Death Can Do Stuff

Chapters

Can Death Feel Stuff?
Can Death Dream Stuff?
Can Death Anger Stuff?
Can Death Smell Stuff?
Can Death Help Stuff?
Death Absolutely Does Weed!
Death Absolutely Does Cocaine!
Death Accidentally Snorts Acid
Death Utilizes WMD's
Death Gets Real (Pt.1)
Death Gets a Call and Discord is a Dick
Death is Stuck

Can Death Feel Stuff?

"You're an idiot."

Death, or everybody else knows as Delmar, plainly said to one of his advisors. The advisors were smaller than Delmar, by a few feet. Their skeletons much like a human, but with noticeable differences that keep them distinguishable from the rest.

Currently he was just informed of a failed virus that was supposed to start in New York City and kill approximately four-hundred people. But, of course, the virus was not ready to be deployed in the sewer system because it wasn't water resistant. So as soon as it came into contact with water, it dissolved into nothing.

Delmar was less than pleased, and he didn't hide it from his council of advisors. All they simply have to do is kill the person or people that need to die. Delmar decided how, and so it is put into action. Of course, nothing ever goes as planned now does it?

"W-well sir, we tried re-deploying the virus in Albuquerque... but-" The poor advisor was interrupted by Delmar.

"The virus was made for New York City in January... Not Albuquerque in January..." Delmar pinched the bridge of his bony nose, or whats left of it.

"You do realize this is the fifth cock-up you fools managed to do in the last month? We are behind schedule now by five-thousand deaths plus change! And not all of them are in North America! We are supposed to kill two-thousand seven hundred and thirty nine in Asia alone, seven hundred and thirty in Paris, eight hundred and fifty six in London, two hundred and sixty in Montreal, and now we add the four hundred and fifteen in New York City! These people are supposed to die from illnesses or accidents or murders or however you have to do it! But that's what the damn schedule says and I will not be behind again!" Delmar looked on to his advisors with rising anger. Delmar only wished that HE would keep the soul debt under control.

"Sir not to be rude... but isn't it your job to decide how they d-" The advisor was interrupted by a slap to the head, which spun his skull until the advisor fell onto the ground with an audible oof.

"I HAVE decided how they all died before I gave the order! All you idiots had to do was DO it! Yet here we are, far behind than we were a month ago!" Delmar said with venom that even a snake would shun away from.

All the advisors sunk in their seats in fear, as they never seen him this angry in over a million years. One advisor was visibly shaking while another was hiding behined a bookcase.

Delmar sighed, and sat back down in his own seat. He looked at all the charts again, and still the number five-thousand popped up occasionally.

He sat back and looked toward the ceiling for a brief moment, wondering how Humans can breed so fucking much. It was all to much for the moment, then as if on cue, and idea popped into his head.

"What if..." Delmar said slowly, which got the attention of all the advisors, waiting for their rulers response.

"What if we set a food-borne virus that can easily be transferred to other foods within the vicinity of it? Like salmonella or..." The advisors caught on, and started throwing ideas out at Delmar, and at each other.

"...It will need to be undetectable from the Humans..."

"...odorless, tasteless..."

"...can't kill no more than five-thousand..."

"...are you dumb? Wheat borne illness..."

That was it, the light bulb came on in Delmar's head.

"That's it! The first wheat born illness! We can start it in the Plains of North America, and have it distributed around the globe! It will be undetectable and natural caused! What do you all think?" Delmar was ecstatic. Although ridiculous, it could work with proper structure and proper timing.

The advisors looked at one another, then came back with counter-points.

"...Will it be heat resistant? It can't break the heat threshold..."

"...Only certain parts of the world accept North American wheat..."

"...We can't force Humans to sell either..."

"...Wheat borne illness, sounds ridiculous..."

Delmar pinched his nose again, and simply sighed.

It was ridiculous, plus it would need to adapt to other environments. It would need to factor in sea travel and the possibility of bugs eating the virus. So many factors, so little time. If these five-thousand do not die within the next three months or earlier, they could cause catastrophic imbalance between Life and Death. Already there are more humans being born than dying.

As the advisors argued among themselves, Delmar took time and took stock of the current situation.

He was behined in deaths: check.

He had several imbalances in the world that need to be corrected: check.

Humanity is getting smarter, not dying, in fact, flourishing: check.

Hell and Paradise are getting on his nerves: check.

He has a headache: check.

Why do I feel like this isn't the first time this has happened? Oh right, it isn't the first time. In fact, this is the twenty-millionth time. Great, just great. Delmar thought to himself.

Just then, a knock on the Council door broke the arguing and musing. As a death guard opened it, and angel came through.

It was a Heavenly advisor, they are about the same size as the death advisors but are not skeletons. Instead look almost identical to humans in every way except smarter, kinder, and more annoying because they keep track of everything.

Think of it as a really annoying co-worker that knows everything, and bothers you about it.

This ones name is Silica, of the Souls Department of Heaven. Delmar knows because he knows. He doesn't know how he knows but knows because he's death. It makes sense on paper.

Delmar sighed "Hello Silica... back so soon?"

Silica simply sighed and tossed a folder on the table, then she pinched her own nose as she looked at Delmar.

"Three months in a row you have failed to deliver souls in time, three months and five-thousand souls are not in their proper place in time. Delmar, Paradise and Hell have had a long standing agreement to disperse souls evenly throughout all three Kingdoms. But, if you are withholding souls within Limbo we will have to dismantle your kingdom until such a ti-"

She was interrupted by a groan from Delmar.

"Look, I'm trying my damn best to get the souls wherever the hell they need to go. But I can't keep up with the amount of souls Hell and Paradise need. Do you realize how hard it is to kill so many people in such a time crunch? I can't kill humans extravagantly anymore, I've had to start killing them in groups. I had to start implementing terrorist attacks just so I can keep up! Even diseases aren't coming up with any results."

Delmar sighed and sat back in his chair, reminiscing about the Old Times.

"I remember when it was so much easier gathering souls. Hell...humans even thought of it as a religious practice of sacrificing humans. But ever since Paradise gave them intelligence, it has become harder to kill them quick enough. Religion is no longer a big factor anymore, now humans are focusing on science and manipulating a bacteria that can kill anything other than themselves. Do you realize that Silica?"

Silica sighed "I'm sorry Delmar, but it isn't Hell's or Paradise's decision to kill, just how much. It's your kingdom of Limbo that decides when they die."

"I understand that you are frustrated, and I don't like having to come here and tell you the news. But, you don't really have a choice. Last month you were behined three-thousand souls, now its five-thousand. I'm sorry, but you need to-"

"No." Silica abruptly stopped and looked at Delmar surprisingly. Even Delmar's advisors looked surprised.

"I'm sorry?" Silica said aghast.

"No, I'm not doing it. In fact, I'm taking a vacation." Delmar looked at Silica plainly, but to also get his point across.

"B-b-but...your DEATH! You don't take vacat-"

"Do now." Delmar interrupted again.

"Look Silica, I've been in this gig since the Lord himself appointed me over forever ago. You wouldn't think that I would have a backup would you?"

"You have a backup?" Silica looked quizzically at Delmar, slowly getting more perplexed as she thought about Death having a backup.

"Yes, his name is Grim. Kinda looks like me but wears a cloak. Talks real slow and menacing like, kinda edgy with the whole afterlife deal. Has a pet dog with three heads, named it Cerberus. You know him?" Delmar stated flatly.

"No...Of all the entity's I know I never knew him..." She tried to wrack her brain, but nothing came up.

"Makes sense, because I used Paradise's life-maker-thingy to make a...what is it...heir? Yeah."

"You used the REBIRTH MACHINE!? Are you mad!? Only the High Council members can...use..." Silica stopped talking as it finally hit her.

"You're part of the High Council? Since when?" She asked not-so-very politely.

"Since I was appointed as Death. I have a right to that machine, and it was the first time I used it, so I'm not in trouble or anything. Besides, I haven't told Grim anything sugar-coated. I gave him the full training course as Death for this occasion." Delmar smiled, how it was possible Silica didn't know.

"Well...where is Grim now?" Silica asked with slight worry.

"Three...two...one..."

As soon as Delmar said one, the entire room filled with a haze, and a cloaked figure appeared behined Delmar with glowing white orbs as eyes. Delmar turned around and snapped his fingers nonchalantly. The haze cleared as Grim appeared annoyed.

"You never let me have my fucking moment do you..." Grim's voice was a mixture of pain and regret. Deep like the Challenger Deep, and booming like a loudspeaker, it sent chills down Silica's spine. But she had to admit...

Delmar did a nice job, for his first time.

"Who's soul did you exactly recycle....?" Silica whispered in Delmar's ear hole.

"Remember that guy from London? I think his name was Jack the Ri-"

"Are you fucking insane!? Are you absolutely retarded that you would recycle HIS soul!?" Silica hissed in his ear, remembering the murders he committed during his time as a human. In all his years, he has never heard Silica swear, and it was fucking funny.

"Excuse me, I had him on a leash for over thirty odd years and then some, and I made triple sure he wouldn't kill any random people. Besides, who do you think has been collecting souls as we were talking?" Delmar looked at Silica with a shit-eating grin that she still thought was spiritually and physically impossible.

Silica sighed and breathed in and out slowly "Are you sure he can handle it?"

"Oh yes absolutely. The training went smoothly and easier than I expected. He seemed to understand the importance of killing certain people at the right time instead of just randomly. He even took the liberty of starting on that five-thousand soul debt that we need." Delmar was proud of what he managed to achieve.

"Wait, he will be taking over your position for the time being... that means he will be coming to Council meetings and he will be interacting with the Lords of Hell and Paradise. Does he know how to handle himself?" Silica looked at Delmar, and he looked back with another smile.

Silica felt her stomach twist slightly "You didn't..."

"Of course I trained him how to talk to people, I even had him pay a visit to Hell itself and talk with the Lords there."

Silica wanted to pull her hair out, all the while Delmar was laughing.

As all of this was going on, Grim simply watched with slight confusion.

Delmar and Silica seemed to notice this, and started to wrap their conversation up.

"So do you understand Silica? You will tell the Council that I will be taking leave and Grim here will be in charge as of now." Delmar gestured a hand over to the cloaked figure.

Silica nodded apprehensively "Yeah, I'll tell them alright..."

"Good. Now Grim, remember what I trained you for. Don't kill people randomly, keep the place clean, and stay on top of that soul debt."

"Yeah...sure..." Grim said in his usual melancholic tone.

"Alright, looks like I'm all set! See you bi-"

"Hold it there buster." Silica grabbed Delmar's arm and burned his hand, leaving a rune of some sort.

"What is this? Some type of tracker spell? I'm not a dog you know." Delmar mused.

"No you fool. It's a communication rune, so I can contact you in case shit goes sideways. You will receive weekly reports from me about Grim, Paradise, Hell, Limbo you know the usual." Silica plainly stared at Delmar.

"Aw, you'll miss me, how sweet. What no peck on the cheek?" Delmar teased.

Silica blushed and slapped Delmar "Not in a million fucking years, I have a spouse already you dolt! If you don't remember it was Archangel Micheal. Y'know the Angel of Annihilation?" Silica glared at Delmar.

"Jeeze what crawled up your ass? I didn't know female entity's could get periods to."

Delmar's comment got him another slap that spun his head around. Delmar reached up and slapped both sides of his skull in place. Silica stormed out, who was followed by the advisors. Must be time to work again.

Delmar looked at Grim, who looked back. Both stared blankly at one another for a few awkward moments.

"...So is Silica married to Micheal or naw?" Grim asked in a weird accent.

Delmar punched Grim in the face and walked out, leaving Grim on the floor with a scroll of instructions on How to Run Limbo for Dummies.

Grim sighed "I should've been a baker..."

Delmar gathered his things from within his chambers, and stared outside in the vastness of Limbo. He had rare moments like this, no teasing or yelling, no ordering anybody, it was a good calm. One he was glad to be rid of once he left Limbo.

He decided his destination should be the place with the most harmonic tone he could find. Of course he would need to use magic to get there. It was in another dimension after all. However, he couldn't exactly see what his destination was, as his magic only influenced this dimension. It's easier to explain on paper.

Triple checking his magic, and his blood magic reserves, he seemed ready to go. Beaming magic was a common practice among the dead, as souls would like to tease the living with pranks or scare them. It was entertaining to listen to some of the stories, that is something Delmar would miss after he left.

After focusing magic on one point about the size of a hydrogen atom, he opened a portal to the place he wished to go. What was weird is that the portal showed a black wall. Delmar curiously put a bony hand through it and felt air, and sensed magic that wasn't familiar to him. Guessing it was safe, Delmar hopped through and landed flat on his face on solid ground.

Well that hurt...

After rolling on his back, he soon realized the quietness his surroundings were. Peace was everywhere he listened, as he scanned the sky, he could see birds singing and bugs buzzing. He smelled the soothing scent of trees and flowers, fresh in bloom. It would seem his magic was right, this place is peaceful.

Delmar got up and scanned the landscape, feeling the breeze as he did so. He seemed to be in a forest of some sort, as the trees were in plenty and blocked out the sky, which only let in some of the suns rays. Somehow, that made the peace all the better.

Delmar noticed the sun moving oddly, he was used to Humanity confirming the sun moved on it's own axis and not across the sky. But as Delmar stared, he could sense the faint magic on the sun, as if it was moving by force and not by nature. It was weird, but he paid no mind, he wouldn't judge another dimensions physics. You do you.

Delmar heard splashing, a river maybe? Either way the stench of radiation lingered on Delmar, traveling along the currents of time and space does that to a person. Might as well wash up.

As he walked he took time to study the flora around him, as he always loved to do on other planets he visited in his own dimension. What was odd however, wasn't that they were different, but similar, almost exact to the ones on Earth. The leaves, trees, even the scent of flowers seemed all to familiar.

This concerned him, so Delmar stopped his walking and sent a magic ping into the atmosphere. Once it returned he was relieved to learn it wasn't Earth, but was Earth like. It was rare to be on a planet like this, as Delmar has visited many during his time. The magical ping also picked up several magic hot spots around the planet. It was even rarer to find a magical planet that carried over to another dimension, but it still didn't surprise Delmar. As everything that could be thought of in life, exist somewhere.

Delmar continued on his walk, coming along a river bank. He looked into the water and stared at the river bed. Never has he seen something so clear in his life. It was truly beautiful.

Curiously, a fish seemed to notice his presence and it stared at him. Delmar stared back. The fish responded by blinking. Delmar also blinked. Soon, Delmar was having a conversation with a fish through... fish talk.

What are you? I have never seen anything like you before!

I am a God, or something like one. But how curious, I never thought I would be talking to a fish.

I never thought I would be talking to something so scary! But you seem nice enough, though your eyes seem very terrifying, so deep and black like a void!

How rude! I never thought that a fish would be so blatantly mean to my appearance! I dare say sir, where are your manners?

Now look who is being mean! I happen to be a female river-bed fish sir! And I have you know that I happen to be one of the kinder things in this forest!

There are other animals that talk? Or have intelligence?

Of course! You should know that, you are talking to me after all! What, you think that fish are just mindless creatures like the Timberwolves?

Timberwolves?

Oh yes, very mean things! They kill whatever they please and leave nothing! Though the Manticores are just as bad! Oh and don't get me started on the Evil Chickens!

I say, I think they are more rude than you or I could manage! I apologize for assuming your gender miss...?

Oh my friends call me Delphine, charmed. I would also like to apologize for calling you scary and your eyes black like a void.

