~*~
You stare into the zoo enclosure with a deep frown on your face. You’ve tried everything you can think of to get this to work. You’ve secluded the pen, put on romantic music, you’ve yelled encouragement, turned down the soft lighting, you’ve even put on various types of really distressing porn. But no matter what you do, you just can’t get these pandas to screw.
When you were studying to be a zookeeper, one thing you didn’t know was that helping wild species fuck would actually be the least fun part of your job. And the pandas? They are the literal worst. Not only do they seem uninterested in having sex in the first place, but on the occasion they do try, the male usually stumbles, rolls over backwards when trying to mount, misses the opening entirely to hump the female’s side instead, and then gives up. You don’t understand how their species has survived this long!
You glare at the two pandas who do appear to be watching the porn, but are unwilling to do anything more.
“Come on…” you groan. “Ling ling, bro, just… just stick it in there.”
He just sits there, staring straight ahead, occasionally taking a bite of bamboo. Next to him, Yu Yan just lounges about, letting her ovulating years go to waste. Yep, it seems like today is a bust too.
You flip a few switches to turn off the music and porn, and to return to enclosure to normal. Then you leave the viewing area, shaking your head. Another zoo employee by the name of Mina spots you as you head for the exit, and you start walking faster. You don’t want to discuss your failures with anyone. But lucky you, she’s already practically jogging your way.
“Hey Anon!” she says brightly “Any luck with the pandas today?”
You wince, and slowly turn to face her. Mina fucking loves pandas. Her work locker is covered with pictures of them, and the has a bumper sticker that says “It don’t matter if you’re black and white.” You give her a wilting smile and shake your head.
“Yeah… not so much,” you admit. “They just won’t mate.”
She frowns and looks deeply distressed.
“That’s awful,” she whines. “I wish I could help you out. Me and the other Pandathusiasts have been giving it a lot of thought.”
Pandathusiasts… ugh. See, this is why you haven’t hit that yet. It has nothing to do with the fact that she’d probably say no and you’re afraid of rejection. Nope. Not at all. And you remind yourself of that whenever you notice what a great ass she has, or how long it's been since you had a date.
“Well, it is what it is,” you say with a shrug. “Sorry to disappoint you.”
You turn to walk away, but she grabs your arm. You want to jerk away from her, but the physical contact with a girl is actually a little nice. Plus, you’ve been watching porn all day, and you’re starved enough that she’s looking pretty good about now. Damn you, you stupid non-fucking pandas.
“Well,” she says haltingly as you look back. “I did have one idea.”
“Oh?”
She looks a little uneasy, then offers you an admittedly cute and hopeful smile.
“You know that weird pony, Fluttershy, right?”
You blink at her, but then it all starts to make sense. Fluttershy showed up in town a few weeks ago, and at first it scare the heck out of everyone. But she comes to the zoo so often that you’ve more or less gotten used to her. She even talks to you on occasion, even though she gets shy and squeaks or runs away pretty often. When she does talk, she seems to know a whole lot about animals. Like, way more than you, and you’ve had training.
“Yeah, I sorta do,” you say. “Are you thinking that…”
She brightens a little.
“Hey, she knows a ton about animals, and they’re always so comfortable around her, and it even seems like she can talk to them! Do you think that… maybe you could…”
“…talk to her?”
She smiles broadly and grabs you in a deep hug. Her body pressure against yours awakens a primal need in your nethers that pandas seem to lack. You focus on the memory of your great aunt’s back fat folds, and it keeps your dick at bay for the time being.
“Oh thank you thank you thank you!” she says in a near squeal. “I’d be ever so grateful. And maybe… you know… if the pandas are busy mating, you and I can have lunch together?”
Okay, you take back everything you said before. Pandathusiast or no, you’re so okay with giving her a shot. Who knows, she might even be into that weird shit you’ve always wanted to try, with the summer squash and vaseline.
“L-leave it to me,” you stutter out like a total stud. “I’ll call her now.”
“Oh my god you’re the best,” she says, giving you another little squeeze before she releases you. “Talk to you tomorrow, let me know how it goes!”
You watch her leave with a crooked little smile on your face. Well, your day just went from absolute shit to pretty hopeful. You only hope that the feeling will last. First things first, though, you need to get ahold of that yellow winged horse. Good thing she’s on the frequent visitors contact list.
You look her up on your work phone address book, then dial the number. It rings a few times, then there’s a soft click, and there’s a demure clearing of a throat. It sounds like a mouse sneezing.
“H-hello?” says a female voice on the other line.
“Hi, Fluttershy?” you say.
“Yes, that’s me.”
“This is Anon, from the zoo. I wanted to know if I could get your assistance with a pair of our animals.”
