"And that's how much I wanted to thank you for going along with me." Twilight had given up fingering me and pulled me into a hug. She lay back on the bed, cuddling me atop her, and let my snout rest in her cleavage.

If she asked me, if she just said those words that would trap a man forever, I would—No. Twilight was fun, probably the most fun I've had in bed, but she was so much smarter than me it wasn't funny. I was the cute thing a smart girl like her picks up for a wild night. I'm the sexy party animal who'll say yes to damn near anything if the question is asked while a pair of breasts are in my face. I couldn't saddle her with me—I didn't dislike her enough.

"This was amazing," I said, only it came out more like drff wrrff rrmrffnff.

That's when something hit me. Like I figured, I wasn't the smartest in Equestria, and I definitely wasn't the smartest in the room right now, but sometimes things clicked. I pulled my snout from her chest and looked up at her. "You didn't turn into a stallion."

Twilight just looked at me a moment, then burst into laughter. "Paul! Don't scare me like that! It was just because I cast that spell on me on top of another casting of it. I probably won't be able to turn into a stallion for a day or two, now."

It was impossible to work out if that was the truth or if she just believed it, but Twilight was absolutely and without a doubt smarter than me, so I relaxed. "Sorry for panicking, but with a cutie mark like mine, you can't be too careful."

Snorting like the big, fuzzy nerd she is, Twilight petted my head and rubbed at my ears. I could have easily fallen asleep if it weren't for not-so-discrete knocking on the outer doors of the suite.

I jumped out of Twilight's grip and to the floor. "I'll get it, Your Highness." On my way to the bedroom door, I lifted my tail and put a little sway in my step. Okay, so it was being really slutty, but I could handle being slutty for Twilight. She'd deserved slutty-Paul privileges.

Another knock came just as I reached the door. Reaching up with my hoof, I unlocked it and swung it open. The Royal Guard mare who stood before me looked a little startled. The guy guarding my door—who I'd organized breakfast for—seemed to have a bored expression on his face, but he did roll his eyes and nod toward the mare. "What's up?"

"When Princess Celestia asks to see somepony at their earliest convenience, that generally means now, unless—" The mare stopped short and looked up and over my head. "Your Highness! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to intrude!"

I didn't turn to see what state she was in, instead I just relaxed at the touch of her hand to the top of my head. Well, I did that and blush. See? As a mare I can multitask just fine!

"Send my apologies to Princess Celestia, but I had to retain Paul's attention all morning for an important experiment. I'm sure she's perfectly fine to head down now and see what the problem is." She sounded almost like she was berating the mare for her tone, and I guess she was. None of them could go behind her back.

"Yes, Your Highness!" The mare looked startled now, standing straighter and snapping a salute at Twilight. "Right away, Your Highness!"

At last I turned around and looked up to a very naked Twilight Sparkle. The view of her breasts—and her face smiling down past them—made me smile. "Was the experiment a success, princess?"

"Paul, I explained this before. Experiments are always a success. The key to them is interpreting the results and planning the next experiment."

"I'm not the brightest pony, princess, so I guess I'll have to be excused for asking—will there be more experiments?" I didn't try to hide myself from the mare and man behind me. I probably had a leaky stain and the smell of sex all over me. Well, tough titties. Princess Celestia put the screws on, she gets what she gets.

"Yup! I can think of several I'll need you for." She crouched down and pouted.

There was no hesitation, I couldn't afford any in my situation. Leaning forward, I kissed her first on the lips, then on the nose. "I'll be at your disposal, Your Highness, the moment I'm done with Princess Celestia."

The look in her eyes could have melted steel.

Turning back to the Royal Guard, I pranced a few steps into the hallway. The guard who stood outside my door had—at least—a sympathetic look on his face that spoke enough for me to know he'd probably tried to prevent this. When Celestia calls, there's not much one guy can do about it.

The smell of sex followed me down the hall and through to the throne room. I walked casually along beside the Guardpony into the huge room, noting the lack of anyone but guards and Celestia. "Sup?"

"You were in the room next to mine all night, correct?" Princess Celestia sat on her throne looking about as annoyed as a woman can be.

"Y—" I was about to reply when a wet plop sound came from behind me. "You'll have to excuse my state, Your Highness, but it was explained to me that when you ask to see someone, it means now."

