All the Problems in the World can be Solved with a Barrel
View Online
Berry Hearth's Warming, Everypony!
All the Problems in the World can be Solved with a Barrel
The timberwolf sniffed the air – prey must’ve been somewhere close. He could see hoofsteps in the snow, followed by the trace of a sleigh. Raising his head, he sniffed again.
His ears perked up. Prey was close and it was screaming.
Wooden paws hit the fresh snow when the timberwolf ran between the trees. Ponies were close and he could smell their fear. While the light was dim and the timberwolf could only discern a few colours, the scents painted a vivid picture. After a few minutes of following the trail, the hunter arrived at the clearing and waved his tail at the sight of a sleigh, lying on its side.
The pony pulling the sled was lying down, hopelessly tangled in the harness. It was a cream-coloured mare – one of the few colours the timberwolf could actually see. It was oddly alluring. She was clearly in distress. She kept screaming and shouting, as if she wanted the whole forest to hear her.
The timberwolf bared his fangs; green eyes lit up as he slowly approached the prey. Suddenly, his ears twitched, catching the sound of some spring-loaded contraption going off nearby. He stopped, looking around and at the same time, a net, hidden under a thin layer of snow raised from the ground, trapping him.
The net didn’t stop there; it sped up, flying higher and higher before it hit a barrel full of bricks that, for some unexplained reason, was travelling downwards. The timberwolf had never seen a barrel or bricks before, but the meeting left a lasting impression and quite a few broken twigs.
“Yeah!” Berry Punch jumped from behind the sleigh just as the barrel hit the ground, breaking and scattering bricks around. “We got it!”
Roseluck immediately untangled herself from the harness and stood up. “How are we going to get it down here?”
“Wait for it…” Berry smirked. The empty barrel, lighter than the trapped timberwolf, moved back up. It hit the timberwolf again, knocking him down before he hit the ground, changing into a bundle of sticks, twigs, and branches that slipped out of the net. Berry grabbed an axe, but it wasn’t necessary; the empty barrel fell down, crushing the remains of the timberwolf.
Berry nodded and walked to Roseluck, kissing her forehead. “This may sound weird, but you’re the best timberwolf bait I’ve ever seen.”
“Yeah, that’s weird.” Roseluck chuckled.
“It seemed like you were really scared of it.” Berry put the sleigh back on its skids and walked to the timberwolf. “Okay, let’s pick this up before its friends come to visit.”
“I kinda was…” Roseluck muttered, blushing. “Also, Berry?”
“Yes?” Berry asked.
“I think that if we needed firewood, we could’ve just picked some up…”
“Meh.” Berry rolled her eyes. “Where’s the fun in that?”
“Good news, everypony!” Berry exclaimed, pulling the sleigh in front of Roseluck’s house, where Lily and Daisy were already waiting. It was filled with timber – some of it shaped like fangs, and some of it looking suspiciously similar to staves. Roseluck was sitting on the top of the pile, smiling. “We got enough wood for the whole winter!”
“Nice!” Daisy tilted her head, looking at the particularly suspicious branch. “What tree was that?”
“A big one, with teeth,” Berry replied. “I also got a Hearth’s Warming Tree for you, but that’s just a regular fir.” She chuckled. “So, why don’t we get inside and have a cup of–” She looked at Roseluck. “– tea?”
“I’ll get the poppies,” Lily said.
Roseluck jumped off the pile of wood and blocked Lily’s way. “Who in their right mind makes tea out of poppies?”
“Me,” Lily replied.
“In their right mind,” Roseluck muttered. “I’ll better make tea.”
Soon, Berry could stretch her hooves on the cozy armchair with a cup of tea in front of her. Lily still seemed disappointed that it was a regular tea, but as long as Roseluck was around, her opinion didn’t matter.
Daisy looked at Berry and trembled. She’d always do that before talking to Berry, even though it’d been a while since Berry and Roseluck first met during a self-help group meeting in one of Applejack’s barns. The barn had since burned down, but this didn’t stop Berry and Roseluck from hanging out with each other.
