My Little Wizzzard: Friendship is Dangerous

by cullexoh

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Random, Adventure, Slice of Life, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Other
Length: 23274

Rincewind in Equestria. Oh Bucker

Why do people talk about the The Trousers of Time when the daft bugger never actually wears them? No-one wears them, you simply fall continually into the waistband, not knowing from which leg you'll come out of.

In one universe, Rincewind, the Discworld's worst Wizard, chose not to speak the words of the Spell in his mind and found himself falling down one leg, which would lead to him going on many adventures quite against his will.

What would've happened if he'd fallen down the other leg?

Published 2012-08-04 17:54:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-07 19:56:55 UTC

Chapter 1: Trousers and Appletrees

So yeah, first story in like, ever. Like it or hate it, lemme know what you think by the end, okay?

My Little Wizzzard: Friendship is Dangerous.

Chapter 1: Trousers and Appletrees.

The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn’t sure it was worth all the effort, a perfectly understandable statement given the circumstances involved, for as any person worth their degree from the Unseen University could tell you, when light encounters a strong magical field it loses all sense of urgency, slowing right down to the point it could be compared to syrup flowing languidly onto a stack of pancakes, an apt analogy considering the location of this particular sunrise.

For this was the Discworld, a world that was, as the name implied, flat as a discus, carried through the starry infinity on the backs of four giant elephants, who were themselves perched on the shell of a giant turtle, as most worlds are wont to do at some time in their perception. It was simply a cosmological view that the human brain, or whatever the indigenous life forms call themselves, seem pre-programmed to take until someone can prove it otherwise and survive the experience.

The turtle’s name was Great A’Tuin the Star Turtle, shell frosted with frozen methane, pitted with meteor craters, and scoured with asteroidal dust. Great A’Tuin, with eyes like ancient seas and a brain the size of a continent through which thoughts moved like little glittering glaciers. Great A’Tuin of the great, slow, sad flippers and star-polished carapace laboring through the galactic night under the weight of the Disc. As large as worlds…as old as Time…as patient as a brick.

And while he, or, as it might be, she, will not take a central role in the events that follow, it is still vital to give some mention of his, or her presence, otherwise the tale will be off to a rather confusing start. For one thing, it is the latest effort in the pursuit of establishing Great A’Tuin’s sex that our attention should be drawn to, as it tumbles over the edge of the disk.

The craft was called the Potent Voyager, a sort of Neolithic spaceship built from bronze and pushed over the edge by the astronomer-priests of Krull, which is conveniently situated on the very rim of the world and proves, whatever people say, that there IS such a thing as a free launch. Inside the ship is Twoflower, who holds the honourable distinction of being the Disc’s first tourist and had recently spent some months exploring it and was now rapidly leaving it for reasons that are rather complicated but involve a pressing desire to escape from Krull, which thus far has been one thousand per cent successful, if you excluded the fact he was about to hold the distinction of being the Disc’s LAST tourist.

Still, at the very least, he was getting some brilliant shots for his photo album. Let us instead turn our attention away from the happy little clerk, blissfully snapping pictures of the endless void, towards a small, insignificant speck that was plunging along some two miles above him, dressed in what, on the Disc, passed for a Spacesuit (1).

The man inside the suit was called Rincewind, who six months ago had been a perfectly ordinary failed wizard before he had the misfortune of running into Twoflower at the Broken Drum, Ankh Morpork’s most infamous pub, where he had been employed, at an outrageous salary, as the little clerk’s guide. Since then, he had spent most of the intervening time being shot at, terrorised, chased and hanging from high places with no hope of salvation or, as is now the case, dropping from high places with no hope of salvation. It was therefore quite understandable that he wasn’t admiring the view as he tumbled through space.

For one thing, his life flashing before his eyes kept getting in the way, a sad side effect of forgetting the most important lesson an astronaut learns before setting foot into space, namely to remember to put your helmet on first.

A lot more could be included now to explain why these two are dropping off the world, and why Twoflower’s Luggage, last seen desperately trying to follow him on hundreds of little legs, is no ordinary suitcase, but that is another story altogether, and it wouldn’t do to go into too much detail at this point. Spoilers and whatnot.

But enough of that; let us return our attentions to Rincewind, whose past life had just reached a rather interesting, and painful, memory of when he was fifteen that he’d never truly forgotten about and doubted he ever would. As always happened at times like this, namely whenever he was about to kick the proverbial bucket, The Spell rose up in his mind.

Now to understand the importance of The Spell, namely why it deserved the two capital letters, it was important to explain a little bit of Rincewind’s backstory. At one point in his life, Rincewind had been a student at the Unseen University, the undisputed Magical Academia on the Disc, or certainly the most well-known, for one reason or other. During his tenure, Rincewind had been generally reckoned by his tutors to be a natural wizard in the same way that fish are natural mountaineers. He couldn’t remember any spells, the few he could recall he usually botched up, and smoking (2) made him sick. Had he ever managed to complete his studies, or at least advance in them enough to the point it was CLEAR going any further was a complete waste of time, it was very likely he would’ve been thrown out of Unseen University anyway, had it not been for the incident where he, in a moment of classical, youthful stupidity, had on a dare snuck into the room where The Octavo was chained and opened the damned thing.

Now as many people might have guessed by the capital letters, The Octavo was, quite obviously, no ordinary book. And while there are of course as many famous books of magic as there are stars, such as the necrotelecomnicon, which currently resided in the maximum security wing of the Library of Unseen University as staring at a page can cause a man’s brain to dribble out of his ears (3), or the Tantric Booke of Sexe Magicke, which is kept in a refrigerated cell at the bottom of a vat of crushed ice (4), but such books are all mere pamphlets when compared with the Octavo, which the Creator of the Universe reputedly left behind shortly after completing his work on the Disc. The Eight Spells imprisoned in its Pages had led a secret and complex life of their own, up until the moment that Rincewind had stolen a look at the book one day and one of The Spells had escaped and lodged in his mind.

No-one had ever managed to get to the bottom of how it had happened, then again, none of them had bothered to ask Rincewind how he’d managed to undo all the locks that had sealed the damned thing off before they literally drop-kicked him out the University Gates. In any case, The Spell wasn’t a demanding lodger, it just sat there, like an old toad at the bottom of a pond, watching its host pass life by at a sprint, but whenever Rincewind was feeling really tired or very afraid, the latter more often than not, unsurprisingly, it tried to get itself said.

No-one knew what would happen if one of the Eight Great Spells was said by itself, but the general agreement was that the best place from which to watch the effects would be the next universe. Nevertheless, in his panic-stricken, oxygen deprived state of mind, Rincewind had the feeling that the Spell wanted to keep him alive.

‘Suits me…’ he muttered, his mouth opening, and in that moment, as the precious air he’d been struggling to keep in his lungs rushed out into the cold, lonely void of space, just for a second, he had the strange sensation that he was two people. And this was because, for the merest fraction of a second, he was two people.

They were both called Rincewind.

Not many people talk about The Trousers of Time, mainly because it’s not like the daft bugger ever wears the damned things, which in hindsight was rather fortunate, because if he did it was highly likely that life would be very boring.

Why the sudden talk of suit bottoms you ask? Well if you think of time as a shape with one entrance and two exits, what automatically comes to mind(5)? In any case, those not blessed with the gift of foresight, or even the rarer gift of hindsight, have no choice but to fall continually into the waistband, not knowing from which leg one may emerge, and it is through such often unconsidered minor decisions that History is made.

Such was the case here, for the moment Rincewind opened his mouth, the Trousers of time opened, and with a breath of Octarine, the Eighth colour in the spectrum that designated magic, found himself hurtling down one leg while the Rincewind that had instead opted to fall back on his old standby of screaming went tumbling down the other leg into a different future.

As it stood, the one who opted to scream would go on to have many adventures on the Disc, where he would be mistaken for a demon, a god, lunch, a hero, a woman, and many other things of a hilariously interesting nature to anyone that might be watching from the relative safety of a comfortable armchair by the fire.

For the one who opted to speak the words of the spell, however, a completely different story was about to begin.

The moment the Rincewind opened his eyes, he instantly regretted it, as looking directly into the sun only proved to make his aching head pound all the worse.

“Oooh Bugger…” he muttered, squinting his eyes shut as he reached up to cover his face with one arm, shifting slightly as he felt the familiar, uncomfortable sensation one could only get by suddenly finding themselves hanging upside down from a tree branch.

“What the hell did I get up to last night?” he muttered, idly reaching up, or down as it were, to check if his hat was still in place, only to freeze, his eyes widening in a rictus of terror as the memories began to play back like a slide reel from a horror movie, the failed wizard trembling like one of the many leaves he was surrounded by at the memory of seeing a giant Pachyderm eye glancing at him like some impossible moon.

‘Wait a moment…’ he muttered, fighting back the image for the sake of what little sanity he had left ‘This isn’t right, people don’t just wake up hanging from trees after going off the edge…I’m fairly certain that they don’t wake up at all.’

Certainly a weird thought to have, considering the alternative was falling endlessly through space, slowly dying of oxygen deprivation and explosive decompression, but even if he was a failure at it, Rincewind was still, technically, a Wizard, and when faced with a situation out of the ordinary (that wasn’t immediately life threatening) was wont to do as wizards do and point out its flaws and nit-pick about every little detail until it gave up and either went away or set itself right.

Somewhere, he knew, there had to be a perfectly logical connection. One minute one happens to be dying, having dropped off the rim of the world, there had to be a reason that the next minute would involve waking up upside down in a tree. However, before he could get a proper rant going, the tree he was currently hanging from shook as if struck, the Wizard letting out a squeal of alarm as he fell from his tenuous perch, dropping uncontrollably from branch to branch until he landed on his head in a pile apples, where he lay gasping for breath and wishing he’d been a better person.

“Sorry about that, pard’ner.” A voice called out, a deep, masculine voice that seemed fairly laid back, all things considered, though Rincewind wasn’t about to pass judgement until he could get his hat off, as it had been rammed tight over his eyes during the fall “Didn’ see ya up there.”

“No problem at all...” Rincewind assured him, grunting slightly as he managed to pull his hat off, the world around him returning with an audible pop, allowing him to get a good look at his surroundings for the first time.

He was in a forest, a fact that was blatantly obvious not only from the multitude of trees, but from the decidedly unhealthy smell of fresh air that he was breathing in through his nostrils. This was slightly worrying to Rincewind, who was a city wizard born and raised, and as such felt he had about as much right being in a forest as a fish has owning a bicycle, if not considerably less. Ask him how to navigate a city street, and he’ll happily point out all the areas you’ll want to avoid if you want to keep your coin and ability to breathe without making little whistling noises, but put him in a forest and he was as useless as a chocolate oven, for while he was quite aware, in the same way one knows the sky is blue, that there were various differences among types of tree by which their nearest and dearest could tell them apart, the only thing he knew for certain was that the end without the leaves fitted into the ground.

He remembered something about being able to tell where you were by looking at which side of a tree the moss grew on, and then promptly forgot about it, as these trees seemed to have decided to spite him by refusing to grow a single hint of moss on the smooth trunks; Typical really.

He moved to stand up, intending to give the nearest one a petulant kick, only for his spine to make a sound not unlike a gearbox makes when you forget the clutch, leading to him toppling face first into it, a single apple dropping on his head with a thump “Ow!”

“You okay Pard’ner?” the voice from before asked, as laid back as ever, though Rincewind was relieved to hear a hint of concern for him there somewhere. Concern meant the speaker wasn’t planning something nasty to do to him at the moment.

“Fine…fine…” he assured the speaker, leaning against the trunk as he pushed himself to his feet, grimacing slightly as his back protested whenever he tried to straighten up too far “Just seemed to have put my back out…must’ve been the fall.”

“Eeyup, I’d reckon so…” the speaker noted in agreement “I’d try to keep from movin’ too much jest yet if’n I were you Pard’ner.”

“I think I’ll take you up on that…” Rincewind muttered, dropping onto all fours again, sighing in relief as the pain in his back immediately lessened, “Oh that’s better…”

He trailed off, his eyes widening in horror as he stared at his hands, or rather, the area where his hands USED to peak out from the end of the tattered sleeves of his Wizarding robe. In their place was a pair of brown hooves, hooves, he realised with dawning horror, which were attached to a pair of legs that had taken up residence where his arms had previously called home.

“Oh no…” he whispered, pawing, or hoofing rather, at his face, only to recoil as he found that it had stretched out into a rather prominent snout, and that two pointed, equine ears were peeking out from under the rim of his hat “Oh No-no-no-no-no-!”

“Something the matter Pard’ner?” the voice asked in concern, Rincewind FINALLY turning to look at his companion, only to find himself snout to snout with a large, larger than HIM anyway, red horse with an orange mane. It had two baskets of apples on its back, and a concerned look on its surprisingly expressive face.

“You’re a horse!” Rincewind yelped, or was it whinnied? He’d certainly never heard a horse make a yelping noise before “No, wait horses don’t talk, that’d be ridiculous, what would horses need to talk for…”

“Ah’m a pony, not a horse.” The red stallion countered, a tad reproachfully, though it, HE, continued to eye Rincewind with the same look of detached concern one uses when facing someone with mental problems “And why wouldn’t I be able to talk? Yer talkin’ sure enough.”

“But that’s different! I’M not supposed to be a horse…pony!” he amended quickly at the red Stallion’s frown, as even in his unhinged state, he knew better than to insult something that looked like it could carry a knight in full plate armour without breaking a sweat.

“That must’a been one heck of a nasty fall you had there…” the Red pony muttered, quirking a brow at the panicking wizard before looking up at the apple tree he’d just vacated “How’d you get up there anyways?”

“Hell if I know…” Rincewind muttered with complete honesty, though internally he sent a glare towards the section of his mind where The Spell lurked, scowling as it gave the mental equivalent of looking the other way and whistling sheepishly “Magic I suspect.”

“Ah,” the pony noted, nodding his head as if all the answers had fallen into place with that one sentence “Yer one of them there Magicians are you? I should’a guessed from the hat.”

“The correct term is WIZARD, thank you.” Rincewind replied testily, not for the first time, as it was a common misconception that people confused the two. The difference between a Magician and a Wizard however, was that while a Magician could pull a rabbit out of a hat, a Wizard could turn you INTO the hat, though they’d have a hell of time convincing a rabbit to get into the damn thing afterwards.

“Meant no offence Mister Wizard.” The stallion assured him, his tone respectful, a rarity for Rincewind to be sure “Name’s Big Macintosh. You got a name, Mister Wizard?”

“Rincewind, and don’t call me Mister, just Rincewind will do.” The Wizard muttered, knowing first hand that people treating him respectfully was simply asking for trouble.

