Twiranny

by KATCompositions

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Trixie, Science Fiction, Comedy, Adventure, Derpy Hooves, Crossover, Doctor Whooves, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 6525

Twilight declares herself ruler of a very tiny colony millions of years away from civilisation, and goes mad with power. However soon she faces an uprising, as well as a potentially explosive disaster thanks to Doctor Whooves.

Muffins at the End of the Universe IV

For many months Twilight Sparkle has pondered her role in the universe, while marooned in a crashed pod in the far future, eating reprocessed food and counting floor tiles to occupy her mind. Then she discovers a loophole in Equestrian colonial law, allowing her to rule over her new domain as princess, much to the annoyance of her colony's three citizens, Trixie, Derpy and Doctor Whooves.

As Twilight goes mad with power, treachery and revolution are in the air, as well as some explosive chemicals thanks to the Doctor, culminating in a finale of political intrigue involving a bubble wand and a rather dubious stick of celery.

Published 2018-12-16 18:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-12-17 21:28:32 UTC

Exponential Crisis

Twilight Sparkle slouched into the bunkroom, heaving a sigh. In fairness, she had a lot to be grateful for. After an hour of hard labour, she was now free to enjoy the rest of the artificial, sunless day. She scanned around, considering the myriad of thrilling ways to occupy herself. She had already counted the number of floor plates; 24 altogether. She'd done that in the first couple of weeks. She had also previously catalogued the wall tiles, of which there were 53. It had been bugging her why it was an odd number, but she had recounted six times and come to the same figure, with one exception, when she had counted 55, which was even more confusing. The fact that they were all grey did not help matters.

Not for the first time, Twilight reflected that she was slowly going mad. Was this what alicorn princesses were supposed to do; sit round, wasting away in a marooned rust bucket at the end of the universe, millions of years from civilisation? If so, then what was the point, of anything? Perhaps another tile recount wasn't a bad idea.

Twilight was halfway through the second row, before a murmuring from behind made her jump and lose her place. The top bunk had been dormant for so long she would have almost certainly assumed it to be empty had it not been for the snoring that had kept her awake most of the night. Now she turned to find Trixie's face peering over the bed rail. "Morning," she yawned.

"Afternoon," Twilight corrected.

"Atoms," cried Doctor Whooves, leaning over his battered workbench intently, "the base ingredient of the entire universe. Everything you can think of it made up by atoms".

"But Doctor, you always say we should trust science".

"That is correct," said the Doctor, turning to address his assistant.

"Well if atoms make everything up, they don't sound very trustworthy".

This was what the Doctor admired the most about Derpy, thinking outside the box, asking the questions nopony else would even imagine, forcing him to consider things from a totally unique angle. He was just contemplating how to respond to this particular intellectual quandary when he caught sight of Derpy's hoof snaking across the bench.

"Don't touch that," he cried, "careful, these chemicals are extremely unstable, hence why we're handling them with highly advanced, state of the art, precision apparatus". With a pair of tongs he manipulated the chipped beaker, supported above a Bunsen burner by a rusty wire frame. "Why don't you make yourself useful and print me a label; Hydrogen Peroxide, 200 millilitres".

Taking care not to trip over the junk that littered the floor, yet somehow still managing to, Derpy made her way over to the new label making machine the Doctor had recently installed, having declared that writing them out by hoof, or mouth, was just not practical without the aid of a unicorn. He had explained how to use the machine and how it was really quite straightforward. Input chemical compound the display read.

"I just need to go upstairs, back in moment," called the Doctor.

Derpy returned her focus to the keypad and entered the chemical name she thought the Doctor had said from memory. Now the display was asking her to input quantity. 200 she typed in, remembering his instructions. Finally she hit enter, and a label popped out of the machine, followed by another, and another, and another, and then another. Soon there were a whole stream of them pouring onto the floor.

"Doct-"

"Where have you been?"

"If you want to know I've been washing the dishes, by myself, since Derpy's down in that laboratory with the Doctor again," said Twilight, firing an accusatory glare. "I did ask for your help, but all you did was tell me to send for a wizard and then stuffed your head back under the pillow".

"I don't remember that," said Trixie.

"Didn't think you would. You know how that reprocessed food sticks to the plates, it takes forever to scrub off".

