Me and my fat ass invades Equestria with minecraft powers

by Boof Man

Rating: mature
Tags: Minecraft, Sex, Suicide / Self Harm, Profanity, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Death, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3243

A gay ass bitch tries to destroy Equestria only to almost die, please spare me death

So me and my fat ass kills my oh so nice parents attempting to murder me while playing that fucking block game only 12 year olds played, my house was so beautiful, it was a shame it was all for naught.

For any ya'll retards who can't tell a shitpost from a legitimate piece of art, this is a shitpost, take absolutely nothing written seriously.

I ran out of tags to use, so please don't tell me to add tags I can't add, it'll make me cry.

Oh and someone kill me before you read, I literally lost every functioning brain cell while making this.

Please don't punish me too hard, I'm just a faggot trying to make pony fiction.

Published 2018-12-08 00:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-12-18 02:07:07 UTC

Do you really need Oxygen to live?

Author's Note

Please don't be so harsh, I'm just your average autist trying to make a living off the suffering of anyone who hates shitposting.

Also, here's some music to keep you plebs occupied as you read my masterpiece.

Do you really need Oxygen to live?

So basically I was playing that fucking block building game that was popular for a few years by mostly twelve year olds with a self diagnosed mental illness. I was building a nice fucking house in creative, because survival mode is for plebians who work, and I certainly don’t fucking work... like a plebian. My house is a grand old building made entirely of oak wood with a nice roof with no wooden overhang, like what those damn “popular” kids do, being popular meant nothing to me. It had two stories, and had a nicely furnished inside where everything is, again, made of oak wood. Nothing better than classic old oak wood, the most beautiful wood in the west, not like the spruce wood, or jungle wood, only a disgusting degenerate would use those.

I spent five hours making this masterpiece of a building, being so nicely rectangular, the blocky windows being placed in random locations, a tear was brought to my eyes, it was so beautiful, nothing could compare. That was when my mom came bursting into the room screaming at the top of her lungs at one o’ clock. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING NOT AT SCHOOL YOU WORTHLESS SHIT!” She screamed with those disgusting lungs, looking like she got fucked by fifty guys.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH, I’M PLAYING MINECRAFT!” I screamed even louder, say, where’s my dad with a belt where I need one? Suddenly I heard loud yelling in the other room, and a loud bang as something hit the wall nearby. There was screaming, and the sounds of a metal belt making contact with bare skin. So he shows up now, about fucking time, I was gonna fuck her up myself soon

I went back to admiring my perfect work of art when my door was flung off it’s hinges, ~~and Thanos came through the doorway like in that movie trailer or something.~~ and a shirtless fat lard with a gray beard came into my room. “WHY THE FUCK DID I HEAR SCREAMING YOU RODANT?!” The beast roared, it was clearly hungry for more. I pulled out my masterfully hidden “Glock 19” with an “AR-15” extended butt stock, a holo-sight, and a “500 round” extended magazine with a flamethrower. Checkmate bitch.

The beast attempts to charge like a mighty bull high on cocaine, but I fire a hundred rounds of my full metal jacket hollow point tracer incendiary bullets into it’s face, and it fucking explodes. There are literally brains everywhere, and I move into the hallway to find my fat ass of a care taker fucking dead. “Oof.” I say in a resounding cry of freedom, as I look at my mighty, beautiful house for the last time, and I turn the gun on my maw.

Pulling the trigger I was met with the Minecraft death sound, and death screen. Pressing respawn, it loaded a world and I fell like in that fucking falling Gibby or whatever the fuck meme from iCarly. I make that Roblox “oof” sound as I hit the ground, and literally crack fifty bones just to immediately stand again. Everything’s a damn forest around me, they’re even normal fucking trees for fuck sake.

I noticed I even had that Minecraft interface The fuck am I supposed to do now? Worthless fucking gun, I wanted to die, not live again. Looking at myself, I had weird fucking blocky arms like in that fucking game for some reason, and nothing about me was even remotely human anymore. Great, how am I supposed to grip things with these worthless block fists? In a fit of rage and confusion I punched a tree and it fucking explodes like I’m one punch man. I then scream like some autistic spawn created by Satan himself, I screamed until my lungs weren’t even giving off carbon dioxide anymore and it wasn’t even fucking audible.