No worries, they are voids!

Both Delmar and the fish shared a laugh, however the fishes laugh was just bubbles rising from the river.

It was nice meeting you mister! But I have to return to my children, it is feeding time!

Alright, it was very nice to meet you miss Delphine, I will see you around!

Both Delmar and the fish parted ways. Delmar had to admit, this planet is full of surprises. And that fish, Delphine, was a very polite fish. Telepathic communication works wonders.

However, he couldn't understand why she had a British accent.

Author's Note

I got bored.

Can Death Dream Stuff?

After finding a quiet area with nobody else around, or animal around, Delmar decided it would be best to get the stink of radiation off his person. He could use magic, but it wasn't as satisfying as the feeling of water cleansing the skin. Or in Delmar's case, bones.

Taking some time to sit in the surprisingly shallow river, Delmar took more time studying the area. Making out little details that weren't apparent when he came to this place. Noting subtle differences from Earth to this planet.

Colors are more vibrant, maybe due to the cleaner atmosphere? I don't sense any pollution, at least in the area I'm in. The water feels clean and pure, and tastes so natural. The amount of magic is a weird touch, and the intelligence level of the wildlife on this planet is surprising. Could it be without any outside intervention the wildlife simply started learning communication? Could that even be possible with the amount of species here? Certainly, this would be a good thing to observe as I make my travels, and questions to ponder on later. Delmar was interrupted by another visitor, this time a small, orange butterfly.

Well hello! You certainly are a strange sight to behold.

Yes, I do get that a lot, must be my face. Do I have anything on it by chance? Any food?

No I don't see anything out of the ordinary. Is your face supposed to be all bone?

Yes, is your wings supposed to be so brightly colored?

Yes, I would like to find a mate.

How is that going if I may be so forward?

Not well, I had some luck with a beautiful blue monarch! Rare to find one here in Whitetail Woods, but she was to pretty for me.

Aw cheer up buddy! Hey, you had luck with her, maybe your chances of finding another butterfly even prettier than her could increase!

Hey maybe your right! Y'know your not so scary, I was a little nervous because of your appearance, but now you are actually pretty nice.

I appreciate the compliment! Hey you called this place Whitetail Woods, is that the name of the forest I'm currently in?

Indeed, to the east and south are places inhabited by ponies. They named it such because a pony wanted to, so it stuck.

Ponies?

Yes, very nice some of them, but some are snobby, rude, or greedy. Although I guess that's everything that lives and breathes. You get a few bad larva here and there. Like this one time I met a black spider, I think a recluse, oh she was so mean! Almost got tangled in her silky web the dam thing! She called me 'tasty orange'! I was so frightened but managed to get away obviously. Another time-

This was a very talkative butterfly.

Not to be rude mister butterfly, but I would like to learn more about these ponies.

Oh, I was rambling again? Jeeze I need to work on that... I apologize. Well anyway these ponies live to the east and south from what I gathered. Although the ones in the east are far nicer than the south, plus much quieter than the south. I would prefer the east than the south.

I see, I will head east then. Thank you, now I must bid you farewell, as I would like to see these ponies for myself.

Oh, well very well! I wish you luck on your travels, however I would avoid any confrontations. There is a pink pony that seems very ecstatic to newcomers.

Thank you for the warning, see you around mister butterfly!

You too mister!

After letting the butterfly fly away until it could not be seen anymore, Delmar got out of the river and put his outfit back on. Making sure that everything was all clear, Delmar sprinted east.

Using a little magic, he was nothing but a blur to anything that managed to see him, but so silent he was like a breeze. Making minor adjustments to his magic, he stopped suddenly but remained hidden within the edge of the forest. Delmar peeked from the brush he was hiding in and saw mountains. No village the butterfly was talking about.

Did I take a wrong turn? Or maybe it's further on...

Taking a chance, he decided to press on in the same direction, hoping over mountains like they were nothing but minor obstacles.

Surprisingly, the mountains lasted a very long time, a total of twenty minutes. If Delmar was walking, it would have taken him a full day just to reach the little village.

Delmar stayed hidden using an invisibility spell, and observed the ponies from a distance.

At first Delmar wasn't very excited. Thinking that the ponies acted just like humans. But as Delmar watched, the more the ponies acted like the perfect little society every human leader dreamed of. Obedience, innocence, and law abiding.

He did see the pink pony the butterfly mentioned, and quickly learned why the butterfly warned him about her. She was a blur moving throughout the village, constantly doing errands and what looks like throwing parties every twenty minutes. This would be impossible if she is mortal, and slowly, ever so slowly, Delmar got a headache.

Before he had a colossal migraine, he studied the rest of the village, taking note that some ponies had wings, others horns that can do magic, and some that don't have either. He noted that these are all pegusus, unicorns, and what seemed to be regular ponies.

He did, however, see only one that had both a horn and a pair of wings. He assumed she was important because of the size of her home, and how she was the only one with a little drake as a pet. He also knew she was a she because he could hear her scream when the pink one surprised her with a cake from behined some bushes.

All in all, the village tone seemed to be commonplace. Everything seemed normal for the ponies. Delmar could transform into one of them, but he would need to posses one and kill it in order to fully function. Deciding against that idea, he simply watched in silent awe at the ponies. A functioning society with real, genuine harmony.

It was almost...storybook.

After a few hours of watching, Delmar noticed how dark it was. Deciding to get some rest, Delmar hid in some nearby woods that was on the opposite side of the village. Sensing a sort of magical field around it, Delmar took it as an opportunity to refill his magic reserves, due to him burning through it all day watching the ponies.

After he was finished, he decided it best to stay near the treeline in view of the village. Finding a tree, he leaped up to the top and leaned against one of the branches.

Watching the sun lower in it's own odd way, and watching the moon rise in it's own way, Delmar took time to study the stars.

Figures, they weren't the same constellations. This is a different dimension after all. But they seem to move slightly independently he stared long enough.

After a while, Delmar nodded off, and slept like a normal human would. Snoring and being in complete peace within himself.

Canterlot Castle, Princess Luna's bedroom.

Luna stared at her reflection, noticing all the small freckles she accumulated after she returned from being Nightmare Moon. It was almost like her mirror was reminding her that she was once it, and is probably still her. She hated that, she hated her reflection... she hated her freckles.

Luna sighed and smiled.

No, she didn't hate her reflection, or her freckles, in fact, she would like to imagine them as the best stars. Since they were on her cheeks, she could show her best stars off every time she went outside.

She smiled and started brushing her ever waving hair. Pulling out knots that accumulated in her sleep, and pulling out any lose hair, which was only one small strand.

Luna placed her brush back down on her dresser, and once again stared at her reflection.

"You are no longer Nightmare Moon, you are now Princess Luna, Princess of Dreams." She pointed at her reflection like a mother reminding her child. It brought her comfort.

"Lulu? What are you ding in there?" Celestia called from behined Luna's bedroom door.

"O-oh nothing Tia, just reminding myself of my duties." Luna gave a soft blush as she continued staring, but had an ear facing her door.

"Alright, as long as you are ok. Just letting you know it's time to raise the moon. I am off to bed, goodnight Lulu."

"Sweet dreams Tia." Luna responded.

Luna listened for her sister to wonder off, then going to her balcony and feeling the evening air. She breathed in slowly and out slowly. She wanted this night to be special.

Luna positioned herself, and concentrated her magic on her moon. Lowering the sun all the way and finally raising her jewel in the sky. She positioned the stars in a new order, hoping it would bring peace to any nightmares that could be happening.

As she let her magic lose, she stared at her sky, like her reflection, she loved her sky.

She loves her freckles.

Luna giggled to herself and walked back inside. Preparing to enter the Dream Realm.

As she focused her magic, the air around her froze and left nothing, then came back suddenly in a bright flash of transition. Her Dream Realm.

She looked out at all the dreams, some were fantasies of love, others were great adventures, and some were just peaceful.

All these ponies she knew, each bubble revealed what they wanted, or what they have and more. Each dream, being a wish. All Luna did was make sure those wishes stayed from being regrets. The nightmares.

However it seemed to be a peaceful night, no nightmares in sight. Wasn't odd, but Luna would like some action.

Hm? What is that?

Luna sensed a presence within the Dream Realm that was unfamiliar. Dark, corrupted, against standard.

This was curious for her, she thought everypony that was in her Dream Realm she knew, only to be proven wrong.

Well, that's life now isn't it?

Taking her chances, she decided to see what this Dream Bubble was, or more of a cloud.

As she approached the unknown cloud, her senses were dampened slightly, as if the thing was aware of her presence, which surprised her slightly. She weighed her options, no pony should be aware of her in dreams other than Celestia, Cadence, Twilight, Discord, and Shinning Armor. Also, the amount of magic within dreams should almost be next to none, but this cloud had massive amounts of reserve magic just floating here.

Luna thought it best to investigate.

She entered the black cloud, taking note that it smelled like burning wood for some reason. Her eyes scanned the blackness, revealing nothing until she noticed distant lights. House lights? Luna pressed on, realizing she was walking on a gravel road. The light got brighter, she could make out a set of double doors facing her. As she approached them she could feel the very air almost welcoming her.

That set off a red flag, she could feel the dream speaking to her.

She already knows it was aware of her presence, but this dream acted like it was expecting her. She didn't like her gut feeling. Nevertheless, she approached the massive doors.

She was on a front porch, made of a type of dark wood. The lights in the house dimmed as she noticed thin silk curtains over them with designs that resembled nothing she knew of.

Whoever was dreaming, had a very creative mind.

Luna didn't know what to do now, should she knock? She felt almost like it would be rude not to.

Shrugging, she knocked on the door three times. Loud enough to hear, but soft enough to not sound panicked.

Not that she was mind you.

As soon as she put her hoof down, the strong sent of smoke and the sounds of heavy hoofsteps approached the door. Luna could feel the air lift and the world brighten as the door opened, revealing a very tall, and very dead creature.

She had to take a step back just to gaze up at him. At least, she thought it was a male.

Her eyes adjusted to the new light, revealing a skeletal figure with massive bones and a skull about the size of Tia's fla- well that is a close assumption. But he was holding a can of something and had a burning stick of paper in his mouth, the sounds of loud music can be heard behined him.

Overall, he was pretty frightening. But Luna has encountered worse, and was prepared to do anything to ensure the safety of her ponies. Although not a threat yet, she still isn't certain he was safe either.

Delmar looked at the pony in front of him. Not the same one he saw today.

She was blue, with waving hair that resembled the night sky. She was considerably taller than the purple one he saw earlier. He did notice her mark, which he saw that every pony in the village had, was different.

This pony knocked on his door as he was chillin' in his mind like a balla', although he was surprised to find a pony in his mind already, he wasn't showing it.

He analyzed her, invading her magic field without her knowing, and was surprised to learn her name. Luna.

"Luna I'm assuming?" Delmar asked in a manner that surprised Luna to her core, how did he know her name?

"U-um yes. How does a creature like yourself know me, but I don't know you? You have strong magic in your dream yet I have never seen anything the likes of you." Luna's suspicions were confirmed as he was male, the tone and volume being a likeness to Tirek, but softer without the echoing volume like Tirek. This didn't ease her suspicions.

"Well, I knew you were watching my mind when I was sleeping, and it didn't take long to find out what you are, where you have been, and what you do." Delmar responded, and taking a quick sip of his beer.

Luna watched him drink his beverage, curious of what it is, the smell was clearly alcoholic, but was intriguing nevertheless. But she was getting off track.

"Do you have a name?"

"Yes, my name is Delmar. Lord of Limbo, and Death."

Luna was nervous now. But she was still suspicious, he could be a demon from Tartarus, they have magic in their sleep as well.

"How do I know you aren't a threat to my ponies?" Luna asked while still warily staring at his figure.

"I didn't destroy your magic field when you entered, that's one. I opened my doors to you, that's two. And I haven't kicked you out of my Dreamscape yet, that's three." Delmar raised three bony fingers for her, making his point clear he wasn't going to threaten her.

"Well...I guess I believe you, for now. But a Lord? Even the entity of Death here? What for?"

"Well, I'm on vacation."

Even in the Dream Realm, a pin drop can easily be heard outside if you tried hard enough.

Luna was gobsmacked "...V-vacation?"

Delmar sighed and wiped his face.

"Yes, I'm on vacation. I wanted a place that was quiet."

Luna was still not convinced "How can I trust you Lord of Death?"

Delmar huffed "Please, just call me Delmar. That title is only for my advisors, and frankly it sounds better when it's formal and not in a situation like this. Would you like to come inside and talk? Maybe we can sort this out in a more comfortable environment."

Luna covered her face as he blew some smoke in the air, the smell was suffocating.

"Sure...but please whatever that thing is in your mouth, don't blow it in my face. It stinks and it makes me want to cough."

Delmar sighed and regrettably tossed the flaming stick from his mouth and put it out under his boot "It's called a cigarette, it keeps me aware of things unlike my magic."

Luna was ushered in, and took a look at his home he was dreaming of.

It was plain...but was clean and organized, as if everything was meant to be in that place.

When she turned around to talk to Delmar, he had a can of that alcoholic beverage he was drinking earlier.

"Want a beer?"

Author's Note

Maybe it's just me, but my house smells more and more like burnt bacon after writing this.

Can Death Anger Stuff?

After being welcomed into the fake home inside Delmar's dream, Luna was shown to a couch that, again, was surprisingly plain, and was handed the can of beer that was offered to her when she walked in.

Luna looked at the can quizzically, then deciding 'Might as well' and took the can and opened it.

The smell hit her nostrils almost instantly, making her cough slightly. It was so overpowering from a mixture of smells to the fizz that built up around the rim. She grimaced as she took a tentative lick to test the taste. It wasn't bad, but it was something she would need to get used to. Then the flavor sneaked up in her throat. It was almost like it literally punched her mouth with alcohol.

"What is this!?" Luna looked at Delmar with slight anger, but more something along the lines of super questionable curiosity.

Delmar chuckled "It's called beer. That particular flavor is my own special brew that I absolutely love. It has a lot of cinnamon though. I call it, Whispering Fire"

She looked at the can with some apprehension, it surprised her how real this dream was, and she was the Princess of Dreams!

She didn't want to be rude, so she decided it was best to finish the can. She can handle it, after all she did finish Applejack's Fire Hot Hard Apple Cider...

Deciding it wasn't going to kill her, she took a big girl gulp.

It was much more potent.

Her nostrils flared, and she felt the fire of cinnamon in her nose, and more spices that she couldn't pinpoint. It burned.

But was a nice burn, something new. She actually liked it despite it making her eyes water.

"Thish...ish really good!" Luna said with a slight lisp due to the burning sensation all over her mouth.

She took more gulps, only stopping to breathe, until the entire can was completely empty. With a small 'Aw', she placed the can on a coffee table that was next to the couch.

Delmar chuckled again "You liked it? That's surprising, I used several types of spices to make it burn like that. Not many people I know can handle it. Or souls for that matter."

That was right, Luna had almost forgotten why she was here: to find out exactly why the Lord of Death was on vacation.

Getting serious, despite the still burning sensation, she looked at Delmar with a face that could melt ice.

It probably could really now, her face was heated from the beer.

"I wish to ask you a few questions if you don't mind. I just want to make sure you are not a threat to my ponies."

"Didn't I already say why I was here? I'm on vacation. I just want some peace and quiet. Although the company is quiet amusing, I would like to just chill." Delmar gestured to his home...mind...whatever.

Luna, being the ruler she is, just couldn't trust him.

