Colt Grylls: 'Everfree Survival'

by Tropical Octave

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Adventure, Slice of Life
Length: 2050

Colt Grylls shows us how to survive in the harsh conditions of the Everfree forest.

"The Everfree forest, on the border of Ponyville the Everfree is an exotic mixture of serenity, chaos, wildlife...and danger. Should you ever find yourself lost in the Everfree, the odds of survival are slim to none. That's why I'm here, Colt Grylls, to give you an in depth guide to making it out of the Everfree alive."

This is; Colt Grylls: Survival Stallion Extraordinaire.

Published 2012-08-07 15:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-07 15:24:01 UTC

Day One: Touchdown

Colt Grylls is trained in extreme survival techniques. He and the crew receive support when they are in potentially life-threatening situations, as required by health and safety regulations. Professional advice should be always be sought before entering any dangerous environment.

"This week folks, I'm going to show you how to survive the harsh conditions of Equestria's own Everfree Forest. The forest isn't what you would think, being completely uncontrollable to outside forces. Even our Princess can't make a dent in this Celestia forsaken place. That's why I'm here, Colt Grylls, to give you the know-how on how to survive it."

This is...Pony Vs. Wild.

The sound of air ripping past Colt was deafening, he was being flown thousands of feet over the Everfree canopy below him. Colt and his trusty camera operator, Boom Stick, were getting ready to parachute out of a pegasus-drawn chariot.

"Hey everypony, today I'm going to show you how to survive in the Everfree Forest, where dozens of curious ponies lose their lives every year! I'm going to parachute out of this chariot here and glide down into that canopy below!" Shouted Colt Grylls, expert survivor stallion.

Colt pointed a forehoof in the direction of what looked like a small clearing, smack-dab in the middle of the Everfree forest.

"Wish me luck!" Colt mouthed, uttering a silent prayer to Celestia before leaping head first from the pegasus-drawn chariot.

An inaudible "Here we go again..." Was uttered from Boom Stick, leaping after Colt once again into the unknown.

The two Earth ponies were now freefalling from several thousand feet, falling like meteors to the surface. The canopy of the Everfree fast approaching, Colt began to shout.

"Okay everypony, we're currently descending at a blistering one-hundred and twenty miles per hour! If you're an earth pony or a unicorn who doesn't know how to teleport, listen up! After about fifteen seconds you reach what's called 'terminal velocity', meaning you can't go any faster if you tried! It's important to deploy your parachute a safe height about the ground, or you'll be flatter than a pancake on mother's day!" Colt yelled towards the camera, which then pointed down at the fast-approaching canopy below.

Pulling the cord to his parachute, Colt exited his free-fall after a brisk fifteen seconds. Gliding down towards the clearing, the two finished their descent with a thud.

"Whew! Now that's what I'd like to call a rush!" Colt exclaimed, beckoning to his surroundings.

The chirping of birds could be heard for miles around, swathing the area with a tranquil symphony of peeps and caws.

"Ain't that something huh? How often do you hear that in the city?"

The camera swayed in a 360 around the clearing, taking in the luscious canopy that was the Everfree.

"How a place like this can be so deadly surprises even a hardened survivor such as myself. But, I didn't spend seven years in Celestia's royal guard and not learn a thing or two about this place. To the inexperienced eye, the Everfree is just another forest. To me though, it's a deathtrap."

Colt bent over towards the parachute he'd used to descend, picked up a small stone, and began to cut the cording that ran through the parachute.

"The first thing you want to do is take any parachute cable you can," Colt began, starting to cut out the white colored nylon that made up the parachute's exoskeleton. "It can prove invaluable in life or death situations." Colt said finishing his cutting, now fast moving towards the center of the clearing.

"What you want to do now is find out which way is North, now their's a simple trick on how to do just that," Colt exclaimed, brandishing his hoof-watch. "What you can do is with your watch, line up the hour hoof with the sun, then find the spot between the hour hoof and 12 o' clock. That will bring you northwards," Colt said, adjusting himself as he turned towards the sun.

"If that way is South...then this is North," Colt emphasized, pointing a fore-hoof in the direction of North. "We want to be heading East in the direction of Ponyville, a small quiet town, right on the border of the Everfree."

Getting back up on all hooves, Colt began his trek Eastward through the dense canopy of the Everfree forest.

Colt Vs. Wild

"Okay everypony, what's the most important thing you need to survive in the wilderness? I'll give you a hint, it's not water," Colt said to the camera, pushing aside a thick vine. "It's a keen sense of direction, a good perception, and a sharp eye. You never know when the dangers of Everfree will decide to make a meal outta ya."

Colt brushed past several more vines, eventually coming to a small clearing, overgrown with small blue and purple bulbs.

"Just look here now, those flowers sure are pretty huh? That there's none other than poison joke. I had a run in with it me-self once, heh," Colt chuckled, breaking into a grin. "Let's just say that the Mrs. won't be soon forgetting. This just goes to show you, the flora is just as, if not more dangerous than the fauna out here in Everfree."

Colt continued wearily, making sure to avoid the poison joke. Making to take a sip from his canteen, Colt realized that he'd used the last of it.

"Well, this was bound to happen eventually. If you ever find yourself without water, there are a number of ways to get more," Colt said, beckoning towards a long, thick green vine that ran the length of a tree. "Why, this here vine should be practically flowing with water."