“Speak,” Berry muttered, sipping her tea.
“Umm…” Daisy looked at her hooves. “Fluttershy asked me about those timberwolf traps in the forest.”
“I already told her.” Berry rolled her eyes. “No way someone accidentally gets caught in those. Not with the safety catch on. Also, please. If my grandpa survived getting caught in a trap that misfired on him, then it’s not that lethal.”
Roseluck chuckled. “Must’ve avoided that barrel.”
“Yeah.” Berry sighed. “Shame that in the hospital he sobered up for the first time in eighty years and the shock killed him.”
“Okay, okay,” Daisy said. “What did you put in the tea?” she asked when Lily put the cup in front of her.
“Absolutely nothing,” Lily replied. She sat at the table and took a sip of her own tea.
“Indeed.” Berry looked at her own cup. “I didn’t even get tea, just warm water.”
“Are you okay, Lily?” Roseluck asked.
Berry smirked. “She does seem, more, umm…” She spun her hoof around her ear. “You know what I mean. Crazier than usual.”
Lily froze. “I’m just feeling festive.” She let out a nervous chuckle and looked at Berry. “You know, Hearth’s Warming Eve, fire, songs, shopping…”
“I see,” Berry said. “To think about it, I still need to buy something for Pinchy. Any ideas?”
Roseluck took a sip of her tea. “I can go to Barnyard Bargains with you. Daisy said something about the new Power Ponies anthology.”
“I– I did?” Daisy stuttered, nearly spitting her tea.
“We already know you’re into comic books,” Berry said. “No need to fret over it every time we mention it. Or any time we mention your name, really.”
“Fainting goats,” Roseluck replied.
“Excuse me?” Lily raised her eyebrows.
Berry frowned, looking into Lily’s eyes. “Could both of you stop being weird for a moment? I can understand Daisy because she was raised by fainting goats, but as far as I can recall, it was you who told me about that. Are you sure you are okay?”
Lily smirked. “Yes, of course. Maybe a little tired, but it’s nothing some fresh air can’t fix…”
“We can go with Berry to Barnyard Bargains,” Daisy said.
Berry finished her tea. “Let’s do this!”
As soon as they left the house, Berry immediately regretted her decision. While they were drinking tea, the cold but sunny morning turned into a freezing, windy afternoon with heavy clouds hanging low in the sky. She shivered, muttering curses under her breath.
“Do I have to go to the weather team and kick someone’s ass?” she asked.
“You could’ve just taken a scarf or something,” Roseluck replied. She wore a green, striped scarf with a matching hat. Lily settled for her Winter Wrap Up vest, while Daisy ended up with socks, galoshes, a bright orange raincoat, and an ushanka, making her look like a fisher.
“My clothes are in my house,” Berry replied, looking at Daisy unsurely. “Aren’t you too hot? Also, you can probably be seen from a mile away.”
“I’m afraid of getting flu,” Daisy muttered. “Not to mention getting lost in the blizzard.”
“I have some spare winter clothes in my closet,” Roseluck said. “You can borrow it.”
“Thanks.” Berry opened the door and walked into the house, still shuddering on her way to the stairs. Halfway across the corridor she realised she was leaving wet hoofprints on the floor and cursed, imagining what’d Lily and Roseluck say. Especially the former; Lily could be a lazy slob, but she was getting ballistic whenever somepony moved something in her room slightly to the left.
“All I want to do is trot on over to the store,” Berry sung in a low-pitched raspy murmur, “but now there's all this snow and ice that wasn't there before…”
She kept muttering until she got upstairs and reached Roseluck’s room. There, certain that no one outside could hear her, she took a deep breath.
“Winter’s fucked up, winter’s fucked up!” she exclaimed.
She paused, suddenly hearing some noise. Her ears perked up. The noise sounded like a series of high-pitched moans.
“Damn water pipe,” Berry muttered. “I told Roseluck to fix it, but I guess I’ll have to do that myself.”
The groaning started again. Berry furrowed her eyebrows – she was pretty sure it was almost impossible a busted water pipe would hum the tune of the song she’d just been singing. But then, a lot of strange things happened in Ponyville.