“Oh, of course!” she says, sounding more excited than you’ve probably ever heard her. “Which little darlings are in need of my help?”
“It’s the pandas,” you say haltingly. “They won’t… they…”
“…yes?”
You suddenly feel very awkward. Fluttershy always seemed so sweet and pure and innocent. Saying that you need to have her help the pandas get to fucking feels like pissing on a nun’s shoe. And that was a terrible decision last time you tried it.
“Well, our male, Ling Ling, he won’t… uh…” you search for appropriate words, and don’t find them. “He won’t… deliver her his egg roll, if you get my meaning.”
There’s a brief silence, then a little gasp on the other end of the phone.
“Oh no! They won’t mate?”
Okay, that would have been a much better way of saying it.
“Exactly,” you say with a sigh. “Ling Ling has never done this before, and Yu Yan has never conceived, even if she was tried with another male at a different zoo. So they need someone to, I don’t know, explain it to them, make them understand how it works. Do you think you can help with that.”
“Just leave it to me,” Fluttershy says officially. “I know just what to do. I love pandas, you know, so sweet and cuddly. I’ll do my very best work and make sure they both understand what physical love is.”
She’s much better at explaining this matter delicately than you are.
“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow?” you say.
“I’ll be there bright and early,” the pony says officially. “See you then!”
You hang up the call, and sigh in relief. With any luck, this pony and her ability to talk to animals might just get Ling Ling, and you, laid.
You wait outside the secluded enclosure, looking around for any sign of Fluttershy. She isn’t late or anything, but the more you’ve thought about getting in Mina’s pants, the more excited you’ve gotten. And the more attractive she’s gotten in your mind. That mole? It’s really more of a beauty mark, and those horse teeth? It’s actually a cute little overbite.
God you’re so lonely.
Luckily, Fluttershy appears around a corner, and you can tell she means business. for one thing, she’s dressed to look like a very adorable panda. On her head, she wears a cute little set of black ears, and a coat that’s poofy and colored like a panda. It almost looks like she’s wearing a panda onesie, and you have to suppress a ‘daw’ of adoration at her outfit. She smiles at you, and gives you a little mock salute.
“Panda expert Fluttershy, reporting for duty!” she says sweetly.
You can’t help but smile.
“Glad you’re here. They’re both in there, and they have all sorts of music and porn and stuff to get them in the mood. But even then, Ling Ling just won’t get… excited.”
She nods understandingly.
“Yes, that tends to be a problem with pandas,” she says solemnly. “But never fear. I won’t need any of that to do my job. I an assure you that Ling Ling will be having a wonderful time soon. And Yu Yan too, I hope. I have less experience with female pandas.”
Huh, that’s a little weird, but probably nothing to worry about.
“Well, how can I help?” you say.
“Just make sure no one comes into the enclosure,” she says. “I need privacy to do my best work, and I don’t want the pandas to get frightened. Can you make sure that happens?”
You give her a little salute back.
“Guard duty Anon, at your service.”
She gives a little giggle, and you can’t help but find it utterly charming. Damn it, she’s a horse, you really are lonely.
“Okay, then I’ll get right to work,” Fluttershy says with a wink, then steps through a side door and vanishes from sight.
Like a good little zoo worker, you stand tall by the entrance, making sure no one disturbs the pony while she does her job. It isn’t exactly difficult, considering the zoo is closed that Monday and there are no guests, but that’s besides the point. You’re going to do your duty, Fluttershy is going to get the pandas to mate, and then you’re going to get into Mina’s pants and it’ll be much better than your previous time freshman year with Olga Mangelo, whose name is unfortunately very appropriate.
Seeing as no one’s passing by, you find yourself getting bored quickly. As ten minutes pass, your posture begins to slump. You began to tap your feet. Another ten minutes pass. Then another. Then another. Before long, it’s been more than a full hour since Fluttershy went into the enclosure, and you’re beginning to go a little stir crazy. What exactly is she doing in there? What’s taking so long. You grit your teeth and keep glancing at the door, willing it to open, but it never does.
What’s more is that you’re beginning to get curious. You occasionally can hear a soft noise from inside the enclosure, but it’s nothing too weird or concerning, and it certainly doesn’t sound like a pair of pandas slamming uglies. What is this method she’s using? How is she getting these dumb ass fluff bears to mate?
After an hour and a half, you find you can’t take it anymore. You know Fluttershy said she didn’t want to be disturbed, but you just have to know! You look around to make sure no one is watching, and then creep to the door. Slowly, you pull it open and look inside to find…
…oh sweet merciful God.
