Plants are stupid

by MildlyDepressed

Rating: mature
Tags: Narcotics, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death, Original Character, Comedy, Profanity, Non-consensual, Violence, Sex
Length: 1183

Plants are stupid, and one pony sets out to prove that this statement is very true

Quick Spice hates plants, which is really stupid because his whole livelyhood is dependent on them. Regardless, he shows everpony just how stupid plants can be.

Published 2018-11-18 05:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-11-18 05:10:02 UTC

Too much Oregano can cause death

Quick Spice was enjoying his day, he had woken up on the right side of the bed, and his breakfast was amazing. He decided to go on a nice little stroll because the sun was shining and the birds were singing.

This wonderful day went to shit, because some stupid fucking tree had some big fucking roots that Quick tripped over.

"BUCKING DAMNIT, STUPID BUCKING TREE. I SWEAR TO TWILIGHTS SUPPLE ASS I WILL KILL YOUR FAMILY!"

Quick is also a massive as whole that everyone hates. Nearly every ~~Milf~~ mother in town had come to resent him for being a terrible influence on the innocent and impressionable children. Quick really didn't care. He just wants two things. Pussy and ponys to recognize him as a competent spice conesiour, he probably will get neither of those things but who cares.

"Hey Quick, you got any basil I can put in my soup?"

Some random pony asked Quick if he had basil, of course he does, but instead of telling him this Quick decides to be a little bitch.

"Why the fuck would you put basil in your soup? Use some bucking oregano. Oregano is the only thing you should put in soup you idiot. Basil is a garnish for pasta and nothing else."

"Ok Quick, can I have some oregano?"

"Why the fuck do you think I have oregano?"

"Because you sell spices."

"Suck my giant dick."

And with those parting words, Quick left. He was terrible at actually selling anything so he was in debt. He also hasn't paid his taxes in 2 years. But that's not important right now.

" Hey Twilight, will you have sex with me?"

Oh look, there is Quick being a total dipshit. Twilight obviously wasn't going to have sex with him, but he is still trying to get some princess pussy. Well, at least he tries.

"Eww, get away faggot."

Twilight is apparently also homophobic so that's something new you just learned. Quick, heart broken and sexually frustrated, decided to fuck off to the Everfree Forest.

While in the Everfree, Quick tried to find some extra spice, something exotic and never before tasted by ponies. Quick also tried get some fuck from Zecora. Obviously he didn't get any so we will skip useless dialogue.

While meandering through the Everfree, Quick was startled, a Timberwolf jumped out of some random ass bush. Quick, being the useless spice rack he is, gets rekt. Instead of being eaten. He gets facefucked by the wooden doggie.

Imagine deepthroating a tree branch. Thats what Quick was doing, but except of a normal stick, this was enchanted freaky wolf dick stick. This made Quick super gay because he didn't say no homo. After having his face thoroughly fucked, Quick was left by the wood dick wonder. He had a mouth full of tree sap and there was some small leaves on the ground. These leaves were Timberwolf pubes. Yeah, that's right. Anyway, Quick grabs them and goes home.

Quick wakes up the next day. His throat hurts really bad, but he's testing some spice today. Those leaf pubes from wood doggo were under trial to see if they would be good in the market. He made some cheese ravioli and put some good ole Wolfdique on that shit and went to town.

Many unsuspecting ponies ate those timber pubes, but they liked it. They liked it so much, they bought a lot of it. This of course, meant that Quick would go to the Everfree to either molest or get molested by Timberwolves.

He got rich pretty darn quick.

Not long after his new found success, Quick found some new shit. This is what he found. It was weed, kush, Mary Jane, ganja. The good shit.

About three weeks into selling it, he had some surprise visitors. The Equestrian FDA and IRS busted down his door and served some sweet, poetic, justice.

The following week, Quick was fucked in many ways, he had his money and buisness seized, and he got ass raped in prison. He dropped the soap like a total fucking idiot.

Quick only had like a week of jail time for plot convenience, so he moved to Manehattan to escape the disgrace he made of himself in Ponyville.

Quick had really lost his shit. He was homeless and broke. Luckily for him he looked kind of girly.

A pimp strode on by and took one look at Quick and said.

"You lookin to make some money?"

"Yeah, I'm super desperate and would do anything."

"Want to be a prostitute?"

"Isn't that only for mares?"

"Don't worry, we'll figure something out."

"Cool, I have a job!"

It wasn't that cool, he did some butt stuff and sucked a whole lot of cock. Still couldn't get Pussy, but he got lots of cock.

After a time skip of about 2 years, Quick is still a hoe, he is content getting used by stallions that are just as lonely as he is.
Quick was working at a corner near a bakery when he saw some sweet ass.
No kidding though, that donkey was fucking hot, she was muscular but in a sexy way, and her eyes were rich pools of amber.

Quick approached her.

"Hey girl, you looking Hella fine tonight. Looking for some company?"

"Sure stranger. Follow me, I know just the place."

Surprisingly, they went to get some cheese pizza.

Unsurprisingly, they went back to her apartment and fucked.

Quick was no slouch when it came to the game of hide the magic pony dick. He was crying because that pussy was super lit fam. Her hot, moist, love tunnel fit like a glove. They kept going for hours until the sun rose.

Eventually they would get married.

After being married for five years and having 6 kids, Quick was happy. He was so happy, he cooked some Hella good soup and put some oregano in it. Unknowingly, he spilled a ton of oregano into the soup.

Half way into the family meal, Quick noticed something was wrong. He was struck by immense pain, as was his family. His kids died immediately. He fell from the table and crawled to his wife.

"It was spice to have you in my life."

Before his wife could respond, they both died.

Quick Spice woke up in a cold sweat. He was in the hospital.

"What happened?"

"You tripped on a tree and hit your head, you were out for three days."

"Wow, that was a crazy dream."

At that moment Shrek entered the hospital room. He squatted like a slav and licked Quicks ear. He then whispered.

"Ogres are like onions."

He penetrated Quick Spice's ass without a courtesy lick in the rear. Before Quick knew it, he was dead. He simply failed No Nut November.

Everyone pressed F to pay respect.

Author's Note

if you survived this atrocity, know it was intentionally terrible. Feel free to dislike as much as you want, I won't judge you.