Eventually, Berry shrugged and opened the closet. “Hi, Lily,” she muttered absent-mindedly, seeing the bound and gagged pony sitting inside and grabbed a red and black checkered shirt hanging above her. She then closed the closet’s door and turned back to leave.
“Wait,” she muttered, her mental gears slowly starting to spin. She walked to the closet again and opened it. Lily was most definitely inside, her hooves tied together with a rope. She was also trying to say something, but a scarf in her mouth prevented her from doing so.
“What the hell?” Berry muttered, removing the scarf.
“The snow is too fucking thick!” Lily shouted in a raspy voice, ending in a cough.
Berry raised her eyebrows. “What?”
“I was trying to get your attention,” Lily replied. “And I don’t even sound like a water pipe!”
“You kinda do,” Berry said. “Also, if you’re here doing some kinky shit, then who’s downstairs with Roseluck and Daisy?”
“What do you mean?” Lily asked. “Also, untie me!”
Berry grabbed the ropes and freed Lily from her bindings. “Well, I was just drinking tea with you and the girls and then we wanted to go to the store. But now you seem to be in two places at once…”
“Well, my memory is rather fuzzy…” Lily rubbed her temples. “Must’ve been that changeling.”
“Changeling?” Berry chuckled. “I met those modern changelings. They’re completely harmless and kinda dumb. And they keep apologizing.”
“No, this one was big and black.” Lily shuddered. “And full of holes. Most definitely didn’t apologise for putting me here.”
“How do I know you’re not a changeling?” Berry asked.
“Because sitting here and letting real me wander around would kinda defeat the purpose?” Lily shrugged.
“Maybe there are two changelings,” Berry muttered. “Also, if I were an evil changeling, I wouldn’t stuff you in a closet where everypony can find you. In fact they’d never find your body.”
“Well maybe she’s retarded, who the fuck cares?!” Lily exclaimed. “Roseluck and Daisy are there with a changeling, you thick oaf! We need to save them before this creature empties my bank account and runs with the money!”
“Okay, okay.” Berry helped Lily up and they trotted downstairs.
“What have you done to my floor?” Lily asked, staring at the wet marks on the floor in the hall.
“I’ll tell you later. Stay here for a moment.” Berry grabbed an axe resting against the wall and opened the door. “Sorry for keeping you waiting, girls,” she said to Roseluck, Daisy, and the mare formerly known as Lily. “I just heard the most peculiar story.”
“What story?” the not-quite-Lily asked. “And where did you get that axe? I know ponies are getting crazy when doing Hearth’s Warming shopping, but I don’t think it’ll be necessary.”
“I just wanted to ask you a question,” Berry replied. “Remember last week when you walked in on me and Roseluck? What were we doing?”
“I don’t remember.” Lily-but-not-Lily shrugged. “Guess you were having sex or some–” She was cut short. In this case, literally, as she suddenly got her face full of an axe.
“I always wanted to do that.” Berry looked at the green blood hissing and leaving black marks on the blade. Not-Lily fell on the snow, her blood turning it into steam. Daisy fainted. Roseluck looked like she was about to follow her.
“I’m fine!” The real Lily ran out of the house. “That changeling locked me in a closet. Also, you two were playing scrabble. Guess I shouldn’t have started correcting your spelling.”
“Well, we did make some stupid mistakes,” Berry replied.
“Like thinking you can kill the great Queen Chrysalis with this?”
Berry jumped back, shielding Rose and Daisy with her body and clutching the axe with her hoof. The changeling queen stood up, towering over them and grinning maniacally. There was a long gash on her face, but aside from that she seemed unharmed.
“Oh, bollocks,” Berry muttered. “I can still cut you up, bitch!” she exclaimed, waving her axe.
Chrysalis levitated the axe out of Berry’s hooves and tossed it aside. “Any other plans?” she asked.
Berry looked at Roseluck, Lily, and Daisy. “Yeah, you heard her. Any plans?”
“Run?” Roseluck asked.
Daisy shrugged. “Die?”
