The Potion Shop

by Ashfur

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Slice of Life, Anthology, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 95670

There's a secluded potion shop in a small little town. Its owner is... eccentric.

In the small town of Rainbow Falls, amid the constant hustle and bustle of the trade exchanges and Equestria games tryouts, a little alchemy shop goes relatively unnoticed by tourists.
The townsponies know better, though. The shop's proprietor has magical power to rival the best in history, and has on more than one occasion gone off to hunt monsters alone for ingredients.
It's a pity that in the crazy world of Equestria, all he wants to do is run his shop.

Now with cover art by Little Tigress!

Published 2018-12-04 13:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-08-17 14:44:03 UTC

Cold hard logic

Juniper woke up, stretching her wings and legs with a yawn. She rolled out of bed with a sigh, hoping silently that there wouldn't be any rude customers today. Just because the shop and its owner were well-respected in the community did not mean everypony was nice to them. So, after making breakfast and taking some time to admire the sunrise, she got to her hooves and trotted off towards her workplace.

As she got closer to the shop, though, she noticed worried glances in her direction and sheepish waves from the shopkeepers she knew. This was a bad sign, and any peace she felt was quickly replaced by the single thought of 'What is it this time?'

"Good morning, Juniper! How's my favorite apprentice this morning?" Arca bounded over happily, a few potions shaking and mixing in his magical grasp. "The front door of the shop is stuck shut. But don't worry! I'm fixing this problem as fast as I can!"

Juniper facehooved. "Boss, it's not just the door."

"Yeah, but if we can get the door unstuck, we can open up the shop and fix the rest later! All I need to do is find what I dropped in my lab and I can undo all this."

"You froze the shop solid, Boss!" Juniper threw her hooves up in protest. "Everything is covered in bucking ice!"

"Hey, I didn't freeze the shop! All I did was drop the temperature in the shop to negative 35 degrees marenheit. It moisture in the air flash-froze on own!" He turned and snorted. "Seriously, who would freeze their own shop? You'd have to be out of your bucking mind to do that."

"But you- you know what, Boss? This isn't worth arguing over. Instead, why don't you explain WHY you felt the need to drop the temperature that low? And moreover, I know you have enough magic to undo this, so why not just melt the ice?"

"Oh, that. So, I was bringing in some special supplies from the store that needed to be kept frozen, some ice element beads and frost leaves. But then I dropped them, and the ice beads rolled all over the store! If they melt, I'll need to get more, so instead of going back to the store I decided to just drop the temperature until I found them all." Arca rubbed his head with a hoof, an embarrassed expression on his face. "But when I ran to my house to get my emergency winter labcoat," he gestured to his fur-lined gear, "the whole shop froze solid and now the door is shut! So no we're stuck out here until I can get the damn door open."

Arca sat on his haunches and harumphed loudly, hoping that somepony would offer to help out. The townsponies paid the pair no mind, though, as events like this were both commonplace and highly likely to get sorted out by sundown without outside help. It also didn't help that Ice element beads were incredibly cheap, being just balls of ice with runes engraved on them for frost magic, so all in all Arca's reasoning for such drastic measures wasn't exactly sound... or sane.

"Well, I suppose we can't work until the building thaws, so I guess I'll try and unstick the door." Juniper flew over to the front door to investigate. "Geez, Boss! It's freezing over here! No wonder this ice is holding fast," she remarked, tugging at the door with a wing.

Arca trudged up to his apprentice. "Ugh, do I have to do everything myself?! Move, watch and learn!" Deciding that the best course of action was excessive force, he grabbed onto the metal door handle with his mouth, gripped the door with his magic, and pulled as hard as he could...

CRACK

...and promptly sent himself and the door flying backwards into the street, the brittle frozen door shattering into splinters on impact.

"Boss! Are you alright? Wait, of course you are. This shit barely even fazes him," Juniper mumbled to herself as she casually hovered over. "Well, great job opening the door, Boss, but it's too cold to go inside."

Arca got to his hooves, clearly displeased with the door handle now frozen to his lips. A few ponies nearby stifled chuckles. "I thoff of dat. Where did I- ah!" He levitated a vial of bright orange liquid into view. "Ere is a potion I made to keef you warm. Dwink."

Deciding drinking the cold-resist potion was better than joining the chortles, Juniper grasped the vial and downed it, wiping her mouth with a wing. "Oof, kinda spicy. But I feel warmer already. That was a strong potion, Boss. Thanks!" She paused a moment, sweat forming on her brow. "Uh... Boss? I think it's a tad TOO hot..."

Arca leaned in close. "Huh. Maybe using wava an dwacovian deff peffer as da main ingwedients wasn't my best idea..."

"Wait. Lava? Dracovian death peppers? Are you insaaaAAAAAA-" a massive burst of flame spewed forth from Juniper's mouth, not unlike a dragon's breath, instantly defrosting the handle from Arca's face while simultaneously burning her mentor. Not that that was an issue, as he got singed at least five times a week, but regardless Juniper began galloping away toward the nearest water source to try and stop the flames. Naturally, Arca pursued as fast as his legs could carry him, all the while calling out to his pupil.

"Juniper! Wait, wait turn around! We can use that to melt the ice and open for the day!"

"Juniper, the shop is THAT WAY! It's just a little fire! Slow down!"

"JUNIPER!"

Author's Note

I couldn't find the freezer, so now the whole shop is the freezer! I'm a bucking GENIUS! -Arcane Catalyst

Floof

In the small village of Rainbow Falls, there are rules, much like any other town. And much like any other town, there are some rules that are specific to that town alone. Sometimes rules only apply to a specific species, like pegasi only being affected by a rule about sky traffic or unicorns told to not use magic in certain buildings. Rainbow falls, however, is the only town in the whole world to have rules regarding a single pony, known as the Three Mane Rules.

Rule Number One: There is a specific type of potion that should NEVER EVER be discussed in the presence of one Mr. Arcane Catalyst. It is not listed here in case he ever finds these rules, ask somepony else about it.

Rule Number Two: By discussing THAT potion near Arcane Catalyst, or, Celestia forbid, asking him to make said potion, one immediately voids all responsibility of the town. It is your own bucking fault, and you will have to pay for any damage and also Ms. Juniper Berry's resulting therapy visit, should she require one.

Rule Number Three: Under no circumstances whatsoever is Arcane to be made aware of these three laws. Should he ever learn of them, play them off as a joke. Please.

As the newspony finished reading the pamphlet given to tourists, he noticed a few counters in the city hall. 19 days until Hearth's Warming. 196 days until the Summer Sun Celebration. No Arca incidents for 3 days. That last one, Calligraphy Quill noted, only had a single digit on itself, implying that more than 9 days between incidents was a rare event. Calligraphy decided that his best chance at a story in this town was this Arcane fellow, so he set off to the shop on the other side of town.

The recently repaired shop door let out a jingle as he entered, the bored-looking stallion sleeping behind the counter while absentmindedly levitating some bouncy balls in an orbit around his head. As soon as he heard the door open, though, Arca perked up, but in his enthusiasm the small rubber balls bounced all over the shop and out of sight. "Hey there! Welcome to Alchemir- hey, wait no! My bouncy balls! Come baaaack!" Arca ducked under the counter to search for his toys, but reluctantly climbed back up to his stool behind the counter. "Sorry about that, sir! I don't even have my apprentice here to help me look for 'em, either. She's off visiting family. How can I help you?"

"Ah, yes. My name is Calligraphy Quill. Call me Cali. I'm here looking to talk with an... Arca? I wanted to ask a few questions."

"That's me!" Arca jubilantly exclaimed, hitting his chest with a hoof. "Go ahead, nopony's come in yet, so ask away!"

What followed was a long, albeit mundane interview that Arca seemed to enjoy a lot. Talking about the shop and everything it had been through, discussing the finer points of alchemy, and more flew by faster than Cali could write them down. He even included free samples of some powerful potions to prove his skill, much to Cali's delight. Finally though, Arca brought his monologue to an end. "Oh, sorry, did I drone on too much? My bad! Well, tell you what, buddy. I can ramble all about this place and it won't mean a thing if I don't make good on my promises. I can make pretty much any potion you can think of! Give me an idea and I'll make you a fresh batch, on the house!"

Calligraphy was taken aback by such a generous offer. "Really? Anything?" He ran a hoof through his short mane as Arca nodded. "Well, my wife always liked my long mane when I was young and spry. Do you happen to have any fur growth potions back there?"

There was a palpable shift in the atmosphere of the shop as soon as the words left his mouth. It was as though the store itself was holding its breath, and all the normal cheer the shop emitted was absorbed into Arca as he smiled wider that should be natural. "A fur growth potion? I would most certainly, without a doubt be delighted to make that for you! Nopony ever asks for that these days. You wait there, I'll be right back!" The stallion snapped his goggles over his eyes and nearly snagged his labcoat on the countertop as he dashed into his lab. For a good twenty minutes various noises that certainly did not belong in a cooking area sounded through the door, until a wild-eyed Arca burst back through with a few glowing blue vials in his magic.

"EUREKA! Here you are my good stallion, one fresh, brand-new fur growth potion. And thank you for taking up so much of my day, I was soooooo bored! Ah well, back to work!" Quickly passing the set of potions to Cali, he hopped up on the stool behind the counter, slammed his head down on the table, and fell back asleep. His horn lit up and the bouncy balls rolled out of their hiding places, orbiting his head once more.

Pleased with the news article this was sure to produce, Cali downed one of the potions before heading off to the train station to catch the next train home. Along the way, he stopped in at a diner and had a meal, as well as meeting with the mayor for a different, scheduled interview. Finally reaching the platform, he collided with a light green mare, stumbling back a step. He must have crashed into her hard, because he knocked some loose fur out of his mane, he thought. "Oh, terribly sorry miss. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Juniper replied. "Trust me, that little bump is nothing compared to some of the stuff I deal with at Alchemiracles."

"Ah, that potion shop? I was there earlier, nice fellow. He whipped me up a few potions free of charge for my news column, including one that should surprise my wife! Celestia above, I missed having a long mane..."

Juniper froze, her eyes shrinking to pinpricks. Most of the ponies within earshot did the same, every head turning and looking at Cali. "Did you... you didn't... oh sweet Celestia, you did! No! Get me out of this town before it starts!" Juniper flew as fast as she could to get back on the train, any train, but the conductors all shut the doors the moment they realized what was going on. Calligraphy felt something, and began glowing. The glow centered on his short mane, the light intensifying until... Poof! All his mane fell out at once.

"M-my mane! What the buck happened to my mane?! That potion was supposed to for fur growth, not fur loss! What the bu-"

FLOOF

Without warning, all the fur on Cali exploded outwards in a burst of growth, turning him into a puffball of fuzz ten feet wide with no visible face. And then the pony next to him started to glow as well.

"Oh, NO! It's gone bucking VIRAL!" Were the last words the older mare was able to say before another pile of floof covered the train station. Juniper looked down and noticed that she, too, was glowing now.

"Shit."

Arca woke up a few hours later, and groggily looked out the window to see what time of day it was. Unable to see the sky through the window, only a mass of fur, he concluded his vision must be getting fuzzy and made a mental note to get his eyes checked soon before falling back to sleep.

Author's Note

"Whoops! Rolled a one!" -Arca

To be fair, it was a FUR growth, not a MANE growth potion. I'd pet a 10 foot ball of floof if I wouldn't end up as one later, too. Pet da floof.

In other news, I am working towards getting an editor! Which is good because I buck up every now and again writing.

A wise investment

The mayor of Rainbow Falls, one Mr. Silver Scroll, sat at his desk in city hall going through the day's paperwork. The middle-aged, white and gray earth pony rubbed his eyes from having stared at the papers too long. Any hope of rest, however, was shattered by a knock on his door. "Sir? You three o'clock appointment is here," the nasally voice of his receptionist called out.

"Ah, yes. Send them in, I suppose." The door opened, and in strode two salesponies that Silver swore looked familiar. "So, I understand you two are going around selling insurance..."

One of the two cream-colored ponies spoke up, his thick mustache ruffling as he did so. "Why of course, my good stallion! We've been going around selling insurance against one of the worst kinds of natural disasters, one that could strike at any time!"

"Yes, yes!" The other chimed in. "Everypony in town was more than eager to buy our volcano insurance for the low, low price of a thousand bits per policy, and we have all the required permits to peddle our wares, so-"

"Stop. Just stop." Silver pushed a hoof to his forehead. "I don't need a headache from all your buzzwords. Look," he looked at them, noticable bags under his eyes. "I know your type. We both know that as soon as you've sold enough insurance policies, you two will skip town and never be seen again. It's happened in the past, it will happen again..."

"Sir!" One of the salesponies took a practiced step back in shock. "We are no scammers. Our insurance is one hundred and ten percent genuine, and cheap too! Why, the only pony who turned us down was the local jewelry shop owner. Tossed us out before we could even speak, that mare!"

"Trust me, miss Essence will regret that. But I'm not here to stop you. I'm giving you a warning. For your own safety, just admit it's a scam and refund everypony. It'll save us all some trouble and I'll only fine you a thousand bits. I know this place isn't near any volcanoes, but I promise you there will be one, and your so-called clients will come seeking insurance claims. Call it off before it gets worse."

"Sir, I don't think you realize exactly how vital volcano insurance is to peace of mind, even in a tectonically stable area like Rainbow Fa-" He was cut off by a flash and a loud BANG of a teleport, revealing the one pony who didn't have a concept of making appointments.

"GOOD MORNING, MAYOR SILVER!"

Silver slammed his head down on his desk, hoping against hope he was dreaming. "Arca, it's three in the afternoon. And don't yell, I have a headache."

"Don't worry! I made a potion to fix that since you always seem to have a headache when I visit! You might want to see a doctor about that."

The salespony without a mustache spoke up. "Excuse me, who are you? We are in the middle of a meeting here."

"Oh, you two have your little meeting then! I just need to speak to mayor Silver." Arca cheerfully turned to the stallion who was quickly wishing he'd called in sick that morning, and every morning. "I need a permit to gather materials under the town limits."

"If you were anypony else, I'd ask if you meant 'within' and not 'under'. You don't need a mining permit, Arca." As Arca's face lit up with glee, he added, "You don't need one because I'm not giving you one. Whatever you plan on doing, don't."

Arcane's ears flattened against his head, and he looked like a foal who just got told Santa Hooves wasn't real. "Oh." He paused, then added, "Not even a little bit? I had the incantations all set up before I remembered to check with you."

Silver let out a heavy sigh. "And did you activate them?"

"Maybe a little..."

"Arca, I want you to be honest with me. Did you try magically drilling to the bedrock in your backyard again?"

"Nooooo..." At that moment, a massive boom was heard in the distance. A flaming hunk of rock came crashing through the wall, a volcano spewing smoke, fire, and more visible in the middle of Market Street. "I did it in the front yard this time."

"Arca!" Silver pulled out a rolled up copy of the Rainbow Herald, the town's newspaper, and whapped Arcane on the head. "How many times do I have to bucking tell you to stop causing natural disasters near buisnesses!"

"Aw, crap. That's gonna ruin the begonias in the garden, isn't it? Good thing I saw a bunch of ponies buying volcano insurance today!" At that remark, the salesponies began to sweat nervously. "I hope Juniper got to them, I haven't seen her all day."

"There are more important things than your poisonous plant garden, Arca! Go get rid of that volcano, this instant!"

"Do I haaave too?" Arcane whined. He only got a hoof pointed towards the door in response. "Fine..." he dejectedly trudged over to the hole and jumped out of the building, disappearing from sight. Above the chaos and the fire, he could be heard throughout the town: "JUNIPER! GET THE BROOM! THERE'S A THING IN THE YARD I NEED CLEANED UP!"

Silver took a swig of the potion Arca had left, and turned to the two salesponies. "Now, about that insurance..."

Author's Note

"What bucking good is a broom going to do against lava, Boss?"

"Good point. Go get a mop instead!"

I couldn't resist the idea of phony insurance claims. It was too perfect to pass up for the story.

A Double-blind Experiment

“Alright, Juniper. Be careful pouring that ingredient in. This potion is a little more advanced than the ones you normally work with.” Arca sat on his haunches and observed his apprentice as she tried to learn a new potion recipe. It was rare that anypony got to see him like this, a true mentor to Juniper who truly did care about her wellbeing. Juniper was enjoying herself as well, as days like this without something crazy were few and far between.

Juniper cautiously added a few leaves of smoky thistle to the cauldron. “Alright boss, that's thirty grams of smoky thistle. What next?” She earnestly asked.

“Thirty grams? Juniper, look at the size of that cauldron! I think we can add some more. Live a little!” he gestured to the large cauldron that was already full and bubbling with a grayish liquid.

“That's what I'm trying to do, Boss…”

“NONSENSE! In this job, you need to take risks! Improvise! Have a sense of adventure and add a few more.”

“But the recipe says-”

“Buck the recipe! Adventure and discovery await!” Grabbing a few pounds of smoky thistle, he dropped them all in the cauldron and looked into the vat, grinning. “See? Nothing to worry abou-”

With a loud FOOM sound, a gray cloud of smoke shot up out of the cauldron. The result of this left Arca with a completely gray face and soot-covered goggles over his eyes. Juniper coughed a few times, fanning the cloud away with her wings. “Oh, mane! Boss, are you alright? Thank Celestia we weren't using toxic materials, you could have been seriously hurt!”

Arca didn't respond at first. He waved a hoof in front of his face, looked left and right a few times, and didn't take his goggles off. As Juniper reached for him, though, something seemed to click as he realized what was obstructing his vision.

“OH NO! Juniper, I've gone BLIND! I CAN'T SEE!”

Or not. “Boss, it's just a little soot. You're fine, just take off your goggles and-”

“BLIIIIIIIINNNNND!” Arca stumbled backwards, toppling over several shelves of expensive glassware before somehow reaching the back door and tumbling out into the midday sun. “Juniper? Juniper where are you?”

The light green pegasus glanced at the broken glass and unfinished potion, deciding quickly that preventing any further Arca-related damage was more important than cleaning up. She trudged after the stallion she swore she might as well be foal sitting half the time, muttering to herself. “Get an apprenticeship at the local alchemist, Juniper. You'll learn lots of new skills to help your career, Juniper. Mom did not mention those skills would be disaster prevention and emergency first aid…”

“This is absurd! You can't charge that many bits for a simple repair!” the irate pony cried out.

“Sorry, dear. This is a high-class shop, and I don't change my prices for whining. Now, please pay before I have to call the town guard. I find them unpleasant and smelly.” Emerald Essence glared at her latest customer, her gaze practiced to convey ‘pay up or else’.

“Fine! But see if I ever shop here again. Just because you're the only jewelry store in town doesn't mean you can charge that much!” the mare hoofed the small pile of bits over to Emerald and left in a huff. “Get floofed, you rotten mare!”

“Is that some local curse word? Oh, no matter. I haven't had such a profit in my store, ever! So many bits, so little time. One, two, three…” Emerald began counting her ‘hard-earned’ money, but suddenly a crash echoed through the store. Glass shards ripped the carpet to shreds, and several display cases were destroyed as a pony-shaped projectile body slammed it's way into the shop.

“I CAN'T SEE! JUNIPER, WHERE ARE YOU? HELP ME!” Arca crashed into several more display cases, knocking them and the fragile ornaments (purposefully made to break easy so Emerald could charge for repairs) over. The sound of shattering glass seemed to spook Arca even more, and he summoned a blast of force around him to clear a path. This served to ruin the curtains hanging from the ceiling. Infuriated, Emerald stomped over and used her magic to lift Arca's goggles off of his head.

“What is the meaning of this, you insane buffoon?! You just caused over ten thousand bits in damages! I ought to have you arrested for trespassing and destr-”

“I CAN SEE AGAIN! Oh, thank you, thank you so much! I don't know what you did, but thank you! Now, I have to go back and help Juniper with her lesson. Now, where are my goggles? Ah, there they are! Let me just OH SWEET CELESTIA I CAN'T SEE AGAIN! HELP!” Goggles back on his face, Arca raced out of the building once again and tripped into a fountain nearby, finally ending his little rampage. Emerald just stood there, amidst her ruined shop, her buisnessmare brain calculating out how much damage Arca had just caused. She screamed in rage.

Author's Note

“What do you mean you can't arrest him for that?”

“Technically,” The officer replied, “He's classified as a force of nature. You DID get Arca insurance when you moved here, right?” Emerald's eye twitched. “R-right? No? Looks like you're floofed then.”

Also, a HUGE thank-you to my new editor, AdmiralPopeyesBeard! Everypony say hello to him!

Buy one, Get one

Juniper woke up. Well, ‘woke up’ would be a strong word. It was more along the lines of ‘Juniper was no longer sleeping’. Awake, but not fully cognizant of her surroundings. At least it was better than her first year living in town, sleeping in the guest room of Arca's house above the store. More specifically, directly above his lab. Getting her own apartment did wonders for her sleep and sanity.

But today was just one of those days where she didn’t fully wake up. She trotted to the kitchen and prepared herself a breakfast of oatmeal and daisies before trudging off to the store on autopilot. As she marched through the streets of the little hamlet towards the single building distanced from all the others on the street, she groggily shook herself out of her mental slumber enough to remember how to climb the steps on the porch. She slogged her way inside, put on her happy customer service face, and sat behind the counter.

It was about twenty minutes until the door swung open, the jingling of bells snapping Juniper awake again. The first customer of the day trotted in, hesitantly. “Um, hi, I came here for a potion of… oh. I… I must have the wrong store. So sorry!” the cream colored stallion left before Juniper could respond.

“Wait, what are you talking about? This is Alchemiracles, and… uh…” Juniper looked around the store for the first time that day, her mind finally awake enough to process the near-daily puzzle of ‘what is out of place?’ Today, the answer was sofas. Dozens of sofas of different colors and styles, all stacked in such a way they not only wouldn't fall over, but also replaced all the shelves. Potions were even resting atop the multitude of cushions, labeled with price tags and all. “...And this is new.”

“Good morning, Juniper!” a cheerful Arca bounced out of the back room with several colorful potions in his grasp, setting them on the plush ‘shelves’ according to potion type and dosage. “how are you today?”

“Boss… dare I ask about… this?” She gestured to the surrounding furniture.

“Sure, go ahead. No dumb questions here. Well, except when the customers ask them. Seriously, who can't eyeball the difference between a 10 milliliter and a 12 milliliter dose? Blind fools…”

Juniper decided not to point out that she couldn't do that either, and pressed on. “The sofas, boss! Where did all these come from?”

“Oh, Furniture King was having a buy one, get one free sale! I saved so much money, isn't it great? And they aren't sofas, they are couches.” Juniper facehooved. “What? You never know when 500 couches are gonna end up useful! And I only had to pay for 250 of ‘em!”

“What are you going to do with 500 couches? Because they don't make good shelves.” She gestured to a few potions about to roll off a couch-shelf, barely catching them before they shattered on the floor.

“Uh… well… I suppose I could use them to…” Arca floundered for an answer, a rare occurrence to those who knew him. “But they were on SALE!”

Juniper turned around and headed out of the shop. “Oh, floof this. Forget it, Boss. I'm taking a day off. Try to have the bucking shelves back by tomorrow, please…”

“Fine, fine. See you tomorrow, Juniper. As for the couches, I'll figure something out as to where to put them. I hope.”

Juniper woke up the next day feeling refreshed. She didn't often take paid time off because she was honestly scared of what Arca would do alone, but she chuckled to herself about the irony there. Originally Arca didn't even track how many days off she took, and when the nearby alchemy guild told him having a set number of days off per year was the law, he gave her 365 days a year as potential PTO. She took almost 3 weeks off every month until what would go down as ‘The floof that never happened, I swear, please don't ask ever’ took place because she was off that day, and she'd maintained a near-perfect attendance ever since.

So, with a pep in her step from a good night's rest, she took to the skies and flew the rest of the distance to the store. There was a semi-official danger zone around the shop known as the Arca Limit where few dared take to the skies… or build anything. At least it meant that they had great landscaping and Celestia damnit she did not see what she thought she saw.

Sitting happily atop the mightiest couch cushion fortress ever constructed, complete with a liquid rainbow moat, Arca munched on his morning blueberry waffles and waved to his apprentice, clearly proud of himself. “Good morning, Juniper! Look, I found a use for the couches after all!”

Author's Note

"What is the difference between a sofa and a couch, Boss?"

"It's kind of like how a ladder and stepladder are different."

"They're the same!"

"Shush, Juniper. They are not, and we have a stepladder."

Memo to the holiday help

Hey, Juniper insisted I wrote something here so I wrote a haiku.

Welcome to the team
We have lots of potions here
Juniper help I forgot how many syllables it is

Singed, Arcane Catalyst

Ignore the above, please. I just wanted to give you an idea of what you're going to be working with. Welcome to Alchemiracles. If you're reading this, you've been hired as temporary extra help during the holiday rush. Honestly the Boss can do everything himself, but he doesn't handle customers well. Or at all. He tried experimenting on one once. So, seeing as you already read the policies on how the retail aspect of the job is handled, I have prepared a list of guidelines to help you not get hurt, and help you understand why this 3 week long job pays 100 bits an hour. Please, do not ask why these exist, and expect to do something during your stay that will be added to this list.

-Arcane Catalyst responds to being called Arcane, Arca, Boss, and Captain Noodles.
-The customer may think they are always right, but if they get fussy refer them to Arca and move on.
-Arca is not allowed to roll initiative to see who talks to the customers first, nor roll charisma to make a better sale.
-Keep clear of the lab door, Arca opens it fast and without warning.
-Keep a potent healing potion on you at all times.
-Keep a potent fire resistance potion on you at all times.
-Keep a potent explosion resistance potion on you at all times.
-Keep a potent electricity resistance potion on you at all times.
-Do not ask Arca to combine the three resistance potions into a single, more manageable potion, or you will immediately require all three and the healing potion.
-Yes, potions can be flavored upon request, but Arca hogs the grape flavoring to himself.
-And the strawberry.
-Arca is not allowed to restock the shelves without supervision. He can and will get distracted.
-If something stains the wall, alert the hardware store what color the stain is so they can arrange to be out of that color paint. Arca would rather repaint the shop than deal with a stain.
-Do not call any of the couches ‘sofas’.
-Under no circumstances are any mane growth potions to be mentioned, ever.
-Keep Arca away from the decorative presents. He will open them and be disappointed they are empty.
-Don't let Arca near the sugar.
-The shop being on fire is the bare minimum situation that you may disturb Juniper during her coffee break for.
-In case you are from out of town, ‘get floofed’ is the same as ‘buck you’ in this town.
~~-Arca is amazing and cool you should give him all the potion ingredients you have and let him try new potions on you~~
-Arca is not allowed to edit these guidelines.
-Juniper may be given a sympathy hug at any time she is not in the middle of something.
-Arca is not allowed to play with superballs in the shop again, ever.
-Even if he asks nicely.
-This applies to any sporting equipment, actually.
-Any and all potion prescriptions are to be reviewed by Juniper for tampering by Arca. He tries to ‘improve’ the formula sometimes.
-If Arca offers you a beverage, odds are he spiked it with an untested but mostly harmless potion for a field test.
-The above rule does not apply if the cup is the one that changes color based on temperature, he likes that one.
-If you have to question a strange behavior, ask Juniper first.
-Pretend any strange noises, vibrations, and flashes in the shop are not there.
-Do not go near the locked door in the back of the lab. Arca keeps his emergency stuffed animals back there.
-Do not question Arca's choice of attire. He has never been seen without his lab coat, or similar clothing, and likely never will.
-Saying ‘What could go wrong?’ or anything similar will result in something going wrong.
-Don't ask about the duck.
-Seriously, DON'T ASK ABOUT THE DUCK
-If you hear Arca say ‘Whoops’,’Oops’,or ‘Uh oh’, you are legally permitted to evacuate the neighborhood at your discretion.
-If you hear Arca panicking and telling anypony in earshot to run, you are legally required to evacuate the town immediately, no exceptions.

By following these guidelines, you should have an easier time working here during the holiday rush. Happy Hearth's Warming, New Year, and welcome to the team! Good luck.

You're gonna need it.

Signed, Juniper Berry

Author's Note

"Hey Juniper, why are all the potential employees running away?"

"No clue, Boss. *Sigh* No clue at all."

"I made you coffee with... stuff! Drink it. It'll make you feel better. Or turn into a pigeon for a few hours."

Kill it with fire!

The sun slowly setting on the horizon signaled the end of the day, and unlike most would be led to believe, most days passed without incident as long as a certain wild-maned unicorn was checked in on every hour or so.

In fact, Arca had spent a good three hours passed out at his table, having collapsed during lunch from another long night reading the latest issue of his favorite comic, Detective Surehoof. Nopony ever complained about Arca sleeping on the job, as it usually led to less disasters.

So, Juniper was in the process of counting the bits and wiping down the counter with a smile on her face, humming a tune, she heard the sounds of shattering glass. Despite his eccentricities, Arca was a great mentor and and asset to the town, it was only when he was left to his own devices that things went wrong.

Wait, the sound of shattering glass?

“JUNIPER! THERE'S A THING IN THE LAB! HELP! ...But put on your lab coat first! You know the rules!”

Juniper sighed, grabbed her lab coat from its place under the counter, and headed into the lab. When she entered, she saw Arca tossing various potions at seemingly nothing. Some of the potions were also on fire. As was the corner of the lab all the potions were landing in. “Boss, there's nothing there. You must have a smudge on your goggles again.”

Arca, meanwhile, was hiding behind his cauldron. “It's there! Hurry up and kill it!” Juniper cautiously stepped forward, looking for any foe, and finally saw it. “It's horrifying! Kill it with fire, and ice, and lasers, and fire again!”

“Boss, it's just a spider. You've used bigger spiders as potion ingredients.”

“It has too many legs and eyes! And it TOUCHED ME! It won't leave me alone! And those spiders were dead already! This is different!”

“Sure it is. Hey there, little guy. Let's get you to somewhere less dangerous, huh?” She reached out with a hoof, but the spider decided to take that moment to drop from its web to the floor.

“Aha! Die spider, die!” Arca kicked the cauldron over, sending a wave of blue potion cascading over the arachnid. Juniper barely had the time to react properly, leaping out of the way and hovering in the air with her wings.

“What the buck, Boss? You could have hit me with that! And you probably killed the little guy!”

“Oh, relax, Juniper. The spider's gone. I swear, you worry too much. Panicking over a little spider… how silly! And besides, what's the worst that could happen to you if you got splashed with a highly potent, untested growth potion?”

“Wait, you doused a spider in untested-”

CRUNCH

[Juniper, put a page break in here. -Arca]

Today was finally the day. She had the proper permits forged, she had abused loophole after loophole, and finally she had found a team willing to do as she asked (nopony in town dared to try).

Today, Emerald Essence was going to demolish Alchemiracles.

“Ma'am? If I may speak freely?” her recently hired assistant asked.

“Go ahead. I'm in a good mood. Soon, my storefront will have the most picturesque view in all of Rainbow Falls! Just as soon as that stupid eyesore of a potion shop is out of the way. That fool unicorn won't know what hit him!”

“If you wanted the shop demolished, you could have just waited. It gets wrecked pretty often. Also, I'd recommend standing back from those lines painted on the street.” The assistant gestured to a series of lines drawn on the cobblestone path in enchanted chalk, each further away from the shop than the last and each bearing a date written next to it.

“There is a difference between a minor repair and having the entire building demolished by controlled explosives, dear.” Emerald turned to address her shady wrecking crew. “Now then, once that unicorn and his assistant are evicted thanks to these papers, I want that place gone. Are we clear?”

“YES, MA'AM!” They all replied in unison.

“Good, then let's get started on-”

CRUNCH

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOF!"

A giant, hairy leg demolished the storefront of Alchemiracles, tossing two ponies skyward. One crashed into Emerald, clearly enjoying himself. The other landed a bit further off, groaning in pain.

“That was so much fun! Juniper, did you enjoy that too? OH SWEET CELESTIA, JUNIPER!” Arca hopped off of Emerald and rushed over to his injured apprentice. “Don't move! Don't move, I got this!” He reached into his lab coat and pulled out some chalk, drawing a line in front of Juniper and writing the date. “It's a new record! Okay, you can move now.”

“Great bedside manner, Boss…” Juniper weakly replied.

By this point, the shady demolition crew had fled in terror, but Emerald's assistant just munched on an apple, having lived in Rainbow Falls for years now. Emerald herself, however, was more focused on the three-story spider climbing out of the ruined store. “Somepony save us all! We're doomed!” Emerald cried out in terror.

What happened next would be impossible to perceive without serious training. In an instant, Arca sprang into an offensive stance, and loosed a dozen massive laser blasts from his horn at the monstrous arachnid. Each one would require enough mana to exhaust an average caster, but all twelve connected with the spider and bored massive holes through it. To the untrained eye, though, all everypony saw was a blinding flash of orange light, and when sight returned the giant spider looked like swiss cheese and was toppling over into the backyard. Another flash and Arca had warped his shop away, replacing it with the spare that he had built by the construction yard for when his store gets destroyed. He made a mental note to have a new spare constructed. Horn smoking from the immense magical energy that had been forced through it, Arca wasn't even fazed. He only had one thing to say.

“NOTHING messes with my store.”

Emerald Essence decided to put her plans of relocating the potion shop on hold, and decided that then was as good a time as any to faint.

Author's Note

"How much EXP do I get? And look at the size of that thing, how many ingredients can I make from that?"

For the record, the 'Arca Limit' is defined as 1.5 times X, where X is defined as 'The furthest Arcane and/or Juniper have been launched from the shop'. It is currently 360 feet, or about 110 meters. That's an entire football field!

Corporate Image

“Why.”

“Because we need to bring in more customers, Juniper! You never know when somepony is thinking about needing a potion and doesn't know where to find an alchemist!”

“We are the only alchemy shop in town. Again, why?”

“I saw an ad at the dentist and thought we could use one. Now stop whining. I have just the thing to finish this up in my ‘rejected recipes that I might need later’ book.”

“Boss, we don't need a mascot! Where did you even get an Erlynmare flask this size?”

Arca turned around to face her as he began brewing a large potion from the dreaded book of rejects. “Says you, and I think I got it at a yard sale. Now, hush. I need to finish this potion breathing potion so that you don't suffocate in there.”

True to his word, being submerged in a potion that lets you breathe in other potions did prevent Juniper from drowning. Unfortunately, this also meant that Arca's plan would continue.

“Now then, that's perfect! It fits you perfectly. Now, just let me put the finishing touches on… and THERE!” He smiled happily. “It's perfect! Now, go get us some customers, Bubbles the Pushy Potion!” With that, he trotted inside, trying to close the door, leaving Juniper stuck on the porch, partially in the doorframe.

Juniper sighed in her impromptu prison. Yes, some stores had mascots. Yes, some potion stores had smiling potions as mascots. But what Arca failed to realize was that they weren't real potions, just costumes. Instead, here she was wearing a massive novelty chemistry flask with legs, filled with potion breathing potion, and two giant adhesive googly eyes obscuring her vision. And thanks to the sheer weight of the potion around her, she couldn't even move, blocking the door to the shop.

And so, as luck would have it, Mayor Silver happened to need a prescription filled that day, and Juniper saw him trotting up the long, lonely path that separated the shop from the rest of the market. Once he reached the porch though, he took one look at the obstruction blocking his path and sighed. “Good morning, Juniper. Arca having one of his crazy marketing ideas again?”

Juniper nodded and tried to reply, but the potion surrounding her prevented her from talking. Thankfully, the motion sensor/recording crystal embedded in the giant flask kicked in for her.

Arca's voice rang out from the crystal, although he was clearly trying to imitate the high-pitched voice of a cheery mascot. It sounded terrible. “Hi there, sir or ma'am or other! I'm Bubbles, the Pushy Potion! Buy some potions!” Juniper, hearing this, clonked her head against the glass with a look of both annoyance and disappointment on her face.

“Alright, take two. Hi colts and fillies! I'm Bubbles, the pu- hey, that's odd. It says here the recording is almost full. Wasn't this thing supposed to hold four hours worth? Huh. JUNIPER! YOU BOUGHT THE WRONG RECORDING CRYSTAL!” Juniper clonked her head on the glass again.

“Oh, dear. Yup, that looks like Arca's work. I suppose I'll just pick up my prescription tomorrow instead.” Juniper gave Silver a pleading expression as he turned to leave. “Look, I don't want to set whatever motion sensor he has attached to that off again any more than you do. See you tomorrow, Miss Berry.”

As he left, juniper sighed, trying to get herself unstuck from the door frame again. Unfortunately, that set off the motion sensor crystal.

“Well, Juniper certainly outdid herself finding this recording crystal doodad. I wonder how you get it to start recording. Oh! It's glowing. That must mean it's charging for later. Guess I'll do my laundry now. I should have a good three hours before I'm needed at the store to get all these lab coats clean!” Sounds emitted from the crystal that sounded like somepony moving fabrics around, followed by running water. And then, something nopony liked to hear. Arca, singing outside his normal vocal range.

“Winter WRAP up, win-win-win-winTER wrrrrap up, da, da da DA BOP BOP BIP!”

Juniper's constant clonking noises didn't really improve the percussion section of the ‘music’, as she quickly found out, but it did distract her. Hours later, Arca would question why business was so slow that day.

Author's Note

"To be fair, Arca is a great singer, as long as he stays within the range of the average tenor." -Juniper

Poor Juniper. I hope Arca quits the show tunes and starts napping on that recording instead. Pity he is known for taking long showers...

Forbidden Fruit

“Alright, Juniper, I'll see you tomorrow! We have plenty of potions to restock, so the lab will be pretty busy!” The orange pony readjusted his lab coat as Juniper put the broom away. “And don't worry about counting the bits today, you've earned some relaxation! I'll take care of it.”

Juniper turned around, causing her light purple mane to obscure her vision for a few seconds. “Are you serious, Boss? What are you up to?”

“Nothing! I swear.”

“Boss. Which of your new potions are you testing?” She deadpanned. “We both know you don't just let me leave early like this.”

Arca threw up his hooves in exasperation. “Must you always question my acts of kindness? For buck's sake, Juniper! I'm trying to be nice here!”

“Promise me you aren't testing one of your potions, and I'll be out of here. Deal, Boss?”

Arca sighed, then raised his hoof. “I, Arcane Catalyst, solemnly swear that I am not sending Juniper Berry home early in order to test any potions of my own creation today.” Lowering his hoof, he leaned against the counter and opened the bit drawer to start counting. “There. Happy?”

Juniper took a step back, stunned. “Actually, since you can't lie to save your life, yeah. Thanks, Boss. Sorry I doubted you.”

“No problem, Juniper. Now get outta here, it's a beautiful day and I'm sure your wings are itching to go fly… or whatever it is you pegasi girls do.” Juniper smiled, packing up while her mentor counted the bits earned that day. She flew off into the sky, silently thanking her mentor for being as generous as he was.

To his credit, Arca waited a good ten minutes before checking to make sure nopony else was in the shop. With no other souls present, he reached down and opened a secret compartment under the counter not many knew about, and withdrew a small covered cup. Lifting the lid and dispelling the preservation charm, he found himself gazing at a cup of hot liquid.

“Yes, I'm not testing my own potions. But nopony told me the doughnut store made potions too! Let's see just what this ‘ex-press-oh’ potion does!” With no hesitation, he downed the cup's contents in one go, and waited.

And waited…

And waited.

“Wow, this thing does NOTHING!” He cried out. “Stupid, useless piece of junk!” He tossed the paper cup behind him angrily. “Should've known better…” He turned to leave the counter and go brew some potions in his lab, but when he turned he got a faceful of the paper cup still floating in the air.

“Wait, what?” He poked at the offending beverage holder, but it seemed that it wasn't moving unless he moved it. Reaching over, he picked up the nearby jug of water Juniper kept to stay hydrated and tried to pour it out. It didn't work, but as he moved it around the water stayed floating in the air.

So naturally he used it to doodle a smiley face.

Looking out the window, he saw ponies milling about the market in the distance, none moving. A few pegasi were stopped mid-flight.

“I take it back, this is gonna be fun to test…”

Juniper trotted along the market street with a spring in her step, hoping to get some shopping done early so she could make something complex for dinner. It was a beautiful sunny day, and with all the free time she now had there was nothing that could go wrong!

Then everything went wrong.

In the time it took her to blink, everything changed at the same time. The fountain’s water exploded outward in a meticulously designed pattern. The stone pathways suddenly had doodles and alchemical formulas appear on them in chalk. Shops all had their doors swung open, and several had merchandise vanish and the equivalent amount of bits appear on their counters. Juniper's shopping list had disappeared, replaced by a bag full of everything she planned to buy with ‘#1 best apprentice’ scrawled on it in marker.

And looking to her left, Arca was passed out facedown in the flowerbed outside the doughnut shop, next to an empty box of the confections. He was snoring softly into the dirt.

Juniper warily walked over to her mentor, noticing a list in his hoof labeled ‘~~ex-press-oh~~ ~~expresso~~ good shit test ~~one~~ ~~two~~ twelve’, followed by observations written in Arca's notoriously sloppy hoofwriting.

The mare sighed, motioning for other ponies to just leave the stallion be for now. “Boss, I'm cutting you off.”

Author's Note

"Hey Juniper. What's this '5 hour energy' thing I found near your lunch?"

"Give that back now, Boss."

Home for the Holidays

Razz Berry and his wife Blue Berry were just putting the finishing touches on Hearth's Warming dinner when they heard a knock at the door.

“Dew, Cloud, could you get the door?” Blue called to her twin foals. The two pegasi gave cries of agreement before racing each other to the front to the house. They opened the door to let in their visitor, and gasped.

“BIG SISTER! YOU CAME HOME!”

The small foals, only six years old, shot out the door like rockets and tackled their elder sibling. Juniper smiled, engulfing the pair in a big two-winged hug that could only be described as adorable.

“Juniper!” Her mother came trotting over from the kitchen, welcoming her firstborn in the door and joining the hug. “I haven't seen you in months! How are things up north in Rainbow Falls? And not to sound rude, but didn't you write and say you were planning to stay with your mentor over the holidays?”

Juniper shook off her little tagalongs before replying. “Well, yeah, I was planning on it. I wanted to get him a good present for Hearth's warming since I didn't think he was doing anything for the holiday. But, it turns out he has a family member he was going to visit. He closed the whole shop down for a week, and insisted I spend time with my family too. So here I am!”

Razz emerged from the kitchen to welcome his daughter home, allowing his wife to return to the food in case it needed tending to. “Well, that's fantastic. I didn't know the boy even had a family.”

“As far as the town knows, he doesn't. Nopony even knows how old he is! It was quite the shock, but apparently he still has one living relative, and wanted to spend Hearth's Warming with ‘em. How are things here?”

The family of five sat down for dinner, a hearty cornucopia of different fruits, grains, and of course, berries. They were a family of bery farmers, after all, their residence right next to a massive berry field. The warmer climate, as Razz reminded Juniper, meant that they had plenty of crops, and plenty of money coming in.

“Not that I'd expect farming to be something you remember too well, sweetheart,” Her father continued as he took a bite of his meal. “I still remember the day that Arcane fellow came into town, lost and looking for food, and stayed here for a week. You two hit it off so well I wasn't even surprised when he invited you to be his apprentice in alchemy.”

“Yeah. Actually, speaking of Arca, he sent a gift along with me!” Juniper dashed over to her saddlebags and carefully removed a softly-glowing bluish white potion with a snowflake emblazoned on the tag tied to the neck of the bottle. “He said to make absolutely sure not to open it until I got here, and not to open it indoors under ANY circumstances.”

“Oh boy! Mama, can we open it now? Please please please please?” The twins begged in unison.

“Isn’t it a little late for going outside, my little angels? Let's wait until tomorrow.” Blue Berry always appreciated a surprise gift, but it was pretty dark and even with a few magical torches outside to light the paths to the village nearby and their berry fields, it wouldn't be safe to play outside.

“Actually, mom,” Juniper cut in. “Arca said it would be more fun at night. I think he would prefer we do this now.”

“Alright, but no dawdling! Unless you can see out there, I don't want you out in the dark like this! In fact, I'll come with you all.”

Razz chuckled at his wife's actions. “Overprotective as always, love? I might as well join in.” And so, the Berry family trotted outside. Juniper checked the little tag on the bottle for the instructions.

“Well, all it says is ‘open outdoors, do not drink’, so I guess I'll just…” Juniper placed the bottle on the ground in the center of the path from the house, and in a single practiced motion removed the cork with no issue.

As soon as Juniper was clear, the potion shone with a brilliant light and blasted a swirling beam into the sky, exploding into a firework of brilliant blue-white, mysteriously hanging in the warm night air and stubbornly refusing to dissipate. When the ponies looked back at the potion, it was empty.

“WOW! That was so cool! Big sister, tell mister Arca we loved it!” Cheered Cloud Berry. “It was so pretty and sparkly!”

“Well,” Blue began, “I can see why he didn't want us opening it in the house. I have to admit, it… huh?” The matriarch of the house stopped as something landed in her nose. And then another. And more floated down from the sky, each gleaming with a small spark of magic. “Is… is it snowing? That's impossible, it's too warm this far south for snow… and there's not a cloud in the sky!”

“Snow! I've never seen snow before!” Dew berry stuck out her tongue to catch a few flakes on her tongue, watching in awe as the glow above illuminated the snow collecting on the ground. “It's a Hearth's Warming miracle!”

Blue Berry shook her head, mumbling to herself. “But that's impossible…”

Blue felt a wing drape over her back, that of her eldest daughter. “Mom,” Juniper began, “there's a certain pony I know who has a penchant for doing the impossible.” Juniper turned her head to the sky, looking at the shining stars beyond the snow. “Wherever you are, Boss, thanks. And happy Hearth's Warming.”

Not too far away, beyond a nearby hill and out of sight, Arca adjusted his position in his travel tent to get a better look at his crystal ball resting atop his extra lab coats.

“Happy Hearth's Warming to you too, Juniper,” he said to himself. “After all, I look out for my family, biological or otherwise…”

Author's Note

"...and you're all the family I have left."

Fire Floof

Mayor Silver was having a nice day. More specifically, a day where he was having a charity luncheon for the local volunteer fire department at the town’s banquet hall, which had been rented out for the day. The various pegasi who had a talent or at least a skill in utilizing rain clouds to douse raging flames, or talents working with fire were all in attendance and had already received a plaque for exceptional service over the past 120 years they had been in operation. Silver was taking a bite of his honey-glazed roasted apples when his secretary tapped him on the shoulder.

“Sir, I hate to interrupt, but you have an urgent meeting to attend. Right now.”

Silver sighed. “Did we accidentally schedule two important meetings in the same time frame again? I thought our new filing system fixed that.”

“Juniper is outside and needs a word.”

The mayor turned to address the fire marshal. “Well, you heard the mare. I need to be sure this isn't something drastic.” The marshal waved him off without protest. Everypony in town knew that when the normally formal and polite Juniper felt the need to interrupt anything, it was important and usually preceded disaster.

Outside, Juniper was waiting impatiently. As soon as Silver trotted up to her, she began her questioning that bordered on interrogation. “Silver, have you bucking seen the paper today?”

“...yes? Normally I just skip to the comics section and the sports, though, since most news in town runs by me.”

Juniper didn't respond verbally. Instead, she pulled the front page of the morning paper from her saddlebags. In bold font, the front-page headline read clear for all to see:

‘Mane street expects economic
Growth in the coming year’

“So?” Silver questioned. “The economy is looking up. I don't exactly see a reason to to intrude on my luncheon.” Juniper responded by removing part of the paper. It seemed a coupon had been printed on the next page for a sale on carpets. Silver shrugged. “I still don't see your reasoning, miss Berry.” Juniper flipped the coupon over, revealing the cut off part of the headline.

‘Mane
Growth’

“Oh no.”

“Arca saw this two hours ago and hasn't left the lab since. I fear the worst,” Juniper warned. “I thought I'd let you know before anything happens.”

“Hey, Juniper! Hi, Mayor Silver!”

Juniper turned around, startled. “Boss?! What the buck are you doing here? And… why is your mane made of fire?”

“Potion failed again. You can take the day off while I fix the lab, by the way. Oh, hey! Food!” Arca took notice of the charity luncheon's banner, and made to head in. Silver stepped in his way, careful not to get too close to the flames emerging from Arca's head.

“Sorry, Arca. The luncheon is uh, uh… there's a dress code, and lab coats aren't in it? Not even fire-resistant ones?” It was a longshot, but bullshitting usually worked on the loony alchemist more often than not. “And, isn't that painful?” He pointed to the still-burning fire, where the unicorn's fur was starting to singe black.

“Oh, excruciatingly! But I'm hungry, too. Gotta keep your priorities in order! Actually, I nearly forgot why I came over here. Juniper, I forget, is it stop, drop, and roll for a fire, or was it right hoof stomp, left hoof stomp, cha cha real smooth?”

Juniper facehooved. “The first one, boss.”

“Thanks!” Arca immediately dropped to the ground. “Wait, roll. Uh, Juniper, could you or Mayor silver go get me a roll from the food place? I'm not allowed in, apparently.”

Silver sighed again, feeling a migraine forming in the back of his head. “Just douse yourself in water, Arca.”

“Oh! That's an even better idea!” A bright flash emanated from Arca's horn, and he teleported away. A similar flash could be seen from inside the banquet hall.

“Hey, can I use your bathroom?”
“AIEEE! FIRE! FIRE! EVERYPONY RUN!”
“I just need to find the ba- hey, cookies!”
“Everypony stand back, we have an extinguisher!”
*Fwoosh*
“Hey, I was eating that!”
“It didn't go out! Arca protocol, everypony evacuate!”
“Does that mean I can have some food? Do you folks have rolls? Hey, quit running, that's not nice!”
“I'm outta here, this town's crazy!”
“HEY JUNIPER, COME IN HERE AND HELP ME FIND A SINK!”

Juniper and Silver had to jump to the side to avoid the stampede of ponies evacuating the banquet hall. Even the fire brigade was flying out, rushing toward the fire station to gather their equipment.

“Nevermind! The potion just wore off, everything is under control! Anypony? Hello? ...Does this mean I can eat lunch here?”

Silver just shook his head in disappointment. “Ugh. Looks like the luncheon is canceled. Good thing too, because I need a bucking drink. Or ten.”

A single head poked out of a window. “Want some potions to drink, Mayor Silver?”

“No, Arca. Just go eat.”

“Yay! Free food!”

Author's Note

“I don't know why they were concerned. It was magical fire, and was only burning me. It wasn't affecting anything else!”

“Look, Boss. I know that, and you know that… but it's still fire. I have to admit, though, this food is pretty good. Pass me another roll."

Student, Master, and Legend

“You know, Boss, when you teleported onto my kitchen table this morning shouting ‘FIELD TRIP!’, I expected we were going hiking up the falls for miracle petals, or to Crater Lake for jicama root. Not… this,” She gestured to the area she was hovering above. “You HATE mud!”

Slogging barrel-deep in the muck, Arca turned and smiled at his apprentice. “Juniper, when have I ever done anything without a reason?”

“Last week you caused a landslide outside of town ‘because it was cool’.”

“Hey, those boulders were practically begging to get shoved! And don't worry, I know plenty of cleaning spells to make me and my lab coat presentable.”

Juniper stopped for a moment, hovering in the air. “Presentable? For what, do we have a double date or something?”

“Oh, Juniper. Never change. No, we are not going on a double date. We are, however, meeting somepony. Didn't you check the map? Or have you forgotten which famous pony lives in Hayseed Swamp?”

“Wait, seriously?!” The pegasus shared wide-eyed at her mentor in realization. “We're going to meet THE Mage Meadowbrook? Pillar of Equestria, master healer?” Juniper's demeanor changed quickly into fangirl mode as she smiled, her grin growing progressively larger. “Blue coat, auburn mane? There's a signed first edition copy of her recipe book in the town library you need special permission to even touch? THAT Mage Meadowbrook?”

“The same. I was hoping we could compare notes on brewing techniques, and maybe-”

“EEEEEEEE!” Juniper squealed with pure joy as she began flying in circles around her boss. “And you brought me along? Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!”

Arca chuckled, tracking his apprentice’s movements. “Anything for my number one apprentice. Besides, I can't expect you to become a world-class alchemist if all I have you do is sit on the sidelines! Look, you can see her treehouse in the dist-”

*shoom*

“-ance. And, she's gone. I guess I'll just walk the rest of the way. Or would swimming be faster? Eh, whatever.”

Meadowbrook, or Meadow as she preferred to be called, was busy explaining to customers about the various remedies she had to offer when a very excited pegasus entered the shop. Great, another overexcited historian, she thought to herself. Ever since she and the rest of the Pillars of Old Equestria had returned from limbo, historians from all over had been coming and going to hear their perspectives on both modern times and events from their era.

Deciding it would be better head this off before too much of a commotion ensued, she motioned for the pony to wait a minute and finished her explanation before trotting over. “Hey there, sweetie, can I help you?” she inquired. “You seem a little… eager.”

Juniper Berry, firstborn of her siblings, had been through a lot of fiascos and shenanigans. Far more that the average pony, possibly even more than those mares she kept reading about in the paper. But nothing prepared her to meet the pony she idolized, the one she had only hoped of meeting in her wildest dreams, the one whose selflessness drove her to study alchemy. So she began hyperventilating as soon as Meadowbrook offered her a hoof to shake.

“Oh, dear. A big fan, I take it? Calm down, deep breaths.” Juniper's breathing slowed down slightly, but not yet to a manageable level. “Calm down. There's nothing to worry about, and I'm a very calm, patient pony, so nothing you could say or do is likely to upset me. Just say whatever comes to mind.”

“I-I… y-you… hi?”

“Hello, dearie,” Meadow replied, offering a warm, motherly smile. “And what might your name be?”

The light green pegasus barely managed to stammer out a response. “J-Juniper. Juniper Berry. I'm a junior alchemist, and I'm a huge fan, M-Mage Meadowbrook.”

“See? Was that difficult, sweetie? This place is a tranquil place, where relaxation and peace are key, and cooler heads prevail…”

Suddenly, a loud FOOM noise was heard as smoke erupted from the cauldron where an herbal remedy had been brewing. Meadowbrook’s attitude did an immediate 180, angrily turning and shouting towards the the slowly dissipating cloud.

“ARCANE CATALYST! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO- wait, force of habit...” She let her head droop, as though remembering somepony from long ago, tears glistening in the corners of her eyes.

“Whoops. Guess adding thunderthistle to the mix wasn't such a good idea.”

Meadowbrook's ears sprung to attention. “Wait. There's no way…”

“Hey, Boss.”

“Arca?”

“I'm home.”

“ARCA!”

Author's Note

"I'm finally home... and I'm not letting go of you again."

I'M NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING

Juniper, Arca, and Meadow

“Uh, Boss, I missed you too, but can you let go? You've been hugging me for three minutes,” Arca pleaded, held tight in Mage Meadowbrook's earth pony grasp.

“Nuh-uh.”

“When are you gonna let me go?”

“Never.” Meadowbrook tightened her grip slightly, holding onto Arca as though he'd vanish if she let go.

“Boss, ponies are staring…”

“I don't care,” she firmly replied, resting her head on her captive's withers. “I don't care if Celestia herself comes in here, I'm not letting go. I missed you, Arca.”

“Me too, Boss. Me too.” Arca then turned his attention to his own apprentice. “Hey Juniper, can you knock something over? Loud and shattery, if possible. My hind legs are falling asleep and she probably won't move otherwise.”

Hearing this, Meadowbrook finally relented, freeing Arca so that he could stretch his legs a bit. She still bore a look of shock and bewilderment on her face, trying to process the whole ordeal. “It really is you. How? You… you should be long gone! I'm not dreaming, am I?”

“I dunno, hang on.” The unicorn clenched his eyes shut and appeared to be exerting a lot of focus, then opened them and looked around. “Aw, ponyfeathers. No giant ice cream. Guess you aren't dreaming.”

Meadow brought a hoof to her forehead, sighing. “Yup, it's you alright, Arcane. No doubt about it.” she glanced at the few remaining customers in the shop, most having left after Arca had caused the in-progress potion to erupt into smoke. “You all best get going. I'm closing the shop early for this! Come back tomorrow or somethin’!” They obeyed, all of them exiting the tree-house but one. “Well? What are ya waitin’ for?”

“Actually, Boss, allow me to introduce Juniper Berry, my apprentice.” Arca stepped up to his pegasus companion and draped a hoof over her. “I brought her along because I consider my apprentices family like you do, and as you always say…”

Meadow closed her eyes in contemplation. “Ah, yes. ‘Family is always welcome here.’ Dearie, I'm so sorry. I thought you were just some historian or reporter,” she continued, approaching Juniper calmly. “But if Arca calls ya family, then you're stuck with me, too. Welcome to your home away from home, dear.”

Juniper only managed to stammer out a “F-for real?” before starting to lose her composure again.

“Of course! But I won't have you shaking like a leaf in here. Come on upstairs to my home above the shop, we can talk more over tea and snickerdoodles.”

That got Arca's eyes to light up. “FOR REALSIES?!”

“Yes, ‘for realsies’. Now move your flanks upstairs before I carry you up myself!”

Arca shot up the stairs like a rocket with practiced ease that implied he'd done it before dozens, if not hundreds of times. “Yes, ma'am, Boss, ma'am!”

“Oh, that colt. Such a hoofful, even now. Come on dear, I don't trust him with the cooking equipment, and if you know him then neither do you.” Gently taking Juniper's hoof in her own, she guided the star struck mare up the stairs.

Meadowbrook's living quarters were warm and inviting, aside from Arca already rummaging through the pantry and emerging with a mouthful of daisies and an apple in his magic. He took a moment to chew and swallow before speaking.

“Oh, hey guys. Didn't think you'd get up here so fast. I guess you both have a lot of questions, huh?” he glanced at the closet, levitating out a few ingredients for his favorite snack. “Boss, why don't you start the cookies while I give Juniper a little background? She doesn't really know anything about what happened here.”

Meadow nodded, gathering up the ingredients. Arca gestured to the table for Juniper to sit down, and levitated over a modest selection of teas, plucking a chamomile tea bag for himself.

“Uh, Bo-”

“While we're here, Juniper, Meadowbrook's the boss. Besides, I told you you don't have to call me that anyway.”

“Fine. Arca, how even… I knew you were a few centuries old, but not this old!”