"I don't know Delmar, you seem ok, but I would like to see you personally if you would. I just want to get approval from my sister."

Chelsy? No wait that's not right...Cade?...No that's not right either...Oh yeah! Now I remember!

"Celestia right? Co-ruler of Equestria and Princess of the Sun, also a sugar addict?" Delmar raised his bony skull above his eye hole to resemble an eyebrow, which made Luna shiver.

"That's another thing! Why and how do you know so much about us!?"

"I'm Death Luna, did you forget? I know every living things name and history just by simply talking to them, excluding fish and bugs, can't seem to get those down..." Delmar lied, he used magic to know, but was almost the same thing. At least he wasn't being rude and using it as they talked.

"I sense lies." Luna said plainly with a raised eyebrow.

Shit she's onto me! But how? I masked my magic! Delmar quickly made an excuse.

"I promise! What do you think I would-"

"I sensed you breaching my magic field Delmar, don't try and fool me."

Well damn lady...

Delmar underestimated Luna, maybe magic pony land wont be so bad after all.

"Fine you caught me." Delmar raised his hands and smiled as he spoke.

"Please, just come to Canterlot and visit with me and my sister, it's almost morning and she will be raising the sun soon. Canterlot is just southeast of Ponyville, take or follow the train to get there, if you can make yourself conspicuous. Canterlot is pretty easy to spot from Ponyville anyway so you should have no problem finding us."

Wait so the village that I'm near is called Ponyville? Seriously?

Delmar groaned, making sure Luna heard. Breaking the serious atmosphere.

"Seriously? I have to do stuff here to? And what kind of name is Ponyville anyway?"

Luna didn't show it, but it was funny watching something looking so terrifying and a title befitting the look, to complain like a child.

"Ah ah ah! None of the sass!" Luna can play two at this game.

"Fiiiine! I'll go and see your pony-land- ruler-sister! But you and I are not done talking you hear!?" Delmar said as the dream began to fade, indicating Delmar was waking up soon.

"Yes mom." Luna said with a stifled giggle.

All Luna heard was a groan as she also woke up.

Luna awoke with a smile, she would have never imagined the Lord of Death to talk and act like a child, or more like a tired teenager.

It surprised her though, other than her sister, no pony else could manipulate their dreams in such a way to make it feel so real. It was humbling, as Luna realized and was reminded something is always more powerful lingered in the shadows. Despite the strange and mysterious occurrence that is Delmar, she had no real reason to fear him.

Other than his looks.

She felt a weight on her entire body, slept to long? Maybe.

Celestia's sun was already up, which means she has free time. Although she should explain why she skipped night court.

Not that ponies used the night court anyway...

She yawned and got out of bed, using her brush to get the knots and loose strands out of her hair. Which was only one again. She looked at her reflection again, and stared at her freckles.

Her best stars...

She had to admit, they were hard to see, but in the moonlight, they shined like any star, only brighter with a twinkle.

Oh right! I should warn Tia of our visitor.

She double checked herself, making sure she was presentable, smelled her breath and quickly took a mint from her drawer.

The alcohol was to real.

Luna opened her chamber door to reveal her sister with a hoof in the air.

"Tia? I had a feeling you would be knocking any moment."

"Lulu, you have been asleep for a while, I thought you were sick. It's almost noon, so I made a brunch for you in case you are sick... you aren't are you?" Celestia, with her ever caring and motherly charm, said with her soft and worried voice.

"No worries Tia, I'm not sickly. I just had an interesting conversation with a certain po... I mean person."

"Person? Like a minotaur?"

"No, but he is tall like one. I asked him in the Dream Realm to come visit us. I would like your opinion of him before we...let him loose so to speak. He's very strange, but very powerful."

Celestia was curious, although ever slightly nervous. As she should be being a ruler and all.

"He isn't dangerous is he? Can he withhold from violence? Can he avoid being seen? What if-"

Celestia was hushed with a hoof in the mouth.

"Tia, he is extremely dangerous, but I think you will enjoy his company. In fact, I bet you will like him."

This didn't ease Celestia, but she never shows it in the least.

"Alright Lulu, but if he is so strange, will he be walking up here just like that without rousing the nobility?"

Luna went wide eyed, she hadn't consider- oh wait.

"Oh no, he knows magic. It's very different from ours but also very similar. He said he can make himself invisible to the populace, so we don't need to worry about any fear."

This eased Celestia slightly.

"Alright, I suppose if you trust him, so shall I. We should eat some brunch, we can have him meet in the dining room in private. If he is so powerful, then he should be able to trace our magical signatures."

Celestia and Luna both carried on to the dining room, making sure nopony was following. Although, during their walk Luna had a slight itch around her posterior, and it was annoying. She blushed as she used her magic to itch the spot, and it was gone. It was weird, but it felt like magic pulsations but was dismissed.

Once they reached the dining room they ordered all guards some privacy and had the door locked and magically sealed.

Once they were seated, they began to eat.

"Oh!" Celestia suddenly shouted "I almost forgot the most important question!"

"Yes Tia?" Luna said as she had just started cutting into some spiced eggs.

"What is this fellows name?"

"Oh, His name is Delmar, the Lord of Limbo and Death."

Limbo? Like the dance routine Pinkie showed me? Celestia thought.

"Interesting title, Limbo..."

Luna shrugged, she didn't ask him what it meant either. She thought it was also the dance routine.

Boy will they be disappointed when they were told what it was.

Delmar watched as the two sisters walked alongside each other. He traced Luna's magic signature in his dream. It wasn't hard, just slightly annoying having his entire body transported almost on top of Luna as she was waking up. That would have been a funny story to explain.

Currently he was hiding on the ceiling as a shadow, simply blending in with his surroundings. Although he thought he did see Luna look at him, but it didn't seem like she noticed his magic. He triple checked using magic pings that bounced off Luna's butt to see if she would detect it. She noticed but Delmar wasn't positive if the pings just made her uncomfortable, or she knew it was him and simply wanted to keep his identity secret for the time being.

Either way, it was almost hysterical watching her horn glow just to itch her butt.

Delmar followed using levitation magic, which was hard to do on an empty stomach, but when he heard they would be eating, he decided to surprise them by popping out from behined a chair or something.

Maybe, just maybe he could get Luna to spit a drink.

Once they reached their destination, they ordered their pony guards to leave and they locked the door, which Delmar simply bypassed by phasing through the door. Which he was glad he did, since they also magically sealed off the area.

That would have been more noisy to get into. It would be embarrassing to have to shove himself through a magical barrier, which made him sound constipated.

But he was in, and he made his move.

Once he was sure they didn't notice his presence, he snuck up behined Luna's seat as she was eating what looked like eggs and thought of the best prank ever.

He will put some of his own spices into the eggs. Except add a spice that even made Delmar tear up, a Reaper Pepper.

Makes sense

He used materialization magic to summon the tiny pepper, it wasn't big so it should be undetectable.

Delmar crushed the pepper so only juices remained, and when Luna wasn't looking, he splashed a tinkle on the eggs.

Luna cut off a piece of the spiced egg, and placed it into her mouth.

Delmer giggled as he placed himself on the seat opposite of her, still invisible, and waited for results.

This is for leaving a can empty on my coffee table...

Luna enjoyed eggs, especially spicy ones. She liked the kick it gave to the texture of eggs.

It was a good meal, and when she cut off another piece of her eggs, she expected nothing less.

Instead, a little tingling sensation in her throat.

It wasn't painful, but annoying, so she decided to drink some water to rid of its pestilence.

That was a mistake.

Instead of quelling the tingling, it made it grow into a burn, and at once it felt like a fire from a dragons maw decided to mouth love Luna. It was painful.

She coughed and started to tear up, wheezing as the burn slowly turned into a bleeding flow of fire. Lava.

She ate motherbucking lava.

She drank her entire glass in a split second, only to have it turn to fire in her gut. She was crying not from pain, but from fear. She was afraid of burning a hole in her stomach.

Luna was sweating, her throat muscles screamed for her to do something, and her gut was about to abandon ship.

She needed to puke.

Luna couldn't, as that fear of lava again rose in her brain, she couldn't do anything.

This was happening in a span of about five seconds.

Celestia seemed to notice Luna's agony.

"Sister? Is it to spicy for you?"

What do you bucking think Tia!? Yeah no bucking way this is legal! This feels like torture, whoever the motherbucker that decided to bucking add this shit to my eggs is going to feel the wrath of my fur- oh my god I'm about to burp! No! I don't want to burn! Please! Anypony! Help me!

As if on que, a skeletal hand placed a glass of milk in front of Luna.

She grabbed it and drank it all, only for it to refill again with milk that seemed endless.

It helped, striking the fire down and easing her insides. Her eyes burned, her nostrils felt better than any day she ever had.

That was one good thing, her sinuses are clear.

She looked up at Tia, who was staring not at her, but at the laughing and coughing skeletal figure on the floor next to her.

Once he was done laughing, he got up, stared Luna directly in the eyes, and said a sentence that re-kindled Luna's fire of anger.

"Don't leave a can of trash on my coffee table ever again."

Celestia looked confused, while Luna responded...

"I'm going to bucking kill you..."

Author's Note

I like sour food and drinks.

I can't handle spicy food.

Can Death Smell Stuff?

Now you might be thinking, why in all of the universes Death seems so...childlike?

Because he's bored while on vacation that's why.

Right now Delmar is running in the halls of Canterlot castle trying to avoid being blasted in the tooshie by a very purple Princess Luna, because red plus blue equals purple. In the simplest terms, she was angry. Very angry.

Luna liked spicy food, but not when it has been tainted by the Devil's crotch. She began to use words so profound not even Celestia would utter. Or she would if her mouth was alit.

Which Luna's was, in case you forgot.

"I SWEAR BY MY PARENTS GRAVE YOU WILL BURN IN TARTARUS FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!" Luna used the Canterlot voice to make sure Delmar heard her clearly, to which he responded...

"Burn like your mouth!?"

This only poked the angry Luna, who by now was literally blasting magic missiles in Delmar's general direction, cracking the hard ornate walls of the castle, leaving black wasted rage in her wake.

Delmar still had pepper juice in his bony hands by the way.

He got an idea, an awful, crude and maybe a little mean idea.

Delmar stopped on heel, quickly turned around, and shoved his hand into Luna's nose. Who ran straight into his hand nose first. Since she was running, she breathed in a good amount.

Enough to make her pass out from shock and from a coughing fit. Or so Delmar wanted.

Instead, Luna grabbed his hand and snorted the rest of the pepper juices. Delmar was stunned, and for the first time in his long life, a little uneasy.

Mildly uneasy....

Ok very uneasy.

She looked at him, with watery pink eyes and a crazy grin.

"WHERE IS YOUR WEAPON NOW FIEND!?" She shouted once again.

She grabbed him and pulled him down with her own weight, not magic. She flipped Delmar and she magically levitated something behined her.

The plate of spicy eggs.

Delmar immediately tried to apologize, but Luna wasn't having it.

"L-look you have to admit it was pretty funny with your face gasping for air-"

"Shhh...it's ok. I understand." That was a lie.

"R-really?" Delmar...please don't.

"Oh yes, I forgive you. On one condition..." Oh boy here we go.

"Y-yes?" Delmar you are a fucking fool and a half.

"Shove the rest of the eggs in your nose..." Luna had a grin the could cleanly slice steel, and leave no marks.

Delmar gulped, and took the plate in his hands. Luna waited with her horn at the ready in case Delmar decided to bolt.

He could just fake it, he can do that. But...it wouldn't be fair.

He needed to do this, it was obligated. To prove he wasn't a TOTAL ass.

"Well...down the hatch!" And Delmar could swear, he saw more colors than he would have wanted. His nose literally screamed in agony from the sudden rush of pain and misery.

He smelled hell, and not Hell, but hell in a horrible, multi-retarded sense. It makes sense on paper.

Both Delmar and Luna ended up on the ground, coughing and crying from the pain.

Delmar, having just literally shoved hell in his nose, and Luna, losing her crazed state, accidentally breathed in the spices as she was passing them to Delmar.

For once, Delmar actually believed God was dead.

Celestia gave the scene a wide birth, not wanting to ingest the wild spices that has claimed her sister and who Luna called Death.

If not even Death was safe from this pepper, it must be extreme.

She sighed as both Luna and Delmar passed out, from exhaustion not pain. She used her magic and dragged both of them to her own chambers to rest. Maybe she would make them both something to calm them both.

Or not, she could play her own prank.

No...I would rather not face Luna in such a state ever again. She dismissed the chaotic future she was about to unleash and opened her chamber door.

Celestia admitted them both to the large bed that was her own, not really caring that they both were in such a close proximity in the bed.

They will be out for a while.

Celestia decided to let them rest and not wait for them to wake up, looks like finding out what Death is doing here will have to wait.

If his reason is to torment Lulu, I might let him just out of spite. Celestia smiled as she left the room. Gods she wished that was the case.

However, the fight was far from over. Being the Princess of Dreams, and the Lord of Death being a force of time and space itself, the fight would not only continue...

But would clash in the Dream Realm.

The space around her was just stars, planets, and distant galaxies she has never seen before. It would be pretty if not for the fact not thirty or so hoofsteps in front of her was him, her target, her enemy.

Death.

The stage was set, this was not one dream, but two combined in a vice. This was Destiny for both of them.

All that mattered now is who would break first.

That would be Luna, clad in her royal battle armor she donned herself for this occasion. However, Delmar was in his own battle regalia.

Black metal covered his once wool coat, a sword of red energy was in his right hand. His face was stone, and had the expression of determination, and rage.

Luna herself, had the same expression.

Not even the rings of Saturn could compare in the beauty that was battle.

Luna rushed Delmar, using magic and her flight to send him flying in the space. The sound that was made was deafening, force against gravity within a dream.

This changed the space into a nebula of red and various shades of pink, representing the rage both Death and Luna have built up. It was time for a counter attack, and Luna wasn't prepared.

Using his sword, the force was so great behined Delmar's blow that Luna couldn't dream up a counter, and crashed into a nearby moon.

Adding insult to injury.

The blade glowed and dimmed slightly, almost like it was laughing at Luna's despair.

She had enough.

Luna, charging her horn, blasted a beam of pure magic at Delmar, causing a recoil in surprise, but was blacked by his own magical beam from his hand.

The colors of Destiny, Red and Blue once again meet in a cataclysmic environment.

Both energies slammed into each other with enough energy to make the Tsar Bomba look like a joke, and make a supernova look like a firework in comparison to this explosion of hate.

Both of the players representing what they are, why they are representing those ideals, and what they are fighting for, stared at one another for a brief moment. Assessing the opponent was key in a fight.

Both were wrecked, but stood tall. Luna's horn was scratched and chipped in various places. And Delmar's sword was cracked in the middle, and his skull showed a small indent just above his eye.

All this, because of a pepper.

Delmar and Luna bolted at each other, using magic, force, whatever they could to cause as much damage to each other as much as possible. What resulted, was something that not even God would want.

The Reverse Big Bang.

Celestia felt a chill in her spine, she shook and scratched her head.

Her day court looked at her quizzically.

"Hm? Oh nothing is wrong folks. Now what was the problem?"

"He stole my golf ball!"

"No! You stole MY golf ball!"

Celestia smiled as her eyebrow twitched slightly.

"So the United States was a conglomerate of technically countries that united under one banner?" Luna was sitting on an asteroid with Delmar, both having finally calmed down after they both knocked each other out. Delmar showed her the Milky Way as he remembered it, and showed her Earth and the history of great empires and society's from his perspective as a distraction from both of their injuries.

