The Most Exciting Story in the Universe!

by Quillamore

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Cheerilee
Length: 3120

When Cheerilee tells Scootaloo that she uses too many exclamation points in her story, the Crusaders set off to write the most exciting story in Equestria—no, the universe!

As the most excitable filly in Ponyville, Scootaloo has a habit of overusing exclamation points in her writing. So naturally, when Cheerilee gives her a bad grade on a short story she loves for that exact reason, she and her fellow Crusaders set out on their latest quest. One that would turn that weakness into the greatest strength of all.

This is the story of a tale too exciting for any old periods or question marks!

Takes place before S5. Coverart by Egophiliac .

Written entirely because PaulAsaran says I have an “apparent allergic reaction to anything that isn’t a period or question mark.” Obviously, I chose to take that as a challenge to cram as many exclamation points as I could in a story. Hence, this story is dedicated to PaulAsaran and anyone whose teacher has ever denied them the ecstasy of an exclamation point.

Published 2018-11-28 02:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-11-28 02:30:02 UTC

Go Big or Go Home!

Many moons ago, outlaws ruled the seven seas! On any day, you could hear the sounds of bubble guns echoing through the ocean! All the creatures lived in fear, knowing that these battles would soon come to Seaponyville! And when they did, only one seapony was right for the job: Rainbow Splash!

No outlaw was too tough for her, the greatest cowpony in the sea! Even the dreaded Apple Anemone could not stand up to her blasts! But one day, all of that changed! After hearing that every outlaw in Seaquestria had been driven out of town, the sea hydra appeared, a terrifying monster with shark heads and jellyfish tentacles! It knew that there was no way Rainbow Splash could defeat it, so it set sail towards the village!

Rainbow Splash fought bravely, but not even her scales of steel could resist the charges the sea hydra gave off! Whenever she cut off a shark head, an octopus tentacle would replace it! And then, when all hope seemed lost, Rainbow Splash’s trusty sidekick, Scooter Shooter, appeared!

Everypony in the village had ran away, but she had stayed! Because, even though everypony thought she was weak and powerless, Rainbow Splash was the one pony who didn’t! As her official sidekick, Scooter Shooter couldn’t leave her in her time of need! So, when the Sea Hydra wasn’t looking, Scooter set her gun on full blast and made a bubble soooo big, the hydra was trapped within seconds! She waved her gun around one last time and the hydra popped right along with the bubble!

She gave the scene one last look before blowing into her gun’s barrel, satisfied with her success!

“Heh,” she muttered! “How’s that for weak and helpless, ya varmint?!”

Then she and Rainbow Splash fin-bumped and the two lived happily ever after!

****

Just reading the story had made Scootaloo sigh in pure bliss. She wasn’t sure how A.K. Yearling had felt after writing the next great Equestrian novel, but something told her it was just like this. And to think, all these great feelings had come from an assignment she’d originally thought was the most pointless thing ever.

Why do we all have to write in school if nopony has a writing cutie mark? she’d thought back then, when she had been young and foolish and incapable of understanding the enlightenment that could only come from inserting yourself into a story.

Judging from the other students’ reactions, she knew everypony else probably felt the same way. But she wasn’t like them, not anymore. She believed in her story, and she knew that everypony in her class would soon be begging her for more. Obviously, she’d have to introduce new challenges and change that little “happily ever after” if they really wanted more, but A.K. Yearling had only set out to write four Daring Do books, anyway. Such was the sacrifice of a truly popular author.

Today would be an ordinary day for everypony else in the class, everypony who already had cutie marks (other than her two beloved and blank-flanked friends). But today would be the start of her rise to glory as Equestria’s next greatest--

“Wow,” Diamond Tiara muttered as she handed Scootaloo’s assignment over to her. “You really are pathetic.”

And just like that, all the excitement Scootaloo had over her prize composition transformed into utter embarrassment. Why couldn’t Cheerilee have handed each paper out individually, rather than relying on the same dumb “passing around” method that invariably meant that Diamond Tiara would mock her for everything she did? Hay, why did Cheerilee even think it was a good idea to have her sit next to Diamond Tiara in the first place?

