Ladies and Gentleman... Your Heroes...
Discord, scion of all things madness and spirit of Chaos, paced midair before a tree made of the brightest crystal. His thoughts ran rampant throughout the holes in his head, randomly picking one from its current stream, he eyed it critically before flicking at the soil before the tree.
“Oh don't give me that look!” He seemed to snap at the tree. “What else am I supposed to do!? It's like I can't even reason with her anymore!” He shouted, arms outstretched in frustration.
The mystical tree showed no signs of a response, save for the smallest inkling of light bouncing from its leaves.
Discord flinched, turning away as he began to seriously pout, gazelle horn fuming like a train whistle. “And why would I need outside help!?” He turned back round as he waved a curled claw at the tree, sighing as he slumped to the ground. “No… fair point. I can't directly influence the world… what else am I supposed to-” Discord felt a blunt point prod his lion paw, lifting it to find a crystal flower bulb.
The spirit of chaos eyed the bulb curiously as he started to scratch fragments of his skin off with his eagle claw. As the flakes fell, another bulb had sprout in response. Confused and shocked, he looked at the tree.
“What do you mean we just summoned our champions!?”
“Okay why did it a pop up ask me for character creation?” a guy known as Black night sun on fimfiction asked as he looked at his phone. This guy was pretty tall and was an avid undertale fan, he had a hat on backwards and was barefoot as he was in his room like he usually was.
As soon as he started creating his character he found he couldn't stop. He immediately designed Betty from glitchtale as his base Vessel adding in powers from Dragon Quest, chaos energy from Sonic and Chaos Magic from Bill Cipher and Discord himself and as soon as he clicked confirm everything turned white.
Rain. It was all he seemed to know these days… That and the sounds of an old acoustic and the clinking of several empty glass bottles.
“Oh fucking hell, two dollar moonshine is so fucking good…” The disheveled wreck of an aging young man took a look at his nigh empty bottle as he wondered if it was a good idea to drink what was basically non lethal rubbing alcohol.
Sighing, he put the bottle down and began to unwind the tightened strings of his guitar…
*Ding*
Until a notification from his phone took his attention. “Swear to God… if this isn't important…
“Welcome to Uncle Lovecraft's Horror Time Fun Show!” A Youtube notification read. Swiping it away, he gave his phone a good glare as he read another note.
“Beta testers wanted! Project: Fighter, Character Creation Sheet!”
“Weird…” Curious, he gave the note the time of day so as to sate his curiosity.
He looked upon a rather detailed outline of just what he was able to use for this supposed game. “Huh… these guys really covered their bases…”
“Alright… A bit of Wildstorm… Drills to pierce the heavens… Sakuya-San aaaaand fuck it, Fist of the North Star.”
“Base Vessel: Grifter, secondary abilities: Spiral Power, Auxilaries: ZA WARUDO, OMAE WA MOU… SHINDEIRU.
Okay but seriously? A maid that throws knives around? Is that really alright with you?”
“Well screw you too disembodied A.I…” With a single click, his world was gone.
Discord once again found himself pacing before the tree, his frustrations and worry quite palpable. “Yes, I know I smell like lemons!” He shouted at the tree as he wiped away an ocean of lime juice from his face, the small sprouts within the cave having grown rather sizeable now.
This last catalyst however had been just what the doctor ordered, as the bulbs had begun to shudder violently.
The first to come out with a girl pink tipped brown hair that was wearing a purple and pink sweater that had on a pink skirt and brown shoes where the whites of Their Eyes Were was a light pink and her pupils being a darker pink, this girl also radiated a high amount of Chaos making Discord glad he made sure no one was able to detect what was going on here.
The second body to slide out onto the floor was a tall male dressed in a sizeable dark green overcoat, a pitch black long sleeve shirt adorned with two crossed bandoliers, large red gloves, tan brown cargo pants hidden at the ankles by knee high combat boots, and a red bandana fashioned into a mask. Short golden hair topped his head, and an immense spiritual force thrummed off his body.
“Eugh… I’ll need to handle you with a bit more care…” Discord mused as he touched the military garbed body with a ten foot pole.
He turned his attention back to the girl however as he propped her body back up and brought out a bit of smelling salts. “Please don't outright attack…”
The girl moaned before starting to open her eyes she looked up at Discord confused for a second.
“Am I Dreaming?” the girl asked before covering her mouth in surprise. She then looked down and started examining her body, she grabbed her bubbling 14 year old chest. “I'm a girl! I'm also a kid…why am I kid!?” the girl yelled as she started freaking out which then turned into her laughing and giggling.