“Rincewind huh?” the aptly named Big Macintosh muttered, as if tasting the name “Sure enough, sounds like a Wizarding name ter me.”

“Er…really?” Rincewind wondered, eyeing the larger Stallion to see if he was having him on, only to see nothing but complete honesty in that big red face.

“Mind you, we don’t get many magic users round these parts.” Big Macintosh admitted, the straw in his mouth shifting from one side of his mouth to the other “Plenty a unicorns, no mistake, but most of ‘em don’t use magic much save fer menial chores or whatever their special talent is.”

“Did you say Unicorns?” Rincewind repeated sharply, stiffening slightly, eyeing the woods around them fearfully for a flash of white in between the leaves. For while Rincewind was a City Wizard, and had, until entering into Twoflower’s employ, considered the countryside to be something that happened to other people, that didn’t mean he didn’t know the old legends. ANY wizard worth his pointy hat quickly learned to be wary of anything eldritch in nature, and it didn’t get more eldritch than the deranged mounts of the Lords and Ladies.

“Eeyup.” Big Macintosh confirmed with his laid back tone “Not many of ‘em mind you, n’ the only one I can think of with any REAL talent for magic is Miss Rarity, an’ all she uses it fer is ta find the gems she uses fer her dressmaking.”

“I’m sorry? Dressmaking?” Rincewind repeated, blinking at the red stallion in confusion. Understandable really, as none of the old tales about unicorns mentioned anything about tailoring.

“Eeyup, she run’s th’ Carousel Boutique…fanciest tailor shop in all Ponyville.” Big Macintosh confirmed, nodding his head behind him, towards a path that lead down the line of trees towards what appeared to be a humble looking village “That’s where ye are if’n yer wonderin’. Ta be more precise, yer in mah family’s Apple Orchard at Sweet Apple Acres, just outside’a Ponyville proper.”

“I see…” Rincewind mumbled, the Wizard having surpassed panic, overshot terror completely, and was currently floating along in the soft tranquil waters of calm “I’m guessing from the name that everyone ELSE in town is of the…Equine persuasion?”

“Eeyup.” Big Macintosh nodded, his gaze one of utmost concern as he glanced down at the smaller pony “Listen, you want me to show you the way? We can stop by Nurse Red Heart’s clinic if yer not feelin’ right…”

“If it’s not too much trouble, yes…” Rincewind agreed, smiling pleasantly as his eyes rolled up into his skull, the poni-fied wizard passing out in a dead faint at the foot of the tree he’d recently vacated.

Big Macintosh blinked, eyeing the smaller stallion warily, nudging him with his hoof to see if he was alright. When no response came, he sighed and shook his head, peering up at the tree he’d bucked him out of with an intrigued expression in his green eyes.

“Big Macintosh?” a voice called out, the stallion looking up to see a small orange filly trotting towards him, two baskets of apples adorning her flanks, much like his own, albeit smaller for obvious reasons. Unlike Big Macintosh, who simply let his mane flow free in a slapdash manner, this pony had opted to tie hers back in a, for lack of a better word, ponytail, the rest hidden beneath a rather fetching brown Stetson hat that only seemed to accentuate the white, freckle-like markings on her face “There y'are, ah just finished my part a’ the gatherin’ fer the day, what about you?”

“Good timing Applejack.” Big Macintosh greeted, the stallion drawing the filly’s attention to the unconscious form of Rincewind, who was still smiling happily even as he lay on the ground “Ran into a mighty strange situation.”

“Oh mah gosh!” the filly, Applejack, exclaimed, trotting up to the recumbent wizard-turned-pony and prodding him with one gentle hoof “What happened to him? Looks like he took a right blow to the noggin!”

“Eeyup, fell outta a tree.” Big Macintosh admitted, nodding his head to the offending flora in question, only to shrug offhandedly “Didn’t say how he got up there, but reckons it was a spell gone wrong.”

“He does look like one of em magic-types don’t he?” Applejack admitted, eyeing the pony’s tattered, sequined robes carefully “Wonder where he’s from? I don’t think I’d miss someone dressed like THIS walkin’ around these parts…he tell you anything?”

“Just that his name’s Rincewind and he’s supposedly a Wizard.” Big Macintosh admitted, nodding his head at his sister’s look of shock “I know, shocked me too.”

“Land sakes!” Applejack exclaimed, her eyes wide with the implications “If that’s true, then that means he must be from Canterlot! Maybe he’s the Court Wizard or something!”

“Could be…” Big Macintosh muttered, neither denying it or confirming it as he stepped forward, using his teeth to grab the scruff of Rincewind’s robe and hoist the smaller pony up onto his broad shoulders, a little surprised at how light he actually was.

‘Shucks, even Applebloom weighs more’n this!’ he muttered, eyeing the unconscious pony with concern as Applejack helped fix him to her brother’s back properly ‘When was the last time he had a decent meal?’

“In any case,” he spoke up, once Applejack stepped back from her work “he hit his head pretty hard fallin’ outta that tree, and standin’ around chattin’ about it isn’t doin’ him a lick a good.”

“Yer right,” Applejack agreed, her expression turning serious as she helped fix Rincewind to her brother’s back “I’ll run on ahead and alert Nurse Red Heart that you’re on the way. You take it easy on them there roads and meet me at the clinic, okay?”

“Eeyup.” Big Macintosh agreed, watching as his younger sibling took off at a gallop before setting off himself at a fast yet gentle trot, not quite a canter, so as not to disturb the recumbent form of his passenger, who was muttering off things about shrimp and millenniums under his breath.

I'll just leave off there for now. Sucky i know, cliffhangers are the enemy and all, but hay, what can a first time brony writer do?

Also, for those of you wondering what the little asterisks are for, here ya go.

1 - Imagine a diving suit designed by men who had never seen the sea.
2 - something 99% of the University’s residents enjoyed in varying degrees for reasons that ranged from 'everyone else is doing it' to 'purely medicinal'.
3 - It is unknown whether the book has the same effect on women, since none are allowed in the Library.
4 - And may only be accessed by wizards who are over eighty and, if at all possible, dead.
5 - Get your mind out of the gutter you pervert.

Chapter 2: Twilight Sparkle

Well, the first chapter seemed to go down well enough, thank Luna. So here's the second one, where everyone's favorite Wizzzard meets everyone's favorite Egghead.

Chapter 2: Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight Sparkle sighed, the purple Unicorn glaring disconsolately down at the scenery below as she as the royal guards escorted her to her destination.

Now, most people, upon seeing a purple unicorn, would wonder what on earth they had possibly consumed to summon up such a sight, and whether or not it would be safe to inhume a second helping. Others, typically of the Magical persuasion, would already be running for the hills or groping around for the nearest iron implement with which to defend themselves from the horned beastie.

Not that Twilight was exceptionally dangerous mind you, a little single-minded when it came to her research maybe, and a little out of the loop when it came to social interactions, but she was generally considered to be a friendly, if not particularly outgoing pony, and one of the brightest minds in all Equestria, having been personally chosen as a disciple of Princess Celestia herself, the two sharing a bond that went beyond master and student, to the point Twilight considered her a second mother.

It was therefore rather ironic that Celestia was, if not solely, at least one of the many accumulating factors behind her current depressed state.

Now as anypony and their grandmother that attended the Canterlot University knew, Twilight Sparkle loved books. Any type, any context, it didn’t matter, she’d read it from cover to cover, whether it be a tome of ancient languages long forgotten or a children’s picture book.

In this instance, she had been reading a book of Equestrian Lore, written by none other than Starswirl the bearded no less, regarding the tale of her master and her sister, Princess Luna, who had become so embittered by the Ponies shunning of her night over her sister’s daytime she had transformed into the Wicked Mare of Darkness, Nightmare Moon, who attempted to bring about Eternal Night, effectively shrouding the lands in darkness forever.

Celestia, torn between her sister and her duties as princess, was left with no other option but to use the Elements of Harmony, the most powerful magical artefacts in Equestria in order to defeat her sister, banishing her to the moon of Equestria, where legend has it she remains to this day, Celestia taking on the duties of Day and Night in order to preserve the balance.

Many a pony that had read the book had put it off as an old mare’s tale. After all, there was certainly no proof that there had ever been a second princess, and really, would there even NEED to be one, as Celestia seemed to handle the duties of raising the sun and moon pretty well on her own. But Twilight, being the bibliophile that she was, hadn’t allowed her curiosity to dim there, having read, in Starswirl’s Prediction’s and Prophecies, that on the longest day of the thousandth year, Nightmare Moon would be making a return appearance in Equestria, aided in her escape by a chance alignment of the stars.
Naturally, like any good student, she had immediately written to Princess Celestia, revealing her findings and her concern over the issue, trusting in the relationship they shared and her master’s infinite wisdom to resolve the issue as quickly as possible.

It had therefore come as a quite a shock that, rather than putting her fears to rest, Celestia had told her, in her usual amused manner, to ‘Stop reading those dusty old books’, before sending her out, with her faithful companion Spike, a baby Dragon she’d hatched as part of her initiation, to oversee the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration in a backwater little town called Ponyville, and had all but ordered her to ‘make some friends’.

‘I have friends…’ she muttered petulantly, though it lacked any real heat, casting a sideways glance towards Spike, who couldn't seem to hide his excitement at being allowed out of the Castle Library for the first time in years, Twilight flinching as she recalled the comments of several of her classmates when she’d passed them up on an earlier offer to go out ‘Well, acquaintances maybe…surely those count?’

“Look on the bright side, Twilight.” Spike offered, the little dragon no doubt sensing his partner’s distress over her all-but banishment from Canterlot “The princess arranged for you to stay in a library. Doesn't that make you happy?

“Yes!” Twilight admitted, perking up instantly at the revelation, sending a mental prayer of thanks to her master for not forsaking her entirely “Yes it does. You know why? Because I'm right. I'll check on the preparations as fast as I can, then get to the library and find some proof of Night Mare Moon's return.”

“Then when will you make friends, like the Princess said?” Spike asked, eyeing the purple unicorn with confused concern even as the Royal Guards that were transporting them began their descent towards the hamlet below.

“She said to check on preparations.” Twilight reminded him primly “I am her student and I'll do my Royal Duty, but the fate of Equestria does not rest on me making friends.”

So saying, she dismounted from the carriage, offering a brief ‘Thank you’ to her escorts, who huffed proudly before taking to the sky once more, leaving Twilight and Spike to canter into town on their own.

“Maybe the ponies in Ponyville have interesting things to talk about?” Spike insisted, the little dragon refusing to let his partner give up without even trying, gesturing to a bright pink pony with balloons on her flank as she trotted towards them “Come on, Twilight. Just try.”

Twilight sighed, shaking her head at her friend’s persistence, deciding to at least make an attempt to be civil, it WAS an order from the Princess after all, and so offered a nervous, yet nonetheless friendly smile towards the pink Pony, who’d stopped to stare at her in obvious confusion “Uh... Hello?”

Needless to say, seeing the pony leap five feet into the air with a gasp of shock before high-tailing it out of there like a bolt of pink lighting didn’t do much for the Unicorn’s self-esteem.

“Well that was interesting all right…” she muttered, covering up her disappointment and hurt with her usual sceptic manner, Spike sighing in defeat before moving to follow her towards the first stop on their list: Namely the banquet preparations at Sweet Apple acres.

Rincewind cursed, the Wizard turned Pony balancing awkwardly on top of a stepladder, a stack of books resting awkwardly on one hoof while he placed another tenderly into its space on the shelf.

It had been almost a year since he’d come here, almost a year since he’d woken up in a tree at Sweet Apple Acres, almost a year since he’d met Big Macintosh, almost a year since he’d passed out due to the shock of being turned into a pony and the concussion he’d suffered from falling out of a tree.

After regaining consciousness, and receiving absolute assurance that none of the unicorn nurses were going to impale him with anything sharper than a thermometer(1), he’d been introduced to Big Macintosh’s little sister, Applejack, and after almost having his arm, or foreleg rather, shaken off by her admittedly strong hand, hoof, shake, had been asked to explain who he was, where he’d come from, and how it was he’d managed to find himself upside down in one of their trees.

He’d hesitated at first, his eyes quickly noting various escape routes from the room, a necessity he’d developed over the years even prior to his meeting with Twoflower, relaxing slightly when it appeared they had no intention of seriously detaining him(2), or if they were, it wouldn’t be an entirely unpleasant stay, before giving them a brief recount of what had transpired, leaving out the bit about falling off the world, as people tended to get a bit iffy about the subject where he came from. In the end, he’d simply admitted to casting a spell, which was entirely true, even if he couldn’t believe it himself, a matter which they readily accepted from his earlier admission to Big Macintosh, as well as his apparent status as a Unicorn.

‘As if turning me into a bloody horse wasn’t bad enough…’ he muttered, glaring mentally at The Spell as it lounged lazily in the deep, unused recesses of his mind. It hadn’t tried to get itself said again, mainly because nothing truly dangerous, or at least nothing inherently life threatening, ever seemed to happen in Ponyville, unless you counted the seemingly random predictions of a certain Pink Earth Pony.

“RINCEY!” an energetic voice cried out, the pony in question slamming the door to the Library open, Rincewind letting out an instinctual shriek of terror as he leapt from his perch and clung to the chandelier, the pink pony looking up at him in confusion “What’re you doing up there silly?”

“Dusting…” Rincewind snarked, glaring pointedly at the noisy, pink furred intruder, only to sigh as the sarcasm went right over the mare’s head, the Wizard slowly attempting to lower himself down “What can I do for you Pinkie?”

“Omigosh, Rincey!” the pink mare cheered, hopping up and down so fast in her excitement she put jackhammers to shame, almost dislodging Rincewind from his perch “There’s a new unicorn in town!”

“Ah yes,” Rincewind muttered, flinching instinctively at the mention of the word ‘Unicorn’, as even after a year he wasn’t at ease with the concept of horned magical equines, “The new arrival from Canterlot, Mayor Mare mentioned she might stop by later…”

“You knew she was coming Rincey?” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, eyeing the Wizard with a hurt expression in her blue eyes “And you didn’t tell me? Oh now I’m going to have to work twice as hard to get everything ready for her welcome par-!”

“Oh no!” Rincewind muttered, the Wizard frowning as he plugged the mare’s mouth shut with one hoof, grimacing slightly as she continued to rant on despite the impediment, her tongue tickling his hoof “No more holding parties in the library! I’m still tidying up after the LAST one you threw!”