"Is something bothering you Twilight? You seem, more irritable than usual. No offence".

Twilight shook her head and flopped onto her bed. "It's nothing. Just having a sort of, existential crisis at the moment".

"Having a what?"

"Trixie, does it bother you that all we do every day is sit around, sleep and eat reprocessed food?"

Trixie pondered the question for a moment. "Would you prefer some pretzels? I have a secret stash".

"Ergh, never mind," snapped Twilight, rolling over to face the wall.

Trixie sighed and assumed a mournful posture. "It's strange how bad things seem to always happen to good ponies isn't?" she said.

Twilight nodded. This she could relate to.

"I mean you're going along, doing really well in life, on your way to achieving all your dreams, then for reasons beyond your control, it all gets taken away from you. You end up in some stuffy corner of the universe sharing a bunk with deranged pony with psychotic delusions of grandeur".

Twilight nodded. Again she could relate.

"Meanwhile other ponies have it all so easy, they get to become alicorn princesses and lounge around in castles that grow out of the ground while the rest of us do all the hard work".

Twilight was about to nod but stopped and sat up. "Wait, what? Oh, we're talking about you. I should've guessed".

"I mean you can't tell me that structure meets planning permission guidelines for a start".

"Hold on, delusions of grandeur? What are you talking about? As a princess of Equestria, I'd appreciate it if you showed a little more respect".

Trixie grovelled theatrically. "I'm so sorry to have offended your grace, naturally I will bow down before your greatness, oh glorious one".

"I think you might be forgetting which one of us habitually prefixes their name with the great and powerful," Twilight responded with a wry smile.

"That's different. Trixie is great and powerful. You may have been a princess in Equestria but that titles holds no weight here, millions of years out into the universe".

"Actually, as you are a citizen of Equestria, it does. We may have an, informal, relationship. I might even consider you a friend".

"You flatter me," Trixie interjected.

"But under article 17 of the sovereignty act, if I gave you a royal command, you would have to obey".

"Not true," cried a voice from across the room.

The eyes of both ponies bolted towards the defiant stallion stood in the doorway.

"Doctor, how long have you been there?" said Twilight.

Doctor Whooves rubbed his neck, "well, as a matter of fact I came to say the radar is clear of storms whenever you're ready to join me outside the pod. But then I didn't want to interrupt your conversation. As it happens I have a little first-hoof experience of Equestria's colonial era".

"Of course you do," muttered Trixie.

"And I happen to know that sovereignty law does not apply until a body of land has officially been claimed, and only Celestia can perform that ceremony".

"Doctor I'm a princess, if you've not forgotten. Part of my job is, was, to study Equestrian law and I've never heard of..."

"Then you'll have read all the footnotes I take it. I have spare copies of the amendment if you'd like another look".

Twilight thought for a moment. "Yes, actually, I would like like to see that".

"Something beginning with R," said the Doctor.

"Oh, I know this one". Derpy jumped to her hooves and paced around excitedly, kicking dust into Trixie's face, "rainbow, railing, rust, refrigerator, ribbon, river, riverbank".

Trixie sighed, staring out across the barren landscape. It had been a couple of hours since they'd left the pod, or at least that's what it felt like, even if the Doctor's fob watch stubbornly argued otherwise. "Do you see any rivers round here Derpy, or any refrigerators come to think of it?"

"No, I guess not," she replied thoughtfully.

"I'll give you a clue," said the Doctor, "it's to do with the ground".

"Dust, dirt, boulders".

"Think smaller".

"Stones, pebbles".

"Beginning with R," Trixie reminded her.

"Roof, relic, raft, robot, robot clone army".

"Robot clone army, where?" stammered the Doctor.

"I don't know, I thought you'd seen one".

"Oh for Celestia's sake," said Trixie, "it's not that difficult, they're all around us right now".

"That's right," said the Doctor.

"I think I have it," Derpy announced determinedly, "it's radon particles".

"Correct," the Doctor exclaimed.

"What?" snapped Trixie, "how in Equestria did she get that?"

"I saw it on one of those charts, in the laboratory," Derpy explained, "it says they come from rocks and soil in the ground".

"Very observant," said the Doctor, "you could learn a lot from Muffins here Trixie".

"Oh please, obviously I knew that was the answer all along, and anypony can read something off a wall chart".