“Hmm… Just the right amount of crazy,” Discord commented. “Please do me a favor and wake up our friend, I’d do it but he reeks of untamed holy power…” Discord asked as he pointed to the other unconscious body.
The girl got up straightening out her skirt before going over to the boy and starting to nudge him with her foot.
“No ma… Five more minutes…” He groaned. He was been kicked hard enough to roll them over but not hard enough to do any damage.
“Ack, por el amor de Dios… I’m up I’m up…” He grabbed his head and rubs it for a second before the sound of tongue clicks echoed from behind his mask. “Huh, six bottles of back alley mezcal and I’m not dead yet... “ He looked about the room as he pulled off his mask, revealing incredibly soft features and bright brown eyes. “Scratch that, I’m either in Hell or Purgatory.”
“Sorry, but you're not in hell cuz I'm in heaven!” the girl said happily doing a little spin.
“Super annoying moe teen with pink hair tips? Yep… Hell.” The man said as he slumped his back onto the floor. “Wonder who I pissed off…”
“You're not in hell because I just became a teen with pink hair tips AKA Betty noire from glitchtale!” the now named Betty said Crossing her arms.
“Yeah, and I’m Cash Cole.” ‘Cash’ Replied sarcastically with a roll of his eyes.
“Well, about that…” Discord muttered, catching Cash’s attention.
“Oh fuck that's Discord…” Cash replied breathlessly as he grabbed his mask and started to push himself backwards.
“So, Discord… why did you call us here and I swear to God if you mention the caribou I'm going to find a way to make it back to my universe because I am not dealing with those gang-raping bastards!” Betty said as there were only a few scenarios that could possibly be happening right now.
Discord quickly waved his arms about. “No, no no no no…. Nothing like that.”
“good, because quite frankly I didn't feel like dealing with any of that, so if I'm not here to deal with caribou then does that mean Celestia's fucking up... Please don't tell me she has a conversion serum…” Betty said visibly relieved.
“Actually, it seems she's decided to… bring harmony to ponies everywhere.” Discord replied as he waved his claw and paw.
“Nope, not dealing with this,” Cash said as he got up. “It's one thing to write about this shit, it's another thing to live it…” He then walked up to Discord and brought up his arms. “Send me home.”
Discord then began to loll his head back and forth. “I… Can't. You're here, you deal.”
Cash brought his arms forward, bringing out a pair of blaster pistols aimed at Discord. “Wrong answer. Send me back!”
“Okay calm the fuck down, I know you don't want to be here but you're here, you're stuck and we have a sun tyrant to kick the ass of…” Betty said as she went over towards Cash.
Cash seemed unflinching, only to sigh as Discord started to move the firearms away. “Well, now that we’re all friends here…”
“I don't know who she is.” Cash replied as he leaned on the cave wall and looked at the Tree of Harmony.
“And I’d say you do, ‘Fifty Five-Fifty Five’.” Discord gave in retort, causing Cash to Flinch and bring out a larger firearm as he aimed at Discord once more.
“Get the fuck out of my head!” Cash yelled, finger shaking on the hand cannon’s trigger.
“You do realize that's kind o Discord's thing right? I mean look what he did to the main six.” Betty said giving a deadpan at the taller boy.
Sighing, Cash put away his gun again as he started to rub his head. “You give me my baby, and maybe I’ll help you.”
Scoffing, Discord snapped his claws. “Done.” A brown and finely lacquered guitar fell into Cash’s arms. He stared longingly at the acoustic as he rubbed the Umbreon and Sylveon stickered onto the body.
“I also want my phones and have them permanently connected to the internet!”Betty said hoping to get her phones back to.
“You get one,” Discord replied as he snapped once more. “Don't worry, you’ll still have internet access.”
“I want my old phone fused with my new phone with having all the best things about both and none of the bad things then.” Betty said as she had things on both phones that she wanted to keep.
Discord raised his eyebrow, snapping his talons to do so. “No more requests, I don't need Celly on my back just yet.”
“Oh I'm happy, but can you add one tiny little thing? make it where I can buy any Google app!” Betty asked putting her hands up into a clasping motion and giving big sorrowful eyes.
Discord looked at Betty for a time, before looking at Cash. “Well, you must be wondering what your job is here!” Discord exclaimed happily and with clasped claw/paw.
Cash tilted his head as he strapped his guitar to his back, saying nothing.