Passing out like some bitch who needs air, I wake up inside a fucking building, fuck this. I become one with the autism, and literally faze through the house’s front door like a god among plebs. I levitate towards the town at breakneck speeds, going at mach 30 literally breaking the sound barrier so fast there wasn’t even sound created. I was met with a cozy looking town, and weird looking horse things, clearly nothing had changed, for I knew not what was normal.

“HELLO DENIZENS OF A GREAT CITY I’VE NEVER SEEN OR HEARD OF UNTIL NOW, BOW DOWN TO MY GREATNESS OR BE DESTROYED BY MISTER CITY DESTRUCTOR 5000000, MY ASSOCIATE IN CRIME!” I boomed like a god that had never heard of puberty, shattering a many windows in the process. Everything had turned to chaos, as everything had turned into a massive blob of screaming colorful horses like it was normal.

I pulled out my super epic “Glock 19’s” flame thrower as I burned literally everything around me, but not kill anyone, no, that wouldn’t be family friendly, now would it? I kept burning random shitty buildings around me, until six horse things stood before me

“You won’t get away with this you generic crazy villain that always seem to pop out of no where!” The purple one yelled at my oh so glorious face, so disgusting, this one shall be destroyed. “HOW DARE YOU INSULT YOUR FUTURE GOD AND KING WHO WILL MAKE YOUR WEAK NATION GREAT AGAIN!” I once again boomed like a prepubescent mouse trying to gain the attention of people around me like an autistic retard.

Something struck my chest which sent me flying into a wall so great and mighty China and Trump would be jealous. I made one final “Oof” of the mystical Roblox death sound as I heard a button get pushed. “That was easy.” A machine said with clearly pre-recorded audio programmed into a machine made to go off at the push of a button. Before I was knocked out, I heard one ask “What is that thing? And why does it look so retarded?” Someone asked with a tomboyish voice. “I don’t know Ranbow.” The purple one said, because I can remember voices you fuck faces reading this.

ded.

THE END, OR IS IT?

What?! You need a brain to live? Hearsay!

Author's Note

I pulled a little sneaky on ya'll, here's another chapter in my series of literal fucking autism, because I'm bored.

Here's some more music to keep you plebs occupied again

What?! You need a brain to live? Hearsay!

So basically, I just woke up in some weird room with a weird alarm clock I can’t turn off, it’s annoying as all fuck. Opening my eyes, I tried bashing the little shit with my fists of epicness, only to find they wouldn’t move. “What the fuck?” I asked myself, wondering why I’d been enslaved like the common European sheep. Looking to my left and right, I found them bound by at least four tightly tied cloth around each arm. How the fuck was I gonna enslave those horse things while I MYSELF was enslaved like someone who couldn’t be trusted, those monsters.

I was honestly still trying to bash whatever thing was beeping in my right ear, because it was annoying as fuck. It agitated me so much I began to scream like a squealing pig that’s about to get turned into some sweet ass bacon. Luckily whatever the fuck was keeping me bound seemed like nothing to me anymore, and I just fazed through it like a b0ss. “I AM FREED YOU WEAKLINGS!” I bellowed at nothing like a fucking autist on coke.

Fazing through the door, I T-posed to assert my dominance on anyone trying to run away; nothing like a floating god T-posing to scare away the colorful horses. I soon trapped two of the cartoon looking abominations in a corner, as I continued to T-pose and scream in their weak little faces. My reign of awesomeness was put to an end when something connected with my square ass head, and I hit a less epic wall that Trump would laugh at.

Once more breaking fifty bones to stand like I never fell, I pulled out my super epic custom built “AR-15” with a chainsaw and shot at absolutely nothing, because the offender had already left. I screamed a mighty fucking scream as I punched my flat ass chest over and over like a dumbass guerrilla in a zoo. I used my super epic powers of pure autism to faze through the many walls that existed within this building, and T-posed a many so they knew not to mess with their god and king.

I was close to the entrance, I could feel it, the feels of many demanding their new ruler to rule them. I could feel excitement rise in my chest as I couldn’t wait to rule my new horse things. Who doesn’t want a weird looking colorful horse to serve them?

