Helicopter-Tank-Castle-of-Scootaloo

by Wanderer D

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Scootaloo, Random, Adventure
Length: 2875

Captain Scootaloo must rescue Princess Dash from the Shadowbolts!

Captain Scootaloo of Equestria's Royal Air Force has been assigned the mighty Helicopter-Tank-Castle-of-Chickens for a special mission: Rescue Princess Rainbow Dash (Celestia's daughter, duh) from the clutches of the Shadowbolts!

With Celestia's beard in danger of getting soggy, can anyone else perform this feat of amazing consequence? Will Scootaloo earn the princess' hoof in marriage? Will a second beard grow? Only one word holds the answer: Cluck!

Published 2012-11-21 14:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-21 14:50:02 UTC

The one and only

Helicopter-Tank-Castle-of-Scootaloo
By Wanderer D

o.o.0.o.o

The Helicopter-Tank-Castle-of-Chickens floated placidly amongst the clouds, its giant propeller disintegrating the few cumulus that got caught in its wake.

Scootaloo looked towards the distance from the battlements, ignoring the clucking for the moment. It was clear where the path was taking her.

“Captain Scootaloo!” Lieutenant Belle called, stopping to salute her briskly. “The Rainbow-Trail is leading us towards Shadowbolt territory!”

“Cluck!”

“Squawk!”

“Puckaw!”

“Silence!” Scootaloo roared over the panicked clucking of her subordinates. She looked back to her worried underling with utter calm. “I know, Lieutenant. It was clear from the beginning,” she turned back towards the distant dark clouds and her eyes hardened. “They have taken her.”

“Oh, no!” Lieutenant Belle cried, holding a hoof to her chest. “What are we going to do, Captain?”

“The only thing we can do!” Scootaloo replied, turning to one of the chickens manning the control stations. “Open a channel to the motor room!”

“Ba-kwaa!” The chicken replied, passing Scootaloo a tin can with a string attached to it.

Scootaloo spoke straight into it. “Engineer Bloom! We need more speed!” She then held the tin can up to her ear.

“Ah’m an engineer, captain!” Engineer Bloom’s voice reached her. “Not a miracle worker! Ah’ve added more dry corn to the engine, but if we accelerate too much we’ll run out of fuel! We need to maintain cruising speed if we’re going to survive the battle!”

“Nonsense!” Scootaloo roared! “That is complete chicken-sh–”

“Captain,” Lieutenant Belle interrupted. “You have to talk into the tin so she can hear you.”

“Oh,” Scootaloo cleared her throat. “Of- of course. I knew that. Ahem,” she brought the tin to her muzzle. “Engineer Bloom, I intend to rescue Princess Dash before something unspeakable happens to her. For that, I need speed.”

“Ah’ll do my best, Captain,” Engineer Bloom responded.

“That’s all I ask,” Scootaloo sighed.

“Captain,” Lieutenant Belle spoke up. “It’s time for the council meeting. They will want to know what is happening.”

“But of course!” Scootaloo jumped to her hooves. “We’d better go talk to them!” She turned to look at the crew. “Keep her steady! And fear not! Even if we invade Shadowbolt territory, I will lead you to victory! I leave the bridge to you, XO Clucky!”

“Cluck, cluck! Cluck!” Her Executive Officer, a grizzled, scarred chicken wearing two eye-patches (one on each eye) clucked loudly, acknowledging the orders.

“Cluck, cluck! Cluck!”

“Cluck, cluck! Cluck!”

“Cluck, cluck! Cluck!” The other chickens echoed.

“PA-CLUUUUCK!”

“That’s what I like to hear!” Scootaloo cheered back, smiling viciously at her crew before turning around and heading into the castle’s meeting room, which was located just where the giant chicken legs met the propeller.

The meeting room was large, and in the middle, a ghostly table with several mares shimmered and shifted.

“Ah, Captain Scootaloo,” The tallest of the mares; a regal alicorn with a multicolored mane and beard that floated and and swayed in invisible winds spoke up. “Just who I wanted to see.”

“Princess Celestia!” Scootaloo gasped, bowing slightly. “May your beard never chafe!”

There was an awkward pause.

“Okay,” Secretary Sparkle cleared her throat, casting a quick glance at Celestia before centering her attention on Scootaloo. “Anyway, we want a report on your progress. Do you have any news on Princess Rainbow Dash’s whereabouts?”

“I do,” Scootaloo sighed. “She was taken into Shadowbolt territory.”

The mares gasped. “Oh my,” Head Designer Rarity gasped. “Poor Princess Dash!”

“What are we gonna do?!” Royal Jester Pinkie Pie asked, bouncing on Celestia’s beard.

