A Tale of Gum and Cheeses
Author's Note
Welcome to my AU where Tirek is a cheese fanatic. Take your time, have a look around, leave a like if you want.
A Tale of Gum and Cheeses
Sweetie Belle was a bit miffed. She had started off the day all happy and such but now she was miffed. She felt a little cheated. Or maybe a lot cheated. Somewhere between a little cheated and a lot cheated. Middle cheated. That doesn’t sound right. Miffed. Yeah, middle miffed. Sweetie Belle was middle miffed.
Why, you ask? You didn’t ask? Well I’ll tell you regardless.
It was because of Canterlot High School’s new Food Science class. Yes, you read that right. Sweetie Belle was taking a food class. Yes, the fire department was on standby, but it turned out it wasn’t needed for the first class, so the fire dudes had left about halfway through it.
You see, Sweetie wanted to learn how to cook without setting things on fire. The last time she had boiled water at her sister’s place it had... exploded. Rarity had not been pleased.
So, Sweetie Belle had gone into the class ready to learn how to cook, but the teacher, a Mrs. Blue Tea (yes, that one, unless you haven’t read of Spades’s exploits in the acquiring of pickles and milk, which in that case you would be unfamiliar with Blue, but don’t worry ‘cuz you don’t need to know to understand this story, and now I’m so far off track I should just restart that part).
The teacher, Mrs. Blue Tea had other plans for her first day on the job. Mrs. Tea was a light blue with dark blue hair, in case you were wondering. Not that it’s important, as she won’t be in the later part of the story. No, she’ll be home with her husbando, Spades Duck and their multitudes of multicolored children. And a baby ogre. Don’t ask.
Mrs. Tea’s plans were to introduce the class to the concept of food science, and more importantly, her latest invention: a stick of gum that tasted like a whole turkey dinner. She had been working on it with Twilight Sparkle (the Equestria Girls one) for months now, and it still had some kinks to work out, but it was still pretty interesting to talk about, at least to Blue.
The class had gone without a hitch, and Blue had felt like she had done a good job introducing the kids to food science. She had gone home after the class happy, unaware that she had left a stick of her experimental gum on her desk in her classroom.
Sweetie Belle knew that the gum was there. To her, the gum was the only part of the class that was interesting. This was because Sweetie Belle loved gum. She loved the texture, and the jaw workout it gave her. She loved blowing bubbles with it and then blowing bubbles inside of those bubbles. She also loved bubble wrap. Just the thought of some bubble wrap popping made her not pay attention to where she was walking and run into the door of the Food Science classroom. Lucky for her, there was no one around to see her, because running head-first into a door is rather embarrassing, to say the least.
Sweetie tried the doorhandle, and found the classroom to be unlocked. She breathed a sigh of relief and snuck inside, making sure to close the door behind her.
And with that, she was inside. With purpose, Sweetie Belle walked over to Blue Tea’s desk, and the waiting stick of experimental gum.
Sweetie Belle picked up the stick of gum, which if the gum had been able to speak, it would be screaming, but gum can’t speak.
Usually.
Lucky for Sweetie, the gum did not scream, but instead remained silent as she carefully unwrapped it and stuck it in her mouth.
And then Sweetie began to chew.
••• ••• •••
Meanwhile on the other side of the mirror in Tartarus, Equestria...
Tirek wanted to die.
It wasn’t because he was in a cage in Tartarus, or because the meals provided contained no cheese, although neither of those made him feel any better. No, it was the presence of a filly named Cozy Glow who was the second most annoying little prick he had ever met. Cozy was second, as first place was reserved for a particular pink pronking party pony.
The problem was that Cozy wouldn’t shut up. Tirek had tried everything he could think of, including but not limited to nap time, a brick to the head (his own, not hers; Tirek was evil but he was not that evil. Probably.), a magic silence bubble (Cozy was too loud and he could still hear her), and repeatedly telling her to be quiet. The last one worked, but only for short periods of time until Cozy started up again. Now was one such wonderful silence, but it was only a few more seconds later that Cozy Glow opened her fat mouth and began to talk again.
“Oh that stupid Twilight Sparkle and her stupid friends! Do you know what I’m going to do once I get out of here?” Cozy looked pointedly at Tirek, waiting for his reply.
Tirek knew that if he didn’t say anything, she would only get louder, so he sighed and replied. “What.”
“I’m going to make them pay! I’ll make them all pay! Or my name isn’t Cozy Glow! First, I’ll break up the friendship of those stupid students so they don’t interfere with my plans...”
Tirek looked longingly at the brick lying in his cell. Hitting Cozy with the brick seemed like a better and better idea to Tirek the more she talked.