Part of Trixie wished that Twilight could be here to distract her, though another part of her knew that distraction would probably involve a lecture on the finer nuances of crafting an itinerary or recategorising a bookshelf. Ironically that was why she had come out here, to get away from it. In any case she was still busy having her exponential crisis or whatever it was. When they'd left her, Twilight had been knelt on the bunkroom floor, encircled by reams of legal documentation provided by the Doctor. The chances of her making an appearance anytime soon were slim.

"Something beginning with A".

"Alicorn," cried Derpy, "incoming".

"What?" Trixie looked up to where the pegasus was pointing. Through the haze of dust that obscured the pod emerged Twilight, a vortex of rock fragments and no doubt countless radon particles swirling in her wake. Flapping about in her telekinetic field was a scroll.

"Listen. There's a clause" she panted, coming to a stop, "which states in special circumstances the colonisation ceremony may be performed by another appointed princess besides Celestia".

"Let me see that," said Trixie. She snatched the scroll from Twilight. "Ah, very interesting," she muttered, trying in vain to hide her discovery that she could not make any sense of the legal jargon. One sentence had caught her attention however. "There's something here about a member of the royal guard needing to be present".

"Oh yes, I hadn't thought of that," Twilight gasped.

Trixie saw her opportunity. "Guess we'll just have to not have the ceremony then, what a shame".

Doctor Whooves cleared his throat. "I might have served as a royal guard for a while, as a matter of fact, if that counts".

"Wow Doc, I never knew," said Derpy.

"Do you just believe every word he says without question?" asked Trixie.

"Why not? We're talking about the same pony who fought on the front line during the third great parasprite uprising".

Trixie glared at the Doctor.

"Okay, so maybe I wasn't on the frontline as such," he laughed nervously, "more of a reserve".

"So we have a royal guard, what else do we need?" Twilight took hold of the scroll again for further examination. "A native relations delegate. Derpy, you have a new role". Derpy responded with a gleeful smile. "Now all that's left are the ceremonial gowns".

Trixie had worn some ridiculous outfits before. Quite a number in fact. It came with her job. If this had been the most extravagant, overblown, radical magic show in Equestria then what she was wearing now would be considered too excessive. The gowns were not technically the correct ones for a colonisation ceremony, but they were the closest Doctor Whooves could find in his wardrobe. In other words they were suitably uncomfortable and impractical for such a formal occasion.

"They were designed as symbol of strength and stability," the Doctor explained when Trixie complained for the twenty-third time, "that's why they are so heavy. It's said during the first frontier sixteen ponies were hospitalised after wearing these gowns".

"So they showed their strength and stability by injuring themselves," said Trixie.

"Don't worry, he's just exaggerating," gasped Twilight, sweat pouring off her as she strained under the oversized metallic horseshoe which adorned her collar. "Now can we get on with the ceremony please. The native relations delegate has yet to make her speech".

"This is ridiculous. There are no natives on this world," said Trixie.

Twilight leaned in close and whispered "that's why I gave the job to Derpy". She raised her voice and continued, "and anyway, technically we don't know for certain there is no life out here".

At this the Doctor's ears perked up. "Exactly," he boomed, "there may be aliens around here we've not yet discovered".

"You mean like the last alien evidence you found?" said Trixie, "that turned out to be a crate of your old junk".

"We agreed never to speak of that again," replied the Doctor gravely.

"Can we please focus," cried Twilight, "it's vital this ceremony goes to plan. Now as I was saying, before we conclude, the native relations delegate will offer support and solidarity to the indigenous life forms of this colony".

She made a gesture with her hoof and paused. There was silence. Twilight cleared her throat again. The Doctor prodded Derpy.

"Oh, that's me," she said, "I'd like to make a short speech to all the indigenius life forms out there, wherever you are. I know you have to be very clever to be a genius, so I can only imagine how clever you must have to be to be indigenius. It is my hope that one day we will meet so we can share our own great wisdom with you, and then together we can both be indigenius".

"They don't know what they're missing out on," Trixie remarked.

Twilight cleared her throat. "Now, as princess and leader of this colony I decree that from today things will be run more efficiently around here".

Twilight strode into the bunkroom. Head held aloft, she peered around and nodded with approval. The wall could do with a few propaganda posters, but that could wait until the morning. Where was that funny smell coming from though?

