Mojowuq9, The Bearer of Bullshit, Conquerer of Equestrian Enemies

by mojowuq9

Rating: teen
Tags: Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Self Insert, Sex, Profanity, Adventure, Violence, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 2038

I die from some dude named 'John', I never got a last name, and wake up in Equestria....as Anon. I be myself, only being arrested 87 times.

I die from some dude named 'John', I never got a last name, and wake up in Equestria....as Anon. I be myself, only being arrested 87 times. For what? Well....find out.

Published 2018-11-22 04:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-12-07 03:08:02 UTC

Meeting Celestia, and #NoHomo.

"You are under arrest!" I raised an eyebrow, and turned around.

"Exfuckingscuse me?" She cringed at the language, then repeated it. "Why?" She listed off at least 40 things, one of which was abusing the Elements. I interrupted her when she said that. Oh yeah, this mare was Celestia. "Abusing the Elements? HA! I saved your brother's sorry ass." I looked at Artemis with a sorry look. "No offense." He replied with 'None taken, creature.'. "So, these are mine unless they aren't. Also, I'll put you into a horrible heat, one that only incest will cool." Celestia blushed, thinking about how...fun it would be. "Oh, you want that?" I said with a massive, shit eating grin. She nodded dumbly, too lost in her fantasy. I looked at Artemis again. "So....do you mind? You'll have to dick your sister." He blushed hard, but told me I could, if that's what Celestia wants. I kept the grin, and pointed my sword at her, thinking of the incest-only coolable heat. "Pew." The same beams from earlier hit her, and she began to shake. Thinking of teleporting them to Celestia's quarter's, I said "Pew." Again and they were gone. A bunch of royal guards teleported us into a cell. And by us, I mean me and Darkhorse. "Well, shit." I heard the clopping of ~~me to mlp porn~~ hooves. I quickly turned to Darkhorse, an expression of alarm on my face. "Quick, sit in the corner! There's a guard coming! I have a plan!" He nodded, and did so. I stood up, and stood at the door. the guard came into view, and I smiled widely. "Hello! Would you like to hear a happy song!?" The guard paused, waited a few seconds, then sat down.

"Okay, sure. Go ahead." I smiled, and a tune began to play.... (Only pay attention to the audio, the video doesn't matter.)

The guard was horrified, and completely stunned by the end of the song. I simply punched him in the face, and took his keys, opening the cell. I stepped out, and placed the guard in a more comfortable position. Darkhorse walked out, confused.

"Thou could've knocked him out from the start." I turned around and smiled at him. "Or, thou could've just broketh out of thy cell." I smiled at him.

"That would've been 2nd degree assholery, breaking shit when there's not only a quieter, but technically better option. Now, we leaveth thy palace!" He huffed at the end of the sentence. I began to walk, sauntering right out of the dungeons. The halls were quite nice, but I'm not swayed by aesthetics. (I'm actually not.) I used my cool harmony powers to create a Punisher shirt, which I wore. I modified my hair to be even more unkempt. I summoned an AR-15, a pair of sunglasses, which I put on. I began to walk dangerously down the hall, my head angled downward and my stance shaggy. Walking up to a door, I kicked it open, revealing a ton of young servants, students, if you will. Another song began playing from an unknown source:

I cocked the weapon. "Run." I began firing into the crown, purposely missing everybody. Jesus, I'm not a fucking murderer, and I'm not ending lives for some shitty meme! I can still suffer from PTSD and depression from guilt. What am I, a Displaced?! Anyways, they scattered, and I walked through the room, the ponies cowering in fear. I turned to them when I was at the door. All of them were whimpering, some covering their eyes, a few hugging. "I was missing on purpose. I'm not even in Florida. I wasn't going to kill you, and I won't. Have a nice day, and I think you'll be getting a few days off." They all sighed, and began to go back to their spots. I kicked open the door in front of me. "Sorry about the property damage." I de-summoned the stuff, also turning my swords into the True Harmony Armor (Yes, I fucking named it.). I walked straight out of the castle doors, using my OP Displaced powers to teleport us to...."Ponyville? Fuck it, this has to happen in a fic sometime." Oh yeah, I can now break the forth wall. I led him to an abandoned house, and I summoned on blankets, enough for both of us to lay on, that floor is fucking steel, I swear. Also, apparently I have a limit 'cause bullshit, and it's a limit so vague it's literally for plot convenience. I lied down, patting the space beside me. "Hashtag No Homo." He looked confused, but lied down, and I wrapped my arms around his barrel, snuggling into him.

"This is degrading...." I flicked his horn, and he...moaned....shit. He quickly fell asleep, and so did I....

Author's Note

SCHOOL SHOOTINGS ARE VERY SERIOUS, BUT HUMANS MAKE JOKES AND MEMES OUT OF THEM ANYWAYS! I DO NOT ENCOURAGE MASS SHOOTINGS!

Play Dwarf Fortress.

I'm sorry, I guess.

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Ooooh..this might be useful....

"See? He exists." Seth, one of my not-friends said smugly, gesturing to a 'greaser' holding a 10-inch knife. This greaser, 'John', was definitely going to stab me. I'd go out like an asshole. He lifted the knife, preparing to charge.

"Ahh, long knife I see....compensation, right?" He growled before charging, driving the knife into m'skull, ending my ass. It was white. "Ah, shit! I knew the afterlife was 1800's leadership!" Suddenly, a....a....a....PONY appeared before me. It was a brilliant flash of white, which I couldn't see. She looked so regal and powerful....I bowed. She lifted her muzzle, basking in my worship, before I rose, having finished tying my shoes. "There we go. Can't be talking to whomever the fuck you are with untied shoes. That's just bad manners. Now....who are you?" She was speechless, her mouth opening and closing multiple times before she finally said something.