••• ••• •••
Sweetie Belle had been chewing the gum for a solid minute now, and nothing had happened. This was because I, your wonderful and amazing narrator who is not The Great and Powerful Trrrrrixie, was not around to make things happen. Seeing as I am now back to Sweetie Belle, things can happen. Like, for example, the taste of tomato soup that suddenly came to be within Sweetie’s mouth, surprising her. And it wasn’t any run-of-the-mill tomato soup, no it was that weird expensive tomato soup that’s good but you don’t really expect the garlicky flavor and it’s a bit thicker than you’re used to but still good. The sudden taste almost made Sweetie Belle spit out the gum.
Almost. If she had spit it out, this whole canoodle wouldn’t have happened, and I wouldn’t be here telling you about it.
But she didn’t spit it out. She just kept chewing.
Next up on the gum flavor list was baked potato with butter. When Blue Tea had added this part, Twilight had given her the idea of shapeshifting the gum into the desired food. The issue with shapeshifting was that it required energy, and lots of it. The current version of the gum pulled energy from both the chewing and from the gum itself. So when the gum shifted into a bite of baked potato, it got cold. And if you ever had cold baked potato, it’s not really that good. Of course there are always exceptions, but that’s not the point here. The point was that Sweetie Belle didn’t like it. In fact, she didn’t like it so much that she almost spit it out.
Almost.
But she didn’t. She kept chewing, a frown on her face from the unappealing flavor as she did so. It was only a few seconds later that the flavor changed- this time into the much more appetizing blueberry pie and ice cream.
And if you, yes you over there with the face, have ever read or seen almost any version of Willy Wonka, you are probably familiar with the issue that comes with the blueberry pie.
••• ••• •••
Pinkie Pie had been hiding in the closet ever since the end of the Food Science class. She had hid herself on a hunch, specifically a hip hunch because her hip itched and that usually happens when she should watch a place because important things were going to happen. So, Pinkie had hid herself in the closet to watch the Food Science classroom. It wasn’t long until Sweetie had come in and Pinkie had watched as she had opened the gum and began to chew it. Pinkie had almost opened the closet door to stop but then her nose itched in THAT spot (which may be confused with That spot and that spot, but it is THAT spot and not That spot or that spot) Pinkie decided to follow her Pinkie Sense™, which was telling her to remain hidden.
So, Pinkie did not come out of the closet. Not yet.
••• ••• •••
The good thing about the blueberry pie and ice cream part of the gum was that the cold worked in its favor. The bad thing was that Sweetie turned blue. She didn’t notice at first, at least not until her nose turned blue.
And yet she didn’t stop chewing. Any sane person would have spit out the gum right then and there, but Sweetie did not spit it out. Was she insane? Possibly.
Heck, If I was chewing some gum and my skin turned blue, I’d probably scream. Sweetie did not do that either. She just stood there, chewing, staring at her blue hand.
And then she began to swell. First, her hands and feet grew puffy, and Sweetie waved them about in a panic, still chewing. Her middle began to swell up next, her body quickly growing rotund.
Now, Sweetie was not a big girl. Regardless, a transformation of this magnitude would take a lot of magic, but not as much as would be required for a full grown adult. Meaning that there was leftover magic.
Magic, when left to its own devices, does... things. Weird things. Sometimes it animates cleaning supplies. Sometimes it breaks all the lead in a newly sharpened pencil. And in this case, the leftover magic opened a portal into Equestria. Into Tartarus. Into Tirek’s cell.
Sweetie Belle was screaming now, because swelling up like that is a mighty unusual and uncomfortable feeling. At this point she had stopped chewing and had tried to spit out the gum, but it was too late. Only seconds later were Sweetie’s feet unable to reach the ground. Miraculously, her clothes managed to not rip, although they did turn blue, in case you were wondering. This isn’t THAT kind of fanfiction.
By now, Tirek had noticed the portal, but had not gone through it. As an experienced user (and stealer) of magic, Tirek knew not to trust random portals and so he threw the brick in his hand (meant for the head of Cozy Glow) through the portal with a very simple check spell on it so he could see what happened to it.
Sweetie Belle yelped as she was hit by a brick that seemingly appeared from nowhere, because bricks hurt. The brick had just enough momentum to give Sweetie a push, and she rolled away from the newly-formed portal.
Tirek felt that the brick was fine via his magic, and began to ponder whether or not he could go through. It could be a trap, after all.
Then Cozy Glow opened her fat mouth and Tirek decided than anywhere was better than where he was, and stepped through the portal to find that he was now in a room with what looked like a giant blueberry. So, Tirek stood there for a few seconds just staring at the massive blue ball of blue berry, which I would like to think is a normal reaction to seeing such a thing after stepping through a portal to escape the fourth-most-annoying thing in the known universe.
Sweetie Belle, on the other hand, could not see Tirek or the portal due to her head being near the floor on the opposite side of the room as Tirek and the portal. So it wasn’t until Tirek stepped around to the other side of her that she began to scream, which I would like to think is a normal reaction to seeing a red, angry-looking old-man centaur staring at you.
