The Totally Non-Sexual 'Adventure' of Captain Clopper, the Fapnificant

by mojowuq9

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Sex, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Princess Luna, Original Character, Fetish, Comedy, Royal Guard
Length: 2937

#NotClickbait My.....second, totally notasexoffender OC's adventure in his Equestira.......Lol, it's in prison.

#NotClickbait My.....second, totally notasexoffender OC's adventure in his Equestira.......Lol, it's in prison.

Contains: #NoHomo, a Whorse House, Heat Relief, and my current mental state.

THOU HATH BEEN WARNED!!!
Ratings disabled because nobody should like this.

Tell me if you do like this in the comments.

Published 2018-12-09 03:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-12-13 00:51:19 UTC

TheDefinitelyActualPlotAndNotJustACheapExcuseToWriteOCxCelestiaClopWithABitOfHermAndPrincestBecauseILikeThatShit

"When I get out of prison, the first thing I'm going to do will be to ejaculate." One of the five prisoners said, but no others spoke up.

"Huh. Oh shit, an entire hour has passed! I get to finally leave!" As if on que, a guard walked into his sight and unlocked the door. Clopper stepped out of the cell. "Lol bye guys." They all waved bye, then the guard began to lead him down the hallway. He got all of his possessions, which was one of those big fuckin' water jugs they put in those machines, you know, the ones that are one son of a bitch to carry? Yeah, one of those, filled with mare cum. Anyways, he gave her his uniform, which she burned, because it was stained so deeply with....fluids, the dye washed out before the cum did. Oh yeah, the cum didn't wash out. The ashes are white. Anyways, he walkeths outside to see a golden chariot, pegasi guards hooked up to it. Celestia was sitting in the back, wearing a nice dress. She motioned for him to join her, so he did so. He climbed in, and chugged a third of the jug. "Salty." He said in a quick rasp. Celestia got a quick whiff of the fluid, and coughed. "What? Want a sip? It's been tested....I think." Celestia chocked back a bit of vomit, her fur turning whiter as he chugged a fifth. "Eh, who cares. It's not like I can get STIs anyways."

"What?" Celestia asked, legitimately confused. "You're immune?"

"What? No....well, sorta. I have Red & Black alicorn OC magic from my parents.....who were Red & Black alicorn OCs. That magic manifested in infinitely powerful sex magic. I cannot suffer from any.....debuffs that could come from sex. that includes:
-STIs
-Sexual Exhaustion
-Drugs
-Sex-Related Injury
And many more! So, I can literally last forever in bed, as long as I can eat and drink....actually, during sex, I don't need anything to live. So, I can fuck everything on this planet and keep going." Celestia began to drool. "So, are we going to go, or not?" She quickly shook her head to clear her thoughts and ordered the Pegasi to bring them to Canterlot Castle....

LazyWritingTranslationUsedWhenYouDon'tWantToWriteTravelScenesAlsoThisIsTooLongToBeAHashtagLet'sGo

The chariot landed, and they disembarked. Celestia dismissed the pegasi. "Well, lead the way, Princess." After a second, she began to walk forward, Clopper walking beside her. A pony Clopper hated very much (She used teeth) bowed to Celestia. "Yeah, bow to the king, bitch." She gasped, looking up at him. He was staring back at her with a toothy grin.

"Why did you say that?!" Celestia asked Clopper harshly.

"Well, we were 69ing, and she used teeth. ON PURPOSE! She even said so! If I could get injured from sex, my dick would be gone! The fucker deserved it!" Celestia lowered her head. "Oh, but I gave her a Red Dragon." Celestia looked at him questioningly. They were, by now, at the wing where her quarters were located. "Ahh, you don't know what that is....well, when you cum, and it starts coming out her nose, you punch her there, breaking her nose and causing it to bleed. The blood will mix with the cum. That is a 'Red Dragon'. She didn't charge me because the Whorehouse has an 'Eye for an Eye' rule. you can do to them what they do to you, or you can do something of less or equivalent value. Yes, I was fine, but, she would've bitten my dick off." Celestia sighed, then spoke up nervously.