"Twilight".

Startled from her thoughts, Twilight turned to find Trixie stood in the doorway. "I do not recall you being permitted to enter the royal quarters".

"I sleep in here," Trixie replied.

Twilight groaned. "Very well, but if you wish to speak with me in future you must first obtain an appointment through the appropriate channels".

"And what are the appropriate channels?"

"Make way for the princess's guard," thundered a voice from behind her.

Trixie jumped to the side involuntarily. "Doctor, what are you doing, and why are you wearing that ridiculous uniform?"

"I have appointed the Doctor as my personal bodyguard" Twilight explained.

"Twilight, don't you think you're taking this a little too seriously?"

"Whatever would give that idea?"

"Any trouble your highness?" said the Doctor.

"No trouble, I'm just dealing with it," answered Twilight. "Actually..." She moved towards the bed, all the while sniffing the air. Then she began levitating the corner of the duvet on the top bunk and rummaging underneath.

"What are you doing?" cried Trixie, "hey".

"As I suspected," said Twilight, holding a bag of pretzels in her magic aura, "an unauthorised consumable, not declared on your ration allocation".

"Ration allocation?"

She passed the bag to Doctor Whooves. "Place these under strict quarantine would you". He moved to follow her instruction.

"Now that's enough Twilight," snapped Trixie, "this has to stop".

Twilight turned and paced towards her, "I will let you off with a formal caution, just this once, but be careful. The princess is watching you. Ooh, I'm going to have that on a poster".

By now Trixie was backed up against the wall of the bunkroom. "Twilight, are you okay?"

"More than okay. I'm better than I've felt in a long time. You are dismissed".

Trixie nodded and slumped out into the corridor. Having crossed the threshold, she paused and looked around. "Can I come back in now?" she said after a few seconds. She decided to take the absence of response as a yes and re-entered the bunkroom with a sigh. Whatever it was Twilight was going through she would have to just accept it for the moment. It would surely be over in a few days anyway and things would go back to normal.

"Zone 61, 50 hoofsteps north, 35 hoofsteps east. Geological report please".

Trixie groaned. The ground below her hooves was made up of dust and rocks, as was the ground in front of her, and either side of her, and behind her as far as she could see. "Dry sediment".

Twilight scribbled in her notebook, then marched five steps forward. Trixie slumped a few steps forward. "Zone 62, 50 hoofsteps north, 40 hoofsteps east. Geological report please".

"Dry sediment," said Trixie, staring off into the distance.

"You weren't looking. Remember accuracy is critical. What if you said the ground was dry sediment and it was actually something completely different? How can I, as the princess, plan for the future of this colony if my survey data is all wrong?"

"Ugh". Trixie gave the earth below a hard glare then looked to Twilight to check she was satisfied. "Dry sediment".

Twilight paced forward again. "Zone 63, 50 hoofsteps north, 45 hoofsteps east. Geological report please".

"Twilight, I'm bored now".

"Zone 63, 50 hoofsteps north, 45 hoofsteps east. Geological report please," Twilight repeated.

"How long is this going to go on for? It's been three weeks now, I can't take any more".

"Geological report please".

"Can you stop saying geological report please".

"Geological report please".

"This is silly".

"On the contrary," argued Twilight, "this is extremely serious. We don't know how long we may be stranded out here, therefore it is absolutely vital we are prepared, and for that we need precise geological data. Now let's try again shall we? Geological report, please".

"Dry sediment," muttered Trixie.

"Speak up, I can't hear you".

"Dry sediment," she yelled, "are you happy?"

"Thank you, now that wasn't so hard, was it?"

The coast was clear. Twilight had sent Derpy to the cargo bay to do another stock take, removing and meticulously cataloguing each individual item from every crate. Doctor Whooves was down in his laboratory working on a new chemistry experiment, trying to create an invisible stealth paint which he insisted would help protect the pod if they encountered hostile alien life forms. Twilight had reassured him there would be no hostile alien life forms but it made no difference. Trixie meanwhile was sleeping off the afternoon's work, so there would be no sign of her for at least the next twelve hours or so. More than enough time to do what she needed. Another quick glance behind her and Twilight slipped into the cockpit, unaware that she was being watched.