Celestia closed her one visible eye and seemed to take a deep breath. I could tell it was a deep breath, because she was wearing what amounted to a skirt and a bikini top—and the latter moved in most interesting ways.

"Your powers aren't at fault here, Paul. I don't doubt you're doing your best to ensure this situation is resolved. My Royal Guard are"—Celestia gestured around the room to show roughly half the Guard were ponies—"proof positive of that. If it's not your fault, and it's certainly not mine, then it must be Prince Blue Blood."

That's when something hit me. I looked around at the other mares in the room. "Well, I actually—"

"Summon Prince Blue Blood!" Princess Celestia was every bit the princess.

I rolled my eyes. "Your Highness, I'm fairly sure this has more to do with—"

"Paul, I have a high opinion of your talents, please don—"

"No!" I stomped forward to the bottom of the dais she sat atop and glared up at her. "Celestia, where I'm from no one is the better of anyone else, so you can just forgive me this, okay? What I'm trying to say is that it's actually—"

"Announcing Prince Blue Blood!"

Well, I'd tried. No one and nopony could say I hadn't done my best.

The big doors opened and Prince Blue Blood walked through it. He made the Royal Guard look like wannabes. I may be a guy, but if I was into guys, I'd be drooling right now. Vagina, don't even think about it.

Vagina wasn't happy about being cock blocked, but I had to be firm. It wasn't like he could do anything, anyway—the first hint of real arousal and he'd be a mare like me.

"Princess Celestia! As always it is a wonderful pleasure to attend to your needs." Blue, I had to admit, was every bit the gentleman. He could give a glance that would make vagina scream for cock, or another that would wither my libido with his indifference. Right now he was projecting fawning adoration—right up until the big doors closed behind him. "What's the deal?" His tone had fallen to flat boredom.

Celestia stood up and started walking down the steps of the dais. "It seems everyone in Canterlot is getting pregnant but you. I certainly don't seem to have a problem getting mares pregnant, and it's not exactly Paul's doing, so the only one left is—"

I'd had enough. Blue might not be the shining example of princely virtue, or even that likable, but he wasn't being an ass here. "That's what I've been trying to say, princess. You're virile, no one's going to deny that, but how many of your Guard do you service a day?"

Celestia blinked in surprise, while Blue cracked up laughing. He'd picked up what I was putting down before I fully said it. Note to self: Blue Blood is no fool.

"Auntie! You're using up your mojo each day. It is you shooting blanks!" Blue Blood walked casually over and reached to my ears to rub one. "Paul here is a sharp tack." Damn it was nice. He knew all the good spots, and my back left leg was soon bouncing in place.

"You should both explain this before I—before I have you both sent to Yakyakistan." Princess Celestia's eye narrowed and she glared at Blue.

Blue smiled a shit-eating grin. I wanted to be the one to say it, but his rubbing of my ear was just about the most debilitating thing I've ever had done to me—including that one time I'd gotten tased. "Auntie, you spend all your swimmers on your boys and leave none for me."

Princess Celestia froze where she stood. She looked from Blue to me, then to the Guards in the room, and finally back to me. "Is that possible, Paul?"

With a pat to the top of my head, Blue stopped rubbing my ears.

Shaking my head to clear it of the distracting fuzz a good ear rub caused (and I had to contend that Blue knew how to give a good ear rub), I looked up at Celestia. "He's right. How many times a day were you—drilling for oil?"

Lifting her head, Celestia looked around the room. When she looked back down to me, I realized she'd been counting the Guards. "Ten. Sometimes twice for a few of them."

In my time working in Ponyville hospital, I'd picked up a few things about anatomy—particularly reproductive anatomy. Five in a day would result in really low sperm counts. Ten would leave a sex god dry. More? More was just running on fumes. "Maybe try to schedule time with Prince Blue Blood in the morning?"

With a huge sigh, Celestia looked to be counting or something, one of those calm yourself down things. "I'm sorry, to both of you. This wasn't either of your fault. It's moments like these I'm reminded that I don't know everything. Now that we know, and it being morning…"

I was in the process of opening my mouth to tell them I was going back to my room when I felt the first tingle of realization—I wasn't going to make it back to my room. As my body started to twist and grow, I let out a strangled groan.