“Give up and hope she doesn’t eat us alive?” Lily shuddered.
Berry sighed. “What?”
“She already caught me once,” Lily replied. “I know what she’s up to.”
Berry nodded and turned back to Chrysalis. “Okay, I think we made our choice.” Suddenly, she kicked the snow in front of her, sending a wave of cold, sharp dust in the changeling’s eyes. “Run!” she exclaimed, turning back and bucking her with her hind legs for a good measure.
She didn’t have to say twice. Roseluck, Lily, and Daisy darted forward, galloping down the street. Berry followed them, hearing Chrysalis’ groans behind her.
“To the town!” Lily exclaimed. “We need to lure her– Aargh!” She nearly tripped when the magic beam hit the snow next to her, leaving a steaming hole in it.
“She’s behind us!” Daisy shouted. “She won’t let us go to the town!”
“Split up!” Berry exclaimed, turning to run across the field. She frowned, seeing that Roseluck kept following her. “I said, split up!”
“I don’t want to be alone!” Roseluck shuddered and galloped faster, overtaking Berry.
“Does anyone listen to me?” Berry muttered, noticing that Daisy was also following them. Lily, an expert in running away from her problems, decided to run to the town.
Chrysalis slowed down for a moment before deciding that three ponies are better than one. Taking off, she fired a few more magic bolts at Berry, Roseluck, and Daisy.
“We need to get to the forest!” Berry exclaimed, hearing the buzzing of the changeling’s wings getting closer. There was still a long way before them; most of it was bare field with no place to hide.
“Don’t worry, I’ll stop her!” Daisy stopped running and turned to face Chrysalis. Her raincoat flowed in the wind as she stared into the Queen’s face.
“Is she crazy?!” Berry looked back and raised her eyebrows. “Is she gonna fight her?”
“I don’t think so,” Roseluck replied.
Chrysalis stopped in front of Daisy, stunned by such a display of courage. Daisy looked at her with the most daring expression she could muster. Then, she dropped on the ground and rolled on her back.
“Fainting goats,” Roseluck muttered. They darted into the bushes and trees of the Everfree, watching Chrysalis from the distance.
The changeling queen poked Daisy with her hoof and took off. “I’ll take care of you later,” she hissed. “After I rip that fat lumberjack’s head off…”
She flew towards the forest. There were no leaves on the trees and she knew Berry and Roseluck couldn’t hide there; not with their bright coats.
“Come out, wherever you are!” Chrysalis exclaimed. “Unless you want me to come back and rip that moron apart and suck all the juices out of her innards!”
“Go fuck yourself!” a voice from the bushes called. Chrysalis immediately fired her magic there, breaking a branch off a tree.
“Missed!” the voice exclaimed, followed by a snowball which hit Chrysalis’ wing, making her lose balance and drop on the ground. “Must’ve lost your powers once your hive got taken over by that green dork…”
“Shut up!” Chrysalis exclaimed. A few more snowballs hit her; a few missed, but she was pretty sure they were thrown from two different places. “You think you’re clever because you split up?”
Another barrage of snowballs flew at her. Chrysalis fired her magic, melting them in mid-air. She saw a bit of someone’s tail disappearing between the trees and followed it deeper into the forest.
“You can’t escape!” she shouted. “And you’d better come out! There are worse things than me in this forest.”
“But at least they’re not boring cunts!” Berry exclaimed, throwing a snowball at Chrysalis’ head.
Chrysalis didn’t bother with melting this one, opting instead to try to hit Berry with her magic. It was a mistake; she missed, snapping bark off the trunk of a fallen tree. What was worse, this particular snowball contained a large stone hidden inside. It left a large gash on Chrysalis’ temple, almost knocking her down.
“Now you’re dead!” Chrysalis exclaimed, unleashing a spell that smashed the nearby tree into splinters. She saw Roseluck running away from behind the smoke and fired a few more spells at her. None of them hit, but for Chrysalis it didn’t matter; now she at least knew where those pesky ponies were.
She rushed down the narrow path between the trees, smashing those that got in her way. Branches kept smacking her face and whenever she thought she was about to catch Berry or Roseluck, they’d somehow lose her.
