Don't Mention the Augean Stables
Twilight Sparkle hadn't ever really been one for malls. Even putting aside the rise of e-commerce, by the time she'd been old enough that her parents might have been comfortable with letting her hang out at a mall, she was at Crystal Prep, and hanging out generally required someone else out with whom one would hang. This made the Canterlot Mall something of a novelty for her after her transfer to Canterlot High.
That novelty had now grown very stale indeed thanks to the wonders of new context.
"I can't believe she's making me do this," Twilight groaned, mostly muffled by the table.
"She has a point," said Sunset, though she still gave Twilight a little back rub. Hopefully not enough of one to be one of those obnoxious couples; they were both still figuring out the whole "girlfriend" thing.
"You're doing that thing again," said Rainbow Dash.
Twilight looked up from her groaning at that, taking in the rest of her friends sitting with her at the food court, excepting Fluttershy, of course. "What thing?"
"That thing where the two of you know what you're talking about something but the rest of us don't."
Sunset gave Dash a flat look. "You mean like saying 'You're doing that thing again'?"
"A touch of context would be appreciated," said Rarity.
Applejack nodded. "I ain't surprised yer feelin' a bit glum just after school let out, Twi—"
"I dunno," said Dash, "I'm still wrapping my head around that."
Applejack jabbed her with an elbow. "Point is, that don't tell us who 'she' is."
"Yeah!" added Pinkie. "Is she some new menace full of magic? A talking angst monster? Did Fluttershy send you on some grand quest to seek out the princess while she's busy being a tree?"
"No. It's..." Twilight frowned. "Wait, wouldn't that just mean going to see my analogue?"
Sunset nudged her. "Twilight."
"Right. Sorry, it's just, well..."
—————
Twilight blinked, spoon halfway to her mouth. A few pieces of cereal fell back into her bowl as she stared at her mother. "I'm sorry, I must have had something crazy in my ear. Could you repeat that?"
Twilight Velvet did so: "I think you should get a job this summer."
Sparkle pondered this for a few more seconds. The spoon went back into the bowl entirely. "See, that's what I thought you said."
"It would be a good experience for you, Sparkle," said Night Light from the other side of the Sunday paper. All of the Sunday paper; he'd taken to levitating every section he could and reading them simultaneously.
Sparkle ticked points off her fingers. "I'm sitting on three world-changing patents that I plan on filing the moment the global situation stabilizes enough to handle them. One of my best friends may be the greatest financial genius of my generation and a skilled enough saleswoman to actually make me kind of care about fashion. I am, in a sense, the conscience of a god." She crossed her arms. "I don't think flipping burgers for a few months is going to help my future prospects."
Velvet nodded along to her daughter's points. Once Sparkle was though, she said, "But it may teach you humility."
The paper shifted, uncovering Night Light's face just in time for him to nod. "We've known you'd change the world since your third grade science fair project tried to take over your elementary school."
"I still say that only happened because Twinkleshine spilled juice on the main processor."
Night Light pressed on, ignoring the entirely reasonable argument as he always did. "Your mother and I just want to make sure that when you're on top of the world, you remember that all the people down below you just look like ants."
Sparkle rolled her eyes. "Again, conscience of a god. I'm already doing that."
"And you're going to need to maintain that relatively objective perspective to keep fulfilling that role," said Night Light.
"Well... yes..." After a few moments of frantic thought, Sparkle found a hole in the logic. "But it's already June! I doubt anyone's still looking for summer—" She was cut off by her mother's magic moving her breakfast aside, making room for the pile of application forms that slammed down like the hammer of Irony incarnate.
She made a quick mental note to determine if a physical incarnation of irony existed and, if so, to punch it in its smug face.
Velvet smiled, clearly unaware of those plans. "I might have looked around the Canterlot Mall yesterday. You know, so you can be close to your friends."
"And if I recall correctly," added Night Light, "you did mention that Mr. Discord has a surplus of lab assistants, so that's out."
Twilight Sparkle had never really had a rebellious phase. She'd never seen the point. Not until now, anyway. "Gee," she ground out. "Thanks. Really."
—————
Twilight threw her hands into the air. "And I have five more of the things to drop off! Even I don't like doing this much paperwork!" She realized she'd gotten up at some point during the retelling and fell back into her seat like a bag of wet cement. "But you know what the worst part is?"