Arca chuckled, allowing it to grow into a hearty laugh before continuing. “Juniper, you know I lost count after 500! But, I don't think you want me to guess my age. What I'm about to tell you is something most ponies never knew. I suppose I should start at the beginning…”

Everypony in the alchemy business, and many beyond, know of Meadowbrook's famous skills. Her most notable feat, though, was undoubtedly during the horrid swamp fever epidemic that hit Hayseed Swamp's village long ago. That, was a day to remember. That was the day I met my Boss.

An orange unicorn colt, no older than ten, slogged through the swamp water alone and afraid. Branches were growing out of his back, sap was oozing from a cut on his midsection, and flowers were growing in his mane.

Have you ever had swamp fever? Don't, if you ever get the option. My family didn't notice I'd caught it until it was in it's late stages, since my orange fur made the orange spots that indicate the early stages nearly invisible. It was only once I started turning into a tree that they noticed, and they decided the best option at the time was to flee the village and never come back. I decided to run as far as I could before taking root to try and keep others from getting infected.

“Oh, oh my goodness! What's a poor colt like you doing out here by yourself, and still sick? Don't worry, I'm here to help!” A blue earth pony came galloping towards the foal, potions in hoof to lend aid.

“Stay away, please… I don't want you getting sick, too… Mama said there's no cure...” He managed to croak out, coughing out some leaves in the process.

“Dearie, I've found a cure for that nasty illness! Here, drink this. You're lucky I found you out here while I was foraging, I thought I had cured everypony!” She offered a potion to the colt, and he reluctantly drank. “I'm Meadowbrook. What's your name, little one?”

“Arcane… Arcane Catalyst.” That was all he managed before passing out.

Meadowbrook took me back here, her home, and laid me up in the guest room to recover. I was further along than most, so it was a good month before I was fit to go outside, but my parents had ran off to avoid the sickness and left me thinking there was no cure. And communication wasn't like it is these days, so tracking them was out of the question. With no other options…

“Arca?”

“Yes, Miss Meadowbrook?”

“How would you like to learn how to make potions with me? To help others, and make sure nopony has to go through what you did again?”

...I became her apprentice. I started calling her Boss not soon after. Since then I've dedicated my life to making potions to help others succeed in life, as my way of paying back a debt I can never truly repay. One day, though, things changed. It was nearly five years after I had been left with Meadowbrook, and she had already saved the world with the other Pillars of Equestria once.

“Boss, why are you giving me your potion book? Do you need me to copy it again?”

Meadow couldn't bring herself to look at the young stallion she considered her adoptive son. How could she? She had just received word of Starswirl's plan to imprison the Pony of Shadows, and the dire cost it would require: sealing herself and her fellow pillars in limbo for all eternity.

“No, Arca. I just need to head out for a little while. I think you're skilled enough to run the shop on your own now, so I'm giving you this to do it while I'm gone. If the place is still standing in a month, consider yourself graduated from apprentice.”

Arca's eyes lit up. “Really? Wow, I won't let you down, Boss! I promise, this place will stay for a thousand years or more! Don't you worry!”

“Do me a favor, though, Arca. I have to do something I'm not proud to do this time. Can you forgive me for leaving you alone?”

“Of course, Boss! I'll see you later!”

“Goodbye, Arca. I love you.”

I never saw her again after that, until today. It took me a few days to realize she had said ‘goodbye’ instead of ‘see you later’, I shrugged it off, and kept the shop running. I waited days, then weeks, then months. I guess I had to wait longer than that, huh? But, before I keep going, let's wait until my old Boss finishes putting those cookies in the oven. I'd bet my lab coat she wants to hear what happened next as much as you do.

Author's Note

"Oh, so I'm the old one here? Last I checked I've been frozen in time for a thousand years. How old are YOU, Arca?"

"Technically I'm legally 30 forever. Saves a lot of paperwork for Celestia, but it does mean I miss all the senior discounts."

How I met your princess

“So Mage Meadowbrook, my idol, is pretty much your mom.”

“Eh, it's less official and more of a metaphor. But there aren't many ponies I'd trust more than her.”

“And I love him just as much as one of my own,” Meadowbrook interjected, trotting over with a batter-covered spoon and gently nuzzling Arca. “Here, Arca. Cookies are baking, no point wasting batter.”

“Woohoo!” The stallion wasted no time grasping the utensil and licking the sugary substance off of it. “All this time and it's just like I remember it. Oh, I almost forgot!” Arca dug through his saddlebags, removing a thick tome that appeared to be written recently. “I had to donate your original notebook to the Rainbow Falls library after one too many explosions. But I am allowed to copy it by hoof at any time, so I made you a copy! I know it's not the same, but I want you to have it.”

“My… my notebook is still around?” Meadow sat down next to Juniper and across from Arca, flipping through the book. “And this one is far neater than my hastily written notes. Thank you, Arca.”

“Yeah, I tried to get the original back, but Mayor Silver said, “You may be older than me, but you are certainly not careful! She would have to come get it herself… and I'm not sure the Equestrian historical society would approve! And only take ONE lollipop from the front desk on your way out this time!” Jerk.”

“Right, of course he did,” Juniper let out a sigh.

“Sounds like what I had to put up with, dearie. Remind me to tell you about him when he was little. Regardless, I never did apologize for leaving for so long… I hope you can forgive me, Arca.”

“Oh, I forgave you centuries ago, Boss. You had to do it to protect everypony.” The stallion reached across the table and enveloped Meadowbrook in a hug.

“Thank you, Arca. That's a load off my mind. But now that little Juniper here,” she gestured to the pegasus, whose heart skipped a beat hearing her idol call her by name, “is all caught up, what happened after I left? Why are you still around?”

Juniper tilted her head to the side, curious. “Does it have something to do with the-”

“We do NOT talk about The Duck, Juniper! It's a national secret and Celestia hasn't declassified it yet!” Arca took a moment to recollect himself, taking a deep breath. “...Sorry. I just don't want to think about my arch-nemesis in this place. Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes…”

Believe it or not, a few months after you disappeared, Boss, the swamp and its village hit hard times. There was some kinda argument with the pegasi tribe settling nearby, something about territory if I recall. Anyway, they went from providing rain as normal to alternating between torrential downpours and droughts. The town was either flooded or rationing clean water, and Celestia came to help after a pretty bad flood washed some houses away. Thankfully this old tree has seen worse, so I had ponies sleeping on the floor at all hours. The day I met her was honestly the first step.

She was shocked to learn about everything, as the pegasi had complained about squatters, but we set the record straight. Tribalist jerks. Thankfully those rivalries have faded, but I digress. Celestia told me that you wouldn't be coming back, and why… and all that did was make me double down. But, with no food, we had to move to Canterlot, which was under construction at the time. I wonder if the high-and-mighty Canterlot elite know they are partially descended from swamp dwelling earth ponies? Regardless…

Celestia sat on the cliff overlooking the Everfree forest, where her old castle stood before Luna destroyed a good portion of it. It had only been half a year since then, but she still cried herself to sleep every other night about what she had done.

“Princess-Boss? If I may have a moment?”

Celestia didn't even need to turn to know who that was. Nine years (excluding the unknown amount of time in Discord's reign) had passed since they met and he still insisted on calling her that. “Arcane, please, Celestia is fine. You deserve the honor after saving the denizens of Hayseed Swamp from starvation and flooding. What can I do for you?”

“I… I think I may have a way to save your sister. And Meadowbrook too. But it's only theoretical at the moment…”

Celestia whipped her head around at the eccentric unicorn. He was out of his lab coat as he never wore it around town, and that wasn't often given his odd, almost paradoxical nature.

After all, at 25 years old, and bearing exceptional skills in potions, healing, magic, crisis management, and more, why was he still without a cutie mark?

Still, this had serious potential. Her top mages had flung potential solutions around, but most didn't want ‘Nightmare Moon’ back. But if Arca was giving a suggestion… well, he never did that without the logic and research to back it up. “Save Luna? You think you can actually do that, Arcane? How? Please, tell me!”

The orange pony shuffled on his hooves, his royal purple mane shifting in the breeze. “Well, it started as a way to save Meadow, but I think I can try to save Princess Luna, too! Have you ever heard the legend of the philosopher's stone?”

Celestia paused. It wasn't like Arca to chase myths and legends, but he had been growing more and more desperate in his attempts to get Meadowbrook out of limbo without freeing the Pony of Shadows. “Yes, I have. A mythical stone that can act as a substitute for any alchemical ingredient, create a tonic that can cure any illness, and even turn lead into gold. But why are you considering such a fable?”

Arca steeled himself for what would come next. He had been looking into the potential for this for roughly six years now, but kept hitting brick walls due to the fact that most of the books he needed were locked in Celestia's private archives, with good reason. He had his doubts that Celestia would agree, but he had to try. “Well, Princess-Boss, I think that if I knew how to make a potion to cure the world's ills, I could alter it juuust slightly and make it purge corruption from somepony instead! With it, we could not only return Luna to her old self, but maybe the Pony of Shadows, too, and with him gone Meadowbrook wouldn't need to stay in limbo and could come home!”

Celestia blinked once, twice, three times. It was a stupidly simple, yet impossibly complex plan. Arca would be the pony come up with it, though. “So you want to make the legendary Grand Panacea, and use it to make a potion to cure my sister and Stygian of corruption? Arcane, while I have no doubt you of all ponies could alter a potion of such power, we would require a Philosopher's Stone, first.”

“Exactly! That's why I need your help!”

Author's Note

Before anyone starts, no, I was not aware of the philosopher's stone's reputation in Full-metal Alchemist, as I hadn't watched it. (I spend my off time more on games than anime)
Some emergency research at Twilight-speeds through the wikipedia of the show has led to me creating what I believe to be an effective compromise, as the process was planned to merely involve a lot of magical energy instead of, well, souls.

The things I do for you guys... I did a lot of history research into something I may never watch. Seems interesting, though. I might give it a look when I have time.

One Powerful Pebble

“And how, exactly, am I supposed to assist in this ritual?”

In the crystal caverns beneath the growing city of Canterlot, Princess Celestia sat on a moderately uncomfortable rock while Arcane Catalyst drew increasingly complex runes onto the floor of the cave, in a circle around a deep indent not unlike a cauldron. It was even filled with water. He stopped his setup and carefully moved to Celestia, careful not to step on any lines. It had been five long years since Arca had proposed his plan, and finally he was ready.

“Well, Princess-boss, I have gone through several texts, including those ‘forbidden’ ones you managed to get me, and according to my working theory, creating a philosopher's stone is incredibly simple. ‘But why doesn't everypony have one?’ you may ask. Good question! See, creating it is easy. It's STABILIZING the stone where the issue lies. See, when the stone is used, it uses up some of its energy. But that power also holds it together. Without the power to stabilize it, all you have is a massive explosive capable of leveling a building, and…”

“Is that what happened to your little lab a few months ago?”

“Yes, actually! It was very informative even though I was in the hospital for a few weeks. I'd gladly do it over again. Anyway, from some of the more… dark texts you have given me in your desperation to get your sister back… Oh! Sorry, I didn't mean to sound insulting or something.”

Celestia laid a hoof Arca's withers sympathetically. “I understand what you meant, Arcane. Trust me, I will admit I want my sister back, but make no mistake: I let you read those books because I trust you to find a safe and reliable answer.”

“Well, have I got the answer for you!” he beamed. “As I was saying, most dark magic texts imply that the only thing strong enough to hold the stone together is soul energy, but I don't think they are right. It says older ponies’ souls always have less power remaining than younger souls. Thus, I theorize that it is not the souls themselves, but their time! Their lifespan! The more years you have left in you, the more time-power! It might also explain why most ghosts in local legends didn't pass away of old age, as anypony that dies of old age has likely used up all that energy living their lives!” Arca paused, catching his breath from his impromptu lecture.

“Oh, I get it. You need me to be the life force, right?” Celestia inquired. Arca nodded, still resting. “That makes sense. Since Alicorns are immortal due to our innate connection with the force of harmony, I should be able to share some of that time-power without dying, since infinity minus anything is still infinity!” That got Arca to applaud by stomping his hooves excitedly into the stone beneath him.

“Yes, yes! Exactly! You can stabilize the stone all by yourself, and it won't even hurt you! Well, beyond the blood sacrifice…”

“Wait, did you say-” Celestia didn't get to finish her sentence as she felt her barrel become very wet. Looking down revealed that Arca was just levitating water into it.

“Kidding! Only kidding. There's no blood sacrifice or anything. Well there is, but I already did that and BOY am I dizzy from blood loss!”

“Dare I ask?” the princess inquired.

“Fifty gallons over the course of five years, all under stasis spells in those buckets over there.”

“Arcane… You could have asked, and I would have helped you or set up a blood drive, or something. You're starting to sound a little crazy.”

“Eh, you need to be crazy to stay sane some days. Besides, I didn't want to drain the treasury gathering all the materials. Blood was the least of my concerns; I needed hydra scales, energy crystals, the core of a timberwolf…”

“I don't recall ever getting you those, Arcane.”

“I hired mercenaries to help me get them. And you wouldn't remember hiring mercenaries either, since I did it myself. My potion shop's doing pretty well, so I figured I'd take the load off your withers. Now come on! I don't want three hundred thousand bits worth of planning to go to waste! Give me a shaving of your horn, a primary feather of your wing, and some hoof clippings! The power of the three pony tribes should allow you to form a connection with the stone and channel your time energy to it.”

Celestia hoofed over the three requested ingredients, and Arca finished up the runes before beginning the ritual. Pouring in the ingredients, he began mixing the brew while channeling magic and chanting words of a forgotten tongue. Before long, Celestia noticed the red blood in the water was appearing to condense into a single area. The middle of the pool. As Arca continued, she noticed the form of a small pebble amidst the red, no larger than a strawberry. She grasped at it with her magic, and found a metaphorical hoofhold with ease. “I have a grasp on the stone, what do I do now?”

“Wait, you weren't supposed to grab it that early, Princess-boss! Let go before-”

Celestia let out a scream of agony as she felt a force RIP at something inside her. It was pulling… something, out of her, but she couldn't identify what! It was the most pain she'd known in her life, and could only hear a few words from Arcane as if he were miles away.

“--------oss! ---'t pan---! -'l- s--p th- --------!”

Arca flew into a panic as soon as he realized what was going on. The stone was trying to rip energy from Celestia's wellspring of immortality to stabilize itself! It was so strong he could SEE the flow of magic from Celestia to the stone. But then it moved, seeming to come from nowhere as the stone drew power from the omnipresent force of harmony istelf! This was bad, absorbing that much energy without a regulator would cause a chain-reaction that could level the entire mountain!

“Princess-boss! Don't panic! I'll stop the reaction!” Arca didn't even think. He did the only thing years of working as an alchemist trained him to do: when all else fails, rely on your instincts.

So naturally he dove into the water, getting in the way of the beam and proceeded to shatter the stone with a well-placed kick.

And then there was an explosion.

Arcane regained consciousness slumped up against the wall of the cave. Celestia was there, too, having been freed from the stone's attempted soul stealing. She was tending to his wounds, thankfully none the worse for wear from the fiasco. “Ow… my head. What… happened?”

“Looks like you made a philosopher's stone… but not the way you intended,” Celestia replied, pointing to the finished product.

“And that is the story of how I got my cutiemark,” Arca finished, lifting the back of his lab coat enough to display the stylized red stone with a spiral pattern emblazoned on his flanks. “I won't bore you with the details, as you'd need a degree in advanced theoretical magic to understand it, but my will to stop the reaction coupled with my desire to only take what I needed of Celestia's infinite life force fused the stone with me and altered the energy flow. I am the philosopher's stone, my talent is alchemy, and I don't age because I too draw power from whatever infinite harmony energy or whatever Celestia and all the other alicorns use to stay ageless. It also caused the tips of my mane to turn orange and yellow, like the sun. She didn't mind… in fact, she asked me to use the extra years I gained to find a safer way to try again! But, she did order me to wear my lab coat in public to hide my new mark so nopony would know I actually succeeded in crafting the stone. She rescinded it after 50 years, but by then it was a habit of mine, so I kept it on.”

Juniper and Meadow took a long minute to process this. Juniper spoke first. “That's… a lot to take in, Arca.”

“I know. Maybe some cookies will help! Are they done yet, are they?”

“You never change, do you Arca?” responded Meadowbrook. “I'll go check on them.”

“Woohoo!”

Author's Note

"As it turns out, the most valuable resource is not magic, or money, or even souls. It is the precious commodity each being only has so much of: time. But what is a payment of your time to an immortal but a drop of water in an infinite ocean?" -Celestia sol Invictus, 327 ANM (After Nightmare Moon)

"Hey Princess-Boss, I ran out of thyme, can I take some from the kitchens?" -Arcane Catalyst, 5 seconds after the previous quote

The Name Game

As Meadowbrook checked the cookies in the oven, the ponies heard a jingling noise from downstairs indicating somepony had entered the shop.

“Oh, dear. Arca, sweetie, will you go see what that pony wants? Preferably without any wanton destruction?”

“You got it, Boss!”

“Hello? Hello? I did not take a two-hour train ride here to be ignored!” The pony paced around the shop looking for somepony to help her, to no avail.

“Just a moment, miss!”

“About time! I need this prescription filled, and make it snappy! I don't want to miss the next train home!” she maneuvered over towards the stairs, ready to give whoever it was a serious chewing out for slacking on the job.

“Okay! Here I come- aw, buuuck!” A loud THUMP was heard, as though something had fallen over, followed by a series of smaller, rapid thumps. Accompanying this was a chorus of “Ow!”s and “Ouch!”s, as a pony came tumbling down the steps and narrowly avoided the customer before crashing into the metal cauldron with a loud CLANG.

“Is this your idea of customer service? I ought to- oh, no.”

“Hiya! I'm Arcane Catalyst, but you can call me Arca! Welcome to Mage Meadowbrook’s potion emporium, how can I help you today?”

Emerald Essence felt her inner anger rising, but tried to keep her cool. “Arcane. Might I ask what you are doing this far from your little eyesore of a shop in Rainbow Falls?”

The stallion smiled innocently. “I'm visiting my family, of course!” He paused, putting a hoof to his chin in thought. “Wait… how did you know I live in Rainbow Falls? Are you a psychic pony or something? That's so cool! What am I thinking of now?” He appeared to concentrate, only for Emerald to stomp her hoof and snap him out of his focusing.

“I am NOT a psychic! Don't you know who I am?”

Arca leaned in, analyzing Emerald in various ways. He stood up and walked a few circles around her, his gaze flicking across all commonly identifiable traits of unique ponies: Cutiemark, mane color and style, height, muzzle and eye shape…

“...Nah. Sorry, I don't think we've met before. What's your name?”

“Are you as stupid as you are destructive?! It's me, Emerald Essence! I run a massive chain of jewelry stores and one's right across from your shop!”

Arca smiled a welcoming grin. “Oh, okay! Nice to meet you, miss Essence!”

“WE'VE MET EACH OTHER AT LEAST SEVEN TIMES!”

“We have? Sorry, I only remember important ponies.”

Emerald tried to sputter out a response, but only managed to babble incoherently for a moment. “I-I'm important! I'm probably richer and more powerful than some two-bit potion seller like you ever will be!”

“Have you ever bought anything from me?”

“No! Why should I-”

“Then you aren't important enough to remember unless you're a national hero. I can remember all my customers, though.”

“Oh, really?” Emerald sneered. “Who was your two thousand, one hundred and fifty-sixth customer?”

“That’s easy! Shimmer Jewel, a crystal earth pony mare who happened by my shop on a diplomatic mission.”

“Who was your first competitor?”

“Oddly enough, my first rival in the business was a potion seller named, ‘Potion Seller’. Pretty accurate name, if I had to judge, but he lost a lot of sales because he kept refusing to sell his strongest potions to adventurers.”

“Who runs the jewelry store named, ‘Emerald Essence’s Treasure Chest’, that's right across from your store in Rainbow Falls?”

“There's a jewelry store near Alchemiracles? Since when?”

Emerald stomped the floor angrily with a hoof.
“RRGH! You bucking imbicile! Let's try it this way. Say, ‘Emerald’,” she began with the tone of a parent trying to teach a foal their first words.

“Emerald.”

“Now say ‘Essence’.”

“Essence.”

“Now put those two words together.”

“Emerald Essence.”

“Good! Now what's my name?”

“I'm pretty sure you said it was Cucumber Valet.”

“AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! That's it, I don't care if I have to take the eight hour train ride to Canterlot, I will find an alchemy shop you don't work at to get my prescriptions filled, because I REFUSE TO BUY FROM YOU!”

“Aw, that's a shame, miss Thesaurus. Do take care, and have a nice day!”

“BUCK YOU!” and she slammed the door on the way out, rattling several vials amidst the nearby shelves.

The silence didn't last long, as Meadowbrook came down the stairs, her soft voice soothing the tension in the air. “Arca? I heard a commotion, who was that?”

“I forget.”

Author's Note

Did you forget this story is comedy?
Because this story is comedy.

Nacho Average Day

Mayor Silver trotted to the train station in the early sunrise. He was going off for his annual summoning before the crown to give his report on how the town was doing both physically and economically. He also also had a separate report, the Arca report. Its contents need no explanation.

Thankfully, it was early morning so there were few ponies waiting for the train. As such, he could rest his aging body on one of the benches, trying to get comfortable. There was a pony wrapped in a blanket next to him, sleeping. Odd, as homelessness was only a thing in Rainbow Falls after Arca had a particularly bad episode. Still, he decided to be a gentlestallion and wake the poor soul up before any guards came by. He poked the sleeping form gently with a hoof. “Hey, I hate to be rude, but you might want to get up before you get in trouble, fella.” After all, Silver thought, it's not like he was waking up a walking disaster magnet. The bundle of fabric shuffled, then a head poked out.

“Good morning, Mayor Silver!”

Scratch that, Silver had just woken up THE disaster magnet.

“Arca. Might I ask why you are sleeping out here… alone… even though you have a fully furnished house? And good morning.” He added that last bit in, but far be it from him or any town native to not be nice to the pony who had seen them grow up and supported them.

“Oh, I have an important delivery coming in on a train.”

“I should have guessed that one, honestly. Want to read the paper with me? Might help pass the time.”

Arca made motions to respond, but the distant whistle of a train made his ears perk up. Silver, on the other hoof, simply looked confused as the train pulled into the station. “Odd. The trains don't usually run this early… I'm on the first one and it's not due in for another half hour.” A pony emerged from the the only passenger car on the freight train, with six boxcars trailing behind it. Perhaps, Silver thought, this stallion would explain things.

“Delivery for Arcane Catalyst! Four train cars of cheddar cheese and two train cars of tortilla chips!”

Of course it is. Silver sighed. “Well, I suppose I'll need to update the Arca report on the ride to Canterlot. Why did you even get that much cheese for? Please don't tell me you're ‘upgrading’ your sofa fort.”

Arcane finished signing for the delivery and teleported the contents of the boxcars away in a flash of light. “Okay first off, it's a COUCH fort. Second, edibles aren't a good building material, at least for the support beams I need to add. No, this is just stuff to make nachos.”

“You need six train cars’ worth of supplies to make a snack?”

“I REALLY like nachos.”

Silver sat back down, and held the newspaper to his face so he couldn't see anything. “I'm getting in the next train to Canterlot, Arca. Whatever you're planning, have it cleaned up by the time I get back Monday.”

“Yes, sir!”

Juniper woke up from a fantastic dream about a world made of food. It was a great dream, and it made her ready to start the day, so she got herself breakfast and sat down to eat. She sniffed the bowl of warm oatmeal, allowing the strong scent of cheese to overtake her.

“Wait, cheese?”

Sure enough, all she could smell was cheese. It blocked out every other scent in her house, and that meant that there was a LOT of cheese nearby. And whenever there was a ridiculous amount of something, there was usually one recurring culprit. So, deciding to forgo her morning meal for the time being, she flew out the front door and took to the skies, once more playing ‘spot the difference in town’. She quickly noticed the situation, and flew down to investigate. “Boss! Boss!”

“Oh, good morning Juniper!” Arca smiled at his apprentice, bouncing eagerly on the high dive of the public pool. “Did you come to swim, too?”

“Boss, why is the pool filled with molten cheese and chips!?”

“Well, you know how that pony who was giving motivational speeches last week said to follow your dreams? I dreamed about this, and it's awesome! A whole pool full of nachos!”

“Boss, this could be dangerous!”

“Danger schmanger! I only have one thing to say to that Juniper!” Arca bounced a bit higher on the diving board, ready to leap.

“And that would be…?”

“MUCHOS NACHOS, MUCHACHOS!”

And with that, he dove in, making a bloop noise as he entered the mixture. There was around three seconds of peace and quiet before Arca emerged from the near-boiling liquid, screaming his lungs out in pain, and running off, crashing through the pool's fence while he was at it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

Today was a very important day. The shop was perfectly decorated, the camera crew was ready along with several high-ranking staff and investors, and Emerald Essence was wearing her best, most expensive dress. It had taken years of careful investments and saving, but her franchise was about to welcome a very important pony. She turned around and addressed her team one more time.

“Alright, ponies. It's been a few years since our last milestone, so you all might be a tad rusty… for your own sake, don't be! Whoever walks through that door next and buys something is our official ten millionth customer, be they pony or... otherwise!” she shuddered at the thought of having to be cheerful and welcoming to, Celestia forbid, a Griffin or even worse, a Zebra. It was a pretty well-known fact that Emerald was one of the most specist ponies around. Still, she was willing to swallow her pride for good press, as their ten millionth customer would be receiving a free (she mentally shuddered again at that word) necklace worth around three thousand bits, and have their picture on national news. She could not screw this up.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

With no warning, a giant blob of molten cheese that appeared to be wailing in agony burst through the door to the shop. Surprisingly enough, it did stop to wipe its hooves while still screeching, then resumed its blind rampage as it knocked over displays, flung gooey cheese all over the reporters and investors, and stained Emerald's white dress. All the while it continued screaming and crashing into things, leaving a trail of sticky destruction in its wake and causing irrevocable stains on the walls, carpet, and ceilings.

Emerald just stood with her jaw wide open in shock as she watched her shop get trashed by a monster. But, in the confusion, it knocked over the display of candy necklaces Emerald had for foals, and managed to toss a bag of bits onto the counter, essentially qualifying it as a customer. Cameras went off and Emerald could only stare as the blob of molten cheese walked right by her, the giveaway necklace being picked up in a magical field and a high-temperature mix of chips, cheese, and candy necklace was shoved in her mouth.

“AAAAAAAAAA-Thanksforthegifthavesomenachos-AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

And with that, the still-blinded blob creature ran out of the shop still wailing in pain, leaving Emerald to seriously question:

“What the everliving BUCK just happened?!”

The reporters swarmed in, trying to hold back laughter. “Can we quote you on that, Miss Essence? Anything you want to say about your, heh, ten millionth customer?”

“GET OUT OF MY STORE!!”

Author's Note

“And what did we learn today, Boss?” Juniper worked on treating Arca's burns, using nearly all the burn lotion in the shop.

“...molten cheese is not for swimming…”

“Anything else?” She took a moment to admire the nice necklace Arca had given her. It looked expensive.

“Next time bring a bruschetta boat?”

Memo to the Jury

If there's one thing Mayor Silver didn't like, it was court. Not day court like Princess Celestia and Luna held, but court. Arrests, crimes, and lawsuits were very uncommon in Rainbow Falls, but things happened. And while anypony pulling the stunts Arca usually pulled would often land a pony with at least community service, Arca was one of the town's original founders, capable of cleaning up his own messes and paying for damages, and supported by the crown. In fact, any court case involving Arca was usually presided over by Celestia herself, not that many knew that.

But today was just a few cases of petty shoplifting, probably a fine at best and maybe a few weeks probation at the worst. The town jail hadn't seen use in months, usually reserved for the trade exchange. So it was probably going to be a slow day. He hears a few cases as judge, the jury gives a verdict, and everything goes well. Maybe some ponies will just plead guilty and speed things up!

As soon as he walked into the courtroom, though, he felt an air of unease. The defense attorney was speaking directly with the prosecutor, and they seemed to be in agreement. “Ah, Your Honor!” the gray pegasus called over, her brown mane well kept and tied up professionally. “We request a delay on the trial, in order to select a new jury. This one is unacceptable.”

Silver looked at the mare cautiously. “Prosecutor Stoneheart. Not to sound rude, but this is the first time in the thirty years I've known you to request such a thing. You are often so… direct, methodical… what is wrong with today's jury?”

“See for yourself, your honor. Both the defense and I refuse to hold court in these conditions.”

Silver looked over at the twelve jurors. Eleven of them were well respected member of the community called in for jury duty, each well-dressed and ready for the day, reluctant as they were. And one was absent.

“A juror is missing? I hardly see how that is an issue, we can substitute somepony in.”

“Have you seen the jury list, your honor?”

“No, why-”

There was a mighty flash of light, and when sight returned Silver saw the problem. The rest of the jury immediately schooched their chairs away from the newcomer, unease on their faces. Arca didn't notice, instead taking a noisy bite of his morning blueberry waffles.

“SORRY I'M LATE!”

“Motion carries, court is cancelled for the day.”

“But Your Honor Judge Mayor Silver, I just got here!”

“Arca...”

“I left Juniper in charge for this! And I don't trust her to cause a ruckus today, even though it's been over a week since the nacho incident!”

“Arca.”

“Is it because my tie is halfway burned away? It got caught in the toaster!”

“ARCA!”

“Yes?”

“Go home.”

“Okay!” Arca teleported out, leaving waffle crumbs on the floor.

Silver took a deep breath and sighed. “Okay, new plan. Court is delayed, instead we will have a brainstorming session in case Arca ever gets accidentally called for jury duty again. Today we will create a draft of…”

THINGS ARCA IS NOT ALLOWED TO DO AT JURY DUTY

-For starters, Arca is not allowed to edit this list, unless the current mayor of Rainbow Falls is present.
-Arca is not allowed to shout “OOOH HE TOTALLY GOT YOU” when a contradiction is pointed out in a witness's logic.
-Court is not a court for any sporting event. Not even if Arca supplies the equipment.
-Labcoats are considered appropriate court attire for Arca, but ONLY if there are no stains on it.
-Arca is not allowed to try and get the jury or the audience to do ‘The Wave’.
-Or ‘The Hooflem Shake’.
-Or ‘The Marecarena’.
-You know what, Arca is not allowed to incite the audience to do any dance.
-As useful as potions that make the user incapable of lying may be, the lawyers need to do their jobs, and it usually leads to further trouble as the drinker often accidentally insults others.
-Slipping it into their drink is not allowed, either.
-The phrase ‘Order in the court’ means ‘please quiet down’, not ‘go get food’. Even if Hayburger is having a two for one deal.
-The snack machine in the lobby is not a toy.
-Not allowed to ~~touch~~ do anything to the evidence.
-Arca is not allowed to question the witnesses, especially if it's unrelated to the case.
~~-Can I hire an Oom-Pah-Pah band to improve the atmosphere?~~
-WHO LET ARCA BACK IN?!
-Also no. That goes double for bagpipes.
-While an artist is present to sketch a picture of the proceedings, Arca is not permitted to make a funny face for it. Or get a copy to use as a paint by numbers activity.
-Any censored curses in the court transcript are NOT mad libs.
-Jury duty is, unfortunately, a legal requirement. Arca may not send Juniper in his place. He may, however, petition the princesses to be forbidden from jury duty ever again.
-Please do that, Arca. Actually, Silver will bring that up during his next meeting with the princess.
-No paper airplanes. Especially not ones made of the opening statements.
-Court having a recess is not permission to go play on the swings in the park or at the school.
-Arca is not allowed to touch the gavel. On a related note, ‘Bring your gong to work day’ is cancelled for the foreseeable future.
-The pony making hoof gestures is there to help the hearing impaired, he/she is NOT a mime.
-Arca is allowed to shout “OBJECTION!” and dramatically point only when court has not officially started yet.
-The jury deliberates to discuss a verdict, not defibrillates. Please, no lightning spells in court.
-Just because Arca has a powdered wig from 700 years ago does not mean it is okay to manifest it on the judge’s head “for that nostalgic feeling.”
-The water fountains are not toys.
-When voting on a verdict, Arca is not allowed to flip a coin, ask a magic 8 ball, or roll for innocence to determine his vote.
-"I caused more damage than that last week and nopony yelled at me” is not an excuse for vandals to walk free. It is also not a contest.
-Arca is not allowed to pay the fine for the accused in order to end court early because he got bored.
-Arca is not allowed to be called as a witness, unless absolutely necessary. He tends to filibuster about his entire day.
-Any damage caused within the Arca limit is not the responsibility of the court. Fix it yourself, Arca.
-The chandelier is not a toy!
-Regardless of which side wins, do not throw confetti. Or tell a convicted criminal to “have a nice day!”
-Not allowed to play ~~duck duck goose~~ ~~hide and seek~~ any game with the jury.
-Crime scene photos are not ‘I spy' games.
-In the event that a truly evil and vile pony is brought to court, life sentences are not to be issued under any circumstances. Use a 300 year sentence instead, as the thought of being imprisoned for life really freaks Arca out, given his immortality.
-Do not try to sell potions to the audience. Or to anypony in the building while court is in session.
-Do not try and promote Alchemiracles during court unless it was actually involved.
-Remember, Arca is classified as a natural disaster/force of nature for insurance claims, he is not to be taken to court over it. Mainly because he can pay off the damage without even blinking, and it saves court fees that way.
-The Duck is also classified as a force of nature, and any damage Arca causes trying to pursue it is covered by the crown.
-If the argument ‘Nopony could possibly do that!’ is brought up, Arca is not allowed to take that as a challenge.
-The statue of Celestia in the courthouse lobby is not a ~~jungle gym~~ toy of any sort.
-Arca is not allowed to bring toys to court.
-Despite what that one pony said, there is no third floor, nor is there a pool on said floor.
-Arca is not allowed to fund construction of a third floor to the courthouse.
-Arca is not permitted to pet service animals in the court. Even if they roll over for belly rubs.
-For court purposes, Juniper Berry may be temporarily classified as a service animal for the purpose of keeping Arca calm during longer trials, and is immune to the above rule.
-Arca may bring ONE deck of playing cards to play solitaire while the jury deliberates, as he usually reaches his vote within five minutes. He is not permitted to challenge anypony to card games, especially not betting games.
-DAMNIT ARCA, NO TOYS IN COURT!
-Except as evidence, and Arca is not allowed to play with those, either.

Author's Note

"Just how many lists are there, Boss?"

"I forget, but there's a list of them somewhere."

After School Clubs

Emerald Essence grinned, her newest assistant begrudgingly tagging along. Today, she would finally get Arcane out of her mane once and for all, by taking her case to the biggest Alchemy guild in Equestria, the Royal Alchemy Guild, and requesting they audit him and his practices. The guild hall was, she had to admit, magnificent, a massive three-story construction with sculptures and artwork that would put even the finest collections of the nobility to shame. Ponies from all walks of life gathered there to study, train in, and discuss the finer points and intricate details of the art of alchemy, and many of the world's greatest alchemists started here in it's long, storied history. Seven hundred years of work in the field, and some of the most influential alchemists in existence would make bringing the hammer of judgement down on that mad pony easy. It was still early in the day, though, and their annual meeting had not started yet, so she sat down on a bench to relax.

“NO!”

Emerald's ears shot up. She knew that voice, as much as she hated it.

“NO NO NO! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!”

Sure enough, there was Arcane Catalyst, the only obstacle between her and a great property value for her shop. Oddly enough, his back legs were tied up, several magic dampening rings were on his horn, and he was being pulled along by a rope tied around his midsection that was attached to a harness worn by his assistant Juniper.

“Boss, I'm afraid not even you can get out of this one,” she told him grimly. “There's no escaping your fate this time.”

“NO! YOU CAN'T MOVE ME, I'M PARALYZED!” Arca rolled over like a dog throwing a temper tantrum, refusing to move and forcing Juniper to drag him down the path to the guild.

“I can do this just as long as you can, Boss. Don't make me carry you up the steps.”

“I REFUSE! YOU WILL NOT TAKE ME IN THERE, JUNIPER!”

“I have my orders.”

“NO!”

“Yes.”

“NO NO!”

“Yes, yes, Boss.”

“YES! And then you say…”

“Glad we agree.”

“No, you're supposed to say no, then I say no also and we go home!” The green pegasus finally pulled her mentor to the short set of steps leading to the grand entrance, the doors swinging wide as though inviting Arca to his doom.

“Come on, Boss. Time to go.” Juniper grabbed Arca's tail in her mouth and pulled the stallion up the steps, as he gave up the paralysis act and started digging into the stonework with his forehooves.

“NO! NO WAY IN TARTARUS AM I GOING IN THERE!” As a last ditch effort, he lunged to the side and grabbed hold of the entrance door frame, crying for help. “NO! NOT LIKE THIS! PLEASE, SOMEPONY SAVE MEEEEEEEEE ooh, this carpet is super soft.”

The doors slammed shut, sealing off Emerald's view of the inside.

“Well, it seems they beat me to the punch on that one!” Emerald cheered. “Normally I'd be upset somepony got ahead of me, but for a common enemy I don't mind at all! Assistant, be a dear and make a note to make a generous donation to the Royal Alchemy Guild… but not too generous! Maybe ten bits, does that sound fair? On second thought, make it eleven! They deserve it.”

Her assistant sighed. “Yes, ma'am…”

“Order, order! This annual meeting of the Royal Alchemy Guild will now commence!” Bunsen Burner, representative of the Manehattan branch of the guild, let his voice echo through the chamber as those present quieted down. “Today, we will discuss some of the bigger breakthroughs in the field, allocate funds for future research, investigate those who perform illegal actions in the field, and ensure that Equestria has a brighter future!”

The other representatives stomped their hooves in applause.

“It is a shame, though, that our founder is not here with us to see our progress. He pioneered many of our chosen areas of research, and his presence is missed dearly here every year. If he were here, though, I am sure he would look upon us and proclaim-”

“JUNIPER, I SWEAR TO CELESTIA'S SUN COVERED FLANKS I'M NOT GOING IN THERE!”

“Nevermind, it seems he actually showed up this year. Hello, Arca.”

Tied up on the floor, Arcane Catalyst glared up at the stallion. “Hello, Bunsen. Can I go home now?”

“Not until the meeting is over.”

“But you guys are so BORING these days! I remember when I started this in my laundry room, me and my old apprentices would get together and play roulette with unlabeled potions! You guys don't even play the club theme song!”

“We stopped being a ‘club’ 650 years ago, Arca. We have funding from the crown and guild chapters nationwide. Sit down and behave for five hours, please? For once? And hello miss Berry, I hope he didn't give you too much trouble.”

“Jumped him before he woke up. Piece of cake, and my dear old Boss isn't getting any later unless he behaves.”

“Fine. Let's get this over with.”

“Very well,” Bunsen began as Juniper sat Arca up in a chair and let him get relatively comfortable. “Our first order of business is the theory about the possible resistance to further alchemical reactions that iron thornfruit seems to provide, and it's possible applications for resisting curses applied via potion…”

The meeting went off without further incident, the representatives all dispersing to return to their rooms or to go teach the hundreds of alchemical prodigies that lived in the building to further their craft. Juniper noticed Arca was still sitting in his chair, staring ahead, and moved over to check on him, untying his bindings and removing the horn rings.

“Boss? The meeting's over, we can go home now.” No response. “Boss?”

Arca wobbled in place, and finally collapsed, his head landing sideways on the table.

The ancient pony's mouth opened and a loud snore erupted from his throat. Juniper jumped back in surprise as he slumped over, passed out from boredom, noting the fake eyeballs painted on his closed eyelids to give the illusion of being awake.

“Ugh, you win this round, Boss…”

Author's Note

"Boss, it's time to go home. Let's go."

"NO! I WANNA STAY HERE LONGER!"

Juniper Day

“Juniper! What a coincidence running into you here!”

Juniper sighed, stepping up onto the front porch of Alchemiracles. “Boss. I work here. You LIVE here. We see each other every day I come in to work.”

“Still! I'm glad I caught you. I'm going to Canterlot to go speak with Princess Celestia about some new creature she wrote me a letter about. Friendly sort, apparently, I hope to get some samples for experimenting later, and catch up with my old apprentice, Potassium Mixture, while I'm there. He was doing what you do now, only… what was it, forty years ago? Now he works directly for the Princess in the Royal Alchemy Lab.”

“Really? Boss, I wasn't made aware of this.”

“Oh. Surprise, then! Alchemiracles is closed today, so take a day off! Do whatever Juniper wants to do today. I have a train to catch.”

Juniper shrugged with her wings, not bothering to argue. “I guess Celestia's giving you a place to stay, then? And why haven't you packed?”

“To answer your questions, I hid a sleeping alcove in the castle lab when it was built centuries ago, for when I had to stay by more… potentially explosive experiments that needed constant attention. And I'm ‘loaded’, as the foals these days say, Juniper! I've lived long enough to be worth millions of bits, I can buy supplies when I get there. Or more likely than not, Celestia will try to provide for my needs while I'm there. That being said, I do have a few spare lab coats in my saddlebags.”

“Of course you do.”

“See you when I get back, Juniper! Have fun, and try to keep Rainbow Falls in one piece while I'm gone!” with that said, Arca dashed off towards the train station before deciding to simply teleport there.

Left alone, the pegasus mumbled to herself. “That won't be too hard with you not here, boss. Now, what to do first...”

Fun fact: clouds are very comfortable. Juniper, being a pegasus, knows this, and put that knowledge to her advantage as she reclined back on the soft, fluffy puff of white that she had pulled down. Not many ponies were brave enough to take to the sky while inside the Arca Limit, much less nap there, but Juniper knew that with her boss gone and the shop closed for the day, she had the perfect place to catch up on sleep.

She had been sleeping there for a little while, as a matter of fact. After Arca had left for Canterlot, she had taken his advice and had a ‘me day’ for the first time in a while. She immediately flew over to the local candy store to indulge her sweet tooth, before practicing some flying high above the valley where the liquid rainbows cascaded down to. After that, she touched down and decided to go in for a much needed massage to ease off some sore shoulder joints from last week's explosions. The massage made her drowsy, so she grabbed a cloud, took it inside the Arca Limit, and took an afternoon nap.

“Hi, dearie!”

She had only been asleep for about two hours when the voice shook her out of her nap, and like most creatures upon waking up it took a few moments for her brain to process who was speaking.

“Oh, sorry dear. Did I wake you? Go back to sleep sweetheart, I'm pretty sure I can find my way around Arca's shop, unless he built in another three dozen hidden compartments. It certainly has its charm…”

Mage Meadowbrook was admiring the odd but strangely beautiful mixings of different architectural styles that made up Alchemiracles when it finally clicked for Juniper who was there.

“MAGE MEADOWBROOK?!” she swooped down landing awkwardly in front of her idol. “Ohmygosh, ohmygosh! I can't believe I'm meeting you in pony… for the second time! W-welcome to Rainbow Falls! C-can I have your autograph? Wait, I mean, uh, what brings you this far out on the train line?” A sudden hoof on her withers calmed her down a bit, as Meadow worked to soothe her frantic grand-apprentice.

“Shush… deep breaths, dear. In, and out. In, and out.” Meadow put her hoof back down, as Juniper began to calm down and even made a few calm sounding noises. “Better? Good. Now, to answer your questions, Arca called me in to watch his shop while he's in Canterlot. It's the least I can do after all he did to help memorialize my shop and our history. I probably owe him more than I can repay without being ageless myself. And yes, I'll give you an autograph, and before I forget, Arca asked me to take care of you too for the few days he is away. He asked me to keep my role as substitute alchemist mentor under wraps until now, especially to you. He wanted to surprise you. So, to make up for hiding that little secret from you, what do you say we go make some potions together, just me and you? Do you want to do that?”

“Oh BOY, would I!”

Author's Note

Well, somepony had to run the shop while Arca's away...

Let's Learn

“And from there, all you need to do is let it simmer for a little while, stirring occasionally, and just like that, we have a vat full of my potion of curing stomach aches! Wasn't that easy, dear?”

Juniper sat watching as Meadowbrook carefully and methodically brewed up a potion from memory. “Wow. That was so… calm, compared to how my boss does it. He usually cuts corners by tossing the ingredients in from halfway across the lab and somehow makes it turn out fine.”

Meadowbrook smiled fondly as dozens of memories flashed through her head of catching her former apprentice trying to ‘make potions faster and better than ever before’ by hurling everything from plants to gemstones across her tree-shop and making a ridiculous mess. “Yes, I remember when he used to miss every throw he made. I made him take lessons from a travelling jester who settled down in the swamps in order to improve his throwing… no doubt he's honed those skills over the centuries. I hope he at least calms down enough to teach you, though.”

Juniper shrugged her wings. “Sometimes. Other times he teaches me how to gather rare ingredients, and that involves a field trip… and usually self-defense lessons. He's surprisingly skilled in fighting styles of all three tribes… well, at least the grounded versions of pegasi styles.”

“Well, how about we do some preparations for another brew, then? You are a joy to teach, especially since you don't try to ‘improve the recipe’ with untested ingredient combinations…”

Before they could share a laugh over the pony they had to practically foal sit on several occasions, a jingle came from the front of the shop, indicating a customer.

“Oh! I'll go get it. Juniper, be a dear and stir that vat in a few minutes, will you? Should improve the potion's effect.”

“I'd be happy to!”

And so, Mage Meadowbrook trotted to the front of the store, only come face to face with a bespectacled unicorn stallion holding a clipboard in his magic.

“Um, can I help you, sir?”

The brown-furred stallion chuckled. “In a way, yes. My name is Equivalent Exchange, and I'm with the Equestrian Bureau for Fair and Lawful Business Practice. I received a report that this building was not up to standards for proper health and safety, so I'm here to investigate. I have all the paperwork right here,” he replied, levitating a few legal forms into Meadow's view. “Given that this place looks like it was constructed with styles over 400 years old, I'm not surprised that this place caught the attention of a worried resident.”

Meadow sighed. “Alright, but do try not to break anything. I highly doubt that-”

“Mind if I interrupt, Meadowbrook?” Juniper poked her head out of the lab, holding an old piece of paper. “Believe it or not, even if this place wasn't up to code, which it is because this place gets rebuilt every few months, there's nothing he could do. This paperwork should explain things.” Equivalent took the paper and read it aloud.

This document verifies that the building known as ‘Alchemiracles’ in the town of Rainbow Falls is considered exempt from any and all investigations unless personally approved by either the owner of the property or her royal majesty princess Celestia herself. Any questions about this document may be addressed to the crown directly.

Signed this day, July 17th 572 ANM, in my presence,
-Princess Celestia Sol Invicus of Equestria
-Sir Arcane Catalyst, current owner and proprietor of Alchemiracles, Royal Knight of the Sun, Royal Alchemist of the crown, and five-time winner (and sole contestant) of the annual Canterlot dance-off
-Holly Berry, Apprentice of Arcane Catalyst

“Well then. I suppose this matter needs to be taken to the royal courts. Do you have copies of this so that I might pass it on to my anonymous client?”

Juniper nodded. “Yeah, that's actually a copy. The original is in the royal archives. Keep it.”

“Thank you. I will take my leave now. Farewell, ladies.” and with that, Juniper and Meadow were alone in the shop once more.

“This happen often, dearie?”

“About once a year. Apparently it's been nearly 60 years since anypony has actually gone to the court over it, though. Wanna go make more potions? I always wanted to get taught by you, and this is a dream come true!”

Meadow chuckled. “Let's finish the one we have brewing now, and take a break. It's important to pace yourself, otherwise you might make mistakes. How about we go get lunch instead? My treat.”

“...And that's my report, Miss Essence. I'm glad you brought this to my attention. This document is without a doubt a forgery… it was signed over 400 years ago by the pony you claimed was the current owner!”

Emerald smiled. “Yes, finally I have the evidence I need to get that pesky shop closed! To think he had the gall to not only forge Celestia's signature, but to claim himself as a royal knight AND the royal alchemist? I wouldn't be surprised if he got locked up for the rest of his days. And putting his own signature on the document as though he was there… who is he trying to fool? He may be a thorn in my side, but he isn't ageless! That's impossible!”

“Shall we set up an appointment with the Day court?”

“...No. Princess Celestia AND Princess Luna are coming to the trade exchange in a few weeks, with Celestia supervising Luna's first time as the acting princess of the exchange. I think I'll call that fool out then, and expose him as a fraud in front of the entire town! He'll be ruined, and finally that eyesore of a building can be out of my scenic view forever!”

“...Do you think he actually was the five-time winner of the dance-off, though? I never even heard of it.”

“Knowing that crazy pony, it honestly wouldn't surprise me if he declared it himself just for the ego boost. Still…” she looked out her window to the building in question. “Your days are numbered, Arcane Catalyst. Emerald Essence never loses in legal battles.”

Author's Note

I had something funny to say here, but I forgot.

Quackmageddon

It was another average day in Rainbow Falls. Arca was back home, which was why most of the town was sweeping up tufts of fur from his latest try at the mane growth potion. This time it made fur start growing rapidly, then fall out, then regrow…

Regardless, it was a pretty normal day so far. Emerald was enjoying a nice trot through the market, when she heard a noise. It was a common noise where she came from, so she paid it no mind, but the rest of the townsponies seemed to freeze in terror, praying it was their imagination.

“Quack.”

“EVERYPONY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!”

Emerald barely dove out of the way as all the ponies in the market stampeded towards the train station to get anywhere but where they were at the moment. Pegasi took to the air at speeds rivaling the wonderbolts to escape.

Emerald looked on in horror as something rounded the corner among the dust kicked up by the fleeing ponies.

“Quack.”

“Wait, it's just a bucking duck?”

“Quack.” Sure enough, a single, uninteresting white duck waddled up to her, looked around for bread, and waddled off down an alley.

“Is… is THAT what everypony was scared of? Why?”

“Hello, pony who I don't know but kinda looks familiar! Have you seen a waterfowl around here?”

Emerald turned around, glaring. “Arca.” Upon seeing the object of her ire, her eyes widened in shock. “Wait… why are you wearing a camouflage lab coat, covered in leaves, and towing seventeen military grade cannons?!”

The town's resident potion maker gestured to his artillery, all connected to a single cord. “Because sixteen wasn't enough last time. Also, I'm legally required to tell you to evacuate the town. Mayor Silver doesn't like it when I go up against my arch-nemesis. But one of these days, I'm going to win!”

“Quack.”

Arca's right eye twitched, his head pivoting around slowly. There it was, sticking its head into one of the cannons, appearing to examine the echo of its voice. It fell inwards, only its rump sticking out of the weapon, its legs kicking fruitlessly.

“YOU MOTHERBUCKING SON OF A FLAP-FLAP, I'M GONNA KILL YOU DEAD! ALL CANNONS! FIRE!”

“Qua-”

The Duck didn't get to finish as Arca pulled the ripcord, and all seventeen cannons fired their salvo in rapid succession, including the one The Duck happened to be stuck in at the moment. It also just so happened that all of them were pointed directly at Emerald's recently redecorated jewelry store.

“My shop!” Emerald cried out in anger. “You will pay for every bit of repairs I have to do, and then I will have you jailed, you bonehead!” she flinched as she said that, knowing what destruction Arca was capable of. Calling a unicorn a ‘bonehead’ was akin to calling an earth pony a ‘filthy mud pony’ (which they were, in her opinion, but that's beside the point), and she didn't want to face him directly.

However, Arca simply waved her off with a hoof. “Eh, collateral damage. It matters not, I even don't care about that racial slur you just called me! I think I finally got him!”

“Quack.”

There was a light flapping of wings, and The Duck perched on Arcane's head and began preening itself.

“I hate you. So bucking much.”

“Quack.”

“You wanna play like that? Fine. ALL CANNONS! FIRE TWO!” There was another series of explosions, and Emerald looked even more furious. “Eheheh… whoops. Forgot to aim them. I feel bad for whoever runs that shop.” He then turned the cannons to face him head-on.

“Qua-”

“FIRE THREE!”

As the dust settled, a white duck walked away from the carnage as Arca, covered in soot and dust but somehow uninjured, weakly poked a hoof from the rubble and shook it in anger. “Curse you, The Duck… Just you wait until next time!”

Mayor Silver had been off on a nature walk when the panic started, and as such thought all the screaming was something else Arca-related. So when he returned to find the town empty and a giant anvil made of a combination of smaller anvils and cannons hanging by a thick rope above a pile of birdseed, and Arca hiding behind a sign that read ‘Nopony here, eat the free birdseed’, he knew that it was trouble.

“Arca, let me guess. Is it The Duck again?”

“SSSSH! I'm not here. That blasted bird is back and this time I'm sure I'll finally have it!”

“Quack.”

Arca and Silver both turned to look at the the noise. The Duck was there, eating the birdseed. Arca leapt from his ‘hiding spot’ and pulled the rope, crying out triumphantly.

“Ah HA!”

...Only for all the cannons to fire to the side, swinging the massive anvil as the rope let go, crushing Arca into the ground. From under the pile of iron and weaponry, Silver heard voices.

“I am okay! Is it dead?”
“Quack.”
“HOW DID YOU GET DOWN HERE?!”

Silver sighed. “Right, I'm going to leave now. Have fun trying to kill The Duck for the umpteenth time.”

“Okay, have a nice day, Mayor Silver! If you can find a way to help, let me know!”

“Noted, Arca. Also, it seems to be eating the birdseed again.”

“HOW DID IT GET OUT BEFORE I DID?! FLOOF THAT BIRD!”

Author's Note

You know, 'Dont ask about The Duck' was supposed to be a one-off joke for the holiday list. And yet all of you asked anyway, so here we are.
Q U A C K

Memo Regarding Health

“Good afternoon, Doctor Cross. I am in severe pain.”

Doctor Red Cross of the Rainbow Falls General Hospital (possibly the most reinforced and indestructible building in Equestria) looked at his latest patient. Arcane was covered in soot, his lab coat was slightly ripped at the sleeves, and a few strands of his mane was on fire.

“It got away again, didn't it?”

Arca sighed, his ears drooping. “Yeah… that floofin’ bird always gets the better of me. Any other avian creature, I've caught one or two, but that blasted duck… I think it's still on the mountain, too. Anyway, do you have anything for having a giant anvil made of smaller anvils dropped on your head?”

“I'd write you a prescription for a pain relief potion, but you supply them. Just go home, take a potent pain potion- that's a pain RELIEF potion, not one that just causes pain, and get some rest. Oh, and take this too, and look it over before the next time you volunteer at the hospital.”

“Ooh, they updated the list? I love those, they're filled with fun memories! See you later Doctor Cross, and good luck with your patience!”

Cross watched him leave, grumbling to himself. “I swear, that colt. Ageless, never sick, and still causes me more of a headache than most of my patients. I hope he takes his time reading…”

THE LIST OF THINGS ARCA MAY NOT DO AT THE HOSPITAL

~~-Am I allowed to edit this list?~~
-No, Arca may not edit this list. He may only suggest things to add, and they must be approved by the hospital board.
~~-Arca may not use the medical liquid nitrogen to make ice cream.~~
~~-Arca may not use the medical liquid nitrogen to make nitroglycerin explosives.~~
-Arca is no longer allowed near the medical liquid nitrogen.
-Hospital blood drives are not actually run by ‘the secret vampony society’.
-Or any secret society.
-Laughter is NOT the best medicine, especially when it involves slapstick comedy in the intensive care unit. Even if Arca is the one getting hurt, it just kills morale.
-Arca is not allowed to make reference to death, such as ‘Oh, you are killing me over here!’ when laughing.
-Do not suggest patients do dangerous things because ‘YOLO’.
-Arca may not instead suggest such actions because ‘YOLF’ (You Only Live Forever), as the few beings that applies to are not often hospitalized.
-No racing stretchers ~~down the hall~~ ~~in the building~~ anywhere.
-’I got a splinter’ is not a reason to run to the ER, Arca.
-Yes, Arca has PhDs in both Alchemy and Advanced Magical theory, but his Doctoral status does not make him a medical doctor.
-Not allowed to steal laughing gas to cheat at open mic night at the comedy club.
-Blood plasma and actual plasma are not interchangeable, except maybe for Princess Celestia.
-'We need to amputate’ is a last resort, not the correct procedure for a broken hoof.
-Arca may not hijack the hospital laundry room to clean his lab coats.
-The hippocratic oath does not involve actual hippos.
-Despite how useful it would be, there is no ‘The Duck-ectomy’ procedure to remove it from Arca's life.
-’I stepped on a pebble’ is not an excuse to run to the ER, Arca.
-Not allowed to rap to the beat of a heart monitor.
-Fictional diseases in comics are FICTIONAL, and even if they were not, Arca has access to a (very expensive) cure for all illnesses anyway.
-The grand panacea may only be prescribed with permission from the crown, due to the secrecy surrounding it. In the event it is prescribed, it is not to be referred to as such.
-Arca may not request a tonsillectomy with the intent of bypassing his daily limit of ice cream.
-No fridge magnets near the MRI.
-Arca is permitted to use only one pump of soap to wash his hooves per visit to the restroom, unless he brings his own.
-No disassembling the X-ray machine to try and get the X-ray glasses Arca got from a cereal box to work.
-The basement is off limits to Arca. The morgue is down there and he's seen one too many zombie movies.
-Yes, most ponies aside from a select few die at some point after drinking dihydrogen monoxide. That does not mean Arca may destroy the water cooler ‘to save the world’.
-Surgical masks are not ninja gear.
-Scalpels are not throwing knives.
-Suggesting an IV drip for potions to test injected potion effects instead of simply drinking them is not allowed.
-'Juniper won't let me have any more cookies’ is not an excuse to run to the ER, Arca.
~~-The operating theater is not a place for popcorn.~~
~~-Or sodas.~~
-No food or drink in the operating theater.
-Arca's suggestion of ‘Arca is permitted to ignore these rules at his leisure’ has been unanimously rejected.
-Using the magic mirror pool to create two patients and give one a placebo ‘for control purposes’ is a bad idea.
-Letting Arca anywhere near the magic mirror pool is also a bad idea.
-There is no uncommon cold, holofoil cold, or limited edition cold. Diseases are not trading cards.
-Arca is forbidden from going anywhere near the maternity ward, as he freaks out and/or gags. ~~Seriously Arca, you are over a millennia old, it's nothing you haven't seen before.~~
-Juniper Berry’s reminder to the board that Arca has never even had a marefriend, let alone gotten intimate with one, has led to the rescinding of the above comment. Also, somepony please contact princess Cadance, a significant other might mellow him out a bit.
-Arca may take one lollipop OR one sticker per visit, once a day, and only if said visit is for a legitimate reason.
-Arca is not allowed within 50 hooves of the coffeemaker.
-Doctor's orders are not ‘Simon says’.
-'I dunno, I just felt like running to the ER’ is not an excuse for running to the ER, Arca.
-Whichever doctor volunteers to give Arca his annual physical receives an extra two weeks of vacation time, no questions asked.
-Ballgowns are not hospital gowns.
-‘My Boss told me to’ is not excuse to run to the ER, Juniper.
-The above rule does not apply if Juniper actually needs medical attention.
-Arca is requested to refrain from commenting on anypony's bedside manner, as Lead Pediatric Surgeon Dr. Bedside Manner gets offended by it.
-'I thought this was Hayburger’ is not an excuse to run to the ER, Arca.
-'Are you sure this isn't Hayburger’ is not an excuse to run BACK to the ER, Arca.
-No, the cafeteria does not serve hayburgers, Arca.
-Arca's request to build a Hayburger next to or inside the hospital has been unanimously rejected. There's already one three blocks down the road.
-More band-aids is not the correct solution to any problem.
-Ultrasounds are not the same as megaphones.
-Arca may not read the encyclopedia of diseases, as he tends to think every itch is a symptom.
-Do not use any hospital equipment as an impromptu drum kit.
-Arca is no longer permitted to access the hospital storage without supervision ever.
-The IV drip bags are not helium balloons.
-Wheelchairs are designed to help impaired creatures move around. Arca is not to use them for any of the following: Conga lines, Racecars, Mechas, Catapults, Miniature mobile potion shops, Dioramas, Barricades, Weapons against The Duck, Music videos, Roller coasters, and any idea involving the words ice, mayonnaise, or cyan.
-'Zzzz’ is not an excuse to ~~run~~ sleeptrot to the ER, Arca.

