Tirek's New Roommate

“Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily. Life is but a dream. Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merri—”

“Cozy Glow! Will you cut that out already?!”

“Gosh, Mr. Tirek. You don’t have to be such a meanie!”

“How can I not be when I’m trapped in a dungeon for eternity with that blasted singing?!”

“Well, since we’ve got all eternity to spend together, did you wanna do something else to pass the time?”

“No! I just want to stand in my cage, maybe walk around in a circle or two here and there, but other than that, I don’t want to do anything! EVER!”

“…Well, golly! That doesn’t sound very fun!”

“It isn’t! Let’s keep it that way!”

“You know, you sounded a whole lot nicer back when we were pen pals.”

“That’s because I was manipulating you! Don’t you get it?!”

“Isn’t it crazy how the two of us finally got to meet each other after all this time? I mean, no offense, but I was hoping that I’d never have to come here. Maybe after I’d become the empress of friendship, but other than that, neigh way jose!”

“And you being here makes me wish that I had never let those troublesome ponies out in the first place!”

“Wait. That was you? Well, why in the heck would you ruin your own plan, Mr. Tirek?”

“Because I thought that nothing could be worse than somepony singing to me for all of eternity! And stop calling me Mr. Tirek!”

“Looks like that backfired on you, didn’t it? Because now not only did your plan to keep them here forever not work, but you’ve also got me here singing to you forever! I know you don’t like it and all, but what else can I do to keep myself from going bonkers here?”

“YOU’RE ALREADY BONKERS!”

“Mr. Tirek, have you always been this much of a grump?”

“Would you stop—YES! I have! You were a fool to trust me in the first place!”

“What’s your favorite color?”

“Er… Yellow? Darn it! Why do you care what my favorite color is?”

“Really? You kinda struck me as a black or a red kinda guy.”

“Did you ask just to torment me?!”

“Is your favorite fruit bananas? Is your favorite planet the sun?”

“THE SUN ISN’T A PLANET! I knew it! You are just trying to torment me!”

“Say, you know what? If you didn’t like the song I was singing before, maybe we could do it in round form?”

“What’s that? I mean no! No, no, no, no, no!”

“It’s when you come in a little bit after me! Here, you start and I’ll come in to show you what I mean! Ready… go!”

“…”

“…”

“Uh… Mr. Tirek?”

“Will you stop calling me that?!”

“No. Oh! I just got a great idea! Why don’t we try out a different song instead!”

"I’m starting to see why they banished you here.”

“You ready? Baby shark doo doo dodo doo dodo!”

“NO! Anything—ANYTHING BUT THAT SONG AGAIN!”

“Again? But this is the first time that I’ve sung this one. I haven’t sung it since I learned it from professor Pinkie P—Ohhhhh, I see where you might have heard it before.”

“YES! And I’d very much like to forget it forever, if you don’t mind!”

“Theeeeen, do you wanna play a game?”

“No.”

“Do you wanna learn a dance?”

“No.”

“Do you wanna hear a joke?”

“No.”

“Do you wanna leave forever?”

“No—UUUGGGHHH!!!! You were trying to trick me that time!”

“Jeepers, Mr. Tirek! I didn’t know you liked my company that much!”

"…Jeepers… Mister…?”

“I was going for innocence.”

“You can drop the whole innocent act around me. I know what you really are.”

“What do you mean, Mr. Tirek?”

“I mean you’re a heartless monster like me who doesn’t care about anypony but himself.”

“That’s not true! I care about you more than aaaaanypony in the whole world!”

“If that’s true, would you stop calling me Mr. Tirek?”

“What was that? Sorry! Didn’t hear you! Hey, you know what sounds super fun right now?”

“Being banished to a different Tartarus?”

“Hm? No. I was thinking about how we could take over Equestria when we get out of here.”

“Cozy Glow, that idea is… not bad, actually. Heh. You know, this whole time I was beginning to think you were just—”

“Actually, that’s probably not a very good plan after all. I don’t think we’re ever getting out of here. Not by ourselves, anyway. Let’s play a game! It’s called two truths and a lie. All you have to do is say two things that are true, then one thing that’s not true. Then I have to guess which of the things you said is the lie.”

“OK. I’ll go first. Number one, I hate you. Number two, I hate you. Number three, I don’t hate you.”

“…OK, I’ll go first. Number one, I have terrible stage fright. Number two, I absolutely love pineapples. Number three, you’re my bestest pal in the whole world!”

“Ugghhh… Number two. You’ve already mentioned in a letter how much you hate pineapples.”

“You mean you remember what I wrote in my letters? Awwwww!”

“I should have said number three.”

“You know something? I just realized that in your letters that you sent to me, you never told me about yourself.”

“Like what?”

“Like, are you immortal, or will you die eventually?”

“Sweet Celestia I hope so!”

“Aww, cheer up, Mr. Tirek! I’m sure we’ll get out of here some day! I even have somepony on the outside who will get us out of here eventually.”

“Wait. What?! You do?! Who is it?!”

“Heeheehee~! I thought you of all creatures would know that one! After all… How do you think those letters got sent between us without anypony knowing?”

Somewhere in Ponyville…

“Mwahahaha! Those ponies think they won after they sealed Cozy Glow away in Tartarus, but I have a magical artifact that will open up the gate once again and free them from their prison! Mwahaha—OOF! Ugh, where did that mountain come from? Oh, no! The artifact! Please don’t tell me I dropped it! Ohhhh, there’s no way I’ll find it now! *sigh* I guess I’ll go back to making my deliveries…”