"The way it cuts into your research time?" said Sunset.
"Your parents making decisions for you when you're clearly capable of handling yourself?" said Rarity.
"Both you and them trying to understand each other's interests and completely failing, but you love each other anyway, but you stay up at night wondering how much of that is out of true affection and how much is out of a sense of obligation because you're family and you're supposed to love each other?"
Everyone turned to Pinkie. "Um, Pinkie?" said Twilight. "Is there anything you'd like to tell us?"
Pinkie shrugged. "It was just a guess."
"What is the worst part, Twi?" said Applejack.
Twilight took a deep breath before answering.
—————
The manager nodded as he looked over the application. "Well. I see. This is quite the impressive list of accolades."
"I'm not surprised you think so, sir," said Twilight. "I'm given to understand that most people don't perform job interviews for summer hires."
"I like to be thorough," he said, still looking over the form. "Especially when I see someone with this level of experience. And you haven't even graduated high school yet?"
"My parents felt it was best I socialize with my own peer group," said Twilight. Back straight, eyes forward, voice clear, she thought to herself. Just because she didn't want to do this didn't mean she wouldn't do her best, and it would be good practice for when she wasn't doing interviews in a stock room. "Lately, I've come to agree with them."
"Well, we'll certainly bear you in mind. Even when taking certain..." The earth-aspected man's gaze flicked towards Twilight's forehead. "Well, considerations into account."
Twilight blinked. All the job hunting tips she'd read and memorized fell away, replaced by naked shock. "Excuse me?"
"Well, I think we can both agree that in this brave new world of ours, certain relative proficiencies must be taken into account."
Twilight didn't want to say she loomed over the man, per se, but she definitely got to her feet and looked down on him. Er, at him. Looked down at him. "I'm sorry, are you implying that I'm less qualified for this position because of my aspect?"
—————
The whole table sympathized, a mix of groans, winces, and head shakes. Sunset facepalmed so hard, she thought she might need to remanifest her nose. "Well, that's the topic for the next vlog."
"Yeah. I really wish I could say I was surprised by new and exciting forms of discrimination coming out of the woodwork, but, well, humans." Twilight sighed. "We like to categorize things. Including other humans. Especially other humans."
Applejack snorted "That don't make it right. What, just 'cause I can get the family truck runnin' a bit smoother means that dope'd pick me over you?"
"Not anymore. I think he took my counterargument to heart."
—————
"Well, you have to admit, Miss Sparkle, earth aspects have been shown—"
Twilight's headgem and eyes both flared heliotrope. Her feet left the floor as she rose on a cushion of her own power, hair billowing in an unfelt wind. "You speak to the essence of Magic herself. By Cranke's Third Law, I am sufficiently advanced technology. I defy you to find anyone on this planet more qualified for this position."
The man quivered in place, eyes wide and pants damp with awe. "We-we'll keep in touch."
Twilight settled down, both emotionally and gravitationally. She smiled and held out her hand for a shake. If anyone asked, she didn't notice him recoil, being as bad with social cues as she was. "Thank you very much."
—————
Twilight shrugged. "If nothing else, no matter what he decides, I get the employee discount at that ElectroHut now."
Sunset quirked an eyebrow. "So, what precisely was that counterargument?"
"Extremely persuasive," said Twilight, avoiding eye contact.
"How—"
"So!" Twilight looked around the table, beaming with more artificial brightness than Yuletide decorations. "What do all of you have planned for this summer?"
Sunset leaned in next to her, eyes narrowed. "We're talking about this later, Little Miss God-Conscience."
Pinkie's sigh drowned out Twilight's response. "I'm almost, almost disappointed that I'm gonna help out at Sugarcube Corner this summer."
"Really?" said Applejack. "What would you pick over helpin' the Cakes?"
"I know, right? But there's this great new Fifties retro diner that opened up over where the Jimmy Missiles used to be." Pinkie pointed in the direction of the once and future restaurant.
"You mean that place with the back half of a giant Chevrelet on top of it?" said Dash.
"Yuh huh! It's great! There's a jukebox and a dance floor and I'd get to wear roller skates indoors the whole time!" Pinkie shook her head. "But with Mrs. Cake expecting, they need all the help they can get, and I'm always happy to help."