"Uhhh, before we do this, can you promise me not to tell anyone I'm doing this? Please?" She finished with a whisper while Clopper just laughed.

"HeheheheAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I do that unless they ask me to! It's one of the important rules of the Whorehouse! We call it 'Customer Confidentiality'. We don't want nobody to be ashamed of having sex. In fact, we also don't ask questions. Did you know 5 sisters came in and wanted me to cum onto their eyeballs while they Penta-Scissored?" He took a sip as Celestia tried not to vomit. "I won't be revealing the names of these ponies, nor their appearances. company rules." She was successful, but groaned at the taste. "Don't worry, one stallion wanted me to vomit into his mouth then make out with him while whipping his dick, vomiting isn't the weirdest thing I've done. That was wh-"

"Okay! *Heave* I get it. Please don't say more." Celestia pleaded. Clopper shrugged, then chugged another fifth. His eyes lit up like he remembered something.

"Oh yeah! Mare cum is high on protein! I need to be strong for when they want it to hurt." Celestia shook her head quickly, then stopped, opening the door to her room. Clopper stepped in to see Luna attempting to put on a set of sun-themed reigns. "Damn, that's kinky." Luna shrieked in surprise, ripping off the reigns and tossing them into a chest. She was wide-eyed, blushing, and quickly glancing between the pair. "Huh, Luna's having sexual thoughts about you, Celestia." He raised a foreleg, staring at it as if something should be there. "Eh, I got time, Luna can join us." Celestia exploded into a blush as Luna, lost in a trance, shut the door and placed a sound barrier on the room. Clopper had also put his leg back down. "So, how about we get started? I have to go get working at the Whorehouse today, and I don't want to be standing here forever while Luna is soaked like a hoofer on Saturday." Luna stared at him.

"Miss-Uh, sister, who is this stallion, and why is he here?" Celestia began to fidget, a cute blush covering her white face.

"Well, he's uhh, here for....heat relief." Clopper nodded.

"....He won't tell a soul about what is about to happen, right?" Clopper chuckled.

"It's apart of my job. I can't say anything unless you tell me to." Luna nodded, then pounced Celestia, using her magic to toss the mare onto the bed. Celestia yelped from the toss, and made a cute off upon the impact. Luna and Clopper glanced at each other, nodded, then High-Hoofed, Clopper pulling on a lucho libre mask. "Tag team." they both said simultaneously. Luna and Clopper galloped, reaching the bed before Celestia had a chance to react. Luna began to make out with her sister, and Celestia began to slowly return it as Clopper pressed a hoof between her wings, rubbing a bit, causing Celestia to moan. After 5 seconds, Clopper glanced between Celestia's legs. "What's this?" He said, carefully picking up Celestia semi-erect dick. "Huh, a Herm. I've fucked one before. She wanted 'Cookies & Cream'." Clopper began to rub it softly, causing Celestia to moan harder and clench her eyes shut in pleasure. It quickly became fully erect, and it was 19 inches. "Huh. I'm an inch longer. Oh well, let's do this! #NoHomo, just to be safe." He lied beside Celestia, facing towards her. He grabbed her flank, and began to grind his dick along hers. She moaned harder, and screamed a bit as Luna penatrated her with her own 17-inch cock. She came instantly, spraying mare cum all over Luna's nethers and spraying jizz all over Clopper's belly, chest, and lap like a Nieighgra Falls of sticky seed. Luna pulled away from her face, and Celestia's head dropped to the side. Clopper guided her head, and she began to lick him clean, slurping up her own spunk in delight. After she was done, Clopper kissed her, and when he pulled away, her tongue was hanging out of her slightly open mouth, the mare panting lightly. "Holy shit, you spray hard. I would be impressed if it wasn't for the fact that one of my bursts knocked a tin can over at 40 meters." Luna gasped in arousal and surprise. Clopper turned to see her paused while attempting to fasten the reigns onto herself.