Author's Note

"So you're absolutely sure this isn't the Hayburger?"

Duck Hunt

“Quack.”

“There it is, Juniper! I TOLD you it was still nearby!” Ducked behind a bush, Arca watched his arch nemesis with a pair of cheap binoculars. “Look at it, waddling around…”

“Is this really necessary, Boss? It is just a bird, regardless of how many times it's gotten away…”

Arca put down his binoculars, and turned to his assistant. “It is not just a bird, Juniper! Now shush, and stop being so obvious. If it sees you, we might end up ruining my trap this time!” He picked up the binoculars again, finishing his little tirade. “Wow, these new binoculars are great! It's like he's right in front of me, I can see so well. Heck, it's almost like The Duck is looking through the other end of the binoculars!”

“Uh, Boss, he is.”

“Quack.”

Arca calmly handed the binoculars to Juniper. “Hold these. They cost quite a bit. Now, you arrogant little twit, what do you have to say for yourself?”

“Quack.”

“WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT MY BOSS?! THAT'S IT, YOU'RE DEAD!” Arca sprang forward to try and tackle his foe, but The Duck… ducked to peck at the grass beneath it. This resulted in one orange unicorn face planting into the mud. “Damn bird…”

“So, how are you doing?” Juniper asked. “Meet any pretty she-ducks lately?”

“Quack.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right. Kinda wish I could understand you. I bet you have lots of stories about my Boss and his former apprentices.”

“Quack.”

Arca popped his head out of the bush they were hiding behind, The Duck rising with him as it had settled in on his head. “GOTCHA! Wait, where did it go? I'm gonna get him this time…”

Juniper gestured with a wing, pointing deeper into the woods. “He went that way, boss.”

“Thanks, Juniper! I won't let him escape this time!” And so he dashed off into the wilderness, the waterfowl he so hated still sitting on his head unawares.

Mage Meadowbrook had decided to stay in Rainbow Falls for a few days to try and gather rare ingredients from the nearby mountains. Not many ponies ventured as far up the falls as she was, but up here where the air was thinner, skypetal lilies grew better here than near the swamp. She stopped a moment to take a nice, long inhale of the mountain air.

“Boss! I thought you left for your home already!” Meadow turned around, slightly surprised.

“Arca? Are you after ingredients too? And what's with the duck?”

Arca trotted over and patted his old mentor on the withers. “Oh, my dear boss, you silly mare. It's not ‘the duck’, it's ‘The Duck’. Use capitals. And have you seen it anywhere, as long as I'm on the subject?”

“Uh…” Meadowbrook looked up at the bird half-asleep on Arca's head. “No, I haven't. Perhaps if you used your head, you might find it?”

“Ooh, good idea! I bet I could use a spell to locate it! The Duck's magical signature is super easy to track if you know its magical frequency.” he lit his horn, and it shone its normal light blue color with a radar spell. “Huh. That's odd. I sense it nearly on top of me. But I don't see it anywhere…” Arca looked left, right, up, down, and even spun in a circle, but failed to find The Duck still sitting on his head.

“Quack.”

“I HEARD THAT! WHERE ARE YOU?”

Meadow smiled at her former pupil's predicament, shaking her head in defeat. “Arca, dear, it's on your head.”

“It's WHAT?!” he ruffled his mane with a hoof, sending The Duck flying off into the sky and towards another part of the mountain. “HEY, GET THE BUCK BACK HERE, YOU- oof!” he flinched from a solid hoof to the flank.

“Arcane Catalyst! Language!”

Arca's ears drooped and he hung his head in shame. “Sorry, boss…”

“And why are you after that poor bird? What did it ever do to you?”

Arca sighed. “...technically, it's a national secret, but you deserve to know… and I think Celestia would agree. Come on, I'll show you. The Duck can wait for another day… it's not like it's going to die of old age anytime soon, if the past 500 years I’ve spent chasing it are any sort of indication.” He started walking higher up the mountain, gesturing for Meadowbrook to follow. “This way. Don't worry, if the air gets too thin for you I have some potions that should help you at high altitudes. Cold resistance, a breatheasy tonic, better balance…”

“Arca, where are we going where I'm going to need those? The top of the mountain, or something?”

“Exactly. More specifically, the point from where the Rainbow liquid flows from, a small little lake where the air is so thin you'd need to be a pegasus, have a mountaineering cutiemark, or be a living philosopher’s stone like me to survive without help. Come on Boss, it's time for a history lesson.”

Author's Note

"Wait, you curse sometimes too. Why aren't I allowed to, Boss?"

"Because, Arca, I raised you better than that. Do as I say, not as I do. And before you ask, yes, I know floof is a curse word in your town."

"Aw, mane... that was gonna be my loophole..."

The Legend of the Miracle Flower

The air was thin and the sun was setting as a pair of ponies trekked their way up the mountain behind the town. One thing that most ponies visiting the out-of-the-way hamlet will tell you about how beautiful the rainbow waterfalls look at night, the soft multicolored glow cascading down from the clouds and cliffs above bathing the town in a magical, soothing light that somehow failed to cause any problems sleeping. But something only a small portion of those ponies know is how absolutely breathtaking the town looks from above, seeing all the buildings silhouetted among the wondrous colors. For the most part, it was due to the altitudes required to get above most of the clouds that dropped the rainbow liquid the town was known for. And Mage Meadowbrook had just become one of those ponies.

“Incredible,” she breathed, gazing at one of the best views in Equestria and beyond. “I don't think I've seen anything like this.”

“Yeah, I knew this bard once some 300 years ago who legitimately cried because he didn't have the words to do this view justice. Poor guy, all he had to do was say it's a nice view.”

“You always were one for the more direct approach, Arca. So how much further until we get to where we are going?”

Arca paused and held his ground as a gust of wind whipped his lab coat around his sides. “Not that much further now. It should only be past this little cave, Boss. Do you want to rest for a moment?”

Finally clearing the incline on the forgotten trail they were climbing, Meadow gasped in shock. They had reached a small little alcove of fertile ground cutting into the mountain, about the size of the map room in Twilight’s castle of friendship. And covering every available inch of the ground were mysterious white flowers, seeming to glow in the soft light of the moon. The natural beauty of the secret garden this high up the mountain where nothing else grew, coupled with the pristine night sky and the aforementioned view of the town below, was enough to bring Meadowbrook to her knees in awe of the sheer beauty of this hidden wonder.

Arca, on the other hoof, tripped, face planted into the ground, and proceeded to eat the mystery flower right in front of his muzzle.

“Arca, what… what is this place?”

Getting back to his hooves, the unicorn smiled and gestured to the flowers. He began to explain, with more clarity than he was known for, actually seeming to be as wise as he was old for once. “This, right here, is one of the secret gems of Equestria. Celestia and I, and now you, are the only ponies in existence who know about it. I come up here some nights to relax, get away from it all when I feel the sting of the years catching up to me, when I lose an apprentice or somepony important. Welcome, Boss, to the garden of the Miracle Flowers. Just a bit further up the mountain is our destination, but I think we've earned a rest. Come, rest here for a minute.” Arca carefully shuffled over to a area overlooking the cliffs, and laid down to rest his legs. Meadow followed suit, making sure not to damage any of the strange and beautiful blossoms she walked through.

“These flowers are beautiful, Arca. What exactly are they?”

Arca gingerly plucked one of the flowers with his magic and placed it in his mentor's mane, just above her ear. “These are Miracle Flowers, the most sought after alchemical ingredient in the world. Legend has it they can make any potion far, far more effective than it would normally. I've seen a petal of one go for a thousand bits they are so rare. This little place is the only location on the planet that they grow in, and thanks to some wards to keep this place hidden, only Celestia and I can gather them.”

“If that's the case, Arcane, I'm disappointed in you.”

The stallion whipped his head away from the view to look his boss in the eyes. “Why?”

“You're keeping these all to yourself. If they are as expensive as you claim, you should have been trying to find a way to grow them in other places!”

Arcane closed his eyes and chuckled. He tried to hold it in, but he couldn't help but laugh hysterically at his mentor. It took a good minute for him to calm down. “He he… you are just like everypony else who hears about these things. Yeah, they have an alchemical effect that no other ingredient in history has. But, you wanna know a secret?”

“I'm listening.”

“That one-of-a-kind effect…”

“What do they do, Arca?” Meadowbrook’s eyes widened as a great mystery of her craft that she didn't even know of was about to be revealed in front of her.

“They don't do anything.”

“...come again?”

Arca uprooted a few in his hoof, and tossed them in the air like confetti. “They do nothing! They're USELESS! Even adding water to a potion has the effect of diluting it, but no matter what recipes I've tried, no matter what tests the best and brightest have run in secret over the past 400 years, they do bupkiss! Zilch! Nil! Nothing! They are the only thing in the whole world that is 100% magically inactive.”

Meadow recoiled in shock. “So it's a lie?”

“Not exactly. In truth, they are one of the best ingredients ever discovered. I only ever bring down ten from this place every year. The first one I keep for myself, the second goes to my apprentice, and the third goes to somepony I care about. In this case, you.”

“Aw, that's sweet, Arca.”

“The fourth goes to the top alchemist of my guild, the fifth to the best student there, and the sixth gets raffled off within the guild. The seventh, eighth, and ninth, are the same, but at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. And the tenth I use as a bargaining chip at the annual trade exchange.”

Meadowbrook tilted her head to the side. “I still don't see what makes them special if they don't do anything.”

Arca smiled warmly. “The beauty of it lies in the legend surrounding them. Such a rare and expensive ingredient… every single time, without fail, whoever tries making a potion with this flower uses only the best of the best ingredients and the utmost care. The Miracle Flower is the ultimate placebo: I have more often than not seen my students and fellow alchemists create potions the world could only dream of having, thinking it was the flower that did it. And when I tell them the truth, and swear them to secrecy, they go off into the world knowing that they had that genius, that ability to make masterpieces of alchemy, all on their own. THAT is the truth of the Miracle Flower.”

“You know what, Arca?” Meadow asked as she leaned against her adoptive son. “I take back what I said. I am proud of you, and this really is the best ingredient I've seen.”

“Thanks, Boss. And who knows? Maybe it does do something and I just haven't found it yet. I look forward to seeing what you make with it, Boss. Although if you're stuck for ideas, they make a decent tea, if nothing else.”

“I wouldn't call myself an alchemist if I didn't give it my all. Now, about this duck…”

“I don’t wanna think about it now. Let me lay here a few more minutes.”

And so, Equestria's strangest family snuggled up together, in a secret place lost to time, for just a little longer before moving on to the summit of the mountain.

Author's Note

"Oh yeah, I also would like to declare you an honorary member of the royal alchemist guild. On grounds of I said so."

"Is that allowed?"

"Yeah, because I said so."

Origin of the rainbow

Above the clouds, the night sky was a thing of beauty. It was a thing earth ponies like Meadowbrook rarely got the chance to see, especially back when the tribes were divided and pleasant weather wasn't often a luxury. Still, though, Meadowbrook picked up her pace a bit to catch up with Arca, who was chugging a vial of purple liquid.

“Arca, is that sand viper venom?” she inquired cautiously.

“Yeah. Why?”

“Doesn't that cause internal bleeding and death within ten minutes? Why are you drinking it?”

Arca shrugged, tossing the now empty vial back into his saddlebag. “Because it's flippin’ delicious, duh. Living philosopher's stone, remember? Poisons don't have any effect on me. I'd suggest you try some, but…”

“No thank you, Arca.”

“Between you and me, Princess Luna used to drink this stuff before she got banished. I wonder if she still does. I should meet up with her someday soon, honestly. Ah, here we are!”

The top of the mountain was a wondrous sight to behold, but what was up there left Meadow a little surprised. It was a small pond, glowing with ethereal light as it cycled through the colors of the rainbow, tiny colored specks of light wafting up and away into the night sky. A small pedestal was in the middle of it, with a weathered stone slab acting as a bridge to the pedestal.

“Heh, you like it, boss? This here is the heart of Rainbow Falls. We're standing on a potent arcane resonance point directly on a magical leyline. In other words, this place is supercharged with natural magic. This pool saps that mana and uses it to make all the rainbow liquid the town is known for. A potent alchemical ingredient that needs careful storing, otherwise it dissipates before it gets too far into the valley below.”

Meadow gazed into the almost hypnotically colorful fluid. Being hidden this high above the town meant that its glow was nearly impossible to spot from below, but it had her attention now. “So, Arca, what does this have to do with that duck? Oh, sorry, The Duck.”

“That, Boss, took place around 500 years ago…”

April 23rd, 478 ANM (After Nightmare Moon)

The sun was high in the sky as an orange unicorn in a lab coat galloped up the last few yards to the pool of pristine water atop the mountain. This place was a beautiful place of nature, with waterfalls cascading down from the clouds, streaking across the mountain and into the valley below. This lonely pool was high above the cloud layer, its origin unknown. There was, however, an ornate pedestal engraved with runes, positioned in the center of the pool, and a makeshift bridge (better known as a big flat rock) connected it to the edge.

“Come on, Celly! You're slower than usual today!”

Celestia sol Invictus, monarch of Equestria and commander of the heavens, slowly climbed the last few steps. “Arca… I'm not as used to… physical activity… as you are. I do paperwork... and meetings all day... while you go exploring... and experimenting.” Celestia paused to pant for breath for a few moments then continued, “Goodness, do I need to get back to working out…”

“Yeah, that's great and all. Blah blah blah. Lookie! I found the strongest point of magical resonance on the eighth leyline, and I set up my ritual here! With all the ambient magic, we can make a philosopher's stone without all the hassle of time sacrifices and stuff, but I can only do it once before the whole leyline gets thrown for a loop. So, pleasepleaseplease watch me so I get it right this time. I don't wanna do this unsupervised and you're the only pony who knows about the fact I pulled off making it once before.”

It took Celestia a good thirty seconds to process her royal alchemist's request, but eventually steadied herself on her hooves and nodded. “Go ahead, Arca. I trust you.”

“Fantastic! This won't take long, I promise!” he catered across the makeshift bridge and poured a thick, red sap onto an indent in the pedestal. “There. This should absorb the latent energy and form a connection with harmony, becoming the second philosopher's stone. Now, I just have to say the words.” Arca lit his horn, magic touching the pedestal as orbs of light began to float down from the sky in a line, circling the pool and adding a sense of otherworldly power to the scene.

“Kame eth pord fo der, het ontes hiwch I sredie,
Woperedme thwi gamic, ulef orf tis refi!”

As he chanted, the orbs began to collect in the pool of water, shining ever brighter. As soon as Arca finished, there was a brilliant flash that was likely seen for miles, and when it cleared much had changed.

Gone was the pristine, clear water of the pool, and looking down the mountain, so too had the waterfalls vanished. In their place was some sort of liquid rainbow, likely a side effect from channeling all that mana at once to the mountain summit. It looked nice, Celestia had to admit. Meanwhile, Arca stood in awe as a small red stone with a spiral pattern floated above the pool of rainbow.

“I did it,” he breathed. “I did it! Celly, look!” snatching it up in his magic, he galloped toward Celestia with unending joy. “A real, physical, non-pony philosopher's stone! With this, we can try to free my boss and your sister from their imprisonment, and revolutionize alchem-AH!”

“Qua-ACK!”

It all happened so fast Arcane and Celestia needed a moment to process what happened. Arca had tripped over a pebble, of all things, and fell forward. That caused him to drop the philosopher's stone, sending it flying through the air… and right into the mouth of a random duck who happened to open its beak to quack at that exact instance. It choked on the stone, and then…

“Uh, Celly?”

“Yes, Arca?”

“...did that duck just eat my philosopher's stone? You know, the one I've spent 300 years planning to make?”

“I do believe it did.”

“Quack.”

“Stay out of this, you damn bird!” Arca got up and lunged at the mallard, but it took to the skies and glided down the mountain. “Wait, come back! Aw, mane…”

Celestia draped a wing over her subject. “Don't worry, Arca. It can't have gotten far.”

“Still, I need to search this mountain top to bottom for it now,” Arca lamented, but then he appeared to have an epiphany. “Hey… Celly, are you still giving out land to settlers?”

“Indeed I am.”

“I'm calling in that favor you owe me. I want this mountain and its surrounding lands. One of these days… I'm gonna get that damn duck. And not just any duck…

The Duck.”

“After that, I set up an inn and hired some of the best hunters to track down The Duck. They all failed, but word of my offered cash reward as well as the beauty of Rainbow Falls got the town founded and growing fairly quickly. So I kinda own the whole town, but Celestia owns it too, and she said I needed a local government, so here we are! That's the story of The Duck and how I founded the town. Any questions, Boss?”

“Quack.”

“OH, BACK FOR MORE, ARE YA? GET YER FEATHERY ASS BACK HERE, YA DAMN DUCK! YOUR MOTHER WAS A PIGEON!”

Meadowbrook smiled to herself as her son scrambled after his foe. As she pulled out her enchanted crystal to return to her hotel room instantly, she only had one thing to say:

“Yeah, that sounds like you, Arca. And I still love you anyway.”

“LOVE YOU TOO, BOSS!”
“Quack.”
“HOLD STILL! 5,758TH TIME'S THE CHARM! IT'S GOTTA BE!"
"Quack."
"I SAID HOLD STILL!”

Author's Note

My editor and I have decided that Celestia makes a dial-up noise when thinking in this flashback, and Arca's face becomes obscured by the YouTube buffering symbol. It makes it funnier.

Discount Floof

Juniper sat happily as the customers for the day perused the various potions on display, some coming up to drop off prescriptions for specific remedies to be picked up later, others choosing to purchase various concoctions for uses both recreational and utility. It was all routine, and she even had perfected the art of making change without looking. Over on the front wall of the shop was the reason for her unwavering happiness: an unassuming small chalkboard hanging on the wall with three words and a number on it.

Days without incident:
10

That was a new record for the year! Juniper had even circled the number to celebrate, and while part of her was bracing for the inevitable, she mostly wanted to enjoy the peace and quiet of the day.

Tap tap tap

Yes, the foal screaming and crying over not getting the potion that makes everything taste like candy for the next ten hours counted as peace and quiet. Compared to Arca's usual antics, an upset foal was nothing major noise-wise.

Tonk tonk tonk

There was, however, a strange, repetitive noise coming from the front wall. Some of the customers took notice of it, but paid it no mind as such things were commonplace at Alchemiracles. Juniper didn't even notice, having worked there for over five years.

“Come on, you son of a-”
WHAM

With no warning, a hammer crashed through the wall with a mighty crack, also smashing through the blackboard and leaving a gaping hole where the number 10 once was. The remaining circle now read that it was zero days since an incident.

“Well, THAT got the nail through, at least! Little too much oomph on that one though. Hi Juniper!” Arca poked his head through the hole, smiling warmly at his apprentice. “Hey, why are all the customers leaving? Come back!” He tried to pull his head back out, but realized pretty quickly his cranium was stuck in the wall. Still, he kept pulling to try and escape.

“Boss, just teleport out.”

“No! It's a matter of personal pride now! Almost…”

CRUNCH

“Oops.”

Juniper allowed an exasperated sigh to escape her. “Nice necklace, Boss. I hear drywall is ‘in’ right now.”

“Really? Seems cumbersome, but I never understood fashion.” Arca teleported a foot to his left so the wall he took with him could fall.

“Forget it, Boss.” Juniper held a hoof go her head to try and fend off the impending headache she knew this was going to cause. “Now, other than putting in a new doorway that nopony asked for or approved, what are you doing?”

“Oh, I'm setting up a marketing campaign! It should help bring in more customers to the shop so more ponies can benefit from my potions! I was trying to hang up this poster but the nail wouldn't go through the wall.” He levitated a poster into view. It had a stylized potion on it, in front of an aerial photo of Rainbow Falls. On it was written the text:

HEY MARES AND GENTLECOLTS!
ARE YOU BORED?
TIRED?
SLOWLY BEING TORN APART ON THE INSIDE BY A DEAD-END JOB AND/OR A HORRIFYING PARASITE?

BUY POTIONS AT ALCHEMIRACLES TODAY!

Juniper stared at the paper for a good minute before responding. “Uh… Boss?” Arca nodded happily, clearly proud to show off his latest idea. “Boss. Really?”

“Is it not good?” Arca tilted his head to one side, confused. “I made valid points there. We do have potions for depression, and leisure, and parasites…”

“Boss, it's the fact that ponies don't want to read about that.”

“So, what should I put? A picture of a third-degree burn? We have potions for that… or maybe…” He lit his horn with magic, summoning a rainbow-colored afro wig. “I could use this and pose as a happy clown for the poster!”

“Boss.”

“But wait! I have more! What if we got a billboard to draw attention to the shop and make everypony know it exists?”

“Boss!”

“Or we could-”

“ARCANE CATALYST!” Juniper didn't often yell like that at her boss, but calling his full name never failed to get his attention.

“What's the matter, Juniper?”

She gestured to the poster with her wing. “Boss, why do you even need a marketing campaign? We are not only the sole alchemy shop in town, we are the only one for miles! The next town over is thirty minutes by train. Everypony in town already shops here, and they CERTAINLY know about us.” she paused to a moment, then added, “Well, Emerald doesn't shop here, but she's the exception.”

“Who's Emerald?”

“Nopony you'd remember, she never bought anything from you.”

Arca shrugged. “Well, when you get to be my age you tend to only try and remember certain things! I remember my customers, that's why I made your first test as my apprentice buying a potion from me for one bit. A purchase is a purchase!”

“You know, Boss, I always wondered about that. Thanks for clearing it up. But we don't need a marketing campaign. Trust me.”

“Alright, alright, fine,” the stallion replied, rubbing the back of his head with a hoof in defeat. “I guess I shouldn't have launched my free sample strategy then, huh?”

Juniper felt her eyes widen in surprise. “Free samples? Boss, that's not a bad idea. If we used a potion everypony can use like an energy potion, we could have a lot more traffic through here. Maybe even a few from other towns? Where did you put the samples?”

“What do you mean?”

“The bottles of free potion, Boss. Where are they?” Juniper trotted back into the now empty shop, looking around. “Are they in the back?”

“Oh yeah, I forgot! I decided that filling all the little bottles would take too long, so I made one big vat and put it in an easily accessible place!” He held up a hoof to stop Juniper from replying. “And before you say, ‘oh, Boss, having multiple ponies drink from the same cauldron is unsanitary and it could be stolen’, I already thought of that! It's not in the vat anymore. I poured it into the town well, so that everypony in town can enjoy its effects!”

“You poured a potion into the main water supply and didn't tell anypony?!” Juniper nervously glanced at her mug, which she had drank water from earlier. “Uh… what potion was it?”

“A good one!” Arca beamed. “Now everypony can have long, luxurious manes! And it should be taking effect… right now, in fact!”

True to his word, the potion took effect. With a mighty FLOOF, all the fur and tails on everypony across town fell off, leaving them down to their bare skin aside from their manes.

“Whoops! I guess I added too many moth wings this time. Good thing I have a lab coat to keep me covered and warm! Want a spare, Juniper? You look like a naked mole rat with a wig, no offense.”

“Boss.”

“Yeah, Juniper?”

“Go to your room.”

“Aw, mane… okay.”

Author's Note

"Arca?" Meadowbrook asked, looking at her son through the doorway of her swampland home. "It's nearly sundown, what are you doing three hours from your house?"

"Juniper told me to go to my room. You didn't renovate it, I hope."

"Arca, she meant your room at your house, not your foalhood room. But it's late, come on in and have some tea. You can spend the night, you silly pony."

BEGONE TROT

On a good day, Alchemiracles remained standing. On a bad day, something happened that ensured the local salt bar had plenty of patrons. Today was a bad day. In fact, nopony could even see the shop without getting close, as Arca had cast a powerful illusion out to the Arca limit to make the shop disappear. Inside his shop though, he had just finished barricading the windows and doors. Twice.

Unfortunately, that did not seem to deter a certain mare, as a series of knocks rang out from the front door.

“Arcie-poo, come out and say hello to your marefriend~”

Razzle Dazzle stood on the front porch, her tail wagging excitedly. “I know you're in there, my love.”

“Sorry, we're closed today! Nopony is home! Uh… this is an automated message!”

Razzle pouted. “But I needed a potion from my Arcie-Warkie!”

An annoyed sigh came from the other side of the door. A light clip-clop of hooves could be heard trotting into the back of the shop, promptly returning amidst a grumble or two. With no warning, a saw poked through the wall, and began sawing out a small circle at face height. With a decent amount of force, an orange furred foreleg punched the circle out of the wall, and slapped a sticky note above the new hole that read ‘Fly-through window’ in hastily scribbled letters. Arca glared at Razzle through the hole in the wall.

“Ugh… Welcome to Alchemiracles, your one stop shop for potions, lotions, tinctures, and any other medicine you can think to drink. How can I help you?” Even the usual greeting Arca did seemed forced, as though he was trying to say ‘floof off and don't come back.’

“Oh, Arcie, it's TERRIBLE! I've fallen madly in love with a stallion and he won't return my affections!” Razzle held a hoof to her forehead in mock despair. “Please, don't you have potion to help me? Or maybe a kiss~” she puckered her lips and closed her eyes, leaning forward for a passionate lip-lock…

Only for Aca to shove a potion into her mouth. Except he put it in the wrong way, leaving her lips suctioned onto the rounded bottom of the bottle, and the top poking out towards the shop.

“There. One anti-love curse potion. Now go away.”

Razzle blinked once, twice, then spit the bottle out of her mouth. It clattered to the ground as she began whining. “But Arcie, it's not a curse!”

Arca glared at her through the hole. “That depends on who you ask.”

“What do you mean, my love?” Razzle pouted, giving her best ‘sad puppy dog’ eyes.

“Well, you pestering me sure seems like a curse to me! And I curse at you from time to time! Oh, and one other thing…” He motioned for Razzle to move closer. She gasped happily, closed her eyes, and leaned in for a kiss…

“I'M NOT YOUR COLTFRIEND!!”

Razzle was knocked backwards as Arca shouted at her through a megaphone behind the wall. Even her mane whipped about from the magical wind used to amplify his voice. This, naturally, led her to panic slightly. “Oh no, my mane! Arcie, quick, is it still okay? This is an emergency!” She ran her hooves around her mane in a rush as she looked left and right to see if anypony else was around.

Behind the wall, Arca sighed. “Ugh. Don't worry Jezebel, I still can't see them unless I focus really hard. If you keep moving your mane around, though, they might end up visible.”

Razzle breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank goodness. And my name is Razzle Dazzle now, Arcie. I'm a supermodel now~” She tried to strike a sexy pose to impress her crush, but was promptly clonked in the head with… “Arca, why did you just throw garlic at me?”

“Why didn't that work? Ugh, GO AWAY!!”

“That only works on vamponies, my silly future husband. You can't run me off with-” another small object bounced off her muzzle, causing her to scrunch her muzzle a bit. “...a condom? That won't work either, unless... are you finally propositioning me, love?”

“Go away, you floofing succupony! I didn't want anything 350 years ago, and I don't want anything now!” Arca pulled a lever on the inside of the shop labelled ‘no solicitors’, and the entire front porch sprung up at an angle and launched Razzle several feet away. Razzle quickly managed to get to her hooves. Arca took notice and lamented the situation aloud. “Aw, buck me, are you still there?”

Razzle's eyes shone like the sun itself, a smile of pure joy spreading across her face. “You really mean it? You want me to-”

“Not what I meant, Jezebel! Go tempt somepony else or something! This is what, your twenty-fifth different pony disguise? Surely you have somepony else to go have fun with!”

She steeled herself and shook a hoof at Alchemiracles. “Just you wait, Arcane Catalyst! You're the only stallion for me! I'll be back, you WILL marry me, and we WILL live happily ever after, forever and ever!” As she turned and walked away with an air of dignity and her head held high at having the last word, she added one last thing under her breath, that even somepony with an ear to her lips would struggle to hear.

“Because even though it used to be different, I really do love you… I have ever since you saved my life. And one of these days, I'll be yours and you'll be mine!”

Author's Note

She ships herself with Arca, thinks she's his OTP. But does anyone else?

Welcome to the Neighborhood

“Boss, what are you doing?”

“Counting the lab coats. I have a sneaking suspicion a certain somepony might try to take one before she skips town.”

“You mean Razzle Dazzle? What's her deal, anyway? Her attitude did a complete 180 when she saw you.”

Arca sighed, and rolled his eyes. “Her ‘deal’ is that she thinks that I'm the perfect husband for her, and that we were meant to be together like some kinda fairy tale. I thought I gave her the slip last time we met, but now she knows where my shop is, so expect-” A cheerful sounding jingle caught the pair's attention as a customer walked in the door. “Ah, crud. Shoulda seen that coming. Hello, Je-I mean, Miss Dazzle.”

That earned a giggle from the supermodel who had taken a standing spot in the small open area of the shop that wasn't an aisle. “Aw, did my Arcie miss me?”

Juniper looked at her boss, who smirked in response. “Of course I missed you, Razzie. Next time, you ought to stand still so I can aim better.” Shaking his head like a wet dog to reapply the naturally frazzled, poofy look to his mane that he kept toned down in polite company, Arca continued. “...And don't you have fans to attend to? Or anywhere else to be?”

Razzle giggled again, stepping forward. Arca stepped backwards in perfect sync, despite the mare being taller than the average pony. “Why, my silly little Arcie-warkie, I'm in the most important place I could hope to be! Well, aside from being wrapped in your loving embrace as you whisper sweet nothings and confessions of love into my ears, soft music playing in the background, then I nuzzle close and you-” Arca stomping his hoof on the ground thankfully led to Razzle snapping herself out of the daydream she had fallen into.

“Out with it, girl. I'd prefer if you not drain my time like a vampony drains blood.”

“I'm actually here as a customer today. You don't mind if I browse for a bit, do you?” The slender unicorn batted her eyelashes at a very unamused alchemist.

“Fine, I won't refuse a customer. Don't knock anything over, please. Juniper, I'll be in the lab… actually, YOU go make another batch of mana restoration potions. I'll take care of the customer this time.”

“Oh, hold on a moment,” Razzle interrupted the pair. She walked closer levitated a rolled-up poster to Juniper. “I apologize for leaving before giving you the autograph you came for. I was just so happy to see my Arcie-warkie~” she walked over, and Arca smiled. There was an imperceptible flash of magic as Razzle leaned against Arca, only for the cardboard cutout of Arca he had swapped with to fall over and make Razzle collapse to the floor.

“HA!” Arca poked his head from behind the counter. “You ain't gettin lovey-dovey with me today!”

Razzle deadpanned at the stallion as Juniper slowly slinked away into the lab. As soon as she was gone, though, that deadpan glare turned into a sly smile. “Well, now it's just the two of us.” She licked her lips, strutting forward and swaying her hips in a way she knew stallions liked. “You like? I'm all yours, Arcie~”

“Great. Again, please don't knock anything over. Potions for helping delusional ponies are on the third aisle on your left, top shelf, by the way.” He pulled out a clipboard and began scribbling on it. “Let's see… I need to order more bottles, and we're running low on hydra scales, but I'll have to get those myself…”

With the clipboard held close to his face so he could focus, Razzle crept closer until she was just behind the clipboard. Arca didn't notice, but there was a foot between their faces, at most. “What about your precious Razzie?”

“Oh, good idea!” Razzle's eyes lit up with joy until Arca continued. “Blue raspberry flavoring, I forgot we were out of that. I should probably get some heart's desire flowers, too… Hearts and Hooves day is coming soon, and they can be used for potions to improve relationships if you know how to do it right. Let's see, what else do I need…”

Razzle tore the clipboard away and lunged forward. “A kiss!” she closed her eyes as she entered a passionate embrace, holding her prize tight as she kissed with all the passion she could muster.

“...probably also need to brew some frost resist potions to deal with the cold snap planned for next week…” Upon hearing her beloved, she turned around and saw him counting the potions on the shelves. She turned, confused, back to what she had been kissing, only to find a log with the word ‘Arca’ painted on it.

“What? How?”

Arca smiled in response. “Years of preparation. Now, do you want to buy some potions, or pester me?”

“Very well. I will take some of… these,” she declared, grabbing a few potions designed to make the drinker sparkle as a cosmetic effect for a few hours. “You flavor them on request, correct?”

“Wow, good for you! You can actually read the sign on the counter that says that!” He gestured to a white sign with bold red lettering reading All potions can be flavored. Just ask! “No, seriously, Jez, good for you. Half the customers miss it.”

“Wait, seriously? How?”

“Beats me, it's pretty eye catching and obvious.”

“No matter. I would like these Arca flavored.”

“We don't carry that flavor. Your options are cherry, grape, strawberry, apple, blue raspberry, oat, floof off with the seduction, and daisy. Please, please pick the seventh one.”

“Well then maybe you should let me kiss you so I know which one tastes the most like you, Arcie. That way I can feel like I'm with you every time I take a dose~”

“Subtlety is not your strong suit, Jez. Cut it out.”

“Fine, fine.” Razzle paid for the potions, then reached behind her and produced a box with a bow on it. “Here, my love. A gift for you. No strings attached, no lies or tricks.”

Arca took the box in his magic and carefully opened it, revealing a pristine cake from the local bakery. “Wow. Alright, what's the catch? Is it spiked with love poison? Is it some kind of weird, edible contract? Did you add-”

“No dear, It's straight from the bakery in town. I just thought it would be neighborly to introduce myself before moving in next door.”

That got Arca to stop and do a double take. “DID YOU JUST SAY MOVE IN?!”

Author's Note

I keep meaning to thank Mew3 for the idea of a crazy love interest. My bad. Thanks so much, though!

Homeowners Against Association

“Look at her, moving her stuff into her new house. I knew building houses so close to market street was a bad idea. She's up to something, I know it!”

Juniper sat munching on popcorn while her boss stared out the window with his antique telescope. “Are you really stooping low enough to spy on another pony, boss? So she likes you, big deal. I'm sure you've had an obsessive stalker at least once.”

“Juniper, she's a succupony!”

“That's not nice, Boss. Unless you're serious, in which case you're delusional. Succuponies don't exist, they're an old mare's tale.”

“Says you.” Arca wiped the lens of the telescope and stared out the window again. “She may just be having those ponies help her move in right now, but she'll be over here soon enough to pester me about… SHE WINKED AT ME!” He ducked down, and pulled the shade closed with his magic. “She knows I was watching! She looked right at the window, and winked!”

An eye roll was Juniper's response. “Boss, I'm sure she just had something in her eye. I highly doubt she could see you looking out a window from the edge of the Arca Limit.”

“Fine, maybe she's slipping. It has been a few years since I ran into, and promptly ran away from her on a trip to Fillydelphia.” He raised the blind slightly and used his telescope again. “Yeah, you're right. She's turned around, and is talking to the movers. I guess she didn't notice me after SWEET MOTHER OF CELESTIA!” The ancient pony dropped back to the floor, blushing profusely and covering his head with his forelegs.

“Boss?! What happened?”

“I don't wanna talk about it! Go get some memory loss potion.”

“That doesn't exist, boss.”

“Sure it does! It's called hard cider.”

“No way in Tartarus am I letting you drink, Boss.”

“Phooey.” Arca got to his hooves, brushed himself off, and trotted towards the front door. “I have to go to the store and get something real quick. Hold down the fort, okay Juniper?”

She nodded. It was a good twenty minutes before her mentor returned, but when he did, she left him to his own devices and decided to try talking to Razzle again.

“Uh, excuse me, Miss Dazzle?”

Razzle turned, looking skeptical as Juniper approached, but her confused expression turned into a smile as the memory came back to her. “Ah, you're my precious Arcie's assistant, yes? Come on over, don't be shy.” she gestured for Juniper to come stand next to her.

“Uh, okay, I just wanted to ask you a question or two about… uh… you know, what's up with you and my boss. He seemed pretty against you being around the shop.” Juniper stepped out of the way to allow two earth ponies carrying a couch to walk by, then stepped back over.

“Oh, is that all? He's just playing around. He loves me, and one day we're going to get married! Isn't he such a dreamboat? Actually, don't answer that. He's mine, and that's all that matters. Sorry, erm… I apologize, I don't think I caught your name.”

“Juniper. Juniper Berry. And I know you already, miss Dazzle. You're one of the most famous supermodel actresses in Equestria! Which leads to my question… why Arca?”

“Well, it's nice to get to know you better, Juniper. You can call me Razzle, and I'm sure we'll be good friends with how often I'll be stopping by to visit my coltfriend. Maybe we can have a mare's day out, get makeovers and the like! A friend of my Arcie-warkie is a friend of mine!” She held out a hoof for Juniper to shake, and the pegasus returned the gesture. Then, Razzle continued. “As for why Arcane is the only stallion for me… he helped me get my life back on track when I wasn't too well off, before I became a star, and he didn't ask for anything. He supported me, gave me a place to stay, protected me from danger once or twice… how could I not fall in love with him? And now I'm one step closer to having him! Oh look, there he is now! HI, ARCIE-POO! I LOVE YOU!” She waved over at Alchemiracles, where Arca was on the porch roof, nailing wooden boards over the window of his room to prevent spying. He turned, glared at Razzle, and started hammering faster. “NICE FLANKS, BIG GUY!”

Even from the edge of the Arca Limit, both mares saw the lab coat wearing unicorn turn beet red. He reached into his coat, and tossed a potion on the ground, covering the shop in a massive smoke cloud. And the hammering got even faster.

“See?” Razzle asked, turning to Juniper for approval. “He loves me so much, and he's so smart, he hid the view from any other mares leering at him. He's perfect.”

Author's Note

"Ugh, buck me, that mare drives me nuts."

"Is that a request, love? I'd gladly-"

"I DID NOT MEAN THAT LITERALLY!"

Spa day

“Hello, Juniper! Ready for our mare's day out?”

Juniper was very excited as she opened the door to her house to greet her visitor. True to her word, the starlet known as Razzle Dazzle was taking her on a day trip to visit some of the more feminine facilities in town to get a makeover. Hanging out with one of her idols from the fashion industry and getting advice from said idol was a dream come true, although there was one thing she had to be sure of…

“Yeah, I'm ready. Just… you said we don't have to do anything if I don't want to, right?” She asked hesitantly.

“Of course! I wouldn't dream of making you uncomfortable,” Razzle replied.

Juniper held still for a moment, taking a deep breath. It was better to rip the bandage off now instead of later. “Can we not talk about my boss, then? It's obvious you like him, but I take time off so I don't have to think about him for a bit. He can be overwhelming at times.” She mentally braced herself for a refusal, but surprisingly, none came.

“Alright, I suppose that's fair. I am not a one-trick pony, after all, although I will admit I'm getting all dolled up for him. I'll just ask you one question, then, so I don't end up causing you or my Arcie trouble down the line. Has he perfected… THAT potion yet, or should I not mention it?”

Juniper responded instinctively. “No, don't bring it up, ever. Even when we stay tight-lipped about it, it still happens every few months.”

“Duly noted. Now, let's go get pampered!”

The Rainbow Falls luxury spa was always one to have frequent traffic. Most appointments needed to be scheduled ahead of time, but there was always a free space set aside each day in case a celebrity, noble, or other important pony showed up. Juniper was also allowed to use it as long as she had a convincing story as to what her boss did that day. Razzle's importance got them in this time, though.

As Juniper sighed into her massage table, expert masseuses worked out the kinks in her wings, the knots in her back, and the stiffness in her joints. It felt good. No, it felt amazing, far higher quality than you could get in an average town. But Rainbow Falls was a popular tourist hotspot, so the best of the best were needed. Juniper and Razzle had already been through the hot tub, hooficures, chiropractor, and manestyling the spa provided, and this was regrettably the last stop of the day. Razzle was staring into a small mirror held aloft in her magic, mumbling “he deserves prettier” to herself.

Juniper broke the silence, turning to face her newest friend. They had hit it off rather well, so it seemed like a good a time as any to ask. “So Razzle, what's it like being a supermodel? What do you do everyday?”

Razzle smiled at that, although it might have been her masseuse working out a particularly tough knot in her hind legs. “Most of the time it's usually a simple visit to location, then posing for the camera while the staff work to take photos. I've already made agreements with the local photographers to have most of my shoots in Rainbow Falls. Speaking of my photos, I've got quite a few saucy ones saved for a certain somepony, but nothing too risque. Pageants are a bit different, as are fashion shows, as I need to hit the catwalk.”

“How do you manage all those ponies staring at you?”

“Do you really want to know?” Razzle waited for Juniper to nod in approval. “I pretend my Arcie-Warkie is watching me. When he does finally accept me, I'm going to make his jaw hit the floor with how well I can strut it! But enough of that, you didn't want to talk about him too much.” She took a moment to stretch her neck, having become stiff from lack of movement. “My favorite thing to do is charity work, though. Especially little foals, I love them. Helping them understand that they are attractive, inside and out, is an experience I always treasure.”

“That might be the best thing I've heard all month, Razzle. I like you.”

The sun was already setting as the pair left the spa and headed down restaurant row for a bite to eat. Razzle had also put a decorative bow in her mane that was usually used for presents. It was a good thing, too, as they saw Arcane sitting alone at a table inside the diner. He didn't notice them from behind the window as they approached, and Juniper knew arguing for another place to eat would be futile.

“Oh, Arcie~ I have a gift for you, and the gift.. is… me?” Razzle slowed and then stopped cold as a mare she'd never seen before walked into view, sat down next to Arca, and the two embraced in a hug. “Who- who is-”

And then the mare kissed Arca on the cheek.

“HOW DARE SHE?! I'M GOING IN THERE AND GIVING THAT FLOOZY A PIECE OF MY MIND!”

Juniper, having recognized the mystery mare, galloped in after Razzle to keep damage to a minimum.

Author's Note

“Thank you for taking me out to dinner for my birthday, Arca. I couldn't ask for a better son, adopted or otherwise.”

“Boss, cut it out! You know I don't like kisses too much… but I love you anyway.”

“I love you too, Arca. Today has been perfect, nothing could possibly ruin it.”

Boss-in-Law

The Riverside Diner was always a popular hangout for the residents of the town. Being nestled into a bend in one of the winding rainbow streams that flowed through town, it offered a spectacular view to the patrons of the town who wanted to watch ponies meander about market square.

Mage Meadowbrook found this view enjoyable as she sat across from Arca. The waitress was just arriving with their meals. A delicious looking salad for her, and…

“Um, Arca?”

“Yeah, Boss?”

“Why did the waitress bring an extra bread basket? I thought you ordered ‘the usual’.”

“This is ‘the usual’, Boss. I love the bread here.” He glanced at the half-finished bread basket that had been brought to the table for them to munch on while looking over the menu. “You gonna eat that?”

“No, Arca,” Meadow sighed. “You can have it.”

“Woohoo! Oh, and I almost forgot, I got your birthday present right here!” Arca reached into his lab coat and pulled out a small jewelry box, not unlike those used to hold wedding rings. “The jewelry store in town wouldn't let me in, so I had to ask Celestia for help, but I think you'll really love this-”

“DON'T YOU DARE, ARCIE!”

“-Impending migraine. Hello, Razzle.”

The unicorn starlet stormed up to the Alchemist, fuming mad. “I can't believe you right now! About to pop the question to this two-bit, tail-lifting hussy-”

“Hey!”

Razzle ignored Meadowbrook and continued. “-when I'm right here! And you thought I wouldn't catch you cheating on me! Give me this,” she swiped the box and opened it, levitating out a small heart-shaped locket. She read the words engraved on it. “I love you… Mom? Wait…” she turned and looked at the mare sitting with Arca. “Are you, by any chance, Arcane's adopted mother, Mage Meadowbrook?”

“Yes, I am,” she replied with an angry glare. “And I am most certainly NOT a ‘two bit tail lifting hussy’ as you called me.”

Arca snatched the locket back and passed it to Meadowbrook. “Happy birthday, Mom,” he began, making sure to emphasize the relationship he had with Meadow. “I arranged for us to get our photos taken at the photography studio next week so you have something to put in there.”

“Oh, Arcane, it's lovely, but you already got me a better present.”

“What? No, last I checked that was the only thing I got this year…”

“Arca. She may be a tad rude, but why didn't you tell me you had a marefriend?”

“W-what?!”

“And such a beautiful one, too. Come over here, girl. Sit down, don't be shy. What's your name?” She gestured to the empty seat next to Arca. “Have a seat with your coltfriend.”

Arcane suddenly looked very stressed. “Boss, she's not my-”

“Oh, I'd love to! And I'm sorry for calling you that, I just didn't want my little Arcie-warkie ending up with the wrong mare.” She plopped down on the seat next to Arca, and leaned over so she could rub up against him like an affectionate cat. “Love you, stud~”

Arca glared at her. “I. Am. Eating.”

“Oh, that's right!” She reached down and picked up a slice in her teeth, holding it out to Arca in preparation for a kiss. “Say ah~”

“Waitress! More bread, please! Please?”

Meadow quieted Arca with a wave of her hoof. “So, how did you two meet?”

Arca sighed. “Welp, this story always makes ponies tear up, but since I've heard it before…” he lit his horn, and in a flash he summoned an onion. “Come on, work right. Why aren't I crying yet?”

Razzle took a knife off the table and chopped the onion in half. “You have to do this, love.”

“Oh, okay!” Arca picked up the two halves and shoved them in his eyes. “So how is this gonna- AAAAAAAAA” He galloped off, crashing into several things as he ran, leaving the two mares alone. Neither were fazed in the slightest, although Razzle did need to pick herself up off the ground.

“So, how'd you meet?” Meadowbrook leaned on her hooves, grinning. “I never thought Arca would find a mare that would tolerate his antics.”

“Well, he saved my life. And since then, I've been his marefriend!”

“Oh? Care to elaborate?”

Razzle took a bite of the bread. “Ah, I remember it like it was yesterday…

“My father, he was a wicked stallion. He held me away from the world and hurt me in ways I don't want to talk about. He… I…” Razzle teared up a bit, wiping her eyes with a hoof. “I met my Arcie during one of my escape attempts. He was gathering rare ingredients and didn't know anypony lived nearby. When my father came, Arca… he saved me. He jumped in the way of a spell meant for me, and bounced it back at my father. And he picked me up, and galloped off.”

“So he foalnapped you? It sounds like he had a good reason, though.”

“He certainly did! When my father sent some of his servants after me, as he had access to that kind of influence, Arca beat off all of them and helped me escape his zone of influence for good. He kept me safe, got me back on my hooves, gave me food, and shelter, and finances, and helped me get my life back on track. I became a model and worked to help other ponies in trouble like I was. But since then, my precious Arcie… he's always been in my mind. Always in my heart. I love him. I absolutely, positively love him. And he loves me, so much that one day he's going to come up to me in a fancy suit and profess his love for me~”

With no warning, Arca fell through the roof with his mane slicked back, a fancy bow tie around his neck, a fancy tuxedo draped over his lab coat, emitting the scent of expensive cologne and holding a bouquet of roses in his mouth.

“A-Arcie! Oh my Celestia, you DO care!”

Meadowbrook brushed some debris out of her mane and smiled. “He's such a gentlestallion, isn't he? You have my blessing, Razzle, but don't mess with him or you'll have me to deal with. I'll leave you two lovebirds alone! See you later, Arca, take care! And thank you for the birthday dinner. This was the best present you could have gotten me!”

As she trotted off, and Razzle hugged her ‘coltfriend’, Arca spat out the roses and had one thing to say:

“Damn it, I missed that stupid bird AGAIN!”

Author's Note

Whoa, Arca went off on quite the adventure in a short span of time? Wanna know hat he got up to? Come back next chapter.

Meanwhile

“I assure you two, once you hear things my way, your perspective on this will change. This is for the good of the town, and having you as support will greatly boost my- OUR odds of putting that mad stallion in prison for the rest of his life!” Emerald let loose an evil laugh but quickly caught herself. Having the mayor of the town and that pesky stallion's apprentice be on her side when she brings Arca to justice before princess Celestia (and free up a great view for her store) would be quite the boon. If this dinner didn't sway his mind, she thought, she would use mind control again. But she didn't want to do such a thing in public.

“I'm still not sure, miss Essence, but I do appreciate you taking me to dinner at my favorite diner.” Silver had bags under his eyes, age and exhaustion working together to make him look a like a wreck. However, his eyes brightened as he saw that the dessert display was full of gooey, fluffy confections drenched in liquid chocolate. Messy, but delicious.

“Emerald, I really have to check on my boss, I think I saw him in here.” Juniper had been hastily added to the group at Emerald's insistence, as she wanted Juniper in her side as well, but the pegasus was more concerned with Arca's whereabouts.

“Ah, Silver!” The stallion at the counter greeted him like an old friend. “I see you brought friends. Table for three?”

Suddenly from the back of the diner, a conversation reached their ears. “So how is this gonna- AAAAAAAAA!”

With no warning, a screaming Arcane Catalyst came barreling down the aisle towards the entrance, two halves of an onion pressed into his eyes as he screamed in pain. He bowled a few customers over as he charged, crashed through the dessert display, and accidentally rammed Emerald head-on. She flipped into the air and got stuck to Arca's back from the sticky molten chocolate, and the impromptu foalnapping shattered the glass door on his way out.

“Er… table for two, Silver?”

Juniper shook her head. “I have to go deal with that. Maybe next time.” She spread her wings and followed the carnage.

“Uh… table for one, Silver?”

“Table for none. I'm going to the salt bar.”

“Can I come?”

Nopony so much as gave the noise a second glance after checking to confirm that yes, the screaming projectile that just burst out of the Riverside Diner was who they thought it was. Had it been anything else, mass panic would have ensued, but with Arca it was better to just ride it out and try not to get caught in the crossfire. Thus, Emerald's cries to stop the maniac she was glued to fell on deaf ears, as nopony in their right mind would attempt that. They simply watched as the pair charged towards the market district, hoping that damage would be minimal. A few cheered, as there were bets on the next fiasco.

Emerald, though, was not happy. She had experienced just about enough of Arca, and prepared a very powerful teleport spell that required absolute concentration to pull off, so she could get loose and call the guards to-

“Glitter glue! Get your glitter glue here, folks… oh sweet mother of Celestia, hide!” The salespony dove out of the way as Arca unwittingly carried Emerald into the cart full of glitter glue, disrupting her concentration and making the pair even stickier.

“Steel wool! Toughest you'll ever see, gets stains out like-” POW! Arca sped through the cart, reducing it to splinters and earning his lab coat and his passenger several dozen small cuts on the steel wool.

“Lemon juice, fresh lemon juice! Get it while it's fresh!” Emerald's screams could be heard across town as the acidic fruit juice seeped into her tiny cuts, Arca being unaffected as his lab coat took the hit of the steel wool.

A lone stallion pulled his cart towards the market square as he passed Emerald's jewelry store. “Finally, it took ages, but I think I finally found a town where I can sell my cabbages in peace and quiet.”

His joy lasted exactly five seconds as a large screaming something sped into his cabbage cart, splitting it in two as each half flew somewhere from the momentum. The stallion had only two words to cry out: “MY CABBAGES!”

Emerald, her ride finally over, had been knocked loose when the chocolate and glitter glue hardened and broke off from hitting the cabbage cart. She careened through a flyer for the Arca insurance she still refused to buy, shattered her window, and ended up breaking her fall on a fancy 20,000 bit tiara in front of a wealthy family who was considering buying it.

Arca flew through a rainbow waterfall, the force of the liquid knocking the chocolate and glitter glue off in one go. With that gone, he landed in a hollow wooden bowl large enough to hold him. He felt it shaking as he finally cleared his eyes, then looked at the sign of the lot he was in:
Sling Shot's Plot Convenient Catapults.

“Oh, floof. Not this againnnnnnn!”

“So why exactly did you put a tuxedo on a cloud of expensive cologne, Feather?” The mare in question, a famous fashion designer, giggled in response. The reporters gasped. “You finally made a one size fits all tuxedo?!”

She moved to answer yes, but an orange blur erupted through the cloud, somehow taking the tux with it. “...what was that?”

Higher up in the sky, Arca noticed something and flailed his legs to grab it. The Duck, flying high in the sky, was millimeters out of his reach. As Arca fell back towards the diner, he heard it.

“Quack.”

“Hey, same to you, jerk!” Arcane hollered back at the waterfowl.

Continuing his return trip to terra firma, he passed a quarreling pegasus couple on a cloud. “Fine, Syrup! If you won't go out with me, then I don't need this bouquet or this mane gel!” The stallion tossed both behind him, and Arca got the flowers stuck in his mouth and the gel in his mane in the moments before crashing back into the diner.

And so, Arca fell through the roof with his mane slicked back, a fancy bow tie around his neck, a fancy tuxedo draped over his lab coat, emitting the scent of expensive cologne and holding a bouquet of roses in his mouth. Meadowbrook gave Razzle her blessing thinking her little Arca had planned it all, and as Razzle nuzzled up against him he spat out the roses and had only one thing to say:

“Damn it, I missed that stupid bird AGAIN!”

Author's Note

"Here's your bill for dinner, and the damages, Arcane. Do you need a to-go box?"

"I'd prefer a go-away box for miss clingy here."

Memo to the Founder

Juniper and Arca sat at the train station of Rainbow Falls rather patiently as they awaited the next passenger train to Manehattan, where the alchemy guild was located. Arca was occupying himself by gnawing on one of his mixing rods like a dog, while Juniper was watching ponies move to and fro with various tools and supplies.

“So Boss, why are we dropping everything and rushing to the guild as fast as we can? You're staying surprisingly tight-lipped about it.”

Arca paused his idle chewing on the wooden utensil and shrugged. “I personally couldn’t say, Juniper. But when the guild calls an emergency meeting of the board of directors, it usually means it's something stressful. And when it's something stressful…”

Something clicked in her head, and Juniper finished the thought. “I have to be the therapy pony. I wondered where my service animal vest went. You must have packed it.”

“Yup. It looks like the train won't be here for a while, want something to read?” He hoofed over a scroll marked ‘important, read asap’ dated a few months ago. It was still sealed. “I couldn't find ‘asap’ in the library, so I'll have to ask when we get there, but maybe you can read that.”

Juniper quickly tore open the scroll. “Boss, this isn't just any letter, this is…”

The list of things Arca shouldn't do at the guild

-Unfortunately, as Arcane outranks the board as the founder, he can edit this list at any time. Celestia help us all.
~~-Finally! Do you know how many lists I can't edit?~~
-Many, we are sure. But please view this as a list of guidelines, we don't want the staff complaining again.
-At least we can cross him out.
-Any mixing vats are not considered bongos when flipped upside down.
-There are no games of Marenopoly allowed on campus, not after the ‘Free parking’ incident.
-Arca is not allowed to use a yo-yo indoors, or within 50 feet of other ponies while on campus.
-Modern colloquialisms are advised against after Arca literally tried to make money grow on trees.
~~-I got it to work, though!~~
-The bit tree is considered property of the crown and may be harvested only with two or more currently active guards present.
-Or Celestia herself.
-Not allowed to drink sand viper venom in public. Yes we know Arca likes it, but it scares ponies.
-There is no annual Alchemy Guild musical.
-Or ‘Alchemy: The Musical’, despite Arca's claims.
~~-Will you guys even look at the script? Please?~~
-Any sightings of The Duck are to be kept secret, and Arca is to be moved far away from the main building immediately.
-Mage Meadowbrook may be an honorary member of the board of directors, but she does not outrank Arca.
-Nor is the board obligated to call her ‘Boss’ or ‘Mom’.
-Arca is not allowed in the archives without supervision by at least one scribe. He does not understand that first editions are to be handled with more care than copies, except for Mage Meadowbrook's works, which he can be left alone with.
-Yes, Celestia donates to the research fund every year. No, Arca may not funnel all of it into any of the following: The Duck research, More s'plodey explosives, ‘spy gadgets’, attempts to ~~make the largest bowl of cereal~~ break ANY record, Celestia's birthday present, movie night, and finding a way to contact Dr. [data redacted] at the [data redacted] foundation again. Once was enough.
-Arca is not allowed to ‘have the intern handle it’.
-Mareiachi is not appropriate mood music for big presentations.
-Any presentations made by Arca that are done in macaroni art, crayon, or newspaper collages are to be redone for half credit.
~~-Do you really grade them? Where's my report card?~~
-No, we don't actually grade them.
-"Tossing random shit in a vat and hoping it does something 101” is not, will not be, and has never been a course we offer.
-And even if we did, Arca couldn't be trusted to teach it.
-No galloping in the halls!
-Especially if Mr. Knickaid is present, he will lecture anypony about that.
-Lab coats are required attire in certain areas of the guild hall.
~~-And you're telling the immortal who is never seen without a lab coat this rule… why?~~
-Fair point, Guild Master Arca.
-No challenging any of the guild apprentices to make a working philosopher's stone. Celestia made future attempts illegal after The Duck, two stones is enough.
-'Performing a target clear' is not the correct way to remove any obstacle in the building. Mainly because a 'target clear' is just a body slam.
~~-You gotta shout it! "TARGET... CLEAR!"~~
-Guild apprentices may be challenged to ‘unlabeled potion roulette’ only if they sign a liability waiver, and only if none of the potions are truly harmful.
-Arca is not allowed to have a staring contest with his statue celebrating his founding of the guild. Or any statue.
~~-I swear they move slightly!~~
-Arca's wild stories are not to be taken with a grain of salt, as they often hold some truth behind them. We recommend at least a tablespoon of salt instead, possibly a quarter cup.
-No, seriously, get plastered before listening to Arca's stranger stories, it's the only way they make sense.
~~-It's not my fault you guys don't have the experience I do!~~
-Arca may not brag about his age, as he is legally 30 forever. So technically we have more experience, on paper at least.

