Horses are Stupid...

by Lack of Tact

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Random, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Anon, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy
Length: 1609

Gullible creatures, these ponies. Anon goes through—not the greatest—lengths just to prove it to them. They don't really appreciate that.

Edited: 4/25/20 (I know.)

Tl;dr: Bridging seasons two to four, basically. With Anon.
. . . . .

You are Anon, the sole human of Equestria. You would say Ponyville, but you haven't been there in some time. However, that all changes one day, when you randomly decide to visit home. Upon your arrival, you expect fanfare and confetti, maybe a fuckin' cake or two or something! Sadly, you get nothing, you lose. Good day sir, not even so much as a welcome back.

You'd say you're hurt and that you care, but you'd much rather spend your time proving how stupid they are for not caring.

This goes about as well as you'd expect.

.....

An accidental self-reflection with higher doses of retardation than cocaine gum. Congrats, I wrote this for you.

Not much else to say other than that really, well, other than

:twilightsmile: Enjoy! :twilightsmile:

Published 2018-12-06 07:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-12-06 07:50:01 UTC

... But so am You

"Ahh..." You sigh out as you step off of the train, taking in your surroundings. It's been a while since you've been, er... home? You don't know what to call Ponyville really, but that word seems the most fitting to you

You think, at least.

Slowly, your lips meet together, pursing, as you notice none of the horses you'd called ~~friends~~ close acquaintances had shown for your return. "Eh, figures." Not like they gave a shit about you anyway, you were an ass way back when, still are in a way, just less so.

Maybe you can show them how much you've changed when you see them again? Doesn't matter, either way. A hoof touches your backside and you blanch somewhat at the contact. Turning around, an alabaster flying-girl-horse looks at you impatiently. "Oi, reffo, you just happen to be in the way, yeah?" She says, nudging past you with a roll of her eyes. Her ass-tat depicts a spilled bottle of whiskey, but you don't notice that. Your brain—me—was too busy narrating.

Oh, right.

You're still standing on the platform directly in front of the door you stepped out of.

Whoops, you could've planned that better.

You take a few more steps forwards as the tide of horses you backed up leaves the train, all the while keeping your eyes on the flappy horse. The girl keeps on walking, barely paying any attention to the other equines at the station in a manner most would consider rude. Of course, you're only thinking this because that's what most think of you. Or, thought of you, at least. You shrug. Must be on her period or something, you surmise with a smack of your lips. You blink. Can horses even have periods? Equiriods? Bah, you shake your head before turning towards the other end of the station. "That can wait—Firefly can answer that later." For now, time to make yourself known.

Again.

Wonder if they thought I died or something? You don't want to think of the answer to that.

. . . . .

Approaching the all-too-familiar book-tree, you pause midstep. What if these assholes don't like you anymore? What if they actually did think you were R.I.P.? What if... what if they'd forgotten all about you? Sure, you were a dick, but you'd like to think the times you all shared were memorable. Like that one time with Flutterbutters secretly smoking whead behind her friends' backs. Oh! There was that other time when Firefly turned you into a horse and you'd lost your voice—albeit in a really fucking annoying way. Hell yeah. Now that we're on memory lane, who could forget that one Halloween with, er... that, uh... that white horse... shit. What was her name?

Um. Yeah.

Point is, you're unforgettable! There's no way these equines could ever misplace you in their minds! With the fire inside you rebirthing like a phoenix—not literally, as that would be fucking disgusting, having phoenix ashes in you, it rebirthing, death by drowning in stomach acid, and continuing that cycle.

Shit, did you ever eat a phoen—nooope, no, don't think of that now, keep up with your refound determination. You take in a deep breath and move forward once more, straight toward's Firefly's and Scrote's home!

. . . . .

With a thrust of your right leg, you kick open the door to the book-place, screeching at the top of your lungs. "WHAT'S UP, FUCKERS." You likely burst an eardrum, but that doesn't phase you in the least. You're just proud to announce your presence to your closest acquaintance, Firefly Windowsill. It doesn't take long, just like you'd expect, and you see her respond in kind from behind a counter, in a harsh but loving whisper.

"Anon!" Ah, here it comes, the heartwarming welcome, the sorrowful embrace, the long, hot, sweaty, bestiality you've been longing for. "Gah," she grimaces, shaking her head, "don't shout in the damn library, there's guests, you dolt." Or... not? What? Where's all of the above? Where's the closeness you'd shared? Where's Scrote? "For the love of fucking Celestia... it's Spike, for the last time, stop referring to him as male's genitalia and secondly, not in your sick dreams, you freak." Ah, right, forgot Star Ass could read your mind now.

