Twilight Says "Fuck."

by Lack of Tact

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Random, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy
Length: 1028

Twilight says "fuck" because laws don't apply to royalty.

You are Twilight Sparkle, the sole princess of Ponyville. Your best friend just so happens to be a monkey from another dimension and oh boy does he teach you a lot! Swearing whenever you stub your hoof; swearing whenever something that could go wrong does go wrong; swearing when... you get the point :twilightsheepish:

But the most important thing he taught you was that swears aren't illegal where he comes from.

Things go straight to shit as soon as you find out.

. . .

To whoever stole my one power armour frame: go fuck yourself.

:twilightsmile: Enjoy! :twilightsmile:

Published 2020-11-21 12:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-11-21 12:00:01 UTC

What starts with an 'f' and ends with a 'k'?

"Alright, Firefly. Remember what I said-" your eyes gleam up at his, interrupting his reminder speech. You knew exactly what the next words out of his mouth was going to be. You've been training for this all your life for this—not literally, of course. More or less, a year. Give or take—so it seems obvious you'd remember. Especially by now.

"-I'm a good pony!" His smile sent down towards you sends your stomachs into somersaults. You beam up at him as he places his hand softly atop your mussied up mane. A single nod and you feel your tail flick.

"Fuck yeah, you are Twigs." He chuckles a soft chuckly chuckle. Your heart is sent flying as butterflies decide to procreate in your stomach—your digestive system not being an optimal living space for the critters, they practically flay your innards as they try to escape and you fail to come up with a reply. Not like you needed to.

You were a good pony, after all.

"Fuck yeah!" You repeat in glee at the thought, only to cover your mouth a second later. Too late, you notice, as all bystanders and passersby stop and give you a ghastly look.

Anon, however, seems unfazed and looks back at the lot. "The fuck're you looking at, ya queefs?" Anon, stop! He doesn't stop. "She swore, so fucking what. What're you gonna do," Anon no! "Tell her mom on her?"

And that's exactly what a petty-blue unicorn did.

. . . . .

You stare silently, ears splayed backwards as your mother verbally abuses you. Well, scolds, you know this, but Anon's right. Making everything out worse to be than it actually is outside of your head is kinda fun! "Are-are you even listening, Twilight? What's gotten into you lately, honey?" Her tone is soft, but her eyes are stern. She means to bury you alive!

"Nothing mom, don't shit a brick over it." You harrumph, your hooves crossing over the tip of your barrel. Mom reels back in shock, as if you just struck her. "All of the cool kids are doing it these days."

Doing what? You didn't actually know, but your mother is definitely thrown for a loop with it. "I-bah-Twilight? You're 24! Why are you swearing so much, at your mother, no less?!" She continues to use that fake-ass caring tone—woah, calm down Twilight—as she stares at you, alligator tears streaking down her eyes.

"Oh, fuck off already." With that, you turn your head away from your mother as she runs out of the room sobbing. Wow, you kind of feel like a dick, Twilight. Never thought your brain would tell you that one, did you?

You opt to ignore reason and flip your middle-hoof at the imaginary voice in your head telling you to do good things. A knock at your door sounds and you see your father walking in, a feint smile across his muzzle as he stares at you. "Hey, hon. Momma told me you were having a kind of funk?"

You give him your fakest smile, a cutesy look in your eyes, "Oh, yes, daddy," his tail twitched once and your facade drops. "Now, how about you funk the fuck off, too." The magic of cursing is wonderful, who ever knew anyone could feel so free! You watch the back of your dad's head as he leaves the room, tears flowing from his cheeks as well.

Double kill!

Little did you know, your parents contacted your teacher, you naughty student.

. . . . .

You stand before the royal Hers, in all of Celestia and her unimportant sister's glory. Her caring eyes look into your soul, your very being, and she speaks. "Yo bitch, waddup."

You nod once–the maximum sign of respect Anon had said. You raise a magic peace sign, "yo, wassup nig-"

"Ger!" The sound of grunts makes its way to your ears as you turn to face the entryway. A guard, looking worse for wear, struggles on his hooves as he practically crawls like the bitch-baby he is towards the princess' hooves. His eyes frantic, he speaks "your-your Majesty," he barely glances at Celestia's sister, "hey Luna," she waves awkwardly. "Your majesty, a bipedal creature is storming the castle as we speak! His very words are like swords, cutting into men and children alike–the women are fine, but after they'd committed adultery with the vandal!" The guard spoke with such a speed, you barely understood him. All you made out were two words:

One: Bipedal.

Two: Creature.

You're a fucking dumbass, even if you're the smartest. Your voice raises suddenly, interrupting the message deliverer, who you were explicitly told to always shoot. Whatever that means. But hey, Anon wasn't wrong about swearing! "MmmMMMMBIATCH!"

YOU FUCKING LASER THE GUARDPONY, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. Seeing the smoldering remains of ash in his place, you give a content smile towards your princess and ruler of all of the land. She raises her hoof with a single, vertical nod: respect. "Fucking. Word."

Anon kicks the already open door–as in the air, and trips promptly next to the blackened soot of his, albeit unknowingly, would-have-been-slayer. He pushes himself to his feet and faux-salutes the queen bitch, to him anyway, Luna. "Heard you were feeling restless, your bed free tonight?"

Luna guffaws at his unscrupulous behaviour, heat rising her to her cheeks and down to her other cheeks. All of her cheeks felt heated

Not that Anon or you know this, but the surrounding area did just grow somewhat warmer. You shake your head, ignoring your other teacher's antics. Both Anon and Luna disappear in a blue flash of light, you're blinded from it so much so, you totally, accidentally back into Celestia's nethers.

Her look turning down to you in, at first surprise, warms into a loving grin. "Yo, G. Wanna fornicate like no tomorrow?"

Who'd-a-thunk all of this began simply because of a word that started with 'f' and ended with 'k'.

The answer, that word?

Is 'friendshik'.

Nah, it's actually 'fuck'.

Author's Note

insomnia

inspires

idiocy