Author's Note

Can any of you spot the very subtle references to Pokemon Ranger: Shadows of Almia I put in? There are 2, because I loved that game.

Horsebando

Hearts and Hooves day was always a special time in Rainbow falls, and this year, for most of the residents, it was extra special.

Arca was out of town on business, which meant his usual attempts at making the holiday better were nowhere to be seen. And as fun as those wild and unpredictable shenanigans were, having a day of peace and quiet with a loved one was a welcome change. The news had reached everypony in town… except one.

“Try to make you understand… wow, that official Hearts and Hooves day song the Crystal Empire came up with is really catchy! Although I swear I heard somepony yelling about it from Canterlot… probably just my imagination.” Razzle Dazzle hummed the rest of the song to herself as she cantered towards Alchemiracles with a spring in her step, hoping that this year she'd finally have her beloved ‘Arcie-warkie’. She even had a bouquet with her, but not just any old bouquet of flowers. The flowers she was carrying each had powerful alchemical properties to them, making them rare ingredients she knew her destined love would greatly appreciate.

That was one more thing she loved about Arcane: In a world where the rich lived in opulent mansions and wasted their bits on extravagant things like fine wine and rare collectibles, Arca was content to live in a small flat above his shop and cared very little for expensive gifts. It made him easy to buy for, too.

Finally reaching the front door, she knocked on it with her hoof a few times. “Arcie? It's your very special somepony! Come on out and give me a kiss, and I'll give you these rare ingredients I collected for you! And maybe something extra, too~” She stood still and waited patiently for a response. When none came, she knocked again, trying to bargain a bit. “I'll settle for a movie!”

Still nothing. She tried a deep voice this time, trying to sound like a stallion. “Uh.. delivery for Arcane Catalyst!”

And of course, nothing. That tends to happen when nopony is home. Fed up, she lit her horn, and teleported herself to the other side of the door. “ARCIE! GET YOUR FLANK OVER HERE AND LOVE ME! I- huh?” Turning around to look for the stallion, she took notice of a piece of paper stuck to the inside of the door.

Out for the week on an emergency guild meeting!
-Arca

First Razzle deadpanned at the sight, then facehooved. She chuckled to herself, muttering, “Only you, my love. Only you would put the notice on the wrong side of the door, and I bet the town already knows you're gone. You're always playing hard to get, aren't you? The Royal Alchemy guild, though… I know where that is. Maybe it's time for a field trip.”

Another flash and she warped out of the shop. Moments later, she appeared inside, and grabbed a spare lab coat from the coat rack in the lab, inhaling her crush's scent. “Mmmm...Right after I take this for my life-sized Arca pillow.”

“Bunsen.”

“Arcane. I wish our meeting could be under better terms, but we have quite the situation right now. As soon as the rest of the board gets here tomorrow, we can begin and… uh… why are you twitching?”

“Somepony just moved something in my lab without permission. Oh sweet Celestia, I feel violated. I think I need to go lay down.”

The light in Razzle's bedroom clicked on as the mare trotted in with her prize, carrying it over to the bed like a priceless treasure. Laying in bed was a life-size plushie of Arcane she had commissioned a few years back, and she very carefully pulled the lab coat onto it before kissing it on the horn. “One day… one day I'm not gonna need a plush version of my Arcie-poo to fall asleep, because the real one will be there for me instead!”

Razzle quickly packed her things and headed out of her house for the train station to catch the next express train towards her beloved. However, on the way, she was interrupted.

“Ah, Miss Razzle Dazzle, correct? How are you doing?”

“Very busy, no time for autographs.” She gave the pony a glare as her interruption fell in step beside her. “You aren't going to leave me be, are you?”

Emerald Essence shook her head. “I just wanted to tell you about the prices at my jewlery store. Where are you going, anyway? I heard you moved into town.”

“If you must know, the stallion I'm going to marry needs my emotional support at his place of business.”

“Ooh, engaged, are we? Well then, why not show up with a gorgeous necklace to show off for him? Something that says ‘I am sexy, and it is all for you’?”

“No thank you, miss. My lover doesn't like jewelry in the lab.” Razzle quickly bought a ticket and began waiting for the train.

Emerald recoiled a bit at such a swift rejection.“Not in the lab? What, are you dating that twit, Arcane Catalyst? What a nuisance he is to this town! He couldn't even have an ugly, smelly Yak as a marefriend for a week before she'd run off screaming! Ahahaha! Ha ha… ha… you're not laughing.”

“That's because I've been his marefriend for years. Now stop insulting my coltfriend or run away. But know this: If I ever hear you bad mouthing my precious Arcane again, I'll make sure you regret it.”

Emerald huffed, standing tall against her new rival. “Fine! I will leave for now, miss Dazzle, but know that I am going to drive that stallion out of town, and if you get in my way I'll ruin you.”

“Game on.” Razzle kept an eye on Emerald as the train pulled up and she leaped on with her suitcase. “Don't fret, my beloved! Your destined betrothed speeds to your side!” As the train sped off into the distance, Razzle made a promise to keep her love safe from Emerald, and began penning a few letters to some of her contacts, to learn more about the mare...

Author's Note

Happy crippling loneliness day! Please validate me so I don't feel like a complete and utter waste of space.

Old, Wise, and Crazy

“This emergency meeting of the Royal Alchemy Guild will now come to order!” Bunsen Burner, chairpony of the Guild and one of the older ponies in the room, banged the table he was sitting at in the conference hall with his hoof. The ponies present all snapped to attention, looking at their leader. Well, all aside for one. “Arcane, I would appreciate it if you didn't brew potions using your portable alchemy kit during the meeting.”

“I'm paying attention, though.”

“Be that as it may, it's still unprofessional. What if Princess Celestia walked in here? What would she say?”

Arca shrugged. “‘Hello’, if I had to wager a guess. Juniper, pass me that bag of tea leaves.” His apprentice just rolled her eyes and hoofed him the requested ingredient.

“Ugh, forget it. We don't have time for this,” Bunsen lamented. “The reason I've called you all here today is because one of our guild members has been arrested.” Gasps and murmurs reverberated among the twenty ponies present.

“Did he steal a carriage or something?”

“No, Arcane. Much worse. I have the reports right here,” the chairpony explained, pulling out a large binder. “According to this, thirty days ago, several dozen residents of Baltimare began complaining of migraines and later on had to be restrained due to hallucinations. They all recovered, but the investigation found that they all had purchased a sleep aid from a local alchemist. She's currently in custody and awaiting trial, but she insists that she did nothing wrong and that she doesn't know why her potions did what they did. She also suffered the same effects, despite not drinking the potion, which has the court thinking she was using some other ingredient to cause this. So, Celestia has sent us a copy of her recipe to see just what, if anything, is out of place.”

Around the table, members of the board spoke up in turn. “That's horrible!” “She's a disgrace to the guild.” “Seems like an open and shut case.” “What could drive somepony to do that?” “Oh, geez. Surehoof's really backed himself into a corner this time…”

All eyes focused on Arca as he added that last comment, noticing that he had picked up a Detective Surehoof comic and wasn't paying attention anymore.

“Arca!”

“Huh? Yeah?” He looked up, focusing back on Bunsen. “You done with all the yammering? I got bored after you said all the victims recovered since that means everything is fine now, yeah?”

Bunsen would have slammed his forehead into the table at that remark years ago, but he was used to it by now. “No, Arca, we have to figure out what's wrong with this formula. Since I prepared the ingredients ahead of time, can we use your alchemy kit?”

“Sure! This one's in use, though, so we'll have to use my spare!” Arca summoned an identical portable alchemy kit, and started setting up. “Juniper, let's get cooking! Gimmie that recipe.” Snatching a copy, Arca began passing Juniper the ingredients. “Juniper, why don't you show these guys how good at alchemy you are these days? I think I can trust you with this. Follow that recipe, and make me proud!”

“You got it, Boss!” Juniper hopped to attention and readied herself for the impromptu test. She was examining a formula in front of some of the most influential alchemists in the guild, she couldn’t afford to mess up! Under the watchful eyes of her mentor, she announced each part of the recipe as she added it in, adjusted for making a single dose. “Two cups of water. Bring to a boil, add chopped sophor shroom.” She reached over and grabbed the ingredient with her hoof, mixing it in. “Three drops of milk, a pinch of sloth fur, one fresh nightblossom flower-”

“Waaaaaiiiiiiiit!” Her hoof was stopped by a magical field as she reached for the nightblossom. Arca was the culprit. “You don’t have magic, so let me get that one,” he began, levitating the flower into the mixture. “You have to exercise a lot of caution around those. Nightblossoms are toxic!”

Bunsen slammed his hoof on the table, interrupting Juniper’s response. “That’s preposterous! I’ve had nightblossom tea every night for the past twenty years and suffered no ill effects! How could a flower used in teas and medicines the world over be toxic without anypony noticing?!”

Arcane cast Bunsen a confused glance. “What are you talking about, they’ve been toxic since their discovery and… oooh. I get it. You’ve never handled a fresh nightblossom, have you?”

“I don’t see what the freshness of it has to do with anything.”

“Question time, then! Bunsen, how are nightblossoms farmed?”

“Simple, they are farmed in the mountains of Neighpon by unicorns, dried, and shipped out all over the world as an uncommon ingredient. Why?”

Arca grinned a smile that implied he knew more than Bunsen did, which was likely true. “And do you know WHY they are farmed exclusively by unicorns?” Upon hearing a few responses of ‘no’ from those present, he continued. “When nightblossom flowers were first discovered 800 years ago, they were called nightmare blossoms. This is because the fresh flowers secrete a neurotoxin as a defense against anything eating the flowers. It causes migraine headaches, and vivid, often terrifying, hallucinations, and it spreads on contact with the flower. They last for a few days as it gets flushed from your system. The flowers were farmed exclusively by unicorns because they are the only tribe with magic to safely lift them. I guess that knowledge got lost over the years.”

“Wait, did you say migraines and hallucinations? As in, the unforeseen side effects we’re discussing?”

Arca nodded furiously. “Yeah, crazy coincidence, right? Drying them or boiling them like in this potion renders the poison inert, so they are almost always dried before being shipped out. Fresh ones have to be boiled, like we just did. Now, if we had a restoria root, adding that could theoretically reactivate the poison and since none of you even knew the flowers were toxic, it’d be case closed, total accident!”

Juniper looked at the recipie, then Arcane, then the ponies gathered, and back to the recipe. “Well, Boss, guess what the next ingredient is.”

“Is it cheese?” Arca asked, hope sparkling in his eyes. “More specifically of the nacho variety?”

“Nope. Restoria root.”

“Aw… Well, you can do that on your own, then. Keep going, Juniper! We’ll find out what’s wrong with this potion yet!”

And with that, the board of directors fulfilled their quota of simultaneous facehooves for the meeting.

“Well, that went well,” Juniper remarked as she and her mentor trotted through the guild’s gardens. “Who would have thought that such a common item held a secret danger like that? I guess we should always be careful what we use around the house and how we use it.”

“I couldn’t have said it better myself, Juniper. And I’m glad that poor alchemist mare is going to be released and compensated for the trouble. Honestly, who lost the warning label on those things a few hundred years ago!? Now the Nieghponese unicorns won’t let other tribes farm those flowers for ‘tradition’, but I bet that’ll change when they get reminded how dangerous those are! Seriously, if I had touched it, I’d be hallucinating of horrible creatures approaching right now!”

“Arcie-warkie! I came to find you at your guild since you weren’t home to ask me out for Hearts and Hooves day! I missed you, my love~”

“See, Juniper? Now I need to go brew an antidote. There goes my afternoon.”

Author's Note

"Wait, Arcie, come back!"

"Sweet Celestia, the hallucinations talk! How am I going to ignore them so they go away now?"

Persistence Pays Off

“Arcie-poo! How could you run off on me like that?!” Razzle bemoaned her crush. “I had to spend Hearts and Hooves day all alone because you didn't tell me you were leaving!”

“Oh, sorry, Jez- I mean Razzle,” the stallion quickly corrected himself. “*ahem*. Hey Razzle, I'm going to my guild for an important meeting. Please don't follow me or do creepy stalker stuff while I'm gone.”

“But I love you!” Razzle pounced forward to hug Arca, and for once he was too slow to react, being swept up in a loving embrace. “And you love me, admit it!”

“Let go!”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Razzle, I said LET GO!”

“Not until you get your daily dose of cuddles from your marefriend!”

“We are not dating!” Arca squirmed under her grip. Razzle held fast, nuzzling his cheek affectionately.

“So you want me to be your fiance, then? Oh Arcie, if you're seriously ready to take that step, I'd be nothing less than overjoyed!”

“Are you seriously that crazy, Razzle?!”

“Yes. Crazy for you~” Razzle leaned in and kissed Arca on the cheek, trying to make it as affectionate as possible to convey how much she loved him. It lasted all of three seconds as Arca remembered his magic and teleported out of her grip, dashing off towards the main building. “Oh, phooey. But I kissed him! I actually got to kiss him! I wonder if I can get another…”

Thankfully, some apprentices had seen their guildmaster coming, so they were able to clear everypony away from the doors before Arca slammed into them with enough force to swing the ornate entrance wide open. He barely even flinched from the impact as he kept running, with Razzle in hot pursuit.

“Get back here, lover boy! Do you know what most of my fans would give for a chance to snuggle with me?” The supermodel gracefully leaped over a water spill as Arca toppled over a mop bucket to try and delay her.

“I know what you'd charge them, and that's the issue!” Arca knocked on an office door as he sprinted by it. “Bunsen! I need you for a thing!”

A few moments later, Bunsen Burner opened his office door with a grouchy expression. “Arcane, as much as I hate to say it, I'm very busy and- ”

WHAM! Razzle slammed face first into the door, knocking it off its hinges and sending Bunsen toppling backwards into an unstoppable slide along the floor… straight into the mare's restroom down the hall. By the sounds of things, nopony was happy with that.

Finally, Arca flung a door open and dove in, finding himself exactly where he wanted to be: a laboratory. The various equipment made him feel right at home, and he couldn't help but slow his pace to a slow trot as he carefully maneuvered among it. That was, until Razzle came rushing in, skidding to a halt upon noticing her prize had accidentally cornered himself. “Gotcha, big guy. Ready to give up?”

Noting the lack of other ponies in the room, Arcane replied with a sly grin. “Oh, Jezebel. Or Razzle, or whatever you want me to call you. Did you really follow me all the way here?”

“I'd follow you to the end of Equestria, my love.” she stepped closer, her breath shifting Arca's unkempt mane ever so slightly.

“Well, I suppose such effort should be… given something to show for it.” Arca put a hoof over her withers, and Razzle felt a blush heat up her face. “Just you and me, in this private little setting… there's something I've always wanted to say to you, Jezebel, but we've never been in the right situation until now.” Razzle felt her heart hammering, ready beat out if her chest. The intimate moment she so long awaited was finally at hoof! She readied herself to not faint as Arca leaned in close to whisper in her ear.

“My sweet, silly little Jez… you're breaking rule number one.”

Razzle's eyes went WIDE. She knew exactly what rule number one was. And she had taken careful steps to never break it until now, fearing it would drive Arca away. “Arcie, wait! I can go get one, you don't have to do this!”

Arca shifted his hooves under Razzle and hefted her up above his head, opening a window in his magic. Thankfully they were on the first floor.

“NO LAB COAT…”

“Arcie, no!”

“NO LAB ACCESS!”

Arca flung Razzle straight out the window and into a nearby flower bed. He stuck his head out the window to add insult to injury. “And stay out!”

“ARCANE CATALYST!” Arca froze in fear as a new voice pierced the scene. A very angry Mage Meadowbrook stormed up to the window and gave the stallion her best mom glare. “Is that any way to treat a mare? Apologize right this instant or you're grounded!”

“But Boss, I-”

“NOW.”

Arcane's features deflated. If there was one thing that could consistently bring him down, it was his adopted mother. “Sorry for throwing you out of my lab, Razzle… even though you did break rule number one…”

“And since she's your marefriend,” Meadow continued her triade.

“Boss, she's not really-”

Arca got cut off as he was berated once more. “...you should do something to make it up to her! You offer to take her out to dinner tonight, buster!”

“No! Anything but that! Well maybe my comic collection… ugh, fine. Razzle Dazzle, do you want to go have dinner later? Now please say no, so we can move on with life...”

Razzle trotted up and kissed him on the cheek again. “I'd love to. You can pick me up for our date at seven, hot stuff~” She trotted off, swaying her hips a tad more than normal. “Don't be late!”

Meadowbrook shook her head and smiled. “You're lucky to have her, you silly pony. When can I expect grandfoals?” she leaned in, waiting for her son's reply. She did not get her answer, though, as Arca had something else on his mind.

“DID SHE SAY DATE?!”

Author's Note

"You're lucky to have such an understanding marefriend who's so patient with you. But seriously, grandfoals when?"

Potions 11

Juniper sat in her room at the guild reading the latest issue of Cosmarepolitan. It was a quiet evening, without much activity, when she was brought from her daydreams of superstardom by a knock at the door. She got up to answer it.

“B-boss?! What happened?”

Arcane Catalyst stood in the doorway, his lab coat slightly ripped, sap oozing from his mane, a huge wad of chewing gum stuck to his back left hoof, and wearing giant novelty sunglasses missing a lens. “The good news is I found out why Razzle was all crazy and finally stopped it. Turns out she took the brunt of a curse when I helped her escape Tartarus during the great demon civil war. It's a long story, but she's the last living succupony. The bad news is that now she likes me for fixing that curse, but she promised not to be as… obsessive as she's been. Also, I managed to get myself banned from every restaurant in the changeling kingdom and a few parts of the kingdom itself, so there's that.”

“Are you gonna elaborate, or…?”

“Nope! It'd take too long to explain. It could honestly be one of those short stories you like reading. So enough about Razzle for now, it's time to get back to work! And you can start by changing into this.” Arca tossed a pile of fabric at Juniper, which she dutifully caught and inspected.

“Uh, boss, this is a Nightmare Night ninja costume.”

“Yeah, I lost my library card so we're gonna sneak into the archives for an advanced alchemy textbook I think you could use.”

Juniper sighed, relenting. It seemed the usual routine was back and here to stay. “Of course we are.”

A chill wind blew across the roof of the guild as Juniper trotted across it to the predetermined meeting point. Standing shrouded in the shadows was that master of stealth, the untraceable wizard of whodunnit, the shadow thief incarnate …

Arca in a black lab coat.

“Really, boss? You had me put on this ridiculous getup, complete with weaponry, and you just change coats?”

“What? They expect an orange unicorn in a white lab coat. Besides, this was just my disguise to get up here undetected. If I'm gonna bypass security, I'll need something they'll never see coming. I'll need…” He gripped his lab coat with a hoof, flinging it off dramatically into the darkness.

“...a RAINBOW TIE-DYE LABCOAT!”

“Remind me why I work for you again?”

“No idea, Juniper. Now stand back, I'm going to use a laser to carefully cut through the roof, as stealthily as equinely possible. Super mini stealth laser of secrecy… fire!”

Below, several apprentices of the guild evacuated the main reading room, just in time for a ten-foot diameter beam of cyan light to reduce the ceiling to rubble and leave a decent crater in the floor. Arcane dropped down, face planting into floor with a painful THUD. Five seconds after he hit, a parachute popped out of his back pocket. Juniper glided gently down on her wings.

“Real subtle Boss, I bet they don't even know we're here.”

“Ow. I think I broke my butt.”

“Quit whining, Boss. You've taken worse hits and walked away. Now let's go… ‘steal’ the catalog so we can find this book.” Juniper trotted over to the library reception, only to stopped by a magical aura.

“Waiiiit! Never touch the catalog drawer after hours. It might still have the explosive rune I inscribed on it as a security system two hundred years ago!”

“Boss, they've changed the cabinet since then. Did you hide any other runes in this place, though?”

“Three…”

Juniper grabbed the catalog and opened it up, looking through it. “So you know where they all are, right?”

“...hundred.”

“Really, Boss?!”

“Is it better if half of them are guarding my old stamp collection? Eh, whatever. Gimmie that catalog. Let's see… ah, here we go. Section seven. We landed next to section four, so we need to go that way! Better use a potion to make sure the area's clear.” Reaching into his lab coat, he pulled out a few vials. The first was empty, and he drank from it.

“Invisible potion. Not what I wanted.” The second vial was filled with a clear liquid. “Ah, fresh water. Tasty. Now, the invisibility potion!” Downing he third potion, he quickly vanished from sight… aside from his lab coat. “Perfect! Now I can sneak ahead and OOF!” The floating lab coat fell down, having tripped over its own hooves. “Note to self: being invisible makes it hard to see where you're going. Not my best move.”

“This is ridiculous. You said it was the Tome of Rare and Exotic Tinctures, right? I'll go get it myself.” She trotted around the crater and Arca, heading into section seven. She quickly discarded her outfit, happy that Arca was preoccupied with his invisibility at the moment for all of three seconds until her mentor dropped down from the ceiling on a bungee cord.

“Hi Juniper! I don't know why spies just use these, it beats a rope by a mile!” The cord then snapped, whipping Arcane with a massive elastic force and knocking a few dozen books off the shelves. “OW! MY SPLEEN!”

Juniper sighed and picked up the tome from the floor, passing it to her mentor as he stood up. “Here, boss. I found it.”

“Great work! And we snuck in without anypony noticing, AND we didn't find any of my old explosive runes! I wonder where I hid them all. Oh well, let's see if this old thing is the same as I remember-”

As he opened it, a hidden rune on the inside cover detonated, sending Arca flying backwards and wedging him in the overdue book return.

“Boss, are you alright?! That looked pretty bad!” Juniper galloped over to the back half of her mentor, still sticking out of the book slot.

“Juniper! Get me out of here! But… do it in a few minutes, there's a Detective Surehoof comic in here I haven't read in a while.” The sound of pages turning came from within the book return, then a loud BOOM. Smoke leaked out of the slot Arca was sticking out of. “Hey Juniper, I think I found another rune! And new rule for the list on why I can't be in the library alone.”

“Gee, ya think so? I'm going back to my room, boss.”

“Okay, goodnight Juniper!” Arca's back hoof waved goodbye to her. “Oh hey, I found a stale cookie in here!”

BOOM!

Author's Note

I'm man enough to admit I overdid things with Razzle. So I've wrapped up the succupony's story in the background (yes she is a demon, and maybe I'll tell you all that story someday.) So we can get back to our regularly scheduled shenanigans.

Really, really long story short, succuponies evolved into changelings to survive off of love instead of food in the badlands, and they were able to break a centuries-old love curse on Razzle/Jezebel. She'll be around, but toned back a LOT.

Alchemiracles to go

Juniper Berry laid back and let out a sigh. It had been a long week at the guild, so relaxing on a cloud during a well-earned day off was a welcome reprieve from the ‘normal’ days at work she had.

“Juniper! Hey, Juniper! Good morning!”

Her face morphing into an expression of irritation, she poked her head out over the edge of the low-hanging cloud to see her mentor with a small wagon designed as a foal's toy tied to his tail. It was full of various potions and other medicinal supplies, and had a piece of parchment glued to one side with the words ‘Alchemiracles Delivery Service’ written on it in crayon.

“Really, Boss? Our first day back home and you're already trying something?”

“Relax, I know you took the day off. I got you a snack!” Lighting his horn, Arca levitated a bag of doughnuts and a bottle of juice up to Juniper. “I wanted to get you your usual coffee but the mare at the counter said she wouldn't give me caffeine if her life depended on it.”

Juniper grabbed the confections and the beverage, smiling. “Wow, Boss. Thanks. You're a pretty good stallion, you know that?”

“Anything for my number one apprentice! I'll see you at work tomorrow.” Leaving Juniper and her cloud bed behind, Arca strode towards the nearest building and knocked on the door. “This place looks new. I wonder who runs this jewelry store…”

Inside, Emerald Essence took one look at the pony on the other side of the glass door and groaned from behind the counter. Begrudgingly, she got up, and opened the door ever so slightly. “What do you want, Arcane?”

“Hi, new pony who somehow knows my name! I'm going door-to-door selling po-” A faceful of door stopped his sentence, but Arca's rather hard head caused the quickly swinging glass door to shatter. “Ouch. That looks bad. What you need is my patent pending glass repair potion! It can-”

“OUT!” Emerald pointed with a hoof for Arca to leave.

“Alright, alright, geez! What's your problem? Bye, weird random pony.” Arca turned around abruptly, swinging the potion-filled wagon behind him and accidentally breaking the storefront's giant window and spilling a vial of Alchemist's Fire all over the entryway. It ignited as he cantered off, none the wiser. Emerald responded with a string of profanities that would make a sailor blush.

Arcane left down the street, trotting amidst the storefronts before stopping in front of a rather quaint purple house with a beautiful garden in front. It was one of the few houses on market street, and was a pricey property as a result. Arcane trotted up to the door, using the heart-shaped door knocker to alert the occupant. “Ugh, time to get this over with.”

“Hey, I thought I put up a sign saying no solici- Arcie!” Razzle answered the door, her mane disheveled from sleep. Her eyes, went wide and her usually hidden batlike succupony wings flared out in surprise. “I thought I wouldn't be seeing you for a while after… well, I wasn't exactly polite. I'd offer you something to eat, but you seem up to something.”

“Yup. Potion delivery.” He passed a glowing orange potion to her. “This should help stabilize your mana reserves after everything that happened back at the guild. We're even now, yes?”

“Throw in a kiss and we're all square, Arcie.” She winked at him, attempting to flirt, but she didn't put much effort in since she still looked a bit messy.

Arca just rolled his eyes. “Keep dreaming, Jez. I've got work to do.”

“Alright. For once, I understand. It won't stop me from trying, though!”

As Arcane left, the still demonic-looking Razzle stole one last glance at her crush's flanks. “One day,” she sighed longingly. “One day, but not today. At least I can think straight about it now...”

“Alright, say ah.”

“Aaah.”

Doctor Cross was examining his current patient at the Spiral Wing Memorial Hospital. “Alright, all we need to do now is check your heart rate with this machine. Let's see… it looks like your current heart rate is pretty normal. Now, we need to get a reading of your heart rate when you're having an adrenaline rush. The easiest way would be to startle you, but I can't do that in good conscience as a-”

“DOCTOR!” Arca slammed the window open, sticking his head in.

“Welp, that elevated your heart rate. Congratulations, you're healthy. Hello, Arcane.”

“Hi doctor Cross! I brought a dose of grand panacea so the hospital has a spare. You want it now or should I leave it with the secretary?”

“Just leave it with the storage staff, Arca.”

“Okay!” Arca walked off, his hooves clip-clopping on the ground below him.

Cross's patient turned and looked at the medical expert, worried. “Doc, I think I'm having hallucinations now. How could that stallion trot away on a solid path… when we're on the third floor?!”

“Don't worry, that's just Arca. I usually prescribe going to the salt bar for interactions with that crazy colt.”

“Alright, last delivery of the day. Town hall, here I come!” Acra pushed through the doors and approached the counter, noting it was unattended. A bell was on the counter, with a note reading “ring for service. Naturally, Arca pressed it.

Ding!

Nothing. He tried again.

Ding!
Dingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingquackdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingding!
Ding!

“Huh. Nothing. Maybe there's something back here to help me.” He moved behind the counter, finding a note about a very important meeting going on with the school board, several volunteers, and Princess Celestia herself. He knew she was dropping by to call in a favor about some prank, so that was no surprise, but she was still in attendance.

“Aha! The intercom!” Finding the microphone for the device, he pressed the button and listened as the jingle for an announcement echoed through the building. Whatever he said next would be heard by all of town hall. He leaned in, and spoke.

“Hi Mayor Silver! It's Arca, with a potion delivery! I have your hemorrhoid medicine right here, do you want the lotion or the suppository?”

He leaned back and smiled. “Mission accomplished! Although I swear I hear Celestia laughing, I wonder why…”

Author's Note

"Arca, we need to talk about privacy..."

"Yeah, Princess-boss?"

"Next time let me get a recording crystal first."

Arca and the Stain

Arcane Catalyst, master alchemist extraordinaire, yawned and stretched his limbs as he rolled about in bed. Today was going to be a fantastic day! He had all the potions he needed brewed and ready to go, his monthly research stipend from Celestia had come in along with a few suggestions on what to look into, and most importantly, it was free cookie day at Hayburger!

So, he left his plush beaker behind and hopped out of his bed to take a shower. Being clean was always important in the lab, after all! He reached out into the kitchen of his little home above his shop and retrieved a pair of frozen blueberry waffles from the icebox with his magic, instantly cooking them to his preferred temperature and texture. A few dozen years of preparing the exact same breakfast the exact same way certainly helps one know exactly how much heat to apply.

Having quickly finished his shower, cleaning up, and eating his morning waffles all at once, Arca strode downstairs. He was smiling, he was happy, nothing could kill his good mood!

And then he saw it.

On the floor of the shop, a stain in the wood. Right in front of the counter, so he'd have to look at it all day.

This would not do.

“Well, I don't need to worry! I'll just do the exact same thing I do when my lab coats get stained!” He sauntered off, proud with himself for remembering that option. With a grin on his face, he returned with his answer. “Tadaaaa! Bleach! And I know not to mix it with ammonia after last time. And, this oughta do it!” Grinning, he unscrewed the cap and poured the entire gallon bottle onto the floor, stood back, and waited.

“Alright! That ought to fix the problem!” He cheered. This was without a doubt one of his best ideas ever. He used his magic to sweep the bleach up in a whirlwind, shooting it out the back window to who knows where, and admired his handiwork. “Wait…”

Much to his surprise, bleach leaves a big stain on finished floors! Now the stain was even larger. This would not do. Arca knew he needed to think of something, and fast! His first new idea was to summon an area rug from upstairs. But that didn't cover the stain completely! The customers would be arriving soon, and he couldn't open up with the floor looking like this!

“Oh mane, what do I do! It's not just like the answer is right out the window, and…” Arca glanced out the window, seeing the paint store on market street. Above its entrance was a giant novelty paint roller. Arca's eyes lit up. “Jackpot.” Lighting his horn, a ear-splitting crack echoed through the town as the roller was torn off the building and teleported into the shop, knocking over several shelves of potions.

“Aw, phooey. I don't have any paint! Welp, guess I'll just bleach the whole floor, then.” He hovered out ten more gallons of bleach and soaked the roller in it, then proceeded to steamroll all the remaining shelves as he ruined the entire floor of the establishment. Clearly, he thought, this was his best idea to make the shop presentable, and-

“WAIT, MY SHELVES!” Arca panicked as he noticed all the spilled potions. There was only one thing to do in a situation like this, and he prided himself as it being his best idea of the day so far! Gathering a huge amount of excess mana, he opened a portal at the bottom of crater lake not too far from town and made the other end open right in the middle of his shop.

This resulted in a tidal wave of freshwater obliterating all in its path, gushing out of every window on the first floor of the building. Within moments the portal had closed, but the damage had already been done, and dozens of fish were flopping about on the floor of the shop, desperate for water so they could breathe.

“Oh, no! Don't worry fishies, I'll save you with the bestest best idea I've had in years! BEHOLD!”

Arca unceremoniously ripped the entire building off its foundation aside from the spot he was sitting on, and hurled the entire building half a mile through the air so it crashed into crater lake. Arca was left sitting on the single soggy, stained plank that started this whole ordeal, a single potion, and his ‘come in we're open’ sign. Realizing he had an opportunity, he flipped the board over so the stain was no longer visible, placed the potion next to him on the board, planted the sign in the ground, and smiled.

“Perfect! Open for business! I am so smart.”

“Boss?”

“Oh hey Juniper! You're late today! Not that I mind, but you missed the greatest series of brilliant ideas I've had, ever! I wish you had been there to see it. Man the counter while I brew up some replacement potions in… the… lab. Oh.” He glanced behind him, realizing he had just thrown all his lab equipment into the lake. “Well, we still have one potion to sell, so we're still open! Take that, world! Nothing can keep this shop closed!”

“Boss, it's a national holiday.”

“Oh. Uh…” Arcane instinctively looked to where the wall calendar would be the shop was still standing. He sighed, and picked up the bottle next to him, holding it out his apprentice. “Hey Juniper, want a free potion?”

"What kind of potion is it, Boss?"

"Stain remover."

Cloudy with a chance of Floof

The door to Alchemiracles's laboratory creaked open as Juniper poked her head in. She went through her mental checklist before entering: Is anything on fire? Did she have a lab coat and goggles? Was anything capable of becoming a projectile tied down? And did she hear any strange noises?

Deciding that the coast was clear, the pegasus pushed the door open the rest of the way and stepped into the room. She was immediately greeted by the common sight of her mentor standing over his cauldron, stirring the mixing rod with his hooves. She'd asked him once why he didn't use his magic, and he told her that his method was how Meadowbrook had taught him, and he just preferred it.

“Oh, hey Juniper!” Arca stepped down from his position and faced his apprentice. “You're just in time! I'm having another go at my famous mane growth potion!” He grinned, only for Juniper to turn around and walk out of the lab, slamming the door in his face. “Oh come on, why is that always your reaction? Juniper!” He rapped on the door with a hoof. “Please? Just this once?” No response. “Fine, I'll just… make something else.” Sighing, Arca lifted the cauldron and the green potion inside it in his magic and went to dump it out the window.

“Quack.”

“Wait, what?!” Arca set the cauldron down and peered out the window, only to touch his muzzle to the bill of his arch nemesis.

“Quack.”

“Potions be damned, it's DUCK HUNT TIME!” Arca leapt out the window to grab The Duck, only to faceplant into the mud. Rain poured down around him from the current storm that was going on, soaking his clothes, but he could care less as his mind was dead set on one purpose. Unfortunately, the splatter of mud startled The Duck, and it flew off into the clouds.

“Hey, get down here and fight me like a real immortal, you coward! Projectile, I need a projectile! Aha!” He reached back inside with his magic, levitating the cauldron outside. “This ought to put a dent in that annoying waterfowl! Take… this!” Without thinking, he launched the cauldron and its contents into the air, missing his target by several dozen yards. It did, however, impact the giant cluster of storm clouds covering the town before falling back to the ground, turning them all the same sickly green color of the mane growth potion that the cauldron contained.

“Uh, oh. That's not good. Juniper is not gonna be happy with me about this…” Taking the cauldron once more in his magic, Arca teleported back inside his home just before the first potion-infused drops of rain began to fall…

Mayor Silver Scroll was walking down market street when he noticed the clouds above him change color from dark gray to green. Odd weather was commonplace with the rainbow liquid occasionally falling from the clouds as rain instead of waterfalls, but this was new. And new phenomena usually meant Arca was in some way responsible, and Arca being involved meant take cover as soon as possible. It was too late, though, as the first of the green raindrops hit the ground so soon only those with teleportation could have dodged it.

Many ponies wandering the street looked up as the colored droplets fell. But their attention soon turned to each other as they began scratching at their heads. Silver felt it too, and a feeling of dread washed over him as he realized that he more likely than not was about to suffer another floofing dose of the most infamous potion in town.

“Oh, no… Arca ‘s gone and done it again. I wish I had an umbrella.”

Suddenly, his old, snowy white mane began to shake and vibrate with energy. His mane shot straight up and extended so he had a massive pillar of hair extending three feet above his head. With a mighty floof, the pillar of hair extended out in a mushroom shape, forming an umbrella of hair above his head. His tail followed a similar suit, poomfing out and creating a second umbrella-like clump of hair. Unfortunately, the wind picked up, and Silver gripped the ground with his earth pony strength to prevent being pulled away.

Other ponies weren't so lucky, being blown backwards or even lifted off the ground a bit before being tossed around by the wind and rain. A few unlucky souls had their new umbrella-manes get turned inside out by strong gusts or being thrown into flower beds and storefronts alike. Some brave pegasi tried to halt the storm, but their attempts were doomed to fail from the start.

Silver was just extracting himself from a table when a familiar pony trotted up. Perched on the back of this pony was The Duck, who was sporting a magnificent head of golden blond hair. “Quack.” Even its voice had changed to sound suave.

“Well, looks like you need some help, Silver. Thank goodness I know a force field spell to keep myself dry from all this,” Arca said. “And look at this cool duck I found! He was just chilling around my lab.” Silver rolled his eyes as he nodded to indicate he needed help. A flash of metal and Arcane had unceremoniously sheared off his mane and tail. He proceeded to do this to the various ponies present, one by one leaving them exposed, before coming back over to Silver. “There! Problem solved! Aren't I smart?” He tossed away the knife he was using to cut everypony's manes off, accidentally shearing off The Duck's impressive new hairdo. This also reset its voice.

“Quack.”

“WAIT, IT WAS YOU IN DISGUISE THE WHOLE TIME!? GET OFF MY BACK, YOU FREELOADER!”

“Quack.”

“HOLD STILL!” Arca rolled to get The Duck off his back, managing to soak himself in the rain. This resulted in him becoming a ball of hair, ensnaring The Duck and tumbling down market street, off a cliff, and into the basin below with a distant thud.

“I'm okay!”
“Quack.”
“Shut up, you damn duck!”

Author's Note

"What a suave motherducker he was."

"Boss, no. Just... no."

Arca vs. Winter Wrap Up

Arcane Catalyst sat grumbling at his table, eating his blueberry waffles. The second floor house above his shop was always well-furnished due to his wealth, albeit with funcion taking precedence over form and an ever-present bit of clutter. Still, today even a million-bit mansion wouldn't have made him happy and it was summed up in the letter on the table in front of him.

Dear Arca,
By near-unanimous vote of the city council (you being the only outlier), you are hereby banned from winter wrap-up after last year's hyper hurricane hairdryer incident. You are allowed to clear snow from within the Arca limit, and only with no equestrian magic AND no potions.
-Mayor Silver Scroll

Arcane grumbled as he glanced out the window. The Winter Wrap-up song was in full swing, dozens of ponies milling and flying about on their assigned tasks. And despite it being one of his favorite activities every year, he could only do his own yard, and no help either! “Ugh, taking all the fun out of things. Fun ruiner!” He shouted at the closed window. “Might as well get this over with.”

Trotting to his closet, Arca grabbed one of his fur-lined, insulated winter lab coats and a shovel, heading outside. As much as he hated it, he didn't bring any potions with him, not even an energy potion. He started humming the song to himself, and planted his shovel into the snow with a chuff noise, ready to start work.

“Ok, I'm bored. Time to make a shortcut! Since Mayor Silver said no equestrian magic, I'll just have to resort to more… esoteric options.”

Trotting back inside, Arca glanced left and right to see if anypony was around before kicking the counter, opening a secret compartment containing a button. He pressed the button three times and one of the store shelves slid away to reveal a switch, which he flipped to open a trapdoor holding the only object to have survived every single destruction of the house: a small steel safe covered in almost every protective rune known to ponykind. With the utmost care, he opened it, took a piece of candy from his secret lollipop stash stored inside, and put the safe back, undoing his steps to hide it once again. Then he grabbed the book of forbidden dark lore from the free magazine rack where he usually kept it. “This oughta do the job!”

Trotting out into the backyard, Arca moved over to the biggest pile of snow he could find on the mountainside beyond the town. A blast of magic and all the snow was turned into one massive ice crystal. “Ha HA! Outside of town, Mayor Silver has no power over me! I'll use magic if I wanna! In fact…” throwing whatever shred of caution he had left to the wind, he whipped up another nine crystals, each the size of a house, for a total of ten. “Alright, now let's see here…” He began flipping through the book, a maddening aura diffusing into the surrounding area. Any mortal would have been driven mad within minutes, but as Arca always said, ‘you have to be crazy to stay sane’.

“Let's see… summon Rah-laquimlaq… basic necromancy, might need that for when Boss Meadowbrook gets old… transcendence formula #11… fourth dimensional addresses of world-devouring hiveminds… aha! Golems. Seems simple enough! Era uyo lraeyl ornbigeth ot arlesantt tsih, veah na ertnenit ontip!”

The ice crystals began to shake violently, shards shearing and splintering off until ten massive bipedal ice golems stood awaiting Arca's command. “Go, my creations! Let's get rid of all the snow and ice! It's time for Winter Wrap up, Arca style! Oh, but don't touch anypony! I don't want you hurting folks.”

“WINTER WRAP UP. WINTER WRAP UP. WINTER. WINTER. WRAP UP WRAP UP WRAP UP WRAP UP.” The ice monsters stomped away, and Arca leaned back against a nearby rock in glee.

“There! Now I can sit back and watch everything go perfectly! I am so smart.”

Mayor Silver sat at his podium in town square, casually observing the festivities. Winter Wrap-up was an annual tradition that nopony exactly could recall the origin of, but everypony enjoyed it regardless. Silver was too old to partake, though: most of the older ponies in town preferred to save their strength for the next time the ‘days since Arca did a thing’ board had to be reset to zero, so they could run away. Of course, he always had a few reliable friends to come in and report. The animal team was working hard, the plant team had mostly cleared the fields, and the weather team was busy with resetting the clouds without disturbing the rainbow waterfalls. Of course, for all that was worth, there was one super important role that was dreaded despite total authority: The Arca watcher. Thankfully for Juniper, Razzle had volunteered to watch her crush. “Legal stalking”, she referred to it as. She even promised not to bring a camera. So, the ponies in town kept the show going.

“Winter wrap-up, winter wrap-up!”
“Tomorrow spring is here!”
“Winter wrap-up, winter wrap-up!”
“It bring us so much cheer!”
“Winter wrap-up-”

“WINTER WRAP UP.”

Giant ice golems crashed through a house and entered town square, revealing a path admittedly devoid of snow all the way to Alchemiracles. Most buildings were also missing their roofs, as the creatures followed orders and ripped the snow-covered roofs off to eliminate the snow. And by eliminate, they just assimilated it into themselves and grew bigger before tossing the roofs aside.

“WINTER WRAP UP.”

“ARCANE!” Silver hollered into his microphone. “I KNOW THIS IS YOUR FAULT, GET YOUR SORRY FLANK OUT HERE!!”

“Geez, you don't have to yell…” Silver turned back around to find Arca lounging in a folding chair that wasn't there a few minutes ago. “Relax, I programmed ‘em to not hurt ponies, and it's not me doing the work.”

“Fix it now, Arca.”

“Well I'd love to, Mayor Silver, but I'd need magic to do that.”

Silver grimaced. He knew he just got caught in a loophole, and regardless of whether Arca had intended it or not there was only one option. “Ugh, buck it. Use your crazy over-the-top magic to fix this mess, I'm going to the salt bar again.”

“That got destroyed already.”

“Damnit, Arca....”

Arca rolled his eyes and lit his horn, the bony spear shining far brighter than normal. There was a palpable wave of magic as every drop of snow was picked up, packed into a giant snowball, and shot off into the the sky. “Tadaaa! I did it!”

“Frankly, I'm shocked you didn't try to play bowling with those ten things. But… shooting it into the sky wasn't a good idea.”

“Oh, don't panic! I aimed it so it'll land in that empty lot on market street, the one one you can see from my front door!”

“Isn't that where Emerald Essence built her jewelry store?”

“Who's Emerald Essence?”

Silver groaned. “Somepony who's going to be very upset when the local force of neighture drops a giant snowball on her store.”

Arca gasped in shock. “Whoa, that sounds dangerous! She needs to move, pronto. I bet she'd love it here in town! It's so picturesque and peaceful!”

“WINTER WRAP UP. NO SNOW DETECTED. ERROR. ERROR. ICE DETECTED. WINTER WRAP UP.”

Detecting no further snow, the golems began punching each other as they identified their companions as ice and beat the floof out of each other to assimilate the ice first.

“Boss?! What they hay is going on?! Why aren't you back at the shop?!” Juniper swooped down in her weather team vest, looking irate. She had the same kind of ‘I am not mad, just disappointed’ look a mother or teacher can pull off, hoping to put some sense of humility into the ancient alchemist. As usual, it failed.

“Juniper! Look! It's like that issue of Mecha Mares with the giant monster fight! Pow, pow, bam! Hit ‘em with that corkscrew left hook!”

“Boss!”

“Come on, please can we keep watching? Pleeeease?” He only got glared at by all ponies present. “Alright, alright! Fine…” A flash of light left nine of the ten golems as nothing but ice crystals, which the final one quickly absorbed. “See? Now I win. Winter is officially wrapped up!”

“WINTER WRAP UP. ERROR: NO SNOW. ERROR: NO ICE. WINTER WRAP UP. ERROR. I AM ICE. MUST EXTRACT ICE WINTER WRAP UP ERROR. ERROR. ERRORERRORERROR… ACTIVATING SELF-DESTRUCT FAILSAFE. WINTER WRAP UP.”

The now massive, five story ice golem detonated at the molecular level, blowing everypony back, knocking several buildings including city hall over, and blanketing the entire town with snow once more, ruining all the day's work. It even made snow start falling from the sky again. Arca popped his head out of a snowdrift, only slightly dazed.

“Hey look, snow! Ooo, let's make snow cones! I call dibs on blue raspberry flavor! Wait… weren't we doing winter wrap up?”

The gray hoof of Mayor Silver emerged from the snow, shoving the handle of a shovel into Arca's mouth. From within the snowdrift, Silver's muffled voice spoke up. “No, Arca. You are doing winter wrap up. Alone. Now get cleaning.”

“Aww…” Arca stuck his shovel into the snow to start digging his friends out. “This way is so boring, though!” And for a moment, he stopped, the twinkle of an idea shining in his eye. He smirked. “Unless…”

Author's Note

I originally had a whole musical number for this, but then I realized I can't properly convey it in text, so I had to scrap it. Oh well.

Arcane Cata...pult?

Razzle Dazzle, or if she was feeling nostalgic, Jezebel, was a fairly late sleeper. A life of fashion and high society to try and win over the love of her life (whom she only recently learned was the result of a love curse, but she still loved him after the curse was removed) meant getting up later to go to nighttime gatherings. So, when she woke up at nine in the morning because of a massive, aggravating rumbling outside, she was not too happy. Knowing the town didn't seem to care about her succupony heritage, she didn't bother doing her hair up to hide her horns or cast an illusion to hide her batlike wings, choosing instead to angrily stick her head out the window. “Hey! Do you have any idea what time it is?! I'm trying to get my beauty sleep for my shoot next week, and… uh, hi Arcie-warkie! How are you this morning, love?”

Arcane mentally rolled his eyes. Three hundred and a half years of her refusing to get mad at him was predictable, regardless of his action. At least she was free of the curse and of her own mind now. Maybe one day he'd at least humor her, but for now… “Hi, Razzle! My morning is going great! My horoscope said ‘Victory is only a stone's throw away!’ “ he turned and continued pushing the object that was causing all the ruckus. “So I decided to take this catapult and use it to launch stones at The Duck! Do you wanna help? It'll be just like old times!”

Razzle seemed to think for a moment, holding a hoof to her chin. “Hmmm… don't you have an apprentice right now, Boss?”

“Juniper's out of town.. come on, you were my first apprentice, Razzle! And when we finally get that bird, we can go out for victory ice cream!”

“So we won't be going for Ice cream, then, given your track record with that bird.”

“Nonsense! My horoscope is never wrong, and as the saying goes, ‘you can only beat the averages so long before they beat you!’”

“I wouldn't call you average, but… sure, just let me get dressed.”

“Quack.”

“There it is! Be quiet so it doesn't see us!”

Razzle rolled her eyes as Arca dove into the bushes along the roadside outside of town and popped his head out. He was geared up to the extreme: combat paint on his face, a camo lab coat, the best binoculars money could buy… oh, and he was also wearing a giant duck head he had special ordered from a mascot company. His face poked out below the bill, making for an effective tactical visor.

Razzle, on the other hoof, had elected to wear her old demonic bodysuit given its numerous enchantments against harm. Form fitting, too, perfect for catching the eye of everypony BUT the one she wanted to notice. Still, it was better than any normal armor, and given the day's activity she might need it. Up the road, The Duck was idly pecking at a pile of birdseed. Razzle knew that it was dumber than a bag of rocks, so hiding was pointless.

“So what's the plan, Arcie?”

“That, my dear Razzle, is simple! We aim…” Arca lit his horn, turning the catapult to point at his nemesis. “Then we load…” a huge boulder was lifted out of the woods and placed in the bucket of the catapult. Then he leaped out from the bushes, landed behind the contraption, and grabbed hold of the rope he needed to pull to launch the rock. “And then, we LAUNCH!”

Ftoing!

The catapult sprung to life, attempting to launch its payload at the desired target. Unfortunately, the boulder wasn't the correct size for the catapult, so instead it got flipped five feet up by the force and three feet backwards… landing right on Arca with a loud THUD. “And then…” his voice weakly cried from under the rock. “We reset and try again…”

“So what's the plan this time?”

“I warped over to the hardware store and got a longer rope! Now I won't have a rock dropped on me!”

“And how, exactly, do you plan to do that?” Razzle shot her (hopefully) future coltfriend a questioning look.

“Easy. I pull from the side, and catapults can't launch sideways! Easy! Now, Jezebel, observe!” Taking aim at his eternal rival once more, Arca pulled on the rope with all his might…

...and the catapult tipped over, crushing Arca.

“I'm okay! Just a minor setback. Let me just…” A quick reset and The Duck was still idly pecking at the birdseed, in Arca's sights once more. This time he stood far behind the catapult, though. “Blastoff! No wait, let me-”

Arca yanked on the rope again but realized his aim was slightly off, so he grabbed the boulder in his magic to hold it in place and abort the launch. Energy has to go somewhere, however, and the catapult flipped over the boulder using it as a pivot and landed on Arca again.

“...adjust...the...trajectory…”

Razzle rolled her eyes as she trotted over. “You know, I'm beginning to think this isn't the best idea for your health.”

“Neither are you, miss ulcer-inducer.”

“Touché.”

A little ways further down the road and The Duck was once again distracted. Having given up on subtlety, Arca had ditched his disguises and put his special armor lab coat on, made of the same metal the royal guards use. Not as efficient, but still a lab coat. He had also acquired a tactical combat helmet along the way, somehow.

Razzle laid down to look at her crush as he dug a pit for himself under the catapult. “So, explain why you're doing this? I doubt the world needs you digging a second entrance to Tartarus.”

“Hey, I got that dog to guard it! And you know I only did that to rescue you.”

“And I love you for it.” Razzle leaned in to kiss Arcane, but the stallion failed to notice and spun back around, digging more and unknowingly flinging dirt into Razzle's face.

“Sure you do. Now, this plan. See, if I hide UNDER the catapult, there's no way I can get hit! Now, I can finally take down The Duck! Watch and learn, my former apprentice!”

Ftoing! The rock shot straight up as Arca pulled the rope. And then the catapult collapsed on top of him. He emerged from the rubble with a few splinters. “Ugh… stupid second hoof catapults… did I get him? I think-”

Arca was cut off as the boulder landed on him again.

“I can practically taste the ice cream already, Arcie. Maybe we can get some even though this isn't going to work. It usually goes right to my plot, but that will give you more to stare at~” She winked at him and only got a dejected sigh in response.

“Alright, fine…”

A quick trip later and the pair was happily eating to-go ice cream in front of the ruined catapult. “I gotta admit, Jez, you had a good idea getting this ice cream anyway.”

“Does that earn me a kiss, sweetie?”

“Quack.”

“WE MEET AGAIN, THE DUCK! NOW YOU DiE!” Ignoring Razzle completely, Arca used his spoon like a catapult to launch a glob of ice cream at the bird. “Let's see this catapult fail!” As soon as he said that, the boulder teetered, rolled off the pile, and…

“Too slow!” Arca managed to teleport away, reappearing next to the boulder. “Not this time, you stupid-”

And the boulder rolled over one more time, burying Arca under it. “OH COME ON!”

Author's Note

"Where did you even get a catapult on such short notice, Arcie? I thought that supply company you invest in has a list of things you can't buy."

"Oh, you mean Alchemists Creating Machines and Explosives? Yeah, they have a list. But I met this funny looking diamond dog in the desert who buys from them, and he sells the stuff to me used after he tries to catch his bird rival, the Meep-meep!"

Preparation of Exchanges

“And a half pound of chilly chili dust…” Arcane sprinkled the ingredient into his cauldron, enjoying the feel of the fine grains of powder slipping through his fur. “Ah, it's been an age since I've used a phoenix feather in a mix, let's try that.”

“Boss?”

“Oh hey, Juniper!” Arca twirled around on his step stool, addressing the visitor to his lab. “Lots of customers today?” Without looking, he uncorked a jar of phoenix feathers sent by Celestia as a Hearth's Warming present and added one to the bubbling concoction before setting the jar back in its proper place. “Or is Mayor Silver's secretary here with a bulk order?”

Juniper stretched her wings and groaned. “Neither. Emerald was here-”

“Who?”

“-offering you one last chance to surrender and move the shop before the trade exchange tomorrow. Apparently she's gonna complain to Celestia herself.”

“Why should I move the shop? You can reach it from the street just fine.” Arcane seemed perplexed about why anypony would want to move his shop after its location had been the town's only constant for around 650 years, but the mention of the trade exchange registered with him and he brightened up considerably. “Oh, and speaking of the trade exchange, I've been working overtime-”

“So nothing new there, right?”

“Shush. I've been working overtime to make less practical potions for recreational effects! This one should give you the ability to breathe harmless, colorful puffs of soap bubbles if I got it right.”

Juniper rolled her eyes. “Big ‘if’ there, boss. Your recipes are top notch and you never fail the ones you do know how to make, but your experiments have a tendency to backfire.”

“Really? Name one time, Juniper.”

“Last Tuesday.”

“Other than that one.”

“Last Monday.”

“I told you, that bubble flood was because I put too much soap in the washing machine and forgot it while I was sunbathing.”

“Last Sunday, then…”

“That doesn't count either, because… uh… I said so.”

“Ugh, forget it. Why were you sunbathing, anyway? It's the only time I ever see you sitting still.”

“These, obviously!” Arca lifted his goggles and pointed at his eyes. Upon seeing Juniper's perplexed gaze, he questioned, “Have I really never told you that my eyes weren't always green? They were blue at first, until I caught swamp fever all those centuries ago and nearly got turned into a plant. My eyes, and to a lesser extent, the rest of my body, still has some chlorophyll in it! It's nowhere near enough to replace eating, but you don't know sunbathing until you've photosynthesized at least once.”

Juniper was about to respond when the soft jingling of the shop bell called them back to attention. “Hello?” A deep voice came from the front. “I heard an Arcane Catalyst lives here?”

Juniper found herself almost knocked over as her mentor rushed past her. “NEW-CUSTOMER-I-CALL-DIBS!”

The pony in the front was a masculine looking earth pony with a dark brown coat and a slightly lighter brown mane. He stood with a regal pose, and regarded the approaching torpedo of pony alchemist with nothing more than a chuckle. “Ah, Arca. You remember me?”

Arcane scanned the stallion with a questioning eye for a moment before brightening up. “Ah, Nickel Ingot! I forgot you look like that now! Come in, come in, Celestia wrote to me all about your little potion situation. Juniper! This is Nickel Ingot, or Nick for short, and he's here as my Princess-boss's honored guest. Treat him nice, alright?”

Nickel held out his hoof and took Juniper's in a hoofshake that was strong and powerful, yet held the gentleness of a calm ocean deep within. He gazed into Juniper's soul with his piercing brown eyes. “And you must be Miss Juniper Berry. It is a pleasure to meet you, ma'am. Arca spoke highly of you.”

“Y-you know me?” Juniper couldn't help but blush at the kind, gentlestallionly words from the handsome earth stallion. She prayed Nickel didn't notice that, or her wings obviously twitching, but he seemed to ignore it. Arca, as usual, didn't even register her reaction. She never knew he didn't care or was just plain naive.

“Of course. I look forward to getting to know you and your boss over the next few days; I'm going to be in town with Celestia for the trade exchange. I arrived a day earlier at her request to meet with Arca here about a special transforming potion of his that had some unintended side effects. But enough of that. Perhaps a friendly dinner could get us all acquainted? My treat.”

Juniper blushed even harder and shivered in excitement a bit. A hunky stallion paying attention to her and asking her to dinner? “YES- I mean, I'd love to. I just need to clean my coat, it gets messy during work.”

“That won't be an issue, Juniper!” Arca cried out. “I left the potion bubbling for too long while we were chatting here, so in a few seconds this whole place is gonna be a bubble wonderland!”

“Wait, what?”

Razzle Dazzle dug around her attic. It contained her personal stash of rare recipe books and magical artifacts she knew would appeal to a certain somepony, also a few magazines featuring her modeling on the cover. All of those would be trading fodder for the exchange. Her eyes glanced at a sign she had made reading ‘Open for trade: Deals negotiable*’ and in fine print below that, ‘Will only trade for kisses from and dates with Arcane Catalyst’. She also prepared a bowl of candy marked ‘FREE’ in order to lure her crush in.

As she rummaged around, she came across a dusty old journal with a single orange feather acting as a bookmark. She looked at it and smiled, remembering the days long ago when she was Arca's apprentice. It had been his second gift to her, the first being her pony name. She let dozens of crazy adventures replay through her mind's eye as she hugged it close, a feeling of nostalgia washing over her.

