What the F*** is Friendship!?
Author's Note
ANNOUNCEMENT!
I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!
SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!
The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.
...
https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963
Above is a link to amazon for my book
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966
Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book
https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898
Above is a link to Xilbris for my book
https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373
Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book
https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/
Above is a link to my Linkedin account
https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/
Above is a link to my Tumblr account
https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90
Above is a link to my facebook account
https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2
Above is a link to my Patreon account
.......
If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911
...
AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?
Love me, flame me, review me
What the F*** is Friendship!?
B*S* is magic
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
...III...
Lord Bung(1) blinked.
"My dear Twilight, there is more to a young pony's life than studying-
He looked around baffled, one second he'd been a cool blue cyborg dinosaur chilling in his bachelor pad-
-so I'm sending you to supervise the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration in this year's location: Ponyville-
-and now he was a girly purple unicorn listening to a baby purple dragon being charioted through the air by two noble Pegasus Stallion knights?
-And, I have an even more essential task for you to complete: make some friends!"
"Nope, fuck this. I'm out." Bung jumps off the chariot-
"TWILIGHT!" Screams Spike, in a panic he pulls the reigns ferociously to get the guards to fly after her, which since the guards were currently in a very tricky maneuver to handle a sudden strong wind-
CRASH!
-Doesn't end well.
...Bung Chronicle theme song...
Bung groaned as he pulled himself out of the crater his body had formed, he groaned even louder when he saw he was still a unicorn. "...Too bad that didn't kill me." He moaned...
He drags his aching body away, he briefly looks at the second crater formed by the crashed chariot...then moves on without a second thought...
"Twilight...help...please..." Whimpers Spike, But he was already gone...
He finds he has a saddlebag, fishing through it he's relived to find most of his stuff, including Cake- although she seemed to have been knocked into factory default mode and wouldn't be back online for a couple more hours...
With nothing left to do he limps toward the nearby settlement of... Ponyville?
Bung just stares at the stupidly asinine name of the town for a second... "Oh for fucks sake, this is going be the shitiest episode ever." Unfortunately, there was little options, although cartoon logic seemed to be healing him up nicely, it would still be better if he had a place to rest and patch up.
He quickly wanders in searching quickly for a quiet place to rest and recuperate, avoiding all the smiling, happy, cunt ponies all about-
GASP!
A pink Pony stood before him and gasped loudly before fleeing, "Well, a fine howdy do to you too buddy." Said Bung annoyed, but shrugs it off and keeps going...
...
"Come on guys, give it back!" Shouts Applebloom annoyed as she tries to get her backpack from her two tormentors.
"Make us Blank Flank!" Teases Diamond Tiara, as she and silver spoon throws it back and forth in the middle of the road.
Applebloom was on the verge of crying, why couldn't they just leave her alone? She HATED this! Her legs ached to buck her...but no, her sister told her that such instincts were WRONG, if she did that she'd be a bully herself!
...Still...where did that leave her? She didn't bother to look for an adult, they never helped her, they just usually kept walking. No one ever seemed to notice how horrible Diamond was, not people, not her teacher, not her sister, not nobody!
And whenever she brought it up...people would just tell her to stick it out, ignore her , that her cutie mark would come in at it's 'own time' and everything would be fine...
Easy for them to say, they weren't being ridiculed and tormented on a daily basis! And call her crazy...but she very much doubted a jerk like Tiara would let a little thing like who dose or doesn't have a cutiemark get in the way of being a jerk!
She just...she just wished there was someone, ANYONE who could help her-
"What the fuck is going on here?"
Before the three fillies could process the 'naughty' word. Spoon and Diamond found themselves lifted up in the air, and their heads slammed together by a purple unicorn.
Diamond and Silver were stunned as he tossed an equally stunned Applebloom's backpack back to her.
"Wh-what are you doing?! You can't hit me! Do you know who I am!?"
"Trash." Stated the unicorn as she simply tossed both of them into a manure wagon as it passed by...
Applebloom just gaped at her in disbelief, "You...you helped me? You actually helped me?" She asked amazed.
The unicorn turned to her, "Yes, but why didn't you fight back yourself? They didn't seem so tough, you probably could've done some real damage to them!"
Applebloom just stared at her confused, "But...if I did that I'd become a bully TOO!" She exclaimed.
The purple Unicorn just gave her a dumbfounded look, "Did you...did you seriously just- She face-hoofed herself -of all the lamebrained..." She sighed, "Look kid there's probably a thousand better ways to say this... But I have a splitting headache and I'm in a fucking purple Unicorn's body... so let me just ask you this: who told you that BS?"
"My sister, my teacher, and various other adult ponies in my life." Stated Applebloom now confused over the 'unicorn body' bit and stifling her giggles over her 'dirty' words.
"Okay- To be clear, I HOPE I'm wrong so by all means correct me if I am -and have any of those people ever helped you with your bullying? Ever lifted a finger to protect you or give any REAL comfort?
Applebloom thought for a moment, "Well...no." She realized...
None saw a darkness leak from Bung...or the world around them getting a little bit less...'cheery'.
"If any of them had walked through here...would they have stopped those two?"
Applebloom started to get a bit irritated, "You know what? ...NO! They'd probably wouldn't even have noticed! Probably just walked right past me like the oblivious morons they are!"