Biting into the thick green tube, Colt ripped it down it's side with relative ease. Unfortunately, no water emerged from the reluctant cluster.

"Well, that's just a shame. With the weather being uncontrollable out here, nopony can be sure when the last time Celestia's rain has graced the forest. I suppose we'll just have to keep looking." Colt sighed, turning towards what looked like a bog.

Before walking further into the bog however, Colt stopped at a berry bush.

"Would you look at that? Fresh raspberries just sitting here, waiting for a hungry pony to come by and pick em'." The adventurer said with a warm smile, removing his hat. "Why, I can fill my entire hat with these."

Picking roughly thirty ripe raspberries, Colt put each one into his hat.

"Ahh, nothing quite beats raspberries when you're walking through the forest. Remember folks, not all berries are edible. Their's a simple way to remember which ones are edible and which ones aren't, it's an old rhyme I heard when I was in training. It went something like this; 'White and yellow, kill a fellow. Purple and red, you won't be dead.' I know it's silly, but it'll save your life."

Colt finished his berry-picking, handing some to Boom Stick. Colt then turned his attention back towards the bog, hoping to maybe get a drink after the long walk he just went through.

Colt Vs. Wild

Walking into a marshland, Colt began to watch his steps more closely as he continued eastward towards Ponyville.

"Lookie here folks, it seems Celestia's smiled upon me today," Colt grunted, trekking through thick mud that was strewn throughout a large percentage of the Everfree. "We've just entered a bog. While most adventurers would see this as something that would otherwise impede them, I see possibility."

Colt got down on his knees, then with his bare hooves, began digging a small hole.

"You see, urk, the water here is undrinkable, ll' make a full grown stallion keel over in mere weeks. But there is a way to get some pureified water, uggh, if you're willing to go the extra mile."

Finishing his digging, Colt bent down and put his snout into the newly dug hole and began slurping up the muddy water.

"Gah, it's no dandelion wine, but it's better than drinking straight from the bog. These waters are filled with P-coli, parasites, and general bad things for you. Letting it pass through the dirt will keep out most of those, and, most importantly, keep you off the toilet. Why, just last year a buddy of mine was-" Blllearrghisss Colt stopped, jerking his head in the direction of the noise.

"Sweet Celestia! It's a hydra!" Colt swore under his breath, dragging the camera into mud puddle in front of him. "Get in the water, quick!"

The camera followed Colt into the murky water that made up the bog, tilting out just enough to get a shot of the horrific beast that was a hydra. The two made their way in the direction of a large tree jutting from the depths, taking cover within it's thick bark.

"Now, that there is a hydra. One of the deadliest creatures in the Everfree," Colt whispered, making sure to keep his voice down. Alerting the hydra to his location wasn't something he wanted to do. "Hydras can rip a pony in half with about as much ease as a stallion killing an ant. Having several heads, they can look in all directions if they wanted too. Trust me, unless you've been trained by Celestia herself, don't mess with a hydra.

The camera panned back towards the beast, panning up and down it's length and taking in it's full ferocity. The hydra had a good dozen heads, all seeming to be fighting with each other. Having so many conflicting heads, the hydra was barely able to walk in a single direction. A terrible hissing could be heard for miles around, alerting all in the area of itself.

"Okay, let's get out of here. The sun's starting to set and we'll need shelter soon, after all, the Everfree is infamous for claiming the lives of fillies who get lost after dusk. C'mon, let's move." Colt whispered glancing towards the hydra one last time.

As colt began to exit the bog a single hydra head shot up out of curiosity, narrowing it's eyes at the sight of two ponies in it's bog. Being the weakest of the heads though, it knew not to question the other heads. Knowing that there's trespassers in the Everfree, the head swore the ponies would pay soon enough.

Colt Vs. Wild

"Whew, it's a good thing that hydra didn't spot us or we'd have been goners for sure," Colt said wearily, now a good mile away from the bog. "But right now, we need shelter and fire for the night. For most, the Everfree at night is an unforgiving mistress, looking to claim it's next victims. To me though, it's an opportunity to listen to your surroundings, maybe try and hear what's in the area. in on local."

Climbing the nearest pine tree, Colt managed his way to the top. Taking his hat off in astonishment, he looked out into the distance. The moon was starting to creep its way onto the horizon, while the sun was finishing it's path through the sky.

"Wow, isn't that something. How such beauty can be so deadly..." Colt stopped, looking in the direction of a faint clucking noise.

"You hear that? That sounds like dinner," Colt began, starting his descent from the pine tree. "You may be asking, 'But Colt? You aren't going to eat meat now are you?'"

Grinning deviously, Colt re-assured his viewers. "Of course not, I'm a survivor, not a monster. This chicken will likely be used as a warning device for other predators. But, if worse comes to worse..." Colt said frowning.

Colt began walking in the direction of the noise, growing louder with each step until he saw the head of the wild farm animal.

"Ready?" Colt whispered, now mere feet from the bird. "One...Two...Three!" Colt shouted, jumping the chicken and grabbing it with his forehooves.

This was no mere chicken however. The beast's head did a 180 and, moving towards the sky, rose several feet higher than Colt.

"That's no chicken! It's a cockatrice! There's only one way to handle these, RUN! Screamed the hardened adventurer, breaking into a full gallop in an attempt to avoid being turned to stone.

"Well, isn't this just my luck..." Colt cursed, running at Boom Stick's side.