I Am Broken
“Am I going to die?”
Our question was a simple one, she could have answered yes or no, but in our dying moonlight words seemed to fail her. The last few hours escaped our memory, all we could think of was that moment; that one moment when everything seemed to fall apart. We can’t remember why we did it, our myriad of emotions and thoughts simply clouded our judgement. In the smoking wreckage that was once the observatory, we just stood there with her, waiting for the end.
No. That isn't right.
Did we stand there with her, or did we just fall?
But, we can’t fall up, can we?
It really was an odd sensation, soaring through the air like that. It stung even though we felt no pain. The night sky hissed and groaned at our passing, but where were we going? We never took flight, at least not that we could recall. Just like we couldn't recall the past few hours. Everything was a thick haze, a deep veil of something we could only define as malice. That isn't true, no we could see things, we could remember them.
We could see everything.
We saw her, and we saw us.
We saw that dreadful sphere of flame for the last time!
It was satisfying, it really was. Seeing the golden corona dip below the horizon only to be replaced by our gift to the world. It was beautiful, but as always our beauty was shunned and they resisted.
She resisted.
Why? What did she do?
Our mind reeled in conflict. We tried to focus, to see what was happening. We looked back and saw her in the tower. She stood in the ruins, her coat smeared with crimson and her illustrious mane faded. She seemed distraught, she seemed lost. She did her duty but she clearly had trouble accepting it. The stones that aided her were cast aside having already completed their purpose.
The stones, how did she use them?
We weren't there to help her, how did they work?
What exactly were they doing?
She screamed, she screamed her name. No, she screamed our name. A broken wail, powerful enough to shatter the sky, but so fragile and lost. The city trembled, the nation trembled. Her cries shook the earth, and all knew despair... but only for her. They’re sad for her, they fear her!
We loved them, and they never cared!
Our light gave them peace and comfort, so what do they do? They take us for granted and cast us aside without a second thought! Yet whenever she feels despair, they all care. What did she do? She’s been holding them in a dictatorship for the past three centuries! Why do they hate us and not her?
The sun was rising, it should have been put out!
‘But she never tried to remove ours... why should we defile hers?’
‘She didn't need to, she had everything already!’
‘But she loved us, didn't she?’
‘We’re sorry dear girl, she was alone in her love.’
The cries stopped. We could barely see her body being wracked with sobs. With every moan, the clouds heaved and bellowed. Even the earth and sky felt for her, but what did we have? The smallest rock in orbit. Our moon was always silent, it was very shy and timid. It was so unlike that bloated provocative ball that accompanied it. The moon cared, it provided a veil of protection and soothed everything beneath it. Should a day be too hot, the sun would scorch the land and cause pain to all beneath it. Did they all enjoy pain that much? She certainly gave us enough.
The memories came back more frequently now. All we saw was her. She was beaten, she was broken, she was cast aside and ignored.
‘She still loved us.’
‘And yet only her.’
Her face was struck over and over, her body hurled back with magic, it was difficult for her to fight back.
But fight what?
‘Us.’
‘Don’t we see? We’re what they all deserve!’
‘But they don’t want us...’
‘They don’t want m-’
‘Never say that, child!’
The malice... that’s what it was. It took over and we let it, we wanted it. We took to her chambers in the dead of night and tried to murder her then and there. She heard us and she resisted, the struggle went on for quite a time before she flew away from the palace. We hunted her for hours, and the citizens cowered before us.
‘But they need not fear us.’
‘They fear everything, they are weak.’
Higher we climbed in the sky, below us Equestria sank beneath the clouds. With each mile we could hear less, but with each yard we remembered more. Fleeting images of pain and betrayal on both sides. There was a moment where she lay wounded on the marble floors of Canterlot. For but a mere second we were overcome with the urge to help her, so we did. Once again, our love was cast aside.
‘And by her!’
‘The sun is unforgiving.’
She took our hoof and with all her primal might she forced us back. Our moment of weakness gave her precious time. The stones, they sided with her! Harmony worked against us, harmony was corrupted!