It was also at this point that Pinkie Pie, still in the closet, noticed Tirek as well, as Sweetie had been blocking her view of him when he had exited the portal.
Pinkie Pie, being Pinkie Pie, already knew that if she were to show herself, Tirek would immediately turn tail and go back through the portal, as she knew she was much more annoying than Cozy Glow.
And so, with a flourish, Pinkie swung open the closet door-
I said, Pinkie swung open the closet door.
“Mooooooooonnnn... it’s locked.” said Pinkie quietly. So quietly, in fact, that she- wait, what?
This is less than optimal. You see, Pinkie was supposed to leave the closet and thus scare Tirek, who would run out of the classroom and not into the portal.
Instead, Tirek smiled at the blueberryized Sweetie Belle, hereby referred to as “Blueberrybelle.” The smile was definitely not a friendly one, and Blueberrybelle eeped, because he had moved to a spot where she could see him. Then the red centaur spoke, and the words that came out were something that Blueberrybelle had not expected, although I’m positive a few if you readers could have predicted the topic.
“Large blue child, do you know where I could find some cheese?”
••• ••• •••
Seeing as Pinkie is currently locked in a closet, I guess I’ll have to call on a few other heroic ~~ponies~~ people.
So first we turn our attention to Essix Darryl Gertine Yonniccan, who is... uhhh... currently outside principal Celestia’s office. If you do not know who Essix is, I guess you could check out the story I’m writing about him, but, like, all you really need to know is that he’s pretty much the typical all-black alicorn OC with emotional issues, and as a human he’s almost the same except he’s grey instead of black besides the black hair and all-black outfit, he doesn’t have magic and is tutored by Principal Celestia for math and he keeps trying to ask her out but Essix is like 14 as a human and Celestia is not about to try to date a minor, but that doesn’t stop Essix from trying.
“Shut it.” said Essix to no one, because there was no one around except for him. He sighed.
Currently, Essix was unaware of the situation taking place in the Food Science classroom involving Tirek and Blueberrybelle.
“I have no clue who either of those people are.” said Essix to the surrounding air.
Naturally, he wouldn’t know that Tirek was an evil centaur who likes to steal magic and cheese, and that sending Tirek back to Tartarus would bring him favor with Celestia.
Before I had even finished the above sentence, Essix had already written a note to Celestia apologizing for not attending that day’s tutoring session due to “prevention of imminent destruction.”
“Time to trash a centaur, I guess.” said Essix, drawing a large, black sword from his backpack that shouldn’t be able to hold such a thing.
••• ••• •••
Now, there is one more hero I wish to call on: the mighty Spades Duck, who should be at home with his wife, Blue Tea, and his children.
Let’s see where he is, and how we can get him to the school.
Hmm... not in the shovel shed... or the backyard... kitchen? No. Living room? No, but the baby ogre is there, chewing on a can of beans.
How about the bedroo-
Well.
It, uhh, look like Spades and Blue are busy. Veeeery busy. Doing things. Things I can’t talk about unless the rating of this story is “Mature.”
And it’s not. I just checked.
So Spades is out. Who else can I call on?
The hu-main seven? I guess so. But like the only one that can talk to me is Pinkamena Diane Pie, and she’s stuck in a closet. If only there was some way for her to contact her friends...
Well, while I think about that, let’s return to the Food Science classroom, and the creatures within.
Lessee... Pinkie’s in the closet, Blueberrybelle is attempting to roll herself upright, and the classroom door is wide open. Tirek is... gone. The portal is still there, though.
Mere seconds later, when Blueberrybelle is almost upright but is also blocking the doorway, Essix Darryl Gertine Yonniccan arrives at the other side of the door. He would have been there sooner but did not know where the Food Science classroom was.
“Yeah, thanks for all the help, oh wait you didn’t help at all.” said Essix sarcastically to nobody. He didn’t have his sword out anymore because when he asked a custodian for directions he didn’t want to get tackled to the ground and expelled for having a blatantly obvious dangerous weapon. Since there was no (visible) sword to freak out over, the custodian had happily pointed Essix in the right direction and went back to cleaning the boy’s bathroom’s mirrors with fresh toilet water.
Speaking of the custodian, he had just finished cleaning the boy’s bathroom and stepped out into the hall where he ran into a red, angry-looking old-man centaur who grabbed him by his collar, brought the poor man close to his face, and asked with stanky breath, “Where is the cheese?”
The custodian, a nice man called Mr. Green by the students, was having a hard time replying due to the presence of the angry centaur man, and the bad breath in his face was not helping.
Tirek asked again “Where is the Cheese?!? Answer me!” He shook Mr. Green, who flopped in his grip like a doll.
Mr. Green swallowed and did his best to answer. “I-I-In the c-c-cafeteria-“
“I do not know where that is!” Tirek huffed. “You will show me and I will spare you.”