Once I left that disgusting building, that might have been a hospital, Heh, horspital... I was met with about fifty ~~cracker~~ white and gray colored horse things with spears like Medieval era plebs. I pulled out my super epic “AR-15” again “YOU REALLY THINK YOUR GAY ASS TOOTHPICKS WILL HURT ME, I’M A LITERAL FUCKING GOD AHAHAHAHAHA!” I laughed like a retard on helium, and continued laughing until a horse so white, it makes the white colonials look black in comparison to that beauty.

“ENOUGH!” The white horse said, booming louder than my gay ass. “I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE, OR WHERE YOU CAME FROM, BUT YOU WILL NEVER HURT MY SUBJECTS!” The thing said with a mastered god voice, do I finally meet someone as powerful as me? HAH, like that could ever happen. “DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN CHALLENGE ME? NOTHING CAN BEAT ME!” I replied like an oblivious child who was just told they’d get candy if they got in the van.

I charged with a mighty, mousy scream as I charged the horse god faster than the Delorean from Back to the Future while passing through time itself. I was met with something hard connecting with my face, or was it the other way around? And I fell on my back a few meters away. Quickly getting back up, I levitated and screamed at the now present shield, charging once again, I hit the seemingly magical object like a moth trying to get burnt by a lamp.

It may have been apparent to me that hitting the shield at such speeds so often may have caused further brain damage. Why should I care? I was only dropped a total of fifty times as a child, and diagnosed with a very severe case of bi-polar disease... whatever that was supposed to mean, I don’t get cold randomly, or do I? Oh fuck, maybe I do and I just don’t know it’s happening!

Striking the shield three more times, I could feel several teeth missing, and hot blood was running down my face. I wonder what else happened to my once beautiful face? “FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!” I screamed so loud time just slowed fucking down, is that how I controlled time? I could see it’s face was bored, like it wasn’t even fucking trying! I’ll show you power like never before!

I hit the shield again, only I heard nothing but a really loud ringing, and I literally couldn’t see anymore. The headache and pain was unbearable, and there was nothing but red in whatever you could call my vision. I felt paralyzed with pain, my anger was boiling over the top, and I couldn’t move. Is this what dying feels like? Because it doesn’t feel so good like people make it out to seem.

If I die, my last words are gonna be “Fuck you white horse, fuck you shield, fuck you life, fuck you shitty bones and brain, fuck you everything else.” I may have muttered out? It was hard to tell, the ringing was gone, but it was hard to tell what anyone was saying, or what was happening.

“Hey princess?” A random ass white guard asked. “Yes generic pony guard name?” She asked bored, like if the thing she “fought” was supposed to be this epic battle that never happened. “What do you think that thing is? And why does it look so retarded?” He asked again not looking away from the seemingly dead body on the ground. “I don’t know generic pony guard, I don’t know.” She replied once again, and flew off to the sun or some shit I don’t know.

THE END (I mean it this time guys)

Or do I?

Disch a dreem? FUCK OFF, ANYTHING IS REAL IF I TRY HARD ENOUGH!

Author's Note

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack biches ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

(Other tags may include a disgusting description of a fat ass cumming, a long schlong at the end, no sex tho, and an anti-semitic joke, so please don't flag my story c:)

Disch a dreem? FUCK OFF, ANYTHING IS REAL IF I TRY HARD ENOUGH!

A bedroom or something idfk

So basically, we go to the room a known fat ass, a creature so obviously overweight and disgusting it cannot have physical social contact with men or women. The disgusting degenerate is playing that despicable game called “Battlefield 5” after EA collapses because of their shitty marketing practices. His wide two inch thicc fingers quickly click random buttons on the keyboard and mouse that are already covered in huge amounts of grease and cheese particles, while getting a five kill streak like a fucking pro.

The degenerate’s soldier dies to a sniper three hundred meters away that has a no gender, a purple mohawk, two prosthetic arms, and has black skin color. The disgusting man’s arms go into the air as he shouts incomprehensible nonsense at a fucking game like a child “YOU FUCKITHG BITHCH I THWILL KILLTH YOU NETHXT TIME!” The hundred pounds of fat on his arms jiggle as they’re waved around aimlessly. He respawns only to be instantly killed by the degenerate again, he screams like a fucking autist and slams his $500 headset on the desk which somehow doesn’t break.