“I mean, come on. Is that really the best you can come up with? ‘I’m a sad little orphan just waiting for Rainbow Dash to adopt me?’ I bet it even says you live in your little blank flank clubhouse, too! So cliched. So typical.”

She obviously hasn’t read it, Scootaloo thought with a roll of her eyes. Thank Celestia. That means I can still wow her with my new writer cutie mark, and she’ll be even more surprised I can write!

“But really, it can’t be helped. I’m already going to Saddlespeare performances in Canterlot, so I have more culture in my tail than you have in your entire body. Of course a pony who’s never exposed to great storytelling just gets a B-. It’s the way of the world.”

With a single flip of her mane, Diamond Tiara finally handed the paper over, and the one time Scootaloo hoped she was lying, the truth was there in bright red letters.

“Great story. I can tell you’ve improved your vocabulary, and your imagination is always a sight to behold. Be sure to use less exclamation points next time! Save them for the really exciting moments, so they can pack more of a narrative punch.

--Miss Cheerilee

P.S. If you writing about bubble guns was an indication that you wanted one for Hearth’s Warming this year, be careful! You could shoot your eye out with one of those! The school board makes me tell everypony that, just in case we have any bubble gun-related incidents. Sorry!”

Yeah, Scootaloo thought. I’m sorry, too, for thinking I had any writing talent to speak of.

****

The end of the school day had come and gone, and sure enough, any attention Scootaloo might have gotten from her story was soon eclipsed by Diamond Tiara’s equally-cliched epic about her being crowned as one of Equestria’s princesses. If there was any consolation to be had in this terrible day, everypony forgot about Diamond’s story as soon as math class started.

“You see that?” Scootaloo said to her fellow Crusaders as the three trotted out of school. “She might think she’s so great, but she still lost to fractions!”

“That’s just ‘cause we have a test on ‘em tomorrow,” countered Apple Bloom. “So maybe we should study ‘fore we get into any crazy Crusader shenanigans today.

Sweetie Belle poked Scootaloo’s leg as their mutual friend said this, and Scootaloo promptly noticed that the white unicorn was trying her hardest not to laugh.

“You sound like Twilight,” she said, staring at Apple Bloom. “Can’t we study later? You did say Big Mac really helped you out with your homework yesterday, and he’s usually working the fields after school.”

If Apple Bloom knew Sweetie Belle was trying to fool her, she sure wasn’t showing it. As she nodded her head in agreement, Scootaloo wondered if Sweetie Belle had really improved her deceptive capabilities in the past couple of weeks. Last Scootaloo remembered, their combined attempt at earning a “master of deception” cutie mark hadn’t gone so well, but maybe Sweetie Belle had practiced since then.

“I suppose you’re right,” Apple Bloom finally said. “He’ll be out ‘till dinner, so we’d need to find somethin’ else to do until then. Since Scoots is so down in the dumps about her writing assignment, maybe we could try for an editing cutie mark!”

Sweetie Belle placed a hoof to her mouth and twisted her head in the cool winter breeze.

“Is that really a cutie mark we’d want to try for? Editing just sounds so boring when you’re not being all mean about like Diamond Tiara was on the Foal Free Press.”

“I don’t think bein’ mean is any fun, either.”

“It’s more fun than being an editor!”

And, with that quip about the thankless life of an editor, the two Crusaders burst into raucous laughter, only later realizing that their friend wasn’t laughing along. As they made their way down the familiar path to Sweet Apple Acres, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle then set their minds on a way to remedy that situation.

“It’s okay, Scootaloo,” Sweetie Belle finally said after moments of silence, “Cheerilee told me that a few papers ago, too. I just couldn’t understand why grown-ups didn’t think everything was exciting enough for an exclamation point. Life is supposed to be exciting, and they’re the ones who are wrong!”

Scootaloo stared at Sweetie Belle’s surprisingly revolutionary display for a few seconds, unable to take her eyes off of her best friend’s pumping front hooves. However, just when Sweetie Belle seemed to reach her most passionate state, she placed her hooves back on the ground and blinked as if nothing had happened.

