The Young Six In: Who's Playing Offense?

by Matthais Unidostres

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sandbar, Slice of Life, Young Six
Length: 2589

Sandbar tries to tell his friends the names of the players on the Fillydelphia Buckball team.

Sandbar is excited because he just won six tickets to the Buckball World Series in Fillydelphia. After informing his friends of this great news, he proceeds to talk about the Fillydelphia Fillies, which includes telling them the names of the players.
That's when things get complicated.
Based on Abbott & Costello's Who's On First? comedy routine

Published 2019-02-19 02:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-02-19 02:20:01 UTC

Who's Playing Offense?

Gallus, Silverstream, Smolder, Yona, and Ocellus were all gathered together in one of the student lounges. They were generally just milling about; reading, conversing and the like. But then, all of a sudden, Sandbar burst into the room wearing a cap and waving a pennant flag with his teeth. The flag had the word "Fillies" written in red on a blue background.

Sandbar dropped the flag and cheered loudly, "Woo-hoo! Go Fillydelphia Fillies! Go Fillies, Go! Go Fillies, Go!"

His friends all stared at him in confusion.

"Why is Sandbar yelling about pony girls?" Yona asked.

Sandbar laughed and said, "No. I'm taking about the Fillydelphia Fillies! The Buckball team!"

Smolder raised an eyebrow and said, "Because. . . ?"

Sandbar grinned and said, "I just won 6 tickets in a contest! 6 tickets for the Buckball World Series in Fillydelphia! Guess who I'm taking!"

The others all expressed their delight at the prospect of seeing the big game, in spite of not being the biggest Buckball fans in the world. They were more excited at the prospect of having a good time together as friends.

"Buckball is exciting! Yona likes it! And Buckball with friends is even better!" Yona said cheerfully.

Silverstream got real close to Sandbar and said, "Oh boy, this is gonna be so exciting! So you'll be rooting for the Fillydelphia team, right? Of course! Hey, can you tell us the names of the players on the team? That way we can cheer them on whenever they catch the ball or kick the ball or score a goal!"

Sandbar laughed at Silverstream's enthusiasm and took a step back for personal space's sake. "Well, okay. No problem. Now, lots of Buckball players have really funny nicknames. Like Horseshoeless Joe, Lippy Zan, Hoof Bonser; funny names like that."

Silverstream giggled at the funny names, and nodded eagerly.

"Yeah," Sandbar said, "Now, on the Fillydelphia Fillies, Hoo is playing offense, Watt is playing defense, Ida No is playing goal assistance-."

"Wait, you don't know?" Silverstream said, looking slightly disappointed as her ears went flat.

Slightly confused by the question, Sandbar replied, "Of course I know."

"But you just said that you didn't know," Silverstream said slowly.

"I never said that," Sandbar said with a shake of his head, "I was just telling you the names."

"You were?" Silverstream asked.

Sandbar nodded and said, "Yeah. Hoo is playing offense, Watt is playing defense, Ida No is playing goal assistance-."

Silverstream smiled kindly and said, "Aww, it's okay if you don't know their names, Sandbar."

"I do so know their names! I'm a fan! I won the contest!" Sandbar protested indignantly.

"Then who's playing offense?" Silverstream asked.

"Yes," Sandbar said with a nod.

"Well, tell me his name," Silverstream urged.

"Hoo," Sandbar said plainly.

"The pony on offense," Silverstream said as she gestured forwards with a claw.

"That's his name," Sandbar stressed.

"Who's name?" Silverstream asked, sounding a little lost.

"Yes. He's the pony playing offense," Sandbar said slowly.

"Then tell me his name," Silverstream pleaded.

"Hoo."

"The pony playing offense!"

"Hoo."

"The pony playing offense!"

"Hoo is playing offense!"

Silverstream stomped her feet in a huff and said, "Why are you asking me for? I'm trying to ask you!"

"And I'm telling you the answer!" Sandbar shouted back.

"No you're not!" Silverstream argued as she shook her head in frustration.

"Hoo is on offense," Sandbar said as clearly as he could.

Silverstream sighed and said, "Wait, Sandbar. Let's start over. Is there a pony playing offense?"