Rarity nodded her approval. "Very noble of you, Pinkie."
"What about you, Rarity?" said Twilight. "I mean, you're not exactly looking."
"Not in the same sense as you, no. I am in the rather interesting state of looking for part-timers. After all, I have much to do off the sales floor once my summer hours begin in earnest. A new world offers new fashions." After a pause and a meaningful glance at Sunset, Rarity added, "Particularly with icons on most people's hips in swimsuit season."
Sunset rolled her eyes. "You're never letting that one go, are you?"
"Get back to me in a few years, darling. But it's certainly been an adventure thus far. You wouldn't believe some of the people I've seen come through my doors. Why, just a few days ago..."
—————
Rarity perking up at the chiming sound of the boutique's door opening had become something of a reflex, as had the smile that came with it. That smile didn't last long once she recognized her visitor. "Suri. Well. To what do I owe what I will charitably call the pleasure?"
Suri Polomare returned her glare. "Let's cut the crap, okay? I don't like you, you don't like me. It's been that way since middle school. But I could use the experience, and you know how good I am at copying your stuff."
"Intimately, yes," Rarity growled.
Suri nodded, her expression slithering into a smile far too reminiscent of eighth grade. "Well, why not make it work for you for once?"
"You raise... something approaching a reasonable point. I'll consider it. Don't call me; I'll call you."
"Do you even have my number?"
Rarity would later swear that her headgem lit up of its own accord. "I'll. Call. You."
—————
"Mind you, I suppose my standards might be a bit high, but it's hard for them not to be when I can see all of the talent around the world. If I had the pick of the litter, as it were, well..." Rarity opened TackNote on her phone and, once she was on the gallery she wanted, put it on the table for all to see.
Several oohs and ahs followed as the others scrolled through the designs on display. "Wow," said Dash. "Even I think that stuff looks good."
"I know!" Pinkie tapped one picture, expanding it to full-screen size. In it, the account's owner stood next to an orange girl clad in braces and other metal. "Just look at that dress! I think it's made completely out of spoons!"
Rarity dignified that with little more than a roll of the eyes. "Sadly, Coco lives in Manehattan. We may be massive fans of one another's work, but I can't exactly ask her to uproot her life and move across the country."
"What about all the fashionistas at school?" said Sunset.
After a few moments of contemplation, Rarity said, "I admit, after Suri I've been leery of potential plagiarists. Coco I'd trust with my life, same as any of you girls, but the clique had its share of eccentrics and ne'er-do-wells. Could you imagine Photo Finish working retail?"
Pinkie bolted to her feet, pointing at the heavens and crying, "I SELL!"
As the others snickered, Applejack bit her lip. "Y'know, I could always—"
Rarity held up a hand. "That's incredibly sweet of you, darling, but you must admit, it isn't exactly your forte."
"Hey, I can always learn."
"And you do have a farm to look after."
"With magic an' all, they can make do without me." Applejack kept worrying at her lip, fidgeting in her seat. "I mean, I was even thinkin' o' takin' a job at the smoothie stand, so—"
Rarity rested a hand on Applejack's and looked deep into her eyes. "Applejack. Dearest. You are a treasured friend who has been with me for so long that I can scarcely imagine life without you, but you are no fashionista. I sincerely appreciate your offer, but for both our sakes, I must decline it."
"Oh." Applejack smiled and sagged as the tension left her. "Well, that's a relief."
Rarity drew back. "Excuse me!?"
A chill silence fell over the table before Twilight cleared her throat. "I'd offer to help, but fashion isn't exactly my area of expertise either."
The aura of doom faded. Everyone else started to breathe again as Rarity nodded. "I have no doubt you'd pick it up quickly, but I also suspect you'd be bored out of your skull."
Dash smirked. "Nice to hear you admit it."
Rarity's glare came back, though thankfully nothing else did. "Keep that up, Rainbow Dash, and I'll take back my offer for you before I even make it."
"Uh, what offer? 'Cause I don't want to work at your place either, no offense."
Rarity gave her hair a toss and grinned. "Well, since you asked. Given your shopping habits, I thought you might appreciate me putting in a good word for you at Father's shop."
