving from one corner of the room to the other as she left things near my field of view. Colorful things, fluffy things, comfy things, beautiful things; I took my time to appreciate each one the next day. But that morning, everything I was focused on was on the promise beyond that door.
I wanted to see my friends, my mother, my father; I wanted to show them that I could be something beyond an empty shell if only they could help me. I just wanted to live like I used to, with them.
And for that to happen I needed to go past that door. That’s when I finally looked at my sister. She seemed exalted after moving all the things she did, but most importantly, she didn’t look like the others. Whatever she was feeling was something I had not read from others before.
Yet, maybe was her proposal of taking me out what take me more out of ward. Was that even possible? Why no one else thought about it earlier? What would the doctors say about it?
“Take good care of him, and call me if anything happens”
That’s it. That was everything they said before Fluttershy pulled me out of those four walls. It made me think about my friends and about their decisions. Were they afraid that something could happen to me if they were to take me outside? My parents surely were, but that was normal on them, I was the only bold minded in the family so it was a thing of them to be afraid.
And then again, Fluttershy waked me up from my thoughts. She asked me if there was something wrong. Why would she ask that? Of course there was something wrong, up to that point no one else wanted to take care of me! They just visited, as if I were an obligation, a meet up in which no one wanted to stay. Was I really that dispensable?! Was even worth all the time we spent-
“Breeze, you are crying…”
Crying… she said I was crying; she knew I was crying, not even I knew that until the tears started to form at the bottom of my eyes a couple of seconds later. I focused on her and blurred everything else, wondering how she managed to look through me.
One, three, five solid seconds passed and she was still looking at me with that same look. She was worried for sure, but in contrast with everyone else it was like comparing a tornado with a swift gust of wind.
“Don’t you worry,” she said, before pulling a handkerchief and cleaning the tears off, “you’ll get better with enough time, just enjoy this peacefulness while it last.”
Somehow, even though I couldn’t control my breathing, I felt as if I just had taken a deep breath. It made the world around me less blurry and noisy. There were no more thoughts bombing inside my head, only me, my sister, and the beautiful garden at the back of the hospital.
I stood entranced at the look of the garden. The world had kept moving forward even though I wasn’t there; the beauty of the flowers had remained intact even though I had been rooting inside an empty space for Celestia knows how long.
While I was lost in my thoughts, Fluttershy sat by my side and told me how eager she was to see me. She told me her thoughts about my situation, how she feared the idea of not being able to express herself in the slightest; how horrible would be to wait in isolation till the day she gets better, and how she didn’t wanted for anyone to feel like that.
My sister is one of a kind, isn’t she? I can bet she would do this for anyone in the same situation; even more, I can assure it, her eyes are all the proof I need. Those eyes of her, who always showed fear or anxiety, were now at peace, happy with her decision.
I focused on the near girasols which were moving tenderly with the wind while she looked at the distance, a smile plastered on her face. I wondered how long this could last, how many days it would take her to go out of my life like everyone else did.
That day, however, didn’t seem to come at any time. She was there with me the next day, and the day after that, and so on. The days became weeks, and those weeks became months. She told me about her days, read me both her and my kind of books, kept me informed with the world of hair fashion. Always wearing that same feeling inside her…
she was doing something for a good cause, she was doing something that fulfilled her, she… she was feeling something that I had yet to this day never have.
Being successful.
It was something beautiful to look at the least; something to admire. Somepony doing its best for the good of others, taking time out of their life to make somepony else happy, expecting nothing, not even a smile for the effort. How she managed to do it? How anyone could? What could drive you to do it? There is nothing for you at the end, not even…
What the… godness…
Fluttershy jolted, “Zephyr? You are crying again.”
Of course I am, can’t you see it in my face like I do with you?! Can’t you see through my soul?! I am just like them too! I bet they lasted more than what I could ever last!
She stood up quickly while squeaking an Oh my! Before running to me with handkerchief in hoof. She started to clean my tears, showing me how selfless she was, how wholesome she was, how not even I was able to be the pony that could save me.