"Of course there is," Sandbar said.

Silverstream smiled and nodded, and she asked tentatively, "Does the pony have a name?"

"Well, yeah!" Sandbar replied.

"Do you know the name of that pony?" Silverstream asked with an air of innocent curiosity.

"Sure!" Sandbar said with a nod of certainty.

"Then tell me the name of the pony playing offense," Silverstream said calmly.

"Hoo."

"The pony playing offense," Silverstream repeated.

"Hoo!"

"The earth pony!" Silverstream shouted as she took the air and hovered over Sandbar.

"That's the pony's name!" Sandbar shouted up at her.

"Then TELL ME! PLEASE!" Silverstream shouted as she hovered there with her arms folded and the beginnings of a scowl on her face.

"Hoo is the earth pony playing offense!" Sandbar shouted in a pleading tone.

"That's what I'm asking you!" Silverstream said as she got close and poked Sandbar in the stomach, "Who's on offense!"

Sandbar leaned forward and said, "Silverstream! I'm trying to tell you! Hoo is on offense!"

"Stop asking me that!" Silverstream cried out as she landed forcefully.

"I'm not asking you! I'm telling you!" Sandbar said angrily.

As Silverstream stared at Sandbar in utter bewilderment, Gallus suddenly burst out laughing as he walked over to the arguing pair. "Oh man, Sandbar! You crack me up! You pranked her good! The look on her face!" the griffon said in between chuckles.

Silverstream pouted angrily in response.

Gallus chuckled a bit more, then he said to Sandbar, "Alright then. Seriously now, what's the name of the pony playing offense?"

Sandbar shook his head and said, "Uh, no Gallus. Watt is playing defense."

Gallus blinked his eyes at Sandbar and said, "Uh, I didn't ask you who's playing defense."

"No! Hoo is playing offense!" Sandbar corrected.

Gallus glared at Sandbar and said, "Okay, can we just stay with the pony playing offense and not jump around like that."

"I didn't jump around," Sandbar protested, "You said his name."

". . .What?" Gallus asked with a deadpanned expression.

Sandbar smiled and nodded eagerly, "Yes! Watt's on defense!"

"Wait, who's playing defense?" Gallus asked in confusion.

Sandbar groaned and said, "No! Hoo is playing offense!"

"Which player do you wanna talk about!?" Gallus shouted irately.

"Any player you want!" Sandbar said, desperate to resolve the misunderstanding that was going on.

Gallus nodded forcefully and said, "Okay! What's the name of the pony playing offense?"

"Watt is playing defense," Sandbar answered.

Gallus scratched the floor with his talons and said, "I didn't ask you who's playing defense!"

"Hoo is playing offense!" Sandbar insisted.

"I don't know!" Gallus shouted as he tossed his forelimbs into the air, flapping his wings in annoyance.

Sandbar facehoofed and said, "No, no, no. She's playing goal assistance. She's the unicorn. We're not talking about her. Look, you're all mixed up. We-."

"STOP!" Gallus shouted as he held out his right talon, "Hold it a minute! Where did the goal assistance unicorn come from?"

"You said her name," Sandbar answered.

"I didn't say her name!" Gallus denied indignantly, "I didn't say any names!"

"But you just did!" Sandbar argued.

"FINE!" Gallus shouted as he rolled his eyes, "Sure. I totally said her name. Mind telling me who I said is playing goal assistance?"

"No, Hoo is playing offense," Sandbar corrected.

"Can't you forget offense for a moment so we can focus on the unicorn?" Gallus asked impatiently.

"But you said his name," Sandbar said in distress.

"What's the unicorn's name!?" Gallus demanded.

"Watt is playing defense!"

"I didn't ask you who's playing defense!" Gallus said as he glared fiercely at Sandbar.

"Hoo is playing offense!"

"I don't know!"

"She's the unicorn!"

"And here we are again!" Gallus groaned.

"Out of the way," Smolder said as he pushed Gallus aside and stood across from Sandbar. She looked the pony straight in the eye and said, "Alright, Sandbar. Do you know who the coach is?"

Sandbar nodded slowly and said, "Yeah. . . I know his name."