“O-o-o-of course...” stammered Mr. Green. Tirek set him down, and Mr. Green took a moment to calm himself down before leading the red centaur towards the cafeteria, wishing that he had the guts to run and then call the police on his cell phone-
A cell phone! That’s what Pinkie can use to call her friends!
“Already did it, they’re on their way.” said Pinkie from within the closet. “Also, don’t worry. I know what to do when the time is right!”
Now we must return to Essix, who was running down the hall towards the cafeteria, sword in hand, mumbling something about wild goose chases and donkeys owned by flying rats. It didn’t take him long to get there, but when he walked in, the cafeteria was empty. This was because Mr. Green, and by extension, Tirek, had not arrived yet. The reason for this was that Mr. Green was hoping that someone would see the red centaur following him and would call the police, so he was taking the long route around the school to the cafeteria.
Unfortunately for him, the security officers were not watching their cameras and were instead watching a news broadcast about a hot air balloon race being set up in the park across from Canterlot High.
With nothing better to do, Essix sat at one of the lunch tables and waited for his foe to arrive.
••• ••• •••
Sunset Shimmer, Rarity, Applejack, SciTwi, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash were stuck in traffic. They were all piled into Fluttershy’s van. Fluttershy was driving, of course, because it was her van.
“Just honk the horn already!” complained Rainbow for the umpteenth time from her seat in the back of the back of the van. “We need to be at the High School now, not in an hour!”
“So sorry...” whispered Fluttershy, too quiet to be heard. Louder, she said “There is no reason not to drive safe.”
“Of course there isn’t, darling,” said Rarity from the shotgun seat. “But could you maybe hurry it up a little?”
“Yeah Flutters, we need to get there as fast as we can,” said Sunset from the middle of the middle row. “I don’t know how Tirek got out of Tartarus, or how Pinkie knows who he is, but he is very very dangerous!”
“Shouldn’t you tell other Twilight about it?” Asked Sci-Twi from her spot next to Sunset.
“Crap! I’ll do that now.” said Sunset.
“I think it might’ve been a bit faster iffin’ we woulda’ walked, I reckon,” said Applejack from her spot on the other side of Sunset.
They were going to be a while.
••• ••• •••
“This... is the cafeteria.” said Mr Green, literally shaking in his boots as he spoke to the imposing red centaur.
Tirek snorted, shooting steam from his nose, before replying, “I trust that you will show me the cheese within this room, or that you will die horribly. It is your choice, hairless ape.”
“Yeah I think I’ll show you the cheese, then.”
“Lead on.”
Mr. Green opened the door to the cafeteria, and saw Essix sitting at one of the lunch tables with a large, scary-looking sword. Essix did not notice him immediately, as Mr. Green had ducked back out before Essix turned to look.
“Let’s go the back way,” said Mr. Green, leading Tirek to the staff entrance to the kitchens. He led the scary centaur into the kitchens and then over to the dairy refrigerator. “In here.”
Tirek opened the door by ripping it off of its hinges and tossing it aside, making a lot of noise. Mr. Green took this as an opportunity to leave the cafeteria and then call the police, saying something is trying to rob the school, because he knew that telling them that a centaur was stealing cheesev would be taken as a prank call.
As tirek shoveled wedge after wedge of cheese into his mouth, he failed to notice the edgy grey kid with black hair, black hoodie, black pants, and black sword leaning on the doorway that Mr. Green had just exited from.
Essix cleared his throat.
Tirek continued eating.
Essix coughed, loudly.
Tirek continued eating.
Essix called Tirek a few colorful names.
Tirek stopped eating after he swallowed the current mouthful of cheese, an aged gouda, to be exact. He turned to look at the teenage boy. “And who are you supposed to be?”
“My name is Essix Darryl Gertine Yonniccan, and I am here to defeat you.”
“Well, Essix Dairy Gerbie Yondalonda-“
“Essix Darryl Gertine Yonniccan.”
“E-sex Hairy Grapetini Yah-i-can-“
“Essix Darryl Gertine Yonniccan. Get it right.”
“Whatever. I am the mighty Tirek, consumer of magic. There is no way a simple whelp such as you can defeat me.”
Essix smiled and hefted his black sword. “Are you sure about that?”
Tirek eyed the sword, and could feel strong dark magic emanating from it. It would not do for him to face a foe with such a weapon, so he pointed over Essix’s shoulder and shouted “OH MY Celestia WHAT IS THAT?”
Essix chuckled. “I’m not falling for-“
And Tirek shoved him aside and ran out into the hall. He noticed an exit sign and ran towards it.
Essix was on his back, on the floor. He swore loudly before getting up and chasing after Tirek.
••• ••• •••
“Sweetie Belle, are you okay?” shouted Pinkie Pie from within her locked closet.
“Pinkie Pie? Oh thank Harmony! Can you help me?” asked our blueberrified Belle.
“I’m a bit stuck at the moment, but your sister and my friends are on their way!”
“...Stuck?”
“I’m in the closet.”
