I Hate Myself And I Want To Die

by PRlNCESS CADENCE

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Suicide / Self Harm, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 1951

Starlight Glimmer tells her story of how she thought her new life would be better, but it's not.

I've come a long way since I left my little village. Princess Twilight says that I've made massive improvements. If that's true, though, then why am I not happy?

Published 2018-12-03 01:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-12-03 01:30:01 UTC

Kill Me

Why do ponies always have to compare themselves to other ponies? Why can't they just be happy with who they are? Why is somepony's self-worth completely dictated by how much better they are at something than everypony else? I wish I could say it's all just in our heads and that if we really try, we can overcome it forever, but the truth of the matter is, we aren't the only ones comparing ourselves to other ponies.

Let's start out with a topic that I feel like most of us can relate to: self-improvement! Let's say that there's a beautiful picture in your mind that you want to put on paper, but you're not quite at the level where it turns out how you expect. Still, though, for the amount of time you've been doing it, it looks pretty good, and if you keep doing it, you'll continue getting better and better until eventually, you'll be able to paint beautiful sunsets and serene landscapes. Sounds pretty great, right?

However, when you do something that makes you feel accomplished, what's your natural inclination after that? You want to show others what a great job you did! After all, you didn't just paint this picture for you to enjoy all by yourself; you want to share it with the world so that everypony can see it and be filled with joy just like you! Unfortunately, though, that's not always how it works out. Sometimes, even after pouring your heart and soul into something you consider a masterpiece, all your hard work gets passed up by somepony else, and in turn, all your hard work gets ignored. If you really don't meet their expectations, though, they might even tell you that it's not good enough or that you should stop trying.

How can you believe that you have self-worth when everypony around you is saying that you don't?

Let me go a little bit deeper. When I was a filly, I had a best friend named Sunburst. The two of us did everything together, from playing with blocks to flying kites to eating the exact same foods to using the same colors for all our drawings. Then, one day, Sunburst got his cutie mark, and everything changed.

The two of us were using our magic to stack up books together, but after I pulled one book from the wrong place, the entire mountain of pages came crashing down on top of me. Before that happened, however, Sunburst used his magic to stop the books in the air and send them flying into the shelves behind me, even categorizing them alphabetically by the author's last name. In that moment, Sunburst realized that even though magic was something that we both loved, he had a talent that exceeded the level of other unicorns his age. After that, his parents saw that he was not only good at magic, but that he was better than the other foals where we lived, and at that moment, he went to a prestigious magic school where I wouldn't see or hear from him for years to come.

After that, my entire reality was shook to its core. My mind had connected the idea of being talented at something to that of losing my friends. From that moment onward, I was too afraid to make friends, believing that if I became better than them or if they became better than me at any little thing, our friendship would end, leaving me heartbroken and alone again.

Eventually, I stopped caring about comparing myself to others, not because I felt like it was safe to do so, but because I realized that with my magic, I could one day make it to where nopony would ever compare themselves to anypony ever again. In that moment, I felt a newfound motivation coursing through my veins, and when I looked down, I saw my cutie mark, reaffirming that what I was doing was my life's mission.

From that moment on, I learned every magic spell that I could get my hooves on while intertwining them and even making my own new spells. I studied Mage Meadowbrook and her eight enchanted items, and that's when I got an idea that could completely change Equestria forever. What if there was a ninth enchanted item that could make us all equal, so nopony would have to feel like they were inferior ever again? We could finally be happy with who we were, because no matter how good or how bad at something we were, nopony else would be any better or any worse.

Again, I studied magic for years until I could create a spell that would remove somepony's cutie mark from their body. I couldn't destroy them completely, but I could at least store them away in a vault where they could be held indefinitely. Of course, doing this meant that I would be the leader, which in and of itself meant that I would be defying the very principles that I was trying to promote, but ultimately, I knew that what I was doing would be for the greater good and that I didn't have any other options to work with.

I spent years recruiting ponies to join my peaceful village, using what I called the Staff of Sameness in order to convince them that it was an artifact that made us equal rather than my magic. This new identity that we all shared was difficult for us all to get used to, and there were several times when ponies would want their cutie marks back, just so they could return to their comfort zone. Eventually, though, they would always come around to what I was trying to accomplish, and soon enough, our town was filled with big, happy smiles that never seemed to vanish. Everypony was happier than we could have imagined… until that day.