Pinkie muttered something unintelligible around his hoof, the Poni-fied Wizard sighing as he removed the offending appendage from her mouth with a pop “But the library’s the only place with enough space to house everyone without being outside!” she insisted, looking at the Wizard with big, pouty eyes “Come on Rincey…It won’t be a surprise party if she sees us setting up…”

“Don’t call me Rincey…” Rincewind muttered half-heartedly, endeavouring to keep the frown on his face even as he felt his will crumble in the face of Pinkie’s pouty expression “Oh blast it all FINE!” he muttered, shaking his hoof at her face in lieu of his finger “But you’re helping me tidy up afterwards!”

“Yay!” Pinkie cheered, scooping the startled Wizard up in a bone jarring hug before dropping him on the ground and dashing out the door again “I gotta let the cakes know! I’ll be right back!”

“Take your time…” Rincewind muttered blearily, the Wizard shaking his head to clear it, taking in deep breaths that made his ribs ache comfortingly, sighing in exasperation as he got to his feet “Honestly…that girl will be the death of me.”

Since coming to live in Ponyville, the former human had gotten to know several of the residents rather well, some more so than others.

The first, of course, were the Apple Family, who put him up at their farm until he found his job at the Library, and whom still insisted he visit them once a week for dinner, Granny Apple having sworn to fatten him up or die trying. Normally, Rincewind would’ve been wary of precisely what purpose the old mare wanted to fatten him up for, but such concerns were soon laid to rest by the fact that ponies were herbivores, and therefore not exactly inclined to indulge in cannibalism. That, and the fact that Granny Apple made the best damned apple pies he’d ever consumed.

The next person he’d met had been Mayor Mare, the leader of Ponyville, who’d come to visit him shortly after he was released from Nurse Redheart’s tender mercies. He’d been wary of her at first, a sound tactic of anyone who’d been summoned to Lord Vetinari’s office, but said fears had soon been put to rest when she’d offered him a job as head librarian for the Ponyville Library, which included pay, lodging, and all the books he could read(3).

‘Come to think of it, that book she was looking for finally came in…’ he recalled, trotting over to a nearby table, where the book in question, some trashy novel called ‘moonlight’ or something, was lying in a delivery satchel ‘I’d best get that out of the way before Pinkie messes the place up again…’

Pinkamena ‘Pinkie’ Diane Pie had been the third pony Rincewind had the pleasure of meeting, throwing a party for him much like the one she was no doubt planning for their newest neighbour.

‘I only hope she handles surprises better than I do…’ he muttered, flinching in pity at the memory of his first encounter with a Pinkie Pie Party. He’d been so shocked by the explosion of noise and lights that he’d already cleared the Ponyville Bridge by the time the words ‘Surprise!’ had registered in his brain, and even then, it had taken Big Macintosh to get him out of the Apple family’s barn.

“Yo, Rincey!” a voice called out, the Wizard looking up to see another familiar face, a blue Pegasus with a rainbow colored mane and tail, peering down at him from her perch on a cloud “Man, today’s full a surprises! First that new Unicorn shows up, then you actually come outta that Library of yours? Wonder what’s the occasion?”

“Rainbow Dash.” Rincewind greeted, a little warily, as he and Ponyville’s fastest Pegasus didn’t really get along. It wasn’t anything she’d done to him, specifically, though she DID have a reputation as being a prankster, it was simply her personality, namely that ‘charge headfirst into danger’ attitude which everyone so admired, simply rubbed him the wrong way(4) “I take it you met our new arrival then?”

“Could say that…” Rainbow admitted, smiling at some no doubt amusing memory that had Rincewind wincing in sympathy for the poor Mare, unicorn or no “Should’a seen her face when I cleared out all the clouds in ten seconds flat!”

“After leaving them hovering around for three days straight.” Rincewind pointed out, earning a sheepish glare from the blue Pegasus “Pinkie’s throwing her a party later, think you could spread the word?”

“Another party?” Rainbow wondered, a teasing smirk adorning her features as she took in the Wizard’s brow-beaten expression “You sure you’re up for it Rincey? I hear you’re still tidying up from the last one.”

“Yes, well, if a certain SOMEONE,” Rincewind muttered, glaring pointedly at the rainbow-maned Pegasus “whose name I shall not mention, hadn’t gotten plastered and crashed into my bookshelves, perhaps I wouldn’t be run so ragged now would I?”

“Aw c’mon Rincey…!” Rainbow muttered, blushing slightly as nonetheless averted her eyes at the memory of that night “I said I was sorry…How was I to know that stuff was alcoholic?”

‘The fact that I kept it in the basement with my other concoction’s for one?’ Rincewind muttered, though he wisely said nothing, as he really should’ve known better than to leave one of his many attempts at brewing alcohol (5) out in the open where Pinkie could stumble across it and use it to spike the punch.

“Had a heck of a kick to it I’ll give it that…” Rainbow admitted, her eyes crossing as she tried to recall the exact flavour “What did you call it? Scrumpy? What was in it?”

“Scumble,” Rincewind corrected, marvelling, not for the first time, at the power of the equine digestive system, as if he’d consumed as much of the stuff as Rainbow Dash had at the party (6) back in Ankh Morpork, they’d have been able to use his liver as a doorstop “and it’s made from apples…mostly(7)”

“Whatever it was, it was damned tasty.” Rainbow smirked, “Darn effective too, I don’t think Rarity’ll ever live down that dance routine she did with the lampshade.”

“I do believe you promised to never speak of that again.” A prim voice spoke up, the two ponies looking up to see a white unicorn with a purple mane trotting towards them “Honestly Rainbow Dash, you can be so uncouth some times.”

“Yeah whatever Rarity…” Rainbow shot back, Rincewind’s hackles rising at the sight of the Pegasus’ teasing grin “At least I wasn't twirling around like a show-pony.”

Rincewind began backing away as Rarity’s nostrils flared, the unicorn’s eyes flashing in anger, only to be replaced with a coy smile as she covered her mouth with one hoof “Maybe so…” she admitted, her tone coy as a cat in a creamery “But at least ‘I’ wasn’t flying around threatening to make the bookshelves ‘My Mare’.”

By the time the first sounds of a mare-fight were underway, Rincewind was little more than a dust cloud on the horizon, headed towards the Mayor’s office.

“Women…” Rincewind sighed, shaking his head in exasperation as he trotted out of the Mayor’s office, leaving the normally composed Mare hugging her paperback to her chest, hissing about ‘the precious’ in a manner that was, quite frankly, disturbing “I guess it doesn’t matter the species, there are some things man was never meant to understand…”

It wasn’t that Rincewind was sexist, as a Wizard he was never supposed to have much truck with sex to begin with, and even prior to coming to Equestria, had held the distinction of being unusually respectful of women for a Wizard, mainly because they were just as capable of doing unspeakably painful things to him as men were.

The problem was that Rincewind, and any Wizard really, understood considerably less about women than the average man, mainly because women were forbidden from setting foot inside the Unseen University (8), meaning what little understanding he’d gained of the species had occurred after he’d been kicked out onto the streets, and generally involved a lot of running.

‘Speaking of running…’ he muttered, glancing up at the sky with a frown ‘I’d best be heading back, no telling what Pinkie’s done to the Library by now…honestly that mare…’

“Oh!” a surprised voice called out, Rincewind looking up to see another familiar face shuffling awkwardly outside the door to the Library “H-Hello, Rincewind…”

“Fluttershy?” Rincewind wondered, blinking at the sight of the shy Pegasus warily. One would wonder how you could be wary of Fluttershy, who was about as threatening as a marshmallow and just as sweet, but then most people probably never saw her wrestle a ten foot grizzly bear into submission with her bare hooves, so it was rather understandable that Rincewind was wary about upsetting her “What are you doing here?”

“Oh my…” the shy Pegasus mumbled, pawing at the ground shyly “Well, you see, I was practicing with the birds for the Summer Sun Celebration, when this new Unicorn showed up…” she suddenly perked up and started gushing “And she has a baby dragon with her! He was so cute! I’ve never seen one up close you know!!

“I can’t imagine why you’d want to.” Rincewind replied blandly, shivering slightly at the very idea. Even on his own world, where the worst thing a Dragon could do was explode and take you with it, Rincewind had endeavoured to steer clear of the little beasties whenever he could, as they ate ANYTHING, organic or otherwise, if it sat still long enough(9). Needless to say, the Dragons of Equestria were not so awkwardly put together, and according to scriptures he’d found in the library, were just as intelligent, if not more so, than the average pony, and were quite a sight to behold (10), “But what are you doing here?”

“OH! Well, you see, the little dragon, his name is Spike, was telling me his life story as we walked through town.” Fluttershy continued, smiling energetically “Apparently he and his owner came from Canterlot to oversee the festival preparations, I wish I could have asked what life was like in Canterlot, but by then they’d already gone inside…”

“Inside where?” Rincewind demanded, blinking in alarm as he glanced past the shy Pegasus towards the door to his home and livelihood “Not the Library!”

He pushed past the stuttering Pegasus before she could reply, a part of his mind, the part usually involved in noticing small details that might impede his flight from certain to not-so-certain peril, raising flags as to the folly of following a fire breathing dragon, regardless of its size and age, into a flammable structure full of flammable books and his highly volatile experiments in alcohol, but by that point he had already yanked the door open, practically ripping it off its hinges in his bid to get inside

“SURPRISE!” several voices cried out, Rincewind letting out a shriek of alarm as he actually leapt up onto the chandelier, looking down in alarm to see what had to be every filly in Ponyville looking up at him in surprise.

“Yay! Rincey, you made it!” Pinkie Pie called out, the hyperactive pink pony bouncing giddily next to a stunned looking purple unicorn with a pink star on her hindquarters “Now this party can really get underway!”

“Bugger all Pinkie! I thought I told you not to go overboard!” the poni-fied Wizard snapped, glaring down at the bane of his sanity, for all the good it did, as Pinkie had turned her attentions to the purple unicorn, who was clearly just as irritated by this current development as Rincewind was ‘Finally, someone I can relate too…’ he muttered, lowering himself down awkwardly, only to slip and fall from his perch with a cry of “BUGGER!”

“Ouch…” Twilight grimaced, wincing in pity as the poor brown colt in the ragged looking robe and hat crashed into a pile of books nearby “Is he alright?”

“Hm? Oh yeah, that’s just Rincewind.” Pinkie Pie assured the purple unicorn, as if the sight of a pony falling from a chandelier was an everyday occurrence “He’s a little highly strung but he’s a great guy! He lives here in the library you know!”

“Really?” Twilight wondered, quirking a brow in interest, eyeing the rather pathetic looking colt as he pulled himself out of the book pile with the aid of a few of the party guests “I’m surprised he let you do all this…Libraries are supposed to be quiet.

“Yeah, Rincey’s great like that.” Pinkie giggled “Besides, what kind of welcome party would this be if it were quiet?” she rolled her eyes “I mean, duh! Bo-ring! You see, I saw you when you first got here, remember? You were all, hello, and I was all…”

Twilight sighed, doing her best to ignore the clearly insane pink filly as she made her way over to the refreshment table, wondering what on Equestria she’d done to deserve this, using her magic to levitate one of the bottles into a nearby goblet, taking a sip only to spray the contents across the library “GAH!” she choked, her throat burning as if it were on fire “What is this stuff?”

“Scumble!” Pinkie chirped, the demented pink pony chugging down a whole bottle of the stuff in one go, letting out an impressive belch when she finished “Isn’t it tasty? Rincewind makes it in his basement!”

“Isn’t that illegal?” Twilight wondered, referring to the laws in Canterlot pertaining to the distillation of alcohol without a licence, only to yelp as Spike, who had been chugging down a bottle his own after a tentative taste, let out a belch of flame that almost singed her cutie mark off “Spike!”

“Sorry Twilight…” the little dragon offered, chuckling sheepishly “This stuffs got a heck of a kick to it.” He noted admiringly, holding up the bottle in question, only to drop it with a yelp as someone grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and hoisted him off his feet “Hey! What the heck! Lemme go-!”

“Spike!” Twilight exclaimed, the unicorn looking on in alarm as the red-clad pony, Rincewind, carried her struggling friend towards the door of the library, tossing him out on his backside.

“AND STAY OUT!” the Wizard quickly rounding on the rest of the partygoers, who had fallen into silence at his unusual display of anger “As for the rest of you, Party’s over! Goodbye and don’t let the door hit you on the way out!”

“Oh come on Rincey!” Pinkie Pie pouted, even as some of the guests began to mutter amongst themselves in disappointment “We were just getting started!”

“I said OUT!” Rincewind snapped, kicking the door open again, catching a startled spike on the nose and sending the poor Dragon sprawling on his back, a concerned Fluttershy hovering over him nervously “OUT! All of you! Go party in the streets for all I care! Just get out of my library!”

“Hey wait a minute!” Twilight stammered, the unicorn struggling against the crowd of disappointed ponies as they trudged out of the Library, taking the food and drink with them “I need to find a book on-!” she trailed off as the door to the library slammed in her face “Hey!”

“I wouldn’t push it if’n I were you Twilight…” Applejack warned, the Stetson sporting Apple filly sidling up to the dumbstruck unicorn as the rest of the partygoers mulled around, looking upset that the party had been cancelled before it got off the ground “I ain’t never seen Rincey so shook up afore. Ain’t no tellin’ what he’s liable to do, him bein’ a wizard n’all.”

“Wait, what?” Twilight stammered, the unicorn pausing in her hammering on the door to gape at the Stetson sporting filly in surprise, unable to believe what she’d just heard “A Wizard? Like ‘Starswirl the Bearded’ Wizard? HIM?”

“Well sure, didn’t Pinkie tell ya’ll earlier?” Applejack wondered, quirking a brow at the unicorn as if she were a mite slow “He just turned up outta thin air one day up at mah family’s orchard, been here ever since, tryin’ ta figure out a spell to send him home.”

“HE’S a wizard?” Spike opined, the little dragon glaring sourly at the door to the library as he rubbed his abused snout tenderly, clearly not believing a word of it “No way.”

“Yah-huh!” Pinkie countered, the pink filly bouncing up and down “He is TOO a wizard! He’s even got it stitched onto his hat!”

“Oh please, he can’t even SPELL Wizard!” Rainbow Dash opined, the blue Pegasus scoffing in disdain, as she hovered in mid-air “He’s just a stick in the mud that likes to think he’s some all-powerful unicorn out of a Trotkein novel!”

“Well whoever he is, he’s got the right ta kick us outta the library if he sees fit,” Applejack pointed out, trying to calm the crowd “An’ I don’t know about y’all, but if someone set MAH tail on fire, I wouldn’t want ‘em hangin’ around any longer’n they had to.”

“I said I was sorry…” Spike muttered petulantly, but his anger at being thrown out was slowly being replaced with disappointment, a sentiment shared by the rest of the partygoers, some of which were considering leaving “So what now? Is the part over?”