“You know,” she pondered aloud to herself, “settling down here means I don't go out for photo shoots as much as I used to, since so many take place here in town. I wonder if Arcie-poo needs some part-time help? I'm a tad rusty, though. I'd need him to give me a refresher on some more complex potions, and he'd stand right behind me while I work, and put his hooves on mine to guide me, and kiss my ear lovingly and… uh… prepping for the exchange can wait a little, it's getting hot in here for some reason. I think I need to take a shower.”

Mayor Silver was up to his eyeballs in paperwork about the exchange. He just finished going over all the lists regarding disasters at the exchange, fair trades, and so on, and decided to step out for some fresh air for a moment. The town's liquid rainbow waterfalls never failed to put his mind at ease, although as he trotted up the path to Alchemiracles he was a bit tense. Still, he figured he'd remind Arca to check the lists of rules, and-

With a mighty woosh, the front door of the shop opened and a torrent of bubbles carried a few ponies out. Arca came to rest at Silver's hooves, grumbling that it wasn't a new distance record.

“Ah, there you are, Arcane. Laundry day, I presume?”

When the Moon Comes to Town

The doors to the local haybachi shop burst open as a familiar alchemist got tossed to the roadside. Shuffling out behind him in mild embarrassment were Juniper and Nickel. Still, they were holding hooves, and appeared to be enjoying each other's company. The chef, on the other hoof, was not pleased, poking his head out the door after them.

“New rule on the list, Catalyst! No trying to juggle the knives! Only our chefs have the training to do that!”

“Okay, but-”

“OUT! Go eat some hayburger and come back some other time!”

“But I didn't get my noodles!” Arca whined. Angrily, the chef threw a bowlful of noodles at Arca, splatting on his head like a giant helmet. “Thank you!”

“Well that went about as well as I expected,” Juniper remarked. “Still,” she blushed, “I enjoyed dinner, Nickel. Sorry my boss messed everything up. I'm sure he's sorry, too. Right, Boss?” She glanced at Arca, who was standing stock still all of a sudden. He didn't even register his noodle hat slowly dripping sauce down his mane. “Uh, Boss?”

“...someone's messing with my yard.”

“What?”

“WHO'S MESSING WITH MY YARD?!” And without another word, the stallion booked it towards his shop.

“Alright, the main stage should be ready to go, Your Majesty.”

“Excellent! Thy construction efforts art admirable. We were quite surprised to find such a wide swath of open land in town so close to the market,” said Princess Luna. “Tis perfect for setting up the trade exchange… the only thing in the way is that odd building… it looks as though it was built using construction methods from my time. Still, setting up our judging platform in front of it makes for a fine backdrop… and it's not like we are-”

“WHO'S OBSTRUCTING BUSINESS?!”

Luna and the head of her building team watched a stallion storm up past them. Luna immediately recognized him, although she hadn't seen him since prior to her banishment. “No, that can't be possible…”

“Hi Moon-Princess-Boss,” Arca began as he stomped by. “Nice to see you again and I'd LOVE to show you some of my new work over the past millennia, but SOMEPONY built a stage in MY YARD in front of MY SHOP so I gotta move it!” He stomped over to the stage that had just finished construction, and pushed it from the side.

“But- but- thou should have been dead dozens of times over! How art thou still alive?!”

“Not right now, please! I've almost… GOT IT!” With one final shove and a massive surge of his magic, Arca shoved the stage hard enough to uproot its foundation and send it careening down the slight hill the shop rested atop. It barreled over his mailbox, took out a fair portion of the cobblestone path that made up market street, and finally came to rest right in front of Emerald's jewelry store, pinning the door shut.

“There! Much better! Now them, Luna. WAIT! I need to get washed up for meeting with a princess!” Arca levitated a gallon bottle of lemon-scented floor cleaner out of his shop, and doused himself in it. “Eh, good enough for short notice. Haven't had to resort to that move in a while. Plus, now I smell GREAT! Kinda soggy though. Hi, Moon-Princess-Boss Luna!” Arca trotted over and gave Luna a big hug, making her coat damp as well.

“A-arca? How?”

“Got my big project to work. Remember my little ‘rock collection’ experiments?”

Luna's eyes went wide in shock. “Thou dost not mean…? Thou hast done it?”

“Yup! I'm ageless now. Been super busy though! First trying to bring Meadowbrook back from Limbo, then you back from the moon, then Razzle out of my mane, and now I try and find new potions to make! I can't wait for the trade exchange tomorrow! You're the acting princess this time, right? Where's your judging platform?”

“Tis over yonder, Arcane,” Luna sighed, pointing at the platform that her old friend had just ruined.

“Oh. Why'd you build it all busted up and in the middle of the road?”

Luna simply chuckled, patting the still-damp stallion on the head with her wing. “We missed thee, Arca, old friend.”

“I mean, I missed you too, but that doesn't answer my question about the platform.”

Author's Note

"Also you REALLY smell like lemons."

"That would be thy fault."

"If you don't like it, I have some mint-scented cleaner from the holidays I could use intead."

"Lemon is fine."

Confrontation

“Come on, Razzle! Please?! You gotta gimmie it right now!”

“No, Arcie. Not until you kiss me like you mean it~”

“PLEASE?! I need it right now!”

“No.”

“You got what I want! You KNOW how badly I want it!”

“Not until you kiss me on the lips, big guy.”

“But it's issue 37 of Detective Surehoof! That's the one where the mob boss Iron Chain gets introduced, and I've never read it!”

Razzle wiggled the comic in her magic. The trade exchange was in full swing with the afternoon sun high in the sky, and she had a feeling her crush just might cave this time. “And it can be yours, if only for a single, loving smooch.”

A rather nerdy looking stallion happened to trot by. “I'll take that offer!”

“It's not an offer for you!” Razzle shouted at the poor colt. “Now, then, my precious Arcie-poo, what say you? One kiss and it's all… Arca? Where did he go? Hey!”

Razzle watched as Arca was dragged off in a glow of green magic. “Ooo, where are we going, strange pony I have never met before?”

Emerald rolled her eyes. She had been looking for Arca all morning to finally bring him to justice in front of the whole town. She could be hailed as a hero for finally bringing the menace to justice, and then the town would love her! She might even be able to up her prices and gain fame across the kingdom if the princesses were feeling generous. “We are going to see the princesses, Arcane. We have a few things to discuss.”

"We're gonna go see Celestia and Luna at the podium? Oh boy! I wonder how Luna's doing with her judgements on any trade disputes. I bet she's doing phenomenal!

"You'll find out soon enough. PRINCESS!" Emerald roared as she tossed Arca onto the the podium. He came skidding to a stop in front of Celestia, who was attending with Luna to tutor her through her first trade exchange. "I have a grievance!"

The solar princess stared at Emerald, shocked. She knew the owner of the jewelry store chain as a rich, sort-of noblepony (the ones that try to flaunt their wealth and power, she noted), but the fact that she essentially just assaulted one of her oldest and most important friends-

"Hi, Celestia! How are you doing today?"

...not that he seemed to mind, still put her in a bad mood. "Hello, Arcane. I'm having a pretty good day so far. How are you?"

"Razzle won't give me a comic book unless I kiss her."

Luna, having been briefed on the friendly succupony, rolled her eyes and replied sarcastically. "Truly, thine plight is one for the ages, as usual."

Emerald quickly retrieved a thick binder full of documents from her saddlebags. "Your majesties, this pony is a public menace, a liar, and a threat to society. And I have proof." She levitated the binder to Celestia, who gave her an inquisitive look. Regardless, she took it and cracked it open.

"That is a very serious claim, Miss Essence. I pray you have the evidence to back that remark up, or you might be facing charges for fraud and false accusations." She flipped through the binder as Luna glanced over her withers. Reports she had already read, local news articles about that week's catastrophe (often printed several pages in, as Arca hadn't made the front page with his shenanigans since he first discovered chocolate frosted doughnuts three centuries prior), a few ancient land grants and documents she was legitimately surprised to see given their age… nothing she didn't already know, however. And at the back, several complaints to town hall about him never recalling her name, with 'Rejected. Just buy something from him and be done with it' written on each. She sighed, and closed the binder. The whole crowd seemed to wait with bated breath as Celestia looked back at Emerald, and spoke.

"I don't see what the problem is here."

"Nor do we," added Luna. "Tis a tad long and boring to read, if we must make some sort of remark about it."

Emerald's eye twitched. "You don't see it? YOU DON'T SEE IT?! With all due respect, Princess, have both of you gone bucking BLIND!? He's caused more destruction to the local area in a week than most towns see in a year, his shop is an eyesore, and he has made numerous claims in several documents to being a knight, the royal alchemist, and founder of both the royal alchemy guild AND Rainbow Falls! And on top of all that, he has the AUDACITY to claim that he is over several hundred years old! His signature is clearly forged on those old documents, as there is no way in Tartarus he could have been here centuries ago!"

Silence. Not a soul in the crowd spoke. It was almost like the whole town was on mute.

And then Celestia and Luna burst out laughing.

"Wh-WHAT!?" Emerald cried out, shocked.

"Bwahahaha!" Luna reigned in her guffaws to address Emerald. "Thou art hilarious, Lady Essence! We have not laughed this hard since the jesters of old invented the pratfall!"

"Did Nickel Ingot put you up to this? Oh, this is rich! Just the laugh I needed!" Celestia wiped tears from her eyes as she kept on giggling.

"B-but he's a menace to ponykind!" Emerald pleaded. "He's a serious problem!"

Arca cantered over and put his two bits in. "The problem is that I'm not reading issue 37 of Detective Surehoof right now."

"Buck you! This conversation doesn't involve you, you bucking freak!" Emerald reared back and kicked Arca with all her might, catching him off guard. The impact was strong enough to send him flying off the platform, and-

RIIIIIIIIP!

"Princess-Boss? I know making my cutiemark a philosopher's stone was an accomplishment, but why did you send me a royal order to always wear a lab coat or similar clothing in public?"

Celestia sighed. It had only been a week since the incident, and she already had to take measures to prevent repercussions. "Because, Arcane, what you have is something that ponykind isn't ready to know about yet. It's for your own safety that you ALWAYS cover yourself when you go out, until I give you a formal document saying you don't have to anymore."

"W-will it stop ponies from calling me a freak and trying to hurt me?" The young Arca asked, his eyes full of hope.

"Yes. I've just issued a formal statement claiming that what they saw was just a side effect of your potions. Keep it it under wraps unless absolutely necessary and we can reveal the truth when the time is right. Now, let me show you this new art medium I found, I bet it'll cheer you up. It's called a comic book…"

That brief moment of his long life having flashed before his eyes, Arca landed on the ground with a THUD. Looking up, he saw his lab coat blowing in the breeze on a stray piece of wood jutting out of the platform. He turned his head, and saw the gathered crown of all the townsponies staring at him, exposed for the first time in centuries. Even the group on the podium, including that green pony he didn't recognize, were staring.

"N-NO!" He cried out, reaching for his coat. "NONE OF YOU SAW ANYTHING! I'M NOT A FREAK!"

Mayor Silver stepped forward. "Arca, are you alr-"

"I SAID DON'T LOOK AT ME!" Arca lit his horn so bright nopony could see. When the light faded, he was gone… along with a sizeable part of the ground he had been standing on.

Celestia watched it all with a shocked, and sad expression. She stood up, and her face morphed into one of disappointment with a hint of anger. She glared at one pony in particular, the current target of her ire.

"Emerald Essence."

"P-princess Celestia, I-"

"You have bucked up."

Those words hung in the air for a moment before the solar alicorn trotted to the edge of the stage. "Jezebel! You are coming with me to calm Arca down. He needs his oldest friends to support him. I know where he went… there's only one place he ever goes in times like this."

"Yes, ma'am!" Razzle spread her wings and took to the air as Celestia took off as well. They hovered in place for a moment.

"Luna! Stay here with miss Essence. I will be back to speak with her about this, as well as her accusations, once Arca has calmed down." She readied herself to fly off into the mountains, but Luna stopped her.

"Sister! Wait. How long has Arca-"

"For almost a thousand years, Luna..." She and Razzle took off flying, the succupony following the princess's lead. As they flew away, Celestia finished the sentence, speaking to nopony in particular.

"...and I've never seen a pony more ashamed of having wings."

Author's Note

WHAAAAAAAAT?!?!

You read that right, folks! Arca wasn't just hiding his philosopher's stone cutiemark under that lab coat! He's been an alicorn the whole time!

I kept the lab coat ripping and everything after that a secret from my editors and gave them a false ending so they can be surprised, too. Let's see how long it takes 'em to notice. 3 and a half hours for one of my editors, and the other noticed about a day later.

Judgement and Comics

The crowd in front of the podium had barely moved in the thirty minutes Arca, Razzle, and Celestia had been gone. The only major difference was that Emerald Essence was being glared at by royal guards to make sure she didn't leave. Not that she planned to run away, though. She had to minimize the damages and head for the best outcome for her. She was working on a plan when without warning, an orange meteor shot down from the mountains and crashed into the back of Alchemiracles. Razzle swooped down to help, and Celestia landed on the stage with one of her classic 'I am not angry, just disappointed' faces. Showtime.

"Your majesty, I-"

"Silence. Not one word until Arcane gets here."

Luna rolled her eyes at Celestia. "Thou art still sticking to the rules of a fair trial, sister? Dost thou really think he will sit still for any amount of time?"

That earned her a wink and a smile from the solar alicorn. "I have my ways."

Meanwhile, the door to Alchemirackes opened and Arca trotted out in a new lab coat and goggles, seemong pleased with himself. Juniper was the first to rush over and trot alongside him. "Boss! What happened? How long have you-"

"So... I kinda forgot how to land. It happens, Juniper! I'm more worried that the town won't accept me now, but I trust Celestia." He paused for a second, then added, "If… if you don't wanna be around me because of what you saw, I won't blame you…"

"Are you kidding, boss? This changes nothing! You're still the same pony. It just means you have a few new ways to wreck the town every other week, and we're used to that! Geez, I can practically hear Silver adding to the lists already…" Juniper glaned away from her mentor, and noticed they had wandered somewhere other than the main stage where Celestia was still waiting. "Um… Boss?"

"Yeah, Juniper?"

"Why are we in Razzle's yard? Princess Celestia is over there."

"I know. Unlike most ponies, I have my priorities in order." He glanced around the various tables Razzle had set up for the exchange, and seemed to be growing worried. "Wait, where did it go?!"

From across the crowd, Celestia held up a certain comic book. "Looking for this, Arcane?" And with those words, Arca galloped off towards the stage, leaving behind an apprentice who wasn't sure whether to groan or facehoof. Deciding to avoid squeezing his way through the crowd and the guards, he simply teleported, appearing in a flash of light at Celestia's hooves, sitting politely while his tail wagged like a dog being told it was time for a walk.

"I love you. You are best princess. Whatever you want me to say, just gimmie the comic!" His expression fell as Celestia shook her head. "Pleeeeeease? I need it!"

"Behave, and answer my questions, Arca, and it's yours. Deal?"

"Ugh, fine. I'll go stand over by Luna…" Slowly, he moped over, clearly upset he'd not be reading anytime soon. He shuffled over to the pair of thrones the princesses were supposed to sit in, hopped onto Celestia's seat without a second thought, and summoned up a bottle of apple juice. With a crazy straw. Sluuuuuurrrrrrp.

Celestia shook her head. Some things never change, she thought to herself. "Ignoring my close friend's… eccentricities, which I'm sure most of this town is quite skilled at," she began, "I must ask why you hit Arcane. He may have his…" She glanced back. Sluuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrp. "...quirks, but he's a wonderful pony and the town wouldn't have the same energy it does if he wasn't here. If you had just moved here and didn't know, that I'd gladly excuse as long as you apologized, but thanks to the file you provided, I can see you've been here long enough to know that-" Sluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrr- "ARCANE! Will you please stop making noise with your apple juice?! I am trying to be a leader here!"

Arca blinked a few times, looked down at his nearly empty bottle of juice, and then back at the princess. "Sorry, Celestia," he responded with genuine regret. "Would you prefer grape juice instead? Or maybe orange juice?"

"Put it away, Arca. Now then, as I was saying, unless you've been actively avoiding him, you should know that he's ageless like I am, extremely wealthy, a founding member of the town, and not about to do whatever noisy thing he was about to do…" Celestia glared back at Arca, who had somehow acquired a bowl of nachos and was moments from biting down on one. He sheepishly grinned and shoved the bowl over to Luna, chomping down on the chip with a loud CRUNCH. "...regardless, most of your claims about his 'lies' are actually truth. So why, pray tell, are you after him? As princess of Equestria, I don't take too kindly to the alicorn of Innovation being hurt."

"Does that mean I'm in trouble for crashing earlier?"

"You hurting yourself accidentally doesn't count."

Emerald took a step forward. "Princess, in all due respect, I don't think anypony in town knew he was an alicorn. Does… does that make him a prince?"

"No, he is not a prince. He's my personal alchemist, though."

Emerald sighed. She really, really, really didn't want to do this, but to minimize damages it had to be done. She took a few reluctant steps forward and looked at the pony who had caused her so much stress. "You don't even remember my name, do you?"

Arca set down his bag of pretzels and shrugged. "Sounds like we don't really know each other. Although… now that I get a good look at you, I swear I've sensed your magical signature before. Hmmm… maybe I'm overthinking it. I'm Arcane Catalyst, but most folks call me Arca! If I haven't told you before, I'm cursed to forget folks who don't buy from my shop, so if you want something not too expensive for one bit so I can remember you, just let me know! It's a one-time deal."

"Really? A curse? I suppose… that almost makes sense." Emerald took another look at Arca. Maybe, she thought, she didn't know him as well as she thought. Maybe he'd be a good business partner, or an ally. Maybe-

Suddenly, Arca looked up from his nachos he had reclaimed from Luna. "Oh yeah, now I remember! You're the pony who barged into my lab and tried casting the forbidden spell Dominion on me to get me to sell my shop! That was it! Hey, where'd you learn dark magic? Do you know any dark potion recipes? I never learned any of those, and I bet they're super dangerous and probably illegal but I bet Celestia would let me try anyway and hey where'd she go?" He noticed some guards dragging off an infuriated Emerald Essence, a flicker of dark power in her eyes held at bay by the suppression ring affixed to her horn. "Hey, wait! I have so many questions! And I don't even know your name! Come baaaack!"

Celestia, who was glaring at Emerald alongside the guard escort, noticed Arca galloping towards them and pulled her trump card to buy enough time to get Emerald away: she tossed the comic book. She spared one last glance at her scatterbrained friend doing a happy dance over the rare find, and then looked back at Emerald. "Miss Essence, I'm going to go over all the business deals you company has made that seem to favor you, and investigate them all for dark magic interference. After that, you are going to jail for a long, long time."

Author's Note

"Boss, are you really just gonna give up on that knowledge for a comic?"

"I told you, Juniper, I have my priorities straight!"

Lemon Pledge

"Well, that was a successful run of the trade exchange! Except for that one angry mare. Celestia seemed upset with her." Arca guided Juniper back to their trading stand, situated far away from all the others up by the shop. "I've done my trading, now I can trade things too! I wonder how many customers we'll get today."

Juniper glanced at the 'trading stand', which was really just an old bookshelf with the word 'PO~~SHUNS~~TIONS' scrawled on the side in paint. "How many traders come by here, usually, anyway? You offer some high quality stuff, despite appearances."

"Well…" Arca rubbed the back of his neck innocently with a hoof. "I think my record's nine? Yeah, that sounds right. So I can handle things myself if you wanna keep trading. But this year, I have a secret weapon! A surefire way to guarantee customers come to trade stuff before the trade exchange ends!"

"I don't wanna know."

"You sure? Because it's really smart! Tell you what, imma go get it." Arca dashed inside and quickly returned with a small, yellow ball that resembled a water balloon. "Behold! I have created a really nice smelling fragrance bomb! I heard that incense makes ponies wanna come to shops because the place smells nice, so I made this to make the whole yard smell good!" He waved it around in the air. "I forgot how many cups to put in the recipe, since it was old and I had to improvise, but it should be fine!"

Juniper groaned. "I'm getting out of here before you make this whole place smell too strongly." She sighed, spread her wings, and took off into the air to continue shopping.

Arca shrugged, ruffling his wings under his lab coat. "Oh well. Ugh, I hate how itchy these things get when I have to hide them. Maybe now I can get some lab coats with wing holes… as long as nopony freaks out again… oh well, let's get this show on the road! This should be just enough to make the whole yard smell like lemons!" Grinning, he tossed the orb and watched it shatter on the ground, taking a deep whiff as-

"I still can't believe that she did such a horrible thing, using dark magic to get her way…" Celestia shook her head grimly as she rode the train back towards Canterlot with Emerald under close guard. She glanced back at the town of Rainbow Falls, fond memories flying through her mind, and smiled.

Then the entire town was covered in a yellow mist.

"Oh dear."

Juniper was trotting around the trade exchange when without warning, her senses were overwhelmed with lemon. In fact, the world seemed tinged yellow as a mist enveloped the town, and everypony reeled back in surprise as the citrus aroma.

"BOSS!"

"You rang, Juniper?" Arca stepped out from a seemingly random alleyway, sporting a wine glass full of lemonade, with a bendy straw.

"Everything smells like lemons!" Juniper covered her snout in a desperate plea to block out the smell, but it was a fruitless attempt. "What did you do?!"

"Uh… I'm not sure. Let me check the recipe if found for this, it was pretty old and worn…" he produced a tattered piece of paper scrawled with a language that had been dead for 500 years, and scanned it once more. "Uhm… ah! I found the problem. For starters, it warns the user to not add more doses than their age. I guess they didn't intend for a thousand-plus-dose explosion."

"And the other thing?"

"I mistranslated. I should have been using teaspoons of lemon fragrance, not pints."

"I don't even know where to start with that one, Boss…" Juniper shook her head, resigning herself to her fate. "How long is it gonna last? The berry family reunion is this weekend, and if I show up smelling like lemons, I'll be laughed out!"

Arca put a hoof to his chin, thinking. "Well, it won't wear off by then, but I'll do anything for my apprentices!" He lit his horn, and a deep blue orb materialized in his outstretched hoof, and prepared to throw it. "Luckily I made this blueberry scented bomb that's just a little bit more potent-"

"Arca, no!"

"ARCA, YES!"

Author's Note

"I guess if I wanna sell those, I'll have to write 'LEMON WARNING' on those, huh?"

"Boss, no. Just no. And please, for your therapist's sake, don't look up what that means..."

"Why not?"

Twi

A furious knocking at the shop door (which started the exact second the shop was set to open) drew Arca's attention from stocking the shelves and towards the front door of Alchemiracles. He rolled his eyes at Razzle, who was subbing in for Juniper and counting the morning bits in the register behind the counter, and trotted over to the entrance, opening the small porthole in the middle of the door. He glared out and found a pair of purple eyes staring back at him.

"You ponies and your punctuality. I'm still stocking the shelves, who are you and what do you want?" He watched as the pony took a polite step backwards to avoid being so close, and he got a better look at her. Purple fur, wings, a horn, and a six pointed star as her cutie mark. "Oh, wait, I saw you in the newspaper a few times, and I can mostly remember names from newspapers. You're… uh… wait, don't tell me. Twi… Twibright Waffle! That was it!"

The purple alicorn stared back at Arca for a moment, unsure if he was a master jokester like Pinkie Pie or if what Celestia had said about his name memory was really true. She decided to go with the latter for her own sanity. "I hate to correct you, but it's Twilight Sparkle. You're Arcane Catalyst, right? I saw a news report and-"

"Ok, sorry for getting your name wrong, Turpentine Spackle! Are you here to buy a potion?"

"No, I wanted to ask you a few questions about your alicornhood, and-"

For the second time, she was cut off. "Then come back later and let me finish stocking my shelves!" A potion hovered out of the porthole in Arca's magic, pouring onto the welcome mat. The fibers reacted, and the writing changed from 'Come on in!' To 'Come on, leave already!' He shut the porthole and finished stocking the shelves for the morning customers, then went back to the door and reopened the porthole. This took about twenty minutes.

Arca groaned as he glanced outside. "Are you still there? Why?!"

Twilight giggled, covering her mouth with a wing. "I'm waiting for the mat to change back. Clearly you used a temporary potion to change the writing, so I figured I'd wait until it wore off before coming in. You'd have to be crazy to waste a welcome mat every time you wanted somepony gone!"

"That, uhm…" Arca seemed to think for a second. "I can't believe I didn't think of that! I've had to throw out 50 unwelcome mats in the past four years, you just saved me a lot of bits! Here, have a free potion!" Twilight didn't have time to react as a vial of orange liquid met her lips. She reflexively swallowed, and by the time she was done drinking the surprise concoction the door was shut once more. Giving a dejected sigh, she trotted away, rescheduling her day so she could interview the 'new' alicorn later.

Meanwhile, Arca was busy replacing the welcome mat with a spare. "She was pretty smart with that whole temporary text change idea. I hope she comes back soon to buy something."

Razzle shook herself out of her latest daydream about being swept off her hooves by the perfect (in her eyes) stallion in front of her and responded. "She seemed a bit irritated being shut down like that. What potion did you give her, by the way?"

"I dunno. Hey, have you seen the experimental mane growth potion I was working on earlier? It was kinda orange-ish, I swear I put it on this table."

Razzle put two and two together and closed the shades before going back to counting the bits. "Wasn't that the potion you just gave to the princess?"

"Oh. Well, I'm sure Twinleaf Smeargle is happy with it. Hey, do you hear screaming?"

"Nope. You're just imagining things, Arcie-warkie. Oh, fudge! I was distracted by the view and lost count, now I gotta start counting again." She grumbled, shoved all the bits to one side, and started anew.

"What view? All the windows are closed. Wait… do you mean…?" Arca's eyes went wide as Razzle winked at him. "...I'm going back to my lab. Alone." He moved toward the lab, thought for a second, and backed into the room so Razzle couldn't sneak a glance. "Bye."

"Love you too, Arcie."

"MUST YOU SAY THAT EVERY TIME, RAZZLE?!" And with that, Arca slammed the door shut.

Author's Note

"Must you flirt with me at every possible opportunity, Razzle?"

"No. But I do it anyway because I love you, despite how dense you are."

"Ugh..."

Limited edition, Limited sanity

"And here is my shop! Come in, come in. I live on the second floor. Come on up, I'll show you around." Arca ushered the group inside, offering a small wave to Razzle. "Hey, Razzle, close up early today and come join us! It's a regular reunion! Just let me get this box inside..."

"Good to see you, Razzle," Celestia chimed in. Any luck with your crush?" She glanced toward Arca, who was far too busy trying to fit the treasure chest of kelp through the front door to notice.

"Working on it. Hey, Arcie, my love, if it doesn't fit, try the back door!" Razzle giggled as Twilight, who was heading for the steps, froze and glared at her. She grinned innocently. "What? It's just advice. Get your head out of the gutter, princess."

Twilight groaned. "You could give Cadence a run for her bits with those dirty jokes."

Razzle stuck her tongue out at Twilight. "You're just jealous because I'm closer to getting an immortal coltfriend than you are. Come on, let's head up."

A loud thunk came from the door to the lab as it swung open, the treasure chest trying to fit through but facing the same issue as the front door. "Raz, it fit through the back door, but how do I get it to the front door so I can take it back to the lab?"

"Just… put it in the storage, Arca…"

"Oh, yeah." He paused for a moment. "You're smart, Razzle! And pretty! And a great friend."

Razzle rolled her eyes, then seemed to get an idea. "Hey Arca, mylovingcoltfriendsayswhat?"

"Huh?"

"Damn it."

"I gotta say, this isn't the kind of house I was expecting of somepony a few hundred years old," Spike commented as he followed the group up the steps. "I figured you'd have saved up and bought a mansion or something."

"Spike! Be polite." Twilight glared at the drake, silencing him.

Meadowbrook chose that moment to put her two bits in. "From what I understand, the place blows up on the regular. So it's a lot of repair costs."

"Hey, you act like it's my fault! I only detonated the house on purpose twice. Once because I was bored, and once because I lost a bet. Anyway, who wants something to drink?" Arca scampered over to the fridge, peeking inside. "I have water, apple juice, grape juice, high-potency sand viper venom, tea, non-alcoholic cider…"

Twilight stopped cold. "You keep venom in your refrigerator next to the food?!"

"It's actually pretty tasty if you can recover from the damage it does. Not many ponies know this since it's hard to survive your insides practically liquifying, but not having a stomach makes it a perfect cure for stomach aches! Good thing I can recover from pretty much anything. Magic's great, isn't it?"

Twilight nervously turned to Celestia. "And you haven't had him committed… why?"

"I tried, but every asylum sent him back. With new lists."

"...lists?"

"I'll show you them later."

A metallic clatter caught the group's attention as Arca placed a collection of ornately carved silver goblets on the table. "You all took too long, so I'm getting you all apple juice. In the good cups, since Celestia and mom are here."

And Twilight's eyes lit up. "Oh! I didn't know you were a collector, Arcane! That commemorative set of goblets based on the ones from the Castle of the Two Sisters were limited edition! Even I wasn't able to get a set when they released to celebrate Luna's return. Quite the conversation piece, perfect for discussing history- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

Arca looked at Twilight and tilted his head, confused, as he finished pouring the liquid into the cup. "...did you not want apple juice?"

"You don't just use limited edition items like that! You need to put them in a display case so that everypony can see them, not ruin the value by actually drinking out of them!"

"...but they're made for drinking from. And these are my cups."

"You're missing the point! Look here." She levitated one of the goblets close in her magic and began looking it over. "Like this one, is based off the royal alchemist's goblet, has potion designs and should have a serial number right here at the base…"

"Can I have my cup back now?"

"Not until I find the serial number and prove that these are collectible!"

Arca glanced at Celestia. "I don't think Silver Smith knew what cereal numbers were when he made these, did he? Here's your cup, Princess-Boss. Hey, what's a cereal number anyway? Is that like… how many pieces of Tasty-Os you can fit in there?"

"Twilight." Celestia's calm voice snapped the young princess to attention. "Did you find the serial number?"

Twilight frowned. "No. I think these might be fakes, Celestia. Where did you get these, Arcane?"

Arca shrugged. "The castle, obviously. Celestia told everypony to take what we could and run when Luna got all edgy and stuff."

"Wait, but that would make these… the… the originals…"

"Can I have my cup back now? Please?"

Twilight tried to sputter out a response, but couldn't form the words. Razzle silently plucked the goblet out of Twilight's magic with her succupony wing and passed it to her crush. "Thanks, Razzle."

"Love you too."

Twilight finally regained her senses as Arca took a sip from the mug. "Wait! Wait! If they're the origionals, that's even worse! Those belong in a museum!"

Arca finished chugging his juice, wiped his mouth with a wing, and cast another quizzical glance Twilight's way. "Why? They're my cups. Celestia said I could keep them."

"But what if they break? They must be worth millions! The originals were lost in the evacuation of the castle!"

"They weren't lost… and I put some serious enchantments on 'em to keep them from even getting scuffed. Not much can say it's survived in my house for so long."

"But… but… what about the history in them! Think about how much they could tell us about that time period!"

Mage Meadowbrook allowed a musical laugh to escape her lips. "Dearie, if you think studying those old mugs can tell you more about way back when than Arca, Celestia, and I can, you're crazier than my colt here!"

"But…"

Juniper, already sitting nonchalantly at the table, raised her goblet halfheartedly. Based off the lunar motif, it had to have been Luna's. "With all due respect, Twilight, give it up. We've all had this conversation before, and it all ends with these things going back in the cupboard."

"Oh! Right! I almost forgot the tablecloth!" Arca zipped away and after a few shuffling and crashing noises (along with a distant quack), arca proudly emerged from another room with a slightly stained tablecloth bearing a design that, at a glance, looked like it came from the ancient Maresopatamians.

And Twilight screamed in horror at seeing it in such disrepair, before promptly fainting.

"Whoa," Arca mumbled to himself as he laid the tablecloth on the small table. "Never seen somepony so scared of a thrift store tablecloth before."

Author's Note

"I still don't see why she got all up in a tizzy over my cup. It even has my name engraved in the base here!"

I agree. The only thing that old worth talking about is your lack of a mare, Arcane. I'm still waiting for grandfoals."

"MOM! MUST YOU?!"

Memo from the past

THE LIST OF THINGS THAT ARCANE CATALYST MAY NOT DO AT LOONEY BIN'S ASYLUM FOR THE INSANE

-Arca is not allowed to magically alter the printing press to make all our outgoing mail get sent to his cell because 'he felt lonely'.
-Under no circumstances is Arca to find out this is an asylum. He thinks it is a resort hotel, keep it that way.
-Electroshock therapy is not a 'new spa treatment', and Arca is not allowed to encourage staff to join him.
-Padded walls are not to be used for pillow fights.
-Conjugal visits are not allowed anymore until somepony figures out how to explain what that really means to Arca.
-Razzle Dazzle is not allowed to attempt the above explanation until she pays for the cleanup of the flock of birds and swarm of bees Arca summoned.
-The asylum does not have any secret rooms, puzzle doors, dark cults, or anything else one would find in an Ogres & Oubliettes campaign.
-Monitor Arca during feeding times, lest he mix the drinks and food into a potion of varying danger and effectiveness.
-Arca is no longer allowed to purposely act out in order to receive a dose of the 'Happy night-night needle' sedative.
-He is also not allowed to brew his own.
-Arca has used several methods to attempt escape. Be on the lookout for any of the following, and similar plans:

Sneaking around in a cardboard box

Excessive dynamite

Asking nicely

Asking visitors if they are 'bad enough dudes' to rescue him

Musical numbers

ANYTHING involving asparagus

Catapults made during craft time

Murder mystery competitoons hosted by a two-tone stuffed animal

Using a Get out of jail free card from Marenopoly

Warp gates

-Although playing Beethoofen's 5th symphony on the bongos was an impressive feat, Arca is not allowed to play music during sing-along hour unless it has lyrics.
-Death metal is no longer allowed during sing-along hour.
-You know what, Arca is banned from sing-along hour.
-Following 'the incident nopony wants to mention', Arca is no longer allowed within 50 feet of a yogurt cup.
-If The Duck is within 50 miles of the building, and you will know as Arca will become agitated, nothing will hold him. Leave him on the front steps of the building, hide in the basement, and pray.
-"Crazy-hooves Joe said I could" is not an excuse for breaking the rules.
-Double-dog dares are not excuses, either.
-Straightjackets are not to be used for any of the following:

Ropes

Badass capes

Kites

Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man! Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man! Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man!

"Trussing up varmints"

That one trick with the yo-yo

-Princess Celestia is allowed to visit Arca at any time, provided he is aware of her visiting.
-Even though 'Mister Splinters' is completely tame (somehow), no timberwolves are allowed for show and tell.
-If Arca has to ask, he probably shouldn't know.
-If you have to ask Arca, you probably don't want to know either.
-There are not ninjas in the building. And if there were, the fact that anypony knows they are here means they aren't doing their job.
-No, Arca is not a ninja. That certificate was written in crayon.
-Arca can be placated with candy, but only in an emergency. Celestia help us if he has a sugar rush.
-Brain surgery is not an option. Under all that crazy is one of the smartest minds in Equestria. Even if that mind is highly unstable.
-Do NOT tell any new staff that Arca doesn't age. The thought of working with him from day one until retirement is enough to make the staff as crazy as the patients.
-If Arca claims to have lost 'something important', put the building on lockdown until it is known how dangerous the thing is.
-If Arca is concerned about something, it's usually worth fixing.
-Just because half the patients beat their heads against the wall, Arca is not allowed to do it to "fit in with the cool colts."
-Trying to kill a spider is also not an excuse to headbutt a hole in the wall.
-Arca is no longer allowed at the morning workout after replacing the usual music with a techno rave.
~~-~~Arca is allowed to disregard all rules on this list at his leisure
-Arca is not to edit this list, even if he asks Celestia to change it for him. Sorry, your majesty.
-Arca is not allowed to prove dark magic works through tinfoil hats. That just makes things worse.
-No selling potions to any patients or staff, or brewing potions on site.

"Why does it cut off right here, Celestia?" Twilight looked up from the torn, singed piece of paper. Celestia had given her one of the older lists from an asylum that had long since been shut down.

Celestia gazed out the train window as the royal coach rattled along on its way back to Canterlot. "Allow me to answer your question with a question. What happened to Looney Bin's Asylum for the Insane?"

"That's easy," Twilight replied, sitting up and adopting a lecturer's posture. "it's one of the biggest unsolved mysteries of that place. There was a massive explosion and fire that burned the whole place down without any injuries. It had to have been deliberate since no pony was hurt, but the only pony alive at the time capable of precise magic on that big a scale is you, and you weren't involved."

Celestia sipped her tea, wondering if Twilight would put two and two together. Maybe just one more nudge in the right direction… "And after today, and reading that list, which was the only document to survive the fire, can you really say I was the only pony who could have detonated the place?" She watched as Twilight's eyes widened, the pieces finally fitting together. "Yes, before news of the explosion and fire even reached me, Arcane was marching into my throne room in a tattered straight jacket and carrying that paper. Once he heard that last rule, he decided that with nowhere to sell potions, his 'vacation' was officially over. The staff mounted a defense to try and stop him, but… well, you know the rest. I'm surprised it took him that long to snap."

"Wait," Spike chimed in, setting his sapphire cupcake aside. "You say that like you knew he was going to blow the place up."

"Oh, I did." A chuckle escaped the lips of the solar princess. "That place was covering up several crimes against equinity: illegal and inequine 'treatments', subpar sanitation, staff without proper credentials… they hid it well enough that I couldn't take direct action… so I simply sent them a new patient. One that only one place has been able to hold. The rest took care of itself, nopony was hurt, and that horrid place had to rebuild under my supervision for compliance to health laws."

Twilight shook her head slightly, allowing the information to settle. "Okay, I definitely believe you now that he's that powerful. But what facility can hold Arca, if that place couldn't?"

Celestia grinned. "The only place that can hold Arcane isn't even aware it's holding him. Rainbow Falls."

Author's Note

"Wait, Arca can leave Rainbow Falls whenever he wants. It's not really good at keeping him there."

"Oh, my faithful student, you still have a lot to learn. Yes, he can leave whenever he pleases. But he always goes back there... It's worked for 600 years, why stop now?"

Potato Soup

A pleasant breeze blew across the cloudtops as another 'peaceful' day passed in Rainbow falls. Which is to say, nothing had happened and everypony was on edge, but given that it was already noon and nothing had blown up yet, the tension was dying down.

There was always one exception, though. A shadowy figure darted amidst the shadows and ducked into an alleyway in the residential district. The mysterious pony was obscured by a cloak, and carried a closed basket. Had anypony noticed, they would have found this incredibly suspicious, but years of practice had given the cloaked pony the skills they needed to evade detection.

Sitting down amidst a few broken bottles and trash bins, Juniper Berry looked for any sign of being seen, took off her cloak, and opened her lunchbox.

"Finally!" She quietly cheered to herself. "I think I finally got away unnoticed. Now then, before Arca even tries looking for me, I'll get this out of the way first…" The pegasus carefully removed the crown jewel of her lunch: a delicious-looking lollipop from the local confectioner, wrapped up and ready to eat. She gently tore the wrapping away as slowly and cautiously as she could, careful not to make a noise or-

*crinkle*

"I HEARD CANDY!"

The instant the package started to tear, the door of the long-abandoned house she was sitting behind slammed open to reveal none other than Arca. "I heard candy wheres the candy. Candy candy candy can- Juniper! I knew I heard you opening candy. Wanna trade lunches?"

Juniper facehooved and let out a groan as her boss sat down beside her. "How. How did you even find me here, Boss?!"

"I dunno."

Another sigh and the beginning of a headache told Juniper that pursuing that line of thought was not a good idea for her sanity. "Whatever. And no, you cannot have my lollipop. Go buy your own."

"But I wanna trade lunches! You don't even know what I'm offering!" The alchemist whined, ears drooping. That might have worked on other ponies, but Juniper just shot a disappointed glare at him.

"And you don't know what I have for lunch, either. You just want the lollipop."

"Your point?"

"I don't want your lunch, Boss."

"But I made fresh potato soup!" Arca levitated out a covered bowl from behind him, grinning. "I spent a lot of time on it!" Curious, Juniper lifted the cover, took one look at the dish, and recoiled.

"That doesn't look like potato soup to me! It's not even warm!"

Arca rubbed the back of his head with a hoof. "Well, you eat some soup cold! And this is my own recipe." As his apprentice didn't give a response, he continued. "Well, see, I was making potato SALAD, but then I kinda spilled an entire gallon of water in the bowl. So now it's potato soup! Go ahead. Try it. Eat it. Gimmie lollipop." He levitated it closer to Juniper, who simply turned away and rooted through her lunch box for her sandwiches.

"Don't you have somepony else to go bother while I'm on break?"

"I did, but then Mayor Silver kicked me out of his office. Literally."

The pair had a brief staredown, but suddenly Arca perked up, his ears twitching. "WAIT! Hold up. I have a customer! Rgh… you win this round, Juniper! But next time I'm trading for sure!" Defeated, Arca galloped off in the wrong direction to go back to the shop. Juniper knew better, though. He'd be back before the customer reached the counter, regardless of how impossible it would be for anypony else to travel that far, that fast. Smiling in her victory, she closed her eyes, and bit down to enjoy the sweet treat that she and her boss shared an addiction to.

And her teeth met empty air. Glancing down, she found a hastily scrawled note, with the letters "I.O.U." barely legible. Clearly Arca's best display of penmanship in months. Still, that did nothing to put her mind at ease, and she shouted in defeat and frustration.

"ARCA!"

And as that noise echoed through the town, the denizens of Rainbow Falls knew that the day's fiasco had occurred at last, and they could finally relax. Until tomorrow, at least.

Author's Note

Its back
Rejoice
and maybe gib lolly

Fine print

"Alright, so with that in mind, we can allocate a few hundred bits a month from the new budget to the library fund, while still maintaining the agricultural funding… but we may have to cut a bit out of the public works fund unless I can convince a certain pony to only destroy half of town square every OTHER month With his experiments."

"Have you considered simply asking for more from the crown, Silver Scroll? I know Arca can be a bit of a cost sink, I'm sure I could-"

Mayor Silver cut off Princess Celestia with a wave of his hoof. "No, no, your majesty. I wouldn't want to impose on the treasury more than I need to. Besides, that would probably only serve to encourage the colt."

Celestia pondered that thought for a long moment before responding. "I suppose you have a point, Silver. I must say, though, I can't think of any other politician who'd willingly turn down an offer of a budget increase from the Princess herself. You make a fine mayor. If even half of the equestrian government were like you, I wouldn't need to worry about corruption and sw-"

"GOOD AFTERNOON, MAYOR SILVER!" Celestia was abruptly cut off as a very familiar, very loud alchemist pony burst into the conference room and slammed the door in her face. Which was rather impressive, given that she had elected to sit as far from the door as she could to avoid such a situation.

"Arcane!" Silver didn't even bother checking on Celestia. He knew she'd be fine, especially with Arca on the scene. Unpredictable as he was, he still was one of the best medicine ponies in the world with his alchemy. "How many times have I told you not to break down my door when you need to speak with me?"

"Um… Fifty-five and a half times, not counting the two times I didn't realize you weren't in your office. Why do you ask?" The orange pony tilted his head to the side, confused by what he felt was an out-of-place question. "Are you trying to get obscure facts together for a trivia night or something?"

"No, I need you to understand that- ugh, forget it." Silver grabbed the flask from his saddlebags, unscrewed the top, and downed the contents in a single gulp. He vaguely recalled a time when new visitors to the town thought it was filled with alcohol, but it was just a headache prevention potion created by, ironically, the number one source of headaches for the mayor. Paperwork was a close second. "What do you want?"

"I made you cookies!" Arca levitated in a small tray of an admittedly delicious-smelling confection, moving it uncomfortably close to Silver. "Try one! Take it. Eat it."

Silver simply pushed the trau away with a hoof, looking at Arca skeptically. He was expecting him to be holding a clipboard, as he often did for his 'surprise potion tests', but this time there were no papers or notes in sight. "And the catch is…?"

"Nothing! No catch! Not at all!"

"Yeah, I'm not eating those. Too risky."

"I'll try one."

Both ponies looked over at Celestia as she stood up, none the worse for wear despite taking a door to the face. "He may not compare to my personal chefs, but it's been an age since I've had one of his old recipes." Arca grinned wider than Silver thought possible for a brief second as Celestia gingerly took one of the confections and bit into it. "He uses techniques mostly lost to time, and usually the potions he laces them with aren't harmful, so there isn't much issue. These are delicious, Arc- where'd he go? He was standing right there a moment ago." Celestia looked around, confused. She had expected her old friend to stay there and tell her what he had done to the cookies.

Instead, in the distance, the screaming started.

Silver sighed, picking up the piece of paper hidden under the plate. "You've been away too long, princess. It's not always the cookies that are the problem." He showed her the paper.

By eating these cookies, you hereby forgive Arcane Catalyst for accidentally pouring his new mane growth potion into the town well. P.S. it really was an accident this time I swear.

Celestia groaned. "Oh, floof."

Silver just sighed, shaking his head in defeat. "Now, about that budget… I think Rainbow Falls is going to need a few extra bits to hire ANOTHER therapist from out of town for this incident. I swear, they quit faster than we can find new ones…"

Author's Note

"Boss, how do you dump an entire vat of potion down a well twenty blocks away from the shop... ON ACCIDENT?!"

"Don't underestimate me, Juniper. On an unrelated note, have a cookie."

Help(me) wanted

"Boss?" Juniper called up to the dusty attic of the building. Arca had been up there rummaging around for quite a while. If it wasn't for the occasional strange noise (the strangest so far having been a drunk sounding stallion ranting about the multiverse and some kind of dipping sauce), nopony would have even realized he was up there. "What exactly are you looking for?"

There was a sudden jingling as the front door of the shop opened. Juniper had to do a double-take as Arca trotted in the front door with a takeout bag from hayburger. "Oh, hey Juniper. Did I find that thing in the attic yet?"

"I- you- but-" The pegasus shook the confusion from her head. Arca was being impossible again, she just needed to play along and it would go away. "Forget it. No, 'you' didn't find anything. Why don't you go look for yourself?"

"Well, I would, but I actually found what I was looking for at Hayburger. It was just hanging in the window! And here I was thinking I had put it in the attic. Behold!" He proudly held up a laminated rectangle in his magic. "The Help Wanted sign! We've been picking up more tourist traffic than ever lately, so I think it's high time we find somepony to work alongside you! Also the lab's on fire after I tried making S'mores and it's gonna be a three-pony job to fix."

"Wait what was that last par-"

"There we go!" Already having turned away, he hung the sign in the front window. "Now we wait for the crowd of teenagers who don't have two year's experience of having two year's experience." Almost immediately, there was a knock at the door. "See? We already have an applicant! Good morning sir or ma'am, welcome to Alchemiracles, are you looking for employment today?" Throwing the door open, Arca found himself nearly touching muzzles with a very excited-looking Razzle Dazzle holding a resume in her mouth, tail wagging like a dog.

"No."

"Pleeeeeease?" She looked at her crush with puppy-dog eyes, honed over centuries of practice.

"Don't you have a supermodel thing to go do instead of hiding… where were you hiding, anyway?"

"I was hiding under your porch because I love you!"

For a moment, Arca did not respond. Then, he let out a loud, annoyed groan. "And what are you two doing here? I thought we talked about this last month." He asked past Razzle.

"Hello there, Mr… Catalyst, correct? My sister and I are here to apply for part-time jobs here at Alchemiracles. Our workload recently was lessened and we'd like to have some extra income for a rainy day."

"Verily, we think thou whilst find our resumes to be most exceptional! We are more qualified than our sister, though."

Celestia and Luna now stood behind Razzle. Any other pony would have probably fainted upon seeing the Celestial sisters applying for a job, but Arca wasn't most ponies. "I thought I talked you two out of retiring."

"Have you met my faithful student turned fellow princess, Arcane? She did all my paperwork. All of it. Before I even woke up! I just had to run day court and had the afternoon free."

"So my princess-boss, other princess-boss, and a clingy, immortal supermodel are all applying to work here." He let out a sigh before crying out to the sky. "Anypony ELSE wanna apply?!"

"Quack."

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT MY MOTHER?! GET OVER HERE YOU STUPID DUCK, I'M GONNA FIRE YOU UNTIL YOU'RE WELL DONE!" Arca barreled past all three applicants, rage in his eyes as he chased his lifelong rival off the property.

Juniper just shook her head sadly as she imagined the news tomorrow. "Well, I guess it's my job to screen you lot until he gets back. Apparently the lab's on fire, so let's see how your emergency response skills are…"

One hour and 7 million bits in collateral damage later, Arca returned covered in glitter glue, eucalyptus leaves, and soot, and somehow he had swapped his lab coat for a tye-dye tuxedo and a pink ten-gallon hat. Nopony found this abnormal: in fact, it was one of his tamer rampages against The Duck.

"Got away again, Arcie-warkie? Need me to kiss anything better?" Razzle fluttered her eyelashes at Arca, who just shot a glare her way before sitting behind the counter.

"So what are your qualifications?"

Celestia didn't waste any time. "I have over 2,000 year's experience with business practices. If I recall, I have personally trained you in advanced alchemy after Mage Meadowbrook disappeared, and while I will admit you have surpassed me in that regard I am still among the best potion makers in Equestria."

Luna spoke next. "We do not know much about alchemy, but we have spent decades on the battlefields defending Equestria! We shall happily assist thee in guarding the store and also hunting that waterfowl the seems to elude thy grasp!"

Razzle giggled as she imagined the kind of unbridled destruction Arca would be capable of causing if he teamed up with Luna. "Well, I was your apprentice a few centuries ago. You remember how good I was at that. Also, I might not be able to work all the time because I have photoshoots and events to attend, but I'd gladly mention your shop for publicity and also let the world know we're perfect for each other. Also I'd be available for dates at any time, just say the word."

"Are you ever gonna drop that? Fine, maybe I'll take you on one date to humor you… eventually. Now then, where do you lot see yourselves in five years?"

"Happily married to my darling Arca with a foal on the way."

"Hopefully Twilight will work with us to build a brighter future for the kingdom."

"We agree! We look forward to working with Sparkle! And hopefully here as well, should thou allow us."

"I hope to be right here in five years, still making potions!" Everypony turned to face Arca, who had somehow moved over to the other side of the counter and was sitting next to Luna as if he was another applicant. "Okay Juniper, your turn!"

Juniper facehooved. "I have a question. Why me?"

Author's Note

Well? I'm leaving it up to you readers. Who, if anypony, should Arca hire into the shop? Luna? Celestia? Razzle? Maybe more than one?

The Untitled Duck Chapter

I am Duck. Duck is me.

Duck who is me have lived long time. Can hear call of migration. Go home, make nest. Find girl duck, make eggs. Call of nature.

Duck who is me needs supplies for nest to attract female duck.

Am begin search in cluster of caves. Stone, but have many things in them. Colorful creatures live in caves. Run when they see Duck that is me. Leave things to decorate nest. Shiny things that female duck like.

First cave. Colorful creature makes a loud noise and runs off screaming as Duck that is me flies in opening. 'Window', colorful creatures call it. Look around. Fire in small alcove, pot of food above it. Food hot, do not eat. Must find shiny things for nest. Waddle over to table. Duck who is me finds fresh loaf of bread. Eats. Good bread. Happy quacks. And luck is good! Duck who is me finds long, flat shiny object for nest. Sharp on one end. Duck that is me picks up not-sharp end and flaps wings to fly away. Shiny thing slightly heavy, lose balance in air. Fly over out of control and slam into food container. Drops food in fire. Fire spread. Duck that is me leaves, too warm for Duck that is me.

Second cave is not on fire. Duck that is me walks in open door. Colorful creature inside is small, is it Child creature? Child colorful creature says hello and pets Duck that is me on head. Pets feel nice. Child colorful creature goes to other room of cave. Duck that is me follows. Child colorful creature shows Duck that is me fake Duck. Not interested, but child colorful creature has shiny glass thing over eyes. Duck that is me takes shiny glass thing off of face. Child colorful creature makes sad noises. Not sure why. Duck that is me waddles outside and takes to nest. Next cave might have shiny thing too.

Third cave is cave of orange creature who plays with Duck that is me. Has many shiny things. Shiny things for nest that are filled with colorful liquid. Duck that is me sees orange creature is making noises at tall dark creature with shiny things on hooves and head. Shiny things for nest? Duck that is me quacks in greeting to orange creature friend.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU STUPID BIRD!"

Orange creature leaps away from tall dark creature and attempts to hug Duck that is me. Do not feel like hug night now. Flap wings twice, orange friend hits ground underneath and makes long trench from impact. Coughs up many dirt. Duck that is me waddles inside.

"Arcane, art thou alright?"

Arca grumbled as he popped his dislocated front leg back into place. "I'm fine. But as one of my new part-timers, I think I need to explain that you are under contract to GET THAT DUCK!"

"That silly little waterfowl is thine nemesis? And here we thought Sister said thou fought epic battles with thine foe…" Luna shook her head in disappointment. "We shall endeavor to end this silly chase."

"He took your crown."

"Wha- how- MOTHERBU-"

I am Duck. Duck is me. Duck who is me now has a shiny head thing from tall dark creature. It will look good in nest, attract many female ducks. Now Duck who is me looks for shiny objects in cave of orange creature. Shiny bell makes noise as Duck who is me waddles in.

"Oh! Customer! Welcome to alchemiracles, I'm Juniper. How can I… oh. Oh no. That's it, I'm taking my lunch break."

Green creature flies off. Look for shiny things now. Waddle to back area, grab shiny clear thing with red liquid inside from shelf. Hold in beak. Shiny thing look good in nest, attract many females to nest, make many eggs. Make Duck who is me happy.

Suddenly, am lifted off ground. Did not flap wings, am very confused. Duck must flap wings to leave ground. Oh, tall dark creature is here.

"Well, thou art not as slippery as Sister and Arcane have claimed, it would seem. Now, thou shalt return our crown at once!"

Tall dark creature is reaching for shiny head thing. No, Duck that is me needs shiny head thing for nest. No take. Duck that is me quacks to tell tall dark thing is mine. Quack. Wait, Duck that is me dropped shiny thing in beak. Falls to ground, breaks into many shiny pieces and spills liquid everywhere.

"Wait, what potion did thou just splash us with? Once we get our coat clean, we shall- uh… we feel tingly."

FLOOF

I am Duck. Duck is me. Fur is everywhere around Duck that is me. Dark fur. Still have shiny head thing from tall dark creature. Can hear orange creature shouting, sounds upset. Duck who is me yanks out some fur, hear tall dark creature yelp in shock. Dark fur will look good in nest. Attract many female ducks.

Duck who is me quacks happily.

Author's Note

"Luna, I can't believe you broke the entire stock of potions on your first day...

...that's a new record for my employees! See you next shift!"

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

"And here's the escape hatch to the cellar in case we ever get robbed."

"With all due respect, Juniper, I can move the sun across the sky. I think I can hold my own against a common mugger. Besides, I'm twice your size, there's no way I'd fit through there."

"Don't tell that to Arca or he'll be spending the next week excavating a bigger tunnel. And then he'll remember he needs a permit to do that, so he'll spend another week fixing it." Juniper shook her head, letting out a mix of a sigh and a giggle. She had spent the better half of the morning showing Celestia around the shop and teaching her to work the register so she could work at Alchemiracles part time, and it had honestly been a lot of fun to have somepony to talk to that wasn't as crazy as her boss.

Celestia glanced at the door to the lab in the back of the shop. "I do hope he's alright. He's been locked in there for hours ever since I gave him some tail hairs for an experiment he wanted to run." As if on cue, the door swung open, and the pony in question sulked out.

"I don't get it! I've been at this for six hours, and I keep bucking up!" He trotted over to the water pitcher behind the counter and poured himself a cup, downing it in a single gulp. "I get the finest ingredients, laser sharp focus on my craft, nothing! Celestia, I hate to ask, but I need more tail hair."

"Why, exactly?" Juniper inquired. "Trying a new potion, boss?"

"An old one. Like, really really old. 800 years old, as a matter of fact, from a travelling zebra I met. I got a special order from the hospital for a patient with a rare eye condition, and I specifically need the tail hair of a virgin mare to make it work! Stupid old-fashioned recipies," he grumbled to himself. Celestia, meanwhile, was actually blushing red. Juniper was surprised, she had never seen the princess like this but…

"O-oh! Sorry Arcane, I know what the problem is. I'm a bit too old for that recipe. You'll just have to improvise something. I know you can do it!"

"Well, if you won't fit the bill, I guess it's time for plan B."

As Arca trotted to the front door, Juniper leaned toward the still blushing solar princess. "P-princess?"

"Hush!" She whispered back at Juniper abruptly. "It's not exactly a national secret, but don't tell Arca I've been around the block a few times. I don't think he could handle it."

"Got it. But while I'm fine with that, if I know my boss, it's time to teach you about the hardest part of the job…" Juniper watched with a sigh, knowing she was in for a long day, as Arca kicked the front door of the shop open, and called out loud enough that ponies could hear him on the market street at the end the Arca limit.

"I REQUIRE A VIRGIN SACRIFICE!"

"...damage control."

Unlike most towns, when a crazed pony in a labcoat barges into the market street asking for a virgin sacrifice, nopony really paid Arca any mind. Yes, the tourists and new residents ran screaming, but that was inevitable. Most simply gave Arcane a polite greeting as he blatantly wandered around requesting his rather peculiar ingredient. Celestia and Juniper were following close behind, in case anything went wrong-

"Hi miss, are you a virgin?"

SLAP

"Ow! What was that for? It was only a question! Do you have a sister or someth-"

SLAP

"OW!"

As the orange alchemist teleported away in defeat to another part of the street, Celestia and Juniper dashed off after him. "Ah, this takes me back, I remember having to deal with this centuries ago! The stories I could tell you, Juniper."

"I really don't wanna think about what he was like before modern laws were in place."

"Pretty much the same, but he got in trouble less."

SLAP
"Why do ponies keep hitting me today?"

"Eh, you can tell me more later. Now follow that alchemist!"