‘But what did they do?’
‘Child, we will be resting for a long time.’
Finally, we breached the sky. Through the ethereal wall crafted by the very essence of our betrayer, we were kept safe. No sound reached our ears, but while we did not hear, we saw so much. Our shunned ally swam amid an ocean of stars held aloft by a black void. Far away were the jewels of the night sky, bright clouds and pillars of gas stretched out for billions of miles. We watched as a star flickered and died only to be replaced by a new one not far off. It was beautiful, it was ours.
‘We have so much more, we move so much more, why do they love her and not us?’
‘They are young, they are simple.’
Our moon drew closer. The brilliant white ball of rock that lorded over our nation’s night was coming to accept us. It was like the moon to feel, but the sun just rose to mock us! It’s glare was blinding and forced us to look away in shame.
‘We don’t know what to do.’
‘We don’t know why they hate us.’
‘Luna you have to calm down.’
‘We can’t calm down! We've been cast aside again.’
‘Luna, you have to.’
‘We aren't Luna!’
‘We are one in the same.’
Closer our friend came. Closer and closer, the halo of white looked so cold but so accepting.
‘Why do they hate us?’
‘Why do they hate who?’
The voice brought up an excellent question, and for the moment our friend was forgotten. We began to slow our approach in order to buy time to think. It was hard, it was painful, but we needed it.
‘Us... that’s who.’
‘Who is us?’
‘Yes... we mean, no.’
‘Us is who?’
‘No, this who... is you.’
‘We are you, and you are us.’
‘Yes, you understand. Now ask the question again.’
We hesitated, we were unsure. We waited for what felt like hours in the icy void. The question was a hard one to understand, we could never really know the answer. Even so, it needed to be asked... properly.
‘Why do they hate me?’
Pain wracked our body, pain wracked my body. I began to move again. I fell upwards, but I still went down. My mind screamed, its calls were lost to the void. In our pain came realization and fulfillment. We were whole, I was whole. One final revelation remained as I connected with the object of my undying love.
“I am Luna, and I am broken.”
‘We are the Nightmare, and we are eternal.’
I Am Broken
She ascended, but all the same she fell.
I was left to watch her rise higher and higher. My sobs were reduced to choking pleas of forgiveness as smoke and ash filled my lungs. My soot covered face was painted irregularly with shed tears and dried blood. All I could feel was anguish, perhaps some fear when faced with the realization that I wouldn't have anypony truly by my side for the next few centuries. The sphere of my vanity hung low in the early morning sky, it was dawn...
And I hated it.
Maybe Luna was right, why should I be so revered above her? We both held the same power in our hooves, but they tended to ignore her and everything she did. Did they see her as nothing more than a decoration?
“Their ruler and goddess!”
Too late did I realize that I spoke aloud. My shout echoed across the mountainside and came upon the heartland valley with such force that the earth trembled. As if sensing my sorrow, the sun kindled its flames and brought warmth to my body. The warmth was inviting, oh by my creator I lusted for its relief.
Instead of my submission, all the sun felt was my anger.
I stood and ran to shield myself behind as much debris as I could. My star’s love was replaced with the scorching heat of the still raging fires. It hurt to breath, but such things would not claim me. I was left in a world of ignorant mortals who only cared for power and their own comfort. At some point I caught myself contemplating childish revenge on those who could not truly be faulted.
I asked myself constantly, “Was I not enough?”
No, clearly not. I may have been her sister, but I was still one being. The hearts of the masses are clearly more comforting than the love of a wretched older sibling! My hoof sent cracks through what was left of the ash-covered marble floors as I lashed out with mixed emotions.
Our fight really had destroyed the observatory.
I did not require the telescope, which by now was nothing more than buckled scrap metal, to see what occurred in the sky. As the moon began to dip below the horizon, the sky flashed purple. Clouds seemed to glow lavender and even the sun was dimmed, but only for a mere moment. The flash dissipated leaving behind an indigo halo which gently caressed the retreating white sphere. It was a beautiful display, but it was ruined and defiled by my damned sunlight! My sister, the pony I cared most for in the world was gone because of that thing!