“Not hardly!” Rainbow Dash countered, pumping one foreleg “Hey Applejack! Think we could all squeeze into that barn of yours?”

“Ah reckon so,” Applejack reasoned, leaping onto a nearby barrel and whistling to catch the crowd’s attention “C’mon everypony! We’re movin this ‘ere party tah mah place!”

“Come on Twilight…” Spike urged, the dragon tugging on his mistress’ tail to get her to follow the cheering crowd “We’re gonna miss the party!”

Twilight paused, staring into the window of the library, her attention fixed on the blurry form of Rincewind as he stormed about sorting through the books, sighing in defeat before turning to follow the herd as they made for Sweet Apple Acres.

Yeah yeah, I know, another cliffhanger, but really, foal-steps here people! And yes, Rincewind is scared of Fluttershy. And he hasn't even seen The Stare yet. As for Pinkie...well, as nerve wracking as she can be, he finds her ability to detect trouble useful, and has actually started taking notes of her symptoms so as to best prepare for the worst.

Haven't decided on pairings, if any, but suggestions are always welcome.

01 - And even then he had to be assured they weren't going anywhere near his arse.
02 - If they were they wouldn't have left the windows open, nor placed his bed near one.
03 - Needless to say, Rincewind had to be tied to the bed until they assured him he WASN'T about to be attacked by something horrible as a result of whatever messed up karma governed his life.
04 - Rincewind was a firm believer in the practice of running feet first AWAY from Danger.
05 - As a Wizard, or indeed, a former resident of the Disc, Rincewind found the 'Hard Licker' of Equestria to be somewhat lacking. Thus far his attempts to recreate hardier fare has been decidedly explosive.
06 - More than half a shot glass.
07 - The staff didn't count, and besides, SOMEONE had to do the bloody Laundry.
08 - Like many would be brewers, Rincewind learned how to brew Scumble from his father, who passed on (rather unsteadily) the family recipe, as well as the standard warning of never, EVER, allowing it to come into contact with Metal.
09 - And anything that moved at all really.
10 - Preferably from a distance of at least the next continent.

Also, I think it rather interesting to note that, while 'Scumble' is a clear pun on 'Scrumpy', it's potency makes it the Discworld equivalent to the Earth Drink: Applejack.

In conclusion, Rincewind just brewed Applejack. Make of that what you will.

Chapter 3: The Mare in The Moon

I'll admit, I had most of the 'Friendship is Magic' arc written well before I ever posted this, so it's highly likely we'll see the elements revived before the month is over.

I'm currently debating what pairings to work with Rincewind at the minute. Yes, I'm well aware that his 'Mind' is that of a human, but his body is that of a Pony, a Unicorn at that, and we all know that magic users are horny little buckers deep down.

cough-Molestia-cough

So yeah, I may do a poll to decide who to pair everyone's favorite Wizzzard with. I personally am considering Applejack or Twilight, but that may change based off how things go.

With that said, Mare in The Moon.

Chapter 3: Mare in The Moon.

Up at sweet Apple Acres, a party was in full swing, the assorted ponies of Ponyville cheering and conversing with one another, enjoying the festivities, as was the norm for ANY party thrown by Pinkamena ‘Pinkie’ Diane Pie.

Well, perhaps saying ALL the partygoers were enjoying themselves would be pushing it. One mare, a certain Twilight Sparkle, was sitting off to the side, a morose expression on her face as she sipped a bottle of apple juice, trying to get the taste of alcohol out of her mouth(1). This wouldn’t be too uncommon, were it not for the fact this party was meant for HER.

“Hey Twilight!” Spike called out, the little dragon waddling over to his friend, a green band wrapped around one eye, and a pin-on tail in the other “Pinkie Pie’s starting Pin The Tail on the Pony! Wanna play?”

“No thanks…” Twilight sighed, unable to muster the energy to voice her irritation in anything louder, the unicorn mare slumping on the table morosely “I swear spike, all the ponies in this town are crazy…nobody seems to care what time it is…!”

“Of course they care!” Spike countered energetically, gesturing to the partying ponies “It's the eve of the Summer Sun Celebration. Everypony has to stay up or they'll miss the Princess raising the sun.” He eyed his companion concernedly “You really should lighten up Twilight. It's a party.”

“Sorry, but I can’t exactly bring myself to enjoy a party that got me kicked out of the only library in town.” Twilight muttered, huffing disconsolately “I thought I’d have time to learn more about the Elements of Harmony after we cleared everything up, but all this ridiculous ‘friend-making’ has kept me from it!”

“It’s not a bad thing to make friends Twilight…” Spike opined, the little dragon eyeing the purple filly with a saddened expression “I mean WE’RE friends, right?”

“Oh, Spike, you know that’s not what I meant…” Twilight sighed, looking at her foal-hood companion with an apologetic, if exhausted expression “But you read the legend back in Canterlot too, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, yeah I know: longest day of the thousandth year, stars will aid in her escape, everlasting night…” Spike recounted, counting off the points with his claws “But Princess Celestia herself told you it was nothing but an old Mare’s Tale, didn’t she?”

“She did…” Twilight murmured, looking up at the moon overhead, shivering at the shadowy image of a unicorn that several craters had formed on its surface “And believe me, I’d like nothing more than to believe it was just that…”

Spike sighed, shaking his head in exasperation, only to blink as a trumpet sounded, looking up to see the revellers were making towards the path back to Ponyville, where he could distantly see several gathering around the Carousel boutique “Come on, Twilight!” he urged, tugging on the unicorn’s foreleg for emphasis “It's time to watch the sun rise!”

“Alright I’m coming…” Twilight mumbled, getting to her feet, a little shakily, as whatever that Scumble stuff had been, a few cups of apple juice hadn’t been enough to completely rid her of the little she’d swallowed back at the Library “At the very least, I’ll be able to ask the princess why she never told me there was an actual WIZARD living here.”

While magical ponies were hardly anything to boast about, as unicorns and even pegasi boasted varying levels of magical acuity, only a scarce few were ever allotted the title of Wizard. The only one Twilight knew of was Starswirl, a descendent of the legendary Starswirl the Bearded and the only Earth Pony in the line, who had gone on a journey some time ago and hadn’t been seen since(2). To learn that there was ANOTHER Wizard, one unconnected to the Starswirl line, living out here in the boondocks was like finding a priceless gem amongst a pile of rocks.

‘And speaking of rocks…’ she muttered, eyes narrowing as a certain annoying ball of pink energy hopped towards her as she lined up with the others to watch the festivities ‘Here’s one that’s got few cluttering up her brain…’

“Isn't this exciting?” Pinkie Pie asked, literally bouncing on her hooves in excitement “Are you excited? Cause I'm excited, I've never been so excited… well, except for that time that I saw you walking into town and I went…”

Twilight sighed, doing her very best to block out the worst of the filly’s rambling, knowing she meant well, but after everything that had gone wrong today, she wanted nothing more than for the Princess to raise the sun so she and Spike could go back to Canterlot where they belonged.

Sure enough, the sound of a fanfare, accompanied by an impressive chorus of birdsong directed by Fluttershy and her avian friends, heralded a dimming of the lights, the assembled ponies looking on eagerly as the Mayor of Ponyville, Mayor Mare, stepped onto the stage and cleared her throat primly.

“Fillies and Gentlecolts!” the bespectacled mare called out, smiling at her fellow residents as they turned their undivided attention towards the stage “As mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!”

As expected, the voices of the crowd rose in jubilation, the Pegasi taking to the air in order to make space for their earthbound brethren, even Twilight’s spirits rising somewhat in the face of this public show of support for her teacher, though that still didn’t put her worries to rest, glancing fretfully up at the Moon, only to flinch as, before her very eyes, the craters that supposedly depicted Nightmare Moon VANISHED.

“And now,” Mayor Mare called out, heedless of the ominous sign as a drumroll sounded throughout the carousel boutique “it is my great honour to introduce to you the ruler of our land. The very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria: Ready?”

At her words, a fanfare sounded, Rarity tugging on a rope to part the curtains behind which the Princess was to appear in a burst of magical sunlight, only for the spotlight to shine on an empty balcony, the assembled ponies gasping in shock and confusion at the absence of their beloved ruler.

“This…can't be good…” Twilight murmured, dread rising from the pit of the Unicorn’s stomach even as Mayor Mare tried to calm the alarmed ponies down.

“Ooh! Ooh! I love guessing games!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, earning a look of exasperation from Twilight, the hyperactive pony literally trotting on the spot as she glanced all over the packed boutique “Is she hiding?” she wondered, as if honestly expecting Twilight to have the answer, even as Rarity, who’d gone backstage to see if there had been some sort of complication, returned and declared the Princess had simply vanished “Ooh, she's good…” the pink pony declared in a stage whisper, only to gasp in surprise, a sentiment shared by almost all the other ponies, as a cloud of dark purple mist began to gather on the podium where Celestia was to appear, convalescing into the form of a tall, regal looking black Alicorn with teal coloured, catlike eyes and a mane and tail seemingly composed of a cloud of the same dark mist.

Unlike Celestia, whose adornments consisted of a necklace, crown and golden slippers, this Alicorn sported a blue helm with matching breastplate, and whereas Celestia’s cutie mark was a shining sun, this black Mare bore a Crescent Moon over a Purple cloud that matched her mane.

“Nightmare Moon!” Twilight exclaimed, gaping up at the fallen Princess of Equestria in horror, even as Spike toppled off her back in a dead faint.

“Oh, my beloved subjects.” The Dark Alicorn called out, her voice as regal and intimidating as Celestia’s had been warm and inviting, her catlike eyes gazing over the crowd of cowering ponies with dark amusement “It's been so long since I've seen your precious little sun-loving faces.”

A shiver ran through the crowd at her words, and well they SHOULD be nervous, for she had not forgotten how they spurned her beautiful night for her sister’s daylight. Indeed, it had been the memory of that very scorn that had kept her sane during her imprisonment.

“What did you do with our Princess?” a crass voice challenged, the Mare in the Moon’s catlike eyes snapping towards a rainbow-maned Pegasus Pony, who made as if to charge the stage, only to be held back by an Earth Pony, of the Apple Clan it would appear, judging by her Cutie Mark, who had wisely intervened to save her friend from suffering for her rash attitude.

“Why?” she asked, chuckling in dark amusement as she gazed down at the insolent filly “Am I not royal enough for you?” her amusement faded as quickly as it came as she narrowed her catlike eyes at the pair “Don't you know who I am?”

“Ooh! Ooh! More guessing games!” an annoying voice called out, the perpetrator an Earth pony with the most SHOCKING pink fur the Mare in the Moon had ever seen. Just looking at her for too long was threatening to make her head hurt “Um...Hokey Smokes! How about Queen Meanie? No! Black Snooty, Black Snooty-!”

The Apple Clan Mare, who was still holding back the Rash Rainbow-Hued one, again showed her wisdom by stuffing a cupcake into the Annoying Pink One’s mouth, for had she been allowed to continue it was highly likely that Nightmare’s temper would have snapped. As it were, it was taking every ounce of the Mare in the Moon’s self-control not to silence her in a more PERMANENT fashion*.

“Does my crown no longer count, now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years?” she demanded, glaring at a pathetic looking yellow Pegasus, who cowered before her regal form, “Did you not recall the legend?” she demanded, using her mane to hold the cheeks of the white Unicorn who’d opened the curtains in place, flicking it mockingly in her ire “Did you not see the signs?”

“I did!” a voice called out, Nightmare’s head snapping up as the crowd parted to reveal a little purple unicorn with a pink star adorning her flank, standing next to what appeared to be an unconscious dragon-spawn “And I know who you are.” She declared, her eyes narrowed accusingly as she had the audacity to glare at her Princess “You're the Mare in the Moon: Nightmare Moon!”

“Well, well, well…” the Dark Alicorn noted, a smile of Dark amusement adorning her face as she gazed down at the little unicorn, ignoring the gasps of horror and shock from the assembled ponies at the revelation of her identity “somepony who remembers me.” Her eyes narrowed “Then you should also know why I'm here…” she chuckled darkly as the look of defiance fled from the unicorn’s eyes, replaced with such delicious fear that she couldn’t help but chuckle at how helpless she looked “Remember this day, little ponies,” she declared, spreading her wings as she gazed down at the terrified crowd “For it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last forever!”

With this declaration, she threw her head back, dark, ominous laughter tearing from her lips as the mist from her mane and tail filled the room, thunder crashing and lighting flashing ominously overhead, as if she had summoned a storm with which to smite all who opposed her.

“Seize her!” a voice called out, Nightmare’s eyes snapping open to glare at the supposed leader of this little hamlet, who was directing three Pegasi in the garb of her sister’s honour guard towards her “Only she knows where the Princess is!”

“Stand back, you foals!” She snarled, her eyes glowing with eldritch magic, bolts of lightning striking the golden clad guards out of the air, the Mare in the Moon cackling darkly as she wrapped herself in her man, transforming into nothing more than dark mist, which surged out into the glorious night sky.

‘Ah…how I have missed this…’ she sighed, basking in the familiar feeling of her beloved night, the lights of countless stars shining down on her, as if welcoming her home after her forced exile to her Lunar Prison ‘Soon everyone will come to appreciate the beauty of the stars-!’

She trailed off, freezing in her tracks, having sensed something amiss just as she was about to escape the little hamelt. A power that was alien, and yet inherently familiar to her at the same time.

‘What could it be…?’ she wondered, her eyes forming in the cloud of darkness, gazing down at the unassuming hamlet, trying to determine the origin of that strange feeling ‘It couldn’t be Celestia…it took me a thousand years and the correct alignment of stars for me to muster the strength needed to slip my chains, there’s no way she managed to do the same in such a short space of time!’

Before she could determine the source of the strange feeling, however, she noticed the familiar form of the purple Unicorn galloping past, the recumbent form of the infant dragon tossed over her back like a sack of potatoes.

‘Where is she off to in such a hurry?’ the fallen Alicorn muttered, catlike eyes narrowing in suspicion as she made to follow the filly, noting with interest that the alien feeling grew stronger as she did so ‘Intriguing…’

Rincewind sighed, the poni-fied Wizard balancing precariously atop his ladder once more as he tried to once again restore order to the library in the aftermath of one of Pinkie’s infamous parties.

“Honestly, that pony will be the death of me…” he muttered, shoving one of the books on the Equestrian-Griffonian war back into place a little harder than was necessary, making sure to pat it comfortingly on the spine before moving onwards, as it wasn't the books fault he was associated with the town fruitcake “If it’s not spiking the punch with Scumble it’s throwing a party for some idiot pony that thinks bringing a fire breathing DRAGON into a library filled with valuable books is a good idea…’

As if the words were a summons, the door to the Library slammed open, Rincewind letting out a shriek as he toppled off his precarious perch, falling onto a cart of books, which collapsed under the weight.