“Oh. Well. I’m sure everyone would accept you for who you are. You don’t need to hide that. I mean, I like girls and guys too, and Rarity is proud of me, so I’m sure she’d be proud of you too.” said Sweetie kindly. “But what does that have to do with not being able to help me?”
Pinkie gigglesnorted and then replied “Silly! I’m in a literal closet! But thank you for the support! I’ll throw you a Bi-Party! Ooh, the cake can be chocolate and vanilla, with two kinds of frosting, and you gotta tell me who you like so I can invite them!
“Uh, okay?”
“Also, your sister is hawt!”
••• ••• •••
“Oh come on Flutters! There was an opening right there! We could be at the light by now!” complained Rainbow. Again. “Look, let me out and I’ll run there and take T-rex out.”
“First of all,” started Sunset, “it’s Tirek. And second of all, he’d steal your magic.”
“That sounds absolutely horrible, darling!” exclaimed Rarity, holding a hand to her forehead dramatically.
“Don’t need magic to impale a horse-guy on a pitchfork.” said Applejack, brandishing said pitchfork.
“Where did you get that?” asked Twilight, scooting towards the window and away from the farming implement.
“Oh, from the farm.”
“I think she means how did you get it in here? You didn’t have it before.” said Fluttershy quietly. “At least I don’t think you had it before.”
“Pinkie Pie taught me a trick.” replied Applejack simply.
There was silence for a moment before Rainbow spoke up. “Do you think T-rex eats animals?”
“He doES WHAT NOW?” Yelled Fluttershy, flooring the accelerator and swerving into an open lane. The rest of the van’s occupants could only scream in response.
••• ••• •••
Tirek came barreling out of Canterlot High’s front doors like a... well, like a red old-man centaur running from a kid with a black sword who’s all too eager to impale said red old-man centaur on said black sword.
Now, while it was after school time, some students were still hanging around out front, one of whom was named Lyra Heartstrings, who was leaning on the non-portal side of the broken horse statue base. She was the first of the lingering students to see Tirek galloping down the front steps, and in response she began to scream, which drew the attention of the other students who, upon viewing the foreign centaur, began to scream as well. In my opinion, they could have screamed louder, but a good portion of tirek’s top half was blocked by a large pile of cheese which he held in his arms carefully so as to not drop any. Said cheese pile made it look like a red horse was galloping out of Canterlot High instead of a red old-man-centaur, which greatly diminished the overall fear-factor, or at least it did until our good friend Essix ran through the front doors of Canterlot High like a... well, like an edgy, black-sword-wielding teenager bent on killing a red old-man centaur in order to gain favor with who he thinks will be his future wife, i.e. Celestia.
Somehow, (probably due to magic) Tirek had yet to drop any of his cheese from his cheese pile that he was carrying despite running full-tilt away from the high school. If Tirek had dropped any cheese, Essix (or someone else) would have most definitely slipped on it and then DIED. But he didn’t, so no slipping here. Yet.
Tirek’s in trouble here. If Essix catches him, Essix could kill him, and this thought is what drove Tirek to gallop past the screaming students and sprint across the street towards the hot-air balloon festival to make his getaway.
Essix made chase, only falling behind a little while attempting to cross the street and almost getting turned into mush by a sixteen-wheeler. As fast as Essix was, he wasn’t fast enough to catch Tirek before he had managed to not only board a conveniently available hot air balloon, but also take off in it.
“No dip, Sherlock.” muttered Essix as he altered his course for a second conveniently located, ready-to-go hot air balloon. Once he reached it, he cut the ropes holding it down and took off just as the owners of both hot air balloons came out from the single person bathroom at the same time. Lewd. Anyway, they were too busy staring deep into each other’s eyes to notice that their balloons had been taken.
Now, I am of the opinion that hot air balloons and swords do not mix well, so I’m going to warn you that somebody’s gonna fall. Don’t worry, though. I have this all under control- plus, I don’t like killing my characters.
Anyways, Tirek had a bit of ahead start on Essix, so Essix cut off a few sandbags with the idea of “Less Weight = Up Fast,” which is technically correct, so his hot air balloon began rising faster, slowly getting closer and closer to Tirek’s.
••• ••• •••
Crash Sentry was eating a donut. It was a boston creme donut, and it was about half gone. Crash was sitting in his police cruiser thinking about how he could possibly help his son, Flash Sentry, gain some ground with love. Crash was a little worried that his son was actually gay, but not because being gay is bad. No, Crash was just aware of the amount of hate that non-hetero people got. He pondered this a moment while he took another bite of the donut and a sip from his coffee. Crash still had to talk to his son about the dresses be had seen in Flash’s closet. Neon yellow was not a color that would look good on him.
Any further thoughts were forgotten for the moment when a white van advertising some kind of animal shelter came whipping around a corner down the street. And Officer Crash Sentry set down his coffee and the remains of his donut, turned on the police cruiser, hut the siren, and floored it.