“Anyway, I just started making my stories as exciting as possible, so I could turn my exclamation points into strengths. I even found a way to make my descriptions exciting, and my questions even excitinger!”

“That ain’t a word,” Apple Bloom replied.

In response, Sweetie Belle simply made one of her family’s signature scoffs, which her sister had perfected and which she was destined to inherit.

“It should be, but that’s not the point. The point is that what Cheerilee told you sounds like a perfect Cutie Mark Crusaders challenge.”

“If it’s not editing, then I’m game,” Scootaloo answered, her hopes steadily rising. “What do you have in mind?”

Sweetie Belle stroked her hoof against her chin in deep thought, looking for ways she could pull this off and still have time to cram for her fractions test later.

“Even pro authors can’t write a story exciting enough to require all exclamation points. Many have tried, and just as many have fallen. Even I use periods and question marks in my papers, and I got the most dramatic pony I know to help me with those.”

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo rolled their eyes in response. Even they knew that making jokes about Sweetie Belle’s older sister and her frequent flair for the dramatic were low-hanging fruit. It was like pranking Fluttershy, except much more pathetic. Still, the idea Sweetie Belle was suggesting was clear, and the consequences were even clearer.

“So if we can pull that off, I can get a writing cutie mark for sure!” Scootaloo chimed. “Or at least an A+ on the next paper!”

“You’ve gotta think bigger than that, my friend,” Sweetie Belle said, sweeping Scootaloo into one front leg and extending another towards the sky. “We. Could. Be. Stars!”

As she surveyed the scene, Apple Bloom didn’t think much of Sweetie Belle’s grand gesture. In fact, she was about to say that if she’d reminded Sweetie of Twilight before, then her friend was surely turning into her sister. But she was far too wrapped up in the moment, and the thrill it brought, to make any joke of the sort.

“More importantly,” she said, “we could beat Diamond Tiara at her own game. She may have scored better than you, but that sure wasn’t ‘cause she’s more cultured than you, Scootaloo. Rich ponies are raised to be boring as a rainy sunset. I mean, just look at my aunt and uncle out in Manehattan.”

She reached into her saddlebag and pulled out a huge wallet, filled entirely with photos of her various family members. Somehow, the fact that she carried this around on a regular basis was even less shocking to Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo than her closet full of bows.

After a few minutes of searching, Apple Bloom finally found an old black-and-white photograph of her Manehattan relatives, and sure enough, both of their eyes were half-shut.

“We should probably be getting to writing now if we want Big Mac to help us,” Scootaloo admitted, “but I gotta ask--are you sure the photographer didn’t just get them at a bad time?”

“Nah, they’re always like that. At least, my uncle’s always like that--I think I’ve seen Aunt Orange smile once, maybe? Last reunion, I tried everything to get Uncle Orange to smile--I made him a pie, I told him jokes, I even had Pinkie show up with her one-pony band get-up! And then, I showed him this cute puppy somepony was trying to sell in the market. Pinkie says even Maud smiles when she sees a puppy!”

With an exhausted sigh of relief, Apple Bloom trotted towards the clubhouse, urging the other Crusaders to follow. She’d never admit it, but telling Scootaloo all of that had gotten her frustrations about the matter off her chest, in some incredibly weird way.

“Can I just tell you something before we go in there?” Scootaloo finally said. “You might not like it, but--”

She suddenly trailed off, as if she was intentionally stretching out the statement for full dramatic potential.

“Your uncle sounds like the type of pony who would kick puppies.”

“I know,” Apple Bloom replied. “But I really don’t think you could write an exciting story about that. Much less the most exciting story in the universe.”

And, with that, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were off on their most exciting, and challenging, quest ever.

****

During the first hour of said quest, absolutely nothing happened. The Crusaders themselves were in varying states of writer’s block, with one occasionally pitching ideas as the others fiddled around with their pens and paper. While writing the most exciting story in the universe sounded thrilling in principle, in practice, it seemed nothing short of monotonous.

“I know!” Scootaloo said about ten minutes into the brainstorming session. “What about a story where ponies save the world?”

“Our sisters do that all the time,” Sweetie Belle replied. “And according to this dictionary I just found, if something’s going to be exciting, it also has to be rare.”