(#TextWallBreak)

During this, Clopper cast a spell that would prevent anybody from getting pregnant. He walked to behind Luna, and she responded by presenting herself, lying her pretty head upon the bed, her flank sky high and her sparkling tail lifted, revealing dripping lips that begged to be filled with hot cream. Clopper mounted her suddenly, causing her to whinny. Celestia had recovered, and she was hard again, her shaft clean from licking the cum off. She was currently stroking it while watching them. Clopper chuckled and motioned with his hooves for Celestia to sit in front of Luna. She did so, and she spread her legs, causing Luna to shudder at the size of her member. "Suck it, slut." Clopper commanded, and Luna whimpered, reaching with her neck, sliding Celesita's cock into her muzzle. Clopper bucked, slamming in 2/3 of his dick into Luna.

After that, he quickly began rutting her hard, slamming in and out inponily fast. Luna came three times, moaning the wole way but especially hard every time an orgasm rocked her dark blue body. After 5 minutes, Clopper came. Luna screamed in delight as a 15-second long shot of cum shot into Luna like a cannon ,instantly penetrating her cervix and filling her womb. Her throat was still full of Celestia's solar dick, cum coating the inside of her throat. Shot after shot powered into Luna, and she collapsed halfway through. The streams suddenly stopped, and Clopper pulled out. He rolled Luna to the side, discarding her like a mere toy which aroused her greatly. He flipped Celestia, and rammed her marehood, penetrating deep. She came a 5th time, and Clopper began jacking her off through it, Celestia basking in the pure pleasure of yet another orgasm. After it was done, Clopper kept going, pounding away at the hyper-sensitive mare. After another five minutes, he came, causing Celestia's mind to go blank. He fired long, voluminous shot, after shot, after shot, of jizz directly into Celestia's wet snatch. After what seemed like an eternity, he pulled out and stood up, stretching a bit. "Wow, that was fun. Okay, I'll see you whenever, I should go." He left, walking out the door whilst Celestia and Luna smiled fondly. they loved it, and they would be inviting him again soon...

"Good afternoon, Princess! How're you do-" Twilight froze as she saw the scene. Celestia was on her side, cum leaking out of her damp slit and Luna looking blissfully into her sister's eyes, the dark mare covered in cum. "......."

Author's Note

How did I do? Please tell me in the comments how good or totally shitty my first attempt at clop was.

Also, you can (If you PM me about it first.) use Captain Clopper in one of your stories!

Play Dwarf Fortress.

The DefinitelyAnAdventureAndNotJustMyProbablyShittyAttemptAtClopWhereMyOCDicksMaresAndOneStallionPrisonerDueToSoapDroppage

The soap clattered to the shower stall floor. The stallion who had accidentally dropped it glanced behind him, then bent his forelegs, using his mouth to grab the soap, which tasted disgusting. As soon as his teeth clamped down upon the bar, somepony mounted him, their fur sliding arousingly over his own. Their forelegs clamped around his chest, causing him to shiver slightly. He whispered into his ear. "Oh, liking this, are we?" He shook his head, but shivered yet again when something thick prodded his tailhole, he even moaned a little. "Ooooh, I think you are~" He shivered, the soft voice whispering huskily into his ear. The pony, Captain Clopper, a tan unicorn with a random upward-spiked hairstyle. His mane was white at the roots, gradually becoming black at the ends. His cutie mark is a tan hoof holding a censor bar. He shouted "HADOUKEN!!!" as he shoved half his 20-inch breeding spear into the stallion, causing him to scream. "Shhh...." Clopper began pumping his hips, driving his Shaft of Steel in and out. After a minute, he came. Shot upon shot of sticky cream fired into the stallion below Clopper, who sighed in relief at his release. He pulled out, hopping off the stallion. "Well, that was fun. See ya later." Clopper patted him on the back just as a mare guard walked in.