Berry, in the meantime, was about to have a brush with death.
It wasn’t Chrysalis’ deed, though. After years of calm and cozy life and, as of late, meals prepared by a better cook than Berry herself was, she was definitely not fit for running long distances. The only way to make her take part in the Running of the Leaves this year was to put a bowl of Roseluck’s famous braised eggplant at the finish line.
Needless to say, she felt like her liver was about to evacuate from her body. Knowing that the changeling was still behind her, she started to think.
“Roseluck!” Berry exclaimed, pointing at the nearby clearing. “Here!”
Roseluck ran towards Berry who ripped the warning sign off the tree and tossed it aside. She then walked to another tree and pulled a lever, disguised as a low-hanging branch.
“Not here!” she shouted, seeing that Roseluck was about to walk to the clearing between two trees. “Go around them!” She pulled another branch and joined Rose at the opening.
“Where are you?” Chrysalis shouted, tearing through the bushes like a really angry combine harvester.
“We’re here, you dung beetle!” Berry waved her hoof.
Chrysalis cursed under her breath and fired a spell, but it hit some branch along the way, evaporating it. Chrysalis darted forward, charging at them.
Her eyes lit up. The prey was close and it didn’t seem to be running away. She bared her fangs, but at the same moment, she heard the faint sound of some spring-loaded contraption going off nearby. A net raised from the ground, sending snow around the clearing and trapping Chrysalis.
Before the queen could think of what went wrong, the net was already gaining speed. Halfway through the way towards the treetop, it occured to Chrysalis that she could just teleport out of the trap.
She closed her eyes, preparing a spell. Thus, she didn’t notice the heavy barrel travelling downwards; the barrel, not used to being ignored, hit Chrysalis with the full force, breaking her concentration as well as her hind legs. The net began to swing uncontrollably, smacking against the branches until it hit the metal sheave attached to the treetop.
“This must’ve hurt,” Berry muttered when the barrel hit the ground, losing its bottom and at least a quarter of bricks inside.
“Do you think she’ll fall back here?” Roseluck asked, looking up.
“Nah.” Berry pointed at the barrel. “She’s not a timberwolf. There’s no way this overgrown fruit fly is heavier than this.”
One more brick fell out of the barrel. Slowly, the rope started to move up, pulling the counterweight back towards the treetop.
“I might’ve been wrong.” Berry observed as the net accelerated, hitting the barrel once more time and causing more bricks to fall out of it. Soon, the former changeling queen was back with them, hitting the snowy ground with the grace of a drunken dragon dancing disco.
“Do you think she died?” Roseluck asked, watching Chrysalis whose chitin shell was cracked in many places, green ooze seeping from the wounds. Her wings were bent out of shape and although she looked like an aftermath of an insect collector having an accident, she still raised her head.
“You think this was enough to kill me?” she asked. “After Cadance’s wedding, I got launched into the stratosphere and landed on someone’s outhouse in Klugetown. It took me just a week to fully regenerate…”
Suddenly, Berry heard the distant sound of the rope snapping. Several bricks fell down around Chrysalis who looked up. Right in time to see the barrel which landed on her with a sickening crunch, sending green, acidic jelly everywhere around. Roseluck jumped back, barely avoiding the droplets.
Berry watched the single black hoof that was still visible from under the barrel. It kept twitching for a moment before finally dropping limply on the snow. “Huh” was all she could say.
“Damn,” Roseluck whispered. “We killed her, didn’t we?”
“My uncle went the same way.” Berry nodded solemnly.
Roseluck sighed. “Daisy was right. Those traps are dangerous.”
“Speaking of, I think I hear Daisy,” Berry said. “And Lily. And Twilight Sparkle.”
“Right on time,” Roseluck muttered.
Berry looked at the corpse, still buried under the bricks and remains of the barrel. “Indeed. Let’s go before they give us wings or other shit.” She hugged Roseluck and kissed her forehead.
One thing was sure: this Hearth’s Warming Eve was going to be great.
Author's Note