"But the only place I shop a lot at is..." Dash tilted her head. "How does your dad have an in with Magnum's Sporting Goods?"
After a confused blink, Rarity said, "My father is Magnum, darling. I though you knew."
Dash held up her hands. "Wait, wait, wait. You, Rarity, the girl who can barely even look at mud, are the daughter of Hondo 'Magnum' Flanks?"
"How did you think my parents could afford to take those interminable vacations of theirs, Rainbow Dash? To say nothing of where I got my head for business. If not taste." Rarity shuddered. "That I can only assume was some manner of Harmonious miracle."
Sunset leaned back, hands up and smirking. "Wasn't me."
"I feel like I'm missing something," said Twilight.
"Rarity's pa was a household name in pro football back when we were all in grade school," said Applejack.
"More than ten thousand career yards receiving, fifty touchdown receptions, three Pro Bowl appearances..." Rarity trailed off as she registered the stares she was getting. She cleared her throat. "Not that I follow that brutish sport at all."
Applejack kept facing Twilight, which meant Rarity couldn't see her smirk. "'Specially not with the refs ruinin' darn near every game these days."
"Quite so." Rarity said with a nod. She turned back to Dash. "The point, Rainbow, is that I can certainly put a word in the right ear if you want."
"Uh, thanks, but I don't really have time for a job this summer. Senior year's the big push for academic scholarships, you know? I gotta stay in top form, and all that training takes time, especially with magic getting involved."
"Ah." Rarity nodded. "Alas. Well, Twilight, if nothing else works out, you can at least spend the summer with a friend."
"What about you, Sunset?" said Twilight.
Rarity gave that a five-second scoff. "Oh, don't be ridiculous. It may sound romantic to work side by side with your girlfriend, but Sunset has far better things to do than while away hours for minimum wage."
Sunset raised an eyebrow. "Actually, I am looking."
"Whatever for, darling? After we got you that Benefacteor account—"
"And I'm not sure if I'll forgive you for that one," Sunset said, eyes narrowed.
Rarity rolled her eyes. "Yes, how dare I give you some degree of financial security without Princess Twilight giving you an allowance?"
A pause stretched long enough for most of the table to to feel uncomfortable and for Pinkie to make significant progress in what would be an unreasonably large lunch for anyone else. Unable to meet Rarity's eyes, Sunset finally said, "It's a stipend."
"Of course it is."
"We did still manage to crash FundFriend."
"Why are ya lookin' for work?" said Applejack.
"Same reason Mrs. Velvet wants Twilight to get one, to maintain my perspective. But..."
—————
The florists' shop filled with nervous laughter for an uncomfortable length of time. It didn't so much trail off as die a slow death, until all that remained was a very awkward Sunset and three dumbfounded classmates.
"Wait," said Roseluck. "You're serious?"
"We just laughed at Sunset Shimmer," said Lily, horror etched on her face as she slowly sank beneath the counter.
"This is awful!" cried Daisy, fleeing into the back room.
Roseluck just shut her eyes and said, "Please make it quick."
Sunset groaned.
—————
"And then I had to spend the next ten minutes convincing them that I wasn't going to smite, damn, torment, afflict, or otherwise harass them. I'm pretty sure Daisy was shouting possibilities out of an online thesaurus by the end." Sunset leaned back, staring up at the mall's ceiling. "That was the worst case, but no one else is jumping at the chance to hire the mistress of the universe for a summer position either." She straightened up and shook her head. "At this rate, I might as well just charge people for 'blessing' their copies of my cutie mark with light spells. I've gotten way more requests for that than anything else."
"It'd make for a neat kiosk!" said Pinkie, dabbing a napkin at the remnants of lunch on her cheeks.
Everyone laughed at that. "It certainly makes for a funny mental image. Still—" The sound of an ecstatic choir interrupted Sunset. She pulled her phone from her jacket.
Twilight gave her a wry look. "I thought you were only using that ringtone ironically."
"I'll change it tomorrow," Sunset muttered, staring at her screen. "Huh."
"What's up?" said Dash.
"Well, the job hunt wasn't going anywhere, so I thought I'd... well, cheat a little."
"Define 'cheat,'" said Twilight. "And 'a little.'"