Princess Twilight and her friends came to solve some kind of problem, although at the time, none of us was quite sure what the problem was supposed to be. I was sure that whatever the problem was, it was caused by their cutie marks, but in my attempts to show them what a happy, peaceful life we all lived, they opposed my mission, revolting against our town and turning the townsponies against me. Even while using the magic that I had studied my whole life, there was somepony who matched me. Again, I was left to compare myself to somepony else… somepony with a cutie mark.

I then delved even deeper into the study of magic. In order for everypony to be equal, I would have to become the most powerful magician to ever live, even more so than Starswirl the Bearded. Upon finding one of his spells that was intended to travel through time, I applied everything I had ever learned to expand on it, taking me years back in time to any place in Equestria. I was coming up with a plan that would make it to where Twilight's friends would never interfere with my happy little village again, but in order for it to work, I needed her map. Better yet, I would take her with me so she could see my plan firsthoof.

My plan worked perfectly at first, stopping Rainbow Dash's sonic rainboom and preventing all six fillies from getting their cutie marks, and no matter how many times Twilight tried to stop me, I was always one step ahead of her. Then, when I was sure I had won, Twilight took me to a place that she called the present. It was a totally barren, desolate wasteland, and from what she told me, this was what would eventually be Equestria if the rainboom never happened. It was the most painful moment of my life. If I stopped these ponies from ruining my life, it meant that Equestria would cease to exist. The entire world literally depended on my misery.

Fortunately, however, Twilight offered me a chance at a new life, where I could have friends again. As it so turned out, the map hadn't called them there to solve a friendship problem that the villagers were having, but rather a friendship problem that I was having. It wasn't anything close to the life I had always dreamed of, but it was a better option than having no friends and being locked up in Tartarus. Besides, ever since then, I've met all kinds of new friends, had lots of fun adventures and even gained a position in Twilight's school of friendship as a guidance counselor, which brings me to today.

Earlier this morning, I heard a couple of foals arguing in the foyer and galloped as fast as I could to see what the problem was.

“She says that we should have carrots for lunch, but I wanted hay fries!” the unicorn filly yelled.

“And I think that carrots are tastier!” the pegasus filly retorted. “Besides, we had hay fries last week!”

“My family had carrots for dinner last night!”

“No fair! I didn't get to eat any carrots!”

“ALRIGHT! ENOUGH!” I shouted, putting the two of them into an anechoic magical bubble. “Clearly the two of you don't want to eat the same thing, so why don't you just eat something different?” I felt that I had handled that situation pretty well, but once I released them from the magic bubbles, they both looked at me in confusion.

“Professor Applejack said that eating the same thing for lunch would help strengthen our friendship,” the pegasus said.

“Maybe we should just stop being friends after all,” the unicorn added sadly.

I fumbled over my own words, doing everything I could not to inadvertently ruin somepony's friendship. “N-no! I have an idea! Why don't the two of you share something you both like equally?”

“Hmm…” the unicorn began, putting her hoof up to her lip. “If I didn't have hay fries, turnips would be a good second choice.”

“Turnips sound great!” the pegasus replied. “Thanks, Professor Starlight!”

With that out of the way, the two fillies galloped to the courtyard to enjoy a lunch that they could both enjoy, leaving me with a smile on my own face for a job well-done. Only, I wasn't sure that what I said was necessarily the right thing to do. Rather than solving a friendship problem by showing them how their own unique attributes could benefit each other, the answer was equality, which Princess Twilight had told me was wrong.

I ran my hoof through my mane to soothe my aching head as I walked back into my office, locking the door behind me. I wanted to believe that what I had learned about friendship from Twilight was true, but I couldn't get past the suspicion that maybe she was wrong and that I had been right all along. I had completely abandoned all of my core values and tried adapting to a new life in Ponyville for over a year now, and I did all of this specifically so that Equestria wouldn't cease to exist. Everything that I had worked for in my life, all the years that I had spent working towards a happy village where everypony could be equal was gone so that a different, superior way of life could go on instead, and in the process, everything that made me special was now gone. This is just something that I'll always have to live with, but at the same time… I find myself asking who I even am anymore or if this new life is even worth losing who I've always wanted to be...

I hate myself… and I want to die...