"Smolder, what are you doing?" Gallus asked as he gave the dragon an odd look.

Smolder shrugged and said, "I figured switching things up might fix whatever's wrong with Sandbar's brain right now."

"There's nothing wrong with my brain!" Sandbar said in response to Smolder's remark.

"Alright, tell us the coach's name. You can do it, Sandbar," Smolder coaxed in an only semi-mocking tone.

Sandbar frowned and said, "Wy."

Smolder frowned back and said, "I already explained the reason. I'm trying to jar your brain into working."

"My brain works just fine," Sandbar shot back bitterly.

"Then tell me the coach's name," Smolder demanded.

"Wy!" Sandbar shouted.

"Because-!" Smolder began loudly, but was immediately cut off by Sandbar.

"Bee Caws!? That's the assistant coach! How did you know that?!" Sandbar said in amazement.

Smolder gaped at Sandbar for a moment, then she clenched her fists and said, "Who's the assistant coach?!"

"No, Hoo is play-."

Smolder brought her right fist back threateningly and said fiercely, "Don't you dare say 'who's playing offense?'!"

Sandbar backed up nervously. "What do you want me to do?" he pleaded.

"Just answer me! What's the name of the coach?" Smolder said as she slapped her right claw into her left palm for emphasis.

"I'm sorry, but you're wrong! Watt is playing defense!"

Smolder pointed at Sandbar and shouted, "I didn't ask you that!" She then put her claws on her chest and said, "So stop asking me that! I don't know!"

"She's the-."

"Unicorn!" Yona chimed in suddenly.

Everyone turned to look at the yak, who had been sitting quietly with Ocellus on the sidelines up to this point. Yona seemed invested in tis heated debate, while Ocellus was simply sitting in deep thought as she observed her other four friends.

Smolder turned back to Sandbar and said, "Alright, look. How about this. Do you know who the trainer is?"

"Yeah," Sandbar said nervously, not sure if he should even try to answer any more questions.

"Tell me his name," Smolder said forebodingly.

"Tom Arrow," Sandbar answered.

Smolder turned her back on Sandbar and stood with her arms folded. "Oh, I see how it is. You don't wanna tell us anything today, you wanna make us wait. How very friendly of you, Sandbar."

"Wait, wait! What are you talking about? I'll tell you! I've been telling you!" Sandbar said in desperation.

Smolder didn't turn around, but she said, "Fine. Then tell me the name of the trainer."

"Tom Arrow!" Sandbar answered.

Smolder rounded on Sandbar and said, "Okay, this is ridiculous! Why can't you tell me right now?! Why do I have to wait until tomorrow for?"

"I'm trying to tell you right now! You're not listening!" Sandbar protested.

"Then tell me today!" Smolder shouted.

"Two Daze is the manager, not the trainer," Sandbar corrected.

Smolder rubbed her forehead and growled. "Grrrr! If you would only tell us who is playing offense-."

"For the last time, Watt is playing offense!" Sandbar shouted to the ceiling as he stomped his hooves.

"I don't know!" Smolder shouted back.

"Unicorn!" shouted both Yona, Gallus, and Sandbar at the same time.

There was silence, and then Gallus shrugged and said, "Look, I don't really get it, but a pattern's a pattern, right?"

"Yona settle this once and for all," the yak said with certainty, and she stepped forward, and Smolder stepped out of her way. Yona looked to Sandbar and said, "Yona wants to ask, if the earth pony on other team bucks ball, but then Pegasus on defense stops ball, Pegasus has to throw ball to who?"

Sandbar smiled with relief and said, "There! Finally! One of you guys has finally said something right!"

Yona blinked her eyes, and then shouted, "But Yona doesn't know what Yona's talking about!"

Sandbar was confused by this, and he said, "But what you said is right! That's what the Pegasus does!"

Yona frowned and said, "But if Pegasus throws ball to Earth Pony on offense, who gets ball?"

"Precisely!" Sandbar replied with a smile.

Yona tilted her head in confusion, and she asked, "Who gets ball?"

"Precisely," Sandbar said with an affirmative nod.