Both bleeding from the nose ironically.

"Indeed, they were another powerful nation in history that can be compared to the Romans, in fact many of the laws and ideas were inspired by the Romans for the United States and other countries. It's to bad they decided to abandon the Democratic and Republic ideals and turned to Imperialism. They took Canada and Greenland, several islands, renamed themselves the American Order, and basically made an automaton society."

"Sounds depressing for the citizens..." Luna commented while staring at Saturn.

"It is, I still laugh at the idea that there are over two-hundred countries on that small, insignificant planet. It pales in comparison to the other planets with society's. One of those planet's inhabitants completely abandoned religion and focused on science, using the sun PHYSICALLY for energy." Delmar switched from the Humans Solar System to the Kaparies system of Gerdolia, and Luna saw the unimaginably huge mechanism surrounding the massive star.

"How..." Luna asked, in awe with her mouth agape.

"Intelligence to me is annoying, making killing things that need to be killed a chore. But it can also lead to great, incredibly creative feats. Such as this mechanism developed by the Kaparies's."

Luna watched the mechanism harness the sun, the glow almost unnatural as she saw the suns beam of energy bounce around the giant metal contraption.

"Magic in my dimension doesn't exist in a harness-able form, so many of these planet's rely on intelligence."

Luna looked away from the mechanism "Wait, if this dimension relies so heavily on intelligence so much, shouldn't the Humans have peace?"

Switching back to Earth, Luna and Delmar could see all the wars play out at once, in every single country throughout their histories.

Every single one...

"Why do they kill so much? Shouldn't they have realized by now that fighting each other will only lead to their own deaths? Why are they always fighting?"

Delmar had actually no answer, as he never orchestrated the Humans lives, he only ended them. But it was a question he would need to ask Silica, once she contacted him of course.

"I...I don't know. It isn't the Humans either that are so violent. Throughout this universe in my dimension there is always violence. Remember the Kaparies? They conquered six planets just for living space, killing entire civilizations for their own selfish needs. Peace seems like a vague term, and a poor option among this dimension."

Now she knew, now she knew the reason. Death was on vacation not because of boredom, but because to get away from all the stress and depression of being Death. There is so much here...

This is how it will be in Delmar's dimension, she surmised.

Delmar looked down for a moment, but quickly shot up with renewed optimism.

"Hey, it's not all bad here though! Some Humans, Kaparies, whatever, are actually decent to be around. Some are funny and so on. Here let me show you a memory."

And the scene changed as Luna watched.

It was a park, and two male humans are walking a dog within the vicinity of an old female human.

Or at least she thought the human was a she, and old, but was proven wrong when she jumped up and screamed "I'm having a baby! Get the doctor!" Both male humans and dog stopped to witness water dripping from her crotch, and a bloody human popped out like it was dead. And started chasing after the dog and humans.

All in all, it was pretty funny, although a little gross.

Luna found herself laughing.

"Humans are so weird and dumb, but at least some are enjoying their lives." Luna commented as she was holding back another laugh.

Delmar looked at the Milky Way again with Luna, both stayed very quiet for an uncomfortable amount of time.

"Hey Luna, I want to apologize for making you snort my special pepper. I thought it would be funny, and you have to admit, watching you squirm was the best damn thing I have seen for a very long time."

Luna wanted to punch him right then and there, but she withhold herself, and looked at the big picture of what he was saying.

Luna smiled "I also would like to apologize for making you snort the eggs you spiced. But again, I can relate to your joy of watching things squirm."

Both looked at each other and laughed. Returning to that silence, but much less awkward.

"Hey Luna, would you like to listen to human music?"

Luna looked at Delmar with some suspicion, but took note he didn't have anything to humiliate her.

"What kind of music?"

Looking through his mind, he came across an album that had a beetle on the front with the words Journey on the front. Several songs were on this album, but it was their best apparently by human standards. Not really paying attention to which one he was picking, he played spin wheel and his choice fell.

Delmar closed his eyes and the song played.

The scene changed again, and Luna listened with glee, as the unknown music danced in her ears.

She loved it. The slow melody, and the sweet voices that sang for her.

They both stared into the distance, watching planets and distant stars twinkle. Luna couldn't have imagined something so astoundingly more beautiful than this. All the colors and vastness of wonder flooded her mind with the music. She was finally at peace, and she had the Lord of Death to thank for it.

Speaking of which...

"Hey Delmar..." She said softly.

Delmar opened his eyes, somehow, and looked at her while listening to the music playing around them.

"Would you like to be friends?"

Author's Note

I can't believe all the attention and love this story is getting already. I can't express how much appreciation you all deserve.

Can Death Help Stuff?

It was a question that perplexed Delmar, and one he never thought he would be asked.

Friends...with Death?

Of course he had friends back in Limbo, but they were far and few. But a true, genuine friend will fight and argue with you and will still stick around.

Luna fit that category, friend, and she hardly knew him. Personally that is.

But Delmar could say the same, he hardly knew Luna.

How else are you supposed to make friends? Buy them? Probably.

But not here, not now. She was asking, a request that still shook Delmar.

"You want to be friends with a being like me?" Delmar asked as the scene changed from space to a planets surface, a gas giants atmosphere with suspended rocks, one they were currently seated on.

"I mean...I know we just met, and we just almost killed each other, but I think I learned more about friendship from that than anything I have learned from my other friends I have accumulated over the years."

"Care to elaborate?" Delmar was still unconvinced she was serious, but Luna is always serious when it came to personal relationships. Especially friends.

"I mean, you played a prank on me, and I got angry. I did something out of revenge, and we both suffered because of it. Then we fought for real here, in the Dream Realm, and look at us now. Beaten, and almost dead, listening to music, and watching the stars together and having a proper conversation. If anything, I learned that if you fight with somebody, but you still tolerate their presence, that means something." Luna stared out into the sea of stars, in tranquil tandem with her speech.

"Friends are people that know your buttons, and press them constantly, but you care enough for them to do the same, and you still talk to each other. That is true friendship, and one I think we physically acted out."

Delmar was speechless, and couldn't find a better reason than to trust her judgement.

"Alright Luna, we can be friends. Although, your sister will be surprised to hear about this."

"Yeah, she will. Maybe we can spice her tea or something and do this all-"

"No Luna, I will not do that to a sun princess."

The light was returning, both of them regaining consciousness as the music faded and the endless void of space retreated into light. All Delmar heard was begging for spicing Celestia's tea.

Both awoke to the sounds of nighttime silence. They must have been out for a while...

Delmar and Luna had splitting headaches, which was cured by ice cold water from the motherly princess herself. Giggling at each others expense.

Celestia ended day court early and decided to see how the little troublemakers were doing, as soon as she walked in, both were on the ground clutching their heads.

"Y'know, you both kind of deserve this. Those eggs took me all morning, just trying to get the taste right. And you both go and ruin them, I don't know what to say." Celestia said with tease ever so present in her voice.

"Yeah yeah, whatever sun-butt." Delmar said while shooting a glance at Celestia, who responded with a smile and a chuckle.

"Now now. No reason to be so prude Delmar."

Delmar just sighed as he drank his water, Luna on the other hand groaned.

"Guess I should raise the moon..."

"Already taken care of Lulu, mayhaps it was off by a few hours. I was expecting you both to snap out of it a while ago. Guess that pepper was more formidable than I expected...Delmar, you wouldn't have any with you now do you?" Celestia smiled at Delmar, making Delmar slightly nervous.

"No...I used the last of it on Luna." He lied. He had plenty at his disposal, but he fibbed so he wouldn't do it again.

At least that's what he told himself.

They all had a good laugh, which was followed by a long silence.

"So...Tia I made a new friend."

Breaking the ice with a fucking sledgehammer, Luna looked at Celestia with a sheepish grin.

"So you both settled your differences and became friends?"

Both Delmar and Luna nodded.

"Then it is written, any friend of Lulu is a friend of mine!" Celestia said with a cheer like a little school girl.

Delmar was silent, while Luna looked surprised. Actually they both were surprised.

"Hey look Delmar, you made your second friend today!" Luna being Luna, not liking awkward silences, shook Delmar out of his spur.

"O-oh. Very well then. Happy to be friends with you to Princess Celest-"

"Please just Celesta when we are in private. I hate that title when close friends are around."

Delmar smiled, as he could relate to her reasoning. Delmar was so much more simpler, although Lord of Death had its moments.

"So..." Celestia looked at Delmar with a curious glance.

"Yes?"

"Lord of Limbo...isn't that the dance routine where you go under a bar and go low as you can go?"

Luna spit out her water and laughed, while Delmar shook his head.

After a long discussion of what Limbo is and how it is part of the Three Kingdoms of the Afterlife, Celestia passed out from her attentive listening. She was kind, but also over-exerted herself Delmar noticed.

Celestia forced herself to be polite, Delmar can see the cracks in her mask as she really wanted to sleep when she first arrived to check on them. Delmar would like to ask Celestia to not do that, as it would cause problems in later discussions if she pretended to be nice.

That was another thing, was she really his friend? Having ponies as friends is weird but they have their moments. Luna was a big yes, as she proved herself to be a real friend. But Celestia? She hasn't proven herself, but Delmar didn't want to press the issue.

They left Celestia to slumber, while Luna and Delmar went to get something to eat. Luna made triple sure he wasn't going to attempt to kill her again with that horrible pepper, and if he did try she would repeat what they did today.

Delmar was far to hungry and tired to use magic, so it was safe for now.

They made their way to the dinning room, then into the kitchen. All the night staff was on leave due to Luna's little escapade with Delmar. They had the whole kitchen to themselves.

They made pancakes, as it was Luna's favorite. Delmar made his own chocolate cinnamon, while Luna made blueberry and cream.

Each had three pancakes, and ate them right away.

They didn't talk, wanting to eat what they missed all day on: food for magic.

After another five sets of pancakes later, both were stuffed and happy. Taking a long gulp of milk, Delmar burped and laid back in his chair. Luna raising a hoof and shouted "Five points!"

After relishing in the warmth of fresh food in their belly's, both Delmar and Luna made small talk. Luna explaining Equestrian society, the Elements of Harmony, all the rulers, including one named Twilight Sparkle who was the same one Delmar saw a few days ago. The screaming purple one.

Luna clarified that the little dragon she was almost always with was not a pet, but was an assistant that Twilight got as a gift and raised herself. Delmar was impressed with actually how complex these society's were.

After Luna was finished, Delmar reciprocated by giving her more information of Earth and his dimension. The technological feats of many races of various planets, the eventual end of all life in a universe and it's rebirth (which Luna found very intriguing), and explaining more about the Three Kingdoms: Paradise, Limbo, and Hell.

Then, Luna sat silent for a moment and asked a very difficult question, as she wanted to make sure her assumption was not wrong.

"So Delmar, what is the real reason you are here? In Equestria? I feel like you have a sort of motivation other than just boredom."

Delmar sighed, he knew this question would come up eventually.

"Honestly? I...I got tired."

Luna waited for more, but none came.

"That's it? Just tiredness?"

"Well think about what I'm saying Luna. I have been ruling for almost a billion years. Killing and gathering souls to keep balance in my dimension. Paradise and Hell used to be ancient enemies, but with Limbo they have almost an alliance of sort. I made that happen, and I was promoted as a High Council member."

Luna remembered him mentioning that, the High Council was a group of representatives of each Kingdom, quadruple checking and assessing the conditions of all life, even influencing other places such as Equestria, but remained solely to Delmar's dimension, as Delmar could only influence Death in that dimension. Paper makes things easier to explain.

"I still don't understand why you are here, I just assumed maybe your here because of the stress of being Death."

Delmar was silent, then glanced back up at Luna with a soft expression.

"I just got tired...I don't think stress was a part of it. It seems likely, but Luna..."

He leaned over to her, getting really close. Almost distraught was the only thing Luna could make out from his expression.

"...even I don't know why I'm here, really. I told everybody I wanted a vacation and that was that. No real reason. Just...I just wanted some peace."

Luna sighed "I guess as rulers of any kingdom or empire, we all eventually want some peace. I suppose that's universal."

Delmar sat back, and stared at the ceiling, pondering about the question he was about to ask.

"Do you ever want peace? Like maybe a small break from Dreams?"

Luna sat on this question, she hadn't really thought about it.

"I suppose some nights there are those nightmares that spook me. These ponies have it hard with the recent issues with the other empires. But during the day they act like nothing is wrong, even my sister suffers from this..."

Delmar listened attentively, although made sure he was listening to every detail.

"Some nights, her dreams are nothing, blank. Just her in complete darkness crying... I wish I could help her, but I just don't know how... She never speaks of her blank dreams, she just smiles and pretends to be happy. Delmar, I'm afraid for her. I'm afraid one day she'll snap and hurt somepony or herself..."

Delmar got up from his seat and placed a bony hand on her shoulder.

"It's ok Luna, maybe I can help. I have encountered many souls in my life that needed some counseling. They wanted peace, and so I gave them the option through just talking with me. But I can't do it alone, I need your help."

Luna pondered this, she really didn't want him to get involved, but he has way more experienced than she or anybody Luna knew could muster.

Luna placed a hoof on his hand "I will help of course, she is my sister after all. I just want her to be happy..."

Delmar looked quizzically at the ceiling, in the general direction of Celestia's room.

"Can you tell if she is having one of those blank dreams now?"

Luna looked at where Delmar was staring, and lit her horn. She closed her eyes and entered the Dream Realm for a brief moment. Celestia was dreaming soundly, in a meadow full of life. She wasn't smiling however, but at least she was somewhat at peace.

Luna opened her eyes and glanced downward for a moment. "She's ok, but she isn't happy. It seems more wishful than anything really."

Delmar sighed "When should we talk to her?"

"Soon, but right now I think it's best to head to bed. You and I have exhausted ourselves today." Luna smiled as she started to trot out of the dining area.

"You make it sound so lewd Luna..."

Luna blushed and shot an angry glace at Delmar, who raised his hands in defense.

"Hey, I'm not judging! You have your kinks and whatnot..."

Luna scrunched her face "Excuse me, I would never even consider doing such things with the likes of you! Do you even have genitalia?"

"I mean...I can make it any size I want." Delmar had both pointed fingers in the air and twirled them around and sang "Bigger, better, stronger, faster, harder..."

Luna huffed and walked to the dining room door, Delmar not far behined.

Delmar started to follow her, but paused as he took a glance into the kitchen.

It was a complete mess, as pancake batter, chocolate chips, crushed blueberry, and cream were all over the counter and walls.

"Maybe we should clean our mess up..." Delmar suggested as he walked back into the kitchen.

Luna huffed again and trotted in after him "Fiiine...I hate cleaning."

"Maybe you should have thought about that as you were using the batter and blueberry's as weapons to try and beat me with them." Delmar teased.

"You can say whatever you want, I still won."

"Yeah, winning the mop."

"Hush you."

And so they both spent the rest of the night cleaning their battlefield of pancakes and pancake batter.

Author's Note

I saw this picture which gave me the idea for the ending of this chapter.

Death Absolutely Does Weed!

Three fucking days later, and the pancake fiasco still hasn't subsided.

Some of the kitchen staff have seen more of it in places were pancake batter shouldn't be. Like under the sinks, in the salads, and even in the oven still raw.

However the staff and guards didn't know who did it, Celestia knew who did.

She was currently bashing them on the face with the pepper Delmar conjured up.

"AH FUCK IT'S IN MY FUCKING BRAIN!" Delmar screamed as Celestia simply watched on in glee.