Exiting out of the game like a fucking pussy, he instantly opens his “2TB” large porn folders made up entirely of illegally imported hentai from Japan like a fucking degenerate cuck. His one and half inch long wiener instantly grows hard, and gains a millimeter in length. He digs through his disgusting sweat riddled layers of fat worth hundreds of pounds, and fails to find the tiny thumb sized dong. He once again screams like a mentally disabled piece of shit that the lack of oxygen makes the stupid little shit cum in his disgusting cheese covered shorts.

The lack of oxygen plus the incredible orgasm causes his grease filled organ called a heart to stop as he falls through the floor and destroys the foundation like the one ton fuck he was. The entire planet fucking explodes from the sheer weight of the one degenerate it had to hold up for too long, and all nine hundred trillion souls instantly go to hell, except one. It wasn’t all bad, at least their suffering from existence had just ended, with their fat ass ruler being fucking dead n’ all.

Heaven I guess, idk

The degenerate suddenly appears atop a giant cloud like ground, too bad it wasn’t fluffy like it looked. The disgusting monster falls and would have broken it’s face if it weren’t in Heaven at the moment. The thing’s body had shrunken to a more presentable eight thousand tons, if he’d been hollowed out, he could have been used as a small ship for his fucking navy.

“Georgy Zecowsky!” Someone more mighty than the beast had boomed while T-posing. The thing’s neck shattered as it’s head instantly broke physics to meet the face of it’s creator, it hardly cared, more bones had been broken by merely walking. It was god himself, the father of all, yet not the father of anyone because his biology was in nobody’s blood. “Oh my god it’s god, holy fuck.” The slightly more presentable “creature” muttered loud enough that it may as well had been yelling. “DID YOU JUST MUTTER MY NAME IN VAIN YOU DISGUSTING ANIMAL?!” “God” screamed out like a fellow autist in the autism convention.

“Kein Vater, es tut mir leid.” The thing said out loud in Nazi. “Speak in English you nazi fuck!” God said once more. “No father, I am sorry.” He said again in normal fucking person speak. “You are forgiven, but I have another mission for you son, I’m afraid teddy bears have invaded Equestria and have already tried overthrowing the sun’s throne. You must go there and defeat the bears and learn friendship because that last mission was clearly a fucking mistake.” God explained calmly, no longer sounding like a tyrant to be feared. “Yes my father, but can I-” He didn’t get to finish as god did god shit to him “NOW YOU GO MY SON... NOW.” God boomed while everything shook, and shot red lasers at the slightly less overweight degenerate thing. The thing screamed in pain before turning to ash.

???

The thing was still screaming when it made contact with dirt, it broke physics once again to stand up on it’s now extremely strong and well built legs. He looked around wondering why he was no longer being burnt like a fucking jew in a concentration camp. He looked at himself in awe as he found his new body very interesting, so strong, and mighty, it could take on a million soviet conscripts. Flexing, he simply found his undeserved new fucking body so amazing he got hard. The schlong was longer than a horse dick at two feet in length. He was also over ten feet tall like a fucking giant. Instead of being eight thousand tons of disgusting lard, he was eight hundred pounds of pure fucking muscle and power. He was always gifted to be able to summon anything (except god himself) from nothing, to add more weight to the planet.

Looking at a nearby hill, he saw nothing but tiny multi-colored teddy bears carrying a few thousand ponies probably, or maybe it was just two, he couldn’t count. Spawning an American “T95” tank, instead of entering it, he threw the over hundred ton tracked bunker at the tiny bears crushing them into a puddle of rainbow blood. He then ran at a hundred miles per hour and scooped up the two princesses in his no longer disgusting hands, while smearing rainbow blood everywhere. All of the tiny bears were defeated now.

“Oh my god thank you Luke, my hero!” The white one squeaked, only being two feet tall at best. “My name... IS GEORGY little pony.” I replied like a god among simpletons. The blue one giggled “No you’re not Luke, it’s time to wake up.” And I felt light headed and dizzy, until I fell with everything going black.

(Also a little message by your lovely god author, me, this is not the end, not by a long ~~schlong~~ shot :3)