“Oh…sorry…” a voice offered, Rincewind cracking an eye open to see the purple unicorn from earlier standing near his desk, her horn glowing as she used her magic to levitate some of the books he had lying about “But it’s an emergency, I need to find a book on the Elements of Harmony!”

“The What of Who now?” Rincewind stammered, grimacing as he pushed himself off the ground, only to yelp as a particularly heavy tome clipped his ear “OI! Don’t go throwing the books around! They don’t like it!”

“We gotta stop Nightmare!” a voice cried out suddenly, Rincewind blinking, turning his head only to rear up on his hind legs in alarm at the sight of the baby dragon.

“GET THAT WALKING FIRE HAZARD OUT OF MY LIBRARY!” the Wizard yelled, heedless of the fact that the little dragon had apparently passed out in a nearby knitting basket he’d been using to patch up his robe and hat from time to time.

“Don’t shout, you’ll wake him!” the damnable filly chastised, still carelessly tossing around the books that Rincewind had spent hours setting right “Good grief, he’s only a BABY dragon, lighten up!”

“In case you didn’t notice, miss, we happen to be inside a TREE.” Rincewind snapped, trying to make the damnable mare see reason “A tree, I might add, filled to the brim with highly flammable books! All it’ll take is one little hiccup from that overgrown Klatchian Fire Engine and this WHOLE PLACE will light up like a fireworks factory!”

“Would you relax?” the mare demanded, frowning at him as if HE were the one who had barged into HER home and started making demands “Spike hasn’t set anything on fire accidentally since he was three years old, and I’m sure a WIZARD such as yourself could put out a few minor fires.” She turned her back on the sputtering Wizard “Now quit complaining and help me find a book on the Elements of Harmony-!”

“And just what ARE the Elements of Harmony?” a familiar voice demanded, Rincewind and the Unicorn whipping round just in time to see Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie enter the library, the blue Pegasus getting right up into the startled unicorn’s face “And how did you know about Nightmare Moon, huh? Are you a spy?”

“Simmer down, Sally.” Applejack cautioned, the Stetson sporting pony yanking her airborne friend out of the unicorn’s face by tugging on her tail “She ain't no spy. But she sure knows what's going on. Don't you, Twilight?”

“What’s going on?” Rincewind demanded, looking between the group in confusion, noting with concern that they seemed to be rather on edge, evidenced by Fluttershy anxiously shifting from hoof to hoof, and Pinkie Pie actually being QUIET, which was never a good thing “What’s happened?”

“Oh Rincewind, Darling it was HORRIBLE!” Rarity gasped, the ever-dramatic unicorn shaking her mane in frustration, “Some dreadful mare calling herself Nightmare Moon crashed the Summer Sun Celebration, kidnapped Princess Celestia, and said that there would be no more daytime!”

“Nightmare Moon?” Rincewind repeated, blinking at the dressmaker as if she’d sprouted another head “You mean that statue at the edge of town where you lot dumped perfectly good candy in front of last fall? That winged unicorn that’s supposed to live in the moon?”

“How can you not know about Nightmare Moon?” the purple unicorn, Twilight he dimly recalled, exclaimed, looking at him like he was insane “What kind of Wizard are you?”

“Not a very good one.” Rincewind shot back, not ashamed in the slightest even as he returned the glare the unicorn filly sent his way “And don’t you go giving me that look miss! I may not be good a very good Wizard, but at least I have the common sense not to burst into someone else’s home and start tossing their books around like they’re garbage!”

Twilight flinched, lowering her head in shame as she pawed at the ground “I...I’m sorry about barging in like that…” she offered, looking so downtrodden and small even Rincewind couldn’t bring himself to stay angry “It’s just…I WARNED the Princess that something like this would happen…” she closed her eyes in shame “But she wouldn’t listen, and now…now I don’t know WHAT to do…”

Rincewind eyed the downtrodden unicorn in silence for a moment, aware that the rest of the fillies seemed to be eyeing him expectantly, finally breaking down in the face of their overwhelming peer pressure(3) and trotting over to the ‘E’ section of the magical books, skimming the titles briefly before pulling out a thick, leather-bound tome and setting it on the table.

“The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide.” He revealed, turning to regard the awestruck Twilight with a solemn, almost reproachful expression “It was under ‘E’.”

“Oh…” Twilight stammered, flushing in embarrassment, much to the amusement of Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, the purple unicorn trotting over to the book, using her horn to turn it to the right page “Let’s see…there are six Elements of Harmony, but only five are known: Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Honesty and Loyalty. The Sixth is a complete Mystery.”

“Can’t be as impressive as all that if there are only six of them…” Rincewind muttered, earning a quirked brow from Twilight “I mean, you need more than seven of something to make it REALLY powerful.”

“Really? I always thought it was Seven…?” Twilight murmured, making a note to ask Celestia about it if, WHEN, they got rid of Nightmare Moon, turning her attention back to the book “It is said the last known location of the five elements was in the ancient castle of the royal pony sisters, which is located in what is now called…” she swallowed “The Everfree Forest!”

Rincewind didn’t miss the looks of apprehension that formed on the faces of the others, including Rainbow Dash, and so made a mental note to steer clear of wherever this ‘Everfree’ Forest was in future. Though knowing his luck, he’d probably end up going in there sooner or later.

“Whee!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, the energetic pink pony rearing up on her hind legs, her blue eyes glinting in excitement at the prospect of adventure “Sounds like fun! Let's go!”

“Whoa-whoa-whoa!” Twilight stammered, looking at the other filly’s in alarm “Look, I appreciate the offer girls, but I'd really rather do this on my own.”

“No can do, sugar cube.” Applejack countered, shaking her head, her features set in a determined smile that Rincewind knew from experience meant you weren’t likely to change her mind with a blunt instrument “We sure ain't lettin' any friend of ours go into that creepy place alone. We're stickin' to you like caramel on a candy apple.

“Especially if there's candy apples in there!” Pinkie insisted, earning a look of exasperation from Twilight and Rincewind for her contribution “What? Those things are good!

“Yes, well, count ME out.” Rincewind muttered, the assembled Filly’s looking up in surprise to see the Wizard had backed away from them, his ears pressed flat against his head and a determined frown on his face “I’ve had more than enough excitement today, you’re not dragging ME out on this magical scavenger hunt!”

“But you heard what Twilight said darling!” Rarity insisted, the marshmallow coloured unicorn eyeing the Wizzzard encouragingly “The fate of Equestria depends on us finding the Elements of Harmony!”

“Ah let him stay.” Rainbow Dash scoffed, the rainbow maned Pegasus waving a hoof dismissively in the Wizard’s general direction “He’d only wind up slowing us down, I mean, what good’s a wizard that can’t even SPELL the word WIZARD?”

“Rainbow Dash! That was uncalled for!” Rarity chided, sending the Pegasus an affronted frown before smiling encouragingly at Rincewind “I’m sure Rincewind has several spells that could help us out.”

“Er…well that is to say…”Rincewind stammered, looking rather flustered, for while his mind was that of a man, his body was currently that of a unicorn, and the sight of Rarity’s smile was getting a part of him wish he was still capable of wearing trousers “I do know ONE spell…actually the only one I know…”

“There y’see?” Rainbow insisted, crossing her arms triumphantly as Rarity and the others blinked at the revelation “What good is a hack wizard who only knows ONE measly spell gonna be?”

“A damn side better than a Pegasus that can’t go half a shot glass of Scumble without trying to fly through walls I should think.” Rincewind snarked back, earning a glare from the blue Pegasus that was interrupted yet again by Applejack stepping between the two.

“Now settle down y’all.” the Apple Mare urged, her tone calm yet firm as she levelled a warning look towards Rainbow Dash and an understanding glance at Rincewind “If Rincey says he ain’t comin’, then that’s his decision and we should respect it. ‘Sides, time’s a wastin’ and those Elements ain’t gonna find themselves.”

“Applejack is right.” Twilight agreed, looking around at her unexpected allies with a determined expression “We need to move fast, the longer we wait, the lower our chances are of finding the Elements before Nightmare Moon does.”

“Ya’ll heard her girls! Let’s move ‘em out!” Applejack ordered, the band of two Earth, Pegasus and Unicorn ponies apiece setting off at a canter, or flutter, towards the bridge leading out of Ponyville, Rincewind watching them depart with an unreadable expression on his face, before closing the door to the library behind him, unaware that the entire conversation had been heard by a third party.

‘So…’ Nightmare muttered, her cat-like eyes narrowing as she glared after the Mane Six ‘It would seem that the Elements of Harmony still exist after all…’

In truth, she had wondered why Celestia hadn’t called upon the powers of the Elements when she banished her into the sun. After all, it had only been by harnessing the power of those accursed stones that she had managed to defeat her last time. She had assumed that they were destroyed, or at the very least depowered, as she could not imagine her own SISTER could have forgotten the prophecy of her return.

‘If it were ME, I’d have kept the damn things on me at all times.’ She muttered darkly, scowling at her elder sister’s arrogance and naivety, before turning her attention back to the Library, peering through one of the upper windows at Rincewind, who was picking up the books Twilight had tossed around with a tenderness that was admirable.

‘THIS is what amounts to a Wizard these days?’ she muttered, looking on in disbelief as the scraggly unicorn went about his duties, without once thinking to use his horn to levitate the books despite their number ‘Starswirl’s line has certainly gone to pot in the last thousand years…’

And yet, despite her dismissal of the scruffy, pathetic looking colt in the tattered crimson robe and wizard hat ‘By the Moon, he can’t even SPELL Wizard!’, there was something about him that called out to her, something alien, yet at the same time inherently familiar, that continued to draw her in.

‘Probably the likeness to Starswirl…’ she muttered, recalling her old friend and chess partner from the ‘old days’, only to shake her head with a scowl ‘It matters not, there’ll be time enough to get to the bottom of this once I’ve nipped this little rebellion in the bud.’

So saying, the cloud of darkness sped off in the direction of Everfree forest, intent on putting an end to the last threat to her Eternal Kingdom of Night.

Little bit Shorter this time, at least in my opinion, but it's the only way I can find to make the story flow.

And now, Rincewind isn't 'attracted' to Rarity, Rarity's simply naturally charming and Rincewind's body reacted as many a Colt's would. It is only his mentality as a Wizard, and the fact he still adapting to his equine body, that allowed him to resist.

1 - An impossibility given the content of Scumble. She'd have had more luck with bleach.
2 - Except for the occasional post card depicting her, an Earth pony with an hourglass cutie mark, a wall-eyed Pegasus pony and a strange blue box, usually relaxing on some alien background. Strangely enough, the self-same Pegasus was usually the one to deliver the postcards, all of which were wrapped in blue envelopes.
3 - Fluttershy's in particular had more impact than entire store window of lonely puppies on the old heartstrings.

Chapter 4: The Light Friend-tastic

Woo, sorry this one took so long, other obligations you must understand.

In any case, things will be coming to a close soon for the Nightmare moon arc, so let's see how Rincewind balls this up, shall we?

Chapter 4: The Light Friend-tastic.

Rincewind shivered at the feeling someone watching him(1) and hurried back into the Library, busying himself with sorting out the clearly distressed books, whispering to them quietly as he recalled the Librarian at Unseen University doing, though he couldn’t quite manage the soothing tone the old man had managed to put into it, it just wasn’t in him to be entirely calm(2).

‘Doesn’t help that I’m essentially stuck looking after a walking Klatchian Fire Engine during an apocalypse…’ he muttered, glancing warily at the slumbering form of Spike, who simply turned over in his sleep, his cuteness wasted on the cynical Wizard, who kept one eye on the slumbering dragon even as he went about his task, trying not to think about the dangers that the six mares were getting themselves into. ‘I mean really, it’s not as if there’s any actual backing behind the threat…’ he muttered, shaking his head in disbelief ‘I mean, so she’s supposed to be this all powerful winged unicorn, so what? That doesn’t mean she can stop the bloody SUN from rising.’

Rincewind had never really put much truck by the Summer Sun Celebration or Winter Moon Masquerade, preferring the calm and quiet of the Library to watching the Sun and Moon rise, as they always did, under the supposed control of Princess Celestia(3).

‘Just you wait…’ he murmured, putting the books away with a determined expression on his face ‘Any moment now the sun’s going to come up, and those six will trot right back here looking proper sheepish…’

Spike snorted and rolled over in his sleep, only to sit up with a jolt as the book Rincewind had been holding dropped to the floor, the little Dragon blinking up in surprise as the Wizard swore violently “Huh? Where am I? Where’s Twilight?”

“Oh, finally awake are you?” Rincewind muttered sourly, Spike looking up to see him hanging from the chandelier like a monkey(4) “Did you have a nice nap while the world was ending?”

“World ending?” Spike murmured, blinking up at the Wizzzard in confusion, only to blink as his memory from the boutique returned “Nightmare Moon! She’s real! We gotta do something!”

“Your master and the others already left to do something about it.” Rincewind muttered, hesitantly trying to lower himself to the ground without breaking anything(5)“Left for some place called Everfree while you were roasting sheep.”

“Did you say Everfree Forest?” Spike repeated, his back stiffening in alarm “As in, the most dangerous forest in all of Equestria? The Forest where Manticores and Dire Wolves and all sorts of monsters call home?”

“I suppose so, yes.” Rincewind murmured, mentally moving the name ‘Everfree’ from the ‘steer clear of’ file to the more prominent ‘avoid at all costs’ section of his mind.

“And you let her go in there ALONE?” Spike demanded, only to wince as Rincewind, startled by the noise, lost his grip and fell to the ground with a yelp.

“BUGGER!” the Wizard swore, rubbing his rump with one hoof “I never said she went there alone,” he countered, earning a sigh of relief from the dragon “Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy went too.”

“YOU SENT RARITY INTO EVERFREE FOREST?” Spike yelled, flames actually leaping from his nostrils in his ire, the little Dragon grabbing the terrified Wizard by his robe and dragging him towards the door “C’mon, we gotta help them!”

“Who’s going to help US?” Rincewind demanded fearfully, only to wisely shut his trap at the look Spike sent his way, wordlessly allowing the dragon to drag him out into the night.

*

“Y’see?” Rainbow Dash bragged, the blue Pegasus hovering next to Twilight Sparkle as they made their way across the old rope bridge that led to the former castle of the two Princesses, the last known location of the elements of harmony “I'd never leave my friends hanging!”

“Yeah…” Twilight marvelled, smiling at the five ponies that had accompanied her into the Everfree forest, unable to believe what they’d gone through together just to make it this far.