"DO YOU EVEN HAVE A BRAIN!? IT FEELS LIKE I'M MELTING THROUGH MY SOUL!" Luna also screamed, getting a sinister smile from Celestia.

As both Delmar and Luna rolled in their punishment, Celestia quietly spoke to herself.

"Maybe next time don't trash my kitchen, or else it's going in where my sun don't shine."

Celestia, was furious when she first laid upon Delmar and Luna trying to clean up her kitchen. In fact, they didn't clean it, they made it worse by having another fight about who made their pancakes better.

They never knew, but Celestia always made the best pancakes.

Always.

She also forced Delmar to summon more of the pepper as punishment, only reason why he complied was because seeing a fire pony with demonic fangs was the most terrifying thing Delmar has ever seen.

And Luna was also getting the punishment of lying to Delmar about her being sad. Celestia was never sad, Luna only wanted to find out why Celestia ate a lot of sugar. The whole "blank-dream-story" was simply a ruse to deceive Delmar, as Luna expertly did on her political escapades.

And so we come to now, Delmar and Luna both wanting to kill themselves and each other from the pain of the pepper that even Death would have fire shits from.

Celestia laughed at watching them squirm.

She wasn't sad, but she was angry.

Not long after their torment, Celestia locked them in a room with a very strong magical seal that even Delmar couldn't break. Mainly, because Delmar tried to use numbing magic to kill the pepper's horrible effects. It didn't work.

After a while they both healed from the torment, and both seemed equally agitated at one another.

Luna for lying about Celestia's depression, and Delmar for encouraging Luna to trash Celestia's kitchen. (Even though it was technically both Luna's and Celestia's.)

Three hours have passed and neither spoke to one another. Delmar having to waste another day from his vacation, and Luna having to waste her sleep away. The pepper still burned.

Delmar used a small amount of magic to summon a cigarette, and used his thumb as a lighter. He inhaled and blew a stream of smoke in Luna's general direction.

She angrily snapped at Delmar "I thought you agreed to not smoke!"

Delmar hissed back "And I thought the ponies were a nice race, except you lied to me you fucking bitch! I thought I believed Celestia was depressed! Why the hell would you lie to me about that!? Who the fuck does that!?"

Luna sighed heavily and annoyingly.

"Because I wanted to see why Tia ate my fucking cranberry pie! Only way to fucking break her fucking magic is to find some other fucking being stronger than her to break in!"

Delmar stared at Luna, not using the pony slang she used a few hours ago.

She seemed to notice and smiled.

"Fuck." She giggled.

Delmar had to admit, watching a pony swear like a human was adorable and hilarious.

"Fucking cunt." Delmar smiled back.

Luna laughed as she caught on quickly.

"Fucking worthless sack of shit!"

Both of them laughed as Delmar dropped his cigarette, accidentally extinguishing it with his bone feet.

Delmar was about to say 'Aw' but came up with an idea.

Another horrible, awful idea. One that would get at Luna, and one indirectly to Celestia.

"Hey Luna? Want to try something fun to pass the time?"

She stopped giggling and perked up "What kind of fun?"

"The kind of fun that will make you feel good and see some weird shit."

Luna was slightly suspicious but curious, as Delmar magically summoned two rolls of paper with what looked like green herbs in them. Almost like a Zebrican medicine ritual tool, but seemed bulkier and much longer.

Delmar popped one into his mouth as he offered the other one to Luna, who tentatively plopped it into her own mouth.

"Like dihs?" She said trying not to chew it.

"No, hold it with your lips, not your teeth." Like Delmar can say shit, he's like a skeleton.

It works on paper ok.

Luna adjusted, feeling much more comfortable with the stick in her mouth. Enough so, that she was able to speak.

"So what is this if I may ask?"

Delmar lit his, as he pressed his thumb into Luna's own stick.

"Weed, blunts of it, technical term is called marijuana." Delmar said nonchalantly. Luna may be a bitch, but at least she seemed naive enough to be convinced.

It was all going according to plan.

Luna watched Delmar inhale his, seeing the burning end decay slightly away, then him holding it in then breathing out. He then relaxed as he laid back on Celestia's bed.

"Yeah...that hit the spot. My own kind of weed Luna, makes you feel things like you wouldn't believe."

Luna mimicked Delmar's actions, getting a fizzy head and seeing some weird shapes and colors. But her whole body felt like jelly, making her fall back on the ground with a satisfied moan of relaxation.

Delmar was going to get Luna higher than the fucking sky.

Celestia managed to survive another day of Day Court, all the pointless complaints about nothing finally coming to an end. She loved her ponies, she really did, although some of them need a good wack on the head.

Supposing the two dimwits are punished enough, Celestia thought now would be a good time to see how their acti- she smelled something funny.

It made her feel funny...

It wasn't funny...

Celestia used her magic to deteriorate the magic barrier, not sensing either Luna or Delmar using magic.

She walked to her room, were she locked them in, and the scent of something burning kept getting stronger. Once she opened the door the scene before her perplexed everything she knew about her sister, and what little she knew about Delmar.

Luna, who was usually so serious about her appearance, was on the ground giggling at the ceiling which had suspended random pillows and blankets in her magic.

"T-this...this one is a little planet! And that one is a big one like POW!" Luna giggled in between her speech.

Delmar, who was also under some weird effect, was looking at his bony hands, turning them in whatever way he could.

"Like, how can something be dead but still alive? Why...why is my arm like frozen milk or something? Does it taste like milk...?" Delmar proceeded to lick his arm all over.

Celestia facehooved, she knew she would regret leaving them alone.

She noticed that the burning smell was around her feet, to which she noticed a tray of burning sticks in them.

A blue hoof grabbed her buttocks.

"H-hey! It's so soft! Like a pillow..." Luna proceeded to lay on her sisters rump. Giggling as Celestia pushed her off onto the mountain of pillows she dropped.

Celestia pinched the bridge of her nose. Wanting to rid her headache for good.

She then noticed an outstretched bony hand with one of the sticks in it.

"Try it Tia, it will make you feel like you are swimming on water..." Delmar said with a slight bewilderment, which confused Celestia.

But, she took a tentative sniff of the object. It was foul to her, the smell so repulsive it was like smelling a mass grave of Diamond Dogs.

But her head soon felt a fizz, then her muscles relaxed slightly.

It felt good.

"Well...I would like a moment away from my duties..." Delmar showed her how to smoke it, then gave the whole thing to her as he fell back to his arm licking.

Celestia, the last she remembered, was taking a long draft and giggling a lot.

Twilight Sparkle was getting worried, as the sun should have been lowered by now! It was making her frantic and constantly pulling possible happenings from her noggin.

She called the rest of the Elements for support, Starlight was also there trying to calm her down, while Spike was trying to keep up with the glass of water she was constantly downing.

After a few minutes of panicking, her senses finally caught up with her as she reasoned with herself along with Starlight.

"Ok...maybe they forgot? Yeah, plenty of ponies forget to do certain things! Like spike when he forgets to put the seat back down, or me trying to find a bookmark, or-" Twilight was cut-off by an orange hoof in her mouth.

"Twi, yer ramblin' again." Applejack said in her usual farmish accent that comforted Twilight, despite having being shushed from her.

"Right, sorry... I still need to work on that. But I just worry, last time this happened it was a disaster. I just don't want something like that to happen again."

"C'mon Twi, nothing like that will happen again! Maybe Celestia had something important to do or whatever." Rainbow Dash said with uninterested enthusiasm, really just wanting to go back to sleep.

Twilight sighed, having the thought of going there popping into her head for a moment.

"We should go check to make sure, I can teleport us there. Last time I went Luna taught me a spell that can permanently act as a teleport gate. It should be able to take us all."

They all nodded, excluding Fluttershy who was talking to a bird.

Starlight examined them all, looking to Twilight's way.

"I dunno Twilight, this is a lot of ponies to teleport, are you sure it's safe?"

"It will be fine, last time a pony was injured by a teleport gate was a thousand years ago!" Twilight smiled.

"But that kind of magic was never used in a thousand years..."

"It will be fine! I have trust in my abilities."

Twilight got set, positioning herself in the center of the big council room they were all in. The magic flowed outward, and placed itself on the ground and took shape in the manifestation of a big arch.

"Wow, it's absolutely stunning! It's so pretty!" Rarity said with awe and excitement.

"Looks like one of my big streamers I used for Spike's birthday! All glittery and sparkly!" Pinkie bounced around it as she studied the sparkly bits.

Spike shunned away from Pinkie, thinking her streamer was to girly for him.

Although, in my own personal opinion, a streamer that floated and sparkled would be badass.

Twilight finally managed to open the gate, revealing a foggy image.

"Huh?" Twilight exclaimed "What's happened to Celestia's room?"

"That's where you opened it to?" Starlight was a bit surprised, opening directly to a princess's chamber.

"This is an emergency, if the sun isn't lowered soon, it could cause some serious problems."

Twilight extended a hoof to the foggy apparition, feeling nothing of interest, she hopped through.

Followed by everybody in the room.

They all fell flat on their faces.

Teleporting seems to be moody lately...

When Twilight got her head up, she couldn't see anything, the smell was odd, and air was thick with smoke. Everybody else managed to get their heads up and see the same thing.

Twilight quickly used a simple wind spell and made all the smoke disperse.

Revealing Celestia, Luna, and a creature they have never seen before.

Rarity screamed and passed out while Applejack and Rainbow stood next to Twilight as defense, Starlight was behind her, her horn glowing. Spike was tending to Rarity, and Fluttershy was keeping Pinkie Pie from pulling out her "Super-Duper-Extreme-Chaos CannonTM."

However, Twilight noticed how...mellow they all were.

"Um...Celestia?" Twilight tentatively asked.

Currently, Celestia and Luna were on pillows, while the odd creature of bone was on the ground on its back. Celestia responded with a "Yeah sweetie?" in the softest, most mellow voice Twilight has ever heard.

"We uh...we came to see if...if you would settle the sun..."

"The sun is always settle, my dear Twily~" Celestia rolled onto her stomach like a cat.

"Isn't it weird how the sun can be so hot, but in winter it's cold? I believe it's because me and my sun works so hard, and we just need to chill~" Celestia smiled. A very high smile.

"Um...what exactly did you...do?"

The bony creature was next to speak "Purple Sparkle Butt, the Giant Pillow is high as fuck."

Twilight was taken aback at the sound of the creature, or him, and it's odd behavior.

"Oh yeah! I learned something today Twilight..." Celestia gestured Twilight to come closer.

She did.

"I learned a new few choice words, forming an expression..."

Twilight got closer.

"Fuck you Twilight~"

Author's Note

I promise, it WILL not turn into a Luna X Thing fic.

That shit hurts me. I apologize greatly for making it seem like that.

Also, I appreciate the feedback, and please spot any mistakes I may have made.

Death Absolutely Does Cocaine!

It wasn't long before the weed issue was dropped, as Delmar called it "A hell of a trip!"

Speaking of Delmar, he was punished and given a special room just for him. No like seriously, they had to build a room just for him. That's how angry and serious the Princesses were. They made a double-thick magic field, so he can't use any physical magic.

It was concrete, the walls and floor, and crudely done. The floor was rough with a texture that matched to a shaggy carpet.

They locked him in there like a dog in a kennel. It was humiliating.

Although Fluttershy stayed by his side, with Twilight's and the Princesses approval and much to the rest of the elements regrets, believing with him and her in the room alone together she would warm up to him and figure out why Delmar decided to get the Princesses high.

Boy was she wrong. Turns out Death is terrifying when he's musing. Kicking loose concrete and such as he paced around the room talking about how much he wanted to shove bananas up Luna's ass, and how much he wanted to shove Celestia's face in wasabi sauce. Fluttershy stayed as far away from him in the room as she could. Not like he noticed her anyway with her being so quiet.

Once Delmar settled down and sat on the ground in a corner, he finally noticed Fluttershy.

"The fuck do you want?"

She was taken aback, and scrunched her face trying to form an answer.

"W-w-well i j-just wanted to see what you...were..." She shrunk away behind her hair from Delmar's stare.

"I though those fucks upstairs told you what I am. I'm Death."

She just looked at Delmar blankly.

"Y'know, I kill ponies and people and sometimes eat their souls if they piss me off enough."

That did it, she finally started to cry and shake from fear.

Oh Delmar you fool.

"No! No!...No, that's not what I meant...Look don't cry just listen-"

She started to hide behind her shield of hair again.

Delmar swore to himself and sat back down.

"No Fluttershy I don't eat their souls." Well he could, he just hasn't yet.

Fluttershy seemed to settle somewhat, but still hid under her hair.

Delmar sighed in frustration "Great...just great..."

After a while, of utter and horrible silence, Fluttershy spoke.

"W-what do you like to eat?"

Delmar was confused, she was talking to him like he was an animal.

Degrading was her strong suit Delmar surmised.

"I'm Death kiddo, I don't eat. Unless I want to. So in that case, spicy and strong tasting foods."

Fluttershy seemed to become more comfortable as they talked about random subjects. Food, colors, what Delmar actually is physically, what Earth was, so-on-and-so-forth.

Fluttershy managed to lean up against his leg, without shaking, and laid her head against his bony thigh like a puppy.

It was cute, so Delmar did the natural thing and pet her.

That made her blush and giggle "I didn't know you liked me like that~"

Delmar paused, the gears in his head not really working. All he managed to get out was a "Eh?"

"Petting ponies is a way of affection, mainly between Minotaur's and ponies. But usually, that results in courting."

"Nope! nopenopenopenopenopenopenope! I will not shove anything in any pony anytime soon." Delmar laid her on the ground and started walking again.

Fluttershy lied, she didn't like to, but it was a way to get back at Delmar. She laughed.

Delmar sensed treachery.

"Oh...Oh you fucking bitch!"

Fluttershy laughed even harder, almost coughing.

"Y'know what, I'm going to entertain myself."

Delmar used summoning magic to pull out a bag of white powder, a board, and some plastic object. He dumped the powder onto the board, and separated it all into lines with the plastic card. He then proceeded to "whoop" and snort a line.

After he was done, he looked at the ceiling and screamed "Motherfucker bro! That shit makes me feel tickles!"

Fluttershy was slightly unnerved, watching Delmar's eyes start darting around all crazy. He started rambling about how ready he was then started literally bouncing off the walls.

Whatever that stuff was, Fluttershy surmised it was not safe.

However, Delmar thought otherwise, and quickly brought all the things he summoned to Fluttershy.

"Dear Fluttershy! Oh my sweet little Fluttershy!! Come dance in the meadows with me! It's so wonderful, I could almost cry!" He shoved the board and powder in Fluttershy's face.

"U-u-u-um...Delmar...what is this?" She pointed at the stuff.

"The guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuud shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!~ Called cocaine."

"C...cocaine? Is it safe?"

"For me yeah, yeah! It's totally totes man! I feel like I should take my jacket off!" Delmar took an entire layer of bone tissue off.

Fluttershy wanted to vomit.

"C'mon daaaaaaarrrling~ Take a good 'ol sniff!" Delmar handed to board to Fluttershy.

She was conflicted, to snort or not to snort, that is the question of old.

Delmar never said it was unsafe, or was safe. Fluttershy was never one to turn a friend down. Considering all the possible harms, and all the possible outcomes, she took a snort of a smaller line.

Fluttershy was fucked.

Maybe, just maybe it was a possibility to not take any more snorts of the bag of cocaine. But Fluttershy was hooked, and Delmar was just encouraging her.