Marechiavellian Principles

Trixie rolled over in her sleep. "75 hoofsteps, dry sediment," she muttered. At once she sat bolt upright and stared across at the digital numbers on the wall opposite. It was six o'clock already. Twilight would be reprimanding her for being late for duties any second. Yawning, Trixie stumbled down the ladder, still worn from the tedium of the previous day. She blinked as Twilight's unoccupied bunk came into focus. The room was empty. "Strange". A crack of light guided her towards the half open door and out into the corridor.

Trixie yawned again. Doctor Whooves had once said something about bright lights having a stimulating effect, helping the brain to tell when it should be awake. But right now they just made her head hurt, as she slouched along the corridor, fighting the urge to collapse. Propaganda posters towered overhead. Scrawled in red spray paint underneath were the words Down with the Princess. From the end of the corridor, she heard muffled shouting. Trixie picked up the pace, her instincts kicking in from her foundation course in performance magic. She'd failed the course, but she did pick up quite a knack for overhearing gossip from her time spent in the dormitory. Rounding the corner, Trixie came to a door inscribed with the words Ministry of Friendship. She could now make out some of what was being said.

"Don't play innocent with me". Twilight slammed her hoof on the desk. "You know very well what I am talking about, and you will tell me the name of your fellow conspirator".

Derpy shrunk back in her chair, eyes squinting under the light from Twilight's horn, directed at her face. "What's a conspirator?"

"You're not fooling anyone with that act. I can see right through those eyes. You are a traitor to the crown and to the colony, and I have proof".

Twilight marched over to a projector behind Derpy and manipulated the controls. "This footage was recorded last night". The screen illuminated with an enlarged close-up of Twilight in her bunk, eyes closed, cuddling a copy of Marechiavellian Political Principles, 3rd Edition. The princess hurriedly swapped the film reels, laughing defensively. "Wrong camera".

Now an image of two shadowy figures in one of the pod's corridors appeared. "Psst," one of them was whispering.

The other looked around, checking they were alone. "What do you want? I've got cinnamon, blueberry, banana nut, cherry chip, all quality, no soggy stuff".

"No I don't want your bootleg muffins. It's about, the princess. I have, concerns".

The second mare lowered her voice even further. "You are not alone".

"There may be something we can do. If we could get her to somehow forfeit her title..."

"We should move, it's not safe to talk here. Follow me".

The two silhouettes shifted out of view.

The projector image snapped off, to be replaced by the glare of Twilight's horn once more. "It must have been you because you're the only one with access to the cargo decks, since I put you in charge of rations. Not content with abusing that position to illicitly supply, you have betrayed the colony. Now I shall give you one more opportunity to reveal the identity of the pony you were colluding with, otherwise we can move on to, other methods of persuasion".

Derpy responded with the same dumbfounded expression she'd worn so far throughout the one-sided conversation.

"Very well, you leave me no choice".

From out of nowhere Twilight produced a bubble wand.

"What are you doing?" Derpy questioned anxiously.

"Oh you'll see," Twilight laughed with a maniacal grin, raising the wand to her mouth.

Derpy gazed with wonder at the cascade of bubbles that floated above their heads, drifting down towards the desk. Then she caught sight of Twilight's small, frenzied pupils, fixed on the needle she was now levitating.

"No," Derpy gasped. She flinched as the first bubble popped.

"You will tell me".

More bubbles exploded before Derpy's eyes.

"No stop" she cried, "no more, please, I'll do anything".

"Then tell me".

The door thudded open behind them as Trixie barged in. "That's enough Twilight, you've really gone too far now. It was me, okay?"

"You?" said Twilight, caught off guard by the intrusion.

"Yes, well who else could it have been?"

"Erm, can I go now then?" said Derpy, getting up to leave.

"Yes," said Trixie.

"No," snapped Twilight.

Derpy took a seat again and stared into the bubble wand, trying to figure out where the bubbles came from.

"Listen," said Trixie, advancing on Twilight, "I know this is a difficult time for you and everything, what with all that stuff about being stuck at the end of the universe, millions of years from civilisation, with no way of ever getting back home, or being able to perform your duties as princess, or see any of your friends, and I know that gets you down a little bit sometimes".