••• ••• •••
“DARLING YOU REALLY NEED TO SLOW DOWN!” shouted Rarity from the passenger seat of the van. “THERE’S A POLICE OFFICER RIGHT BEHIND US!”
”I’M GOING TO KILL THAT TIREK, THEN I’M GOING TO BRING HIM BACK TO LIFE AND KILL HIM AGAN! EXCEPT MUCH SLOWER! AND PAINFULLER!” shrieked Fluttershy from the driver’s seat just before she took another street corner at 100 mph, causing the rest of the car’s occupants to scream in fear, except for Rainbow Dash in the back, who was having the time of her life.
“AT THIS RATE, WE’LL BE AT THE SCHOOL IN LIKE A MINUTE!” she shouted, but no one else could hear her over the rest of the screaming.
••• ••• •••
Tirek didn’t know any wind spells, although he wished he did, because he really really needed to make his balloon move faster. Preferably a lot faster. Because, to Tirek, it seemed that Essix was floating towards him in his hot air balloon by sheer force of anger and teen angst, although the real cause was that Essix was quite a bit lighter than the centaur and his mound of cheeses and the wind pushed his balloon a bit faster than Tirek’s.
“FACE ME, YOU COWARD!” yelled Essix, brandishing his sword so as to not endanger the structural stability of his hot air balloon.
“I WON’T! RATHER NOT DIE AND ALL THAT!” shouted back Tirek as he attempted to use his arms to paddle the air to make his balloon speed up.
“THAT’S THE POINT, DIPSTICK!” replied Essix as he slowly drifted closer.
It was truly a great day for hot-air-ballooning, as it was hardly windy, resulting in an average balloon movement of about a foot a minute. And by average, I mean that for every ten inches that Tirek’s balloon moved, Essix’s balloon moved 14 inches, and if you add 10 to 14 you get 24 inches, which if you divide by two it becomes one foot on average, which you probably already figured out ‘cuz it’s simple math.
Essix extended his arm holding his sword as far towards Tirek’s ballon as he could reach, but there was still a good three feet of space between the tip of Essix’s sword and the edge of Tirek’s balloon, as Essix’s balloon was a little higher up than Tirek’s.
It was at this moment that Fluttershy pulled up to the high school in her van with an almighty screech of tires, followed quickly by the smell of burning rubber. Before her van had even stopped its skid, she was out of it and already sprinting up the school’s front stairs and inside. About five seconds after that, Crash Sentry pulled up in his police car, siren a-blazin’. Two seconds later, the side doors of Fluttershy’s van opened and the rest of the Hu-Mane seven filed out. Spike, who had been on Sci-Twi’s lap, had been queasy the whole ride and took this as a chance to upchuck all over the sidewalk from Twi’s arms. It’s safe to say that it splattered all over.
The girls ignored the police car and its occupant and instead followed Fluttershy into the high school, where Tirek was not.
Now, under normal circumstances, Officer Crash Sentry would have been out of his car and after the kids lickety split, but he was distracted. You can probably guess what was distracting him, but I’ll tell you regardless: it was the boy with the open-carry sword in the hot air balloon. The red “horse” in the other hot air balloon was also a little odd, but as far as Crash knew, it wasn’t illegal. And since a sizeable sword may be more dangerous in a hot air balloon than an unsafe driver who wasn’t driving is inside a high school, Crash got out of his police cruiser, grabbed his megaphone from the passenger seat, and started walking towards the park.
••• ••• •••
Rarity had fainted when she had seen Swee- I mean Blueberrybelle, as one does when they see their sibling swelled up like a balloon (not of the hot-air variety, as that is a completely different type of swelling- that of the ego) and said sibling is also very, very blue.
While Applejack attended to Rarity, Sci-Twi inspected the inflated crusader and almost immediately recognized what had caused it. What followed was a lecture about not trying experimental food of the magical variety, complete with four pamphlets, a rather catchy song about proper laboratory safety, and a lot of apologizing by our Blueberrybelle.
Meanwhile, Sunset was trying to break open the closet that Pinkie Pie was still inside of, although that really should have been Applejack’s job with her super-strength and all that, but as I said before, AJ was busy attending to Rarity. Rainbow Dash had been sent out of the room at the first opportunity because she couldn’t stop laughing at Blueberrybelle.
And Spike (the dog, duh) really had to go pee.
After a few more tries, Sunset succeeded in breaking off the closet door’s handle, and Pinkie Pie came shooting out of the closet in more ways than one right into Sunset’s waiting arms, where Pinkie gave Sunset a big hug and an unexpected-but-not-unwanted kiss.
A long one.
Possibly with tongue, but only if that’s allowed in fics rated “Everyone.” You got that, mods? I don’t want any trouble. Just a humble author tryin’ to tell a story, yea?