Razzle Dazzle was in the middle of a very important press interview with members from a top-rated fashion magazine when suddenly, a familiar pony in a familiar lab coat came crashing through the window. To her credit, Razzle was the only one who didn't even flinch, having known the culprit for longer than most ponies could trace their lineage back in time. "Arca! While I do appreciate your presence, I would appreciate it if you didn't startle the cameraponies."

"Oh! Hi Razzle! Happy slap-ponies-in-the-face day, I think. I really need to keep track of my holidays, that last Earth pony tossed me through a window!" Arca got up and brushed himself off. "How are you?"

"Busy. What are you up to? Don't you have a shop to look after?"

"Nah, Celestia and Juniper have that covered. I'm busy chasing tail!" He cheerfully started walking out as Razzle frantically stood up from her seat.

"Wait, it's finally time?! Oh Arcie, I've saved my first time for this moment! I'm all yours!"

"Yeah, I need a virgin mare to help me with a… problem in the lab, as it were. Hold up… Razzle, are you a virgin?"

"Yes! And you can do whatever you want with me~" she replied with bedroom eyes.

BZZZZZZT

Razzle Dazzle's eyes went wide as she felt a magically powered razor sheared off her entire tail at the base. "Gee, thanks Razzle! You're the best, this is just what I needed for my potion! By the way, you're like 600 years old, you need to get laid. I think that's how the saying goes, anyway… well, have fun with your interview!" And in a flash of teleportation, he was gone.

Celestia poked her head in the window not a second later. "Excuse me, did an orange pony in a lab coat come crashing through here- oh. Razzle. I… see Arca got what he was looking for. Is he still as dense as ever?"

"No, he got worse."

Author's Note

It's rare an idea has me laughing all the way through the writing process. Really, really rare. This one did it.
I'm proud of this chapter.

A delicious list

When one works 9-5 as the manager of a Hayburger, one usually gets called out of the manager's office for annoying things. A pipe broke. A mare is upset about her order being wrong. The new colt can't figure out how to use the deep fryer without burning himself. Trivialities, that mostly serve to eat up time and make the day trudge by.

So when Princess bucking Celestia walked in and asked for the manager, Crinkle Cut was a little concerned.

"I assure you, your highness. Whatever you want, it's on the house!" He declared as he bowed.

"Hm… well, what I require isn't exactly on the menu, Mr. Cut. I need… your list."

"My… list?" He asked, perplexed. But then his face lit up with realization. "Ah, that list! Of course, let me get you a copy!" He returned quickly, passing off a stack of notes scribbled on receipts and napkins. Celestia picked a few at random, read the snippets of text on them, and rolled her eyes.

"Now I see why Arcane was so insistent on me going to get lunch for everypony instead of doing it himself. I had my hunches, given how excited he was to order 57 packets of sweet & sour sauce. Now then, if you don't mind, I'd like a Hayburger Supreme, to keep me occupied while I read…"

THE ARCA LIST: HAYBURGER EDITION

-Arca is under no circumstances to be permitted access to the soda fountain. Even then, he is only allowed diet, caffine-free soda.
-There is no such thing as 'enough napkins' when Arca visits.
-Arca is not allowed to hijack a cart and bring it to the drive-thru in order to avoid the line inside.
-Speaking of the drive-thru, the name implies vehicles with wheels. Rowboats are not welcome in the drive-thru.
-No rollerskates either.
-Arca is not permitted more than 4 sweet & sour sauce packets per day, as he's mildly addicted to it and has zero sense of moderation.
-Arca is not allowed in the foal's playground.
-Even if The Duck has waddled in there.
-The air dryer in the bathroom is not a wind tunnel for paper airplanes made from receipts.
-Any of Arca's dining companions get an extra order of 'pity fries' as a buffer in case Arca tries to eat theirs.
-Wet floors are NOT slip-n-slides.
-Unicycles are not permitted in the drive-thru, either.
-Arca is to be given a foal's toy with his meals, even if it is not a foal's meal.
-One straw per cup.
-One lid per cup.
-No more than one cup per cup.
-You know what, Arca is not allowed to get his own drinks.
-There is no 'secret menu'. And even if there was, 'Duck nuggets' would not be an option.
-Just because there is a small drain in the bathroom floor to deal with an overflowing sink, does not mean Arca is allowed to clog the sink and test it.
-No I.O.U.s allowed.
-Do not tell Arca we use iceberg lettuce, or he will try and make a miniature replica of the Tailtanic from placemats to re-enact the movie. There will be singing. Off-key. You have been warned.
-Mounted animals are not considered vehicles from the drive-thru. Especially not Arca's pet timberwolf, Mr. Splinters.
-Asking anypony "Would you like to supersize that?" Within earshot of Arca is just asking for trouble.
-Wet floors are not to be magically frozen for ice skating.
-Sitting by the window to watch ponies go about their day is fine, but using binoculars makes it creepy.
-Pre-tear any ketchup packets for Arca, lest he try to do it himself and send ketchup flying everywhere.
-Any employees who neglect the above rule are responsible for cleaning up the resulting mess.
-Zeppelins, hot air balloons, and other airships are not allowed in the drive-thru.
-You know what, Arca is not permitted to use the drive-thru.
-Yes, all drinks have unlimited refills. No, that is not a challenge.
-In the event of an emergency that Arca is present for, offer free prench fries to anypony who can stop the problem and stand back.
-Condiments are not to be mixed for potions on-site.
-If Arca is on fire, bleeding, or suffering from any other kind of major injury, he is to be turned away at the door.
-There is no 'tab' for paying later.
-Happy dances for winning promotional giveaways are to be limited to 5 minutes.
-We do not do delivery, and even if we did, would anypony even want to deliver inside the Arca Limit?
-The Duck may be offered a few prench fries at employee's discretion. It's not a dangerous animal unless Arca is around.
-For Celestia's sake, never let Arca try and fix the ice cream machine if it's broken. Some staff still have flashbacks.

Author's Note

I want fast food now, writing this made me hungry.

And LAUNCH!

"Something wrong, Juniper?"

Juniper Berry, a forest-green pegasus with a violet mane, shook her head as her mind snapped back to reality. She looked over across the counter, where a white earth pony with a pink mane was restocking potions. How nopony realized 'Sunny Day' was just Celestia in disguise continued to baffle Juniper, but having somepony else who understood her employer's… eccentricities was always a welcome boon.

"Huh? Wha- oh. Sorry Sunny, I zoned out for a minute there. I feel like I've been sitting here for a year and a half or something. Almost feels like I missed a big, world-changing event."

Sunny Day shrugged. "In all my years of ruling, and I hope Twilight picks up on this quickly, I've found it's best to just live in the moment. I hope she becomes a fine co-ruler to me and Luna… I enjoy these days off from ruling."

"You make it sound like working here with Arca's shenanigans, Razzle's constant crushing, and the occasional duck-related problem makes this town any less hectic. Actually, speaking of the boss, I haven't seen him all day. Which is concerning. Where is he?"

"I'm right here!"

To Juniper's credit, she did not flinch from hearing a voice next to her when there was absolutely not anything there a moment ago. Years of working under one of Equestria's most unpredictable ponies has that effect. Juniper casually looked down. Poking out of a cleverly hidden trapdoor was a vibrantly orange stallion. His horn poked out from his highly unkempt purple mane with yellow tips, and his bright green eyes held a subtle hint of madness to them that most would not notice at first. "Boss," she greeted casually. "I thought there were no secret entrances behind the counter."

"Behind, no. Under the counter, yes." Arcane Catalyst, Royal alchemist and third oldest pony in Equestria, scrambled out from his entry point and dusted off his labcoat. "Sorry I took so long. Turns out the post office won't let you mail highly concentrated acids. I thought it was only explosives that were banned. So unless a certain pretty princess wants to write me a note of exception…" he glanced over hopefully to Sunny.

Not even bothering to turn away from the shelf she was arranging potions on, Sunny effortlessly switched her voice back to the of her true, motherly princess tone. "No, Arca."

"...then I need to get to work building a really big catapult. I'll be in my lab!" Arca skirted past Juniper and headed through the door marked 'Lab coats required at all times' at the rear of the shop. "And Sunny, don't forget to mark all the heat-resistance potions as 30% off! This week's gonna be a hot one…" Slamming the door behind him and nearly toppling a shelf over, the storefront of Alchemiracles was once again quiet.

Juniper nervously looked left and right before settling her gaze on Sunny Day. "Does… does he mean heat as in temperature, or heat as in estr-"

Sunny held up a hoof to stop Juniper with a warm smile. "Arcane may be one thousand years your senior, Juniper, but I don't think anypony has ever explained to him the difference between heat and heat. Luna, Discord, Cadence and I all have a betting pool on how long it takes him to figure it out."

"...Riiiight." Juniper let out a sigh and went back to what she had been doing: counting the bits in the register. As far as days in Rainbow Falls go, this was a fairly peaceful afternoon, and she had learned to appreciate days where no explosions occurred.

At least, that was the plan until the door jingled as two smartly dressed stallions walked in.

Juniper instantly switched to her customer service face and greeted them with a smile. "Hello, welcome to Alchemiracles. How can I help you?"

The first stallion, a tall unicorn with a dark gray coat and a dull brown mane, smiled back. "I appreciate the welcome, my dear, but it should be us asking how we can help you. My name is Secret Formula and this here," he gestured to his partner, a dull brown earth pony with a dark gray mane. "Is my compatriot, Safe Operation. We represent the recently-formed Royal committee of Alchemists, tasked by the crown to assist potion makers in organizing a master compendium of all potion recipes."

Sunny day, with the practice of a few thousand years of politics, looked surprised, but skeptical. "I was unaware such a committee existed," she remarked.

"Her majesty Princess Celestia approved it last week, ma'am," replied Safe Operation with a grin. Of course, he had no way of knowing that he was talking to Celestia herself in disguise. "Now, may we speak to whoever comes up with the recipes around here?"

Sunny thought to herself for a moment. Juniper as well. Both shared a mutual nod of understanding that given their boss's nature, this was no threat at all to them. "He's back in his laboratory, but he should be-"

"Thank you! We'll be just a minute."

"-busy." Sunny glanced at Juniper and quietly cast some shielding enchantments on them both from under her earth pony illusion. "Juniper, brace for Arca."

Arcane Catalyst was having a very fun time in his lab. Not twenty minutes and he'd already assembled a working prototype catapult capable of launching things across town! He'd calibrate the aim later, he told himself, taking a moment to get a drink of… whatever was in the unmarked potion he was drinking from. Tasted like citrus and oats, so probably a healing potion. He lounged back in the bucket of the catapult as a makeshift chair, enjoying a moment of calm when the lab door opened.

Immediately, Arca's ears flipped up and his senses went on high alert. Whoever was coming in wasn't wearing a lab coat as per protocol. With practiced ease, he summoned a pair of coats and launched them at the intruders. "CAN'T YOU READ THE SIGN?! LAB COATS-"

A subtle click echoed through the room. Arca and the two businessponies looked over at the source of the noise, only to see that the flung lab coats had hit the catapult's lever with enough force to activate it.

Arca looked down to realize he was still in the catapult. "-required. Oh, bu-"

WHAM!

That was all he got out before the catapult fired, spinning its arm and slamming itself and Arca through the back wall of the shop and into the ground at extremely high speed. The shockwave shook the whole building, and several potions fell off the shelves in a series of crashes.

Safe Operation and Secret formula stared wide-eyed at the damage. "Uhm… perhaps we will come back later."

Juniper was already getting the mop out. "You think so, huh?"

Author's Note

"Boss, are you alright?!"

"That's the last time I build a catapult indoors... this month at least."

YES, I'M BACK! After a certain thing derailed our lives last year, I finally couldn't ignore the itch to write again. Maybe. It certainly won't be a daily thing, but expect to see me around again. Enough folks asked after all.

Consider this a refresh of the story. Same characters, but it's been a year and a half, so new perspectives and plotlines.

Fun fact: Secret and Safe were originally intended to be a corrupt labor union, but I was afraid that would step on a few too many toes. So instead they're trying to steal potion formulas for thier own company.

Baby, you're a firework

Arcane Catalyst was having a bit of a busy day. Razzle was back in town, and while he still didn't understand why saving her life multiple times made her interested in him, she was still a good friend when she wasn't trying anything crazy.

That was his job, after all.

But, but! He'd misplaced the letter she'd sent with a note on which train she'd be arriving on. So naturally the only solution was to sit at the train station. All day. And wait.

"...and then we get rid of her for good with this."

Arca's ears perked up. Someone was talking under the train platform! Finally, something interesting.

"Are you sure we can kill her with this much? We don't know how strong demon ponies are."

"It'll be enough, trust me. This much will send that whorse back to tartarus. Now help me move this crate. Razzle Dazzle won't live to see the- urk-"

Arca narrowed his eyes, having heard more than enough to cast a spell to freeze both ponies in place, along with a third who hadn't spoken yet. He warped in under the floorboards, glaring at the three ponies with an intensity most would never see from the usually whimsical, aloof potion maker. "For the record, even if you did 'kill' her, she'd just end up back in Tartarus and find her way out. Secondly…" His horn lit, warping the ponies to the Canterlot dungeons along with a note to Celestia explaining the situation. "...no hurting my friends."

Arca let out a sigh. Why would anypony be so mean? He hoped Celestia might understand, as he just couldn't think of a reason why anypony would want to harm Razzle. What would be next, ponies thinking timberwolves were dangerous? He turned around and came face to face with a large wooden crate. "Now, what have we here…" the alchemist squinted to read the writing on the crate in the darkness under the platform. "...high velocity explosives? So these things go really fast, then explode?"

"AWESOME! Celestia never lets me play with fireworks! I should go set these up!"

On a normal day, the Rainbow Falls Luxury Spa was somewhat quiet. Yes, they had treatments nowhere else had thanks to the rainbow liquid the town was famous for, but as a fairly out-of-the-way town, most clients were locals seeking relief from the tediums of day to day life, relaxation from sore muscles, or a long soak in the hot tub to forget whatever nonsense a certain resident caused on a near-weekly basis. Today, however, was not a normal day. Today, instead, the spa was booked solid and news reporters were swarming outside. After all, one of the world's most famous supermodels, the Razzle Dazzle, was having a spa day there today.

For the few not in the know, Razzle was, and still is, on the cover of several fashion magazines a month. A supermodel among supermodels, her light blue, almost white coat fell perfectly in line with her purple-and-orange mane and tail. But for the last few months, her popularity had soared: after a few loose-lipped aides (who were promptly fired, mind you) had blabbed, the whole world knew that her beauty was a bit more supernatural than many once thought. While the princesses had smoothed over the worst of it with some well-timed statements, Razzle Dazzle, or as she was once called, Jezebel, was the last known succupony, a race of love demons from the depths of Tartarus who were the ancestors to the changelings. In truth, the news made her even more desirable, and she was swatting down proposals and fans who had read one too many wish-fulfillment love stories left, right, and center.

After all, she had already given her heart and soul to another, and that was the only stallion for her. Razzle closed her eyes as she sunk deeper into the hot tub full of rainbow liquid, wondering what that undeniably wonderful, attractive, one-of-a-kind dreamboat of hers was doing right now…

On a hill outside of town, Arca had quietly set up the crate full of fireworks he'd found. This was going to be amazing! He loved fireworks, and so rarely got to see them. That being said, he was surprised he'd managed to get this crate all the way out of town without a guard at least lecturing him about safety. They must have been busy with whatever was going on at the spa right now. Still, a few minutes to launch these fireworks, and then Arca could get back to waiting for Razzle to show up! Lighting the fuse, he could only think about how much fun this was going to be, and how smart he was.

And the fuse kept burning, into the crate, and nothing happened.

"Wait, what? Nonono, there's no way it's a dud!" Arca galloped over and pried the lid off the crate, looking at the smoke from the fuse burning somewhere deep inside the pile of fireworks. He still didn't understand why they didn't look like fireworks, maybe it was a new model?

"Come on! Launch! There's supposed to be a big kaboom, and then a colorful explosion! WHERE IS MY BIG KA-"

Boom

Razzle Dazzle shot up in the rainbow hot tub, suddenly alert. What was that noise? It sounded like a distant explosion.

"Miss Dazzle! Miss Dazzle! I'm Front Page, a reporter for Vague magazine. We've heard rumors you took a part-time job at a potion shop here in Rainbow Falls. Care to tell us why? Is the celebrity life getting too hard for you?"

Razzle turned and glared at the reporter pony with all the anger she could muster. Not only was that a ridiculously insulting question, but she had specifically requested her bodyguards to ensure she was not disturbed! "Listen up, you. I don't know how you got in here, but you'd better get out of here before I get mad."

"But the public wants to know!"

Razzle growled at the stallion, her fangs visible for a half second. "I. Am. Trying. To. Relax. Now get out before I force you out myself."

"You wouldn't dare!"

Razzle's ears perked up. There was another sound, and it was getting louder. It almost sounded like-

Ah.

"...You are right, Mr. Front Page. I wouldn't dare. But you may want to back up a few steps regardless."

"...why?"

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
CRASH

Outside, it suddenly became very easy to tell who was from out of town. Not a single resident of Rainbow Falls so much as flinched when a pony-sized fireball was launched from across town and crashed through the roof of the spa, yelling as though it was enjoying itself. Every out-of-towner ran in terror.

Inside, Razzle lowered the pre-emptive shield spell she had cast to avoid debris. Stepping over a few ruined boards, she approached where Arca had landed with a rather sickening thud moments before. Picking the soot-covered, semi-dazed pony up, she gave him a big hug for helping her escape that nosy reporter. "My hero."

"Ah'm a pretty pretty firewerk…" Arca stammered out, still dizzy from the impact.

"My pretty pretty firework." And she kissed him on the lips, gently but with an obvious passion.

That snapped Arca back to reality. "OH SWEET CELESTIA, YOU GAVE ME THE COOTIES!"

Author's Note

What is it with Arca getting launched lately? Poor guy needs a break... is probably what I'd say if he actually got injured from any stunts he pulls.

He doesn't.

Never miss a beat

Mage Meadowbrook casually sipped her tea outside a local café on Market Street. As attached as she was to Hayseed Swamp, Rainbow Falls was quite a sight. In addition, it was home to some very rare ingredients, and on top of all that, her adoptive son lived there.

Speaking of her son, her mother's intuition was tingling. She could feel a hyperactive, unhinged presence rapidly approaching from behind. With a warm smile, she turned around to greet- nopony in particular? Odd. She turned back around to her tea, and nearly jumped when she saw Arca sipping on an apple juice box in the seat across from her.

"Mom! You came to visit!" The stallion grinned, getting out of his chair and approaching for a hug, which Meadowbrook of course reciprocated.

"You silly pony. I always come to visit." To her credit, she was right. Arca made the trip to Meadowbrook's every other month to visit her and gather swamp ingredients, and Meadowbrook did the same. "I was actually going to head over to your home once I was done. I thought you were open today."

Arca smiled. "We are! I left Juniper and Princess Luna- er, I mean the recently hired unicorn mare Star Chaser, in charge. I have to do some emergency, last-minute shopping. But I always make time for my mom!" He gave Meadow one last squeeze and let go, dropping back to all four hooves and circling back to his chair.

"Emergency shopping, hm? Would you like me to tag along, dear? I could use some new kitchen supplies, myself."

"Sure! I got a few hours before I need to be done, so I'll gladly help you out… although they never let me use the blenders at the kitchen supply stores."

Meadowbrook chuckled, imagining her son's antics. "I can only imagine why."

The sun was hanging high in the afternoon sky as the mother-son duo returned to Market Street. Having completed a fair amount of mundane shopping and sharing lunch together, the final stop was completing Arca's so-called 'emergency shopping run'. And so, the pair found themselves standing outside Sweet Symphony's music supply store, a high-end shop in the area of the market with the expensive shops.

'Expensive' meaning 'further away from the blast zone known as the Arca Limit', that is.

Meadowbrook was admittedly intrigued by her little one's need to shop at a music store. "Arca, I didn't know you knew how to play any instruments other than the banjo."

"Well yeah, I learned that in the swamps. But over the years I've also learned how to play the piano, the guitar, the drums, and the mayonnaise!"

"Uh, Arca, mayonnaise isn't-"

"Why does everypony keep saying it's not an instrument?! Nopony even lets me TRY anymore!" He groaned, swinging the door open. "Ugh, whatever. Let's go inside, this is very important."

The inside of the store was filled wall to wall with musical scores and equipment, brass instruments reflecting the light onto various string instruments. A bored-looking mare sat at the counter in the back, reading a book with a pair of headphones on her head hooked up to a record player.

Arca motioned for Meadowbrook to follow him up to the counter. She took a nice, big sip of the tea she had acquired in a to-go cup from a café. She probably wasn't needed in this interaction, so—

"Hello, ma'am! My name is Arcane Catalyst and I would like to purchase one sex!"

Meadowbrook promptly spit out her tea. "ARCANE CATALYST?!"

"Yes, Mom? Was your tea too hot?"

"WHAT IN THE BUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, YOUNG COLT!"

Arca tilted his head in confusion and pointed at a large brass instrument hanging on the wall. "Buying a sexaphone?"

Meadowbrook took a moment, groaned, and proceeded to slam her head on a nearby table. "Arca, that's a saxophone."

"But Razzle said she was going to teach me how to play the sex if I wanted to learn, and neither of us own a sexaphone! So I need to buy one!"

Meadowbrook didn't even move her head from its new resting place facedown on the table.

"Mom, I don't understand what the problem is. I'm just trying to buy an instrument. Razzle said we were going to make beautiful music together!"

Meadowbrook began banging her head into the table.

"Huh, apparently mom can play the table. If only I had some mayo we could do a duet. Oh wait, I remember a spell to make instruments play themselves! Let me just-"

"Quack."

Arca froze in place. His head slowly turned to the side, an expression of irritation covering his face. "Hm… I think I'll need to buy this guitar too." He reached over and picked up a rather expensive-looking electric guitar. "After all, in addition to an awesome song…" after he finished casting the spell to force the instruments to play a tune, he swung the guitar down at The Duck. "I NEED AN AXE!"

WHAM

"HOLD STILL! YOU'RE GONNA B-FLAT BY THE TIME I'M THROUGH WITH YOU!"

CRASH

"Quack."

"KEEP THAT UP AND I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW WELL I PLAY THE CANNON!"

CRUNCH

"OH YEAH? DODGE THIS!"

It was at that moment that Razzle Dazzle poked her head in the busted front door of the shop. The mare at the counter finally noticed a presence, and looked up. "Can I help you?" She asked, clearly not interested.

Razzle carefully stepped over some broken glass to get closer to the mare, and to avoid a few stray conductor's batons Arca was shooting like arrows from the stockroom with the bow of a violin. Not that she should’ve been worried, as his aim was terrible because he had somehow gotten his head stuck in a tuba. "Yes, although it seems my beloved has been busy here, so you might not be able to help me… but do you have any saxophones? I promised Arca I'd teach him to play."

Meadowbrook slammed her head into the table again.

Author's Note

"I still can't believe they got mad at me for breaking a Stratocaster guitar. It wasn't THAT expensive. For me at least."

"I'd straddle a caster. If he'd let me."

"Razzle, what the floof are you talking about?"

Arca gets on a train and nothing interesting happens, I swear

Today was a good day for Princess Luna, or as she was currently going by, Star Chaser. It was nice to get away from the duties of the crown, and much like her sister, taking up part-time work at Alchemiracles was an idea she greatly enjoyed. Couple that with the fact that it was a beautiful day, and she couldn't have been in a better mood. The sun was shining, a few birds were singing, Arca's shop was on fire…

...wait, what?

"Good morning, Moon-Princ— er, I mean Star Chaser!" Arca trotted up to the disguised princess with a wide grin, towing a suitcase behind him. "I wish I could stay and chat, but I have a train to catch. Gonna go hunt me some potion ingredients."

"Er… Arcane? The shop is on fire."

"I know, I know! I'll deal with it when I get back. See you in a few days!" And with that, Equestria's most eccentric stallion trotted off, waving a hello to a facehoofing Juniper.

Luna sighed. "Thou art as destructive as always, old friend…"

The train jostled to and fro as it rattled down the tracks. For most ponies, this was no issue. But when you are trying to take notes with a quill amidst the winding curves of the railway cutting through the Rainbow Mountain range dividing Equestria from the Crystal Empire, it can be rather difficult.

"So we've worked out this part, I think, but I'm still not sure what this part means." Sunburst gestured at a few of the unknown symbols on the paper between himself and Starlight Glimmer while stroking his beard. "Thankfully, I was allowed to copy the glyphs on the tablet, but they don't match any known language. It took me days, as the tablet was very clearly damaged from a heavy impact. And it had some centuries-old traces of blood on it."

Starlight frowned, scanning over her copy of the paper. Whatever this writing was, it wasn't Equestrian, that was for sure. She had a few ideas on where to start, though. She levitated it back over towards Sunburst. "I think I found where a sentence stops, at least. Here, take this and—"

"AH, thank you! I needed a napkin." Before Starlight could finish her sentence, the orange hoof of Arca swiped the paper from her magic and used it to wipe the ketchup off his chin. He happily crumpled it up and put it in a now-empty container of Prench fries, before sitting down between the two mages. "Lovely day, isn't it?" He turned and looked at Sunburst. "Oh, hi Sunburst! How is Princess K. Dense doing? Did you ever find out what the K is for?"

Sunburst merely clenched his eyes closed, placing a hoof to his forehead to stave off a headache. Starlight, meanwhile, was looking like she was debating whether to lose her shit or ask what the buck was going on. Thankfully, Sunburst spoke first. "...Mr. Catalyst, if you would please stop sitting on the script I'm trying to decipher, that would be fantastic…"

"Oh! Okay. Want some help?"

Arca stood up and hopped to the floor, the impact sending his lab coat into a gentle rustle. He proceeded to pick up an empty inkwell and mix some leftover condiment packets into it, stirring with the bendy straw he pulled out of his drink. Starlight, meanwhile, had had enough of this. "Excuse you! Who even ARE you? And what gives you the right to barge in on our conversation like that?"

Arcane shrugged. "I'm Arca. And I'm Arca."

Starlight started to grind her teeth together.

"Sorry, I didn't realize you two were talking, there was an empty seat between you two. Well, aside from that paper." Starlight was about to issue another retort when Arca continued. "Who left this here, anyway? I only know like… four ponies who can read Infernal."

That line brought both Starlight and Sunburst to a screeching halt, mentally. "Wait, you can read this?!" They both exclaimed together.

"...yeah? Last I checked, though, all the demon ponies are long dead with one exception, and the only other ponies who even know Infernal are Princess-Boss and Moon-Princess-Boss. Er, Celestia and Luna." Finishing that statement as though it was as common knowledge as the color of the sky, the alchemist added a dollop of mustard on top of his miniature mix and continued to stir. Somehow, the goop started to change color and consistency from brown slop to a teal liquid, but nopony noticed aside from Arca.

Sunburst glanced at Starlight, then back at Arca, and at Starlight again before looking back at the ever-eccentric stallion who occasionally showed up in the crystal palace for ingredients. Why the guards just accepted Arca's presence, he had no idea, and he was a little worried to find out. "Can… can you translate it?"

"Sure!" Arca picked up the paper and looked it over, before turning it 180 degrees so he could properly read it. "Ahem… Dear Mr. Evil Buttface Demon Lord Ix. You appear to be the father of my good friend and new apprentice, who has decided to abandon her duties as a succupony to pursue alchemy under my tutelage until, in her own words, 'Realize I've sworn my existence to the wonderful stallion who showed me the power of friendship, so we can be together forever and I can show him how good I can make him feel in the bedroom as his wife.' As an aside, it sounds like whoever that stallion is is a lucky colt. Not sure what a bedroom has to do with anything, though. But I digress. Please stop sending assassins to kill me and/or abduct her, as I have already acquired enough demon horn shavings after Celestia took them aside and talked to them, and I would hate to waste good ingredients. I hope they are enjoying the vacations Celestia sent them on. Who knew that the farm pets run away to when they get too old needed volunteers? I'd send them postcards if I knew the address.

Anyway, if you continue to annoy me, and more importantly, threaten my apprentice who wants you out of her life, I may be forced to come harvest your ingredients.

You do have rare ingredients, right? It's hard to grow Tartarian plants in my garden.

☆Have a splendiferous day!☆
-Arcane Catalyst."

Both ponies sat in stunned silence. Both couldn't believe what they'd heard. The condiment-filled inkwell erupted in a plume of teal smoke, causing them to cough for a few seconds.

"...That or this is a grocery list, but I'm a tad rusty on my dead languages. Maybe ask Celestia to look into it? Or Luna?"

Bing-bong

"Attention, fillies and gentlecolts, this is the conductor speaking. We're arriving at our next stop shortly, so prepare to disembark."

Bing-bong

"OH HEY, THIS IS MY STOP!" Arca quickly grabbed his suitcase and cantered towards one of the train cars that would be letting passengers off. "You two lovebirds enjoy your date!"

Again, Starlight and Sunburst both looked at Arca, stunned. "We aren't dating!" They both shouted.

"Oh. Do you want to, though?" Arca raised an eyebrow.

"YES!" They both yelled back. Then they turned to each other. "Wait, WHAT?"

Arca slipped out of the train car while they had their little revelation.

"Mission accomplished, thanks to my Answer-Arca's-Questions-Truthfully smoke bomb potion. A bit hastily made, but eh, it'll wear off in an hour anyway," he muttered to himself, pulling out a parchment. "...and I thought I wrote that warning letter to Ix on a stone tablet and flung it at his castle at mach 4. Ah well, maybe I'm misremembering." He began writing as the train approached the station.

"Dear Princess... Me Armor Condenser… mission accomplished. Send candy as payment."

Meanwhile, in an undisclosed location that totally wasn't the kitchen of a bakery…

Twitchy ear. Tingly hooves. Sore spot on the left flank. The signs were all there, and there was no denying it if you only knew how to look for them.

Pinkie smiled an impossibly wide grin. Somepony new was visiting Ponyville on the next train, and somepinkie was going to give them a great big welcome.

Author's Note

"Sister, thou said Arcane defeated the demon king singlehoofedly. How did he accomplish it?"
"From what little I understood of his explanation, it was either full-contact frisbee or extreme mail delivery. I'm not even sure I want to know what actually happened."

The chapter with Pinkie Pie in it

Arcane Catalyst trotted off the train with his suitcase in tow. He had a list of things he needed to do in Ponyville, but he didn't have it on him because forgot to write 'bring list' on the to-do list. Not that it mattered, he knew the main two objectives, which were to visit a specific somepony, search the everfree for a specific creature, and gather scales from the hydra in Froggy Bottom Bog, who was due to molt any day now.

Of course, Arca's came to a grinding halt when a pink-on-pink mare zipped in from somewhere, tossed a large cannon down in front of her, and smiled in a way normal anatomy would not permit. "HELLO NEW FRIEND! PREPARE TO BE WELCOMED!"

Arca's eyes bugged out, and he took an instinctual step back. "Wait, Lemon, no! I just-"

Splat!

Arca's line got cut off as he was immediately coated in a mix of cake batter, streamers, glitter, and more. Looking more like a pony-shaped blob of batter, his tongue poked out, and lapped up some of the sweet batter before finishing his line. "...had this lab coat cleaned. Wait a sec… this is CAKE batter! Who are you?"

Arca flash-teleported a few steps forward, leaving behind the remaining batter as it crumpled to the ground in a pile of sugary goop. Before Pinkie could speak up to reply at high-speed, Arcane froze, eyeing her up and down. "I… pardon my asking, but are you by any chance a member of the Pie family?"

Pinkie let out a massive gasp. "Ohmygosh, I am! How did you know? Are you some kind of super mega ultra psychic pony? Did you hear about me? Read the wiki? Ooo, ooo, I know! You're from the fuuuuture!"

Arca hopped backwards, landing in a position similar to a dog getting ready to play with another. He had also gained a big, happy grin, albeit within the realm of physical possibility. "Nope! I'm just me. Arcane Catalyst, pleased to meet you! But you look and sound just like my old apprentice, Lemon Meringue Pie! Except you're pink! You even have a party cannon! What's your name?!"

"I'm Pinkie Pie! And you knew great-great-great grandma Lemon?!"

"Yeah! She followed her heart with a stallion called Sure Prospects to start a rock farm somewhere. But you're related to her? Does that mean you like parties?"

"UH HUH!"

"And baking?"

"YUPPEROONEY!"

"...and potions?"

Pinkie ducked down until she was almost touching snouts with Arcane. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, new friend?"

"Say it on the count of three. One!" "Two!" "Four!" "Seventeen!" "Purple!" "Avocado!" "Sparkles!" "Sprinkles!" "Dunlepalan!" "Frlmnajckra!" "☆♡♤□○♧!"
"THREE!"

The pair stood up on their hind legs, cheering loudly for all to hear.

"POTION CUPCAKES, POTION CUPCAKES, POTION CUPCAKES!"

"To the lab! Er, the kitchen! The Lichen! Ooo, I need to get more lichen for my supply room. LEAD THE WAY, PINKIE!"

Shoom! The pair took off like a shot, leaving behind a pair of smoky outlines where they were moments prior. Pinkie hopped along while Arca galloped at blinding speeds, grabbing materials from market stalls as they zoomed past and throwing them into the emergency mixing bowl pinkie had in her mane.

"Flour!" "Eggs!" "Butter! Heh, butt." "Milk!" "How much sugar?" "How much you got?" "A five pound bag!" "That's all?!" "The spare is my lunch!" "Add both!" "Okie doike loki!" "Now pick a potion!" "Which one's which?" "Not telling, it'll ruin the surprise!" "ADD ALL THREE THEN!" "FANTASTIC IDEA!"

The orange and pink blur blitzed through town, leaving enough of a wind in their wake to knock some ponies over. At last, they reached sugarcube corner, rushing around to the back door leading to the kitchen. Pinkie used the door, zipping up to the oven and shoving the now-mixed cupcake batter into the oven. Arca used the window, leaping over Pinkie and setting the oven to 400. Both immediately sat down and watched the oven like a pair of foals on Hearth's Warming, wagging their tails almost too fast to see.

For all of three seconds.

"Uuuuuuuugh," Arca groaned, flopping backwards. "How much longer? This is BORING."

"I knooooowwwww," Pinkie replied, having curled into a ball on the floor. "But we have to cook it for 40 minutes at 400 degrees or it won't be right!"

Arca looked up for a second, glancing at the oven. "...what about 4 minutes at 4000 degrees? Would that work?"

Pinkie looked up from her backup-backup bag of sugar to offer a reply. "I tried, but the oven doesn't get that hot. And when I asked Twilight she gave this long explanation that made it sound like it would be as bad as mistaking confectioner's sugar for flour!"

Arca smiled, pulling the not-even-warm cupcake mix out of the oven. "Who said anything about the oven getting that hot? I got magic."

Pinkie's eyes sparkled, before narrowing into a look that dared Arcane to defy her. "Ante up."

"How about 1 minute at 16,000 degrees? No, no, HOW ABOUT ONE BUCKING SECOND AT 960 THOUSAND DEGREES?"

"Do it."

Arca levitated the tray out the window. "With pleasure. Princess Celestia taught me this trick. SOLAR NOVA!"

"It's really nice to finally get together with you guys again," Spike remarked. He was getting a little bigger, so he was riding on Big Mac's back as the pair trotted to Sugarcube Corner. As soon as they got snacks for O&O night, they'd head to-

FOOOOOOOOOOOOM

The drake's train of thought was interrupted by a hyper-condensed beam of solar energy impacting the backyard of the bakery like a prominence spell, for exactly one second. He could just make out some voices.

"Did that do it? I think I only managed 480,000 degrees." "No wonder they look half-baked. HIT 'EM AGAIN!"

FOOOOOOOOOOOM

"You missed an O! That was only 11, not 12 O's in that foom!" "Whoops, sorry!"

FOM

"Perfect!"

Spike frowned as Big Mac turned around and started walking the other way. "We're not getting snacks anymore, are we?"

"Eeeeeyup."

Despite the sizzling, charred black spot in the backyard, Arcane levitated back in the cupcakes, which were perfectly cooked in defiance of all logic. "Done! Oh, that was just like old times. I like you, Pinkie! We have to do this again sometime."

"We aren't done yet," Pinkie retorted, grabbing a cupcake and smooshing it against one of Arca's as though toasting with a wine glass. "Cheers!"

"To new friendship!" Arca cheerfully replied as they both tossed their cupcake to the other, chomping them out of the air in one bite.

"So, mister Catalyst, what kinda potions did we add in these?"

"Oh, one of my favorites! Hopefully I get it right this time. We should find out in three, two, one..."

"Come on, Mac. Whatever it was stopped. Look! See? Sugarcube corner is fine. Can we please go get snacks? I don't wanna trust Lyra with it again, she only brings pretzels."

Big Mac reluctantly glanced back at Sugarcube Corner. "Eeeeenope."

"But-"

FLOOF-CRUNCH

...only for the entire bakery to be lifted off its foundation by a cupcake-shaped mass of orange, purple and pink fur just as large as the building itself, which proceeded to unravel to reveal an actual giant cupcake. Of course, Sugarcube corner immediate crashed back down (without any damage, somehow) since a cupcake of any size makes for a poor foundation. Cake and icing splattered everywhere, flooding the immediate area in a sugary mess.

"Was that supposed to happen?" "No, but it was awesome! Let's try again, I got another batch here!"

FOOOOOOOOOOOOM

"...fair enough, I wouldn't wanna go back there either."

Author's Note

I hope this was just as destructive as you all hoped.

Here, have a cupcake.
:pinkiehappy:I insist!

The mane list

The back door of Sugarcube corner swung open weakly, before falling off its hinges with a sad thud. Trotting down the back steps was Arca, being walked out politely by Pinkie.

"That," Arca grinned at his companion, "was some of the most fun I've had in years. You really know how to cut loose and take chances when it comes to recipes!"

Pinkie giggled, pulling her new friend close into a hug. "Aw, that's what I'm best at! Making ponies happy. Like, I can tell you must have used a flight potion to get around, because I can feel wings under your lab coat!"

"...r-right. Flying potion." Arca looked away slightly. He was used to having his wings, but he still disliked them, seeing them more like a deformity than a blessing due to the initial reaction hundreds of years ago. To be fair, after Celestia claimed he had simply made a temporary wing potion, he had quickly invented one to make the story seem real.

Pinkie, meanwhile, felt her new friend's immediate change in attitude, and quickly realized she'd accidentally stepped on an old wound. She hugged him a little closer. "Hey, hey. Wait a second. No, that was definitely not wings. You must just have some books under that coat."

Arca and Pinkie locked eyes for a second. He knew she was lying. And the look on her face told him she knew he knew she was lying. But the fact that Pinkie was willing to accept his lie and not press further made him relax instantly. Maybe Celestia was right, he thought. Ponies are more accepting now, after so long.

"Soooooo," Pinkie booped her snout against Arca's. "What were those potions we added to the cupcakes, anyway?"

"Oh, right! I almost forgot!" The stallion reached into his bag and pulled out a very old-looking journal and began writing in it while speaking. "We mixed in a mane growth potion, an enlarging potion, and a potion of instant cupcake. That's why our manes grew into a two-story tall cupcake shape, which then produced an actual cupcake! Thank you for reminding me. I almost forgot to write it down on my list."

"Your list?"

"Yeah, this book here has all of my 4,576 failed attempts at a working mane growth potion written down. Most are just 'too much' or something similar, but I've had quite a few interesting ones."

"Can you read me some?" Pinkie asked while scooching up next to Arca again. She was overjoyed to see his mood back to normal. "I love stories! But I only have so much free time, so skip to the good ones!"

"Sure!"

-Date unknown. It's been a week since Princess-Boss and Moon-Princess-Boss found the elements of harmony and put the world back to normal. Things are starting to recover. And I finally got my lab unlocked! Who knew those new cannons were so effective at opening doors? Anyway, I've decided to use this to write down any and all failures of Mane Growth potions, so that one day when I do get it right, I can look back and laugh. -Arcane Catalyst, Royal Alchemist.

-Attempt 1: Nothing happened. Whatever this fancy white flower is didn't do anything.
-Attempt 4: Accidentally made my chest fluff grow instead, larger than my own body.
-Attempt 15: Made a single strand of hair on my mane grow as intended. Upping dosage by 60,000 impossible, deemed failure.
-Attempt 16: Made all hairs on my mane grow 1/60,000 of intended length. Deemed failure, see previous reason.
-Attempt 27: Unintentional side effect, gave Celestia, Luna, and myself multicolored, wavy manes and tails. Effect appears permanent for the princesses, likely due to excess magic. Thankfully I'm just a unicorn. (Addendum: Past Me, if only you knew.)
-Attempt 33: Princess-Boss's assistant was not happy when his mustache moved to his neck. His wife, the local clothes maker, made cloth replicas and called them bow ties so he wouldn't stand out.
-Attempt 40: Tripped while out for a walk, spilled potion into a patch of blue flowers in the everfree. Effect unknown, presumed failure.
-Attempt 055: Hair of test subject detached, before transmuting into a… uh… something. A something that wasn't round. But I can't remember anything else. (Addendum: later given to a funny-looking biped named Bright for safekeeping, biped disappeared through a portal. He seemed trustworthy because he was wearing a lab coat.)
-Attempt 69: Effect was, according to the test subject, nice, but not intended effect.
-Attempt 72: Experiment interrupted due to forced evacuation of the castle. Something about eternal night.
-Attempt 73: Mixed juice in a bucket to feel better about myself after losing my lab in the damage. Surprisingly, mixed juice caused my hair to turn into feathers for a few hours. If I call it a mane growth potion, does it automatically fail?
-Attempt 106: Turned hair into flowers, thought I got swamp fever again, required therapy.
-Attempt 125: Celebrated making a philosopher's stone by adding a piece of it (my blood) to the mix. Resulting smoke cloud made all nearby ponies' tails turn into butt afros.
-Attempt 148: Grew hair! On ~~my wings~~ wings of the test subject.
-Attempt 192: No.
-Attempt 193: No but worse.
-Attempt 238: All ponies who drank the sample had their manes detach like wigs. I have a small wig collection now.
-Attempt 253: Mane grew mouths and sang opera badly. Returned to normal after finishing the entirety of La Trotviata.
-Attempt 299: Test subject's mane sprang to life before potion was drunk, grabbed potion, flung it away. Unsure of results.
-Attempt 365: Test subject had hairs in their mane grow, but grow wider. Results similar to dreadlocks.
-Attempt 404:
-Attempt 420: Mare… what if, what if I'm always making the right mane growth potion, but I'm never giving it to the right pony? Making food because I'm oddly hungry.
-Attempt 523: Strands of test subject's mane absorb water like a sponge and grow. Result: clogged every pipe in the castle.
-Attempt 600: Tested on self again, mane turned into a crocheted copy of myself, who I fought for dominance in an epic game of Go Fish. I won.
-Attempt 666: Attempted recipe with new apprentice Razzle, accidentally made her mane a copy of mine instead of her old black-and-red mane. Only notable difference is that hers cannot photosynthesize like I can. (Addendum: she seems ecstatic over it, so… potion successful? It seems permanent too. At least she can style it differently.)
-Attempt 700: Mixed in magic rainbow fluid from recently-founded Rainbow falls. Zebras apparently got offended when turned into rainbow zebras.
-Attempt 777: Mane proceeded to produce coins, firing them at high enough speed to shatter glass. All coins found to be decently-convincing counterfeits.
-Attempt 816: Mixed in some metal just to see what would happen. Accidentally created concept for steel wool.
-Attempt 911: Drank the wrong way, choked, went to Rainbow Falls hospital. Doctor said the xray of my lungs was 'fuzzy'. (Addendum: problem resolved itself when potion wore off. Had hairballs for a few hours though.)
-Attempt 999: Begged to the gods to grant me one right formula. Result: potion worked perfectly on the right side of head, left side unaffected.
-Attempt 3,999: Test subject's mane grew limbs and gave me a sympathy hug.
-Attempt 4,013: Accidentally inspired popular Power Ponies character, Mane-iac
-Attempt 4,577: Mixed with potion of instant cupcake and enlarging potion using the Meringue method, manes produced a giant, delicious cupcake.

Pinkie got up from her position lounging in the grass. "You missed a few thousand. You holding out on me? Or did you run out of funny ideas?"

"No," Arca replied, "...well, yes, I suppose, but that way I can read you more next time. Plus, I've got places to be. I heard there's a really good seamstress in this town, and I wanted to get something special for a few of my friends."

"Aw, that's so sweet! Of course I know where it is. Go look for the building with a carousel design, can't miss it! But now I gotta get back to baking and cleaning up debris. Bye, friend! Stop by anytime you want a snack!"

"Oh, no wonder I couldn't find the ticket booth for that ride! Thanks Pinkie, and see you around!"

Author's Note

"Yeah, I try again at it every 3 months or so."
"Wait, what was that about a biped, Arca?"
"You mean the one with the pretty necklace? I dunno, but he had a list, just like me!"

Fashion-consious Miss Alchemist

The silence in the room was deafening. Of the three ponies in Carousel Boutique, one was stunned silent, one was quietly dreading the moment the silence finally broke, and the third was observing the fiasco with solutions already on her mind.

"Rarity, I am so, so, so, so,"

"Sweetie Belle." Rarity's voice was level, yet carried a mix of disappointment, anger, and disbelief. Of course, nopony would blame her, seeing as her little sister had just spilled a milkshake all over the dress she was in the process of showing to a very, very important client.

Rarity sighed. She'd talk with Sweetie later, right now she had to handle the business side of things. Turning to the third pony in the store, she cleared her throat. "Ahem. Miss Dazzle, I sincerely apologize for my sister's actions. I promise, I can have a new dress ready for you in a few days at most, and I'll happily offer you a discount for your trouble." There was no doubt about it, this was the worst. possible. thing. Razzle Dazzle was notoriously fussy about outfits and many a fashion designer had been dropped by the temperamental starlet in the past. Granted, it was often for 'fashion' designs that looked more like modern art, but few knew that.

Razzle Dazzle, meanwhile, had caught the dress in her magic, and was analyzing the stain with an experienced eye. Milkshakes were usually milk and sugar, and it was pink, which likely meant strawberry flavor. Add in the fact that the admittedly gorgeous dress was 100% star silk, and it was still fresh…

"Lady Rarity, I do not think I will need you to make me another dress." She internally giggled as she watched Rarity visibly sag, and Sweetie Belle cringe in dread. "You won't need to make me another dress, because if you grant me a few minutes in your kitchen, I can fix it."

"Wh-what?! Darling, that's star silk! You of all ponies should know that it's impossible to get stains out of it!"

"Mayhaps for any normal pony," Razzle smirked. "But with all due respect, I am 700 years your senior, and I have been practicing alchemy for well over 600 of that. My skills are second only to the grandmaster alchemist of legend," she felt her heart flutter as her mind drifted to her beloved. "There are very few potions I cannot brew. You there. Sweetie, was it? Why don't you come with me? I'll make you a new milkshake as well."

"R-really?" Sweetie Belle sniffled a little bit, genuinely stunned at the starlet's understanding and kindness.

"Of course! I love foals. One day, when I have one of my own, I plan to set a good example for them. Celestia knows my stallion wouldn't… but that's neither here nor there. Come along."

The pair departed to the back of the store, and before long the sound of running water and clattering pots could be heard as Razzle bent the kitchen to her will. The number of alchemists that could reliably operate without a dedicated lab were few and far between, but Razzle was more than skilled. Not quite a match for Arca, but still leagues above any mortal.

Jingle

"Oooo, a bell!"

Rarity's focus immediately shifted to the stallion who just entered the shop. And she nearly grabbed her fainting couch on the spot, because she had never SEEN a worse looking getup! His mane looked like it hadn't seen a brush in months, and if it wasn't bad enough that he was wearing a lab coat, it was covered in so many faded stains that—

Jingle jingle jingle jingle jingle jingle jingle

"...Erm, excuse me, sir, but could you please stop swinging the door around?"

"Oh, sorry!" Arca stepped into the building fully, smiling warmly at Rarity. "Is this the clothing store?"

Rarity blinked twice. "...Yes, yes it is. Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is—“

"Awesome! I was hoping to get a new fancy coat, since my old one got, uh… exploded."

"You clearly need a new outfit! Darling, that lab coat looks more like a drab coat right now. Give me that, I cannot in good conscience let you walk around in that!"

A quick application of magic and Arca found his lab coat teleported off of him, revealing…

"...Really, darling? Why are you wearing a lab coat under your lab coat?!"

"In case I lose one, duh."

"Well, I cannot take your measurements for an outfit if you are wearing one! And believe me, you look like you need one. Honestly, what would a mare think if she saw you like that?"

Arca pondered for a second. "Hm… she'd probably say, ‘Oh, Arcie I wasn't expecting you here! You look positively dashing!' And then she'd try to kiss me."

Rarity shook her head in disappointment. This colt must be delusional! There was no way that any mare would say that to a stallion in a state like this, it went beyond her comprehension!

"But, I'm getting ahead of things. Here." Arca reached into his pocket and pulled out a scroll emblazoned with the royal seal, offering it to Rarity. Her eyes widened upon seeing the emblem, but she took it in her magic and opened it to read.

Rarity,

I apologize for not approaching you in pony, but I have been busy with helping Twilight with some ambassador paperwork. The pony who probably just tried to enter through your window instead of the door is Arcane Catalyst, a close friend of mine. It is not a state secret, but he is an alicorn, but is horribly nervous about his wings. The poor thing views them as a deformity. I try to find a tailor for him that I trust every time his current one retires, and I can think of no pony better than you for that role. You will of course be compensated accordingly.

P.S. He's about as loony as Pinkie, so be prepared for that.

-Princess Celestia

Rarity read the letter again, feeling sympathy for the pony in front of her.

"Your tail looks like a drill."

Yup, definitely just like Pinkie.

"Well, darling, I would happily help you with some outfits. A friend of the princess is a friend of mine. Would you be so kind as to take off that other coat of yours so I can get some measurements?" Upon seeing Arca hesitate, she added, "We can use my storage room, I promise nopony will see you."

"Th...thank you," Arca replied very quietly. It was always hard to open that secret up, too many bad memories. Thankfully, Celestia always found ponies who didn't mind. He suspected she used bribes.

Rarity paused for a moment. "Actually, darling, you may need to wait a moment. I do have another client in here right now, and if you're nervous, then-"

"Alright, we're done! I promise I will reimburse you for the things we took from your fridge, but thankfully the stain was easy to remove." Razzle strutted out of the kitchen with Sweetie Belle in tow, wearing the dress Rarity had thought ruined. Somehow, the colors seemed even more vibrant, too. "I told you there was no need to- Oh! Arcie, I wasn't expecting you here! You look positively dashing!"

"Oh, hi Razzle! Heh, called it." He smiled at his close friend. "Nice dress!"

Razzle smiled, flicking her tail seductively. "You like?"

"Yeah! And I can tell you made it better than it was, I can just barely smell the scent of potion from it. Good job as usu- HEY!" Arca stepped back, shocked at how quickly Razzle had closed the gap and kissed his cheek. In a flash, she strutted out the door, leaving a bag of bits for the still-stunned Rarity. "Gah, now I gotta brew another potion."

"...for what?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"I think I got a fever. Razzle always makes me feel warm and funny when she does things like that."

Author's Note

"Must be a succupony thing. It's been happening for decades... my heart's beating faster, too."

Since a lot of you ship Arca and Razzle, I'm gonna let you all weigh in on wether you want them together or not at some point. Let me know.

Shockingly delicious

"What do you mean, it's late, AJ?! You know I was looking forward to this!"

Applejack sighed, her ears drooping in sadness from her side of the Apple family apple stall. On the other side of it hovered one of the contenders for most colorful pony, Rainbow Dash, who looked rather confused and disappointed. "Sugarcube, Ah don't know why it is, but it is. The zap apple harvest just didn't come this year. If'n Ah knew why, do ya really think Ah'd be here sellin’ apples instead of fixin' it?"

"I mean, duh! But that still doesn't solve the problem! I was so looking forward to— HEY!" Rainbow let out an almost birdlike squawk in surprise as she felt her lower hoof graze the mane of a pony below her, who had walked right beneath her like she hadn't been there at all! "Watch where you're going, science boy! Ever heard of personal space?"

"No?" replied Arca, sparing a glance at Rainbow. "I thought space was Luna's domain. Or was it just the moon? Eh, whatever." He turned back towards Applejack. "Hello, orange hat-wearing pony! I would like an apple, please."

Applejack raised an eyebrow at the sudden appearance of what she would only describe as a mad scientist. "Do y'all not have any manners, or did ya not realize Ah was in the middle of a conversation?"

"Oh! I, uh, sorry." Arca stepped backwards sheepishly, standing directly under Rainbow Dash again. She didn't look pleased by this, and moved a bit to the right. "I'm really bad at that kinda stuff."

Applejack let out a sigh. She could tell this stallion was telling the truth, but it still rubbed her the wrong way to be interrupted like this. Years of dealing with Pinkie had taught her to just deal with the issue at times like these and move on, though, so she tipped her hat in greeting. "Well, if yer lookin for zap apples, we're out. They just didn't show up this year fer some reason."

Arca tilted his head to the side, perplexed. "Zap apples? You mean the funny-looking rainbow apples, right? Technically they're not apples, they're a distinct breed of fruit called—"

"Zap. Apples." AJ's reply was stern and dared anypony to defy her.

"...R-right, 'zap apples'. Anyway, why don't you just force the growing season?"

A look of pure befuddlement overtook Applejack and Rainbow Dash’s faces. Arca may as well have suggested they try moving the sun without help from Celestia. Rainbow broke the silence first. "Did… did you bonk your head on a door before you came over here? Because that's the craziest thing I've heard all year."

"Of course it sounds crazy!" Arca reached up and yanked Rainbow out of the sky for a hug. She didn't seem to approve. "You have to be crazy to stay sane in this world, and nopony ever made any progress without taking chances! Now come on, both of you!" He let Rainbow go and motioned for them both to follow him towards the orchard. "My intuition is telling me I'm gonna need you both for this. But we'll be snacking on zap apples by sunset!"

"Now hang on just a second there, partner." At Applejack’s words, Arca indeed stopped for a moment, waiting for her to continue. "Even if ya could make the zap apples grow, which Ah'm not sure is even possible, there's no way Ah'm leavin mah stand here. Somepony's gotta sell these apples, and—"

"Well, bust my bumpers! I haven't seen that getup in sixty years! Yer the spittin' image of yer grandpappy in that coat and goggles, Sonny!"

AJ spun around on a dime to face the new voice. "Granny?!"

Arca, meanwhile, actually seemed genuinely surprised. "...Mrs. Smith? Goodness, I didn't expect you to still be around. Then again, I suppose octogenarians are getting more common with modern medicine…"

Rainbow turned towards Granny Smith, who had pushed her walker over to the apple stall. "Granny, you know this stallion?"

"Darn tootin’, Dash! He looks just like this stallion the princess sent ta help us Apples out when we were settling Ponyville! What was his name again… Archibald Cahoosit?"

"Arcane Catalyst, Mrs. Smith. And I'm afraid you are slightly mistaken, that wasn't my grandfather 60 years ago, that was—"

"You watch yer mouth when yer elders are talkin’, Sonny! Didn't yer mother teach you any manners?"

Arca looked away and grumbled to himself quietly. "Not my biological one, at least…"

"Anyway, Applejack. Rainbow! We Apples owe this colt's family a favor for helping settle Ponyville. If he says he can bring out the zap apples, and he's half as good as his grandpappy," Arcane rolled his eyes and let out a sigh as he heard that, not willing to correct Granny Smith again. "...then there's no doubt in my mind he can. I'll mind the stall. Now get going, the lot of you!"

"Alright, Granny, if ya say so…" Applejack still looked uncomfortable, and Rainbow Dash seemed skeptical. However, neither was willing to take a lecture from Granny Smith, so they moved to follow Arca.

"Thank you, Mrs. Smith. If you'd like, maybe later I can brew some memory recovery potions so-"

"Mah memory is fine the way it is! Now GIT!"

"...Yes, Ma'am…"

"I still think this is a waste of time. I could be practicing flying right now."

The afternoon sun shone down on the orchard as AJ, Rainbow, and Arca headed towards the zap apple trees. Having been found in the everfree, the trees were situated fairly close to the edge of the forest so they could grow better.

Arca glanced up at Rainbow. "I never really liked flying, too many angry mobs."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"So… your grandpa was that funny science pony Granny talks about sometimes?" Applejack asked, hoping to fill the sudden awkward silence.

"Eh, it's the easiest way to explain it, so sure, go with that theory. I- er, he left his apprentice in charge of his shop in Rainbow Falls for a year and a half to serve as the town alchemist until most of the place was settled. That was a fun year… and after that, his apprentice took over and he went home!" Arca fondly remembered seeing his old apprentice off with a smile as she became Ponyville's first official alchemist. He'd really only gone there to study the Everfree forest, and had just gotten roped into a few dozen adventures, but it was a great time.

"So ya know what the signs of the zap apple season are, then, right? Because without them, we ain't gettin any zap apples."

"Of course!" Arca smiled and reached into his lab coat as they finally approached the zap apple trees. "The first sign of the harvest is timberwolves howling, and that's an easy one! I left my leash at home, but I think your lasso will do. Can I see it for a second?"

Rainbow cut into the conversation, very clearly done with all the nonsense Arca was seemingly spouting. "What, are you gonna whip the trees into growing? That'd be a trick."

"Nonsense!" Arca replied as he took AJ's lasso in his magic, holding up high. He took a deep breath, and…

"WHO WANTS TO GO FOR WALKIES?!"

Rainbow and AJ had only a half second to jump back as Arca was immediately tackled to the ground by the largest, meanest looking timberwolf they'd ever seen. It let out a bellowing howl as it pinned Arca under its paw, causing the zap apple trees to shudder to life as they entered the next stage of growth. Then, glaring down with menacing eyes and razor-sharp teeth, the timberwolf leaned into Arca's face…

"Oh sweet Celestia!"

"I can't watch!"

...and promptly licked Arca with its leafy tongue before rolling over for bellyrubs, which Arca was more than happy to provide.

"Mister Splinters! I missed youuuu! Who's a good boy? WHOSAGOODBOY? You are! Yes you are!"

"Rrrrwarf!"

Rainbow and Applejack had only one thing to say.

"...What?"