“We’ll rescue her, of course!” General Applejack slammed her hoof on the table, making Celestia’s coffee spill. “What else are we gonna do? Why, Ah say we mobilize the army and–”

“Oh, no!” Master Butler Fluttershy whispered urgently, hurrying to wipe Celestia’s beard clean. “Please do be careful! We don’t want Celestia’s beard to get mushy!”

“Anyway,” Secretary Sparkle said, looking up at Scootaloo. “We’re sure you can handle it, Captain. Do you need any backup? The Wonderbolts would love to work under you again.”

Scootaloo gave the offer some thought. “No,” she decided. “Between me, Lieutenant Belle and Engineer Bloom we should be able to rescue Princess Dash.” She smiled confidently. “Besides, we have the combined firepower of the Helicopter-Tank-Castle-of-Chickens at our disposal. No force in Equestria can stand in our way!”

“Good to know,” Celestia nodded, her beard knocking off a cookie tray while it wrapped itself around the cake. “We shall be waiting for Princess Dash to be returned safely to us, Captain. If you rescue her, I will grant your request to have her hoof in marriage.”

Scootaloo broke into a cold sweat, feeling Lieutenant Belle’s incredulous eyes centered on the back of her head. “Um... yes, thank you, Princess. May your beard be doubled.”

The ponies in the table looked at each other, contemplating Scootaloo’s words.

“Sure,” Applejack said after a moment. “Whatever.”

And just like that, they were gone. Except for the cake.

Scootaloo served herself some cake on a small plate, still ignoring Lieutenant Belle’s glare. “Uh... this seems good, Lieutenant! Do you want some?”

“You asked for Princess Dash’s hoof in marriage?!” came the screeched reply.

Scootaloo cringed. “Um... yes?”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Sweetie asked, holding Scootaloo by the shoulders and shaking her violently. “We’re your best friends!”

Scootaloo nodded and placed a comforting hoof on Sweetie’s shoulder. “It’s the chicken thing to do, Sweetie. You know I had to follow tradition.”

Sweetie sighed, letting her go. “Of course, I forgot that after your parents were murdered by rampaging Skittles you were adopted by chickens and grew as one of their own, granting you amazing powers of clucking and the ability to communicate with them.”

“Yes, that is a very accurate summary of my tragic life,” Scootaloo agreed. “Now, I fear we’re in trouble.”

“Why?”

Scootaloo pointed behind Sweetie Belle. “We have company, Lieutenant.”

Sweetie turned around and gasped when she saw the two ninja-ponies behind her. “But how?!”

“Prepare to get fried, Scootaloo!” one of the ninjas growled from behind her mask.

“Tiara!” Scootaloo growled. “I should’ve known! When we investigated the scene of the crime, I knew that I could smell the stench of the filthy rich!”

“You leave my daddy alone!” Tiara shouted.

“No, I mean— as in, it smelled bad because a filthy-but-rich, pony had been there,” Scootaloo explained.

“Oh. Ooooh...” Tiara nodded. “I get it!” And then she attacked, swinging her ninja-sword in a mighty arc that almost separated Scootaloo’s head from her neck.

“Lieutenant!” Scootaloo shouted as she dodged Diamond Tiara’s sword strike. “Stop snogging Ninja-Spoon and help me!”

“Ninja-Spoon!” Diamond Tiara shouted in turn. “Kill that unicorn and help me!”

The pair immediately stepped away from each other.

“I uh...” Ninja-Spoon hesitated.

“Don’t listen to her, Silver Spoon!” Sweetie Belle shouted, hugging the ninja in question. “You and I are meant to be together! Leave the dark side!”

“Silver Spoon!” Diamond Tiara growled, turning to face her accomplice. “I said— urk!”

“Urk?” Silver Spoon and Sweetie Belle echoed.

“Gak-cough-wheeze-blergh!”

The two fillies looked at each other and shrugged.

“Flank!” Diamond Tiara gasped as she fell to the side, revealing a katana embedded in her.

“Pu-cluck!” XO Clucky said, pulling the katana out.

“Th-thank you, XO Clucky!” Scootaloo gasped. “She almost had me!”

“Cluck-cluck! Pa-kweh!”

“I-I know, I would do the same for you... sister!”

“P-Pakweh?!”

“Yes!” Scootaloo admitted, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I knew it from the first day you stepped into duty for Country and Beard! I’m sorry I never told you!”

Scootaloo and Clucky embraced.

“Aww, isn’t that cute?” Ninja-Spoon leaned on Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah...” Sweetie mumbled. “Um... Sil— I mean, Ninja-Spoon, are you going to join our side?”

“Sure! Now that Diamond Tiara is gone I can reveal myself as the shy and introverted filly that I truly am!”

“Welcome to the crew!” Scootaloo said, disengaging XO Clucky. “Don’t distract the Lieutenant too much. We have a job to do!”