Again, no one noticed more darkness coming from Bung...or the the friendliness of the world die a little...or Applebloom's coat...get a bit of an edge?
"In fact...my sister is the worst of the lot! You know one time I wanted to leave a place to get away from Diamond's teasing and she blocked my path! I pushed and ran, but she just kept pushing me back inside! All the while yammering on about how she was 'right', not noticing my apprehension at all!(2)"
"Right, so explain to me why your listening to these people who have done squat for you and taking advice that clearly makes you miserable?"
When asked later, many ponies in the area, would get a chill down their spine...and briefly wonder if Celestia made the sun go down early.
Applebloom glared, "You know what? Your right! B...b...B!" Applebloom's face strained, as if some otherworldly force was trying to force her to choke her words down...
However...
"BUCK THEM! BUCK THEIR ADVICE! BUCK TIARA! AND BUCK BEING A VICTIM!" She shouted happily.
Bung couldn't help but smile, "Good on you kid, look I REALLY need to go. But I'll give you this- He smashes a glass bottle, making into a face shredder.
"If she bothers you again, threaten her with this." Hand it to her, "It'll scare the shit out of her, and you can easily dispose of it so adults can't bust you."
Applebloom thanks the strange mare and looks at the face shredder happily...then she notices the discarded shards on the ground...right next to a discarded stick...the gears in her mind start to turn...
...later...
Bung groaned, his wounds were(mostly) healed...but he was hungry and frankly could use a stiff drink. Since that Applebloom filly he'd run into two other troubled fillies.
One named SweetieBell had just run sobbing from her house, screaming about 'un-sister' and other weird shit. He got her to calm down and she told him how her older sister kept getting angry at her everytime she made a mistake.
She tried to make breakfast for her, but it got ruined.
She tried to surprise her by washing her clothes for her, but it got shrunk.
Then she tried to make a beautiful card to prove to her sister she loved her, but accidentally used up her rare gems to do so.
Then she cleaned up her room, but her sister got mad AGAIN as she'd 'ruined' her 'organized chaos'...and that had been the final straw.
"Okay, an argument could be made for both sides with those first three incidents, but that last one is just this 'Rarity' being a cunt!" These had been the thoughts racing through his head as he flat out told Sweetie bell 'if your sister is too much of bitch to appreciate you or your generosity, then fuck her.'
Feeling empowered by the talk Sweetiebell walks off to do just that... Bung walks away satisfied...only to see smoke coming from the boutique behind him a couple minutes later...he wisely just kept walking away...very quickly...
He soon found a young Pegasus trying to fly...but her small wings just can't do it. Bung, seeing the rather cliched pattern now, just rolls his eye's and finds a spare jetpack and tosses it at him. Scottaloo sail through the air eagerly thanking Bung...right before she demolished several houses...
Bung didn't even bother with pretenses, he just ran!
And then Bung find a red earth pony just mulling about.
Bung sighed, "Alright, I give up. What 'problem' did you need me to solve for you, make it quick I need booze!"
Ruby Pinch just looked up at him confused, "But I'm fine mam! I don't have any problems! ...also, what's booze?"
Bung groaned, "No Booze!? OHHHHHH! Someone just put me out of my misery!" he fell flat on the ground in defeat.
Ruby looked at him concerned, she hated seeing ponies unhappy! "I'm sorry mam...maybe...maybe I could make this...Booze for you?"
Bung looked at her skeptically...but shrugged, what did he have to lose? He began to list off what little he remembered of how booze was made...
...
"A dash of a rainbow's glow, a smiggen of serpent clippings clipping, and hair from a dog that didn't bite you slow." Said Ruby Pinch outloud as she mixed up the concoction and handed it to Bung.
Bung looked at her weirdly, "What? You listen to me for 5 minutes, mix a bunch of random nonsense together and suddenly that makes you an expert on Booze?... Gah! I guess you really can't escape college kids no matter where they go..."
He trails off with a shrug, he was thirsty and was better then nothing after all. He takes a sip...he falls to the floor out of sheer pleasure and looks up to the filly...
"I would bury myself for you kid." He states flatly.
Ruby just preens seeing the joy she'd given him.
"Sweetie, who's this? And what are you making?" Asked her mother Berry Punch as she'd showed up and drank the drink out of curiosity...
...5 minutes later...
"Let me- (hic) -tell you about the Blue Stallion group- (hic) -total rip off of the smurfs...and the smurfs? (hic) They suck!" Shouted a completely soused Berry Punch.
"I made Mommy happy!" Clapped Ruby excited.
"Uh...yes...yes you did...if uh...if she gets...'too happy'...call this number alright, I'll come- hands her a card.
"Thanks! But, wait...how could there be such a thing as 'too happy'?" Asked the young filly confused.
"When it happens, you'll know." Said Bung flatly as he quickly left the area...
And then Ruby noticed more ponies coming over...
"YEAH! More ponies to make happy!" Shouted the innocent Filly as she introduced alcoholism to an unsuspecting world...
...
"I'm...coming...Twilight!" Groaned spike as he dragged his broken body to Ponyville...
…III...
TO BE CONTINUED?
..........
(1): He's from Bung chronicles, I strongly recommend it, I own nothing
(2): a alternate version of the 'Cute-ceañera' S1E12(Call of the Cutie) but in this it happened earlier and the other two crusaders weren't present so no CMC...not yet, also seriously what was up with Applejack?