~*~
You glance over at Gabby where she walks beside you, smiling coyly. She’s blushing slightly after a wonderful dinner date, and you can’t help but smile as well. But it’s not because of the food, which was honestly overpriced anyway and lacked any good lamb sauce. No, it’s because there’s a simple fact you can’t get out of your head. This is date number three and you know what that means.
Yep, you’re going to bang the catbird.
She’s been silent for more than a minute, a shocker considering her usual constant yapping, so you know she must feel the tension in the air as well. You’ve got a condom in your back pocket which you’re not sure you’ll actually need (Can human’s impregnate griffons? I mean, you’re willing to try. For science.) You have a few catchy lines to get her into bed. Your dick is as prepared as a Soviet sniper at Stalingrad.
“So, is it much farther?” you ask, trying to keep your voice sexy despite your awkward gait. Hey, it’s hard to walk while keeping a boner covert.
She giggles a little.
“Don’t worry, It’s just around the corner, I’m super excited to show you my place!” she says with a wink. “It’s not the kind of nest I’d live in if I was back with the griffons, but Ponyville still offers really nice cottages that are just big enough to stretch my wings. Are you super excited? Because I know you’ll love it.”
“Hey, as long as you’re there, I’m sure I’ll be thrilled,” you say smoothly.
Her blush deepens and she looks away with another soft laugh.
Oh yeah, you’re definitely sticking it in tonight.
Sure enough, a small cottage stands just around a building to the left. You hear a little squee of delight from the griffon at your side, and she rushes ahead to gesture broadly at the building. She looks at you, beaming, as if she’s showing off a deformed baby she feels relieved is finally out of her womb.
“What did I tell ya?” She says, then rushes to the door to hold it open for you.
“Why thank you, my lady,” you tell her, giving her a bow as you enter. If only you’d worn a fedora to tip at her. You’ll have to give her a tip of something else tonight instead, to make up for it.
Damn you feel witty tonight. Must be all the gin you had before dinner. It always gives you the best sense of false confidence, and makes you not care that you have no taste in alcohol and you’re a romance-autist.
Gabby holds a talon over her mouth to cover a laugh, then steps into the room behind you. Ah well, at least she seems to enjoy your over the top attempts at getting into her nonexistent pants. In fact, she takes this opportunity to practically pounce on you, knocking you backwards onto the couch. You let out a short sound of surprise, but it quickly fades into one of pleasure as you feel her warm, soft body weight against you.
You always thought it would be weird to kiss a griffon, because they have the whole beak thing going on. And it’s true, when you first started making out with Gabby, you had to crush down the mental image that you were kissing a kraken or something. Nowadays you’re kind of over it, and that tongue is certainly talented. Not that you’re itching to put your dick in a potentially deadly beak or anything, but at least the experience has become enjoyable.
You pull away from the kiss slightly to arch your eyebrows suggestively at your date. She tilts her head at you, confused, looking hilariously like a parrot who just discovered its reflection in a mirror and is debating whether or not to hump it. Then, light dawns in her eyes, and you see a wash of reactions ripple through her expression. Recognition, surprise, desire, embarrassment, and hopefulness all take their turn until at last she glances away, smiling broadly. Still, to drive home the point, you lean towards her until your lips are brushing against the feathers to either side of her head that represent where ears should be. It feels weird to be whispering into literal holes in the side of her head, but you suppose that it’s no worse than yodeling into a vagina. Your last girlfriend didn’t like that much, but then again she never did appreciate good music.
“Do you want to?” you whisper seductively.
You can feel a shiver of excitement run through Gabby’s body, and she makes a little whimper noise of wanting in the back of her throat. Then, as you pull back again, you see her nodding vigorously at you. Score, you’ve got her eating out of the palm of your hand.
…okay, never say that again and stop thinking about pigeons. Sex time now.
She aggressively grabs your hand and practically drags you towards the bedroom. You stumble over a small end table and a chair as you try to keep up, all the while undoing your belt with your one free hand. She yanks you through the door to her room, slams it shut behind you, then again leaps at you like a weird, feathery tigress. This time, you just barely manage to take a few steps back before falling heavily onto her bed. It feels a little scratchy you notice, but then again she did mention she sleeps in a nest. Probably made of straw and twigs and stuff like that, so you’ll have to be careful not to catch your scrote on anything while you’re fucking her.
Speaking of fucking Gabby, she seems very eager for that to happen. From on top of you, she’s pawing at your pants with her back feet, as if aching to get them off of you and onto the floor. Her kisses barely give you enough time to breathe, and you’re careful to keep your tongue back aways, for fear of her biting it off. It’s pretty hot that she’s so into you, but you’re no bitch boi. You’re gonna be on top, like a real man, forget relaxing on the bottom while she does all the work and you enjoy yourself. It’s grunt sweaty lower back pain time!
You forcefully grab Gabby by the shoulders, and flip her sideways past you onto her back against the bed. It rustles more than squeaks, and she lets out a little cry of surprise and delight as you roll over to pin her down.
“Oh, Anon!” she whimpers. “Please, I want you so so so much. I’ve just never…”
Wait. So she’s a virgin?
Your dick is diamonds and ready to bust down her innocence wall like the Kool-aid man into Jonestown.
“Don’t worry,” you tell her, trying to sound sexy and tender, but actually sounding like a sexual predator. “I’ll be gentle with you.”