"C'mere, ya big lug." Arca wrapped the lasso around Mister Splinters' neck like a leash, smiling happily. "How's your pack?" Upon seeing the monster's ears droop, he frowned. "...Not around anymore, huh? I guess Tia was wrong about reintegrating you into the wild. I'll just have to take you back home to Rainbow Falls. Would you like that?"

"Rrrrwarf!" Tail wagging, the timberwolf sat down obediently.

"Well, that's step one! You there, blue pegasus. The second growth phase is a strong windstorm. Can you fly fast enough to knock the leaves off these trees?"

Rainbow immediately perked up, taking to the air. "Ha! Are you kidding? Watch this!"

With acceleration that even Arca was impressed by, Rainbow Dash shot straight up in the air and looped backwards. Gaining speed from gravity, she blew past the ponies and timberwolf at high speed while corkscrewing like a drill. Arca and AJ had to hold tight to their lab coat and stetson hat respectively to avoid losing them in the gale. The trees, meanwhile, did not actually lose their leaves; instead, all the leaves turned a dark purple and crackled with sparks.

"Brilliant! Now, we need a flock of crows! Does anypony have a flock of crows?"

Applejack nodded quickly. She couldn't believe it, but this seemed to be working! "Ah don't, but ah know somepony who does! Wait here!"

As Applejack galloped off towards that certain somepony's cottage, Arca pulled out a parchment and began writing. Dear Luna, remember that bet you lost 1,008 years ago? I'm cashing in that favor…

It wasn't long before the loud caws of a flock of crows echoed through the orchard. Approaching as a large mass, the birds quickly dispersed to reveal a yellow pegasus flying in the center of the group.

Fluttershy gingerly touched down while the crows soared up and formed an apple-shaped formation above the zap apple trees, a strange energy causing the trees to grow sparkling blue flowers across their branches.

"Oh!" Fluttershy gasped at the sight of the massive timberwolf. "So that's where you ran off to, Mister Splinters! And Mr. Catalyst, too!"

"Fluttershy! I should have known you'd be around. How are you feeling? Any resurgences of Swamp Fever? Side effects? You seem fine, but I refuse to take chances against that vile sickness."

"Um… I'm fine." Fluttershy trotted over and nuzzled the timberwolf, who happily nuzzled her back.

Rainbow and AJ, who had recovered from their high speed flight and sprint to Fluttershy respectively, both were startled by this new revelation. "You two know each other?"

Arca smiled. "Of course! Us trees have to stick together." Upon receiving questioning looks, he continued. "Swamp Fever survivors," he clarified.

"Ah."

"Mage Meadowbrook introduced me to Mr. Arca a while ago since we both had Swamp Fever, but we knew each other for a while. He asked me to try and help his timberwolf reintegrate into the wild when Celestia introduced us at Cadence's wedding."

"Oh yeah, that was the best wedding ever! Do you know how rare it is to be allowed to deliberately cause explosions and not get yelled at afterwards? Celestia even bought me victory ice cream!"

Arca's remark was mostly ignored as everypony's attention was more focused on the scroll that appeared in midair. We still think thou were counting cards that match. -Luna

The ponies felt the sudden urge to look up, and bore witness to the first meteor shower happening in the daytime. The flowers on the zap apple trees bore fruit, gray apples awaiting the final step.

"Perfect. Now, the hard part. The rainbow aurora storm only happens once a year, so we need another source of rainbow energy. I use the rainbow liquid at Rainbow Falls for the tree in my secret garden, but without that the only thing I can think of is a sonic rainboom…"

"Did you say you need a sonic rainboom?!"

"Yeah." Arca pulled out a potion and held it out to Rainbow. "If you wanna try, this should enhance your speed so you can—"

"I don't need that! Watch and learn, Science Boy!"

"To a good harvest!"

"And how!"

Glasses of cider clinked together as Arca, Rainbow, AJ and Fluttershy celebrated a successful zap apple harvest in the Apple Family kitchen.

"Gotta admit, Miss Dash, I'm impressed you can pull off a sonic rainboom. But, we got the zap apples, so that's what counts!" Arca held up one of the rainbow-colored fruits, examining it. "Looks just like they used to. Bottoms up!" He tossed the zap apple in the air, and chomped it in one bite.

Applejack tried to intervene. "Wait, don't-"

Arca was immediately hit with a magical lightning strike, as without proper preparation, zap apples carried quite the electrical charge.

Even Rainbow Dash was concerned. "Dude, are you alright?!"

"WOW! Just as much of a kick to them as they used to have!"

Author's Note

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that even if something seems genuinely impossible, with the help of the right ponies you can do anything.

That being said, I also learned that maybe Pinkie isn't the craziest pony I know anymore.

-Applejack

Dear Applejack,

I assume you've met Arca. If you have, please send me a bill with any damages. Yes, I know there will be some.

-Her Royal Highness, Celestia

Q

"...Which leads into a contradiction with Starswirl's Fifth Theorem on Thaumaturgical Leylines. Since the maximum mana threshold can only be so high at a given time, the astrological event could potentially undermine—"

Across the room from Twilight, a mismatched pile of various creature parts groaned. "Twilight, as happy as I am to spend time with you normally, you've bored me to pieces here. You could not be less interesting to listen to if you tried."

Twilight let out a sigh, moving away from her chalkboard and over to her friend. "Look, I'm sorry, but you're the only one who was around the last time this happened, Discord. I just want to make sure that we don't need to take precautions."

"But it's so dull. Honestly, Sprinkles, I would rather be doing anything else right now."

The conversation between the two was suddenly interrupted by a knock on the door of the classroom they were in. Twilight found it odd, not many ponies were around the School of Friendship on the weekends, so it was probably somepony looking for her.

"Aha!" Discord's various parts sprung into the air and reassembled themselves on the draconequus. "Finally, something more interesting! I'll get it," he practically sang as he spiraled through the air to the door.

"Discord! Don't scare whoever's at the door, please!"

"Nonsense! I won't scare them! Much." With a grin, he flung the door open confidently. "Bon… jour. Oh no."

Arca looked up at Discord. Discord looked back down at Arca. A big grin manifested on Arca's face as he gasped.

"FUNNY-COLORED NOODLE DRAGON!"

Arca raised his hooves in greeting only to have the door unceremoniously slammed in his face. Of course, that did very little, as his head and hooves connecting with the door left a massive hole in it. "I missed you!"

"NOPE!" Discord immediately plucked his antler off like a lego piece, tossing it through the hole and down the hall. It proceeded to grow tiny legs and scamper off.

Arca didn't hesitate even for a second. "RARE INGREDIENT!" Within moments the stallion was out of sight, galloping after the prize. Discord snapped his talons, immediately replacing the broken door with a giant container of mayonaise wedged firmly in the wall.

"Miss Sparkle, I apologize." He quickly sat back down, at full attention. "I suddenly have a pressing interest in being in this room for the next several hours. Perhaps you'd like to give a lecture on the complete history of Chess? Or list every possible hand in a game of Poker in alphabetical order?"

Twilight tilted her head to the side. "Discord… do… do you know Arcane?"

Discord let out a groan. "Urgh, yes. What in the world is he even doing here? One moment." With a single swift movement, he pulled a book out of thin air. The title read The Potion Shop, by an AshenBrightfur. His eyes scanned the cover, after that, he turned it around and looked over the back of the book, then threw it out the window, where it promptly turned into a flock of origami cranes and flew away. "There, read it cover to cover. So the mad lad actually got wings, hm? Great, more ways to make my life difficult. Still, the author should have handled Emerald Essence's final appearance better."

"Emerald who?" Asked Arca.

Discord's eyes bulged cartoonishly out of their sockets, both opening like mouths and screaming in surprise for a half second. "How did you get in?"

Arca shrugged. "Well, I chased your antler into the kitchen, but it locked itself in the freezer. And I was all like, 'I'm upset that it's frozen in there and I'm out here. And that it's an ingredient, and that I'm frozen out here, and that I'm in there,' and then I remembered I wasn't in there, but I still couldn't find the antler, so I got upset. And then I saw a talking wolf. So I fired at him. And I missed. And the wolf said it was a funny reference, and gave me a popsicle, and then I passed out and dreamed that I was firing at something, and I missed. And then I woke up outside this room and realized that you made the door a jar, and if the door is ajar that means I can open it, so I walked in."

Discord facepalmed. "Did you really just accidentally make two references that don't even exist in this reality… urgh. This is why I don't like hanging out with you. I worked hard on keeping you out and your nonsense logic got you back in!"

Arca shrugged. "I am led to believe the proper response the foals are saying these days is, 'Git gud'."

"Get out."

"I can't, there's a jar of mayonnaise blocking the door."

"OUT!" Discord angrily snapped his talons, and a painting of Rainbow Falls appeared before he shoved Arca into it. Twilight swore she could hear a musical jingle and a distant 'Let's-a-go' from somewhere, but before she could ask what was going on a timberwolf jumped through the window and into the painting after its owner just before the painting vanished.

Twilight was already drinking the headache prevention potion that Celestia had recommended she always have spares of. "So. You know Arca."

"Are you going to keep asking until I tell you?"

"Yes."

Discord let out a sigh. "Then, in the interest of reading fan theories about how we met, I'll see you next chapter."

"What chapter?"

"I wasn't talking to you, Twilight."

Author's Note

I'm howling at the moon. And it's summer, so I'll take a nap this afternoon.

"Please stop, Ash. It's bad enough you made a cameo in your own story during this chapter, I don't need you meme-ing it up in the author's notes."

Oh come on, Doscord. Your chapters are the only time I can crack the 4th wall!

Queue

An unknown amount of time ago…

Cotton candy clouds poured chocolate rain down onto the checkerboard fields below. Paper cranes flew past while facing the wrong way, while carrying smaller construction cranes, which were lowering their hooks to grab at nothing. Waterfalls of pink lemonade flowed upwards into the sky, and a unicorn was happily kayaking across it in a boat made of 5 wooden planks arranged in a u shape on a table. Everything was perfectly chaotic, not a single thing in place, and-

-wait, what was that part about a unicorn having fun?

Discord looked down from his throne with an eyebrow raised. Sure enough, there was a pony who not only seemed to be completely unfazed by all the chaos around him, but looked like he was enjoying himself! This would not do. Snaking through the air, Discord dove into the the cascade of sugar water before emerging from the water to a dramatic kazoo solo.

Arcane Catalyst was having a very interesting dream. He had woken up to find everything wrong. His lab equipment had grown cartoonish legs and walked out the door in a conga line, and his breakfast of blueberry waffles had turned into chocolate chip pancakes. Oh, and gravity seemed to be taking a sick day. Clearly this was a prank from Moon-Princess-Boss Luna. And now that he'd settled in, he was face-to-face with… uh… hm. Maybe it would know?

"Hello! Are you a mammal or a reptile?"

Discord frowned. "Really. That's your question?"

Arca tilted his head to the side, and then gasped, having remembered his manners. "Oh, sorry. I'm Arca, Princess-boss Celestia's Royal Alchemist! What's your name?"

Discord slapped a claw to his face in frustration. "I go through all this trouble to plunge the world into chaos, and you don't even know who I am? Who do you think I am?"

Arca shrugged and cast his fishing line out again. "Okay, you took too long to answer, I'm bored. Your name is Funny-Colored Noodle Dragon."

"WHAT?!" Just as Discord was about to fire a retort at this arrogant equine in front of him, the fishing line hooked his horn. Immediately, he was yanked unceremoniously back under the surface of the lemonade waterfall, dragged underneath the boat, and pulled up to face Arca once more.

"Oooo, I caught a big one! Hello again Mister Noodle Dragon. Are you enjoying the crazy day today? All the rules are so different today!"

Discord, of course, was quickly getting fed up with this. Seriously, he checked the fed-up-ometer and it was at seventeen! That's six more than eleven! His face contorted into a snarl. This… this pony should not be acting so nonchalant around all this chaos! It was wrong! It was against everything he expected! It…

…it was chaotic.

Discord blinked. He popped his eyeballs out of his face and wiped them like a pair of glasses before putting them back in. There was no way a pony could handle even a fraction of his chaos, but here was one doing just that. So he did the only illogical thing a spirit of chaos would do in this situation. With a wily grin, he reached forward and pressed a talon to Arca's forehead, channeling his magic into the stallion to flip his personality on its head. Then he floated backwards, and waited.

Arca sat there in his little boat, mouth open as his eyes tried to look up at the point he'd been poked. The color started to drain from his head, creeping its way across his mane and down to his muzzle, the same expression still on his face. Finally, Discord had the stunned reaction he was looking for-

"ACHOO!"

And then Arca sneezed. And then all the drained color shot out of his mouth in that sneeze in the form of a grey cloud. Which hit Discord square in the face.

And then physics kicked back in.

It was a few minutes later that Discord woke up. Suddenly being subject to the laws of physics after eons of ignoring them had left him with a nasty headache due to the distance he'd fallen. It had only been a brief moment, but that orange stallion had somehow managed to 'discord' the draconequus himself! Everything was still colored wrong, but Discord scrambled to his feet to face the pony, who he was now actually worried about for the first time in who knows how long.

"Oh hey noodle dragon!" Arca simply waved from the side of the pink lemonade puddle he was drinking out of with a silly straw. "Glad to see you were awake. Sorry, it's allergy season I guess. Want some lemonade? I'm full." Arca then proceeded to eat the straw because it was made of pasta. Discord just stared. "Also, have you seen any rare potion ingredients lying around? My boss will be mad if I lost them again. Actually, can I have one of your horns? I bet that'd be a rare ingredient."

Discord let out a sigh, stroking his goatee. A force this unpredictable would either be a thorn in his side or a great boon, or both. Thankfully, throwing caution to the wind was practically a requirement of being a chaos spirit. "I'll tell you what, small pony. I'm rather fond of my horn… so how about instead, I teach you about a special ingredient only I know about?"

Arca's face lit up like a hearth's warming tree.

By this point, Discord and Twilight had moved to the garden outside her castle while the draconequus had told his tale, simply due to the fact that it was a nice day. The two were now sitting at a picnic table. "So, what did you teach Arcane, then?"

Discord chuckled at the question. "Well, my dear Snarkle, it turned out the colt had a bit of chaos magic in him even without my influence, so I took him under my wing for a bit. I actually taught him how to use nothing as an ingredient in his concoctions. It was a test to see just how chaotic he was, and do you know what he discovered? Do you? Arcane figured out how to make the actual concept of nothing into an ingredient that can substitute for any one thing. I don't even get exactly how he does it, which makes me both proud AND jealous of him. By the time Sunshine and Moon Moon sealed me away in stone, they had to deal with their number one cause of explosions having much more at his disposal and happy to… ugh, help. Of course, chaos magic is not exactly meant for ponies, so he wasn't exactly stable. Or sane."

"Well." Twilight let out a sigh. "That certainly explains a lot. But, wait. If he can use 'nothing' as an ingredient substitute, AND he can use the philosopher's stone as an ingredient substitute… wouldn't that mean he could create basic, two-ingredient potions from just water? And- if he had a laboratory, which he does, then-"

"And now you see why there isn't a single being short of Faust herself who could outbrew him. Loathe as I am to admit it, he is the best at alchemy. Of course, he could never hold a candle to me in terms of causing chao-"

And then a ferris wheel rotating at high speeds materialized out of thin air, rolling directly over the chaos spirit and coming to a shaky stop shortly after, a little ways away from the two. Twilight was, miraculously, unharmed. Irritated, Discord sprung back up like an accordion in an old cartoon. A little note fluttered down in the air next to him.

Wherever this ends up, I set it to warp to 'somewhere funny'! Please write to Arcane Catalyst at Rainbow Falls to tell me how an out of control ferris wheel is funny.
-Arca

Discord growled. "I am going to-"

He never got to finish his sentence, because the ferris wheel proceeded to topple over and land on top of him, narrowly missing Twilight a second time.

Author's Note

Almost a year later and we're back for more! I got no excuses. Well I do, but jumping between jobs is not exactly an excuse.

Also I got a puppy. Say hello to Tonka!

A wheely fun ride

Being a princess was, more often than not, a fantastic thing. Celestia and Luna both very much enjoyed their jobs, as stressful as they could be at times, and the love and respect their subjects showed them was worth more than they could articulate. That being said, the job was not without its downsides. Politics, the occasional villain trying to take control, and the nobility being stuck up twits were trudged through with varying degrees of irritation.

That being said, there are some things even a princess knows are bad, BAD ideas. One such thing being assuming that just because the rule isn't officially written down, everypony will follow it.

And so Celestia and Luna found themselves with their current issue, because nopony in their right mind would ever build something jutting out from the side of a cliff in Rainbow Falls, no matter how securely it was anchored. Right?

Wrong.

And so the celestial sisters found themselves slowly walking towards the opening ceremony of The Color Wheel, a new tourist attraction in Rainbow Falls. A beautiful (and from the admission price, expensive) ferris wheel firmly anchored to the side of one of the town's cliffs, offering stunning views of the valley below and the mountains above. Had they the knowledge of it, they likely would have remarked that it looked similar to the London Eye.

"I'll make excuses to keep you out of the Grand Galloping Gala for the next ten years if you go," Celestia whispered at a volume only Luna could hear.

"We will double thy cake stash."

"Tempting. How about I handle ALL the tax paperwork this year? All of it."

"Sister, we are not getting on that thing if we can help it. This is Arcane we are talking about, anything built over the cliff edge may as well be made of tissue paper."

"We'll figure it out. Smile, the crowd is watching!"

Celestia and Luna both kept up their princessly smiles and gait as they approached. Centuries of practice meant that even though they were practically sweating bullets, to the onlookers they were calm and even pleased to be here.

"Well, brother, I can't think of a better way to start up our latest business venture than with TWO of the princesses coming to our grand opening!" One of the two stallions clearly in charge stepped forward to greet Celestia and Luna, offering a bow. "Pleasure to meet you, your majesties. I'm Flim and that dapper fellow over there is my brother Flam." Flim took Celestia's hoof and gave it a friendly yet quick shake as he continued to prattle on. "Our Las Pegasus resort has graciously decided to sponsor building this glorious attraction for this town. I mean, just look at how excited everypony is to see The Color Wheel in action, boosting tourism and providing a spectacular view!"

Flam smiled and gestured to the crowd of ponies standing behind some hastily set up rope barriers. Most of them were eating popcorn and had various conversations going, and even bets in the back rows. They were all wearing helmets, though, but Flam wasn't sure why.

"And we'd like to offer the two of you the first ride, free of charge!" Flim had offered it to mayor Silver, but had gotten several excuses. But the princesses were a step up!

"Both… both of us?" Luna asked worriedly.

"Of course!"

"Oh. We… thank thee, sir Flim. Art thou sure? Perhaps our sister would prefer to go fir-"

"If I'm going, you're going, Luna. Come along."

And so, the two princesses got into the carriage of the ferris wheel and it began its slow ascent. Thankfully, aside from a few reporter pegasi, they were free to talk in private.

"He's out of town, he's out of town, he's out of town…" Luna kept repeating it to herself, a soothing mantra. As they continued to climb, they could see all of the town- including Alchemiracles, which was still on fire. Arca had been clear about that, he had been growing plants native to the dragonlands.

"Luna, you say that as though that's ever stopped him from causing a fiasco. Worst case scenario, we teleport out of the carriage and fly to safety. I'll admit I'm nervous, but it should be fine."

"Fair point, sister, fair point. After all, what's the worst that could possibly happen?"

"Don't say that or-"

At this point, the carriage the alicorns were in had reached the top of the wheel. It stopped for a minute so the passengers could admire the view… at least, that would have been the intent. Instead, Celestia and Luna heard a portal opening and looked up just in time for Arca to fall into the carriage, shattering the glass with the impact as he landed between them.

"Owwww… my left nostril hurts."

"Hello Arca. Back from your trip?"

Arca glanced up to look Celestia in the the eye. "Oh, yeah! And I brought back-"

"BARK BARK I AM MISTER SPLINTERS"

A second impact rattled the cabin as Mister Splinters, Arca's pet timberwolf, landed on top of them, and then proceeded to jump off and down the support beams to reach solid ground. Of course, timberwolves are rather heavy, so with each jump the ferris wheel tilted more and more to one side, until it dipped under one of the rainbow waterfalls.

Mister Splinters, meanwhile, had landed safely and all but pounced on Razzle Dazzle, looking for petting and attention. "WAG WAG WAG I AM MISTER SPLINTERS." Razzle sighed and started giving the magical construct a belly rub.

Back up in the cabin, the sudden deluge of rainbow liquid was keeping its occupants from casting a spell to escape. It was also causing the ferris wheel to turn faster and faster, like a giant water wheel going full speed. There'd be a few moments of momentum before they all got soaked again, and again, and Celestia thought she saw Flim and Flam running away as the crowd watched the inevitable spectacle they'd turned up for.

And then Arca got his senses back enough to cast a spell.

Of course, Arca being Arca, he had simply teleported the entire ferris wheel away to 'somewhere it'd be funny', and all of a sudden the trio found themselves in empty air with a lot of momentum behind them.

Celestia and Luna, being larger and heavier than Arca, landed face-first in a stack of hay bales, their flanks sticking out helplessly as the press took photos. Celestia buried her head in her hooves in embarrassment, knowing this would be front-page news everywhere but Rainbow Falls, but Luna was cursing and struggling to get free, which only served to cause her flanks to shake in a way that would DEFINITELY be front-page in some magazines.

Arca, being roughly the size of an average pony, however, was flung over the hay bales, slammed into the fountain in town square only to skip off the water like a stone, and crashed through the window of his favorite pizza shop, miraculously landing in his regular seat at his usual table. He looked over at chef Crispy Crust and opened his mouth to speak, but Crispy cut him off.

"Yes, I know. I'll get you some garlic bread and start on your usual."

Arca glanced back at the pile of hay bales, still shaking violently from a very angry moon horse.

"Uh… can I get that to go?"

Author's Note

I tried to fit in one last Q/Queue/Cue gag in the title, but I couldn't.

Oh well. At least Mister Splinters has joined the cast as a new way for Arca to cause mayhem.

He thinks he's a lap dog.

A storm worth remembering

If there was one thing in Rainbow Falls that could be counted on, it was that no matter what disasters happened, Alchemiracles would stubbornly be open. When Nightmare Moon had returned and threatened to plunge the world into eternal night, the shop was open with a deal on night vision potions. When Discord had infected reality with his chaos, the shop was still open. In fact, Discord never touched the town, since Arca causes enough chaos there already. When Cozy Glow drained all the magic from the world, the shop was still open. Also Arca literally didn't notice anything since he has so much magic.

Rain or shine, hot or cold, it didn't matter. Open hours were open hours, and somepony was at the counter during those hours. The only exception were emergency schedule changes like being called to Canterlot on short notice.

Of course, just because the shop is open during a torrential downpour, doesn't mean any customers will show up.

Juniper poked her head out the front door of the building, looking at the dejected science pony laying on the porch. To make matters worse, Arca had chosen to mope with his head and front hooves dangling over the edge of the porch, meaning his mane was soaked to the bone, as were the collar and sleeves of his lab coat. Honestly, it was almost pathetic.

"Boss?" Juniper tested for a reaction. "Boss, are you okay? I know we haven't had a customer in five hours, but it's a dreary day. At least come inside and stay dry instead of waiting for clients?" She paused. Juniper stepped outside completely, draping a wing over Arcane in a gesture of comfort. "...boss?"

"...ZZZZZZZZ…"

Oh.

Juniper let out an exasperated sigh. This wasn't the first time she'd caught Arca passed out after an all-nighter, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. There was practically a list of places Arca wasn't allowed to sleep at this point. However, the wing across his back roused the alchemist, slowly blinking his eyes before proceeding to shake off like a dog.

"Gah! How long was I out? Did I miss a customer? Oh hi, Juniper. Why are you on the porch? I thought you were on register duty."

"No customers in the shop."

"Oh." That got his ears to flop down again, and he laid back down, thankfully fully under the overhang, and stared out into the rain. With nothing better to do, Juniper joined him.

"Hey, Boss?" Juniper hesitated, but the glance from Arca spurred her on. "...what's it like? Being ageless."

Arca stared back out into the rain for a minute before giving his answer. It was simple, yet raised more questions than answers. "Excruciatingly painful. But it's the best pain, because it's worth it." Another pause. It was rare to see him like this, all the crazy and hyperactivity melted away to reveal the seldom-seen wise pony who'd been alive for over a thousand years. Arca didn't move this time, continuing to stare into the rain. Staring at something unknowable.

"You know, I've had this exact conversation with every single one of my apprentices at some point. I remember each and every one of them, Juniper. For Celestia's sake, the Berry family has been like, a fifth of them, at least. And do you know how it always ends? Every single time, without fail, I have to sit and watch as they get lowered into a grave. Friends, apprentices, rivals, it never changes. And the pony I see in the mirror hasn't changed a bit in all that time.

"There are nine immortals out there, Juniper. Nine. Nine out of who knows how many millions of ponies there have been between Celestia and Luna's ascension and today. It's great for waiting things out. You remember that annoying pony who git all mad at me at last year's trade exchange?"

Juniper nodded. "You mean Emerald? Yeah, she's still in jail."

"Who?"

"I know who you are talking about, boss."

"Okay!" Arca nodded before continuing. "Anyway, even if that pony hadn't gotten in trouble, and was actively trying to kill me, all I'd have to do is run. In the end, I would still be here, and they wouldn't. But that same fact also means that every time I look at you, Juniper, I have to accept the fact that one day I'll be attending your funeral. And there's nothing I can do about it. And it hurts." A single tear rolled down the stallion's cheek.

Juniper said nothing. Arca smiled warmly as he kept talking. "But I do what I can. Make the most of the time I have with those I know. It makes moments like this special. I've got all the time in the world, so instead of worrying about every wasted second, I'm instead grateful for the moments others give up to be with me." Slowly, Arca got to his hooves, stretching. "...but we aren't getting anything done having a tender moment in the rain. Why don't we continue this discussion in the lab, while we cook something up? Whatever you want… just something worth remembering."

"...why don't we go flying?"

"Come again?"

Juniper spread her wings, hovering slightly off the porch. "You may be self-conscious about it, Boss, but the whole town knows you have wings, and we are totally cool with it. So come on! Let's go practice, Luna's been saying you should try flying more anyway."

"But it's a thunderstorm out there."

"So?" She hovered in close, almost touching her muzzle to Arca's. "You said it yourself: nothing out there in that storm can kill you, and I'm gonna die one day anyway. So why not live a little? If all you remember is spending time in the lab, then what makes today more memorable than any other?"

Arcane Catalyst stared up at the cloudy sky for a few moments. He was thinking… thinking in a different way. It was really rare that his worldview got challenged like that, but when opportunity knocks, you answer. "...you know what, Juniper?"

Two orange wings extended from hidden flaps in Arca's lab coat. "You're right. Let's go make today worth living for."

And so, two ponies jumped off the porch and took off into the downpour.

Author's Note

"So, anything you two have to say for yourselves?"

Razzle Dazzle was busy brewing a dose of Grand Panacea in the lab, given that the usual potioneer was currently out of commission. Across from her, Arca laid on the floor, half paralyzed and still twitching from an unlucky run-in with a lightning bolt, his mane somehow made even more frazzled from the encounter. Juniper, who was set to drink the brew when it was done, was shivering with her hooves in a tub of warm water, having caught something in the cold rain. Both looked at each other, nodded resolutely, and responded simultaneously.

"Worth it."

Memo to the bank

Today was a very important day for Dreamy Sparks and her stallion Air Flare. The unicorn and pegasus couple had just saved up enough money to move out of Flare's family's house, and they had long dreamed of saving up enough bits to move to the picturesque town of Rainbow Falls. After all, the town was gorgeous, the locals seemed friendly, and they were surprised to learn that the houses were cheaper than expected, especially closer to the market.

And so, the pair found themselves in the Rainbow Falls branch of the Crown Royal bank, discussing ownership of what seemed like the perfect house. Bottom Dollar sat across from them, looking over the paperwork with a slightly concerned face. "Are you certain about the location, you two? Properties closer to the Arca limit tend to have a bit more collateral-"

"Collateral?" Dreamy Sparks asked. "I thought Flare's parents agreed to be guarantors on the payments, do we really need collateral?"

Dollar sighed, adjusting his tie. "You two must be from out of town. I don't mean collateral as in something we take if you can't pay your debts, I mean…" he looked off out the floor-to-ceiling window and his eyes went wide. "Collateral damage. DUCK AND COVER, EVERYPONY!"

Dollar dove under his desk with a speed that his middle-aged body should not have been able to manage, and it was at that moment that Dreamy Sparks and Air Flare heard a commotion approaching. They looked up the street, and were met with the most terrifying thing they'd ever seen.

For starters, the first thing they saw was that a timberwolf was charging down the street, straight for the bank. That much alone would have been cause for alarm, but the timberwolf had a long chain attached to its neck. And that chain was pulling something.

Juniper was clinging to the outside front wall of Alchemiracles like her life depended on it. Mainly because her boss's pet houseplant was towing the entire front wall of the building behind it. She had been just about to walk in and start her shift when Mister Splinters had jumped through the window, his chain leash having snagged on Arca's cauldron, which had gotten wedged in the window. With Arca and Princess Luna stuck inside it, having had no time to dodge the sudden projectile pot. This of course tore the whole front of the building's first floor off, as Mister Splinters was rather strong.

"BOSS! DO SOMETHING!"

"I WILL AS SOON AS LUNA MOVES HER RUMP OUT OF MY FACE SO I CAN AIM!"

"ART THOU CALLING US FAT-FLANKED?!"

"SQUIRREL. SQUIRREL. SQUIRREL. I AM MISTER SPLINTERS."

Thankfully, just before the third building-building collision this year, the squirrel Mister Splinters was chasing took a sharp left. The timberwolf dashed after its prey, and that sudden shift in force was enough to dislodge the cauldron from the window. Unfortunately, it caused the cauldron, with Arca and Luna still in it, to go flying into the side of the bank like a wrecking ball. Juniper, meanwhile, shakily stepped off the front porch moments before it collapsed into a pile of debris and sadness with the 'sorry, we are closed' sign drifting down on top of it.

Arca woke up to the sound of alarm klaxons and red lights flashing, most likely due to the fact that he and Luna had just smashed into the vault and were currently half-buried in a pile of bits. "Ugh, wha happened… oh! Wow! Look at all the bits! And flashing lights and sounds! Moon-princess-boss, wake up! I think we hit a jackpot! We must be in Las Pegasus!"

Arca suddenly found a sheet of paper skewered on his horn by none other than the bank manager, Blank Check. "No, but you are in trouble. Help me patch this hole, then you need to reread…

THE LIST OF THINGS ARCA MAY NOT DO AT THE BANK

-Arca is, ironically enough, permitted to access the vault of bits with manager approval.. This is due to the fact that there are less bits in the vault than Arca's net worth, so as long as he makes a note on how much he took, it is technically his money.
-Arca must be accompanied by at least two staff members lest he tries melting all the bits into raw gold again.
-If Arca is in the building, guarding the free candy stash is considered a higher priority than guarding the vault.
-The ATM machine is not a slot machine.
-Nor does it mint bits on the spot.
-There is no cheat code for the ATM.
-And even if there was, Arca has enough 'cheat codes' in his life already.
-Never, under any circumstances whatsoever, is Arca to be given a loan for anything ever.
-Ever.
-Not even if Celestia herself approves.
-'Collateral' does not mean 'Collateral Damage'.
-There are laser sensors, but they are invisible to the naked eye. This is not a spy movie. Arca is discouraged from using any and all acrobatic maneuvers to reach his safe deposit box.
-Arca is discouraged from brewing a potion that allows him to see the lasers, as that may lead to other ponies using it.
-Bring your laser to work day is officially cancelled forever.
-All employees are required to carry a collectible coin at all times. If Arca must be distracted, throw it.
-The above rule is rescinded as Arca began causing problems on purpose.
-Safe deposit boxes are not for depositing safes in.
-Arca may not place any of the following in his safe deposit box: Potions, Potion ingredients (perishable), entire safes, th scond vowl of th alphabt, ANY letter of the alphabet, the last bag of cheesy chips, leftovers, Celestia's regalia, explosives, and a fully functional 1:50 scale model of Alchemiracles, now with potion brewing action.
-We do not have dubloons. You are not a pirate, Arca. No matter how many eyepatches you wear.
-Arca is forbidden from purchasing Arca insurance due to conflict of interest.
-Arca is not allowed to set up an observation room in the vault to try and watch his money multiply as it gathers interest, it doesn't work that way.
-Nor does interest mean a fascination with something.
-After the 'Big Suck' incident, the vacuum tubes used to send things around the bank have been replaced with pneumatics.
-After the 'Big Blow' incident, all things are to be delivered by hoof.
-Not allowed to take bets on whether a loan will be approved.
-Arca is to be reminded that his pin number does not mean he needs to actually bring sewing pins to the bank.
-Just because Arca is nobility, and technically Lord/owner of the entire Chroma Mountain Range, does not mean he has 'dibs' on any foreclosures.
-Loans and I.O.U.s are not the same thing. Arca is allowed neither regardless.
-When Arca barges in once a year panicking about forgetting to do his taxes, please remind him that Celestia's accountants have been filing it for him for the past 600 years.
-When Arca returns in a fresh panic roughly ten minutes later, remind him that as the crown-appointed royal alchemist, his business is tax exempt.
-If Arca continues to panic, distract him with candy and call for a supervisor.
-There is no 'money pit' in the back, and if there was, Arca would not be allowed to swim in it.
-'Bank-mandated repossession' does not mean 'getting possessed a second time', and we do not need an exorcism potion.
-And for everypony's sake, never try to explain the concept of compound interest to Arca. Once was enough.

Author's Note

"Oof, we really broke the bank on that one, didn't we, Luna?"

"Arcane, hast thou considered an invisible fence for thone pet timberwolf?"

"Yeah, but then the townsfolk said I needed to be kept contained too. Not sure why."

Tight squeeze

"I say, princess, thank you for assisting me in this long journey. These old bones aren't as spry as they used to be."

"Oh, it's no problem at all! Talking to you is always a delight, and hearing your theories helps my own research. Hopefully once we get to the tree, it won't be as muddy."

Twilight and Starswirl the Bearded trudged along the muddy wooden boardwalk through Hayseed Swamp on their way to visit Mage Meadowbrook. For Twilight, it was a chance to connect with her longtime idol and learn some history. For Starswirl, it was an opportunity to reconnect with an old friend and potentially exchange notes on the modern world.

The door to Mage Meadowbrook's Potion Emporium opened with a simple push, it was open hours after all. The setup was fairly compact, with Meadowbrook's cauldron on a raised platform behind the main area where potions were laid out. She was in the middle of brewing something right now, actually, stirring the mixture as it bubbled away. It took her a moment to notice the new arrivals.

"Oh? Oh! Hello dears, I wasn't expecting you two today! Come in, come in. Make yourselves at home." Meadowbrook gestured for the pair to come up to her little area. "Don't mind me, I'll be done with this in a minute or two."

Twilight simply teleported up, while Starswirl took the short trot across the floor and up the three steps leading to the sectioned-off area. "I'm glad to see that being shuffled forward in time hasn't affected your craft, Meadow," he remarked as he drew close. He gazed into the cauldron full of the teal-colored brew, careful not to dip his beard into it. "Might I ask what you're making?"

Meadowbrook smiled fondly. "Would you believe that this is one of Arca's recipes, Starswirl?"

Starswirl's eyes went wide. "Ah, that colt? I… I honestly miss him. You would have liked him, Twilight."

"That's debatable," Twilight deadpanned.

"He was Meadow's adopted son. He used to call me 'The guy with the jingle bell hat!' Shame, I never got to say goodbye. I remember," he continued as he walked over to one of the walls lined with cabinets, "when he was little, he used to hide in this cabinet here and take naps when he thought nopony was looking." Starswirl opened the cabinet, a nostalgic smile on his face, but was still looking away from the wall. Then an orange hoof emerged from the cabinet and bapped one of the bells on his hat.

Jingle-jingle

"Heh. Jingle hat."

"WH-WH-WHAAAT?!" Starswirl leaped back with a speed that his age shouldn't be able to manage. "N-no, that's impossible!"

Arca shrugged to the best of his ability. He was wedged in the cabinet, barely able to move. "Yeah, I gotta agree, Swirly. Cabinets shrinking like this shouldn't be possible. And despite what mom says, I didn't get bigger. The cabinet got smaller." There was an awkward pause as everypony processed his words. "...anyway I'm stuck."

Twilight, unamused, was already regretting not bringing her anti-headache potion. Arca, as Celestia had warned her, had a proclivity to simply show up at the most unpredictable moments. "Of course you are."

Starswirl looked frantically between Meadowbrook and Twilight. They were both exhibiting signs that they had experience with Arca, which implied… oh sweet Celestia above. "How are you still alive, Arca?"

"Death is for nerds." A pause. "At least, that's what I think the foals are saying these days."

"You know what? I'll just ask Celestia."

"Probably a good idea, she knows a lotta stuff. Hey mom, how's that potion coming along?"

Meadowbrook let out a sigh. "Just finished, sweetie. Here." She filled a ladle with the mixture, before bringing it over and holding to Arca's lips. "Never thought I'd have to take instructions from somepony stuck in a cabinet, but you certainly fit the bill, Arcane."

Arca swallowed the potion, waited a moment, and then coiled up tighter than he was already. It was more than enough to slide out of the cupboard, and he let out a sigh of relief. "Aaaah. Thank goodness. You really need to get that cabinet looked at, mom, it's definitely shrunk since the last time I was in there."

"That was when you were fifteen, Arca."

"Exactly! Who knows how small it'll be in another millenium?!"

Meadowbrook sighed, shaking her head with a chuckle. Not letting good potion go to waste, she began filling some spare bottles with the rest of the potion. Surprisingly, she handed three to Arca. "Now, normally I wouldn't charge family, but I need a favor, Arcane."

"Anything, mom! Just ask."

"Give those to your friend Razzle and tell her she has my blessing."

Arca tilted his head to one side, his ears flopping slightly. "...why would Razzle need my hyper-flexibility potion? She's not stuck anywhere, and she's not a contortionist."

"Just tell her she has my blessing, Arca!"

Author's Note

"Oh, hi Arcie! What are these potions for?"

"Mom told me to give them to you.
She also says gaseundheit."

"What?"

"She told me to say bless you."

Lost in The Duckwork

Paperwork.

It was, is, and always will be the bane of any bureaucrat's existence, clogging the proverbial pipes until form after form is signed in triplicate and shuffled off to the right parties. Then they would sign it, it would come back, and the whole process would start over.

Mayor Silver Scroll was currently suffering through yet another form in his office in city hall. This one was about regulations for nighttime fliers and the differences in precautions the town would need to take compared to other towns, given the softly glowing rainbow liquid making it easy to see at night.

Thump. Thump. Ka-thump.

There was also a rather irritating noise coming from the ventilation system. He'd asked the maintenance ponies to look into it two hours ago, and unfortunately he couldn't just shut it off since it was summer. Grumbling, Silver got out of his chair and trotted over to the vent closest to his desk, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he would be able to see the problem. And much to his surprise (and horror), he could.

"Quack," said The Duck, before waddling off down a duct.

"I HEARD THAT!" ThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpTHUMP!

Arca poked his head out of the other vent in the office, not even noticing that he had probably damaged the wall as well as the vent was torn from its screws by his emergence. "Silver! Where is he?"

Silver pressed the intercom button to reach his secretary. "Tight Schedule, could you do me a favor and cancel my Three o' Clock? Possibly the 3:30 as well."

A female voice crackled back through the magic-powered speaker. "How did he get in this time? I thought I locked all the windows."

"The Duck is in the vents."

"I'm taking my break, then. Outside."

Silver grumbled again. "Lucky mare… hello, Arca. If I might be so bold, how in the name of all that is holy did you get in the ventilation system?!"

"Oh. Well, I was on my way to Laffy Taffy's joke shop to deliver a special order. The new manager thought one of my products would sell great there and offered me a cut of the profits. So I'm on my way over when I see The Duck outside city hall, so I tackled it, and it was in front of an intake vent so we both fell in, and now I'm looking for it. Because I know the layout of the building but I think The Duck is lost somewhere near the mare's restrooms on the first floor. But I can't go over there because I'm not a mare and Celestia won't let me use poison joke to bypass that. Anyway, have you seen The Duck?"

Silver, acting like a regular politician for once, lied through his teeth. "No, Arca. In fact, I think I saw it flying off a few minutes ago. Why don't you-" he was about to suggest 'get the floof out', but suddenly a muffled quack emerged from somewhere under the floor. Arca's eyes lit uo. "AHA! Now I just need to check the building schematics and I need to go… this way!" Without more than a moment's glance at some blueprints, Arca pulled his head back into the ventilation system and caused a ruckus as he clambered through the ductwork.

"Quack."

"There you are. Silver, help me out! I bet we can flush him out if you do something!"

"You know what, Arca? That's a great idea." Silver walked over to the thermostat and, despite the summer temperatures, switched off the air conditioning and cranked the heat to max. "That ought to flush out any annoyances from the ductwork."

"Uh, Silver? What did you do? It's getting hot in here…"

Silver walked back over to the vent that sounded like it was closest to Arca. "Just teleport out then. I'm sure your feathered friend will waddle his way out eventually."

"I can't leave without my product for the joke shop! I left it in the central circulation unit to fit through the vents better!"

"Just make another!"

"It's not that! Do you know what happens when you heat a potion in a spray can?! It explodes! And that means that-"

FOOF

Arca didn't get to finish as every vent in the room spewed out a plume of pinkish smoke. There was no time to run as all of city hall was engulfed in the plume. Silver was coughing and waving his hoof to try and clear the air, and finally realized what was wrong. "Oh, floof."

"Well, that takes care of that issue, at least." Arca warped into the office in front of Silver, his mane and tail wrapped into a tight, ropelike thread and coiled like a pair of springs extending from his head and rump. Arca was currently using the 'spring' on his rear end to bounce idly. "I'll get The Duck later. I gotta go make another spray can for the joke shop to try selling! Bye Silver!" With a stronger bounce, Arca sprung backwards, landed on the spring attached to his head, and used the momentum to bounce directly out the window. Of course, despite the window being opened, Arca sailed through the upper half of the window, shattering both panes of glass at once as he went bouncing down the street in the direction of his shop.

"Sir?" Tight schedule's voice came through the window from her vantage point outside. "Orders?"

Silver poked his head out the window. His mane had contorted into what looked like a set of helicopter blades jutting out of his head, and his tail had frayed to look like a bunny tail. As he yelled, his copter-mane spun comically. "Get to Laffy Taffy's Joke Emporium and tell them to cancel their order from Arca! And hurry!"

Tight Schedule didn't bother responding as she took off in a gallop towards the market. Meanwhile, ponies were exiting city hall. Silver saw a janitor who looked like a mop was growing out of his head, an intern who had his mane and tail mimicking his moves but three seconds behind like some sort of lagging system, and quite a few ponies who should have full manes, but were bald. They all looked irritated, many were chuckling at Silver's unlucky manestyle.

Silver rolled his eyes. "All in favor of going to the salt bar for the mane potion discount?"

The vote was unanimous.

Author's Note

To the owner and proprietor of Laffy Taffy's Joke Emporium,

You know what you did. The bill is attatched.

-Mayor Silver Scroll

Girl talk

Juniper Berry woke up, the rays of the morning sun streaming into her apartment. The weather schedule said today was going to be clear, she knew that already. So, she trotted to her door, grabbed the morning paper, and ate her breakfast. The most important part of the paper was the small blurb on the back side of the front page: it had a forecast. Not a weather forecast, mind you, nopony would need one with how adept the pegasi are at weather control. No, this was the Arca forecast. A nice little percentage based on how long ago the last fiasco was. Whether said fiasco would be minor, like a potion malfunction, or major, like The Duck, was anypony's guess. Juniper just hoped today wasn't the day every few months when the highest level of disaster struck: Arca saying he was bored.

Thankfully, as she walked into Alchemiracles, nothing was amiss. Razzle Dazzle was working the register, casually chatting with a customer who happened to be a fan of her modeling. Most folk still couldn't wrap their heads around the idea that an ageless, independently wealthy supermodel any company would beg for had willingly tightened her client list just to work at a potion shop.

Juniper waited for the customer to leave, satisfied with whatever they had acquired, before striking up a conversation. "Where's Arca?"

"Good morning to you too, Juniper. He's in his lab, brewing some potions to restock the shelves. Which thankfully means a low chance of explosions."

"Thank Celestia for that."

Luna, in her illusory disguise as the pegasus Star Chaser, glanced over from where she was sitting by the window, reading an alchemy textbook. "We shall be sure to pass thy gratitude along to sister, although we believe she had no hoof in this." She paused for a moment, casting her gaze over Razzle. "By the way, Razzle. Where did thine horn go?" It was a valid question, really. Ever since Razzle's true identity as the last succupony had been revealed, she had been unashamed to walk out in public with her batlike wings and two demonic horns on her head, which she had previously kept meticulously hidden under her mane for decades. But before the reveal, she had been a unicorn.

"Oh, that?" She giggled. "Very convincing fake horn. I can hide my wings just fine, but I've been wearing a fake horn for way too long. I figure, with the news out and you and your sister having made a statement that I'm trustworthy, why bother wearing it?"

"A valid point."

Juniper chimed in as well. "By the way, any luck on getting Arca to consider a relationship with you? I'm getting tired of Meadowbrook asking me if you two are planning grandfoals for her every time she visits."

That earned a groan from the supermodel. "Nope. I thought he'd finally fallen for me last week when he asked me for a date, but he meant the fruit. I'm still playing the long game, though. He's thick."

"You mean dense?"

"Maybe."

"Good morning, Juniper, Razzle, and Moon-Princess-Boss! How are you all doing today?" The door to the lab clicked open, and Arca finally emerged, wearing a beekeeper outfit. With his lab coat draped over the top of it, of course.

"Speaking of my sweet Arcie-warkie… good morning! We were just having some mare talk while business was slow." Razzle paused, then added, "...What's the outfit for this time?"

"Flash bees! Their honey is pretty useful in healing potions so I wanted to try raising some in the mountains. Got an apiary set up and everything. It's really hard to focus on potions with this beekeeper outfit on, though. Because of the bees."

Juniper tilted her head to one side, confused. "Uh, boss, if the beehive is in one of your gardens up the mountain, why are you wearing a beekeeping outfit in the lab?"

"To keep the bees."

"...boss. Are… are you keeping the bees IN the outfit?"

"They're really itchy. Makes it hard to focus. I had to make a batch of ironskin potions first so they'd stop stinging me! But I've brewed up batches of all the potions we needed to restock, all 25 of them! I'm just finishing up the last batch now, then I'll take the bees home. Jazz music seems to keep them calm."

"Boss, the idea of a beekeeping suit is to keep the bees OUT of the suit so they don't sting you."

Arca blinked a few times. A stray bee crawled across his snout. "OOOOOOHHHHHHH. I wondered why I needed this when they don't bother anyone wearing a traditional healer's mask like mom's. That makes so much more sense!" There was a flash of light from Arca's horn, and he teleported a few feet forward, leaving an Arca-shaped swarm of flash bees buzzing around in the open. "Can you girls keep an eye on them while I finish the last potion? Thanks."

Arca calmly walked back into his lab, humming to himself. He wondered why his employees were suddenly screaming, but chalked it up to mares being mares.

Meanwhile, Juniper and Razzle were both hiding under an impromptu shield bubble cast by Luna. "We think this may be a violation of some kind of safety law," Luna remarked. It was a miracle they hadn't gotten stung. "Shall we continue this discussion anywhere else?" She questioned as she summoned another shield to capture the remaining bees.

Juniper smiled. "I got a better idea." With a mischievous glint in her eye, she took the bubble full of bees and opened the lab door. "Boss! We're taking our lunch break, can you watch the bees?" She tossed them in, and locked the door just as the shield bubble burst. "We're taking the rest of the day off, you two. Shall we hit the spa?"

"JUNIPER, HELP! THERE'S A SWARM OF BEES IN THE LAB AND NONE OF THEM ARE WEARING LAB COATS OR GOGGLES AND I DON'T HAVE ANY IN THEIR SIZE!"

The mares decided to go have a spa day.

Author's Note

A bit of worldbuilding/filler today. It's rare, but Arca can be inconvenienced from time to time.

Bees? -Cards against equinity

Daring Do and the Stockroom of Doom

The door to alchemiracles jingled as it opened, letting the latest customer in. Ponies bustled to and fro in the shop, looking over potions and the descriptions and prices attached to each. The pony trotted directly to the counter, where Arcane was working. "Oh, hello! Can I help you?"

"Actually, I'm doing some research into a rare item rumored to be nearby. Have you ever heard of the Stone of Telecama?"

Arca squinted at the new arrival. His mind sifted through memories of ponies he knew until he realized that this pony was one of the few to be in the news enough for him to recognize without needing to sell something. Which was exceedingly strange, that definitely meant the pony was using a stage name, since he could remember those easily. "Oh. I know you. And I know what to do. Come, follow me." He gestured towards the door at the back, labelled 'Stockroom'. There was an employees only sign on it, and a note taped to it that read 'Enter at your own bucking risk- Juniper'.

A.K. Yearling, known to a few as Daring Do herself, followed Arca down the steps into the stockroom. She was used to this kind of thing, shady deals in back rooms for the information she needed in order to get the artifact. "This way. And uh, watch out. It's a bit messy down here, but I swear I know where everything is!"

Yearling let out a gasp of shock. The room was large, massive even, like an underground warehouse. Piled high were stacks of books and papers,scattered haphazardly amidst curios and trinkets. If she had to describe it, Yearling would say it looked like the Library of Alexandria, if some nitwit had knocked all the shelves over. Before she could say anything, though, Arca started climbing up one of the book piles. "Come on, we need to go this way."

"And… where are you taking me?"

"To the treasure, of course!"

Yearling rolled her eyes. There was no way it was ever this easy. Still, best to trust this pony for now, she thought. Any information tended to be better than none. As she clambered to the top, still wearing her civilian disguise, she considered removing it, since the strange alchemist said he knew who she was. Arca was already preparing a lasso made of a vine. "Okay, I made us a rope! Now, this will let us get across the gap to the next pile of stuff the alchemy guild keeps sending me to read and I'll read later maybe." With a grin, Arca lassoed one of the magic crystals acting as a light on the ceiling, pulled it tight, and proceeded to swing across. "Da da da daaaaaaa, da da da. Da da da DAAAAA-"

Singing a triumphant tune to himself, Arca made it about halfway before the crystal came loose, sending the alchemist barreling directly into the pile of papers. Which promptly went flying everywhere, creating a blizzard of paperwork that made it hard to see.

"Somehow I don't think that was your plan," Yearling remarked as she hopped down the pile to join Arca on the ground. "Now, are you going to tell me what we're looking for here?"

Arca didn't respond, ducking low under a half-collapsed shelf. Yearling grumbled and followed suit, only for her eyes to widen in surprise as Arca stepped on a tripwire and darts shot out of a hidden slot, pelting his left flank in likely poison-tipped darts. "Oh my gosh, are you okay? Hold still, I can-"

"Ouchie. Forgot I had those installed. Why did I ever think investing in those crossbow traps was a good idea?" Grumbling, he pulled all seven darts out of his hindquarters with his magic, sending them via teleport to the nearest sharps bin. Shaking his body like a dog shaking off from the rain, Arca regained his composure. "My bad, sorry! Here we are."

Yearling looked around. Aside from the booby trap, this place was just a cluttered and disorganized stockroom. "And we're here because…?" She trailed off, hoping against hope that Arca would explain. The only thing of note was a six foot tall novelty potion bottle resting precariously atop the pile of books they had stopped in front of.

Arca abruptly stuck his hoof into the pile, shifting it around for a moment before pulling out a pristine first edition print of Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone. "You're A.K. Yearling, right? Right? Can you autograph my book, please?"

Yearling let her mouth hang open. She was utterly flabbergasted at the fact that this pony had dragged her down here for an autograph. Damn fans, she thought, ready to put on her 'happy author face', sign the book and leave before Ahuizotl found clues as to the whereabouts of the Stone of Telecama. She inhaled to begin her response, but a sudden rumble shook the nearby area.

Arca glanced down at the book. "...oh, right. I forgot that was load-bearing. How are your sprinting skills, Miss Yearling?"

That was all the warning Yearling got before the pile of books shifted, dislodging the giant potion bottle as it rolled toward her like a boulder. Yearling immediately turned and sprinted away towards the steps leading back upstairs, jumping over toppled bookshelves and old lab equipment as the bottle rolled after her.

"Huh. You'd think that she'd try running to the side a bit. Why do ponies always run in a straight line away from the big dangerous thing coming after them?" He shrugged, watching Yearling narrowly make it up the steps as the bottle crashed into the wall moments later. "Great. Now that's blocking the exit. I guess I'll ask Juniper to help me with that… but then she'll try to… ugh, reorganize the place. I know exactly where everything is, it's not my fault it 'looks like a tornado came through here'!"

Yearling, meanwhile, made it up the steps and slammed the door shut behind her, heaving as she tried to catch her breath. "I just… wanted… the Stone… of Telecama…"

"Oh, that old thing?" Arca asked, flashing in beside her in a teleport. "Aisle three, top shelf, right next to the anti-slip potions. You can't miss it."

Yearling felt the last nerve in her psyche unwind, then snap. "Are you TRYING to be funny? There's no way an ancient magical artifact like that would be right… there." She had stormed over to aisle three as her rant revved up, and sure enough, there it was: The Stone of Telecama. A glittering orange gemstone said to grant entry to the ancient Maresopotamian vault of treasures. She was awestruck… and then she saw the price tag.

"Six bits?! Are you serious?"

Arca shrugged. "Okay, okay, fine. You drive a hard bargain. Four."

"That- that's not what I meant by-"

"Also, can I have that autograph now?"

Author's Note

"Arcane, I just got a report from an... adventurous frind of mine. Might I ask why you were selling the last known key to the vault of treasures in your store?"

"I already looted the place of anything important. Sorry, Princess-Boss."

"From what I understand, all the gold was still accounted for."

"I said I took the IMPORTANT stuff. There were these funny mushrooms growing in the corner that had fascinating alchemical properties when mixed with various rragents. It should only take a few hours to explain them all. First, I tried mixing them with spiral moss, and-"

Business Lunch

"So, what's the plan?"

"I checked with this place. The owner of that potion shop stops by here every Thursday for the flower salad special." Secret Formula and Safe Operation had resumed their activities trying to get Arca to spill his knowledge. It had taken quite a bit of time to dodge some investigators that had been after the pair's scam, but they had finally given them the slip and realized that claiming Celestia herself ordered the collection of potion recipes was probably not the best idea.

The Royal Alchemy Guild, on the other hoof, was a finely-tuned bureaucratic nightmare. It was foal's play to aquire membership, and there were so many rules that any meddling would be easy to hide or play off as a mistake. Seriously, why did one organization need so many rules? "So," Safe continued, detailing the plan. "We meet him and offer to pay for his dinner. We explain we're from the Alchemy Guild, and we're working on a project to compile every potion recipe the guild has for one grand compendium. And then, when he gives us his recipes, we sell them and all the others we've gathered at our emporiums across Equestria for cheap, making us the number one potion sellers in the country!"

"And when nopony else is in business, we can mark up prices to whatever we want, because there's no other option," Secret finished. "Smart. Oh, there he is!"

Arcane Catalyst was having a great day! For starters, Juniper had gotten a new mixing rod, so he had spent some time with her working on reviewing some advanced formulas together. And then he got to take Mister Splinters to the dog park! It was empty for some reason. The shop had sold quite a bit of generic, prescription, and even recreational potions today, so he'd be up late making more if Razzle didn't offer to help, but that was fine. Plus, it was Thursday! And that meant flower salad. Specifically, a mix of daisies, tulips and daffodils.

"Hello, Arca," the waitress pony at the door of the Riverside Diner smiled, greeting the stallion happily. He seemed a bit distracted at the moment to respond, his full attention having been caught by an errant butterfly flitting past. "When you're done admiring nature, table for one like always?"

"Actually, miss, it's a table for three today." Secret Formula and Safe Operation stepped forward, one on each side of Arca, who simply stared at both in confusion.

"It is?" He asked. Secret thought he felt Arca's gaze sizing him up, trying to find some sort of reason to tell them off before they could explain themselves. "...huh. Well, I forget appointments all the time. Just last month I forgot to wake up and didn't remember until I was eating lunch! Table for three, then. Me and… who are you two again?"

"Safe Operation and Secret Formula."

"Me and my friends Base Camp and Top Cake!"

And so, the waitress led Arca and the two scheming ponies over to Arca's usual table: a nice booth with a brilliant view of the rainbow river nearby… and, by absolute coincidence and totally not on purpose, the only booth with two fire extinguishers in arm's reach.

"Working for the alchemy guild, huh. Usually the guild sends a letter about this kinda stuff, when they send a representative to visit." Arca munched on another forkful of salad, their meals having arrived while Secret and Safe had explained their 'assignment' to collect the formulas of the world's best for the guild. "Knowing my luck, the letter either got lost, or is stuck in my P.O. box. And I'm not allowed to open my P.O. box without supervision."

"Wait," Secret interrupted. "You're not?"

"Not since I forgot which box was mine and proceeded to open all of them with a paperclip." He shrugged. "Regardless, I'd be happy to give you a copy of my recipes! At least, the ones I'm legally allowed to hand out." Arca didn't see it, but Secret and Safe's eyes lit up with glee at hearing there were ones Arcane wasn't allowed to give out, but had in his possession.

"Ones you aren't allowed to hand out?" Safe asked. "Why not?"

"Well," Arca began, putting a hoof to his chin. "Some of them are really dangerous. Like, explode-if-you-mess-up dangerous. And others, others are too powerful. I have this one recipe for a strength enhancer that only works on dragons, because other creatures just tear all their muscles from the boost. And I certainly can't just go giving out instructions on turning lead into-"

"Quack." It was at that moment that The Duck floated down the river, quacking happily as it swam. Onlookers gave it a wide berth, but still tossed it some bread. Arca glared.

"I really wish I wasn't in the middle of a meeting right now. I really, REALLY wish I wasn't in a meeting right now. Otherwise I'd take that bird and-"

"Ahem." Secret Formula cut off Arca, trying to get him back on track. He saw the opportunity: end the meeting on one condition. "Well, this meeting can be over as soon as you hand over a copy of the recipes you can legally give us." He'd go after the restricted stuff at a later date, play the long game. He was good at it.