A surprising hand reached down to help me up, and a royal blue coat wrapped around my shoulders. Looking up at the hand's (and coat) owner, I was startled to realize it was Blue Blood. "I realize I've been a little tough on you, Paul, and I'm sorry for that. You might have shaken things up a little with your talent, but that's no reason for me to treat you poorly."

It was surprisingly decent of him. "Thanks. I'll return the coat… Oh, who the hell am I fooling?" I slung the coat from my shoulders and passed it back to Blue. "Excuse me, Your Highnesses, but I have a very nice lady waiting for me to return. If you want to take care of business, I'd suggest your normal room."

Who says I can't be eloquent and fancy? With all my pride on display for anyone to see, I walked out of the throne room bare-assed naked and made my way back to the hallways I'd been learning my way around.

I made it all the way back to my rooms—even giving Stone Shield a wink—and closed the door behind me before my self-confidence slipped. Yeah, I'd looked pretty badass alright, but dignity and pride had been going down with every step.

"Paul? What happened?" Twilight rushed over and put her arm around my shoulders.

"Well, I solved the fertility problem, but it cost the Royal Guard their afternoon playtime. Also, I am now surprised not only at Celestia's stamina, but that of her Guards' too." It was easy to relax and lose the edge of shame that walking back naked had caused—with Twilight snuggling herself close to my side. "Work out anymore experiments?"

"Paul, if you want more sex, you're just going to have to wait. I delayed until you got back, but Spike sent me a letter—my friends need my help in Ponyville." Twilight kissed my cheek. "I expect you'll find another cute girl to warm your bed?"

"It seems I am destined to always be searching for that one girl. Until then, Your Highness, you are always welcome to join me whenever you have time free." Rather than accept the kiss on the cheek, I did the classic supporting-girl-bend-her-backwards-and-kiss-soundly trick, which seemed to work extra well with me naked and her… not. When the kiss was done, I lifted her back to her feet.

"I'm going to miss that. Don't find Miss Right until I return, okay?" Straightening her blouse and skirt, Twilight walked for the door. Seeing her going was heartbreaking, but her words reminded me how open the women of Equestria were. She wasn't upset in the least that I'd find myself someone else.

"Why, you want to fill that slot?" I asked.

"Paul," Twilight said as she reached the door and opened it, "I'll fill whatever slots of yours I please."

A shudder of pure, unadulterated arousal hit me like a gut-punch. Vagina was excited at Twilight's words, even if penis was currently at the controls. By the time I was capable of replying, Twilight was out the door.

"Right. Princess of kicking ass and saving the world. Sometimes I forget how awesome she is." Well, I couldn't deny that my time with Twilight was literally the best sex of my life. Nothing—not a single thing—had come close to having sex as a guy again the morning after getting railed.

I stretched and looked around the suite. Shower first, then clothes, then I might go see what Jugs is up to.

A wide grin stretched across my face.

"Fancy seeing you here, Paul." Luna's voice as he walked into the bar held a note of amusement to it. "And here I thought you'd be hanging off the arm of Princess Twilight Sparkle again. Jugs, can I have a coffee?"

Luna: the only one in Equestria locked into a stallion form. Even with my humanish nose I could smell the maleness of him. Vagina expressed excitement, but asshole asserted what Luna's tastes ran to.

"She had an emergency in Ponyville to take care of. You know how it is, one minute it's all snuggles and happy sounds, next you are left watching your girl head off to take on who-knows-what." I hadn't started on beer yet, of course. Like Luna, I'd chosen a nice coffee to slake my thirst. "What about you?"

"The usual, Paul. Although, I did see my sister looking far happier than normal—far more stallion than normal for morning. Did you have a hand in that?" Climbing up on the stool beside me, Luna used his magic to pluck the cup of coffee from where Jugs had left it.

"Yeah. Turns out she was having a—" This wasn't a place where I could talk freely. "—having a problem with her bath. Those Royal Guards are useless for so much. I fixed it, though I think someone else put the strut in her step."

"It's funny, because I heard there was a certain friend of royalty walking around the halls naked earlier." Sipping his coffee, Luna let out a wicker of joy. "This is good coffee. Thanks, Jugs."

"For you, My Prince, only the best." Jugs was, without a doubt, the most perky barmaid I'd ever met, her push-up bra's work was always the highlight of the place—for me at least. "Would you both like something for lunch?"

Luna snorted. "Nah. Jugs, you come around here and let Paul make us something."