“What if we saved the world?”

“That’s not that strange, either. Tons of books are about foals saving the world! If we want to be exciting, then we have to stand out!”

In the meantime, Apple Bloom was carefully scanning Scootaloo’s original story in search of aspects to make it even more exciting. Already, the three had begun to give up on coming up with their own ideas.

“I still don’t get why you made my sis a villain,” she muttered, “but the sea hydra’s pretty cool. Any exciting story’s got to have a good villain.”

So far, that was about as far as any of them had gotten in their ambitious pursuit. All they knew was that somehow, the major events of the story had to take place on sea, so the sea hydra could still appear in all its glory. A romantic subplot had been nixed just about as soon as it was proposed, since romance, too, was about as exciting to young fillies as a rainy sunset. But other than that, nopony had come up with anything.

“Mother of Celestia,” Apple Bloom finally said, “I can see now why nopony’s ever tried this kinda thing before. Maybe gettin’ a writing cutie mark wouldn’t be up my alley after all.”

“Yeah,” Sweetie Belle sighed, “why can’t we just have our characters give up, like we’re about to?”

For the slightest of moments, that idea was as tempting to Scootaloo as it was to everypony else. At this point, even fractions had to be easier than coming up with a story exciting enough to require all exclamation points. When she really thought about it, the whole idea of such a story made no sense, anyway. What if a character asked a question? What if they didn’t feel like being dramatic all the time? What if they lost hope?

What if they lost their inner exclamation point?

What if I already have? Scootaloo asked herself before remembering the most important thing about the stories she loved.

“We can’t give up!” she finally said. “Because giving up isn’t exciting! It’s one of the most boring things you can do! And if that’s what growing up means, I won’t give in! I’ll keep going on this path, even if it’s impossible, because my friends will be following me the whole way! Friendship is what’s really exciting about this world!”

Rather than eager smiles from her friends, though, Scootaloo was greeted with blank and confused stares after she finished her passionate speech.

“You heard somethin’ like that in a movie once, didn’t ya?” Apple Bloom finally said.

“Yeah, I thought it’d work, at least,” admitted Scootaloo. “It was pretty cheesy, but I figured it’d help.”

“And it did!” Sweetie Belle shouted. “Hearing that makes me want to go all in on this thing! In fact, I think a friendship speech would be just the thing to make our story as exciting as it could be!”

Scootaloo reflected on it for a few short moments before shaking her head.

“Honestly, I was gonna go with pirates,” she spoke, “but your idea sounds more exciting. Friendship on the open ocean and fighting sea hydras left and right sounds pretty good to me. If Cheerilee shared the pirate story with her friends, Nurse Redheart would probably tell us getting scurvy isn’t too exciting, and then the whole plan would be ruined.”

“How ‘bout we just write a story ‘bout pirates and not tell Redheart about it?” Apple Bloom suggested with a devilish gleam in her eye.

All three Crusaders nodded at the same time as the sun started to set in the sky, knowing that they wouldn’t have much time left before Big Mac returned. But then again, a story like this one had to be told quickly, at a breakneck pace to match its hectic twists and turns. Anything slower than that, and the readers would surely catch on, so the Crusaders wouldn’t have it any other way. As the three of them picked up their pens and prepared to alternate telling their story, the time went just as quickly as they imagined it would. And even if it wasn’t literary, or beautiful, or perfect, even if none of them earned their cutie marks, they stared at it with nothing short of astonishment in the end. Their friendship had created something wonderful, and it had created something new.

As night fell and the Crusaders basked in each other’s company, Sweetie Belle whispered what Scootaloo had been thinking ever since she sat down to write her story.

“I think the three of us were already the most exciting story in the universe.”

Author's Note

Uncle Orange is basically the Michael Eisner to my Defunctland anyway, so I figured I might as well put a joke at his expense in here. My apologies to him, and any editors I might have offended.

This story came out of the sudden realization that I don't use enough exclamation points, and the way children write with so many of them. Something changes for us writers in between then and now, and while exclamation mark overuse is a real thing, I'd like to explore them more now, like a child. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this story!