It had been one supposedly random encounter after another, though with the Everfree Forest, the only forest in Equestria NOT under Pony control in any shape or form, it was hard to tell. Still, Twilight was reasonably certain that earthquakes capable of causing ledges to collapse were a rare occurrence. Fortunately Applejack had been there to keep her calm and reassure her, otherwise it was highly likely she’d have fallen to her death.

‘And if that hadn’t done it, then that injured Manticore would’ve had us for lunch…’ she shivered, sending an appreciating smile towards Fluttershy, who’d tamed the savage beast and gotten it to leave quietly with only a few gentle words and a kind hoof, whereas all the others had done was make the poor creature angrier ‘Then again, living in a place like this would probably get on anypony's nerves…’ she murmured, chuckling as she recalled the song Pinkie Pie had conjured up to help them get over their fear of the woods.

Things had gone smoothly after that, up until they came across a distressed sea serpent, who, due to the inexplicable destruction of its admittedly impressive moustache, had caused the Everfree river to swell and rage like a flash flood, making it impossible to cross until Rarity, in a show of generosity that was humbling even now, lopper off her own tail and used it to replace the missing whiskers, the grateful serpent ferrying them across the once again calm river himself.

‘Heck, even Rainbow Dash came through…’ she murmured, recalling her momentary fear when the ‘Shadowbolts’, self-proclaimed best fliers in Everfree Forest(6), offered to make the headstrong filly their captain provided she abandon the rest of the group, stoking her ego in the process. Twilight was ashamed to admit that, for a moment, she thought they’d won, only for Rainbow to surprise them all with her loyalty by not only turning them down, but fixing the bridge they needed to cross the chasm separating the ruins from the rest of Everfree.

‘I have to admit, I couldn’t have made it here on my own if I tried…’ she marvelled, smiling at the back of her companions, her FRIENDS, as they went ahead of her into the ruins ‘I guess this is what Princess Celestia meant that I should make more friends…’

“Come on, Twilight!” Applejack called out, the Earth Pony’s friendly voice snapping the Unicorn out of her thoughts to see the group looking back at her expectantly “Isn't this what you've been waitin' for?”

“Coming!” Twilight called out, picking up the pace, the six ponies entering the once glorious castle of the Sun and Moon, now little more than an abandoned Ruin, the once pristine walls crumbled and covered with creepers, the arching windows now bare of the stained glass murals they once contained, as Celestia had been unable to bring herself to care for the place that reminded her so painfully of her fallen sister.

But the architectural decline of the structure wasn’t what interested Twilight, though she made a note to have the head of the Historical Society in Canterlot send a team out here to see what they could preserve, as this was part of their cultural heritage. No, what held her attention was the statue that greeted them as they entered the ruin, a tall pedestal upon which rested five pony-sized stone spheres, each set with carving of a gem. “The Elements of Harmony…” she breathed, a smile of relieved triumph forming on her face as she gazed up at their prize “We've found them!”

Their target confirmed, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash began the careful task of lifting the heavy stone orbs off their respective pedestals and setting them down before Twilight, a task more difficult than it looked, considering they lacked the limps to properly grip such awkward shapes.

“One, two, three, four...” Pinkie counted, only to blink, looking to Twilight in confusion as Fluttershy set down the last of the Elements “There's only five!”

“She’s got a point, where’s the sixth?” Rainbow dash wondered with a frown “You don’t think Rincewind screwed up again and gave us the wrong book?”

“No, it was the right book, I remember seeing a copy of it in the Canterlot Library.” Twilight assured the blue Pegasus “As for the sixth, according to the book, when the other five Elements are present, a spark will cause the sixth Element to be revealed.”

“And just what the hay is that supposed to mean?” Applejack demanded, quirking a brow at the purple Unicorn, who knelt down before the Elements with a frown.

“I'm not sure," she admitted, a determined expression forming in her eyes as she glanced at the Elements “But I have an idea. Stand back.” She warned, closing her eyes as magic gathered around her horn “I don't know what will happen.”

She was dimly aware of Applejack leading the others away, giving her the space she needed to concentrate, as well as to better heed her warning, as there was no telling what would happen when the long dormant elements reactivated.

‘That is if I can even GET them to activate…’ she murmured, grimacing as she pumped more and more magic into her horn, the strain causing beads of sweat to slide down her brow ‘According to Legend, the two Sisters split the elements evenly between them, the only reason Celestia was able to use them was because Nightmare Moon’s magic rejected them…’

It went without saying that Twilight didn’t consider herself in the same league as her master or Nightmare Moon. The two princesses had been responsible for all life in Equestria, and could move the very sun and moon at their whim. Twilight Sparkle was many things, talented and inquisitive being two of her foremost traits, but she highly doubted she would ever be able to muster the same level of power her Master could on her worst day.

‘But I have to try…’ she muttered, grimacing as she focussed more and more magic into her horn, trying to summon up the spark needed to ignite the Elements ‘Princess Celestia’s counting on me! I won’t let her down!’

A breeze picked up, Twilight blinking as her concentration was broken, crying out in surprise as a tornado of darkness formed between her and the elements, the stone spheres lifting off the ground to dance in its clutches.

“The Elements!” she exclaimed, leaping forwards without a moment’s hesitation, a sudden feeling of vertigo washing over her as she breached the funnel of dark magic, only to drop to the ground, coughing to clear her throat and lungs of the dark mist, a look of dismay forming on her face as she took in her surroundings.

She was kneeling in what appeared to be the ruins of a throne room, no doubt in the main part of the castle ruins, a fact made all the more evident by the regal, menacing form of Nightmare Moon, standing atop a raise platform where, at one point, two thrones had surely sat, the Mare in the Moon’s mane of dark mist spread out behind her, lighting crashing from it like storm clouds, illuminating the hovering elements of harmony.

*

“You did well to make it this far, my little pony…” the fallen Alicorn applauded, her tone laced with mocking laughter as she spread her gazed down at her sister’s student “But did you REALLY think I’d forget about the Elements? Did you honestly believe I’d leave the keys to my defeat just lying around where anypony could get their hooves on them?”

She chuckled darkly, watching the despair form in the little Unicorn’s eyes. She had to admit, the little thing had impressed her, she and her merry band of misfits having overcome every obstacle she’d placed before them. It almost reminded her of the time she and her own sister had set out to find the Elements along with…

‘Stop that…’ she muttered, her cat-like eyes narrowing as she chided herself for even recalling such a thing ‘Celestia is GONE, and HE is better left forgotten.’

The sound of a hoof on ancient stone drew her attention back to the small form of Twilight Sparkle, the little Unicorn glaring up at her defiantly, dragging her hoof like a bull preparing to charge. “You're kidding…” she muttered, quirking a brow at the audacity of the little Unicorn, though internally, she had to admit she was impressed, the little filly had spunk “You're kidding, right?”

Apparently the little foal wasn’t, for with a snort she charged, head lowered like one of the jousting Ponies from back in the old days, Nightmare deciding to humour the little filly’s challenge, it wasn’t as if her dinky little horn could do much damage, leaving the elements on their pedestal as she charged the unicorn head on, only to blink as she vanished in a burst of light.

‘Teleport spell…clever…’ she mused, impressed despite herself even as she reverted to mist form and raced back to the pedestal. It seemed that Celestia had found herself a bright little spark to tutor in the ways of magic, it was almost a shame she’d have to nip that potential in the bud.

She landed on the pedestal just as a spark of raw magic hurled the little pony backwards, a confident smirk on her face, the Mare in the Moon’s eyes widening as she saw the elements begin to glow around her, realising what the filly had been up to.

‘Little foal…’ she chuckled, rearing back on her hind legs as the elements fizzled out, stamping the ground hard chattering the magical relics with a surge of her own dark magic. “You little foal!” she laughed, her eyes narrowed in dark amusement as she glared down at the little unicorn, who was gaping at her in betrayal, unable to accept that the elements she had sought could be destroyed so easily “Thinking you could defeat me? Now you will never see your princess, or your sun! The night will last forever!”

She threw her head back and laughed, taking great pleasure in the filly’s look of helpless defeat, so caught up in her revelry she failed to see it shift into a look of surprise, though she DID notice when something heavy smacked her upside the head, her vision exploding with stars(7) as she toppled off the dais.

*

“W-wha-?” Twilight stammered as Nightmare Moon toppled off the dais in a daze, the purple unicorn unable to believe what she’d just seen, gaping at the figure behind the Mare in the Moon in shock.

“Bugger!” Rincewind muttered, the Wizard looking haggard, his already tattered robe and hat sodden, marked with fresh tears and leaves, spitting out the manky looking old sock he’d used to apparently club Nightmare Moon over the head “You have no idea how foul that tasted.”

“Ah suck it up ya big baby…” Spike chided, the little dragon riding on the unicorn’s back, decked out in what could only loosely be called armor (8) “Twilight! You’re okay!”

“S-Spike? Rincewind?” Twilight stammered, gaping at the pair in disbelief, as if trying to ascertain whether they were really there or if she was seeing things due to her shock “What are you doing here?”

“Believe me, I’m wondering that myself…” Rincewind muttered bitterly, the Wizard glaring at Spike over his shoulder “You can thank your little pet here; the moment he woke up he threatened to burn my head off if I didn’t bring him out here...”

“I’m not a pet!” Spike countered with a frown “And YOU’RE the one who woke me up with all his pacing and muttering about how they were going to get themselves killed…” he shook his head at Twilight “I swear Twilight, he’s even worse than YOU.”

“And I was RIGHT, wasn’t I?” Rincewind snapped back, glaring at the dragon “What pony in their right mind would come to such a dangerous place? If it weren’t for that snake with the moustache we’d have been Manticore chow, and even THEN the damned fool nearly got us drowned!”

“So…you came to help us?” Twilight reiterated, blinking at the pair, as if mulling this fact over, before glancing down at their weapon of choice “With a sock?”

“Well, there’s half a brick in here too…” Rincewind admitted, looking a little sheepish even as he said it in the face of Twilight’s disbelieving stare “You’d be very surprised how effective a good half-brick can be in stopping people.”

“Tell me about it…” Spike muttered, glaring at the Wizard as he rubbed the back of his head “I swear Twilight, this guy’s a menace with a half-brick, I think he might’ve cracked my head open if it weren’t for this.”

“You try swinging a sock full of half brick around with your teeth and see how well you do.” Rincewind muttered, only to blink as he noticed Twilight, who’d been gaping at them in a kind of wonderment, backing away from them in fear, the Wizard’s danger senses(9) flaring too late as a cloud of darkness grabbed him by the throat and hoisted him off his feet, his eyes widening as they found themselves gazing into the Cat-like ones of an irate looking Nightmare Moon.

“You DARE?” the Mare in the moon hissed, baring her teeth in anger as she glared at the Wizzzard, her ethereal mane holding the struggling Wizard up to her face even as she used her tail to fling Spike, who’d made to pick up the discarded sock, into Twilight, the two going down in a tangle of limbs “You DARE to attack ME from behind?”

Rincewind tried to stammer a response, but the sheer strength in the deceptively ethereal mane was proving quite effective in cutting off his higher brain functions(10), the Wizard’s mind operating at the speed of continental drift due to lack of oxygen, a second for him, not even bothering to pay attention to his life as it flashed before his eyes, so familiar with it he could recite the main highlights word-for-word.

Just as the imagery caught up with that time he and Twoflower had fallen from the sky due to the latter’s dragon, Ninereeds, disappearing in mid-flight, he felt The Spell stir from its lair at the back of his brain to the forefront and brace itself. A cold tingle coursed down his spine like ice water, filling every fibre of his being with a white hot surge that threatened to make him pass out before he ran out of air. He felt his mouth open of its own volition, a breath of Octarine light emerging from within as his tongue and throat began to work, a voice that wasn’t his, a voice that sounded old and dry, belting out syllables that made the air twist around him and the startled Nightmare Moon, who actually backed away from him, stunned by this latest development.Octarine fire flashed into existence around the Mare in the Moon, the fallen Alicorn rearing back in alarm, her mane losing its grip on Rincewind’s throat, the Wizard hovering in place, Octarine light shining from every orifice as the voice that wasn’t his continued to chant, the Alicorn crying out in alarm as she disappeared within a cold, spitting cloud of Octarine that rose steadily into the air, hanging over the stunned onlookers for one tense moment, before exploding with a crack of Octarine Thunder that shook the entire castle.

*

“HOLY-!” Rainbow Dash cried out, the other five members of the Mane Six crying out in alarm as the walls of the castle shook around them “What in Hay was THAT?”

“I don’t rightly know…” Applejack muttered, the Stetson sporting Pony rising warily to her feet along with the others “But I know where it came from! C’mon y’all!”

They resumed their race up the stairs, sidestepping around bits of fallen architecture and glass, finally bursting into the throne room, only to gape in shock at the sight before them.

On the floor near the dais lay Twilight Sparkle and her baby Dragon, Spike, who was wearing a bucket on his head like a helmet, with a grating board for chest armour. Lying flat on his back on the Dais was Rincewind, the Wizard looking mildly singed, his scraggly beard sticking out due to static charge. Behind him, the entire back of the room had been destroyed, literally vaporized, allowing the moon to shine down on them unimpeded.

“My goodness…” Rarity murmured, the marshmallow coloured unicorn trotting up to Twilight warily, eyeing the damaged throne room in case it came down on them “Twilight! Are you alright darling?”

“I…I’m fine…” Twilight assured the white unicorn, shaking her head to clear it of the temporary deafness caused by the explosion “Never mind me! Where are Spike and Rincewind?”

“They’re alright…” Rainbow Dash called out, Pegasus Pony hovering over the unconscious Wizard while Fluttershy tended to Spike “But what the heck are they doing here anyway?”

“We came to help Twilight…” Spike murmured, rubbing his head tenderly while a concerned Fluttershy hovered over him in concern “Didn’t go quite the way we planned it though…”

“It was still awfully brave of you to do so, darling.” Rarity assured the little Dragon, causing him to devolve into a pile of mush as she glanced around the ruined chamber “Still…where’s Nightmare Moon?”

“She’s…Gone.” Twilight stammered, as if unable to believe it herself “I don’t know what happened, one minute she was choking Rincewind with her mane, then his eyes began to glow and he began speaking in this weird voice and then there was this flash of light and-!”

“Whoa-whoa whoa-!” Rainbow Dash stammered, blinking at Twilight in shock as she gestured for a time-out “Hold on a sec! Are you saying RINCEWIND made that explosion a few seconds ago?”

