The Most Random Story on Fimfiction?
One day, Twilight Sparkle woke up. But this was no ordinary day. For you see, on this day, her bathtub was on afire.
But it was all ok, because Spike loves to bath in fire. Cleans off all of the bacteria. But for mortal Twilight?
It was not okay. Bathtubs on fire are generally viewed to be a bad thing by ponies. And so she shouted, “Spiiiiike, why is the bathtub on fire?!?”
Spike emerged from the tub’s flame. “Oh hey Twi, didn’t know you were up yet.” Having to meet Celestia very shortly, she went into full lesson zero mode, lighting herself on fire (unintentionally of course).
And well, it turns out that only the very outer parts of the walls of Twilight’s castle are made of crystal. The inner supports are all particle board. Extremely flammable stuff, that particle board.
But something was off in the castle, Twilight thought to herself as she ran out of the burning castle. Why am I running? What in the world happened to. . . My wings!
Yes, something was rotten in the state ~~Denmark~~ Equestria. Her wings were missing! Was this all a bad dream, or had reality turned into a horrible nightmare?!”
As the author stepped back from the typewriter, something strange began to happen, his lines began to edit themselves! “What in the world? This wasn’t meant to happen for another chapter or three!”
Twilight, now cognizant of her position as a fictional character, looked around and watched reality fold and collapse on itself. There was only one pony who could possibly understand what the buck was going on. She had to reach Pinkie Pie.
As soon as she thought the name, Pinkie Pie appeared, and all of a sudden reality coalesced back into a. . . pumpkin pie? “I love seasonal pastries!” She cried out as she hopped up and down on the strangely trampoline-like surface of the pie.
Twilight recapped her morning for Pinkie. “Okay, so this morning I woke up and my bathtub was on fire and then I caught on fire and then my castle caught on fire and I realized I didn’t have wings and then I realized I was a fictional character and then reality started collapsing and then I thought about you and that caused you to be summoned and now we’re standing here on a giant bouncy pumpkin pie.”
“Wowzies!” Pinkie exclaimed. “You know what? After this, you’ll have a sense all your own, just like the rest of the Pie family. Now let’s see. . . shall we call it sparkle-sense or Twi-sense?”
“No clue!!” Discord said as he appeared within the story. But me, myself, and I all agree that the proper terminology is ‘Twily-Sense’.”
“Discord!” shouted Pinkie and Twilight in unison, as Eurobeat music began to play.
A fourth Discord appeared. “I’m afraid, dear friend, that you are not agreeing with me, yourself, on this.”
“And just who am I you ask?” Unzipping a previously nonexistent zipper, Discord’s sister, Eris, stepped out of her Discord costume.
“Eris?!” shouted Pinkie and Twilight and the three Discords, as polka music began to play.
“Yep, that’s right, it’s me, here to shake this party up with some good old fashioned chaos.”
“But sis,” Discord #2 pleaded, “don’t you think this story is already chaotic enough?”
Pinkie Pie’s rapper gear appeared at the author’s whim as Twilight tried to finish up a commission for Discord.
“Hey Twi, you in here?” came the call of her best friend and wife, Rainbow Dash.
“In here,” Twi called back, “Just want to get the finishing touches on this story before dinner.”
“AHHHHHH!” Pinkie yelled. “This story is too random even for me! We need to dial it the heck back before the chaos overwhelms us all!”
Having finished her tale, Celestia took both a moment and a deep breath before continuing.
“So that, Twilight, is what I foresaw might happen if Discord had not been contained by friendship and instead remained as a rogue villain”
Finishing her a line of her notes, Twilight looked up to the Princess. “Now if you could tell me about Tirek. . . ”
After another three stories and several hours later, the two alicorns sat at Donut Joe’s, with the donuts being paid for by Cadence, though neither mare planned to tell her. It was one of the oldest traditions of royalty: to pin each member with a food they indulged in embarrassingly. Which is why the whole cake-in-the-news thing hadn’t been that scandalous of a concept.
Anyway, after all that, Twilight teleported home to her house. Spike was still taking a flaming bath, but everything else had all been a lurid part of Celestia’s imaginative story telling. But it did make her realize something: She really did have a crush on Rainbow Dash. It was time to act on that crush.
“Not so fast, Twilight Sparkle!” Came the voice of Discord. Turning around, she found him with a pie ready to be thrown into her face.
“What do you want?” Twi asked, grating her teeth.
“I… I want you, Twilight. I lurv you. Please, marry me, Twilight! Then all those cute Loppodity drawings will come true!
As soon as the sketches magically attached themselves to the walls, two very pissed off females entered the room. One was human Fluttershy. The other? The regular ol’ pony version of Rainbow Dash.
“Oh my,” said Fluttershy. Then she fainted, on account of being surrounded by adorable talking ponies. Plus discord. He wasn’t very adorable. He’s kind of ugly, in fact.
And as for Rainbow Dash? She went up to Discord and punched him. “Hey! Twilight is my waifu. Get your own, you hodgepodge abomination!”
Discord looked visibly hurt. “Couldn’t… couldn’t we share?”
So they did. Twilight Sparkle married both Rainbow Dash and Discord, and Pinkie Pie officiated the wedding (She’s a licensed Episcopalian priest). And they spent many happy years together and had lots of kids.
The End
After pressing the submission button and stepping back from the computer, Discord and Eris high fived one another.
“That, dear sister, is the most mentally chaotic story we have concocted yet!”
“Then same time next week?”
“Absolutely, I’ll even bring Fluttershy if you’ll bring Flutterguy”
And all was well.