Now, uh, Fluttershy! Yeah. Shortly after they had entered the school, Sunset had been able to catch up to her and explain that Tirek does not “consume the hearts of small fluffy mammals with the help of a little ketchup” no matter what Rainbow Dash says, so she’s not hyper angry anymore. I don’t want a repeat of the Everfree Incident. Not the one with the tentacle lady, the other one. So, no angry Flutters. No, instead of anger, she’s hyperventilating in a corner because she had been speeding.
Regardless, the Equestria Girls Elements of Harmony were back together again, and after Rarity was revived and Fluttershy calmed down, they all followed Tirek’s weirdly convenient and dirty hoofprints through the school, to the kitchen, and out the front of the school and across the street and into the park, where the prints oddly ended with no red centaur in sight.
Pinkie Pie, of course, already knew where he was and had been trying to get Tirek’s attention by waving and shouting, which alerted the other girls (and dog) to his location.
Sunset scribbled something into her journal thing, and then looked towards the skies dramatically and said “Pony up.”
••• ••• •••
Officer Crash Sentry was contemplating shooting the balloon with the sword-welding boy in it. He was only contemplating it because not many people know what happens when you shoot a hot air balloon- I know I certainly don’t. If he shot it, and the balloon were to fall, the boy might drop the sword and then it’d impale someone, which would be a Bad Idea, and let me tell you, Crash Sentry did not like Bad Ideas. But Crash still thought that it was more of a Bad Idea to have a boy with a sword in a flying hot air balloon, and thus had to get him down somehow.
Now, the Sentry family isn’t known for their smarts, but Crash defied his genetics and thought of a Good Idea. The boy in the hot air balloon is chasing the horse and man in the other. If the other hot air balloon comes down, then so will the boy.
And without further thought, Crash took aim with his pistol, and shot Tirek’s hot air balloon.
••• ••• •••
Essix was feeling kind of annoyed.
“Naw, I’m just faking it.” said Essix, sarcastically, to the air.
Tirek’s balloon was descending, and Essix’s balloon was not, even though he had turned off the fire thingie. With not much else he could do, Essix watched as the top of Tirek’s balloon wend below the level of the basket. He calculated something in his head, and then climbed over the edge of his basket and dropped on top of Tirek’s balloon. And then he realized that he had no way to get down to Tirek, short of stabbing the balloon and killing them both. Probably. Of course, Essix could drop through the gaping hole in the top of the balloon where the hot air was let out but he’d be roasted alive.
And so he sat down with an annoyed grunt.
••• ••• •••
The girls were ready. They were all ponied up, except for Twilight, because I said so. As a group they all flew/ran at Tirek’s quickly descending balloon, and in no time at all were in a circle around it. Tirek, of course, had seen them coming, and was smiling for some reason. The girls channeled their powers, and wallah wallah bing bang the rainbow beam went boom and shot at an angle from their magic circle and curved around the edge of the balloon’s wicker basket to meet Tirek head on.
Or, more accurately, mouth-on. Because Tirek had his mouth open. And, he was not stuffing cheese inside.
Crap. This is, uh, not how this was supposed to go.
Pinkie, being Pinkie, could turn it off... right?
“I can’t!” cried out Pinkie from the circle, as Tirek sucked them all dry.
Crap crappity crap crap.
The basket was not strong enough to hold the full size Tirek any longer. It broke, and Tirek fell to the ground with an almighty wumph that shook the ground for miles. And still he sucked the magic from the circle of friends until one-by-one they each keeled over, unconscious. Rarity was the last to go, and she managed a scream of terror before she too gave in.
The remains of Tirek’s balloon, with Essix riding, fell from the sky. The only way Essix survived was because he pulled an Epic Victory Royale and youth-rolled his way off of the balloon and on to the ground.
But Essix didn’t even get enough time to brush himself off before the now gigantic Tirek unceremoniously flicked him into next week.
All seemed lost, but y’all should know that every decent writer has an ace up their sleeve. While I am not “decent,” I am, in fact, a writer.
So, we return to where it began, with Sweetie Belle.
••• ••• •••
Sweetie had been feeling kind of blue, both literally and emotionally. She was kind of sad because Rarity had seemed more concerned with the big red horse dude than with the fact that her little sister was a blueberry. She had been wallowing in self-pity when she heard Rarity’s scream through an open window, followed by a deep, evil laugh.
And then came a voice that vaguely sounded like the red horse guy that asked her for cheese earlier. “You all are defeated! None can stand against the mighty Tirek! Since your counterparts in the pony world defeated me, I’ve learned a few tricks!”
Sweetie Belle didn’t understand the pony thing, but she did understand that Rarity and her friends had failed, and that meant that Rarity might be hurt.
With determination in her eyes, Sweetie Belle began chewing again. And then she began to change.
