Interview Code #001008900706-A
[Recording Start. Voices of agents have been scrubbed from recording automatically.]
Best I can remember, it was raining.
Yeah, that sounds right. Raining. That’s why she asked to come inside in the first place, after all. Because it was raining.
I mean, it’s kinda funny. The expression, “raining cats and dogs.” It’s something she said, when she asked to come in. What does that even really mean?
What’s that again?
Ah. From the beginning. Well, I was born at a very young age-
Hey, hey, no need to get out the taser, I’m just messing with you. As I said before, it was raining, real hard. Sounded like fifteen gigantic millipedes were clog hopping on my roof. I was on my computer, talking with some friends. Not real talking, you know? So I was on the computer, and I heard a knock at the door.
It was a pretty loud knock- it had to be, ‘cuz of the loud rain. Nobody I know is crazy enough to be outside in weather like that, and I doubted that it was the girl scouts with cookies, so I got up and went to the door so I could look through the peephole.
I saw nobody. Just my street in the dark, and a ton of rain.
Yeah, it was last night.
So I close the little peephole cover and start to head back to my computer, but there’s another knock, louder than before.
So, I go back to the door, look out the peephole and again, there’s nothing. But this time the knock comes again, and since I can’t see nothing, I open the door.
And right outside my door is this cute little three-foot black horse thing. Huge eyes. I kinda stare at it for a second, and it just stares back at me and then we both speak at the same time.
...Yeah she can talk.
Yeah, I’m sure. Trust me on this.
So we both spoke at the same time.
I said “You’re kidding, right?” and she said “It’s raining cats and dogs out here. Will you let me come in until the rain stops?” although she took longer to say her thing so I got to hear the end of it. Then we both said “What?” at the same time. I was gonna go for a third time but she spoke before I was ready.
“I said it’s raining cats and dogs out here. That’s a phrase on your world, right?”
I stared for another second, drowning in a sea of adorable, before I was able to-
Oh, what she looked like? Well, that doesn’t really matter. You see-
You insist? W-well okay. She was all black, with wings like a pegasus and a horn like a unicorn. She had a.... do horses have shoulders? Okay, then she had a mane down to her back, all a lighter dark grey. Can I continue now?
Good. So, I stared for another second, drowning in a sea of adorable, before I was able to respond. “Yes?”
“Good.” she said, her eyes drilling in to me. Not literally. She looked kind of angry, but I found it hard to take her seriously because she was so darn cute. “Can I come in and dry off? Please?” She said the last part through gritted teeth.
Yeah I let her in! No, of course she didn’t mention anything about the eggs. If I was gonna go lay eggs in somebody’s house, I sure as heck wouldn’t ask permission.
So, I told her “Yeah,” and stepped aside, and she walked in. That’s a thing, right? Horses and walking?
Yeah, I know it doesn’t really matter but it bothers me.
Fine, fine, I’ll continue. So, ah, she came in, and I closed the door. Honestly, I was still trying to process what exactly was happening, so I wasn’t really paying attention when she asked me a question.
I did notice when she poked me in the leg with her horn.
“I asked you a question, human. Now, might I have a towel to dry off?” I could tell she was trying really hard to sound nice, but was really annoyed. Probably at me.
So, I said “Sure,” and headed to the bathroom to grab her a towel. I was out of the room for like thirty seconds, and I come back in with two towels and she’s just gone.
No, no. The eggs weren’t all over the place yet. That came later. No, she was just in the kitchen, standing in front of the closed fridge. When I came in she turned to me and said “Thank you for the towel, human.” And then she pulled the towels out of my hands with her mind! I mean like what? Like, magic is real, is what I mean.
I’ve been wondering, are you guys the FBI? No? CIA?
...What does NYB stand for?
Oh, we got a regular jokester here. None of Your Business. Yeah, yeah, I’ll get back to what happened.
So, she pulls the towels out of my hands and then floats them over to herself and then she starts drying off. By then I finally had enough nerve to ask her a question.
“So, uh, what’s your name, hotstuff?”
No, I didn’t say that. Just kidding.
Look, I already tried to tell you that you’re not gonna find her. She’s not what she looks like.
Okay, so what I did ask was “What’s your name?” and she told me it was Lyssy. Honestly, she looked more like a Crystal than a Lyssy, but I don’t name ‘em. So then I asked “So, what are you?” and she stopped drying herself off and looked me dead in the eyes and said “A pony.” and I told her “Yeah no. You’re no pony.” And she just looked at me, kinda like that dude behind the glass is looking at me- all annoyed like and such.
I get that look a lot.
“You look nothing like a pony.” I told her, and then I brought up a google image search of “pony” and I got nothing that looked like her. So I showed her.
She kinda didn’t understand at first, so I had to tell her “This is a picture of a pony. See?” and then she walked over and looked at my phone screen. And then she looked back at me and said “That is not a pony.” She looked confused.
“That’s a pony and you are not that. First things, your eyes are too big, and second, uhh, your head is too round.” I said. She just kind of looked at me more, still confused I guess.
See, my guess is that she’s an alien. A cute alien, but an alien nonetheless. It makes sense, right? Don’t know where she got such a weird idea of what a pony looked like, though.
Okay, so this Lyssy thing finishes drying off, right? And then she uses her super-psychic magical powers to dry the towel. I thought that was pretty darn cool, so I told her “That was pretty darn cool.” and she gave me the same look I’m getting from that guy by the door. Yes, you. Look, I’ll get to the eggs when I get to the eggs.
So she floats the towel back over to me and then asks me “Do you have a washroom?”
“Like, a bathroom?” I replied. Because for all I know, an alien washroom is where they birth their babies or something.
Anyways, she nodded and I showed her the downstairs bathroom and she looked pretty amazed by the toilet so I was gonna show her how to flush it but she shooed me out and closed the door. And then there was like five or so minutes of nasty, nasty noises that made it sound like she was exploding... things all over the bathroom. I had to go hide in my room for a bit, because I was really close to spewing my dinner on the floor.
When she was done, I was kinda scared to go look, but when I did, the bathroom was totally clean. Like, cleaner-than-it-was-before-clean. So that was neat.
So after that we just kinda talked.
About what? Human tech. Phones, computers, stuff. She seemed really interested and I was kinda influenced by her weaponizable adorability, so when she asked me something, I’d tell her what I knew about it. So after a few hours of this-
Yeah, I’m sure it was a few hours. I let her in a little before 9, and it was almost midnight when she said she was tired. So, in the spirit of “be nice to the alien “pony,” I gave her my guest room bed and then I went to bed myself.
And when I woke up there were these black eggs all over the place along with green slime.
I’m talking like nasty, smelly green slime, like the kind- wait, are you getting a report? Are those guys at my house?
No, I wanna hear this. Hold it close to the recording microphone. Mind giving me a copy of this whole thing when we’re done?
”...Investigating the southeast room now, large concentrations of eggs and green contaminate.”
...Southeast. That’s the guest room!
”Door was partially sealed, had to use force to enter. Inside the room there are more eggs, and- and a human body. Male. Smith, check his pulse. ...He’s still alive. Face matches that of subject Andrew Johnson, owner of house. Except, he was taken into custody? Base, are you getting all of this?”
Looks like the jig’s up, boys. I’m not Andrew.
”Oh god, it’s changing! Unlock the door! Unlock it!”
I’m not human.
”LET US OUT!”
I’m your worst nightmare, but you can call me... Chrysalis. Queen Chrysalis.
[Recording Terminated without authorization. Incident will be automatically reported to O-5 in three (3) days time.]
Author's Note
I blame Spades Duck.