Fucking rainbow lasers.

Purp Nurps backs up from the checkout counter and trots over to you, a low-lid glare aiming entirely at your being.

You feel as if you're being judged for some reason. "Firefly? Didn't ya miss me?" You ponder aloud, opening your arms in wait of a hug or an embrace.

Shit, even a punch in the chest would make you feel better.

She raises a brow, her face still contorted in a scowl. "Miss you? Where'd you go, the bathroom?" Oof. Well, there goes whatever pride you had left. You shake your head. Didn't she know you were gone for what felt like ever? Didn't she notice you weren't living under her bed anymore? What is she, stupid? Oh, wait, duh. Of course she is. She's the book smarticles one, not that social smarticles horse. What was her name? Pretty sure it started with an 'R' or something. Redundant?

"First off, bullshit, I interact with more ponies in a day than you have your entire life, secondly, you were gone for a mont-" a really, really long time, now that you think about it. What was it, almost a few years? No wonder why her voice is so much more mascu-,"-if you finish that thought, I will cut you, and, dumbass, her name is Rar-,"-line. Did her shoulders get broader too or did she always have wings? You shrug, not really wanting to think about it. "You say somethin', Star Ass?" She lets out a groan and raises a hoof to the bridge of her muzzle. You smack your lips, waiting for a response.

"Firefly. Star Ass. Other various annoying nicknames. Seriously, just fucking pick one and stick with it; a pony can't just have multiple names, you know." But they can have two? That makes no fucking sense.

Nah, you call bullshit.

What was that horse's names? Tampon and Fuzzyballs Hairychest? You read about her in a newspaper, something about deserting her post or whatever. If she can have two names, Firefly can have three. Bam, issue resolved. She groans again. "Nevermind, not like you're even paying attention. You're tactless-"

"Kek." You snortle and a grin breaks out on your face. Firefly raises the same eyebrow again. Do horses have eyebrows? You never really paid attention to that little detail, did you. Huh. We'll figure that one out later.

Firefly lets out a low sigh. "What. What's so funny."

"No, nothin'. Just a thought." One she can't hear, haha.

She gives you a pointed glare, "fine. As I was saying, you have the most lack of tact-" she ignores your second, under your breath 'kek'"-I've seen in a pony, ever." She raises a hoof and begins counting off. Not like she can count that high, she's stupid. She has, like, one hoof for each leg. So. Yeah. The most she can count off is four.

Does she have a fifth hoof—don't answer that.

"You never pay attention to what anypony is saying. You give everypony you meet unoriginal nicknames, same with locations, mind you. Everything you say just has to be a joke, most of which—scratch that, all of which aren't even funny. You're a mess. The reason why I didn't and don't care that you were gone is that it was peaceful! Nopony had to deal with your shit while you were off doing fuck-all elsewhere and that was just fantastic! Time of my life! The fact you came back at all, that's what made me realize I'd rather have you gone than here all the damn time, you freeloading sack of-

"Firefly," you hiss out, stopping her midway of whatever she was going on a tangent about. "We're in a library, you have to keep your voice down." She blinks up at you and her eyelids lower even further. A low sound begins to emanate from her, soon which you decipher is a growl.

Maybe she's hungry or something? Foodstuffs would definitely help stop that noise. Firefly is so forgetful and stupid, she forgot to eat. Maybe I could make her pancakes? You wonder to yourself and then smile. See, you did change for the better. You're much more thoughtful of other creatures nowadays; when way back when, you'd never even thought of it.

Okay, maybe to save the world, but that's a ~~one~~ two time gig.

Your eyes float down to the unihorse with a side of wings combo to find one of her eyes twitching. Is she about to have a seizure? Jesus, does she not get this shit checked out? Fucking moron, amiright? You lower a hand to pat the top of her head and she snaps, nearly biting at your outstretched digits. She snarls loudly.

"You. Have. Five. Fucking. Seconds."

"'till what?"

"Until I spay you alive and make you the sole first and last human of Equestria."

"Don't you mean flay?"

"Not with what I have in mind; by the way."

"Yeesh."

"It's been five."

"Well, shit"

"You forgot the period."

"Nope, you're definitely on it."

Author's Note

Okay, what started out as a genuine attempt at a remotely serious Anon story degraded into my usual pile of dung.

I'm proud of myself.

Not really.

Hell yeah though, got around to editing it two years later!

and yes, the updated chapter title is purposely like that.