“Can you tell us where Princess Rainbow Dash is being held?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Yes, she is the prisoner of Dread Bearded Moon!” Silver- I mean, Ninja-Spoon said, trembling as the sky darkened around them and thunder echoed in the distance.

“That must be Dread Bearded Moon!” Scootaloo shouted. “Avast! To the battlements, my chickens! We will fight to the last feather!”

“Yarr!” The chickens roared in reply.

“C-can chickens do that?” Silver Spoon whispered to Sweetie Belle.

“Shh, don’t ask, you might get an answer!” Sweetie Belle whispered back.

“Lieutenant!”

“Cluck! I mean, yes?!”

“Take your ninja to your post and prepare for battle!”

“Sure thing, Captain! Come on, Sil— Ninja-Spoon!”

Scootaloo watched them leave hoof-in-hoof until they stumbled. Then she watched them leave walking side by side with all four hooves securely touching the ground. “Ah, to be young and in love...”

She quickly forgot about them as the sky continued to get darker and darker. Thunder and lightning echoed and flashed around the flying helicopter-tank-castle-of-chickens, but the propellers held true and, although it shook a little, no chicken or pony lost their balance.

A deep and powerful laugh seemed to emanate from all around them.

“Prepare the cannons!” Scootaloo shouted.

“Who should we aim them at!?” Apple Bloom asked, having emerged from the engine room to man one of the weapons.

“Don’t worry about that!” Scootaloo ordered. “Shoot! And may Celestia’s Beard watch over our souls!”

“But–” Ninja-Spoon started to speak, only to be interrupted by XO Clucky.

“Bwek! Cluck-cluck Pu-kweh!”

“Clucky is right!” Scootaloo said.

“What did he say?” Sweetie asked.

“He said that if Dread Bearded Moon is truly the Night itself, then it doesn’t matter where we shoot! We’ll hit that beard like an egg hits Miss Cheerilee’s window!”

A cacophony of clucks and be-kwehs followed that remark and escalated to the point that Scootaloo had to shout over all of them to be heard. “Fine! Fine! It was a poor choice of words! I would never sacrifice my brothers and sisters like that! Now, fire the cannons!”

The first of several cannons rolled to what would be considered the front of the helicopter-tank-castle-of-chickens given the orientation of the legs and fired, shooting a chicken into the air at break-neck speeds. It immediately spun and shot another chicken. Then another.

The poultry projectiles sailed through the air, squawking in desperation as they failed to reach their target and plummeted to the earth below, flapping their wings furiously.

“It’s not working!” Apple Bloom shouted.

“I can see that!” Scootaloo retorted, turning to glare at the sky. “Damn you! Damn you and your stupid night powers! Show yourself, or are you a coward, Dread Bearded Moon?!”

“I SHALL APPEAR BEFORE YOU!” Dread Bearded Moon said, doing just that. The sheer power of the capital letters being enough to knock half the chickens from their posts.

Scootaloo glared at her opponent. Dread Bearded Moon’s horn shone in the moonlight; her wings were open in a clear attempt to bolster her appearance and make her look more aggressive. Her mane and double-beard, shining with the light of millions of stars and comets and space debris fluttered slowly in their own personal wind whilst the manes of just about all other ponies in the ship were being whipped about by the gale-force winds her appearance had conjured. A simple mask, black and unassuming covered the princes—the pirate’s face just barely enough to completely hide her identity.

“I demand to know what you have done to Princess Rainbow Dash!”

“YOU MEAN HER?!”

A lightning bolt revealed a cage hanging from one of the blades of the propeller. It immediately spun out of view. Then into view. Then out. And so on and so forth.

Scootaloo and Dread Bearded Moon followed the cage’s endless loop for a few moments before awkwardly looking at each other.

“SORRY, I WILL CORRECT THAT NOW.”

The cage flashed and reappeared in front of them.

“Princess Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo shouted, running towards the cage. “Is that you?”

She had to dodge the puke as soon as she was two steps away from it. Scootaloo turned to face Dread Bearded Moon in a complete rage. Which is almost like being half-raged, only, worse.

“What did you do the princess, you... you rogue?!”

Dread Bearded Moon looked at Scootaloo in a silence so utter that only the dry heaving of Princess Rainbow Dash was able to break it. “I ACCIDENTALLY TIED HER CAGE TO ONE OF THE BLADES ON THE PROPELLER. YOU SAW IT.”

“It was a retarded question!” Scootaloo growled.

“YOU MEAN RHETORICAL.”

“Whatever!” Scootaloo growled yet again, which if you stop to think about it, is a very un-pony-like reaction. Since horses don’t growl. And neither do ponies. But then again, Scootaloo was raised by chickens. Who also don’t growl.

“SQUAWK!”

Dread Bearded Moon stepped out of the way as XO Clucky landed heavily on the spot she had been standing on mere seconds before. Unsheathing her katana, Clucky prepared to use the Gatotsu technique against her.