I paced and growled, I gave into rage and let it control me for I don't know how long.
“If it wasn't for you, she’d still be here!” I had at least taken care that my voice wouldn't cause any more disasters.
If it wasn't for a lot of things she’d still be here. I turned my attention to the elements. They lay scattered around the tower, cast aside by myself when I lost the will to stand. For the first time in my long life, I found myself resenting harmony. What transpired earlier could not have possibly been a fair decision. The elements had minds of their own, the fact that they would consciously take my sister away from me was unbearable.
I nearly did it. I was so close to hurling them off the tower with my magic, but something stopped me. I knew why I couldn't be rid of them, deep within my tired mind lay the answer.
It was neither the fault of my sun, or the fault of our philosophy, or even the faults of our subjects that took my sister away. It was myself. Too obvious was the fact that in the months of late Luna despised my very being. I wouldn't dare to flatter myself by saying ponies preferred the day over the night, granted they were mostly diurnal, but day and night were merely metaphors for the real problem. Ponies preferred me over her, and this revelation came with a heavy guilt. The insufferable foals we called nobles were all too ready to lick the ground at my hooves, but they tended to just ignore Luna... hoping she might disappear. Perhaps Luna could be a bit temperamental at times, but she still had a kind heart and she really did love every one of them.
As for the elements? This was not Luna’s punishment, it was mine for thinking I could wield them by myself. Luna will have a millennium to heal, but I will have a millennium to haunt myself with her memory. A fitting punishment, she was deprived of the thing she loved, and now I would be. That it was deserved came as no comfort.
“I’m sorry.”
My sorrow was renewed, I just kept repeating the apology over and over. I thought I was starting to make Luna happier, I really did. I knew she was depressed and so I devoted more time to making sure she was content with herself. The last few days were wonderful, I shirked court duties entirely just to spend time with her. We spent hours laying in the valley just admiring the world, we even played games like we did so long ago in our foalhood. The night before was perfect, she seemed so ecstatic when I promised to stay up late in the evening to be with her. Sleep wasn't needed, but the habit was well known to me. That night she forged a masterpiece. A vast starscape dotted with the occasional nebula and of course her perfect white centerpiece, but something was different. I noticed throughout our time together, that the moon seemed to possess a faint polychromatic aura that shifted and flickered.
She looked at me and just smiled. It took me quite a while to finally realize that she matched the aura to my mane and tail. It was the sweetest thing she’d ever done for me, and her next words were even sweeter.
“Happy birthday Tia.”
It was actually a few weeks beforehand, but she confined herself to our old run down castle when a foal shied away from her. The timing mattered not to me, the only thing I cared about was that she sounded genuinely happy. So we embraced one another, well more like I pulled her closer to me in a crushing bear hug. All the more painful when my wonderful day, what I assumed was a wonderful day for her, was ruined.
After I departed, she came for me in the night. I know not when, nor how that thing took her... I don’t even really know what it was. Luna was gone, and what stood in her place wished to obliterate me. It was like a snarling animal, it was like a demon. That’s what I thought at first, until that so called demon tried to help me to my hooves. It wasn't a creature at all, it was my sister and she was trying to murder me.
“If only you succeeded. This will be much worse,” I choked out.
Again the sun tried to comfort me. It cast its rays down upon my beaten body and dried away my tears. I was wrong to have insulted it, it was my only company now.
“You must feel as awful as I do... you’ll chase your sibling for century after century, but the moon will always be just out of reach.”
“How did we get into this mess?” I mumbled.
It offered no reply, my stoic friend as always. Its warmth would caress but offer nothing more than understanding, it was enough. I shakily got to my hooves, sniffling and coughing. The fires had long since put themselves out, all that remained of the observatory now was charred wood and blackened stone, smoke clouds still hung in the air but the worst was gone. It was midday already, my mind had wallowed in pain for hours and to me it felt like a few minutes. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe time will fly?
“No,” I sighed while looking up at the sun.
“We will wait for a very long time.”
"We will suffer."