Yona smiled widely and said, "Yak got it! Yak knows name of Earth Pony!"

Smolder stared at Yona and said, "Wait, what?"

"Yona will explain," the yak said cheerfully, "When Pegasus stops ball, Pegasus throws ball to Precisely-."

"No, no!" Sandbar said urgently, waving his hoof at Yona.

"No?" Yona echoed, looking rather crestfallen at this.

"He throws the ball to the Earth Pony on offense," Sandbar explained.

"Who gets ball?" Yona asked.

"Precisely," Sandbar said, smiling again.

Yona was all smiled again, and she said, "Yes! Yona still knows name! Pegasus throws ball to Precisely, then Precisely bucks ball to-."

"No!" Sandbar shouted, "That's not it! Yona, listen, he throws the ball to the Earth Pony, and Hoo gets it!"

"Precisely!" Yona answered.

"Yes," Sandbar said with a nod.

"That's what Yona said!" Yona insisted.

"No you didn't!" Sandbar argued.

"Yona said ball is thrown to Earth Pony, who gets ball?"

"Precisely!"

"Now Yona is asking, who is Earth Pony, Precisely?"

"Yes!"

"Same as Sandbar! Precisely gets ball!"

"No!"

Yona face twitched with rage, and she said, "Certain Earth Pony is gonna get it."

"Stop everything!" Ocellus said as she walked up to Sandbar, "Now, will you please describe the Earth Pony for us, Sandbar?"

Sandbar shrugged and said, "Well, he's tall, and on the thin side. He has a shaggy black mane, a wavy black tail, and a tan coat. He has blue eyes, and his Cutie Mark is a silver horseshoe with a red question mark inside it."

Ocellus nodded, and with a flash of Changeling magic, she turned into the pony Sandbar had described.

Sandbar was impressed, and he said, "Wow, that's really good. You look just like him!"

Ocellus, staying in her disguise, smiled an said, "Great! So, what's my name?"

"Hoo."

"The pony that I'm disguised as," Ocellus explained.

"Hoo."

"The pony that I'm disguised as," Ocellus repeated.

"Hoo!"

Ocellus huffed and said, "I'm right in front of you! What's the name of the pony I'm disguised as?"

Sandbar shook his head and said, "No! Watt is the name of Pegasus playing defense!"

Ocellus stomped her hooves in frustration and shouted, "I'm not a Pegasus! I'm an Earth Pony!"

"Yona thought Ocellus was Changeling?" the yak said innocently.

"I am a Changeling!" Ocellus said huffily.

"But Ocellus just said-," Yona began, but was interrupted by Smolder.

"Ocellus is disguised as 'what's-his-name'!" the dragon said impatiently.

"Hoo is his name!" Sandbar corrected.

"I don't know!" Smolder replied.

"Unicorn!" Yona and Sandbar both shouted out quickly.

Ocellus groaned and said, "Sandbar, please, just tell me my name!"

"Uh, Ocellus?" Sandbar said in confusion.

"No! The Earth Pony I'm disguised as!"

"Hoo!"

"That's what I wanna know!" Ocellus cried out, but then she dropped her disguise and said, "You know what? Forget it. I don't wanna know who is who or what is what. Not today and not tomorrow. Because why? I don't know! She's the unicorn, and I don't care!"

Sandbar blinked and asked, "What did you say?"

"I don't care." Ocellus repeated calmly.

Sandbar's eyes widened, and he said, "Donut Care is the scorekeeper!"

Everyone else let out tremendous groans and fell to the floor.

"What? What did I say?" Sandbar asked the room at large in complete bewilderment.

The six students looked over a newspaper clipping that listed all of the members and staff of the Fillydelphia Fillies. It was an eye opening experience for all of them.

"Those are the weirdest names I have ever seen," Smolder said with wide eyes.

Ocellus blushed a bit and said, "Um, sorry things got a little crazy back there, Sandbar."

Sandbar just shrugged and brushed it off. "Eh, no big deal. I understand the confusion."'

Gallus frowned and said, "What were their parents thinking when they named them?"

Sandbar grinned and said, "I don't know!"

"UNICORN!" shouted everyone but Sandbar.

The End