“No! Clucky!” Scootaloo shouted in horror as she saw in slow-motion how her long-lost sister attempted to perform the deadly attacki... only for the katana to bounce away from the magical shield that Dread Bearded Moon invoked.

Lightning flashed and the charred body of Clucky dropped next to Scootaloo, along with a medium-sized soda, fried potatoes and a serving of coleslaw.

“CLUUUUCKY!” cried Scootaloo, as she stood over her fallen sibling, shoveling coleslaw into her mouth.

"Mmmph. Mmmph. So goo—CLUUCKYYYYY!"

“P-puck-cluck... bekweeeh...” Clucky gasped, raising her eleven-spices-covered fried chicken wing towards the sky.

Dread Bearded Moon watched curiously as Scootaloo slowly finished her coleslaw and stood, not looking directly at her. “WHAT IS THE MATTER, CAPTAIN? DID YOU NOT LIKE THE MEAL?”

“My... name is... Scootaloo Cluck...” Scootaloo Cluck said, raising her head to look straight at Dread Bearded Moon. “You killed my sister... prepare to die!”

“YOUR SISTER?” DREA- Dread Bearded Moon asked, raising a delicate eyebrow behind her mask. “YOU ARE MISTAKEN. THAT IS NOT YOUR SISTER!”

“What?! How would you know?!” Scootaloo asked angrily. “My family was murdered by rampaging Skittles! I wouldn’t be who I am today if my chicken family hadn’t adopted me!”

“True story!” Sweetie Belle called from the battlements, briefly stopping her snogging of Silver Spoon. Next to her, Apple Bloom nodded.

“THAT IS RIDICULOUS,” Lu—Dread Bearded Moon stated. “SKITTLES ARE CANDIES. THEY DO NOT RAMPAGE!”

“That’s what my parents thought as well,” Scootaloo said, shaking her head sadly. “I can still remember my mom’s dying gasp as Skittles rampaged down her throat–”

“NAY, CHILD, THAT NEVER HAPPENED!” Dread Bearded Moon declared, removing her mask. “FOR YOU SEE! I AM YOUR BEARDED MOTHER!”

“Gasp!”

Scootaloo and Luna looked around for a moment, then, when they could not find the origin of the gasp, they turned to look at each other again.

“You... mom?!” Scootaloo gasped.

“INDEED!”

“Buh- but that means... Princess Rainbow Dash is my cousin!?”

“YES.” Luna nodded. “IS THAT A PROBLEM?”

“Yes, it’s a beard-damned problem!” Scootaloo roared. “I was going to marry her!”

Rainbow Dash threw up again.

“...after she stops doing that!”

“I AM SORRY, MY DAUGHTER, BUT YOU CANNOT MARRY YOUR COUSIN.”

“But I wanna marry my cousin!”

“You have a cousin?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“And you want to marry her?!” Snips added. “Eww. Isn’t that illegal?”

“It depends on the town, my little ponies,” Miss Cheerilee said. “Ponyville puts up with a lot of stuff, so Scootaloo should be fine on that... however, I want to know more about those eggs and my windows.”

“Huh?” Scootaloo said, looking up at the giant heads of her friends, fellow students and teacher. “Wha—”

She shook her head and sat up, blinking the blurriness from her eyes and gazing at all the colts and fillies surrounding her. “What—where’s Rainbow Dash?”

“Hey! Look at what she was drawing!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed, sliding a piece of paper from under Scootaloo’s hooves. “These are not school notes!”

“Give it back!” Scootaloo snarled, snatching it back from her nemesis.

“Okay, everypony,” Miss Cheerilee said, shaking her head. “It’s time for recess! You all can go out... except you, Scootaloo. We have to talk about those windows.”

“And Celestia’s Beard!” Snails added.

“Anth thou beingth Lunath’s daughther!” Twist said excitedly.

“Are you really marryin’ Rainbow Dash?” Apple Bloom asked. “Even if she’s your cousin’?”

“That’s enough teasing, everypony!” Cheerilee chuckled. “Now, out you go!” She waited until the room was empty, then looked down at the drawing. “And what do you call this?”

Scootaloo sighed. “It’s... well, it was a gryphon... but then... it kinda looked like a tank? But... I wanted it to fly so I put a propeller on top... and it was bulky, so... you know... castle? It’s my Helicopter-Tank-Castle-of-Chickens.”

Cheerilee smiled. “Well, how about you tell me about your dream?”

Scootaloo brightened. “It was awesome! We were flying over Equestria in the Helicopter-Tank-Castle-of-Chickens and...”

o.0.o

Outside the classroom, watching from a window, a single creature shook its head, then turned around, lowering her eye-patches. Scootaloo would never truly know what had happened to her sister, but XO Clucky would always watch over her.

Always.

o.0.o The End o.0.o