“Hmm, tough crowd…” Discord snapped his talon, the pair finding themselves on a wide and comfy couch surrounded by snacks of all variation. “You two are here because Celestia is slowly going insane and declaring war on the world.” Discord stated as he slapped a projector screen with a rod, an image of the Equis world map appearing from seemingly nowhere as the cave grew dim.
“Hence the choice in powers?” Cash asked.
“At least it isn't the conversion Bureau…” Betty said shuttering.
Discord looked as if several insects of massive size had begun to crawl under his skin as he squirmed mid air. “Yes, well… for now,” Two small badges poofed into the pairs laps, each stamped with the Elements of Harmony. “Take these to Ponyville and make contact with the locals, they’ll start to shine when you're near one of the corresponding girls,” The map was switched with the brown and black images of six ponies.
“Don't worry, the moment you meet any of them, their butts will light up with your doo dads.” A close up of a pony’s flank, adorned with a cloud and lightning bolt appeared after the image of the group of ponies.
“And they’ll consider us friendly?” Cash asked with a raised hand and cynical tone.
“Yeah I'm going to have to go with him on this considering I probably reek of Chaos…” Betty said with a deadpan.
“No… Not at first…” Discord lamented. “Show them the badges as best you can while not fighting back,” He pointed to the screen again, a butterfly appearing. “Find Fluttershy, she’ll be the easiest to convince, especially if she knows I sent you.”
“Twilight,” Cash spoke up. “Has no doubt felt everything that just happened here,” He crossed his legs, leaned in, and placed his chin on his knuckles. “What happens if she gets here first?”
Discord ran his paw along his face, stretching it down comically. “Pray to whatever god you subscribe to that you can run faster than she can.”
“ I have a spell called Bounce that can reflect Magic!” Betty said with a smirk as she put her hands on her hips..
“And I can stop time apparently,” Cash added. “So what's the problem?”
Discord poofed out an old timey number cruncher and was now wearing brown slacks, black suspenders, a white collared shirt with rolled up sleeves and a see through plastic green solar visor. Viciously tapping away, he finished and tore out the long slip of paper.
It read: She's gone psychosomatic, she's crazy in the coconut.
“Her newfound madness has… skewed her view of allies as well as augment her mystical prowess, and unless you rally the others first, she will copy your skills, she will capture you alive, and you will regret it.”
“ then I'll just have to eat her soul…” Betty said suppressing the shiver of disgust.
“And that's a bad idea because…” Cash sighed as he leaned on the armrest of the couch, now eyeing a ball of chocolate.
Discord seemed a little lost until he perked up. “Hmm, oh! Yes… right…”
“I just don't like the thought of eating Souls it's not really a bad idea… at least in my opinion.”Betty said
Discord shrugged as he tapped the screen again, showing Twilight smiling with conviction standing before a massive machine. “We need Twi because she's the only one that knows how to use that.”
“okay, I have an idea I rip out her soul eat it suck down most of its energy then bring it out to do stuff for me.” Betty said getting thoroughly pissed that she had all this power and nothing really to do with it.
“You just want to kill something don't you?” Cash asked, now casually chewing on his piece of chocolate.
“I have all of this power and nothing to do with it! I. Need. This!” Betty replies emphasizing the last three words.
Discord started tapping his chin. “Tell ya what, she gets to you first and if you can beat her without drawing attention to yourselves, she's yours.”
“What do you mean, if?” Cash asked, now munching on popcorn.
The image flickered to the machine again. “This is… actually, I don't know what this is, but I do know that it wasn't what made her crazy, but it did augment ALL of her skills,” The light returned to the cave and Discord snapped away the screen. “Please, I know that having this power at your disposal is- no you know what?”
He pulled out a rather thick bound packet and threw it at the tree. “They should be allowed some leniency!” He shouted at the tree, causing Discord to flinch and gasp. “No I don't want them to hurt Fluttershy!”
“I won't hurt Fluttershy! she's actually my favorite Pony, tied for first place with Princess Luna.” Betty said actually offended at the thought of hurting the shy one, after all she had a Vengeance boner for Gilda after seeing her make Fluttershy cry once.
“Look, I don't do diplomacy,” Cash replied. “If they attack me, they're getting put down.”
“Try not to kill too many of them, we need them to figure out what's actually going on,” Discord explained. “Twilight is your only real problem, and I would suggest at least having the farm girl in your corner first.”
“I make no promises! Besides who can actually stop me, Michael mc doesn't exist?” Betty said mockingly.