Given I'd had a bit of fun with Jugs (well, got introduced to giving blowjobs by her) and Luna was practically my best friend, I figured I could stand to do a little cooking for them. "Where's your grill?" I downed the last of my coffee and walked around to the end of the bar.

I could follow my nose to the small kitchen area behind the bar, but still waited for Jugs to point to it. She did have a little grill going in the back room with a prep area beside it. It was nothing like Dad's restaurant, but it would fit the bill. "What have we got to work with…"

Three burgers would be a start, but I wanted to do something special on the side. I walked back out into the bar. "I'll need a beer to make up some batter, and how do you both like your burgers?" I fully expected Luna to ask for a vegetarian option, given she was a pony right now.

"Medium-rare," Luna said.

"Same." Jugs passed me a bottle of beer. "Burgers and…?"

"My dad had a restaurant and did the best beer-battered fries in the state. You'll see." Turning back around I headed into the kitchen and started sorting out what I'd need. Then it hit me—Luna wanted meat. Most people, when they were ponied up, didn't really go in for meat. Even I'd learned I had a vegetarian side when I was extra fuzzy.

My dad would kill me if he ever heard me say that.

A pang of sorrow hit me, but I shoved it to the side and continued cutting up potatoes into fries. I hadn't exactly left anyone behind, but remembering my dad—particularly while in a kitchen—did sting a little. He wouldn't have wanted me to leave my two best buds hungry, though.

So I cooked three of the best burgers I could and blamed the few tears I had on the onions, and when I set each of the three on a plate, I dropped a side of beer-battered fries beside them. Balancing two plates on one arm, I carried the other out into the bar. "Who's hungry?"

Jugs just stared at the plates as I brought them out.

I circled back around to the customer side of the bar and passed each of the meals to my friends. "Well? Don't just stand there, tell me what you think." I picked up a fry and tossed it in my mouth. Crispy and delicious, the crusted batter around the potato was just perfect.

I waited for Luna and Jugs to both take a bite of their burgers before starting on mine. The flavor was perfect, the patty was juicy, and the pickles added a noticeable bite of taste. The sauce wasn't too strong, and let the taste of the cheese and meat shine.

First to finish her bite was Jugs. "Holy shit, Paul. If you're ever done with your stuff up at the castle, do you want a job working here?" She dove in for another bite.

That was a good question, actually. When Blue was pregnant, what would I do then? I mean, I couldn't exactly go back to Ponyville hospital to work—despite my credentials, Ponyville had been very firm in their kicking me out.

Maybe having a backup job lined up would be good. I'd sure miss having the run of the palace, though. "You know what? I won't say no to that. When I'm done with—with my job at the castle, I'll definitely come down and see if you still need someone."

Jugs bounced in place in what I was sure was a move carefully calculated to completely overwhelm my mind with her jiggling chest. It was extremely effective. "That'd be great! I've been wanting to expand this place into food for a while, but with just one person on the bar, it's kinda hard to get any cooking done.

"Besides, I can't cook as good as this. You used beer to batter these?"

It hit me that, being as rare as beer was here, it might not have been used for cooking so much. "Yeah. Beer's a lot more common back home, but the batter I made for those should do another three plates worth of fries."

"This is quite good," Luna said. I turned to look at him in surprise, only to see a little of the sauce leaking down his chin. The effect almost made it look like blood.

"Uh, you've got a little—" I began.

Jugs leaned across the bar, gulping down her own mouthful as she went, and pressed her lips against Luna's. She trailed her tongue out and down into the sauce and cleaned his chin with a laugh. "Gotcha covered."

It took all my willpower not to spill some sauce into my crotch. "You like eating meat as a pony?"

"In my day, it was not uncommon for ponies to eat meat. It was normally part of a little ritual at the end of a battle—symbolic of older times still where fighting meant literal bloodshed." He licked a line around the burger, turning it in his magic so that he caught all visible drips. "Now I just like the flavor. You are a good cook, Paul."

Nice as it was to get compliments from friends, knowing Luna's normal meals came from the castle kitchen and knowing he didn't tend toward exaggeration, was a much bigger boost to my ego than hearing compliments from anyone else.

"Thanks. So, what's going on tonight?" I nibbled on my fries, alternating between a few of those and another bite of my burger.