There, you see Fluttershy, still dressed very cutely as a panda. She’s bent over in the enclosure, and behind her, Ling Ling is huffing heavy breaths as he humps the ever-living shit out of her.
You stare open-mouthed as Fluttershy lets out soft little moans of pleasure, her eyes rolling back a little between each thrust. Her legs are spread wide, and she pushes her rear back against the male panda rhythmically. His expression is mostly vacant, it mouth open as he breathes hard. He looks like he’s been going at it for some time, which is surprising considering how long Panda mating is supposed to last for. It’s about five minutes maximum, which you sadly relate to, much to Olga’s disappointment.
You continue to look on as the nearly drooling Fluttershy rolls her hips forward and back on Ling Ling’s cock, occasionally biting her lip to stifle a moan or squeak. In front of them, Yu Yan looks on, looking understandably bewildered by the whole situation. After a moment of panda on horse action, Fluttershy begins to speak to the female panda.
“N-now you see,” she stutterers out between thrusts. “When he, uhf, puts his… mnh, penis inside you, it m-might… hurt for a, umnh, m-minute or so. But then… oh my, it starts to feel s-so good, ah!”
She can barely get the words out as the male panda continues to drill her, and Yu Yan just sits there observing it all happen. You stare in horror and shameful arousal at the whole display. After a moment more of this interspecies erotica, you can’t help but speak up.
“FLUTTERSHY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”
She looks up, obviously shocked to see you there, but Ling Ling doesn’t seem to care at all. He just keeps plugging away.
“O-oh! Anon!” she whimpers out. “Don’t, ah, worry, I brought a strap on to show Ling Ling how to… mnnnh, mate with Yu Yan next! With a few more demonstrations, th-they should, unf, be ready to m-mate in a few… AH weeks!”
You blink, and reiterate your question.
“WHAT THE FUCK FLUTTERSHY!?”
Suddenly, Ling Ling makes a sort of low groaning roar, and his pace increases sharply.
“L-looks like he’s… almost done,” Fluttershy says between gritted teeth.
This is way too much for your little monkey brain to handle. There’s a panda fucking a magical pegasus in front of you, you’re a little turned on, you’re very confused, and you just can’t make sense of any of it. But somewhere, in the back of your mind, you know that Ling Ling is about to waste a load of cum inside Fluttershy. It doesn’t happen very often, and you can’t wait another few weeks for it to happen again. At least, your dick can’t wait another few weeks to get inside of Mina. And you care about the little guy too much for that.
You have to do something to fix this. Now.
With a cry of frustration, you leap into the pen, risking all sorts of broken ankles and lawsuits. Just as you touch down, you hear Ling Ling let out another roar, and Fluttershy cries out in pain and pleasure. Rather than letting her enjoy it, you yank Fluttershy off of the panda’s awkward little dick, but it;s too late. You see cum start to spill out of her slightly-loosened pony pussy, ready to be wasted on the ground. Before you can think about how gross it is, you reach a whole hand into her vagina, grabbing at the sticky liquid and cupping it into your hand as best you can. Fluttershy cries out.
“A-Anon, I didn’t know you needed me to show you how to mate too!”
An enticing offer for another time. At this instant, you yank out your gooey, dripping hand, and fix your eyes on Yu Yan. She blinks at you, oblivious to what’s coming, and that’s probably for the best. With a desperate whine of distaste, you shove her over onto her back, then position your hand at the opening of her panda cooch. With the sound of someone stepping into a dog turd with their bare feet, you shove your hand up to the wrist into her vagina. She lets out a confused and, hopefully pleasurable groan, and you feel her muscles clamp down on your fingers. You wiggle them, trying to get as much jizz into her as possible, and pull back, flecking your uniform with a mixture of panda dick and pussy fluids.
Panting hard, you turn to face Fluttershy, who is glaring at you and massaging her sore privates. Your eyes are wide, and you can feel your hair and clothing are wild and disheveled. But it doesn’t matter. You may have inseminated Yu Yan, and reached your goal, but at what cost? Today, you fisted both an unwilling horse and panda. Nothing can make that okay… or make your erection go away, it seems.
“Anon,” Fluttershy says chidingly. “What were you thinking?”
You stare at her blankly, then at the two pandas who are both breathing heavily in sexual exhaustion. Then, you look back at her, feeling your mind break, and give her a half smile.
“What can I say,” you say brokenly. “I guess today I was just destined to embearass myself."
-END-
Author's Note
Fun fact! Pandas are really REALLY bad at mating.
I'm not even sorry. This was so much fun to write! I owe Admiral Biscuit a huge thank you for commissioning me to do this one. It was exactly the kind of stuff I like writing the most, and I've missed writing it. So, I hope some of you enjoy it as well.
-pencil