"It used to get me down," said Twilight, squaring up to her, "you don't know anything. I used to lie awake at night trying to understand why, after everything that's happened, I'm stuck out here. But now it all makes sense. This was the role I was always destined to play in the universe, and you're trying to take it away from me".

"No, I'm not Twilight, I promise. We're just worried about you. We're trying to help".

Twilight opened her mouth to reply, then paused for a moment in thought. "They'll be a thorough investigation into this conspiracy, and the guilty parties will be brought to justice".

Before Trixie could let out another exasperated sigh, a figure burst in, fully covered from head to hoof in a yellow biohazard disaster suit.

"Now there's no need to panic," said Doctor Whooves, removing his hood.

"Nopony is panicking," replied Trixie, "is there a reason to panic?"

"I just don't want to alarm any of you".

"Why, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said, rubbing his neck, "well, not yet anyway".

"Doctor," Twilight groaned, "if something is wrong, we need to know".

"Well you see, I kind of mixed two chemicals I shouldn't have. By the time I realised it was too late. Derpy normally helps label them you see and..."

"So what's going to happen?"

"There's a chance, just a remote chance, things might get, a bit explodey".

Twilight fired a scrutinising stare at the Doctor. "A bit, explodey?"

"Will this effect us?" asked Trixie.

"No, not really. As long as we are not inside the pod, or within a half a mile radius of it approximately four minutes from now".

"Then we need to evacuate," cried Twilight.

"The thought did occur to me," the Doctor replied, "but I checked the scanner, in the cockpit, and it's not safe. There are toxic storms in the area".

"Oh right, yeah". Twilight paced up and down. Her eyes flinched anxiously from side to side, conflict burning behind them. At last she stopped and cleared her throat. "About that. I may have, tampered with the scanner". She muttered the last part hurriedly, lowering her head.

"You did what?" Trixie cried out.

"I fixed the display, okay," shouted Twilight, stomping her hoof, "it was so you'd all spend more time in the pod being productive, instead of lazing around out there. It was for the good of the colony".

"We don't have time for this," said the Doctor, "everypony outside, now".

The three of them sprinted for the corridor. A few moments later the Doctor returned to retrieve Derpy, still entranced by the bubble wand.

For the first ten minutes the four of them stood rigidly. Eyes glued to the pod. Not blinking. Doctor Whooves on the edge of the zone he had deemed safe from the blast wave. The others several lengths back from it, not trusting his calculations for one moment. After those ten minutes it became harder to concentrate. They discussed what the next course of action should be if the pod were to blow up, mainly for something to do. Options were limited, since in the rush to escape they had left behind all food supplies, as well as Trixie's magic cloak, which she was quick to bemoan. After another half an hour, the only consensus they could reach was that things weren't going to get explodey after all.

"Wait, I've just had a thought," snapped the Doctor with agitation. He reached into a pocket on his biohazard suit and produced something long, purple and leafy.

"I don't recall that item being declared on your rations," Twilight said sternly.

"What is it Doc?" said Derpy.

"Oh Derpy I've made a terrible mistake. I thought the danger was inside. Instead it's out here, with us".

"What do you mean?" asked Trixie.

"We don't have time for this. Everypony back inside, now".

The Doctor made a charge towards the pod, the others in close pursuit. They were so out of breath, when the airlock finally closed behind them, that it was several minutes before any of them could speak.

"You've all been, exposed to toxic fumes," gasped the Doctor, struggling out of his biohazard suit, "how are you feeling?".

"I don't understand," said Trixie, "there were no toxic fumes. I thought the display was fixed".

"Exactly".

"Oh".

An expression of realisation flashed across the faces of the others.

"Probably should have checked it was really clear?" said Trixie.

"When working with chemicals, I always carry, a stick of celery," the Doctor explained, still wheezing, "it turns purple, when there are noxious gases, in the air".

"Really, how does that work?" said Twilight.

"I don't know. I'm not a Doctor of biology".

"What are you a Doctor of?"

"Listen, this is important". The ponies' breathing rates had now almost returned to normal, all except for the Doctor's. "I have a cybernetically enhanced immune system, vastly superior, which should, protect me. But I need to know. Are you experiencing any, symptoms. They might not show right away. But they could be anything, from tiredness," he let out a big yawn, "to loss of co-ordination," his legs shook and then collapsed from beneath him, sending him tumbling to the floor.