"For realsies?! Okay, here you go! I've got a bird to catch!" Arca magiced up a piece of paper and passed it to the ponies across the table. They tooke it greedily, eyes scanning over it, hoping it held a formula they hadn't already found-

"Uhm… this is a recipe for chamomile tea."

"Yeah, that's the only formula I'm allowed to give out. Try it, it's delicious have fun okay bye!" Without another word, Arca pulled a flask of green liquid out of his coat, chugged it, and zipped out the door at lightning fast, potion-enhanced speed. The diner now had one less door to worry about as well, as Arca had ripped it off its hinges and was using it as a raft to paddle after The Duck down the river.

"That… definitely could have gone better," Secret remarked to his companion.

"Actually, I think it went well, for us at least," the waitress said, cutting into the conversation and passing them the bill for the food. And door. "Usually we have to mail Arca the bill, and that would mean putting it in his P.O. box. And we all know how risky that is."

Author's Note

The number of recipes Arca is allowed to freely hand out is, by order of Princess Celestia over 800 years ago, heavily restricted and must be approved by the Day Court in writing.

Except his tea, because Arca makes good tea.

Bound by the Heart

There are a lot of things that can go wrong when you are hiking. Sometimes, you might fall and break a bone. Other times, you might get lost for hours and struggle to find your way back safely.

"Oooo, this rock looks like a rock!"

Or, if you were Razzle Dazzle, your hiking partner would get distracted by every single thing that looks remotely interesting, despite the fact that you looked like you just trotted off the catwalk at a big-name fashion show.

Still, Razzle was nothing if not patient. She bent down to sniff at a few flowers nearby, trying to detect if they would be of any use for potions, while Arca meandered from one side of the trail to the other. "Arcie, dear, haven't you been on this trail a thousand times before? I would think by now you would have run out of things to be intrigued by."

"Of course not!" Arca turned around, smiling. "It's the new little things that make it different every time. And even if it was the exact same, that in and of itself would be a fascinating phenomenon. Plus, you're with me." That last line made Razzle's heart do a backflip. "You may flirt a lot, but you are a great friend, and endlessly fascinating. Plus, you are pretty much the only being in existence who can keep pace with me when it comes to alchemy. Hey, why is your face red?"

"You are such a dolt sometimes, sweetie."

"That's… not an answer, but you seem fine, so…"

"I'm fine."

"Okay! Well, here we are. The perfect picnic spot!" Arca flashed his horn and summoned a picnic blanket and basket full of food, setting it next to a gorgeous overhang overlooking the town. The two sat down and picked up sandwiches in their magic. Well, Razzle grabbed a sandwich, Arca ate the ingredients individually.

Silence persisted for a few minutes as they ate. Arca was the first to speak. "So, Mom has been writing to me again."

"Pestering you about finding a mare?"

"Yup. It's a shame, really."

Razzle let out an exasperated sigh. "A shame, that you don't just date me."

"That's the shame. You fit the bill for her perfectly."

Her ears perked up, snapping to full attention.

"You're smart, you're always around, you're pretty. And you're not gonna die on me. I would date you if I could. But I gotta keep pushing you away because I don't wanna lose my soul. Stupid demon pony heritage."

"Wait, THAT'S why you've been turning me down for the last six centuries?!"

"Yuh."

"YOU DOLT!" Razzle's wings flared out, a hint of fire in her eyes. "Do you not remember our mutual binding contract?! I literally can't take your soul, because I'm bound to you to stay immortal! It's the closest thing my kind has to marriage!"

Arca tilted his head to one side. "Really? Celestia read the contract for me, said it was in my favor, and told me I could sign it."

"You never read the contract."

"Legal stuff makes me sleepy."

"You actual dolt."

Arca shrugged. "Not like 600 years is much to us in the long run. Alright," Arca continued, standing up and staring at Razzle intently. "Jezebel, Daughter of Ix. Do you swear on your true name that you have no ability to take the soul of the pony known as Arcane Catalyst?"

Razzle didn't flinch. "That is correct. I swear."

"...huh. You know, I shoulda used your true name to do that decades ago to get princess CandyDance off my back. Alright, you can be my marefriend. So, now what happ-MPH?!"

Arca didn't have time to react as Razzle dashed forward and pressed her lips to his, covering the passionate kiss with a wing despite nopony being around to see it. It looked like something out of a romantic movie. She held the kiss for several seconds, thankful to finally feel what she'd dreamed of for half a millenium.

"Whoa." Arca was still held in her grasp, eyes staring into each other as they processed the moment. "I've been missing THAT!? Is that some kinda succupony trick? Mom's kisses never feel like that." He paused, then lowered his volume. "Could… could you do that again?"

"No tricks, Arca. It just means you like me. And yes, I'll happily do that again." Razzle closed her eyes, puckered her lips, and leaned in slowly once more. She was happier than she'd ever been, to finally see her affections returned after so long-

"Quack."

"YOU!"

And suddenly, Razzle was tossed in the air as the object of her affection became a furry missile rocketing off into the underbrush after his foe. "ThatwasgreatRazgottagobye!"

Razzle picked herself up, dusted herself off, rolled her eyes and trotted after Arca, following the trail of destruction he'd torn in the foliage. Sparing a glance back at the setting sun, she silently hoped she'd get to do more than that soon. But she would be patient. After all…

She had all the time in the world.

Author's Note

I'll be honest, I'm scared about this one. Like, legit scared. I've wanted this to happen for a while, but I have NO idea how you readers are going to react.

Let me know if this was a bad idea. I'll figure something out if it is.

Love Languages

"Princess-boss! Princess-boss!" The door to Alchemiracles swung open as Arca dashed in like a dog with the zoomies. "I just discovered something amaaaazing! Look!"

Princess Celestia Solaire, goddess of the sun and ruler of Equestria, had about two seconds to react as Arca lunged over, grabbed her disguised form, and pulled her into a passionate kiss, dipping her backwards like a romantic movie. That lasted all of three seconds before she was suddenly let go, landing on the wood floor with a hard THUD. "Huh. Weird… that didn't give me butterflies in my stomach this time. Must be a succupony thing. Boy am I lucky!" Humming to himself, he left the completely confused Celestia on the floor as he trotted back into the lab, likely to work on an order that had been cooking for the past few hours.

Then the door jingled, and Razzle walked in, practically glowing with pride and happiness. She glanced over at the disguised princess. "Sunny, it finally happened! Arca kissed me~" She swooned, teetering back and forth with practiced drama. "And now I'm his marefriend!"

Sunny let out an annoyed groan, slowly twisting her body into a position where she was at least laying on her stomach. "That would explain a lot. Maybe tell him that tackling ponies to make out with them is a no-no?"

Razzle squinted her eyes shut, a hint of frustration tracing its way along her face. "I… will do that. And I presume that's why you're on the floor?" She rolled her eyes as Sunny got to her hooves, nodding. "I'll talk to him about it. Do me a favor and don't smooch my prince of potions, though."

Sunny nodded resolutely. "I think the only pony you need to worry about stealing kisses from Arca is Meadowbrook, Razzle. And those aren't romantic, just familial."

"Good. ARCA! GET YOUR sexy FLANK OUT HERE!"

"Yes, Razzle?" The stallion poked his head out the lab door, not coming out further. "Whayever it is you need, make it quick. The polyglot potion for the Prench ambassador's family is in a critical step and I need to make sure to turn off the heat no more than twenty seconds after it turns red! They need it to speak Equish while they stay here without needing a translator, and they are paying me a lot of bits for this!"

"Fine, fine. I'll make this as fast as possible. New rule: Romantic kisses are for members of your herd only. That means me."

"...did I do something wrong?" Arca cocked his head to the side, his unkempt mane shifting as he did so. "Or is this a relationship thing?"

"Both."

"Okay, explain it later. I have to get back to work."

"Boss?" Juniper stepped out of the lab and into view, along with Starry Sky, the disguised princess Luna. "What do we do if the potion turns blue instead of red?"

"Oh, that's easy!" Arca smiled cheerfully. "In that case, we duck and cover, because something would be wrong and the potion's getting unstable. But there's no way it would turn blue! Unless Starry made a mistake prepping the ingredients this morning and added babblegrass instead of babelgrass. They look really similar." Not sparing another second, he trotted back into the lab, alone, leaving Juniper and Starry in the store proper to talk with Sunny and Razzle.

"And look, it's not even blue! I'd call this more of a navy, perhaps even an indig-"

FOOM

A silence hung in the air for a good ten seconds before the lab door opened again. Arca's entire face and barrel were covered in blue soot, and his mane was shot backwards in a spiky pattern that made him look like a comet streaking through the atmosphere. Not bothering to wipe or open his eyes, he addressed the room. "Tu avais raison, Juniper. La potion était bleue. Ne vous inquiétez pas, je vais nettoyer."

"Uh… no comprendo, señor boss?"

Arca slipped back into the lab.

"Wrong language," Starry whispered at Juniper. "We doubt he notices, though. He was too busy being sacre'd by the blue."

"So, now that that's out of the way… tell us EVERYTHING, Razzle," Sunny remarked, sitting at full attention. "Or should I call you the future Mrs. Catalyst? By the way, I want grandfoals within the next three centuries, if possible."

Juniper looked like she was both mortified and relieved at the same time. Starry, on the other hoof, was ecstatic. "Ha ha! We win our wager, Sister! Our selected date of thine union t'was closest to the true day! That means we get to officiate the wedding, once it occurs!"

NOW Juniper looked mortified.

"Okay, so we were going for that picnic, and…"

Author's Note

I'm blue, da bo dee da bo di

Ceci n'est pas une duck

The sky was a perfect, clear blue as a small crowd gathered at the edge of the market district, near one of the public parks. The celebration had just ended, and ponies were talking amongst themselves at the latest addition to the scenery. It was a large statue, beautifully carved marble. It depicted a pony with no discerning features reaching for a bird perched atop a pedestal, just out of reach. The bird had a gem in its mouth, and was clearly indifferent to the pony below's plight.

"I must say, that piece is… oddly fitting for this town," Silver Scroll commented to the artist as he showed him around the nearby area. "The only way it could have been more relatable is if you made the bird a duck instead of a crow."

Gian Clawrenzo clicked his beak in annoyance. His posh Prench accent gave the griffon just the right tone of disgust as he replied. "I, personally, think that sounds utterly ridiculous. What kind of pony in his right mind would chase a duck? Clearly you have no artistic vision anyway. It is meant to symbolize the need to let things go, to accept that which we cannot change and leave for better days. The pony is meant to be pleading the crow for its necklace back, so that the… pony… can…" the sculptor stopped dead in his tacks, as did Silver. The few bodyguards Gian had brought also looked on in disbelief. "Are… are you actually trying to insult me? It's working."

Much to the group's surprise, the middle of the road with the statue and park on one side, and the residential area on the other, had recieved a new addition. Specifically, a large red 'X' painted on the ground, a pile of seeds and corn atop that, and a hastily scribbled sign reading 'FREE BURD SEED' next to it. Gian and his four griffon bodyguards all shot a glare at Silver, who simply sighed.

"Trust me, that's not meant for you."

"You bet it isn't!" Arca interjected. A small circle of the road popped out of place, revealing that it was actually a helmet Arca had been wearing while hiding under the road. Arca turned, completely unbothered by the two foot tall cylinder of dirt and stone on his head, to face Silver. "Hi, Mayor Silver! Have you seen-"

"No."

"Okay! Let me know if you do. I'm getting him for sure this time!" The eccentric stallion ducked back down, blending back in with the cobblestones, only for a different stone nearby to flip open and have a periscope extend out of it. Silver trotted over to it, irritated but careful for anything.

"Arca." The periscope swung around to look the other direction. "Arca, we've been over this. I have not given you any permission to dig under the road! Now get out here!" He gripped the periscope with his mouth and front hooves and pulled. Except this time Arca didn't come out of the ground.

"Goodness, that was rather uncalled for, Mayor Silver. We have already circumvented thy restriction by granting our friend Arca special permission to burrow as he wishes in his quest for the eternal waterfowl!" Luna let out a laugh, while Silver facehoofed at the fact that he now had TWO eccentric ponies to deal with.

"And you are helping Arca with this… why?"

"The accursed bird stole our crown and we had to get a replacement. We desire revenge."

"Quack."

"Aha! The fiend approaches!" Luna and Arca ducked back under the ground as The Duck came in for a landing next to the bird seed, looking intrigued by the offering of food. "Hold thine position, Mayor Silver. We shalt be just a moment."

"Quack."

"Is… is this some sort of performance art piece?" Gian whispered to Silver as the periscope turned to watch The Duck carefully. It was beginning to eat the food happily, clearly enjoying the free meal.

"I wish."

"NOW, ARCANE!"

KA-GRUNCH

On Luna's signal, a massive fissure opened up in the ground in the span of a few seconds. It was at least thirty feet across and long enough to block the entire street. On one side, several houses collapsed into the sudden hole, while on the other side, the gorgeous statue toppled in and shattered at the bottom. The Duck, of course, remained where it was, because ducks can fly. It was also worth noting that the fissure tore through Luna's hiding spot, leaving her dangling over the edge by her hooves.

"Aha! Now we got- HEY! NO FAIR!" Arca popped back out of the ground, glaring at The Duck in anger. "You were supposed to fall in because this is a designated no-flying zone! Can't you read town ordinances?!"

KA-GRUNCH

Another shot of magic and the fissure instantly closed, forever burying that which was below it. This had the notable effect of trapping Luna in such a way that she was completely buried up to her neck, with only her head poking out of the ground. She did not look pleased. "Arcane! Release us at once!"

Arca didn't hear her. He was too busy trying to figure out how to chase after the retreating bird without taking to the skies himself. "Aha! I know!" Arca's horn lit up again, yanking a chunk of earth out of the ground that was shaped similar to a giant bullet. It slowly began to spin in the air as he took aim.

"Arcane?! Put us down right now!" Luna called from the back end of the projectile, starting to feel dizzy. "Arcane?!"

"I CAST YEET!"

"ARCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa………."

The gathered ponies and griffons watched as the earthen artillery soared off into the distance, over the mountains. Then they all looked at Arcane.

"Drat, I missed. Now, what did you want, Moon-Princess-Boss?" He paused, looking left and right. "...Moon-Princess-Boss? Huh, I guess she had to go to the bathroom or something."

"You!" Gian stormed up to Arca, touching his beak to Arcane's snout. "You destroyed my statue. You… you…" he paused, and the townsponies braced for the inevitable disaster that happened whenever Arca was attacked so obviously even he couldn't remain oblivious. "You… are a GENIUS!"

"Well, I do have a bunch of doctorates, so-"

"To take a piece of art that represents loss, that took a year to get perfect, and destroy it! Such a statement! I weep, for it is magnificent! The pain of its loss is exquisite! I must know your name!" He grabbed Arca's hoof in a claw and shook it enthusiastically.

"Please let go of my hoof. Also hi I'm Arcane Catalyst. Have you seen my friend anywhere? Tall, blue fur, kinda looks like Princess Luna?"

The snow and ice whipped past a rather irritated Princess Cadence and a VERY irritated Shining Armor. The train was still moving, thank Faust, but their personal train car had just been partially wrecked by a direct hit from a huge chunk of dirt and stone. Now their suite looked more like a rubble-covered flatbed car on the train, and while it was still on the rails and moving, she could not have been hit at a worse time. Worse still, the projectile that hit her train car was carrying a passenger.

"Auntie Luna. While I love you very, very much, I do not take kindly to anypony interrupting mine and Shiny's intimate time! You have exactly three seconds to say something to convince me not to buck you off this train and make you WALK home."

"Arcane and Razzle are dating."

"All is forgiven."

Author's Note

Yeet princess.
All the popular stallions are doing it.

Derailed Train of Thought

"Day court is now in session. All hail her majesty, Princess Twilight Sparkle!"

Dozens upon dozens of nobles waiting in the throne room bowed to Twilight as she flared her wings out with a calm smile, ready to start day court and help her ponies as best she could. Unfortunately, it was then that her eyes locked onto the one pony in the room who was not bowing. A very familiar, very unpredictable pony, who was too preoccupied staring off into space to realize that he was supposed to bow.

Arca stood in between a few very well-dressed ponies who, for the life of them, could not figure out how this wild-eyed stallion who looked like his mane had lost a fight with a hairdryer would ever be invited to the once a quarter, special nobility-only day court. They also wondered why none of the guards were coming over to confront him about not bowing to Twilight. Arca was thinking about other things, of course.

Right. So I need to, absolutely NEED to remember to petition the crown for replacing the glass bottles and flasks at the Alchemist's guild since they all broke when those colts snuck into the stockroom.

One of the guards bellowed out to the room. "Petitioner one, please step forward!" A mare stepped forward, and began talking to Twilight about some important investments her company was making, and the protections they'd need.

I wonder if the chemical composition of stained glass would alter the effects of potions if I used it instead of regular glass bottles? Whose idea was it to stain glass in the first place? I wonder if I can find that in the archives.

"Petitioner two, step forward!" Twilight smiled as she saw Rarity step up in front of her. The two exchanged pleasantries and a brief hug, before Twilight proceeded to grant Rarity's request for access to some hard-to-find fabrics for a project she'd been working on. Arca was still staring off into space.

Of course, the archives are a blast! There's so much to learn in there, I STILL haven't read it all. I should go check down there soon to see if there's anything fun I missed.

"Petitioner number twelve, please step forward!" Things were starting to move along as the nobility got into a rhythm, each having prepared their statements beforehand. This was a big chance, to have a request granted by the crown without any peasants around meant squeezing in a few things the common rabble wouldn't be fond of.

…of course, if I missed one thing, that probably means I missed like, twenty things. At least. I wonder if there's anything about potions related to cutie marks?

"Petitioner number twenty-three? Hello? Is there a representative from the royal alchemy guild here? Petitioner number twenty-three!"

Twilight let out a huff. "That's probably you-know-who. I'll take care of it. Arca? Arca?!"

Speaking of cutie marks, I wonder if there's any cute-ceñeras coming up. Wait, I can't plan for those. They just happen. I wonder if it originated in Marexico? It sounds like it did. That or somewhere else that speaks that language. Ooo, you know what I think of when I think of Marexico?

"ARCANE!" Twilight had stepped down from the throne, and walked up into Arca's face. That finally snapped him back to reality. "You're here for something, right? What are you here to ask the crown for?"

"I forget. But I do have a thing I want!"

Bunsen Burner, the current master of the Royal Alchemy Guild, paced back and forth in the main meeting room. "Perfect Measure, are you sure the train did not get delayed? I made sure to secure an early slot in day court for somepony to deliver our request. We've barely got enough glassware to keep the labs running, and we need to get that budget increase so we can get more."

Perfect Measure, Bunsen's secretary and an accomplished alchemist in her own right, nodded. "I gave the request to one of the newer secretaries. There's no possible way they could mess up going to day court and making a request. I hoofed it to Quick Mix myself."

"Wait, Quick Mix?" Another member of the higher-ups chimed in, sounding worried. "She had to go back to her dorm because she got sick from breakfast. She told me she handed an important paper to somepony on the committee who offered to go in her stead."

"The whole committee is here, though," Bunsen remarked, banging his hoof on his desk. "We've been here all day going over where we can move some funding around for repairs! The only member of the master's committee not here right now is-"

"...oh no."

There was a thick, still silence in the room as everypony processed what the implications of that statement was.

"ALOHA, MIS AMIGOS!"

And then the door to the meeting room swung open with way too much force. Arcane Catalyst trotted in, which was an impressive feat given that he was wearing a comically oversized sombrero that covered the upper half of his face. Also the wide brim of the sombrero was filled with salsa. Arca rattled a pair of maracas in his magic. "Who wants to PARTY HEARTY?"

A new record for simultaneous facehoofs from the guild committee was immediately reached. "Arcane. Did you just come from day court?"

"Yeah, Bunsen! Some apprentice was feeling sick, so I volunteered to deliver their message for them."

"And did you?"

"I think I got it right. We're having a global hat party, right?"

"Arcane… aren't you forgetting something?" Bunsen leaned in, trying to make Arca realize what he was supposed to be doing at day court.

"Oh. Oh! Oh right, I completely forgot! Here, Bunsen," Arca replied, placing the oversized sombrero on bunsen's head. "Hold this. I can't believe I forgot to ask the crown for chips to go with the salsa! I'll be back in like 6 hours, be careful not to spill it!" Before anypony else could get a word in, Ar a was out the door and galloping down the steps that would lead him to the lower floors, amd ultimately to the train station.

"...orders, Guild Master Bunsen?"

"Send a flare mail to Princess Celestia explaining what we actually wanted to petition the crown for. If Arca went to day court, she'll know he made a mistake. We all know how he gets when he has to sit in line."

"Anything else, sir?"

Bunsen lifted the sombrero slightly, looked at the other committee members, and groaned. "...alright, fine. Somepony go get some tortilla chips, no point letting this go to waste. I'm not wearing it while we eat, though."

Author's Note

This chapter was inspired by the following way-too-short-for a chapter bit:

"I HAVE ACQUIRED A LARGE SOMBRERO AND FILLED IT WITH SALSA FOR NO REASON!"

"Do you… do you have chips?"

"NO!"

Labcoats absolutely required

"Thank you, come again!" The last customer in the shop left, leaving Juniper Berry to her thoughts. The young, light green pegasus mare took a moment to brush a stray lock of her muted purple mane out of her face. It seemed her ponytail had come slightly undone over the course of the day, and she quickly fixed it to avoid looking disorganized to any customers. Unlike her boss, she had to be out front most of the day.

However, her self-reflections came to a halt as the door to the shop swung open once more, a light Ding-Dilling-Ding echoing through the modestly-sized building from the door chimes. In walked somepony who she had never met before, a buisnessmare with a serious air about her.

"Oh, hello! Welcome to Alchemiracles, ma'am. May I help you today?" Juniper managed to force a smile. She knew without even hearing a single word that this mare was bound to be one of THOSE customers.

"Ah, yes. Hello, my name is Emerald Essence, and I came here to-" Despite the prim and proper mare's normally unflinching demeanor, the deep green unicorn paused as a loud clattering sound came from the back of the building. Juniper knew that noise, and decided that now might be the best time to finish her tea before it spilled, taking a sip. "Did you hear that? No matter, my buisness proposal is far more important than any silly mess you have to cl-"

"DID SOMEPONY SAY 'ESSENCE'?!" The door marked 'employees only' flew open with so much force that the shelves shook. Emerald spun around to face the intrusion, terrified, while Juniper didn't even flinch as she finished her drink. A bright orange unicorn stallion with a wild, frazzled purple and yellow mane poked his head out of the doorframe excitedly. He lifted the thick goggles he was wearing to his forehead to see better, revealing his green eyes. "I swear I heard 'Essence'. Juniper! How did you know we just ran out of essence of frog and limes? I need those for my latest batch... of..." He looked around quizzically, the lab coat covering his body making noise as the dozen or so attached vials of colorful liquids clinked together. "Where is it?"

"Boss, this mare's name is Essence. She just walked in. And I'll be sure to order essence of frog and essence of lime," Juniper sighed. New ponies in town always took a while to warm up to her mentor. "Miss Essence, this is my mentor, Arcane Catalyst."

"Nonono, Juniper. I need essence of frog, and I need limes. The actual fruit. You know I like to snack on them sometimes. Anyway," he turned to face Emerald. "Nice to meetcha! Call me Arca, everypony else does. Now, did you want to buy any potions, ingredients, supplies, or guidebooks?"

Emerald Essence looked at the stallion cautiously. "No, I actually-"

"Not my department then! I've been away from my experiment too long anyway, it might expolde! Or cause rapid plant growth. Alchemy is wierd like that. Nice meeting you!" He turned around and hurriedly trotted back into the back.

Emerald was fuming at this point. "How dare that stallion interrupt me so many times? And when I am so close to what I want. You there, girl. How much would it take to buy the shop? I recently expanded my businesses to include the jewelers across the street and this place is an eyesore that needs shutting down."

Juniper sighed. One of THOSE customers, indeed. "Ma'am, I'm sorry but we don't just sell the buisness because it doesn't look good from your store. This place is a staple of the community, you can't simply buy it away!" A moment later, she was struck with a powerful magic spell from Emerald, and found herself much more agreeable to the mare's whims. "Actually, why don't you head back to his lab? I'm sure he'd love to sell."

"Much better, dear. See how nice it is when you cooperate? I'll be right back." As she left, Juniper shook of the hypnosis she had been struck with and chuckled to herself. If there was one thing her boss hated, it's when she broke the cardinal rule...

Emerald Essence pushed the door to the lab open and took a moment to look at all the ingredients and potions scattered around. Organized, but in use. Arca stood over a cauldron in the back, humming to himself as he tossed in various ingredients and stirred. Emerald went to go and say something, but before she could take more than one step into the lab she was hit in the face with a flying labcoat and the door closed in her face.

"What do I always say, Juniper?! Fur coats in the shop, LAB COATS IN THE LAB! You're gonna get hurt one of these days, I swear..."

Emerald stood up, fuming mad. She pushed the door open again... "Now listen here, you li-" ...and promptly got another faceful of labcoat.

"You know I have spares, Juniper! I can keep this up all day! Labcoats. Are. Required!"

Grumbling, Emerald hastily draped a labcoat over herself and strode in. "How dare you fling something at me like that, you brute! I demand compensation."

Arca looked up from his cauldron again. "Oh! Hey, you aren't Juniper. You're that lady that didn't want to buy anything. You do know this is an employee's only area, right? Oh, did June hire you? Sorry I didn't greet you properly then, have a look around!"

Fed up with everything that had happened so far, Emerald Essence thrust a contract forward for signing the shop away, and hit Arca with a strong hypnosis spell. "Sign. This. Now." She floated a quill over into the stallion's magical grasp.

Much to her surprise, however, Arca didn't even flinch, reading over the paper. "Uh... why would I want to sell the shop? I like it here. The community likes us here. Getting rid of the shop would be a bad idea."

"Rrrgh! That's IT!" Emerald charged up the strongest possible spell she could. The other spells might have been illegal, but casting dominion was nearly a war crime. "SIGN THE PAPER!"

"Nah." He tossed it idly to the side, only for it to fall into the vat, and it started to shake and bubble. "Oh. Uh-oh..."

When conciousness returned to the three ponies in the shop, an explosion of plant life had destroyed the front of the shop, as well as causing a literal explosion at the jewelers Emerald so desperately wanted to give a better view to, somehow.

"My jewelers! I invested so much into that! No!" She cried out.

Dangling from a vine, Juniper sighed. "I guess I'd better go get the hedge clippers. And the insurance claims."

Finally, a lightly charred Arca emerged from the rubble of the shop. His goggles were cracked, his labcoat ripped, and tears of pure joy were in his eyes.

"Juniper! Look! IT DID BOTH THINGS!"

Author's Note

And so we start a seperate comedy series of corporate shenanigans for any time I can't think of what to do next in "Prank War!" Variety is the spice of life, after all.

Memo to the trade exchange vendors

Hello and welcome, trader, to the wonderful town of Rainbow falls! We are delighted to receive your RSVP and your spot in the annual trade exchange this spring has been confirmed. Attached to this letter, you will find a map of the expected trade exchange bazaar as well as which stall you will be running.

While the trade exchange is going on, there are a few extra rules beyond the normal ones that the town operates on. For starters, modern currency of any kind is not allowed to be used for trades. Antique coins are allowed. Any trade must be agreed upon as fair by both parties, and disputes are to be handled by the attending princess.

Most importantly, though, if you plan to wear a lab coat for any reason to the event, (with one exception. You know who you are, Arca) you must apply at town hall for a ‘Not Arca’ tag so that there is no confusion. See the photo of the stallion attached? That is Arcane Catalyst, a resident of Rainbow Falls never seen without his lab coat. As he has accidentally circumvented rules in the past, anypony assumed to be Mr. Catalyst may be asked to prove they are not in disguise to prevent any shenanigans.

Arca, I've attached the extra rules. Please read them, and also put in an order for 50 healing potions for city hall. Bill the town, not me this time! -Silver

-Arca may not trade or receive any of the following objects. Doing so results in the trade being automatically null and void and a fine put on Arca's running tab. Arca may not trade:
Unmarked potions, mismarked potions, anything relating to the Power Ponies franchise, potatoes, potahtoes, tomatoes, tomahtoes, I.O.U.s, U.O.Me.s, favors, ~~low-velocity explosives~~ ~~high-velocity explosives~~ ANY explosives, any alcohol, juniper berries, the pony known as Juniper Berry, any of Juniper's trading supplies, rainbow fluid, Rainbow Falls (how did he even manage that?), anything that Arca cannot identify, The Duck, mystery boxes, the ~~sofa~~ couch cushions fort, live animals, dead animals, UNdead animals, any animal in a quantum state of alive and dead (again, HOW), and the acting princess's ceremonial throne, regardless of how funny Celestia thought it was to have to do the exchange on an old barstool. Also, barstools.
-Fake mustaches are NOT disguises, especially if they still have the tag hanging off of them. Then it's just insulting to the guards.
-Arca may not partake in any carnival games involving ~~darts~~ any sharp object.
-"A foal double dog dared me to” is not a valid excuse for pouring twenty gallons of liquid sugar into a cotton candy machine. The park is still sticky in some spots.
-It is also not a valid excuse to do any morally questionable activity.
-Or any activity.
-Putting a whoopee cushion on Mayor Silver's chair at the banquet was funny exactly once, please do not try again.
-Not allowed to put anything on Mayor Silver's chair ~~at the banquet~~ ever
-No playing with the ‘test your magic power’ game. Not even if the stuffed animal prizes ‘call to you’.
-No playing the ‘test your might’ game without at least 5 magic suppressing rings active.
-Offering ‘your strongest potion’ to any adventurers heading into battle requires a permit for causing natural disasters. (Why Arca has one, I'll never know)
-Do not try to pluck the feathers off the ~~princess~~ ~~tourists~~ ~~birds at the exchange~~ anything for ~~potion ingredients~~ any reason.
~~-Even if I ask nicely?~~
-No, and Arca may not edit THIS list, either.
-Not allowed to dare any performer to ‘amp up their act’ and then suggest a more dangerous variation. Especially if Arca can't do it himself.
-The following are not considered projectile or melee weapons against thieves during the exchange, or ever:
Paper airplanes, trade merchandise, potions, explosives, the entire couch cushion fort, a llama, two llamas, ANY amount of llamas other than zero, food, bits (that just encourages them), anything from any carnival game ~~involving sharp objects~~, Mayor Silver, sticks, stones, mean words written on a crumpled up piece of paper, the cheese, Arcane Catalyst, town hall, Arca’s homemade pizza (we don't want to torture anypony, for Celestia's sake), the severed leg of that giant spider, ~~Juniper Berry~~ ANY berry, especially the pony, the physical manifestation of Arca's dignity (as it doesn't exist, it wouldn't do anything anyway), lasers, lazers, MOAR LAZORS, sick dance moves, frozen peas, anything preceded by “I've got an idea!” or any variant of said phrase, stress balls, Arca's ADHD medicine (yes, it is heavy enough, but he needs that, even if he claims otherwise), ~~the princess~~ ~~any royal~~ STOP THROWING PONIES, ARCA!

Author's Note

"How do you even get your hooves on these lists, Arca?"

"Oh, I'm on the committee. And the city counsel as an honorary member."

"And who put you on those?"

"I dunno, it's been a while."

Give 'em that Razzle Dazzle

Boss, I'm taking the day off. A famous equestrian fashion model is in town on tour, and I want to attend her autograph signing. No, she does not have a ‘chic lab coat’ line, so you wouldn't be interested.
-Juniper

P.S. Please try to keep the shop in one piece while I'm gone.

“Huh. Guess I have to run the shop today. Fudge, I had the perfect plan to get The Duck this time!” Arca lamented his obligation to run his business as he read the note stuck to his door. He was wearing a giant sandwich costume and massive novelty sunglasses, holding a pair of maracas in his magic, and towing seven gallons of ping pong balls painted like eyes in a blue wagon missing a wheel. “Fine, it was probably gonna fail anyway.” With a harumph, he blink teleported out of the costume and chucked the ensemble over the cliff.

“Quack.” Suddenly, The Duck flew past Arca and down the cliff toward the supplies, clearly enticed by what had been tossed over the cliff.

“No, wait! Wait, I take it back! Come back here, you blasted bird!”

He ran to the edge of the cliff, but had to ultimately concede defeat and head inside to start business for the day.

Juniper Berry was very excited. The Razzle Dazzle, world-famous unicorn actress, supermodel, and two-time miss Equestria winner, was doing a photo shoot at one of the rainbow waterfalls. And after that, she was holding an autograph session and even posing with a few lucky fans! She had a nice poster all ready to be signed and everything. There was already a crowd, she noted as she galloped towards the swarm of ponies, many of them trying to get the star's attention...

“Miss Dazzle! Please sign my flank!”
“She looked in my direction! Did you see that?”
“Oh my Celestia, I can't believe it's really her!”
“Quack.”
“Have my foals!”
“I have all your merchandise!”
“I'm your biggest fan!”

“Don't take another step closer, please.” A few burly security ponies stood against the crowd, making sure that only one fan at a time could reach the idol, chosen by the mare herself. They were big, burly, intimidating earth ponies who looked like they could crush bones in a single blow, and pegasi who could easily ground any fliers. Not that they scared Juniper, given that her boss was capable of similar feats without even being an earth pony or pegasus. Regardless, she didn't want to drop her poster flying, so she reared up on her hind legs and craned her neck as high up as she could to see the superstar.

There, greeting her fans and smiling for the camera, was the epitome of equestrian beauty. A slender frame, that gorgeous wavy purple mane with yellow highlights, her slightly curved horn polished to perfection, a pristine coat so light blue it could be mistaken for white, and shimmering green eyes above a perfectly sculpted muzzle. Truly, Razzle Dazzle was one of, if not the most sought after pony in Equestria. There was, however, one strange thing about the mare: she immediately lost her temper if anypony so much as touched her. Even accidental bumps in crowds would earn one a withering glare, and woe be it to anypony who asked her on a date or touched her inappropriately, as nopony would do that without earning a black eye at least.

“Miss?” Juniper nearly leapt three feet in the air as one of the security ponies spoke to her, having cantered up while she was thinking. “Miss Dazzle has chosen you to come speak with her.”

Juniper felt her breath catch in her throat. “M-me?”

“Yes. Can you fly? We can carry your poster for you.”

Juniper hoofed over her poster and tore through the sky to reach one of her idols, coming to a midair stop as she saw who had gotten through the blockade of security and was speaking with the celebrity.

“Look, all I'm saying is that my jewelry would look perfect on you! What do you say, three thousand bits for the set? That's 99% of the original price, since you're so famous!

The showmare sighed. “Look, miss... Essence, was it? I don't wear jewelry off set. Please, take your cheap trinkets and leave me be, I have my fans to attend to.”

Still, Emerald was undeterred. “I insist. Here, try it on and see,” she demanded, grasping Razzle's hoof in her magic to slip a frock band on. Juniper, still hovering above, winced in pity as Razzle slapped Emerald so hard she went tumbling down the hill and into the line of security. As the burly ponies forced her behind the blockade again, Emerald cried out, “You're no better than that pesky stallion! Buck you, you insufferable whorse! I'll sue!”

“Hmph.” Razzle turned her gaze skyward to lock eyes with Juniper. “I'm not in a good mood after that, so I think you'll be my last fan of the day. Hurry up and land, girl.”

Juniper landed swiftly and slowly trotted up to the mare, clearly star struck. “H-hi, my name is Juniper, and…” she lifted a hoof for a hoof shake, but quickly retracted it. “...sorry about that.” she mentally braced for a tongue-lashing for her mistake. Instead, she found the supermodel’s face so close to her mane she was nearly in it, sniffing like a dog. She took one more deep whiff and retreated.

“Mmm… Why, my dear, that's some of the most wonderful perfume I've smelled in ages!” Razzle complimented. “I can't put my hoof on it, but it smells divine! Where did you get it?”

Surprised at the sudden attitude change, Juniper managed an answer. “Uh… I'm not wearing any perfume. At best, I smell like my workplace, and I really doubt an alchemy shop would smell that good.”

Razzle's eyes widened. “Did you say alchemy shop?”

Suddenly, the ground Razzle was laying on rose up a foot in the air, coating her in loose dirt, and a very familiar unicorn poked his head out of the ground, wearing an excavation helmet and carrying a shovel. “Alright! Alchemiracles’s emergency escape tunnel is done! Oh, hi Juniper!”

“Boss?”

Razzle angrily ducked her head down to look under the ground she had been lifted up on, coming face to face with Arcane Catalyst. “WHO IN THE WORLD DARES TO RUIN MY PRISTINE COAT-”

There was a moment of still silence as the two ponies looked at each other. Arcane was the first to break the silence. “NEVERMIND! Tunnel's cancelled, I'm filling it back up! See you at home, Juniper! Bye!” and he slammed the ground back down, heading back under it.

Razzle reacted immediately, jumping off the spot she was sitting on and levitating the ground back up to see a ladder leading down. “ARCIE-POO! I MISSED YOU!”

From below, the stallion could be heard:
“WE ARE NOT DATING!”

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” she muttered. Razzle turned to Juniper, smiling. “I get it now. You smell like him, my betrothed, my future husband. You must work with him. I have to find him. He said Alchemiracles… I have to find it! Worry not, my love, I speed to your side!” and in a flash of light, she teleported away.

Juniper, on the other hoof, decided she needed a drink, and a new favorite celebrity.

Author's Note

NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHING

RAZZLE DAZZLE

Miracle on the flower field

Celestia swooped down onto the altar atop the mountains, a place she had not visited in over 200 years. Still, she remembered the route, and from there, the path to the field of miracle flowers where she knew Arca would be hiding. Razzle followed suit, touching down in a very fast and very risky landing maneuver. "Jezebel. Have you ever been up here?"

"I...no, but this place is beautiful. He's hiding here?" She paused for a moment, then added, "And please, call me Razzle."

"Very well. And yes, Arca will be here. It's a secret place that only three living ponies know of: Him, Mage Meadowbrook, and myself. Go on in," she gestured to the small mouth of the cave. "But with your background as Arca's apprentice, I recommend you prepare yourself for a shock. I… will not follow you for now. He will not want to see me. Good luck, Je- no, good luck, Razzle."

Razzle turned and nodded to Celestia, adding in a small glare. It spoke volumes more than words could, conveying her determination to help her beloved and her current disdain for the solar alicorn. The succupony took hurried steps down the path, heading into a small cavern… and froze.

"Miracle flowers," she breathed as quietly as possible. She had never seen so many of the flower in one place, which was apparently so rare Arca only 'found' ten every year. And there, in the center of the clearing, was the sleeping form of the orange alicorn she had fallen madly in love for. She slowly moved closer, laying down next to Arca to get a better look. He seemed tired from flying up here, and there were dried tears around his eyes. He stirred as Razzle laid down.

"Ghn...wha? F-five more minutes… I was dreaming 'bout cake mountain…"

"Arca, wake up." Razzle paused for a moment, thinking, then realized what she had to say to get him up. "You have a customer!"

"WELCOME TO ALCHEMIRACLES!" Arca shot straight upright, nearly knocking Razzle off balance. "Wait… this isn't my store! This is- how did I- Razzle?! How the buck did you find this place?"

"Celestia sent me." Upon hearing those words, Arca visibly paled and took a few reckless steps backwards. "Arcie, she's not mad. She wanted to apologize. The town is worried about you, and-"

"The town thinks I'm a freak now! You heard that angry green pony! It's no different than hundreds of years ago, when I had to hide these… these…" He glanced at his wings, staring at them with a mix of disdain, hatred, and sadness. "These… freakish deformities." He sighed, fresh tears welling up. "You remember, right? What I told you all those years ago when you found out? The villagers called me a pretender to the throne and tried to kill me! They led a LYNCH MOB, Razzle! It was only because of Celestia saying it was a temporary side effect of my potions I survived, and she had me cover hide these damn wings to keep the lie! And now I disobeyed her… there's nopony left who likes me!"

A new voice pierced the cavern, and both ponies snapped their heads toward its speaker. "If that's how you feel about yourself, then I have failed you both as a friend and leader."

"Celestia…?"

"I'll cut to the chase. Arca, as princess of Equestria, I hereby pardon you of your perceived transgression of revealing your wings, and as the pony who issued that royal order to you in the first place, I now declare it null and void."

"But everypony in town-"

"Is waiting for their beloved member of the community to come back. The world's changed over a thousand years, Arcane. Both Twilight and Cadence ascended to Alicorn status, and princess Flurry Heart was born. If the public can handle three new alicorns, they can handle the secret fourth one or deal with me."

"See, Arcie-warkie?" Razzle hopped up and down on her hooves. "You're a prince!"

"I'm not a-" Arca was silenced as Razzle, having had enough, looped a hoff around his head and pulled him in for a passionate kiss. After a good ten seconds that felt like a blissful eternity for the succupony, she pulled away.

"You're MY prince."

Arca looked at her with wide eyes. "R-razzle… thank you. Oh my gosh, thank you! You're the best!" Razzle blushed and moved to say something, but Arca continued. "That passionate kiss means you gotta give me that issue of Detective Surehoof!"

Razzle and Celestia facehooved. "Love you too, Arcie, my one and only."

"Well then, Arcane," Celestia began. "Shall we head back and assuage the town's worries? They care about you more than you probably realize."

Arca looked at Celestia, then at Razzle. "Only if you two spot me. I'm not sure I can fly back."

"Absolutely! We'd never abandon a friend like that."

"Okay, then!" Arca stepped forward, and flopped down onto a bed of flowers, closing his eyes and smirking. "But I said five more minutes, and I'm getting my five more minutes!"

Author's Note

Coming up next... Emerald finally gets what a good portion of you have been waiting for! A one-on-one with Celestia and she's unknowingly backed herself into a corner from day one. Are you all excited?

Go fish

Twilight Sparkle was not having a good day. For starters, her mane was an absolute mess. Add that to the fact that the pony she had come to see had turned her away at the door, and she wasn't in a good mood.

"Spike," she turned to her assistant, who got out a quill and scroll on instinct. "Take a letter. Dear Princess Celestia, today I approached that new alicorn I recently read about in the newspaper. I wanted to find out what caused his ascension, as there have not been any major events recently like the ones my friends and I have faced. But he turned me away at the door citing his business as to why he couldn't talk, and gave me a potion that resulted in… well, the barber shop seemed unfazed by it, at least. I ask your advice on how to approach this new addition to the alicorns, as he appears to have gone slightly power-mad with his newfound skills. Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle."

Spike the dragon finished scribbling down the letter and prepared to send it off, but before he could inhale to prepare his fire breath, an alabaster hoof snatched the letter from his grasp. "Oh, a letter for me? I haven't gotten anything from you recently, Twilight."

Twilight spun around to find her mentor and current princess of the sun, Celestia, smiling down at her. She was dressed in, of all things, a fishing vest and carried several rods and other fishing equipment with her. Standing behind the regal alicorn were Mage Meadowbrook and a pegasus mare she didn't recognize.

"Twilight, dearie, it's been ages! Come here, let me get a look at you." Meadowbrook stepped forward and gave Twilight a quick once-over. "Dearie, you definitely look like you had a run-in with my colt. Want to come fishing with us to unwind? I know he's quite the hoofful. Oh, and where are my manners? This is Juniper Berry, she'll be joining us today."

"It's an honor, your majesty," Juniper said as she bowed.

Twilight dismissively waved a hoof. "Oh, don't worry about formal titles. Call me Twilight! And if you're all willing to have me, I would be happy to tag along! Celestia, can we perhaps talk about that alicorn later?"

"I was actually going to speak with you about him soon. And these two know him personally,so I'm sure they would be happy to warn you about Arca's… eccentric behaviors."

Juniper groaned. "I swear, even on my days off he gets involved."

The deep blue waters of crater lake shimmered in the midday sun as four ponies (plus royal guards) stood on the deck on a rented fishing vessel.

"So he's pretty much Pinkie Pie, but an alicorn."

"That's a good way of putting it, yes."

Twilight cast her line out again with another question. "And he's older than Cadence?"

Juniper reeled in a fish, letting it go quickly. "Meadowbrook raised him, so I can say with certainty that he was around before the elements of harmony."

"And he travelled from the past the long way, like I did, so he is a bit dated in his attitudes," Celestia added. "And remember, he won't remember you unless you buy something from him."

The group continued fishing in relative silence for a bit, occasionally swapping stories about their daily lives, their friends, and their jobs. It was peaceful.

Meadowbrook sat down for a minute to relax. "So, Juniper, you pretty much live here, with this lake at the base of the cliff the town is on. Why's it called Crater Lake?"

Twilight's eyes lit up and she entered 'lecture mode' instantly. "Oh, I know this! This lake used to be a mine in the early days of Rainbow Falls, until a Gryphon airship crashed in it and destabilized the mine's structure. The ship's still down there, probably laden with gold, gems, and ancient artifacts that could be worth a fortune!"

Celestia giggled. "Mostly right, Twilight, but part of that is a lie to prevent anypony back then from knowing how strong Arca is. Remember what I told you about the townsponies trying to run him out of town after becoming an alicorn?"

"So what really happened?"

Juniper chimed in. "He changes the story every time, but the only thing he keeps consistent is that there never was a mine, and the crater is from him fighting something. He told me he suplexed a hydra hard enough to make the impact."

Celestia gave a quizzical look. "That's a new one. He told me that he summoned a meteor to beat a dragon… but he told Luna that he defeated a Roc with 'an admittedly excessive amount of dynamite'."

"Nah, I totally beat a Golem with a super giant mega lazer blazer attack!"

Everyone on the ship jumped in surprise at once. "ARCA?!"

"Heya! How's it going, folks?" Arcane, who had suddenly surfaced from the water with nothing but a wet lab coat and a snorkel, grabbed the side of the boat and pulled himself up… before proceeding to shake off like a dog, soaking everypony. "Ah… much better! Now then, permission to come aboard, Captain Princess-boss?"

"Ugh… you might as well."

"Yay!" The damp stallion totted gleefully over to Meadowbrook and gave her a hug, which she reciprocated without complaint. "Hi, mom! I missed you! And I found a cool thing! Look!" Lighting his horn, Arca levitated a large treasure chest out of the water. It looked old, and valuable. "I found this down at the bottom while snorkeling."

Juniper stopped him. "Wait… this lake is 300 feet deep. No snorkel could reach that far."

"That probably explains why I couldn't breathe, then. Thank goodness for my oxygen potions!" He held one up to show off the concoction.

"That's an empty bottle."

"No, it's an oxygen potion. Big difference."

"WHAT?!" The group suddenly turned to Twilight, who had opened the treasure chest. "Why is this thing filled with KELP?! Where are the ancient coins? The gems? The historical artifacts?"

Arca shrugged. "Oh, you mean that shiny stuff? I ditched 'em to make room for the kelp. I needed ground up kelp for some potions, and fresh ingredients are always better!"

Twilight facehooved. "Dear princess Celestia, I give up. Please send cider."

Author's Note

"Look, you want me to go back down and get that useless gold stuff? It's not even equestrian bits, but I could send it via mail to you, Twiggles Snarkle."

"Arcane, I can think of so many ways that can go wrong, it's not even funny."

"Priority mail, then?"

"No."

Hearts, Hooves, and Potions

"Ah, good morning, Juniper- uhm… what in Faust's name are you wearing?" Celestia had just walked into Alchemiracles to start her latest shift. In some ways, it reminded her of walking in on Twilight: expect anything. And just like dealing with Twilight, when the assistant was wearing a helmet and taking cover, there was cause for alarm.

"Sshh!" Juniper grabbed Celestia and pulled her behind the counter as quickly and quietly as she could. "Do you not check the calendar now that you and Luna get days off from ruling? It's HEARTS AND HOOVES DAY."

"Your point?"

"Last year Arca dumped a truth potion into the water supply intending to help shy colts confess their love to their crushes. Except it made EVEYPONY incapable of lying for a whole week."

Celestia quickly magicked up a helmet of her own and hunkered down next to the green pegasus. "So what's the plan? Hide until closing?"

"That, or-" Juniper was cut off as the floor underneath Celestia sprang up on a hinge, knocking her back with a very unladylike yelp. And who else rose out of the crawl space but the one stallion they didn't want to see.

"Hi girls!" Arca cheerfully greeted the pair. "How are you today? Wait no come back!" Before he could do anything, Celestia had already lit up her horn and warped herself and Juniper to somewhere else, likely far away. Not having the desire or time to try and attempt a chase-teleport, he sighed and closed the trapdoor, slipping back into the darkness below. He quickly stood up as the secret ramp took him deeper underground, past the blaring neon sign that read 'Arca's Super duper top secret under the lab laboratory! Tours 5 bits apiece. Donations accepted.'

"Goodness, what a racket! Do those two not understand?
When brewing new concoctions, loud noises distract from the task at hand."

Arca rounded a bend in the tunnel and entered his basement lab, where a tall, dark blue alicorn was working on something in a cauldron while a zebra watched. "Heh… Zecora, was it? Do all you guys rhyme or is it like a social thing? Because last time I visited the savannas, you lot were speaking in iambic pentameter." In response, Zecora rolled her eyes. When Luma had invited her to come meet an alchemical master, this wasn't what she envisioned, but she was used to such surprises.

"That part of our history we have long since forgot.
Does it matter? It does not."

While Arca pondered how a zebra would brew anything using an orange as an ingredient, Luna chimed in. "We thank thee for letting us help on this new formula, Arcane. Truly, this love potion shall ignite the flames of passion between two lovers and corner the market! We shall be hailed as heroes and rival niece Cadence!"

"Wait, flames of passion? Ooo, I don't think we have any napalm lying around, but I do have some dragonfire death peppers!" Arca shifted over to the stacks of ingredients, grabbed a jar of the ground-up plant in question, and unceremoniously dumped the entire contents of the far into the cauldron. He started mixing in the ingredient when hoofsteps coming down the stairs made them all turn. On sheer instinct, Arca screamed "LAB COATS REQUIRED!" And flung a spare from a hanger into the face of the one pony among the new arrivals who wasn't wearing one. Then he realized who just walked in. "Oh… buck."

"Language, young colt. I raised you better than that," Mage Meadowbrook chided, glaring at her adoptive son.

"Arcie! I've come to take you on a date, my very special somepony!" Razzle Dazzle sped past Meadowbrook and almost tackle-hugged Arca before realizing that there was a bubbling, unknown potion behind him, and had the brains to skid to a stop instead.

Arca glanced at Razzle's designer lab coat for a moment, impressed at how much detail there was and how many designs there were in it without obstructing movement. Befitting of a supermodel of Razzle's fame. "I don't remember agreeing to a date."

"I set it all up for you, silly colt!" She booped him on the nose with a hoof. And I find you hiding from me down here!"

"That was the idea, Raz. I'm working." Arca turned around and stirred the mixture again, not noticing Zecora and Meadowbrook excusing themselves to both catch up and in Meadowbrook's case, guard the back exit so Arca couldn't get out. She was determined to see grandfoals at some point.

"Then stop working and come with me for a night on the town! Dinner, dancing, just you and me…"

"How did you even find this lab? I specifically hid the entrance from you with an unbreakable illusion spell!"

"You mean that tiny piece of paper taped to the back door that said 'no door here, move along'?"

"Yes! Does nopony do what written notes tell them to these days? I swear-" he swung out his upper hooves in his usual 'are you bucking kidding me' stance, but a CLANG resounded as a hoof collided with the cauldron and tipped it over. "Oh wait, buck m-"

FWOOOOOSH

Even from far up the mountain, where Celestia and Juniper had retreated to for safety and a picnic lunch, saw the Alchemiracles shop explode in a massive, heart-shaped plume of smoke. They nodded to each other, mutually glad they had ran off for the day, and poured another glass of cider.

Back at what used to be the 1,278th building of Alchemiracles, Meadowbrook and Zecora stared at the charred rubble of the basement lab as first Luna, then Arca, and lastly Razzle clawed their way out of the rubble.

"The pain they feel is immeasurable, I presume.
We are lucky that only the immortals were caught in that big kaboom." Zecora's rhyming was mostly ignored as everypony got their bearings.

Arca looked in Razzle's direction and wailed. "Oh no! Oh no! How could something so beautiful, so flawless, be ruined by my carelessness! I'm so sorry!" He crawled across the wreckage towards Razzle, and she couldn't seem happier.

"It's okay, Arcie. I will always love you, no matter what, now let's go on that da-"

"My sign! My beautiful sign!" Arca crawled past Razzle and dragged his magically lit neon sign from a pile of burning wood. Where it once read 'Arca's Super duper top secret under the lab laboratory! Tours 5 bits apiece. Donations accepted.', most of the letters were shorted out. The few letters still lit spelled: 'Arca's_S___o_________b_____u___ce____d.'.

"There's not even a K! It's spelled wrong!"

"Oh, I'll show you 'so bucked'. Get over here and date me!"

"Help! Mom! Do something!"

And so, as Arcane Catalyst ran into the mountains, covered in soot and with an irritated Razzle hot on his heels, another Rainbow Falls Hearts and Hooves day drew to a close.

Author's Note

"Arca, go to your room. You're grounded for burning your shop down."

"But moooom, there is no room!"

"I know you have spare shops ready to be moved into place. Now go to your room."

"Dangit."

Daydream Believer

Orange hooves hit the forest floor in a panic, thundering in a rhythm as the pony tore down a side path that seemed like the same one they'd just gone down. Their purple mane whipped around in the wind, further highlighting their location. A manticore ripped through the underbrush behind them, its eyes glinting in the pale moonlight.

The pony desperately tried to flap their wings, but to no avail. The feathery appendages just couldn't get lift. The manticore got closer and closer, its sharp jaws snapping with vicious force. Finally, it was within range. I pounced, fangs ready to tear the unfortunate pony limb from limb, and-

"ENOUGH!"

The manticore suddenly froze in midair. There was no magic aura, no traps, nothing. It was as though some higher power had simply hit pause. The pony, however, was free to move. She scrambled to her hooves a few feet away from the beast, only for a familiar form to step out of the shadows.

"Scootaloo. We apologize for taking so long to reach thee, but it seems we have arrived in time nevertheless. Thy dreams seem troubled."

Scootaloo breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, Luna! Boy am I glad to see you." The filly galloped over to the alicorn and hugged her, which Luna of course reciprocated. "Thank you. I'm sorry I've been having so many nightmares recently."

"Tis no issue, Scootaloo." Luna draped a wing over her and guided her over to a clearing, where a campfire materialized for them to talk. "We understand how difficult it can be to struggle with something like flying. But thou art our friend, and even if thou were not, we would help thee regardless." The pair arrived and sat down on a log next to the crackling dream fire. "Besides, we can think of an orange and purple pony who causes us more problems than your Cutie Mark Crusaders ever could."

"He sounds like a real hoof full," replied Arca, floating a marshmallow into the fire.

Luna, princess of the night and dreams, let out a very non-regal, startled whinny as she became suddenly aware of the orange and purple pony in question sitting next to her. Her wings fanned out in alarm, the force sending her falling backwards onto the floor of the imaginary forest.

"Gesundheit."

"Arcane." Luna slowly sat up, glaring at the stallion. "Not that we fail to enjoy thy company, but how in the B-" she paused, recalling Scootaloo next to her. "-how in the HAY didst thou dreamwalk all the way to Ponyville's dreams?!"

"Dreamwalking potion to enter the dream realm, duh. But beyond that... uh... sorry, moon-princess-boss, not allowed to tell you. Yidhra would get annoyed if I shared secrets outside of her friend circle."

"Who?!"

"Oh, are we doing owl impressions? I thought we were helping this filly who looks surprisingly like me with flying problems."

Luna glared at Arca. "Why. Art. Thou. Here."

"You forgot to write down how many bits were in the register at the end of your shift at alchemiracles."

Luna facehoofed. "...seriously?"

"Yeah. Anyway, moving on. Little one! If your dream-self is anything like your real self, your wings seem to be underdeveloped. I can make a potion to stimulate growth, but I would need to reach your location. Hm… I know Zecora lives near ponyville, I could infiltrate her dreams to give her the recipe. But she's on vacation in her home country."

Scootaloo looked up at Arca with a mixture of curiosity and hope. "My classmate Apple Bloom can make potions. We once made a love potion that got a bit out of control, though…"

"Classmate?" Arca cocked his head to one side. "How old is she? This isn't a recipe for amateurs."

"Uh… Twelve?"

"GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! That's the perfect age for kinda thinking you know what you're doing so you're willing to take chances, make mistakes and get messy! I'll just-"

Luna cut in, her horn shimmering with magic. "Thou art not leaving this dream until morning, Arcane, for we have fortified its structure such that not even our dreamwalking could escape it until Scootaloo wakes up. We do not trust Apple Bloom to have the expertise required to- what art thou doing?"

"Leaving. What does it look like?"

Scootaloo decided to throw her two bits in. "It, uh, looks like you are trying to walk into a tree near the still-paused manticore. How does that help you leav- hey, where did he go?"

Sure enough, Arca had chosen that moment to do a forward somersault at a slight angle into the tree, which seemed to do nothing until he followed up with a backflip, which caused him to touch the manticore. This caused him to melodramatically recoil backwards in pain, appearing to flash in and out of existence for a few seconds, and then he proceeded to fall through the floor and out of the dream.

"Scootaloo, we believe it is time for us to take our leave so we may pursue our dear friend."

"I thought you said you can't escape this dream."

Luna groaned. "...then perhaps thou can assist us in trying to replicate what we just witnessed. …once we figure out what that even WAS."

The next afternoon, Arcane was sitting behind the counter, reading his old journal to pass the time, when Twilight Sparkle walked in the door. She didn't look happy.

"Oh! Princess Twinkie Sprinkie! Hi!" Arca took a moment to glance over Twilight's body. "...your wings have fur on them."

"Next time tell the 'Cutie Mark Crusaders Potion Makers' that ketchup is not a substitute for crimsonleaf pulp."

"Okay, but did the potion work though?"

Author's Note

"Noclipping. The ultimate escape, so long as you can survive those wierd endless hallways. Thankfully I have a map."

"That's not how the backrooms work."

"Says you, Yiddhy."