It was a duo of crack-induced blabbering about random shit.

"Maybe we can make the animals wings! We can take their skin off and turn it into wings! Yeah, yeah! What do you say Delmar!?"

"Sounds good, and maybe we can give them extra legs from the dead ones!"

They both started laughing.

"We can make a Frankenstein!" Delmar laughed even harder, making Fluttershy laugh.

It was horrifying.

"Hey! Hey Delmar! HEY! Want to see a magic trick!?"

Delmar stared at her, in odd amazement.

"You know the magics of old!? Has the fucking fish been talking again!?"

Fluttershy giggled as she took her hoof and placed it...somewhere. It was gone. What the fuck.

"What the fuck!? How'd you do that!" Delmar pointed at her invisible hoof.

"It's in my pocket!"

Pocket?

"A pocket? Like as in chang-a-ling? I didn't know ponies had pockets!"

Fluttershy responded with one sentence that made Delmar puke.

"Only the mares have pockets!"

Delmar had enough, Fluttershy was on the deep end. He took his finger and shoved it up into his skull to purge his brain of unwanted cocaine.

Usually to a normal person, that never works, but Delmar is death, so fuck you this shit isn't normal.

Fluttershy giggled at the display as she took her hoof from her "pocket" and waved it in Delmar's face.

"Look looklooklooklooklook! It has been juiced! Is it cranberry! Or is it poison!?" Fluttershy stared questioningly at the hoof, now covered in "juices" as Fluttershy described.

"Ok this innuendo is bugging the hell out of me, Fluttershy c'mere."

Fluttershy hopped like Pinkie over to Delmar, who then proceeded to poke her head then she passed out.

"Fucking wack-job that was, never giving a pony cocaine again."

Fluttershy sprang back to life like a dead motor gone super mutant. Seriously watch Frankenstein.

She then started screaming in Delmar's face.

"There is no afterlife, all that horseshit was a fucking lie! There is just darkness and loneliness! You're not here! You're a simulation, we are run by the governments that protect us from total anarchy! We are doomed!"

She grabbed Delmar's face and shook it violently.

"We are nothing but fucking cogs in the governments mind control machine..." She got nose to muzzle with Delmar "...we are nothing! Just manifestations of reality that bend to the currents of time and space... we are dead."

She caressed Delmar's skull, making him very uncomfortable.

"It's ok little one, we don't need to be here anymore... we have many ways to leave the influence of reality... let's return to that darkness... together!"

Fluttershy brought a knife out of nowhere and tried to stab Delmar.

Of course that didn't works as it only went through not causing harm to Delmar anyway, he's already fucking dead.

So, he flicked Fluttershy's head as she passed out again. Delmar making sure his magic was strong enough to sedate her.

Now, he had to wait until the Princesses released him from his irksome confinement.

Six hours, and Fluttershy had to be sedated three more times. It was at this point Delmar thought he would need to break out and find the Princesses himself. But as he thought that, the magical barrier withdrew, and the doors opened.

Luna stood there, along with the rest of the Elements.

"We have come here to retrieve miss..." Luna paused as she looked at the sedated pony, the board, bag of crack, and plastic card are all scattered all over the place.

"What...what did you do?"

"I had fun that's what." Delmar responded nonchalantly.

"Why is she under the influence of numbing magic?"

"She tried to bang her head against the wall trying to get the voices out, causing her head to bleed naturally."

Fluttershy jolted up.

"I'm innocent!"

She passed out again.

All the ponies stared at Fluttershy, then at Delmar, who only said "What?"

"What did you do to Fluttershy you bastard!" Rainbow Dash flew from behind the group and proceeded to fly towards Delmar, intending on crushing him with force.

Right before impact, Delmar smacked Rainbow's face with the bag of leftover crack, causing her to fly into the wall and pass out.

Now two were under the influence of the crack lord.

Rainbow sat back up, just staring as her nose started to bleed.

She began to speak in a weird accent and a language nobody has ever heard.

"Placere Deus, et dimissis peccatis meis sicut cadere in altius damnatio." She passes out again.

"What the fuck Delmar!?" Luna was the one yelling now.

Clearly Delmar is in quite a pickle. Wonder how he will handle this.

Like Delmar of course.

He throws the bag into the air and blasts a magic missile at it, causing the crack to become a cloud. It falls on all the ponies present.

It was entertaining to Delmar, not so much for Luna.

"See you bitch!" He vanishes in a puff of smoke as all the ponies start having a crack-meltdown.

Celestia was having her favorite tea before bedtime. Old Maple Green, her most prized brew. It started out bitter, but settled into a nice, calm, sweet aftertaste. She was at peace for the moment. Day Court has ended, her mind was at peace knowing Delmar accepted his punishment.

What did keep her aware of things was the fact Fluttershy was with him. But she was a smart pony right? She wouldn't do anything that could harm herself.

Right?

Maybe it was just Celestia, maybe. She worries a lot. But she was confident in Fluttershy's abiliti-

A crash near the kitchen doors set Celestia's mind into awareness. She looked blankly at the door as it was ripped off it's hinges. Fluttershy walked through.

"Hello dear Fluttershy, why did you rip my door-"

"I'm. Hungry. Mother."

Fluttershy rushed Celestia, getting so close to her face that Celestia can make out the details of her irisi's.

"Feed. Me. Pickles."

Celestia floated a jar of pickles to Fluttershy, said pony took the jar and smashed it onto the ground, eating the pickles like an animal.

It dawned on Celestia as she looked at Fluttershy's nose.

"I'm going to kill Delmar..."

Just then, Luna floated in.

"Sister, I appear to be under the influence of some type of drug. It hurts but feels good at the same time. Maybe it's time you cleanse me, Fluttershy, and the rest of her friends?"

He got them too? Celestia wondered.

On cue, the entire gang of Elements rolled in like a giant ball. All fighting over... a stuffed onion toy.

Celestia's migraine was back, and her tea was empty.

She uttered, to herself of course, something she wanted to scream.

"Fuck you Delmar..."

Author's Note

If I can like, maybe eat jelly while under the influence of weed. Does it taste different? I never noticed, but I can tolerate it better.

I dunno, it's a thought.

Also, sorry for the late update, we had a bad storm up North. Shit got spoopy for a few hours.

Death Accidentally Snorts Acid

Author's Note

Holidays suck.

I know this chapter seems short, but I needed to get something out to prove I'm still writing this story.

Updates might be a little random at times, as my internet is extremely gay fucking AT&T

Hopefully, I can find time to work on this story, thank you for understanding.

Death Accidentally Snorts Acid

Delmar was running, and running quick. Celestia had enough and her headache was not helping Delmar's situation.

Well, when you poke the snake long enough, it will bite you.

Delmar poked the Sun Snake, and she was angry.

Not only that, he also has the Elements, Princess Luna, and a very angry looking dragon on his ass.

All in all, a very interesting squad of killer ponies, and dragon.

Of course, being Delmar, he constantly taunted the group as he transported around them, going as far as to punch Celestia's snoot, and slap Luna's face. With a pie mind you, not his actual hand.

Either way Luna was pissed.

Now, presently, at this very moment, Delmar was stuck between walls. On one end was two very angry princesses, and on the other was a group of really angry ponies, and another princess technically.

So make that three.

Delmar had a plan, well half of one, for the other half he would need a spoon. And fire.

He summoned a spoon, and taunted Celestia.

"Hey Celestia! I ate all your cheesecake yesterday!"

The reaction was expected, as a flaming ball of fire was hurled in his direction.

It missed of course.

But the heat was enough to make the spoon hot, and Delmar summoned a bottle full of liquid. A very weird looking bottle.

A colorful one, and smelled of peppermint.

He poured it in the spoon's dip, watching it bubble in half a second.

However, Delmar was in tunnel vision mode, and didn't see Pinkie Pie pull out her cannon, which literally shot a blunder of confetti that knocked Delmar on his ass. And sent the spoon flying.

Which landed on Delmar's face. It was hot. It stung. It was in his nose.

"Ah hell!" Delmar screamed.

All the ponies stopped, and watched Delmar writhe in pain. His bony hands scratching the bone of his face, making marks appear.

All at once, there was a snort.

Delmar coughed.

In another dimension, or reality, God gasped as he felt a great disturbance. God for once felt genuinely scared.

Death was now trippin'.

Celestia watched Delmar collapse in a heap. The liquid on his face soon dripping into his nose making him cough on instinct. Delmar's magic was seeping out of him uncontrollably, making Delmar groan.

"Uh oh... Maybe we should call somepony?" Luna looked on with a small smile on her face.

"Maybe... should we take him to the room again?" Celestia didn't have a smirk, instead a disappointing glare.

"Ah say we wait 'till he wakes up, then pummel the varmint in the face like we should'a." Applejack said with a cracking hoof. It works trust me.

"Yeah! He literally got us drugged not to long ago! We should pay him back with a good 'ol beating!" Rainbow landed next to Applejack and gave Celestia a determined look.

Pinkie was stuffing her cannon again with another confetti shot who gave a "Me three!" response.

Fluttershy, Rarity, and Twilight stayed silent.

"Well, to be honest, violence is no way to go for... y'know... Death." Fluttershy said softly.

"Oh yeah..." Rainbow and Applejack both said in unison, both equally disappointed.

"Now girls, I know you have hard feelings against Delmar right now. But that is no way to go for a god, because I would rather not die today." Twilight said sarcastically.

Even though in the back of her mind she knew Delmar could easily mop the floor with her.

"Sister, we should get him out of here, he needs to wake up in a secure room... again." Luna said with slight urgency.

Because the attention they were getting was becoming more apparent in the broad daylight.

"You're right, we should take him back." Celestia gave a nod to the Elements, who backed away fro Celestia to take Delmar.

Only she couldn't, no matter how much magic she poured into it.

"What? I can't lift him. Lulu you try."

Luna also tried to lift Delmar, same result.

"Twilight?"

Nope, not even a budge.

Even all three couldn't move him.

"What? We moved him easily last time! Why can't we move him now?" Luna complained.

"He didn't gain weight did he?" Rarity poked Delmar's sides.

"No, he's dead. He can't gain weight." Twilight gave a deadpan stare.

"It's his loose magic, it's blocking ours like if we were foals." Luna pointed at the black fog forming around Delmar.

Celestia sighed, she didn't want to do this, but she had no other choice.

"Luna... Get Discord here..."

Discord, the Lord of Chaos, was tending his garden. He liked to grow flaming peaches as a pastime. Although hanging around Fluttershy was fun enough, he knew she needed her own time.

He was bored though.

That was cured as a blue alicorn just busted his mind open and didn't even knock.

"Well Luna! To whom do I owe the pleasure!? Maybe knock next time!" Discord snapped at the alicorn.

"Shut up Discord, we need your help."

"Help? What kind of help?"

"We can't move Delmar."

Delmar? A pony perhaps?

Discord ran a check on her memories.

Death? As in the Death? Passed out on Celestia's front lawn? Oh how humiliating!

"So, the Great Alicorn Sisters are having trouble moving a body. How hilarious! Is he fat? Oh no wait don't tell me! You both have gotten fatter making you both sluggish!" Discord poked Luna's sides.

She slapped his claws away.

"Delmar's magic is seeping out of him, causing our magic to be negated. We can't move him, and if we don't he could wake up and start causing problems."

"Have you tried to communicate with him using you're... Dream Realm you call it?"

She hadn't thought of that.

"Oh... I guess it wouldn't hurt. Might be able to snap him out of it. Either way you need to get him out of the public eye, follow my sister to his... dungeon I guess."

"Can't I just blast him in there? Like a bug going a kjillion miles per hour with no regards for safety?" Discord laughed as he readied his claw to snap his magic.

"No! We can't do that! Keep it quiet while I talk to Delmar." Luna vanished after that, leaving Discord's mind.

"Fiiine... You always have to suck the joy out of everything..." Discord also left his own mind, following Luna's directions to Celestia.

Meanwhile in Delmar's magical, drugged brain.

Luna was wrong about coming here, she couldn't make heads or tails of Delmar's mind now.

It wasn't dark, or quiet.

It was loud and she almost had epilepsy from all the colors that were bouncing around.

Luna also swore she saw a bunny with a basket hoping around.

After seemingly forever, Luna finally came upon Delmar, splayed out and staring into the purple sun in his... messed up mind.

"Delmar?" Luna called out.

No response.

"Delmar? Helllo?" Luna waved a hoof in front of the fucked skeletal giant.

"Hey, did you ever wonder why the sun looks so much like a grape?"

Luna didn't know what to say, the random response was almost frightening her.

Suddenly, Delmar literally snatched the sun from the sky and ate it, breathing out purple fire.

Luna was shocked, but the sky was still lit despite Death literally eating it.

"Ah, that's a good grape. Juicy and crunchy..." Delmar sunk back into the ground, and continued staring.

Luna had no clue what to do.

Discord was laughing his ass off.

He finally reached where Celestia and the rest were, finding Delmar face down and seeping magic was hilarious.

However, what wasn't funny was how much magic Discord had to use just to move Delmar from the public eye. It took him several attempts of invisibility to make Delmar vanish, and even more magic spent on hiding himself. Even once they reached the castle, Discord was already heaving and whining about how tired he was.

Once they laid him down in his little "room", they waited for Luna to come back out.

"Maybe she ran into trouble? We don't know exactly what is happening in his mind." Rainbow first suggested.

"Oh! Maybe there's m-m-monsters..." Fluttershy shakily added.

"Ah bet'n she found Delmar and she be right beatin' him now." Applejack said with a smirk.

"Girls, we have no idea what's happening. But all of those are plausible in this... situation." Twilight stayed silent after that.

Little did they know, Luna was having the worst time of her life in Delmar's mind.

"No Delmar! Don't eat the children!"

To late.

The children exploded into pink confetti. Delmar was way to happy to see them explode as he was eating them.

What was creepy was they were also smiling as they were being devoured.

"Hey look!" Delmar grabbed Luna, and shook her gently. He pointed at the ground, and a flower appeared from nowhere.

It bloomed suddenly, and squirted out a foul stench that drenched Luna like a rain shower.

It smelt sour, and was so potent you can almost taste it. It was like trying to inhale magnesium citrate. Only it would make you shit pure water that felt like flames.

Not that I would know mind you.

"Delmar! Stop it this instance! I can't comprehend whats happening!"

"Think faster dummy!" Delmar threw a ball of meat at her head, which melted into water.

Luna couldn't take much more of this, Delmar needed to be stopped.

Naturally, Luna did what she needed to in a chaotic dream that had no seemingly peaceful end, so she decided to use magic.

Only her magic wasn't working, no matter how much she tried.

"Uh oh..." Luna said softly with a small hitch in her voice.

Delmar was riding a boar that had it's tail on fire, and the sky was following him somehow.

Luna was about to have a meltdown.

"She isn't coming out." Discord abruptly said, smashing the ice with a meat cleaver.

"Well obviously! It's been like thirty-minutes!" Rainbow yelled at Discord, not because she wanted to, but because she needed to.

Everybody was in a small fit about what to do, even Celestia looked stressed.

"Maybe... we can send in a recovery team? I know how to get into dreams easily." Because Celestia did it for a little over a thousand years.

"Can you bring us back out?" Discord asked with a raised eyebrow.

"With Delmar? I have no clue." Celestia placed a hoof on her head.

Twilight bit the inside of her cheek, coming up with a small, completely insane, idea.

"We can... force our way in his head..."

Everybody turned to Twilight, said pony was now feeling very self-conscious.