"You need help Doc," said Derpy.

"No, I'm fine," he spluttered, "I..." He burst into a fit of coughing.

"Doctor".

The Doctor lay in a crumpled heap. "It's alright. There may be a..."

"There may be a what? A cure?"

There was no reply.

"How is he now?" asked Twilight from the doorway.

They had managed to move Doctor Whooves to the sick bay, where he now lay, still unresponsive, with Derpy in the cramped space by his bedside. Trixie turned to Twilight and shook her head.

"You're going to be alright Doctor," said Derpy, leaning over him "we'll take care of you. Please be alright".

The Doctor gave her a wink.

"It's my fault," said Twilight.

Trixie stared at her. "You know what. It is your fault".

Twilight smiled back through gritted teeth. "Oh, so now it's my fault then, is it?"

"Yes, princess".

"Don't call me princess," snapped Twilight, "I mean, do call me princess, as that's my proper title, but don't say it like that".

"Well enjoy it while it lasts. It won't be your title for much longer. If you hadn't tampered with the scanner we'd have known it wasn't safe. If you hadn't removed Derpy from her duties as the Doctor's assistant, we might not have had to evacuate in the first place. Your actions put all of us at risk. You've proven grossly irresponsible as a leader. By my rights as a citizen, under article, erm, wait I remember this, article 11, yes, article 11 of the sovereignty act, I declare you have forfeited your rulership over this colony by negligence".

"I wasn't aware you knew so much about sovereignty law".

Trixie laughed awkwardly. "Well, you know how it is. You overhear things. Bits of gossip, sovereignty laws..."

"I see how it's going to be," said Twilight lowering her head, "but as the final act of my reign, let me try out a new cure-all medicine I've been working on, which might make the Doctor better. It's the least I can do. I've been experimenting with a mixture of rubidium and dihydrogen monoxide, which I believe will..."

"What?" the Doctor cut her off, leaping out of bed, "but rubidium is an alkali metal". He ran around the room, routing behind medical equipment, then under the bed, then lifting the covers. "Where is it? Twilight, what have you done?"

"A-ha," exclaimed Twilight, levelling her hoof at Doctor Whooves. "The miracle treatment. So good it works before it has even been administered".

The Doctor turned slowly to face her, rubbing his neck anxiously. "Ah yes, it seems as though I am feeling a little better now. That'll be my superior immune system kicking in".

"Oh really?"

"I think she's onto us Doc," Derpy whispered loudly, while leaning close to the Doctor.

"You don't say," commented Trixie.

"There never was any chemical accident in the laboratory was there?" said Twilight.

The other three ponies shook their heads.

"And I suppose you reset the radar, and made sure it was really safe to evacuate?"

"Er yes, that is precisely what I did, because that would have definitely been the sensible thing to do," answered the Doctor, "but how did you figure it out?"

"Well the whole celery thing arose my suspicions for a start. I thought I could trust you Doctor," Twilight snarled, pointing an accusing hoof, "you were supposed to be my personal guard. But all of you conspired against me. This is mutiny".

Long before any of them could formulate a reply, Twilight had stormed out of the room.

"By the way, article 11 dictates the catering arrangements in the event a royal summit is postponed by bad weather," said the Doctor, "article 15 is what you were looking for".

Trixie ignored him. "I'll go talk to her".

Even window staring had lost its appeal, Twilight had to admit, gazing out at the barren land. Back in her Ponyville castle, there had always been something to look at below. The pony who used to sit by the river, deep in thought with a notepad for an hour everyday, occasionally scrawling something only to immediately tear out the page in a fury. The griffon who would stand holding up placards warning that NIGHTMARE MOON WAS A HOAX and THE PARASPRITE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH, while ponies strolled by, continuing their daily business. Twilight had grown quite adept at pony-watching in her time. She wasn't obsessive about it of course, only keeping files of observations on about a third of the local residents, if that. Since being marooned, she had tried converting to rock-watching, but found it somehow was just not as engrossing.

"It's okay, you can come in," said Twilight, spotting Trixie's reflection, standing hesitantly by the door.

"I know I haven't made a royal appointment or whatever..." she started to say, cautiously advancing.

"I'm sorry about all that" Twilight replied, "I know I went too far".