"First of all, we're still going to discuss that 'extremely persuasive' counterargument. Secondly, I just asked Ditzy Doo to keep an eye on what other Sunsets out there are doing for their summer jobs during hers."
"Ah." Twilight caught herself mid-nod. "It really says something about our lives that examining alternate timelines for trends in the sum totality of a single person can be described as 'just asking a friend for help.'"
"Well don't leave us in suspense!" said Pinkie, bouncing in her seat. "What are the other Sunsets set up for?"
"Four out of five are apparently working at the sushi place here." Sunset shuddered as she typed out something. "Working with raw fish in wooden sandals for hours at a time. Fun."
"What's the fifth doin'?" said Applejack.
"I just asked." Another note from the choir got Sunset looking at her phone, at which point she sighed. "Capsumon Gym. Not exactly an option."
Pinkie raised a hand. "I'm basically a Jigglypuff." She puffed out her cheeks and made the best "Eh? Ehhh?" noises she could while keeping her lips shut.
"Thanks, Pinkie, but... well, I can at least try the sushi place. After all, I can shut off my sense of smell. And pain. And disgust, maybe."
The woman at the cash register shook her head. "I'm sorry, Miss Shimmer, but I'm afraid we filled our last summer position yesterday."
Sunset winced. "No, that's fine. If anything, thanks for not firing someone else just so you could tell me yes."
"Good luck with your search."
"Thanks."
Sunset sighed and walked out of the mall. She wasn't sure where she was going. She didn't especially care. She just moved her legs as her mind sat in a grey haze, unaware of time or space. She might not have needed the money, but this was still a sign of the growing gap between her and... well, not to put too fine a point on it, mortals. It was but one sign among many that she would eventually, inevitably—
A cleared throat broke her out of her funk. She blinked and straightened up. "Huh?"
The sheer size of the unicorn-aspect man in front of her told her just how deep that funk had been, given how she hadn't noticed him until now. "I said," he said, his Hindian accent thick as the exotic smells filling the air, "welcome to the Tasty Treat. I am your host, Coriander Cumin. Are you eating here or not?"
Sunset blinked. "Uh... You do know who I am, right?"
Corinader rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, you are Sunset Shimmer. Thank you for preserving the universe. You're not getting a discount."
"One second." Sunset leaned out the door. The Tasty Treat lay nestled between a dance studio and a vacant storefront. Upon spotting a street sign, Sunset realized she knew exactly where she was. This wasn't one of the most affluent parts of Canterlot; in fact, it was fairly close to her home in both proximity and average income.
One thing Sunset had heard on both sides of the portal was that Harmony moved in mysterious ways. She couldn't help but smile a little at that thought. Going back into the vibrantly decorated restaurant, she said, "Actually, I wanted to know if you had any positions open for the summer."
Coriander's eyes briefly widened in surprise before he brought his glare back to bear. "We are not currently hiring."
"Father!" A girl who couldn't have been much older than Sunset, also unicorn-aspected, stormed in from the back of the restaurant. Sunset hadn't known they made hairnets that big. "Don't be rude! And we could always use the help."
For a moment, Coriander seemed fit to burst, but then he shook his head and walked towards the back of the restaurant. "Come with me, Saffron. We should not discuss this in front of the customers."
Once they were in the small office adjacent to the kitchen, he said, "I know what you are thinking. I thought it too. But you do not use gods as publicity stunts. Oh sure, Sunset might bring in some more customers. They may even spread some word of mouth. But that will be about her, not the food. When she's not here, those people are going to look in the window and think to themselves, 'Oh, Sunset Shimmer is not here, it's just some strange fat man' and never even come in."
"Father—"
The attempted interruption did nothing against Coriander's momentum. "And don't even get me started on what will happen when the school year starts and we never see her again."
"Hey, guys? We've got two parties waiting for tables."
Both turned to see Sunset standing in the office where they were certain she hadn't been before, wearing an apron and a hairnet of her own. "What?" said Coriander.
"Unless you want multiple mes walking around where everyone can see, I can't cook, serve, and seat people."
Father and daughter both blinked. "You can cook?" said Saffron.
Sunset shrugged. "You have recipes."
Saffron recoiled. "You're going by the recipes!?"
"Should... should I not?"
"Only if you want to bore all our guests to death! You said you were also in the kitchen?"
"Uh, yes?"