“Certainly looked like it…” Twilight admitted, the unicorn glancing towards the downed Wizard, who was being tended to by Applejack “He just started chanting in this weird voice and the next thing I knew Nightmare Moon Exploded…”

“EXPLODED?” Rainbow baulked, a sentiment shared by the rest of the ponies, poor Fluttershy actually passing out with a small sheepish bleat “You’re kidding right? There’s no way Rincewind can know a spell like that! He can’t even SPELL period!”

“Actually, Rainbow, he DID say he only knew ONE spell.” Rarity corrected, looking just as shaken as the others, though she managed it well “It would seem he had a good reason for not using it when you goaded him earlier.”

“Y-yeah…” Rainbow stammered, eyeing the recumbent Wizzzard warily for a sec before turning back to twilight “So…that’s it right? Day’s saved, we can all go home?”

“Not quite…” a dark voice countered, the gathered ponies looking up only to cry out in alarm as a wave of dark magic washed over them, looking up in horror to see none other than Nightmare Moon, the fallen Alicorn looking decidedly worse for wear, her fur singed and smoking, her armour dented and her wings bedraggled, though the look of fury in her eyes was as strong as ever “None of you will be leaving her ALIVE!”

“Oh for crying out loud!” Rainbow groaned, the Pegasus grimacing as she picked herself off the ground along with the rest of her friends “What’s it take to keep her down!”

“More than you’ve got, My little Pony…” Nightmare Moon hissed, the fallen Alicorn glaring at them from her perch atop the pedestal, her catlike eyes narrowing as she glared at the form of Rincewind at her feet “I’ll admit, the little Wizard’s spell caught us off guard…I never would have expected such an attack, save from Starswirl or Celestia herself…” she narrowed her eyes as she pressed one hoof to his throat “Too bad he didn’t finish the job…because ‘I’ won’t be so lenient!”

“Leave him alone!” Twilight yelled, making to charge the dais, only to be driven back by a gust of wind from Nightmare’s wings that sent her tumbling into the others.

“FOALS!” the fallen Alicorn yelled, all manner of amusement lost as she glared at them all, glowing eyes full of menace “You still think to challenge ME? Even in this condition, it would STILL take the Elements of Harmony to make you a credible threat, and the Elements are GONE!”

“WE don’t need no stinking Elements!” Rainbow Dash countered, the Pegasus shaking her hoofs in a boxer’s stance as she hovered in the air “We’ll take you on without ‘em!”

“You said it sugar cube…” Applejack huffed, pushing her Stetson back into place with one hoof as she and the others rallied around Twilight “We don’t leave our friends behind, and that goes fer both Twilight and Rincewind!”

“You guys…” Twilight stammered, looking at the ponies in amazement, only to gasp, a surge of realisation washing over her as turned to face Nightmare with a smirk “You think you can destroy The Elements of Harmony just like that?” she demanded, standing firm before the fallen Alicorn’s scorn “Well, you're wrong, because the spirits of The Elements of Harmony are right here.”

“What?” Nightmare demanded, narrowing her eyes at the group, only to blink as the fragments of the destroyed elements began to glow, circling the five ponies that had accompanied her sister’s student “It can’t be!”

“It can be, Nightmare Moon,” Twilight countered, her tone brimming with confidence, as she stepped towards the Dark Alicorn “For as the legends say, when the five are ignited by a single Spark, the Spark that resides in the heart of us all, it creates the sixth element: the element of MAGIC!”

“NO-!” Nightmare howled, rearing up on her hind legs, determined to at least take the life of the Wizard that had dared assault her, only to be stopped by a rainbow of pure magic, the Mare in the Moon looking up to see the six ponies hovering in the air before everything went white.

Author's Note

You must really be hating me by this point. I know Rincewind is.
In any case, that pretty much concludes the 'Mare in the Moon arc, the aftermath will follow soon enough, Fausticorn willing.

Rincewind would be the first to admit he was Paranoid. It was certainly better than being DEAD.

At the very best he might a state of mild-panic.

Rincewind wasn't an Atheist by any means. After all, there was probably quite a few Gods out there that were currently looking for their favourite game piece. He just didn't consider Celestia to be one, due to the fact that when people sang her praises it WASN'T because they were worried about sudden bouts of highly accurate, localized freak lightning storms.

In truth, he looked more like a pony holding onto a chandelier, though given this was a rather impressive feat given his lack of hands, he was sure he'd be forgiven.

Himself in particular.

Which was suspicious in itself, as no sane pony would fly anywhere NEAR the forest due to the fact the weather was unpredictable.

And not the type she was used to either

In the same way a pen can be considered mightier than a sword, though even the most stalwart clerk would hesitate to use a grating board as a chestplate.

Which were CONSIDERABLY more developed than his sense of direction, normally.

Quite a few lower ones too.

Chapter 5: Death and Back Again.

Well, it's certainly been a while, hasn't it?
Dear me, I didn't think this would be as popular as it turned out, Lord knows it's hardly a fresh idea, I've seen a few Rincewind in Equestria fics done, though admittedly most of them involve the older Rincewind in human form.
Well, here's the last bit of Rincewind's misadventure with the Mane 6 and Nightmare Moon, let's see how the Wizzzard gets out of this one.

Chapter 4: Death and Back Again.

Most people, on waking up, accelerate through a quick panicky pre-consciousness check-up: who am I, where am I, who is he/she, good god, why I am cuddling a policeman's helmet, WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?

Rincewind woke screaming, a common occurrence for one who’s last memories is of their life flashing before their eyes(1), only to calm down as he found himself gazing into familiar murky darkness.

“Ah, here again…” he muttered, grimacing out of habit as he rubbed at his neck, blinking as he noticed he appeared to still be in pony form “Huh…I guess the state of one’s body DOES reflect on the state of their soul…”

INDEED. a familiar voice agreed from behind, Rincewind turning to face the speaker with decidedly more calm than one would expect from someone of his disposition, looking into the glowing blue eye sockets of the Death with an almost weary sigh.

It was a well-known fact, at least on the Disc, that Wizards, and cats, can see Death as easily as other people could see each other(2). What many people didn’t know, however, was that when a Wizard died, Death himself would come to collect them, rather than leaving the task to whatever little subordinates he might have on hand at the time.

Rincewind wasn't ashamed to admit that he’d met the acquaintance of the Grim Reaper a fair few times even BEFORE he’d met up with Twoflower, as Death was often walking around Ankh Morpork, usually picking up a Curry(3) after a busy night’s reaping, and had a healthy amount of respect for him. That being said, it didn’t mean he actually stuck around to chat, for Death always knew for whom the final bell tolled, and in Ankh Morpork in particular, the odds of it being for you was a thousand to one(4).

“Come to gloat, have you?” he demanded, eyeing the personification with a hint of defiance, only to blink as Death shrugged, the skeleton grinning at him in exasperation.

NOT AS SUCH. Death admitted, shaking his head with a sigh before gesturing towards a figure off to the side. I’M AFRAID WE'VE RUN INTO A BIT OF A…SNAG.

Rincewind blinked, following the Reaper’s gesture to find himself looking into the glowing blue eye sockets of a skeletal pony in a VERY familiar set of robes “You’ve got to be kidding me…”

DO I LOOK LIKE I’M JOKING, RINCEWIND THE WIZARD? The Death of Equestria asked, grinning at him seriously as, well, Death, the blue light in those equine eye sockets flashing red for a split second. MY COUNTERPART SEEMS TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THE RULES REGARDING OVERSTEPPING ONE'S AUTHORITY, I AM MERELY REMINDING HIM ON WHOSE TERRITORY HE TRESPASSES.

I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN, MY OTHER. The Death of the Disc countered, grinning calmly, yet firmly, at his Equestrian counterpart. I AM MERELY, AS THE MORTALS SAY, IN HOT PURSUIT. He inclined one skeletal hand towards Rincewind, who flinched backwards instinctively despite the fact there was little need to fear the touch of Death at this point. THIS ONE IS ORIGINALLY FROM MY WORLD, THAT MAKES HIM ‘MY’ RESPONSIBILITY.

MAYBE SO, BUT HE DIED ON ‘MY’ TERRITORY. The Grim Pony countered, voice so eerily identical to the Discworld Death’s(5) that Rincewind had trouble telling who was speaking THAT MAKES HIM ‘MY’ RESPONSIBILITY.

“Um…excuse me…?” Rincewind stammered, trying to get a word in edge-ways, but the two arguing Deaths seemed too involved in their debate to care about the object of it “Well, how rude…”

“They’ll be like that for a while lad.” An elderly voice noted, Rincewind turning to see a wizened looking old man in a butler’s attire standing nearby with a picnic basket on a black and white blanket “Pull up a spot and rest yer legs, might as well have a sandwich while yer waitin.” He eyed the horse with a beady eye “Ye CAN eat sandwiches, right?”

“Er…Yes, I think so…” Rincewind muttered, trotting over to the basket, more than a little confused at this turn of events, accepting the cheese sandwich the old man held out to him and biting down “Err…who are you?”

“Me? I’m Albert.” The old man mumbled around a mouthful of Blt(6), Rincewind wincing, torn between longing and revulsion at the smell of the deliciously greasy slices of dead pig as the old man swallowed “Death’s Butler, the one with TWO legs mind you, he’s told me a lot about you lad.”

“Has he?” Rincewind wondered, still trying to come to grips that Death, his semi-constant companion, had a butler of all things “Er…demanding master is he?”

“Not so much, no.” Albert admitted, taking a swig of something medicinal(7) and holding out the bottle to Rincewind, who took an eager swig, as it wasn’t like he needed brain cells at the moment “Just need to dust around, only have to cook dinner for myself and the young miss, muck out Binky’s stable…”

“I’m sorry? Young Miss? Binky?” Rincewind repeated, returning the bottle to its owner, even as something whickered softly behind him, the Wizard turning round to see Death’s horse, a regal creature that probably could’ve had his pick of mares in Ponyville if he ever decided to stop by, lying behind him.

“That’s Binky…” Albert muttered, nodding towards the stallion as he pulled out another sinfully juicy helping of deep fried pork with the occasional fruit and veg bobbing about in a sea of brown sauce framed by two slices of white bread(8) “An the little’ miss is The Master’s Daughter…Adopted.” he amended at Rincewind’s look of shock “Picked her up from the ruins of a caravan, parents killed by bandits poor thing…”

“I…see…” Rincewind murmured, more than a little shaken by this onslaught of new information, as he’d certainly never pictured Death as a Family Man(9), Binky huffing softly as he took in the Wizard’s scent, having apparently taken a liking to him “Er…she planning to join the family business?”

“She’d like to.” Albert admitted, spitting tomato seeds off into the endless darkness “Master won’t hear of it o’course, one of the few things I’ve ever seen him refuse her, spoils her rotten otherwise. Typical really.”
Rincewind didn’t care to comment. For one thing, he didn’t want to get on his Death’s bad side(10) by commenting on his parenting skills, and on the other, it wasn’t like he could really judge the Reaper, for as a Wizard, even a failed one, he wasn’t allowed to sire children anyway.

I CONCEDE THAT, AS HE HAS DIED HERE, YOU HAVE THE RIGHTS TO HIS SOUL. The Death of the Disc conceded patiently, though there was a hint of annoyance in the skeletal grin. STILL, THERE IS THE FACT HE IS A WIZARD TO CONSIDER. I AM DUTY BOUND TO COLLECT THE SOUL OF A WIZARD WHEN THEY DIE, IT’S A PRIVLEGE.

IT IS THE SAME WITH ME, MY OTHER. The Equestrian Death insisted calmly. ALL THE MORE REASON FOR ME TO BE THE ONE TO ESCORT HIM.

“Um, I’m quite happy to put it off to a later date if it’ll save you the trouble…” Rincewind called out hesitantly, trying to ignore Binky as the mount of Death lipped his ear affectionately “It really wouldn’t be any bother…”

“I’d save my words lad…” Albert countered, patting the ponified Wizard on the shoulder, taking a swig of his flask as he did so “They’ve been like this since you got here, they’ll probably still be at it for a while yet.” He grinned darkly “That’s the thing about Death, he can outlast anything.”

“Even himself?” Rincewind demanded wryly, earning a bark of laughter from the old man, the Wizard lying back on the blanket with a sigh, allowing Binky rub his head against his back affectionately “Err…he does know I’m male, right?”

“Wouldn’t know,” Albert countered, eyeing the stallion with a neutral, if intrigued expression in his beady little eyes “Never seen him act like that around anyone but the Master and the little’ miss…you ain’t met before have you?”

“Death’s usually on foot when we meet up.” Rincewind muttered, flicking his tail at Binky half-heartedly, only to blink as he felt a strange tugging sensation from his navel “Urgh…” he muttered, rubbing his stomach tenderly “Don’t think that sandwich agreed with me…what cheese did yoooooooOOOOOOO-!”

Albert blinked, looking on in wonderment as the equine Wizard that his Master and the other Death had been arguing over began to stretch out like a piece of taffy, stretching so thin you could’ve used him to wrap you dinner up(11) before snapping together so quickly that his hind hooves disappeared under the rim of his hat, which promptly disappeared with a crack. He stared at the spot the Wizzzard had occupied for a moment, before glancing at Binky, who whickered knowingly at him, before taking another draught from his flask, emptying the thing in one go “That’s good stuff…”

WHERE DID HE GO? The Death of Equestria demanded, Albert turning to find the anthropomorphic ponification glaring at the spot Rincewind had vacated, eye sockets blazing red.

OH BUGGER, HE’S RUN OFF AGAIN. The Death of the Disc noted, his tone exasperated, though Arthur swore he could see the hint of smugness in that ever-present grin, the twinkling of his supernova eyes betraying some hidden amusement. HE HAS A PENCHANT FOR DOING THAT, I SUPPOSE I SHOULD HAVE WARNED YOU.

YES, YOU SHOULD HAVE. The Death of Equestria muttered, though there was no malice in its tone, merely professional irritation(11), the Grim Pony turning on its hooves and walking back into the darkness WE SHALL CONTINUE THIS DISCUSSION ANOTHER TIME…DO GIVE MY REGARDS TO YOUR DAUGHTER.

AND MINE TO YOURS. Death of the Disc offered, earning a look of astonishment from Arthur, who gaped after the Grim Pony in shock even as his Master mounted Binky and turned towards the darkness. COME, ARTHUR.

“Blinkin’ lunatics the lot of them…” Death’s butler muttered under his breath, stuffing the remnants of the picnic into the hamper and clambering onto Binky with a little help from his Master, the two of them riding off towards their home in Death’s Domain “Might as well start up a day care centre while they’re at it.”

THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A GOOD IDEA. Death murmured, tapping his chin with one bony finger even as Albert swore under his breath for not keeping his thoughts to himself. YSABELLE COULD USE SOME NEW FRIENDS…

“-ooh shit…!” Rincewind groaned, opening his eyes with a jolt, gazing up at the ceiling above incredulously for a moment only to curse as a beam of sunlight pierced his brain for his trouble. "Bugger…!" he hissed, grimacing as he tried to sit up "I knew those blasted fillies were worried about nothing…eternal night my beard!"

“Hey! He’s waking up!” a familiar voice called out, the Wizard blinking, opening his eyes only to come face to face with to come face to snout with Spike the Dragon, (12) the rest of the Mane Six crowding around him as he yelped in alarm “How you feelin’ big guy?”

“Like an Elephant trampled me…” the Wizard muttered bitterly, grimacing as he tried to sit up, grabbing his head to stop it exploding “Where the hell is this?”

“We’re at the Carousel Boutique.” Twilight Sparkle revealed, the Purple Unicorn’s tone soothing as she helped him sit up, propping a pillow behind him for support “Rarity insisted we bring you here after what happened.”

“I hope she sells knives then, because I’d like to cut my head of.” Rincewind muttered darkly, only to pause, as the looks of alarm on the faces of the gathered filly’s proved just as sobering as a pot of Klatchian coffee “That was a joke,” he assured them, nodding at Fluttershy in particular, as she’d looked like she’d been about to scream “Mainly a joke, anyway.” He amended, only to grimace as his head pounded again “Dear Gods what did I do last night?”

He trailed off, eyes widening as he recalled the trip through the Everfree Forest and the rather short battle with Nightmare Moon “Magic…” he mumbled excitedly, his headache fading away, replaced with the memory of the power he’d wielded “I did magic…!”

“That’s right.” Rarity offered, patting the Wizard’s arm soothingly as Applejack helped him sit up, keeping a firm hoof on him to keep him from trying to get out of bed.

“Would you like me to do a spell?” Rincewind asked deliriously, smiling in that mildly concussed way that only victims of a mugging or surprise fatherhood can sport as he pointed a hoof at Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash tackling her fellow Pegasus out of the way, eyeing the Wizard warily as he continued to titter “I’ll turn you into a Tree! Just you all watch out!”

“The poor feller’s in shock…” Applejack noted sombrely, keeping a firm grip on the colt to keep him from hurting himself, or anyone else by wandering around, even as Fluttershy perked up for some reason “Must’ve been some shock.”

“I don’t understand…” Twilight wondered, blinking at the Wizard in confusion as Applejack and Rarity tried to get him to calm down again “Why’s he acting so strange?”

“I ain’t too sure, but I reckon its cause up till now, he’s never done a spell before.” Applejack admitted “Certainly never anything as big as that.”

“But he’s a wizard!” Twilight insisted, looking stumped at the very admission “And besides that, he’s a Unicorn! How can he have never used magic before?”

“I’m afraid it’s all rather complicated, Twilight.” Rarity assured her fellow Unicorn, even as she used her own horn to tuck Rincewind back into bed “Then again, he DID say earlier that he only knew one Spell…it could be that one spell is so powerful it takes all his magic to use it.”

“That…certainly makes sense.” Twilight admitted, rubbing her chin with her hoof as she gazed down at the Wizard, who was slowly calming down under Fluttershy’s attention, the gentle Pegasus whispering soothing words as she made him drink something “But I’ve never even HEARD of a Spell like that…he certainly wasn’t speaking in any language I’ve ever heard of.”

“Maybe Princess Celestia would know?” Spike wondered aloud, prompting a look from his partner and the others “I mean, when it comes to Magic, she’d know better than anyone, right?”

“You’re right Spike.” Twilight agreed, nodding her head at the Dragon’s wisdom “And she DID say she’d like to thank him for his help in defeating Nightmare Moon. I’ll let her know he’s awake...”

“Oh…oh dear…” Fluttershy stammered, Twilight turning to see the shy Pegasus looking a little sheepish, an empty mug held between her hooves, as she hovered over a snoring Rincewind, the Wizard’s ratty beard now accompanied by a milk mustache “Should I not have given him warm milk then?”

When Rincewind awoke the second time, it was to find himself staring up at the familiar ceiling of his room in the Ponyville Library, feeling much better than he was the last time, though that might be because he hadn’t dreamt about being strangled to Death, Picnics and Blt Sandwiches.

‘Magic!’ he breathed, feeling much calmer about the act than he had at the Carousel Boutique by simple fact that his brain wasn’t currently trying to smash its way out of his skull “So that’s what it feels like! No wonder wizards didn’t have much truck with sex!”

Rincewind knew what orgasms were of course, he’d had a few in his time back in Ankh Morpork, sometimes even in company, but nothing in his experience even approximated to that tight, hot moment when every nerve in his body streamed with blue-white fire and raw magic had blazed forth from his fingers. It filled you and lifted you and you surfed down the rising, curling wave of elemental force. No wonder wizards fought for power and so on.

‘Not that it was really ME doing it…’ he muttered, a bitter scowl adorning his features as he glared internally at the spot at the back of his mind, where The Spell lounged like a toad, watching his life pass by with only passing interest. He was really beginning to hate the Spell, something he suspected he’d always done since being thrown out of the University, but it was all coming to a head now that it had used his body to say itself without so much as a by-your-leave. Really, was it too much to ask that it allow HIM to decide when and where to call upon its eldritch power? He WAS the one carrying it all over the bloody place after all. It was HIS body that was at risk every time it decided to do anything other than scare off any other spell that he tried to learn.

‘If it weren’t for you, I might have become a half-way decent Wizard…’ he muttered darkly, glaring at the source, and solution, to so many of his problems of late ‘Maybe not a member of the staff, but even an assistant Librarian would’ve been nice…’

“Oh! You’re awake!” a voice noted, Rincewind blinking as he entered the library proper, to be greeted by none other than Twilight Sparkle and Spike, who were busy organising the books “Good morning.”

“Morning…” Rincewind greeted, blinking at the pair in surprise, keeping one wary eye on Spike as the infant dragon carried several tomes towards their designated shelf “Um…I don’t mean to be rude…but what exactly are you doing here?”

“We brought you home after we were sure you were just sleeping.” Spike responded, balancing expertly on the stepladder as he put his load of books away “You missed the Princesses’ parade by the way.”

“The what now?” Rincewind wondered, blinking at the dragon in confusion, slightly more at ease with the fire-breathing pest after their little misadventure in the Everfree forest.

“Oh it was amazing!” Twilight exclaimed, practically giddy with excitement, Rincewind and Spike ducking as several heavy tomes went orbital due to her magic “Princess Celestia declared today a national Holiday to celebrate Princess Luna’s return!”

“Princess Luna’s Princess Celestia’s little sister.” Spike informed Rincewind, who had turned to the dragon as the only other person in the room who still made a modicum of sense “After you passed out, Twilight and the others used the Elements of Harmony on Nightmare Moon to change her back to Princess Luna.”

“So wait, you’re telling me this whole thing was just a spat between sisters?” Rincewind demanded, the wizard eyeing the Dragon with a hint of exasperation, muttering darkly to himself as the reptile shrugged “Bugger all, I KNEW there was nothing to worry about.”

“I wouldn’t say ‘nothing’.” Twilight countered, trotting up to the Wizard with a meaningful expression on her face “If you and Spike hadn’t turned up when you did, there’s no telling what Nightmare Moon would’ve done to me.”

“We didn’t do that much…” Rincewind muttered, looking embarrassed despite himself, sending a glare a Spike, who was puffing himself up importantly “YOU didn’t do anything at all for that matter, unless you count pissing off that Manticore when you set his tail on fire.”

“I could’ve taken ‘im…” Spike muttered, the Dragon averting his eyes from Twilight’s quirked brow as he began shoving the books back into place with decidedly more force than was necessary.

“Don’t mind Spike.” Twilight assured the wizard, a knowing smile on her face “And don’t sell yourself short. There aren’t a lot of people that’d brave the Everfree forest to help people they don’t know…” she shuffled her hoof awkwardly “Especially given how we first met…”

“Erm…think nothing of it…” Rincewind muttered, the wizard shuffling awkwardly, cursing his equine form’s hormones once more as they reacted to how adorable the purple filly looked “Happy to help…really…” he shook himself at her smile “Still, it doesn’t explain what you’re still doing in the Library…weren’t you supposed to go back to Canterlot once the Celebration was over?”

“Well, that WAS the plan, yes.” Twilight admitted, looking troubled, a stark contrast to the exasperated mare he’d first seen at Pinkie’s Party “To tell the truth, one of the reasons Princess Celestia sent me here was so I could make some friends.” She blushed at the Wizard’s quirked brow “I know, right? Though to be fair I wasn’t doing myself any favours back in Canterlot.”

“She may be the Princess’ prized student, but if socialising were a class she’d be flunking it.” Spike quirked from the side, chuckling in the face of the embarrassed glare Twilight sent his way.

“I wasn’t that bad…” Twilight muttered, fighting down a blush as she averted her eyes from the deadpan look her friend sent her way “Okay maybe I was, but hay, do you know how hard it is to balance magical studies with a social life?”

“All too well.” Rincewind muttered, recalling his boyhood years at the university with only mild discomfort, memories of having his head shoved into the privies and getting stuck clambering over the secret exit and left to the tender mercy of the Bledlows(13) flashing before his eyes.

“Well anyway, when I first came here, all I wanted to do was finish the preparations for the festival so I could focus on researching the elements of Harmony.” Twilight continued, looking ashamed at the admission “In the end, it was only because I met Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Fluttershy that we were able to find them in the first place. If I’d gone straight to the library like I’d intended, not only would I not have found the elements, but I doubt I’d have made it through the Everfree Forest alive.”

“Yes, someone should really do something about that place.” Rincewind muttered, shivering at the memory of those eldritch woods even as he glanced at Spike “Preferably something involving a lot of fire…”

“Aheh…right…” Twilight chuckled, eyeing the Wizard warily, a sentiment that was shared by Spike, who shuffled awkwardly under the Colt’s beady stare “In any case, like you said, I WAS supposed to go back after the Celebration was over, but thankfully Princess Celestia agreed to let me stay provided I send her a report every time I learn something new about friendship.”

“Isn’t that kind of invasive?” Rincewind wondered, trying to imagine Lord Vetinari, the Patrician of Ankh Morpork, issuing such a command(14) “I mean, what about your education?”

“Oh I pretty much already graduated from the University a while ago.” Twilight admitted, blushing modestly as she waved her hoof “Besides, how could I possibly leave all my friends behind after I only just got to know them?”

“You’d put making friends over learning magic?” Rincewind wondered, eyeing the mare before him with an incredulous expression, honestly confused as to how he should feel about such a thing.

“Not at all!” Twilight countered, the purple mare beaming at the Wizard encouragingly “After all, Friendship is a type of Magic in and of itself.”

“It certainly as unpredictable…” Spike opined, chuckling at the dumbfounded expression on Rincewind’s face as the Wizard gaped at Twilight in disbelief “In any case, since we were supposed to be bunking here for the Celebration anyway, the Princess had all our stuff moved in while you were asleep.”

“You don’t mind, do you?” Twilight asked, looking suddenly troubled as Rincewind seemed to snap out of his daze to blink at her in surprise “I mean, I know we didn’t get off to the best start and all, but Spike and I can be a real big help around the library and I’d REALLY like to know more about that spell you used and…”

“Okay, okay!” Rincewind cut in, raising a hoof to silence the mare, rubbing his brow with a sigh “I don’t have a problem with you staying, Gods only know the trouble I’d get into if I threw you out anyways.” He eyed the mare warily “But are you SURE you’re alright moving in? I mean…you’re a young girl…pony…filly.” He muttered at length “And I’m, well…”

“A perfect gentlecolt.” Rarity cut in, the trio looking up as the tailor entered the library, followed closely by the other Elements of Harmony, Rainbow Dash hovering in the air as was her preference “Don’t be so hard on yourself Rincewind Darling, there isn’t a pony in Ponyville who’d believe you’d lay a hoof on Twilight.”

“Like Rincey’d know what to do with a mare anyways.” Rainbow chuckled, earning a glare from Rincewind that she returned with a grin, poor Fluttershy letting out an embarrassed ‘meep’, trying to hide behind her mane even as Applejack shot the Pegasus a warning look.

“Besides!” Pinkie exclaimed, Twilight and Rincewind jumping as she popped up between the two unicorns, Twilight’s eyes widening at the pink cannon the Party Pony had apparently pulled out of nowhere “Now we can throw Twilight a PROPER welcome party!”

“Pinkie don’t you dare-!” Rincewind barked, only to be cut off as the cannon fired, showering the inside of the Library with balloons and confetti, the residents of Ponyville pausing only briefly as a loud cry of “BUGGER!” tore through the air, before going about their daily lives as usual.

Author's Note

Well, that's that sorted anyway. Rest assured, I'm not done tormenting Rincewind yet. There'll be more stories to come, though some of the episodes may be skipped as they tend to focus on specific characters.
Also, if any of you have a particular filly you'd like to see take an interest in our resident Wizzzard, by all means, let me know.
01. Though by this point it was as instinctual for Rincewind as opening his eyes.
02. In this regard their vision surpassed 20/20
03. The only thing you could ever accuse the Reaper of murdering.
04. And as everyone knows, Thousand-to-One Chances occur Nine times out of Ten
05. In that it didn't bother going through the ears, instead marching right up to the brain without so much as an 'excuse me'.
06. A Bacon Sandwich which, if you were the type that liked that sort of thing, were to examine VERY closely with a forensics kit, had a hint of lettuce and tomato buried beneath the brown sauce.
07. And thus guaranteed to sterilize wounds, clean metal and commit mass germicide.
08. Rincewind vowed to steer clear from the Apple Family's pigs from that point on-wards.
09. Unless some sort of unfortunate accident occurred during a reunion or several greedy sods decided to increase their share of the inheritance.
10. The one holding the scythe.
11. No that you would mind you, unless you LIKED the taste of unwashed cloth and horse hair.
12. Which even Twilight would admit was not the best thing to see when waking up with the mother of all Hangovers.
13. Affectionately referred to as the 'lobsters' (a), the Bledlows are the former watchmen and soldiers who serve as the security for Unseen University. Heavy-set and possessed of an abmirable turn of speed for their age, they maintain the inherent belief of watchmen in the universal guilt of everybody, in their case, the students. It should also be noted that they are the one body of men whom Rincewind cannot outrun or evade, making them quite possibly the one thing he truly fears above all else(b).
a. And less affectionately as 'You bastards!'
b. He never says this aloud, mind you, as it may just encourage the others to try HARDER.
14. He would spend the next few sleepless nights huddled under the bed as a result.