"Listen, you can keep your rulership, but I think it's only reasonable you at least apologise for... wait, what?"

"I know things got out of hoof there"

"Well yes, that's an understatement".

"It's just so hard. For the first time in months it felt like I had a purpose again, my existence had meaning. Do you know what it's like to see the same barren landscape every time I look out of this window? How do you do it Trixie? How can you be so, carefree, all the time?"

"How can you not be so carefree?" replied Trixie, "we're millions of years from civilisation here, far out in the universe. Think about it. No rules, no responsibilities. You've just got to make the most of it and take things as they come".

Twilight turned away from the window and embraced her friend. "Thank you".

"What for?"

"For helping me. I never got to say".

Was that a blush Twilight caught just for a moment? Whatever it was, Trixie quickly snapped back into her rehearsed stage manner.

"It was the least the great and powerful Trixie could do, and besides," she leaned in close to Twilight, "you were going pretty crazy".

"But how did you find out about the scanner?"

"Why I mastered how to do an invisibility spell of course," declared Trixie with a theatrical gesture, "and caught your act of sabotage".

"No really though?" laughed Twilight.

"Do you doubt Trixie?"

Twilight glared at her.

Trixie huffed. "Okay, you win, it was the Doctor and his freaky invisible ink stuff. He used it to spy on you. Most of it was his idea actually".

Twilight stepped on the podium that had been hastily erected in the midsection of the pod, with the words NEW REPUBLICAN COLONY OF EQUESTRIA chiseled into the metal. Doctor Whooves and Trixie glared at one another, punctuating their frowns with the occasional unsettling smile or demoralising smirk, while Derpy looked straight ahead obliviously, her flag held aloft, bearing the caption Let Them Eat Muffins, and an illustration of said food product.

"Before we decide our first democratically elected leader, I'd like to give an opportunity for each candidate to come forward and answer questions. Derpy, would you like to start?"

"With respect, former princess," cut in Trixie, "wouldn't it be more prudent to focus on the serious candidates, who actually have a chance of winning, like Trixie for instance".

"I think you'll find what I have to say is far more important than what you have to say," countered the Doctor.

Twilight anxiously intervened. "Well how about the two of you come up together".

Begrudgingly they made their way to the podium. Before Twilight could ask a question, the Doctor was clearing his throat.

"I stand here before you as the only candidate you can truly rely on to put my best inter- I mean your best interests first. I firmly believe the security of the colony is number one priority, and as such we must protect ourselves from any potentially hostile alien life. Some aliens, I assume, are good, but others will bring their crime, pollution and poor hygiene into this colony, which is a serious problem we cannot allow".

"This is coming from the pony who crashed this pod, irreparably damaging the time drive, and whose experiments have now directly endangered the colony on two previous occasions. Do you really want a pony like that in charge of our security, not to mention our medical care, our sanitation?"

"Because you'd be in quarantine," the Doctor retorted.

Trixie put on her best unfazed expression, though her eye twitch was hard to conceal. "There is an alternative. Vote Lunamoon, for a glorious era of great and powerful leadership".

"Thank you Trixie. If the candidates are now finished speaking..."

"I'm not finished," said Trixie.

"If the candidates are now finished speaking," Twilight repeated, you may now proceed to the polling station, which you will find in the cockpit".

The glaring match continued as one by one each of the ponies slipped behind the curtain. Once this was completed, it was Twilight's job, as the impartial fourth party, to do the counting, much to the annoyance of the others.

"What's taking so long?" said the Doctor, "there are only four of us".

"There can't afford to be any mistake," said Twilight, sifting the polling cards once more, "imagine the scandal if the results were unrepresentative".

"But you've been rechecking them for half an hour now".

"I take it you won't be demanding a recount when you lose?" Trixie teased.

"Certainly not," replied the Doctor, "I would accept defeat with dignity, not that it will be necessary".

"Okay then". Twilight stood up to podium once more. "I can now announce that first ever elected leader of New Republican Colony of Equestria will be..."

Trixie tensed her body, ready to leap up in celebration, while the Doctor cleared his throat, mentally running over the inauguration speech he'd prepared.

"Derpy Hooves, of the muffin party".

"What?!" Everypony turned to see Derpy waving her flag gleefully.