Celestia looked at Twilight quizzically "And how do you suggest we do such a thing? It's going to require a massive reserve of magic, and even then we only have us." Gesturing to Discord, Celestia, Twilight, and Rarity.

Twilight thought about a spell, not a ethical one, but one that could help their small issue.

"I... know a spell that can pierce any one beings mind for a short time. It will be able to send one of us into the mind of another as magical energy."

Celestia looked at Twilight blankly, as did everybody else other than Discord. Discord looked at her with a deadpan stare, as if he already thought of that.

"Alright Twilight, I trust your magic skills. But please, be careful." Celestia nodded to Twilight in affirmation.

Twilight sighed and breathed in hard. Concentrating energy to her horn, and towards Delmar's mind.

The magic worked smoothly, and easily opened a gate to his dream.

Twilight looked at the group "The spell will only allow one to enter, so I will go and fetch Luna. If I don't come out in about ten-minuets, use a teleportation spell to retrieve me back here from this gate." She looked mainly at Celestia, but Discord was also paying attention.

Twilight entered, and the gate shrunk to a pea sized anomaly.

Twilight had no clue what she was about to enter into.

Death Utilizes WMD's

Luna was about to puke.

Somehow, SOMEWAY, Delmar managed to get a hold on some highly reactive magical artifacts and eat them.

He was also spitting them out, and destroying entire make believe civilizations with them. Also, he brought some of his own weapons he imagined that he called "nukes" and started riding them around planets and random objects.

She was about to give up at this point. Game over. Retire from life and turn in dignity.

Of course, Delmar interrupted her self loathing by slapping her face then giving her a bony kiss that made her feel extremely uncomfortable. It felt like soft gravel.

Luna wiped her face and disinfected it. Not that she needed to but it made her feel more clean. With Delmar acting the way he is now, she couldn't take chances.

She blinked. Her surroundings changed all of a sudden. It was a tundra with a city in the distance. It had a gloomy atmosphere and smelt if mud. Luna walked toward the city, noticing a sign with a name on it.

"Moscow?" It was a strange name, not familiar to her. She suspected it was from Delmar's realm. Then the words blurred and disappeared. She couldn't process it, so she continued onward.

She entered the city, and found nothing living. There were no ponies... Or anything. Not even birds.

She felt so completely alone, comparable to being on the moon almost. She called out.

"Delmar!? Delmar where are you!? Anypony!?" She only heard her voice in the emptiness.

The ground shook.

She froze, and felt the ground shake again.

Luna frantically looked around and saw something in the distance. It was a blurry line of... creatures?

She squinted, and saw bears running on two legs with Delmar riding in front holding a massive scythe in one hand, a pickle hammer in the other, and strapped to his back was a red flag with a yellow hammer a sickle.

"Um..." is all she could say before something whizzed by her head.

She quickly slunked behind a fallen building and looked behind her. Another line of creatures... Or a line of what looked like hot-dogs carrying even stranger weapons.

She knew something was going down, and she couldn't escape. Hee magic was negated, she can't fly due to not knowing where to go, and she is right in the middle of the lines.

"I'm scared..."

Twilight ended up in some conference room with what looked like humans that was in Delmar's memories. Except these humans were bulky, muscular, and loud. One of them had several cheeseburgers and had a suit with a flag on it with stars and stripes.

She was sitting in a chair, and doesn't remember when she was in one.

"Gentlemen," The leader of the group with a very nice hair cut and an inspiring accent started, "we are in grave danger from the communist. Our freedom, our very way of life is at risk. They plan to attack us with force and aggression. We must stop their advance before this decade is out or we fall into a freedom-less world."

Everybody looked at Twilight. She suddenly became self conscious.

"General, we ask that you strike the Soviet Bears with our Bureaucrat Bombs?"

Twilight blinked, and she was suddenly on the front lines of some major battle. It was loud and she couldn't see with all the dirt and snow blowing around.

When she did manage to look around she could see men in expensive suits shooting bills out of bill and tax cannons. A Bureaucrat "soldier" came up to her and pulled her into a trench.

"THESE GOATS AND POTATO FIENDS ARE VERY HARD TO BEAT! OUR DOUBLE B BOMBS AIN'T DOING SHIT!"

She looked over the trench to see, and saw exactly what the man described.

She was scared...

Luna had no clue how to get out. She couldn't move without being completely annihilated.

Delmar wasn't helping, his scythe was flinging rainbows while the pickle hammer was shooting flaming mushrooms that exploded into condoms.

The lines met and chaos of epic portions started tearing the world asunder.

Luna held her tail, rocking back and forth. When from above her, Twilight landed on her.

"Twilight? What's happening! I can't think with all this chaos!"

Twilight looked at her on confusion.

"WHAT!?"

Delmar approached. Riding a potato bear.

"ONWARD COMRADS! WE MUST FIGHT FOR MOTHER RUSSIA! TO ALL AND ALL TO ME!"

A synchronized cry of war responded across the tundra. A literal fleet of men with no faces wielding black bananas and guns of cocaine stormed the battlefield.

The line of hit dogs and enemy potatoes rushed forward with their own cry.

"FOR MOTHER RUSSIA! FOR UNCLE SAM! FOR MY FUCKING POP TARTS!"

"UUURHAAA!"

Twilight thought that this was a good time to leave. So she tugged Luna and basically shoved her in a bag. Twilight was about to leave, when Delmar flicked her horn away, which exploded in the distance.

"Hey. Twilight, hey. Hey. Guess what?"

Twilight didn't say anything, just stared in disbelief at Delmar.

"I punched Celestia in the snoot just now."

Meanwhile

Celestia was staring at the anomaly, crossing her metaphorical fingers in hope that Twilight found Luna. She was getting anxious and the ten minutes was almost up. But for some reason it feels longer but we'll ignore that.

All at once, a force pummled Celestia's face, now her muzzle was starting to hurt.

"Ow! What... what hit me?" Celestia rubbed her muzzle.

Discord was filing his claws and nonchalantly answered:

"Delmar's magic is still affecting the real world meaning he can still do harm to any one if us as per example of your face being manipulated by cosmic energy."

All present in the room looked at him with questionable looks.

Discord didn't even look up.

"I thought we all knew I'm not stupid, you jerks."

Celestia just sighed heavily and continued to stare at the anomaly.

Only two minutes left...

Delmar was throwing rocks at Luna butt.

The scenery changed back to nothingness, probably due to the fact that Delmar was slowly coming down from his high.

But he still has it.

"Delmar, sweetie, can you please release us from this irksome confinement?" Luna asked as sweetly as possible.

By the way, Twilight has her horn back, but neither Luna nor Twilight can use magic.

Because Delmar's own magic was now trying to un-fuck itself, errecting a magical barrier to prevent outside manipulation.

They couldn't escape.

"No, I want to see it jiggle more. Plus it makes a good target for a target."

Delmar threw a pebble.

"Delmar, you're not making sense."

Another pebble.

"Making sense is a limitation, we should all be confusing now and then."

A piece of metal.

"Gee, you and Discord would get along infamously..." Twilight said sarcastically.

Delmar, for some reason, got angry.

He threw a nuke at Luna's posterior.

Everybody quickly glanced at the anomaly when smoke began bellowing out of it, making it grow.

"Um... is it supposed to do that?" Rainbow asked as she flew around to make sure it wasn't from the ground.

"No... But my chaos sense is tingling." Discord sneered.

Celestia had no choice, she had to do it now.

"Discord... retrieve them please..."

"Would it hurt you to sound a little happy? Jeeze the things I do for you people..." Discord complained as he entered the anomaly.

God was screaming stop, but Fate said 'Fuck man I don't know, might be funny.'

Upon arrival, Discord could immediately sense the amount of magic.

It dwarfed his by a thousand.

But it was so random, the barrier holding the two princesses was all he could bring manipulate.

Meaning Delmar would have to contend with himself.

Sighing, he drifted to the magical signatures that resembled Twilight and Luna.

He took a moment to browse the knowledge Delmar left lying around. Most of it was boring, but a little was intriguing.

Apparently, Delmar had never owned a pet before. But oddly, he made a few pets for his advisors.

Generosity? No, they were literal time bombs he used as pranks. It was a foul prank even for Discord.

Another interesting fact, Delmar was one of 13 different 'High Council' members. He was also one of the most powerful beings in existence. Not surprising given his title, but very hilarious in the circumstance Delmar was in.

When he finally stopped snooping, Discord found the group in a good sized void in the magical field. They were just sitting.

When he approached, Discord finally got a good look at Delmar.

"Well, a pleasure to meet you Lord of Death, my name is Discord. I am the Spirit of Choas." Discord smiled and extended a claw.

Delmar, glanced at Discord. And sniffed.

Delmar frowned.

He threw several nukes.

"Well, evidently darling he must be punished. He has caused several problems today." Rarity insisted.

"What would be fitting? To the literal God of Death, good Rarity?"

Celestia and Rarity were discussing a punishment fitting for Delmar.

But coming up short simply because he's a god.

"Hey...um...guys..." Fluttershy was watching the anomaly grow an intense red.

"Well, simply put an anti-magic barrier around him constantly, like a ball." Rarity suggested.

"That's ludicrous, that would require a strong enough mage to keep that barrier up. Its also a very time consuming procedure." Celestia retorted.

The anomaly was growing in size now, and heat began to expel from its edges.

"Guys..." Fluttershy repeated louder.

Rainbow, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie went out for food.

"What do you suggest then? He can't be put in stone! He would simply faze out if it!"

"The Elements? They could do-..."

"Guys!" Flutyershy yelled loudly, getting both of their attentions.

It was to late, however. The anomaly was now double the size of Celestia, and the heat was rushing forth.

Fluttershy quickly got out of the way, while Rarity and Celestia put up a magical barrier.

A second more, and they would be scorched.

A great wind and flame busted from the anomaly, and a defining noise rocked the castle.

Discord, Twilight, and Luna were smushed against the barrier, with Discord protecting them both with his own barrier.

All within seven seconds.

Celestia dropped her barrier, causing Twilight and Luna to fall flat on the ground.

Discord grogily hovered in air.

"Discord... what happened?" Celestia asked softly.

Discord rubbed his back.

"Well... turns out Delmar knows some pretty advanced magic. He also knows great technology. Now, combine those two in a ball, now that ball is what just happened." He laid down.

The anomaly disappeared, and not long after, Delmar stirred.

Delmar sat up, and looked at all the burn marks and tapestries currently on fire.

"...Holy shit I'm in California."

Author's Note

Hey.

Death Gets Real (Pt.1)

Being restrained is annoying, to say the least. Delmar wasn't complaining, in fact he was enjoying teasing Celestia about how jiggly Luna's butt was.

After the explosion in the throne room, Celestia had Delmar magically negated using a special crystal that Discord made. It would only hold Delmar for a day but it was a day of freedom.

So now Delmar was wandering, having his magic restrained while the feeling of irritation stirred his brew if insults. Being taken away from magic tends to do that to people.

He already called Celestia an oversized plush doll with no functionality, whatever it meant went over Celestia's head.

Delmar was still laughing.

He was let out into the city, being forced away from the castle like some rabid dog.

That's ok, he'll just entertain himself by bothering other ponies. Maybe even start an imperial revolution. Those were always so much fun.

Grrrr.

"Shit... I need to eat. Forgot that."

He basically became mortal when his magic is taken away. So, he naturally needs to eat. And shit. And piss.

And reproduce.

"Nah that's a lie, I wouldn't stick a boner in a horse. Plus my magic can explode this null gem into nothing."

Not that he still didn't have his godly status, he simply can't use any physical magic. But he can still use mental magic.

So, now he was out and about. Specifically looking for some restaurant or a food stand.

He passed several stores, and a gym surprisingly. Odd that ponies use weights like that.

One was a bar, but deciding he didn't want to start the day with a morning brawl, he passed it.

He came across one that ringed a bell to him.

"Donut Joe's Huh? Sounds basic but I like it." Delmar entered with swiftness, ignoring the fact the ponies around are staring at him.

He actually never went public about himself.

Once he entered the establishment, ponies stopped with their conversations and stared at him. Looks if confusion and terror plain on their faces.

Not that Delmar cared because he was hungry for some baked goods.

He looked about the ponies, finding one that screamed "baker" behind the counter, looking like he was about to piss himself.

Delmar casually walked up.

"Hey, you the baker here?"

The pony just nodded in terror.

Delmar was already sick if it.

"Ok I get it, I'm a giant walking skeleton with the power to eradicate half the universe. But right now I want some fucking donuts. Chocolate please, oh and sprinkles."

The pony hesitated, but he eventually whipped up the order with no problem.

The pony came back with a silver platter, as if he was presenting the dish to royalty.

"What's with the silver dude? I just want some donuts."

The pony was sweating. "W-well since there are true rumors about you, k-kind sir, we figured it would be best to present you the fin-"

Delmar groaned. "Look Donut Joe, or whoever you are, I'm just a divine being with a craving for some fucking donuts. You don't need to put the thing on a silver platter to impress me. I'm more keen on the donut than the fucking presentation."

Delmar was harsh, he'll admit. But the message was clear to Joe. So, he simply put the platter down and revealed two, delicious donuts.

Delmar was ready to devour them. But was mindful about the ponies watching. So he did his best to savour it.

Each bite was heavenly, the soft crust with the inside fluffy and the chocolate frosting just warm enough to make anybody cry in joy.

Not Delmar, he didn't have tear ducts. Or magic to make himself cry.

Once finished, which took about ten minutes of slow eating, Delmar put a gold ingot on the counter.

"Consider this as payment. That was the best pair of donuts I had in centuries."

Joe just stared at the ingot as Delmar got up and left the building, leaving behind a group of speechless ponies.

He continued wandering, getting fearful glances every now and then.

"Why fear death when life is the one who tortures you..." Delmar whispered. He didn't mean it of course, he was just irritated.

A bird flew past his head, almost hitting his skull.

Hey! Watch where you're going buster!

The bird turned around, and seemed to glare at Delmar.

Excuse me? I have to be with my children soon! I need to feed them.

Delmar frowned.

Well still, be careful. You wouldn't want to be my dinner now would you?

You wouldn't!

I would. Mmmm, tasty fried bird.

The bird took off without another comment.

Delmar was harsh, and he felt bad for the bird.

He sighed and continued on his walk for the rest of the day.

It was sunset, and the lightbugs were having a party around Delmar.

After a while, Delmar found himself in the royal gardens. Not a single pony in sight, just some animals who greeted him and who begged to be petted. Delmar obliged of course.

But for a minute, he could've sworn he was hearing weeping. But it vanished a while ago.

He continued to play with some rabbits when all the animals prepared to sleep for the night. So, Delmar started taking a stroll again.

Delmar was walking through some flowers, when the weeping started again. This time, Delmar could pinpoint the location.

Across the field of flowers, on a park bench, was a stallion. A young stallion. Looks like a teenager.

Teenagers can be emotional, and Delmar wasn't equipped to deal with this quite yet.

However, something in his gut told him things are off here. There was a strong presence of despair and pain.

He smelled fresh blood.

The animals still around Delmar hid into the gardens again, leaving Delmar to contend with this alone.

The lightbugs were still around though, with not a care in the world.

Delmar approached the crying stallion, giving him more detail about him.

He had a dull orange coat and a red mane. His mark was that of a rose with a fire around it, he also noticed this stallion was a unicorn. If Delmar had to guess, this stallion was probably a pyromancer.

But Delmar noticed trickles of blood from the stallions cut nose, and some on his right foreleg.