"Captain Clopper, you have been requested to meet with Princess Celestia herself. Come with me now." Clopper nodded at the guard, and walked over to her. She turned around and began to walk. She was wearing the usual golden armor, but, rather then a spear, a baton was secured at her side. Captain Clopper began to follow her, singing a little song that disturbed her greatly:

Little child, come with me to my vannn...
I'll take you to seeeee Pe-ter Paaannnn,
flying...up in the sky,
then I'll take you somewhere where you'll realize whyyyyyyyy.....
Ne-ver, trust, strangers!
They could be a danger!
If you've no ideeea who they are;
Don't follow them, or you could never, see, the light of day again!
And if you man-age to get aw-ayyyyyyy....
the scars on your mind will haunt you forever more,
and if you stayyyyyyy....
They'll turn you into their whore!
And af-ter, all, of this You'll realize whyyyyyyyy.....
Ne-ver, trust, strangers!
They could be a danger!
If you've no ideeea who they are;
Don't follow them, or you could never, see, the light of day again!

He was interrupted by the guard telling him they were there. He stood in front of the heavy-AF steel door. The guard inserted a key into a slot beside the door and twisted it, causing the door to click, and slowly swing open. A steel table with rounded edges greeted them, with two steel chairs on either side of the table. The room was grey stone brick, moss growing in the corners. Celestia was in the far chair, staring at him with a raised eyebrow. He walked forward and sat down in the closest chair. After he got a comfortable as possible, Celestia spoke up. "Good afternoon, Captain Clopper." He leaned back, relaxing in the chair. His dick was standing to attention, still stained white.

"Hey Celestia. Wazzup? Am I getting out and off today, or are you just here to see this~?" He ended the comment with gliding his hooves down the sides of his body, a shit-eating grin on his face. Celestia merely huffed, rolling her pretty pink eyes.

"Yes, you are getting out of prison today, in an hour, in fact. I just wanted to ask you what you're going to do whence you leave?" Clopper leaned forward over the table, resting his head on his forelegs.

"Well, I was going to go back to my job at the Whorsestable, but before that, I was going to relieve your heat." Celestia's eyes widened in surprise. "Yes, I know about your estrus cycle. So, what do you say, Celestia?" She began to sweat, finding herself staring directly at his cum-coated pole. After a minute, she caved.

"F-fine...." He clapped his hooves together.

"Great! Meet me outside when I leave." Celestia got up, and left the room. The guard walked in and began to lead Clopper back into his cell. On the way, he began to sing, and all the prisoners in their cells joined in.

.............................
You don't look liiiiiike,
you belong here.
Did you pinch yourself to seeeeeee,
if you'd waaaaaaaaaake up from a nightmare?
Or could you you still be asleeeeeeep?

I tell myself it's all a dream......
And monsters aren't all they seem......

You took a fall into the Maw where hunger's al-ways pea-king.
All we got for cargo are the meats for feast-ing.
Lots of chomping jaws and rotten teeth for ea-ting.
Button up your coat the submarine is lea-king.

The song suddenly stopped as the guard opened Clopper's cell door. Clopper walked in and sat down on his bed. "You'll be able to leave with your brother in an hour."

"Understood, officer." The guard sighed and left, closing and locking the door behind her. Clopper walked to the cell door. "Who wants to play Words Against Ponies?" A bunch of prisoners shrugged and walked to the bars. "I'll go first." Clopper paused for a second in thought. "First rule of prison: Never _____" In the course of a minute, the five prisoners who were playing raised a hoof in the air. "Okay, tell me."
"First rule of prison: Never stick your dick between the bars."
"First rule of prison: Never say that you're gay."
"First rule of prison: Don't cum on a guard."
"First rule of prison: Never scream 'Yes daddy!' in pleasure."
"First rule of prison: Never say 'Celestia' while masturbating."
Captain Clopper thought about the answers for a minute. "'Celestia' while masturbating wins." The other four groaned. "Okay, his turn." The prisoner thought for a minute......

"When I get out of prison, the first thing I'm going to do will be _____"

Author's Note

The commenters get to answer the last line. simply insert what you are going to do in place of the _____.
I'm only doing this two-chapter sex-tag heavy story because I'll need clop writing skills for later. Tell me what I did wrong.

Play Dwarf Fortress.

Bonus Bullshit (Part 1, but Part 2 because I feel like it.)

"Hello, unlucky viewers!" Clopper's dialogue will be color=#2caf26 for this. "Well, this is a quick chapter to say a simple thing. You can use me in your fic, as long as you notify Swagdaddy_69--Mojowuq9 first.