••• ••• •••
Tirek was trying to keep his cool. This was because of two things. Firstly, he recognized the pink pony’s human counterpart, and wanted to leave before she woke up. Secondly, when his hot air balloon broke, all of the wonderful cheese he had been carrying had scattered, and he had to find at least some of it. He was so engrossed in his cheese-finding he failed to notice the blue figure that shot out of the roof of Canterlot High at superhuman speeds. The berry-blue figure made a mid-air turn that sent her shooting like a meteor towards the park across the street. When she hit the ground, nearby earthquake recording devices registered it as a large meteor impact, but the blue behemoth was visibly unscathed as she climbed her way out of the crater to stand before the giant red centaur.
”Tirek.” she said, her voice unusually deep.
Tirek turned around, and before him was Sweetie Belle, but changed. Gone was the impossibly rotund blue body he had seen when he came through the portal- it had been replaced by muscles that would make the Incredible Hulk green with envy (that is, if he wasn’t already green). Her eyes were odfly hidden in the shade of her brow, and her mouth was a bit larger than it should be. Tirek noticed that she was chewing.
Did all this scare him? Not one bit, because he had magic and magic trumps everything, right?
Wrong.
“Who are you?” asked Tirek, readying a disintegration spell.
”I am your doom.”
“We’ll see about that.” replied Tirek. Without further warning, he fired off his disintegration beam, and expected to watch the highly muscular blue lady disintegrate, as people do when hit by a disintegration beam.
But Sweetie was not human. Not any more. She had evolved, and so she simply unhinged her jaw and swallowed the beam. Literally just nommed the whole thing, like an absolute madlass.
Tirek just stared at her as she rubbed her tummy and burped. “Th-that’s impossible!” he stammered, taking a step back and unknowingly squishing a rather expensive wheel of german cheese. “You can’t just eat magic! That’s my thing!”
”You hurt my sister and her friends.” said Sweetie, her voice even. ”Apologize or suffer.”
Tirek should have been more scared. “I’ve consumed the magic of this world’s elements of harmony! You cannot hurt me!”
”So be it.” replied Sweetie Belle. She took a step towards Tirek, and the ground shook.
”Omae wa mou shindeiru.”
“Huh?”
”It’s nani, idiot.”
And then Sweetie Belle punched Tirek in the face. It was truly a magnificent punch, one of the best punches ver punched, if I do say so myself and I do say so myself.
It started with one stride. Sweetie Belle took a huge step- more of a jump, really -and was immediately in front of Tirek. She brought her arm back, and then let her fist fly, smashing the centaur in his red nose. Almost immediatey, the atoms in Tirek’s face were compressed to such a degree that a few of them split, causing atomic explosions that would have destroyed the whole park at least if not for the sheer force behind Sweetie’s fist keeping the blast between her knuckles and Tirek’s face. Any bone, muscle or tissue that got in the way of her fist just... disintegrated, leaving behind only energy.
The whole thing was over in less than a second. Buff Sweetie Belle stood with her arm where Tirek’s head should have been, but it wasn’t there anymore. It took the universe a few seconds to release the resulting sound of the punch, which broke all of the non-reinforced windows in a five-mile radius and caused a good number of ears to bleed.
Sweetie’s Buff body quickly shrunk, having spent all of the remaining energy on the single punch. Lucky for her she shrunk back to her normal size, with the only difference being that she was now very blue.
The remaining magical energy from Tirek’s lifeless body returned to the humane seven, and just like that, it was over.
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•••
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Epilogue:
Okay, so while the main story is over, I have a few ends to “tidy” up. Let’s start with Essix.
••• ••• •••
Essix Darryl Gertine Yonniccan was largely unharmed for being flicked by a highly magical centaur clean through the trunks of several trees which were older than him, having a few bruised ribs to show for his troubles. Principal Celestia did fawn over him and his minor scrapes and bruises, but more like a mother than like a lover, much to Essix’s exasperation.
••• ••• •••
Pinkie Pie and Sunset decided not to date but instead be friends with benefits. It wasn’t long until Rainbow Dash wanted in, but Fluttershy showed an unusual amount of backbone and now they’re going out.
••• ••• •••
Crash Sentry quit the police force to study the aerodynamics of hot-air balloons with gunshot holes, which is a surprisingly successful field.
••• ••• •••
Sweetie Belle remained blue and would stay blue for the rest of her life. It’s not really a big deal.
••• ••• •••
Upon returning the body to Equestria, the Elements of Harmony were able to restore Tirek’s head. He was put back in his cell with some earplugs, and a small cheese wheel that regenerates daily as long as he doesn’t try anything stupid.
••• ••• •••
Spades Duck finished what he had been doing with his wife, and went about the rest of his day normally. Many months later his wife would be giving birth to four more children... at the same time. They would all be horifficly ugly babies but pretty and handsome adults.
••• ••• •••
And I think that sums it all up nicely, don’t you? What? Me? I’m not important. I take way too long to write these, after all. But I’ll tell you a little secret. Just between you and me, eh? And everyone else who reads this, of course.
I’m working on something special. A few things special. You’ll see. Hopefully.
