Twilight Writes a Report

by Maxaroni_And_Cheese

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 1203

In which the title describes the story.

Twilight does not like her new job. The librarian part is fine, yeah, but Oh My God, The Ponies Never Stop. Plus, she has to write reports on how this ‘improves her life.’ Easy, right?

Published 2018-11-18 14:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-11-18 14:40:01 UTC

Easy, Right?

“Rarity. I swear to fucking Celestia and any elderitch horrors that may be listening. If you whore yourself out to Spike one more time, and this library doesn’t get clean...” Twilight paused to gulp a large flask of whiskey, before slamming it onto the table like the raging alcoholic Celestia has manipulated her into becoming. “I will turn you inside out. Through the ass.” Applejack refilled Twilight’s glass.

“Uh... sugar, don’t ya think she’s plenty used to that sorta foolery by now? Especially given that whole... situation a few months back?” Rarity harrumphed and turned up her nose.

“Funny, I’d think you’d be used to respecting your superiors by now. Guess we’ve both failed at living our best lives, hmm?” She purred. “And also,” Here she glowered at the both of them, “How would you two know about that? Can stallions really still not keep their mouths shut, outside of the bedroom, that is?”

“Ah reckon the whole damn town knows about all those details of yer sex life at this point. Ah mean...” She took off her hat and polished it against her chest, a stupid gesture as hats cannot be polished. “Ya can’t really be subtle when yer gonna be that loud.”

Rarity gave a sly smile here, placing a manicured hoof on the table. “Wellll, dearie, any scenario combining five pounds of feathers, chains and a few buckets of white chocolate may sound unusual, but-“

“Girls.” Twilight slammed her hooves on the table, shaking it and eliciting a sharp gasp from Rarity, probably because Rarity was used to being the one who got slammed. “Shut the fuck up. Rarity, I already know way too much about your sex life. Applejack, I don’t care if you’re the only other sane one in this town, you’re an earth pony. I don’t want your opinion on my torture methods. I was taught how to manipulate and punish ponies from age five, by God herself. I don’t need your help, and I don’t want it.”

“Y’all are really just laying the racism on thick today, aren’t ya? Ah figured that since Ah brought ya whiskey and all, y’all would be a little more appreciative.” Applejack looked throughly annoyed at this point, nearly ready to up and leave. Of course, she wouldn’t actually do that, seeing as the only ponies and town who could hold a sane conversation were of course, the two previously mentioned racist assholes right in front of her.

“Oh my Celestia, do you even know what that word means? No, no. Don’t strain yourself, I sure Twilight has a dictionary somewhere for you. If Earthponies can even read, that is.” Rarity said patronizingly, glaring at Applejack. “You know, the only way the company in this room could get worse is-“ All at once, glass from a nearby window shattered inwards, a blaze of color and stupidity entering the room, instantly dimming everyone’s intelligence via merely existing in the same room. Somehow that is admittedly somewhat admirable, as only one pony could really pull that off.

“Suddenly, Rainbow Dash the awesome smashes through Twilight’s window for the fourth time that week. She’s awesome, and very Rainbow, not to mention, awesome!” Rainbow Dash indeed had smashed another one of Twilght’s windows, and was currently laying in a growing pool of her own blood. Everypony else in the room stared at her. Twilight with growing agitation and murder, because Twilight had a good murder stare, and, if anything else, Ponyville had at least let her use that very, very frequently. Rarity with disgust and... well, no, just disgust. Applejack alone looked mildly horrified and concerned. This was probably because Twilight was a drunken sociopath, and Rarity was just plain racist.

“Oh man. She’s so awesome. All the other ponies in the room wished they could be as awesome as her. Or at least as awesome as her.” Rainbow Dash stood up, stumbling for a few lengths, blood dripping like the time she attempted to create a hamster ball of dish soap. “Oh man, I’m dizzy. And awesome. This is like that time Pinkie put candy into my cider for me! Ahaha. She’s so awesome.” Twilight’s expression become murderous as blood had begun to stain her newly cleaned and lemony floor, now corrupted like the ruined thoughts of the children after meeting The One and Only Rainbow Dash.

“Fucking hell, Dash, I will get a restraining order against you if you keep crashing through my windows-“ She started, nearly foaming at the mouth. Rarity rested her cheek on her hoof, rolling her eyes at Twilight.

“Dear, saying her brain is the size of a pea would be insulting to peas. We all know from the schoolhouse incidents that she either does not care for or does not understand restraining orders. After all, we are talking about the pony that only knows one adjective, here. And besides, at least when she’s smashing through your windows she isn’t trying to mess with the weather anymore. Remember last week? Nopony knows how she did that, and quite frankly most of us are scared to find out. But she managed to do it anyways, and tramatized half the ponies watching.” Rarity flipped her mane prestigiously at that, dainty sipping her fruity drink. Rainbow Dash stomped her hoof and spread her wings triumphantly.

“Yeah! I always find a way into foal-related areas! Locked doors can’t stop me. I'm awesome! Also, I know two advertisements now!” Rarity and Applejack looked utterly disgusted with Rainbow. They had the kinda face you get where your idiot foal pukes while trying to clean the dog’s mess, and then you have to hold the dog off from eating it. It was the face reserved for when you tried to hug someone and they licked your ear, being disturbing attentive and leaving you with better hearing. Twilight however, ignored most of Rainbow Dash’s sentence, as Rainbow dash was not a unicorn. No, in fact, Twilight shot up in her seat, instantly levitating over a notepad and pen. She set herself to write quickly, and faced Dash while mumbling under her breath frantically.

“I can’t believe it. This is amazing, spectacular! A new discover fit for books! I’ll be famous!” Her friends looked at her, then Dash strangely. However, Twilight’s next statement cleared out any and all confusion like an eraser on God’s Mistakes. Then again, if he had an eraser, Rainbow Dash simply would not exist. And, as she is the current topic of conversation, it is mostly clear that she very possibly, does in fact exist. Unfortunately. However, at this moment, Twilight was massively pleased with the unfortunate, pitiful existence of one Rainbow Dash. For it meant that even the lowest of intelligence could improve upon itself.

“I can’t believe it can learn! Twilight shrieked.

Author's Note

I have never done this. Again. I have never done this. I have never done this.

That clear? Okay, please correct any mistakes, unless you’re gonna say something about ponies being OOC. That’s the whole point. That’s the only thing driving this lack of a plot. This story is like Rarity. It literally has no real plot. Just silicon implants at the most.