"Same ol'," Jugs said. "No live band tonight, but with how close it is to Nightmare Night, there'll be more ponies out and about than usual."

The reminder of Nightmare Night made me look at Luna. I'd gotten the full story of Luna and Nightmare Night from Twilight and I wondered how that made Luna feel.

Luna's face, however, brightened. "Nightmare Night! Paul, you have to be a bat pony for me on Nightmare Night!" His eyes danced with excitement.

I tried to sedately swallow the mouthful of burger and not spray it out and was entirely successful. "Bat pony?"

"Well, we could have a rave, Luna." Jugs gestured out at her bar. "See if Vinyl's free, put on a special thing and let you make all of us into bat ponies for the night. You can do that, right?"

Though Jugs was talking, Luna seemed focused on me. He was far more intense than usual—in a way that made vagina curl her toes and hug anus tight for support. "I can turn any number of willing ponies into ponies of the night."

"Hold up. Bat pony? You mean like in the legends? Ponies with bat wings?" Don't get me wrong, I hadn't really been too upset by not having wings or a horn—particularly since earth pony mares had a reputation for stamina—but being able to fly just once seemed like a pretty cool thing.

"Luna has a thing for bats, Paul. I can practically promise you that if I filled this bar with bat ponies, Luna would be on top of one within a minute." Pulling out a glass of water, Jugs took a long pull and put it up on the bar.

Shit. Vagina was right. "You've got a thing for bats, or me?" It was a breaking of the buddy-code. Well, it was more like a shattering of it. I looked at him in an entirely new light.

"Don't get me wrong, Paul, it's great to be friends." Luna sipped at his coffee and let out a happy sigh. "But I really want to get on your back and ream you out."

How he managed to say that so comfortably, I'll never know. I stared at his face and searched for a sign he might be joking. Alright, Paul, this isn't the first time you've been hit on by royalty, and it's not the first friends-that-fuck you've contemplated being in—though it is the first time with someone who's entirely one sex all the time.

And that sex was male.

The theme song of Brokeback Mountain started playing in the back of my head. Not that I watched the movie. More than once.

This was totally stupid! Why was I freaking out over this, now? I'd turned into a mare how many times? I'd sucked dick, I'd taken stallions in both holes, I'd even given a hand job to one.

Fucking guitars.

Alright, Paul, time to mare up and admit you've always found Luna hot AF. My brain shifted gear at the thought. Where did that come from? Quick, say something. He expects you to hold up your side of the conversation, not just stare at him.

Now the fiddle was joining in. Shit.

Okay, but didn't I fantasize about Luna doing that to me the first time? Imagining his big body forcing himself down on my back, lining up with my—There was only one answer. "That does sound pretty hot. When, where, and how?" Vagina and asshole had me on a fucking leash, but I wasn't being dragged anymore, I was straining at my collar.

Luna stretched out one deep blue wing and hooked it around my back. He was strong—stronger than I was as either a guy or a mare—and easily pulled me closer to him. When his fuzzy lips touched my cheek, I let out a soft sigh. "Nightmare Night. I want you turning up as a mare so I can work some magic on you. It will keep you stuck as a pony all night," he whispered in my ear.

Vagina and asshole high fived.

Drawing his wing back, Luna got off the stool and made his way to the bathroom slowly, his hooves barely touching the ground. Was he strutting?

"I haven't seen anyone put that much swagger in our prince since his return. What did he say?" Jugs took the last bite of her burger.

Should that kind of attention give me a chubby? That guitar and violin were playing in my head again, but all I could remember was that first sight I had of Luna mounted on another stallion. "A guy doesn't kiss and tell."

Author's Note

Princess Twilight: What is the average age the ponies in Equestria have their first experience?

"Well, I haven't exactly done a poll of when it happens—you'd probably want to talk to Cadance about that—but I had my first... mess, at fourteen. I'm sure that's around normal. Every girl wakes up as a stallion in a bed that's soaked through with—" The more she spoke, the more Twilight blushed. In the end she had to reach up and hold her mouth closed to stop the words pouring out.

So I do this "Ask X" thing. X can be any pony within the story. You can ask them anything and they will definitely, hopefully reply. Keep the questions appropriate to the age-rating of the stories, and they will answer the best question in the author notes of the next chapter. The more votes a comment has the more likely I will get it to the right pony to answer. Try to keep it to one question per post! They will pick one question per chapter.

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