Later that afternoon, a nurse injected me some drugs to knock me out, fearing that I was going through an attack. Fluttershy tried to convince her otherwise but it was useless at the end. By the time I woke I was met with a place that up to this point was starting to detach myself from.
Four walls, a ceiling, and a window, it was my room… a fitting place for someone like me. The thought of this being my home until the rest of my days was now a pleasant one. Yes, this is the place for someone like me, a selfish pony who want everything to be handled to him. Yes, I wish those flowers were rotten at my absence, that my friends admired me and looked for me; I wanted that my parents were brave enough to face my condition. I want to be the center of the world. I want everyone to be worried for me, and at the same time I want to not have to worry for the others good behalf.
I just don’t want to be alone…
“Zephyr?”
My eyes jolted up. That voice, it was my sister. I glanced to my left and there she was, resting on a chair. Wait, how I was seeing her? She was out of my field of view, wait, did I moved my eyes? Did I move my whole head to the left?!
“Ahm,” Fluttershy said, before placing a hoof below her chin, “Zephyr, can’t you hear your own voice?”
What?
“You just spoke, quite a lot to be honest. Don’t you worry, I won’t tell anyone, but…” she paused and approached to me, “you should start considering changing a little if you really don’t want to end up alone.”
She then smiled to me, a tear rolling down her cheeks. She was happy to see her brother finally returning to normality. And I-I could only glare at the ceiling, that empty ceiling which now seemed like the infinite space.
I will get better; back to my previous life. There was no excuse for me now… I’ll see my friends again, and we’ll avoid the issue: that they left me alone, that I would do it myself if I were them…
I’ll have to keep working, doing something I’m good at, yet knowing that I will never get as happy as my sister was while taking care of me.
Should I really get better? It’s not fair… someone like me shouldn’t be saved.
“Zephyr,” Fluttershy was still there, holding my hoof for what I could see. I looked at her, “no pony is perfect in this world. Don’t say that you shouldn’t be saved because you consider yourself a bad pony. If life is giving you another chance is because it wants you to see your own goodness for yourself.”
But I can’t Fluttershy, I can’t be like you, what lie-
“You want to be like me?” she asked, not an ounce of intrigue in her eyes, yet her tone seemed more harsh than before.
Well, no, I mean yes, it just.
“So you want to stop being yourself,” she offered.
What no, no, your life is good but I couldn’t bear.
“Why is that?”
Because it will be boring, and I don’t want that.
“Then what do you want?”
I just, just-
“Zephyr…”
“I just want to have a meaning, ok?! To do something I like and feel whole because of it. I want to feel the same way you felt while helping me… I want to succeed in something good and be happy for it…” I paused, and then avoided her gaze. “I want to be the Fluttershy who saved me” I finished with a sigh.
…
Finally, I was able to tell the difference between my voice and my thoughts. But it didn’t matter at the moment. I wasn’t surprised in the least for those words or bothered for the aching left in my lungs after that outburst; the thing that bothered me was how my sister would take them.
“Zephyr,” She breathed all the while as she wiped my face, her tone now serene and soft, “I do believe now, without any doubt, that you should be saved.”
She took me with her hooves and made me look directly at her eyes, her determined eyes filled with hope, “you just gave yourself a meaning, and life is giving you a chance to fulfill it. Maybe it will be hard to accomplish, or maybe not; all that matters is that Zephyr,” she got closer to me and her lips curled up into a smile, “you can be the Zephyr that will save somepony else.”
It has been a month since I was given the white card at the hospital. Assimilating back to my previous life was hard, that’s for sure. A lot of friends were lost in the process, along with the definition itself, but I think the new definition that I have for friend, along with a couple of special ponies, are making up the difference quite well. Anyway, I am happy to say that I finally ended the transition and know there is only one thing left in that hospital for me to take care off.
After passing the main door and meeting a couple of known faces in my way through the corridors, I found myself in that place once again:
Four walls, a ceiling, a window… and another pony.
“Hey pops,” I saluted, earning nothing from the old stallion resting in the bed, “I just got some old cassettes and vinyl from my dad collection. He said that they would rock you out of that illness.”
The colt didn’t said nor he did anything in response, yet, there was no need for it…
I already knew that me being there with him was enough.