"Tell me what you're making when I get there." Saffron turned to Coriander. "Father, do what you will. I'm salvaging the entrees."
Sunset watched the other girl storm back towards the kitchen. "I feel vaguely insulted."
"It is nothing personal," said Coriander. "Saffron is like any chef. Her kitchen is her kingdom, and even the gods must bow to her there."
"For the record, not a god."
Coriander raised an eyebrow. "You preserve the universe against all-consuming chaos and destruction. There are over a billion people on Earth who at least acknowledge your divinity."
Sunset shuddered and briefly turned blue before collecting herself. Shutting out the phantom sensations of two extra arms, she said, "Different guy. And please don't draw parallels between us again."
"Whatever," said Coriander, not acknowledging the episode with anything beyond a shrug. "It's not like I was planning on paying you like a god if I did hire you."
"If that's supposed to chase me away, I'm doing this more for the experience than anything."
"I suppose you heard what I said about the publicity backfiring?"
Sunset shrugged. "Hey, it's your responsibility to get people coming back anyway, isn't it?"
Coriander smirked. "Technically, it is Saffron's. And she is very good at her job." He paced a few steps, just enough to put him behind the desk. "Very well, Miss Shimmer. I suppose we can at least try this. Come tomorrow; we can determine your hours then."
She beamed and shook his hand. "Thank you for the opportunity."
Fluttershy looked around the restaurant. Granted, she'd been doing a lot of that ever since Tree Hugger had literally pulled her out of herself, but at least this time her looking at something like she'd never seen it before was because she actually hadn't ever seen it before. "Goodness. It's much more exotic than I expected from Sunset."
"She's from another universe," said Twilight. "It doesn't really get much more exotic than that." The circuitry of her personally upgraded ElectroHut uniform flashed twice. "And with that, Rarity is officially—"
"Fashionably late, darling," Rarity said as she slunk into her seat.
"You timed that on purpose," Twilight grumbled, though she couldn't hold back a smile.
Rarity's grin seemed a lot more intentional. "Perhaps."
"We got yer usual," Applejack said, getting a beaming smile in response.
"You seem very happy, Rarity," said Fluttershy.
"Oh, this summer has been a dream. Lily Lace, Inky Rose, and Starstreak have all been model employees. Thank you again, Pinkie."
"Hey, when you know everyone at CHS, you might as well use your powers for good!"
Twilight groaned. "At least someone enjoyed their work this summer."
Dash nudged her. "Hey, you got some sweet high-tech duds out of it."
"And people who somehow still think their CD trays are cupholders in an era when most computers don't even have the things anymore!" Twilight glanced at her shirt and smiled. "But yes, if I have to wear circuitry, I want it to at least be functional circuitry."
"Order up!" called Sunset, her friends' orders drifting behind her on her magic. "Enjoy, everyone."
As her friends dug in, Sunset moved to another table and sighed. Paying with cash was fine, especially when people didn't feel obligated to leave her a two hundred percent tip, but the folded scrap of paper told her she'd gotten something else. "When I find whoever thought this was the best way to pray to me," she grumbled, before trailing off and shaking her head. "Well, they're probably going to throw jalebi at me or something and say they're revering me somehow."
Shouts from her friends made her turn back to their table. Fluttershy had gotten to her feet—several inches above the ground no less—tongue lolling out as she tried to wave cool air onto it.
"Fluttershy!" cried Dash.
Pinkie frowned up at her. "Too spicy?"
"There's pain on my tongue! Why can't we just absorb nutrients through our toes like sensible beings?"
Sunset found herself smiling a little. "On the other hand, it's not like my friends are that much more sane."
Author's Note
Sunset did eventually get the full story about Twilight exercising PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER to prove her point. Suffice to say, apology fruit baskets were ordered and cuddles were temporarily withheld.
I'm willing to strike this compromise with regards to Rarity's father's name if you are.
I'm not going to apply the Bland Name Product routine to every single species of Pokémon. That way lies madness.
Jalebi are spirals or pretzels of deep-fried dough that are then soaked in sugar syrup. They usually come out orange.
Fluttershy's mental state didn't completely de-tree for some weeks after the whole incident. And really, deliberately eating chemicals intended to ward off predators is pretty ridiculous from an objective perspective.