The stallion didn't even see or hear Delmar approach. But once Delmar sat on the bench next to the pony, he noticed.

Delmar wasn't in his casual wear anymore. He was in his full suit of armor, and his wings jutted out from his back like fallen spears. The black glisten of the armor spoke craftsmanship otherworldly. He simply overloaded the null gem. It's not hard, but he didn't want the wrath of sunbitch on his ass again when he was in the city.

He already learned that lesson.

Delmar had his scythe lean against the bench.

The pony looked in terror, but soon recognized the obvious symbol of the scythe and wings.

"...Are you an Angel?"

Delmar wanted to laugh, but held himself back. He wasn't an angel, but he wasn't a demon either.

"No child, I'm not an angel. I'm not a demon either. You could say I'm like the oppisate of life. A different entity."

The pony stared at Delmar. "Y-you're death? Like... THEE Death?"

Delmar chuckled. "I thought it was obvious."

The pony also chuckled. "Yeah... I guess it was."

A silence grew, leaving only the sound of the fireflies fluttering around.

The moon was almost out.

"What happened child? Why are you bloodied like that?" Delmar questioned.

The stallion flinched. "I...I was at the end of a relationship. I don't even know why it happened."

The stallion looked at Delmar, then looked down in further dread.

"It started crumbling a week ago, when I was sued for accidentally breaking a nobles "heirloom" she was taking to an appraiser. I lost the case, and I was legal age to be sued. A day after that my father died from a heart attack... then my mother left for a different stallion, leaving me to live with my then marefriend. Who's mother didn't take kindly to me intruding on her daughters life like that. After a few days of this, she forced us to break up, and my marefreind believed her mother when she said how poor and unintelligent my family was, leaving me here..."

The stallion gestured to his bloodied self.

"Her brother did these, and no I could do nothing because he blocked my horn with a magic null barrier. I was weak..." He was about to cry again.

Delmar waited patiently.

"She said she wouldn't be with me...and found a new stallion anyway... A day before all this happened...I was planning on just ending it all tonight..."

Delmar looked at the sky, the moon was full. Painting the ground in a heavenly light that cradled the landscape.

The fireflies rested on Delmar's armor, making his armor look like it was made of stars.

"How old are you?" Delmar asked.

The pony looked at Delmar.

"What does that have to do with anything I said. What importance is that to me!?"

Delmar shushed him, and glared back.

"You're young. You don't even look or sound twenty yet. Your face is acne filled and your horn isn't fully grown yet. Your coat of fur is bland and not a mature ponies bright and vibrent color."

The young stallion looked almost offended, but Delmar already had another question lined up.

"What is the lifespan of your species?"

The unicorn continued to look confused and angry, but huffed and answered.

"Unicorns live longer than any pegasus, but not as long as earth ponies. We live about eighty years. I'm eighteen."

Delmar put a bony hand to his bony chin.

"So, this all happened in a week? And your not even twenty yet?"

The stallion nodded.

"One last question. Before you wanted to kill yourself, what did you want to be when you grew up?"

"The next Archmage, although that's unlikely ever going to happen now..."

Delmar smiled, then sighed.
"Listen..."

The stallion looked bregrugently at Delmar.

"You may think your at the end of your rope, and feel nothing but doubt. But you have sixty plus some years ahead of you. Do you really want to throw your life away like this? What about your father? Did he want you to die like his legacy meant nothing?"

"Well..."

"What about that ex of yours. If she had any feelings for your true self, she would have stuck around. But the way I see it, is that she doesn't deserve you. She doesn't deserve your warmth next to her at night, or your smile, or your hugs, or your flaming passion. She instead took her mother's side."

"But..."

"And what was that about becoming an Archmage? Do you think you can accomplish such a great feat while dead? Do you think you can be great and powerful from the afterlife? Your a soul, not an entity kiddo."

The stallion just stared in disbelief.

Delmar sighed, and put a hand on the ponies shoulder.

"Take my advice, and don't you dare neglect it. Start eating right, make your insides feel good. Start going to a gym, I saw one next to Donut Joe's earlier, get at least a good two hours of exercising. Feel good, and look good. Then practice your magic everyday. I see potential in you, so don't throw your life away like it's something you can restart. You only get one life, don't waste it."

The stallion looked at Delmar with surprise, then smiled weakly.

"I guess I have to uphold your expectations then."

Delmar nodded, then whispered.

"If you deviate from this path, I'll send Princess Luna after you. She's relentless."

They both chuckled.

Delmar looked at the small stallion, visibly more happy. And more at ease.

"What's your name, child?"

The stallion looked at Delmar with surprise.

"Oh jeeze, I never gave you a name! My name is Flame Flower."

"My name is Delmar, Lord of Death."

For the first time in several millennia, Delmar shook hands with a living being.

And it was a fuzzy unicorn.

A flutter behind Delmar took his attention away, and saw the bird from earlier in a tree.

It was with its family, three chicks and another bird. All of them had the same shade of blue.

Delmar used some magic to grow flowers around their nest, hoping they would appreciate the gesture.

Happy tweets soon followed after.

Author's Note

Sup.

Death Gets a Call and Discord is a Dick

"So... no sugar?"

Delmar was making tea. Trying to anyway.

It is his form of an apology to Celestia by breaking her restraint. It caused her to pass out during evening session day court the day previous.

It was funny when Luna found him in the gardens after helping the kid out. Her face was priceless.

A very angry and subtly murderous face. He already explained he could've broken out of the restraints at any given time, but he was playing fair at the time.

So now here he was, the morning after, brewing tea. He still didn't get an answer from Celestia.

"Hey, Sunblock, sugar or no?"

She was twitching her eye and trying to ignore Delmar. Her efforts are futile of course. This is Delmar.

"...If you don't answer I'll finish off the last piece of double-stack fudge cake you hid in your rooms fridge..."

She crumbled like a leaning sand castle.

"No! Not that! Anything but that!"

She gripped his arm, and it kinda hurt a little bit.

"...Three cubes...please." Celestia has surrendered.

"Was that so fucking hard?"

Celestia got her tea, and sat back down. Delmar had his tea, and sat across from Celestia.

There was a silence. It was kinda deafening, except the occasional slurp from Delmar. Celestia sipped.

Then, for some reason, Delmar did one mighty suck and all the tea was gone.

He stood, and stared Celestia in the eye.

"I already ate your fucking cake."

The dining room exploded in angry fire.

After a very interesting breakfast, and having to make Celestia a brand new cake, Delmar was free.

It was strange, not having anything to do. He never had any real down time.

Sure, he was on a vacation, but it was eventful. There was no real down time.

So he's roaming the halls, admiring the architectural achievement of the ponies. It was quite impressive how they managed to lay marble and gold together without it clashing the eye.

Most likely magic. It was still impressive.

Delmar turned to his room, y'know the one that looked like a cell.

He converted it a while ago. It was more to his standards to what he was used to back home in Limbo.

The walls were darkened wood, baubles of triangle artifacts lined the ceiling of his room, and the bed. Oh god the bed.

Darkwood with still water varnish and the finest silk bedding to ever exist. The mattress was softer than clouds. Because ectoplasm actually makes a great cloth.

Delmar splayed across the bed, his back sinking softly into the bliss of the mattress.

He slowly drifted off into sleep.

...

For about five minutes.

His arm began vibrating, and a tone in a high pitch came from the rune, which was glowing orange.

He touched the rune, and Silica's head appeared in a orange spectral form. Kinda like a hologram from Star Wars except better quality.

"Delmar? What the fuck! I was trying to call you for weeks! We have a problem!"

Delmar mentally dreaded himself for the onslaught of a shitstorm he's preparing to listen to.

"First of all, I had no indication of you calling me until now. Must be due to the dimension-hop. Second, talk nicer to me next time. Don't be such a bi-"

"Finish that sentence and I will burn your Johnny Cash album." Silica harshly interjected.

"...You always gotta suck the joy out of everything don't you..." Delmar mumbled.

"I don't care, we have a problem! Do you remember that asshole that was imprisoned in Hell's 9th circle?"

Delmar had to remember, it was a long time ago. Actually on his first year appointed as a God of Death.

It was a void, nothing.

Sound was mute, scent was snuffed, and sight was blinded.

It was peaceful.

Then a fucktard of a rock on the ground that broke my fucking nose.

"Ah shit..." I reacted to the stinging sensation.

I had no form, what was I?

I could be anything. A star, a mist, or even a atom. Or a donut, that's something right?

What is a donut? Sounds like something you eat.

"Greatings heir. You have finally come."

I looked to the voice, and before me was the Traitor.

He rebelled against peace, harmony, order.

Life itself.

He was Lucifer, and he was the one extending his traitorous appendage to me. He was trying to convert me.

"No, foul demon! Decet and lies! You, the Traitor! Be gone from me, before you are slain!"

He laughed, but a great light vanquished is astral form. It wasn't him.

A gentler hand came from the shadows with a sleeve of white silk. Extended to me, as a greating?

I took it in my misty form, and 'shook' it.

"Welcome Delmar, you are the new Death. Let me show you how to run things..."

The Lord himself appointed me.

Delmar was in a blank stare, but recovered quickly.

"Oh yeah, him. Lucifer right?"

Silica nodded her head "He managed to break free of his chains! The Devil himself has ordered a COS on his soul within Hell, and the Council has agreed to aid in this hunt to bring him back to his rightful place back in the 9th."

Delmar deadpanned "A capture on sight order? Really? Why not kill on sight? This prick has caused enough problems already."

Silica bit her lip, and looked behind her them back at Delmar.

"He found a way to bridge the divide between Life and Death, immortality of choice and not force. It would change the perception of mankind. It could also destroy them."

Delmar brought his hand up to his chin in thought. This was problematic.

One the one side, if humanity had immortality they would finally bridge themselves together and look to the great cosmos the Lord has worked tirelessly to create. But, on the other, it could lead to a great imbalance in the Three Kingdoms.

Now he understands the capture order.

"Ok... I see. They want to extract that knowledge before they kill him, and I assume he's to powerful for any tracing magic or ritual?"

Silica nodded her head slowly.

Delmar pinched his nose-hole.

"Where has he escaped to?"

Silica got a worried look on her face. "That's the thing, they don't know. They are currently searching Hell and all its circles. But they believe he may have managed to escape into the Void. Meaning he could be in a dimension recently opened by magic, a space-ripple, or a time break."

Delmar went silent. He recently beamed himself to this dimension. He used the most basic form of beaming magic to. In its most pure and potent form. If Lucifer was smart, he could simply hook his magic to it and come here too. That magic lingering is basically having the front door open to a room full of extreme valuables.

Delmar forgot to close that door.

"Fucking shit... I beamed myself to another dimension. I left some magic in Limbo so I can get back. I didn't know he would escape and cock up my fucking vacation."

Silica's expression turned serious "This is bad, if he gets to Limbo and uses that magic line, he could store up enough magic to possibly wipe out both Hell and Paradise. He may even upseat Grim as Death and rule Limbo, he can consume souls! He can bring Armageddon..."

Delmar wasn't usually one to be serious, but Lucifer is bad news. He is the reason why Hell even exists.

He was so bad he needed his own realm of punishment. Imagine that.

"What do I need to do?"

Silica looked at him, then at the ground.

"...Are there inhabitants where you are located?"

Delmar nodded.

"Protect them at all cost. Lucifer can drain any form of magic. He may follow you to their dimensional rift and drain the very life from them. Delmar, you are the only hope they have...I wish you the best. I must get back, they need me to-"

The magic was cut off, and the rune went black. Delmar couldn't sense any magic flowing through it anymore.

He wasn't alone in the room, either.

"Well, well, well, mister Death."

Delmar turned around to see that Damned chaos entity.

"Discord, so the name does persist..." Delmar said slyly.

Discord chuckled "I couldn't help but hear of this little predicament you have found yourself in. Sounds like that Lucifer fellow is a real character of destruction."

Delmar ignored the thing and simply started preping a pocket dimension of spare magic.

"Oh come now my fellow God, surely you must hear my advice!"

Delmar was getting annoyed "And what, pray tell, advice can come from an entity who hasn't been around to see what Lucifer can do?"

Discord smiled "I have a solution to what may aid in your efforts to capture him. A simple spell."

Delmar wasn't listening, just trying to store magic.

"It was used on myself not to long ago, and boy, was it effective. A simple capture bubble."

Delmar stored enough magic to revive himself if things went awry with Lucifer, he was about to close the pocket dimension when Discord threw a bubble at him.

Delmar was taken back and wasn't expecting a pink bubble surrounding him and shrinking him to the size of a marble.

In shock and utter lack of cognitive thinking, Delmar just stared slacked jawed.

Discord clapped a golf clap "Oh, very well done Discord! A smart move while his magic was low! Now to just take this..."

Discord reached his hands into the slip in space and started absorbing the magic. And there was plenty if it.

"Yes! Such power! Flowing into me like water! Oooohhh I haven't felt this good since my rule over Equestria! I could rule all of Equis!"

Discord siphoned the last of the magic from the slip, and closed it. He smiled warmly at Delmar.

"My thanks good Delmar! You had some pretty powerful magic, and so I thought with my magic and your combined into me I could probably slay this Lucifer, and maybe even rule Equis! Hahahahahaha!"

And with a snap of his fingers, Discord was gone. Leaving Delmar on his pink marble screaming in anger.

Author's Note

Nimrod is a funny word to say...

Death is Stuck

Well, that was a weird turn of events.

In reality, Delmar probably should've been more careful of who was where. This just made things more complicated.

He couldn't absorb the ambiant magic anymore, the bubble prevents all magic from inside and outside from influencing each other.

Like a hamster ball.

He was the size if a grape, and was pretty much drained of all his magic.

Great, just great.

He had some left in reserves, but if he tapped into that he would disentigrate. That magic what's holding his body together.

So, don't do that.

He needed to find Celestia, or Luna. They could probably help him through this.

So, he just rolled into the castle hallway as a little marble.

Celestia closed day court today, she needed a break again. Her throne was uncomfortable, and she forgot to put on her crown this morning.

Which never happens, like at all.

But, she corrected her mistake, and had to listen to more complaints about the same things over and over again. Nobility really love the sounds of their own voice.

But right now, it was empty. The court was clear of life, except her.

It was bliss.

Grrr.

Oh for crying out loud...

Her stomach also wouldn't shut up. But it is time for lunch so why not.

As she was about to leave her throne, a peculiar noise started making itself more apparent.

A small rolling noise.

Celestia stopped moving and tried to locate the sound.

Right there, a few hoofsteps away was a little marble rolling in her direction.

She eyes it with a small amount if curiosity.

It stopped just before her hooves.

As it did, Celestia noticed a figure either the marble. In her magical grasp, she leveled it to her eyes.

Inside the marble, was Delmar. Giving her the finger.

Celestia was confused, shocked, and most if all surprised.

Delmar was in a surpression bubble.

He was trying to say something, but the bubble was preventing any sound from escaping through its magical seal.

Celestia decided it was important, as Delmar was now waving his bony hands everywhere.

She amplified her magic, and was able to hear Delmar loud and clear.

"-STUPID FUCKING BROWN SHIT EATING DRAGON REGECT LOOKING PILE OF DISEMBODIED LIMB COCK SUCKING THEIF FUCKING RETARDED SNAKE LOOKING MOTHERFUCKING-"

That small snippet was enough, and she relinquished her magic. Colorful Delmar, very classy...

She needed help, so she brought Delmar with her to Luna.

She's going to need a drink...

Author's Note

A little snippet of Delmar's surpresed anger.