Unbeknownst to the group, a shadowy figure had leaned down from the ceiling, took some popcorn and left a note.
“Either way, we should get to work,” Cash replied as he got to his feet and started to stretch, reaching for the popcorn bowl again, only to find a note. “Greetings from Michael McDoesn't Exist?” He asked as he looked at Discord.
“Don't look at me, I didn't write it.” He argued as he put his arms up in defense of himself.
“Well shit…” Betty said with a blank expression.
Shrugging, Cash pocketed the note and made his way for the cave entrance, only to stop and pull out a scoped rifle. “Guys… how many people know we’re here?”
“I put up several runes to hide my presence,” Discord replied, only to look at the Tree. “What do you mean I forgot to hide your magic!?”
“hopefully only the overly Gaudy Crystal Tree and the Miss Matched Frankenstein wannabe.” Betty said with a teasing smirk.
Cash groaned as he slumped onto his stomach. “We have contact, and I’ve never used one of these before…”
“Who!?” Discord yelled.
“Ponies in purple armor, one of them is orange and has a blue mohawk… Probably Sentry…”
“You mean I get to kill Flash Sentry!? Best. day. ever!” Betty yelled out where a fist pump.
A loud boom echoed within the cave, followed by a loud boom and a massive burst of green energy. “No, I get to kill Sentry.”
“ then I get shining armor!” Betty yelled out.
“Have fun you two…” Discord groaned as he folded out of existence.
“I don't see him in this wave… but there are a shit ton of ponies scrambling around…” Cash dusted himself off and put away his rifle. “You comin’?”
“What are you fuckers doing here!” Betty yells out to all of the guards as she teleports into view of them.
“Well, the pri-” One of the soldiers had started to speak until another shoved a hoof in their mouth and started to bark.
“By orders of her Royal Highness, Princess Twilight of Magic, we are here for your hides!” He pointed at Betty and Cash. “The Tree of Harmony, and the traitor Discord! NOW KNEEL SO WE MAY DO TO YOU AS OUR GREAT LEADER HAS BID US!!!” He cried like a crazed madman, smile threatening to tear his mouth asunder.
“Um… I’m pretty sure they killed Flash too.” Another spoke up.
“NO ONE CARED ABOUT THAT MOUTH BREATHER!” The soldier in charge yelled at his subordinate.
“Okay let me ask you all a question, do any of you know Soul magic? specifically of the red variety.” Betty asked with the completely bored expression.
The soldiers all tilted their heads, flinching as the soft spoken soldier had tried to walk away. All eyes on the meek earth pony.
“We-well… Princess Twilight had us all study magic as an entrance exam into her guard, and I didn't really see any way to… Actually do any magic…”
“Ahem, Soldier, as your superior, I order you to fight for your Princess.” The lead soldier stated.
“You do realize you're sending him to his death right? As much as I hate to say it the only way you could have even had a chance at fighting me was with a red soul…” Betty said not worried at all as she changed her weapon from a scythe to a sword and covered it in electricity.
The rather meek soldier started to back away, but the other soldiers started to bring him forward and practically threw him off the stairs.
“Um… is there anyway you’d consider sparing me? I rather like the research I’ve done… and I was planning on handing in my resignation…” He said as he put a hoof to his armored chest
“ sure I'm only here because the overly Gaudy Crystal Tree and the Miss Matched Frankenstein wannabe wanted me to defeat the corrupt ponies in charge, I think the names were Celestia and Twilight?” Betty said as she slung the lightning at the other ponies hitting every one of them
Flinching and actually throwing himself to the ground, the soldier got back up and dusted his armor off. “Yes… it was rather a shame what happened to Twilight… um… when you said red soul… did you mean this?” He sat on his haunches and brought his hoof out, a small and rather translucent red heart hovered upon it
“Holyshit how did you get a human soul!?” Betty asked actually backing up from it. She had no intentions of actually coming near any determination.
“D-don't tell anyone… I… I came from the mirror…” He whispered as he put his heart away.
“Okay but in exchange you don't fight me under any circumstances…” Betty says happy to keep the red Soul far away from her.
“Done! Will it be alright if I stayed here with the tree? I need a place to hide…” He said as he shrunk in on himself.
“I don't think that's smart…” Cash muttered.
“Okay you will be the protector of the tree and in Exchange I will teach you how to use your soul.” Betty said as even if the Red soul user in front of her decided to betray them Betty figured she would be way more powerful due to her abilities.