"Uhhh, I'm Creator Faust." Naturally. Oh, she said that with a nervous tone, rubbing her forelegs together. "You have passed."

"No shit." I said with no bullshit at all. "Keep going." She cringed at my words, but continued anyways.

"I have an offer.....I will send you to Equestria, a-" I cut her off, waving a single finger at her.

"No. Nononono, I'm not becoming a Knight of Equestria. There's enough of those already. Also, no 7th element shit. I'd rather have a big fucking sword made of the Elements then do that shit." A massive grin swept across her face.

"Okay." I appeared. On the ground. I wasn't in pain, but I was face-first in the dirt. Groaning, I looked up, to see this sword an inch from my face:

"Son of a bitch.....eh, fuck it, this is my fault." I sat up, and stretched a bit, hearing nary a crack in my knees when I stood, which apparently means I could get arthritis early. Bad shit. I poked the sword, and instantly a chain shot out of the pommel, wrapping around my arm many times. The chain tightened, and I stood there, that arm stretched out, confused. "A God of War quote would be good here." I pulled the sword out, and found it to weigh almost nothing. Suddenly, a scroll appeared in a flash of white light, and he caught it. Letting go of the sword, it split into 6 pieces, the individual Elements. Honesty & Kindness wrapped around my wrists, left and right respectively. Generosity & Laughter wrapped around my ankles, left and right respectively. Loyalty locked around my neck. Somehow, the armor seemed incomplete...."Holy shit. That is fucking cool." There was another sword:

I touched the pommel, and a chain wrapped around my arm many times. I lifted the blade, and it was almost weightless. I let go of it, and it split into seven parts, the Elements of Disharmony plus the Alicorn Amulet:

(Plus the amulet) Dishonestly and Cruelty became shoulderpads. Greed and Betrayal became greaves. Despair became a breastplate, and Science combined with Magic to create a more...masculine crown. "Wait one fucking minute....shouldn't this armor be made for a female? I mean, this armor could easily be made to fit a pony. The only was it would be male is......AW HELL NAH!!!" My face turned into one of horror as I screamed that last part. I thought about how gay it would be to clop to the characters now. I sighed. "Fuck it, I'm now Bisexual. Welp, let's get going." I began to walk, and after about 40 meters, I walked through the last of the really dense trees, coming to a clearing. The grass was green, and the Castle of the Two Sisters....Brothers now, I suppose. Shrugging, I walked across the bridge, knowing I'd be completely fine. I made it to the other side, and walked right in. A long AF, dark hallway greeted me. "I need to summon all my strength....." I breathed deeply, growling darkly. I charged forward, screeching. "LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYY JENKINNNNSSSSSSS!!!!" I tripped, going 10 meters, hitting and rolling across the ground. "Ow, fuck..."

"Who art thou, creature? What art thou?" A male voice said deeply. I looked up to see this guy staring down at me, his wings spread.

I decided to answer.

"I am Mojowuq9, apparent wielder of True Harmony. Can I just say that you look fucking awesome? Also, you're Darkhorse Knight, correct?" He groaned, which turned into a chuckle, then a laugh. After a few minutes, he finally stopped. By this time, I was standing up.

"Yes! Thou, Mojowuq9, art the first pony to guess Our name! Everypony calls Our royal person 'Nightmare Moon'! Bah, We are no mare!" He complained, flicking his head sideways at the last word. "For this, thou wilt be Our royal adviser!"

"I can't be. I'll probably destroy Equestria within 6 hours if I do that. Also, I have a counter offer. How about I split you and Artemis, and you join me on adventures. You, could take revenge on Eris....." He seemed to want to reject my offer, his face, the part I could see, looking furious. He seemed to become curious at the last few words, if his posture relaxing was anything to go by.

"Revenge on Eris, you say? hmph! If you really can, then do split me in half, Mojowuq9, and I will join you, I suppose." He said, his voice wandering off uninterested. I smirked, and pretended to grab my swords, which caused the armor to split apart and form into the two weapons. I pointed them at his, who looked alarmed.

"Pew." I jokingly said, thinking about dual beams, one of rainbow, the other of darkness hitting him, splitting his into two bodies. Those beams shot out and did what I thought, leaving Artemis, who looked like this:
and Darkhorse Knight 5 meters apart. I quickly made my way over to Artemis, reassuring him when he opened his eyes the Darkhorse was not going to hurt him. After he calmed down, i walked to Darkhorse, who was groaning while laying on his back, and began to rub a hand through his chest, which caused him to emit a low rumble.....wait, he was purring. When he opened his eyes, I retracted my hand.

"No," He said, looking at me. "Please keep doing that." I began to rug my hand through his fluffy chest, and he lied his head down, groaning in satisfaction. He spoke up. "And about joining you? We will, Mojowuq9." Artemis had somehow managed to crawl over, and began to nudge my hand with his head, much like how a cat does it. I began to tease his chest to, and he relaxed, smiling lightly under my touch. I sighed happily. This had gone quite well.....now, the only thing to do was simple.

Sleep with Darkhorse. No sex though. I'd like to be able to walk around without needing to tape my asshole shut.

Author's Note

Yes, another fic. this will be rather short, and therefore fast paced, but I think I'm getting better at pacing! If you spot any mistakes, or feel you could help this story in any way, please tell me via comments or PMs. Whichever works.