She whimpers once more, and slowly begins to spread her legs for you. You watch her body begin to relax, watch her thighs begin to gradually part. The low light of the bedroom shines across her furry belly, down and down, until it last rests upon…
…what the fuck is that.
You stare in quiet bafflement at the area between Gabby’s legs. There, you expected to see two holes, maybe technically three. There was supposed to be a vaginal opening as well as an anus. Maybe, depending on what’s going on with lion, you might even see a urethra. Instead you see… a hole.
One hole.
Only one.
There is a mess of fur and feathers together all around her lower bits, but in the middle, it falls away slightly. There, there’s bare skin around a reddish puckered looking hole. It looks sort of like an anus, just redder and more… angry somehow. It looks like a frustrated little old man, glaring at you, telling you to get off his lawn. Does… does Gabby have a lawn? Do feathers count as pubic hair? Matters for another time, for now, you still have to figure out what’s going on down here in genital town.
“Uhhhh…” you find yourself stammering, unsure of what to say. You’re not sure how long you’ve been making that noise.
“Is… something wrong, Anon?” Gabby says, and you can hear genuine concern in her voice.
You should be tactful here. You should comfort her, tell her it’s all okay, and be a gentleman. These are all things you should do, but you’re so thrown for a loop that you forget all of it. Instead, you point emphatically down at her nethers.
“You have one hole,” you say flatly.
Gabby looks up at you, looking a little insulted and a little confused.
“Well, yeah, all griffons do."
“What.”
“Have you… you didn’t tell me this was your first time too, Anon?”
Your wizard status has been called out, but you’re still too transfixed by the single wrinkled opening to care.
“Humans have… multiple holes,” you say slowly. “For different things. Like… pooping.”
“We poop too, you know.”
“From where.”
Gabby rolls her eyes and points with a single claw to the hole. You cringe backwards in horror, as if you're ready for poop to spray out of there at any minute.
“From there. It all happens there,” she says, obviously annoyed. “My cloaca is the same as any other griffon’s, so could ya quit staring at it like it’s weird?”
…cloaca?
You know that word, and it all comes flooding back to you at once. Her lower half may look like that of a lion, but she is half bird too. Cloacas are what birds have, a single hole from which they pee, poop, mate, and even lay eggs. Apparently, griffons have one of those.
But, this isn’t a dealbreaker, right? You can overcome this. It’s just like having anal sex and vaginal sex at the same time, nothing wrong with that, right? Actually, it's kind of a cool thing, something that no other humans except redneck chickenfuckers can brag about. Just killing two birds with one…
No, stop. Don’t go there.
Anyway, you shake your head hard and try to settle yourself. Your boner has deflated like a lazy party clown’s balloon animal, but you can breathe life back into it just by focusing on the fact that you’re going to have sex. You’re going to finally fuck something in this world, and then you can forget about that time with your cousin back in fifth grade that totally doesn’t count.
“Sorry,” you mumble, trying to put on a smile. “It was just different, you know? Different isn’t bad or anything, just surprising.”
“Do you… like surprises?” Gabby says, still looking uneasy but beginning to blush again.
“Oh yes,” you murmur, and lower your head to her beak for another kiss.
It only takes a second, but your little soldier is again at the ready for a blitzkrieg. You center yourself between her legs, ignoring the condom because… I mean, you don’t use condoms for anal, right? She moans softly as you press your dick against the surprisingly tight opening. It’s wet, probably because she’s so excited for her first time, and you're quickly beginning to feel yourself slipping past the resistance. Gabby groans and you bite your lip to keep from moaning like a whore as your cock penetrates her snug little hole, going deeper and deeper and…
…WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT.
You jerk back sharply out of her as your dick hits up against something solid and smooth. What the fuck was that shit? Were you poking her poop? They do pee and poop from there, sometimes at the same time. Gross as that is, you don’t think it’s the answer. No, it was way way too solid, way too smooth. What the fuck could it possibly even…
You slowly look up at Gabby, your face going pale. You again point down at her cloaca, and her face breaks into a very sheepish smile.
“Gabby,” you say, your voice cracking. “Is… is that an egg?”
“…it’s not fertile or anything.”
“IS THAT AN EGG?”
“You said you liked surprises!”
“A MOTHERFUCKING EGG??”
“…surprise?”
You slowly stand up and zip your pants. Nope, it’s too weird, you can’t do it. It’s one thing to fuck a bird cloaca, it’s another to rub your cock against a raw egg stuffed up inside her like that. Ovipositing is so not your fetish, even that alien impregnation anime you saw that one time. It only got you to, like, half mast at best. You turn back towards the bed where Gabby is lying looking obviously disappointed.
“S-so…” she says hesitantly. “You’re not going to… you know… ruffle my feathers?”
You open your mouth, close it again, and then cover your face in shame and self-hatred as you say the only thing you can possibly think of.
“I don’t think I can pigeonhole myself like that.”
-END-
Author's Note
Flam, you glorious bastard, thank you for this commission. I am not even a little tiny bit sorry. I missed writing this kind of horrible stuff. 
To the rest of you? I hope you enjoyed/hated this, because I had so much fun. Well... more fun than Gabby, that's for sure.
This story was written as a commission for Flammenwerfer. If you want to commission me too, check out my user page and blog posts, because there are only a few days left to get your request in!
-pencil