The soldier happily started to unclip his armor, revealing brown fur with white and black spots, unkempt and puffy brown mane, and a tail bound up to look like a lion’s tail. Three tilted paw prints were stamped on his flanks. “Calico at your service m’am!”
Within the dungeons of Twilight's castle, a massive machine gently hummed and whirred with power.
“Spike~” Twilight called, clacking away at a terminal on said machine.
“Y-yeah?” Spike had called out worryingly, tugging at a steel collar on his neck as he navigated his massive form to Twilight.
“What do you think Discord’s up to?” She asked sweetly, clipping a leash onto the collar, causing Spike to flinch.
“I wouldn't know… he stopped coming by remember?” He got a gentle tug in response.
“That's okay sweetie~” She pulled harder as she started to squeeze his face and make kissy faces. “It doesn't matter what he’s told you! He’s wrong~” She cheered as she let go, only to flinch and turn around in rage at the door being opened, the soldier unflinching as he walked into the room. “I gave specific orders not to be disturbed~” She said, regaining her sweet demeanor.
“Ch’eah, but only if it's like… really important news.” He replied as he bowed.
Twilight angrily squint her eyes, tugging at Spike’s leash as she ordered him to lick her. The dragon did as instructed as the knight got onto his message.
“Like… our forces were killed cept for one most unrighteous dude, your Highness, dude.”
“And?” Twilight growled out.
“Flash Sentry was in that troop.” Twilight audibly gasped, slapping her hoof on Spike’s tongue.
“Flashy!? Oh there will be blood to pay!!” She shouted, her mane and tail flaring in mystic fire. Calming down, she pulled on Spike's leash once more. “Spikey~ Did I tell you to stop?”
Flinching, Spike resumed his licking, rolling his tongue along Twilight's barrel. Twilight giggled as she bounced from side to side in utter glee.
“That's like… not even the full report Your Most Excellency,” The knight continued. “There’s like… those human dudes down by the tree? Wicked stuff man…”
Twilight cooed, walking to the knight as she pulled along on Spike's leash as he followed, his tongue now upon her flanks.
“Tell me more about these… humans~”
Canterlot City… a shining beacon to the whole of the Equestrian way of life. The ‘Pony’ way of life. Sitting upon an ivory throne nestled deep within the heart of the city, Princess Celestia hummed happily to herself.
“Soon… this world will be just as our forefathers envisioned… such a shame you're not here to see it Lulu.”
It had been quite some time since the old castle had fallen, soon moved and remodeled as a vicious spire and laid into the very center of the city… some called it a monument to all of Equestria’s sin, some also had their heads removed from their body, but that was neither here nor there.
Celestia had begun to uncork a stylized bottle engraved with an apple, until one of her guards had come rushing in as a scroll popped into Celestia’s vision.
“Please, take a moment to catch your breath,” Celestia urged. “Wine?” She offered with a sultry smile.
Wanting not to catch the now legendary ire of his princess, the soldier nod his head as he gasped out for air. “Y-your Highness… our mages have…”
“Noticed an increase in magical force emanating from within Ponyville, it's alright, I’m certain it's only Twilight playing with the Tree of Harmony.” She levitated a filled glass to the soldier who accepted the liquid with a deep bow.
“Yes, of course your highness… how foolish of me.” He took a slow sip, not noticing Celestia’s mane had begun to cover his vision.
“Twilight has actually sent us a note now, why don't you read it for me, hm?” Celestia asked as she was muzzle to muzzle with her guard.
“D-dearest Princess Celestia,” The guard began as he trembled, nearly dropping his drink. He wet his throat with the liquid before he continued. “It is with deepest regret to inform you… that two very powerful organisms of no doubt Harmonic origins have done away with some of my favorite toys, I believe Discord has gone off the deep end and may in fact be an enemy to us… Your ever faithful Student… Twilight Sparkle…”
“Hmm~ It was only a matter of time really…” Celestia breathed out into the soldier’s ear. “I’m not mad if that's what you think…” She pulled away as a wing grazed along the guard’s armor, slicing it off from the contact alone as magic gripped his tail. “Finish that glass, I need to relax after that bit of bad news~”
The screams were heard for miles, or so they say…
Author's Note
Hey... Would you look at that... What? This is the... Third story with my name on it? (Fourth if you count my involvement in Dreemur Adventures) I honestly don't know how this came about. This one chapter which I was going to split but didn't because lazy was made in the span of... Three? Two hours.
-sigh- What even is my life...
