Things Could Be Worse

by Cold in Gardez

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 5598

Twilight discovers a new breed of Poison Joke. Its effects are not what she expected.

Is there anything more fun than exploring the Everfree Forest with your friends, discovering new plant species, practicing Field Botany, and contributing to the natural sciences? Not if you’re Twilight Sparkle!
Alas, even the best field studies go wrong. Now Twilight is on the run, intoxicated with Poison Joke. Can her friends save her before she does something she’ll regret?
Probably not.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-05 02:44:02 UTC

It Could Be Worse

Somewhere in the Everfree Forest

The high summer sun beat down mercilessly on the forest canopy. Shafts of light pierced the foliage all around them, sparkling with a million motes of dust and pollen. The vast forest stretched out in all directions, choked with vines and tangles and thorns and brambles and pitfalls and quicksand and ceiling crocodiles and every other hazard known to ponykind.

Applejack was sure some of the vines were moving. She edged away from a particularly fierce looking specimen choking a nearby tree to death. It was thick as her hoof and gravid with wicked thorns, each oozing with menace.

Ah, the Everfree. Such a wonderful place, and so close to home. She took a few steps closer to her companions.

“Are we lost?” Spike asked. It was at least the fifth time he'd asked the question in the past hour.

“We are most certainly not lost, Spike. As I have said before.” Rarity peered at the map floating in front of her. She squinted, gazed at the endless expanse, then squinted again. Her horn glowed as she rotated the map ninety degrees. “I'm just not quite sure where we are, is all.”

“So we're lost.”

“Sometimes, Spike, I suspect you have no faith in my abilities.” Rarity sniffed self-consciously, then turned the map again. “Now, then. Moss grows on the north side of trees, right Applejack?”

Applejack glanced at a nearby oak. A massive, cancerous growth of moss had completely consumed its trunk, most of its roots, many of the branches, and even some of the leaves. As she watched, the ichorous mass began inching toward them.

“Usually,” she said.

“Excellent.” Rarity flipped the map again. “I know exactly where we are.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow.

“Can I see the map, Rarity?” Spike asked.

“For the last time, Spike, I am the navigator,” Rarity stomped a hoof. “Did you get an orienteering badge in Filly Scouts? Somehow, I doubt—”

“Shh!” Applejack interrupted what was likely to be a lengthy harangue. “I think I hear something!”

The three of them froze. A legion of cicadas rattled intermittently in the distance. Above them, leaves rustled in a weak breeze. Applejack was about to apologize when she heard something large and fast crashing through the underbrush toward them. They turned toward the sound, ready to fight or flee or beg not to be eaten, depending on whatever horror was about to beset them.

A moment later, the brush parted, and Twilight Sparkle stumbled to a halt. Her mane was in frantic disarray, with errant strands poking this way and that, more like a bird's nest than hair. Her eyes were wide and wild, and she looked at them with a huge, uneven smile.

“Oh, thank Celestia!” Rarity said. “Twilight, you had us so worried. We've been looking for—”

“Pnsflwv! Avsytescv slwot'dfw anybzok! Drakbog!” Twilight reached behind her and grabbed a bullfrog perched on her back, then flung it toward them. It sailed a few feet before flopping to the ground. After a moment, it righted itself and sat on the forest floor, apparently unperturbed by its rough treatment.

“Scnm'ot! Aplogyt! Drakbog!” So saying, Twilight turned tail and ran. She made it a few feet before stumbling over a rotting log, tripped, rolled around in the leaves, and finally stood back up before vanishing into the thick underbrush again.

Applejack stared at the hole in the vegetation left by Twilight's passage. The entire thing had taken less than ten seconds.

“That... that was Twilight, right?” Rarity asked. She looked as stunned as Applejack felt.

Only Spike seemed unfazed. “See, I told you she was crazy.”

Applejack looked down at the bullfrog. It stared back at her with its beady eyes, and eventually it turned and hopped away into the forest.

Three hours earlier...

“Thanks again for coming out here, Fluttershy,” Twilight Sparkle said. She was still giddy with excitement. Exploring the Everfree! Learning! With a friend! She adjusted her pith helmet and pushed forward through the thick vegetation. “It's been years since anypony conducted a comprehensive botanical survey of a previously unexplored biome!”

“Oh, um, you're very welcome, Twilight.” Fluttershy glanced around the forest. “I think you should try to be a little quieter, though. If that's alright with you.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea,” Spike whispered in her ear. He was perched on her back like usual, but he seemed almost as nervous as Fluttershy. Probably something to do with his last experience in the Everfree, Twilight reasoned.

“Relax, you two. It's the middle of the day.” Twilight pushed aside another set of vines with her magic, revealing a wide clearing. She gasped in delight and charged forward, nosing at each of the plants and flowers and saplings that called it home. “Fluttershy, look! Swamp roses, common blueberries, bittersweet nightshade... ooh, what's this one?” She nudged a small bush with her hoof. Its dozens of spindly branches ended in tiny pods, from each of which dangled several green tendrils that flowed oddly in the breeze.

“That's a spiderbramble,” Fluttershy said. “Please be careful, it can bite.”

“Oh.” Twilight jerked her head back. “You mean it can sting?”

“Um, no, it bites. And that one looks hungry.”

Twilight took a slow, careful step back. This is the Everfree, she reminded herself. Not everything is as it seems here.

“Ooh, blueberries!” Spike said. “Twilight, can I?”

“Huh?” Twilight didn't even look up from the spiderbramble. It seemed to be reaching for her with its tendrils. Amazing! A perfect subject for her next essay in Field Botany Today. “Yeah, sure. Go for it.”

Spike hopped off her back and pattered around the clearing, plucking wild blueberries growing in the boggy part of the clearing. He popped a few in his mouth and collected the rest in a bag. Fluttershy followed along as Twilight interrogated the various plants offering an occasional bit of advice or warning: “Um, careful, that's poisonous. That's poisonous too, if you don't mind. That one's also poisonous, but it's not mean at all. Oh, that one causes a rash if you touch it. No, that one's poisonous. That one's not poisonous, but the caterpillars living on it are.”

Twilight stopped at the last one. “Really? Poisonous caterpillars?”

“Oh, yes, Many caterpillars are poisonous.” Fluttershy held out a hoof and let the tiny, fuzzy worm crawl onto it from a leaf. “It's very bad for the birdies to eat these.”

Twilight reached out her hoof to the plant. None of the caterpillars crawled onto it. She frowned at them. Stupid caterpillars.

“Hey, neat, caterpillars,” Spike said. “Oh, blueberry?” He held up a clawful of the tiny fruits to Twilight.

“Why, thank you Spike!” She grabbed a hoofful and tossed them back. Delicious!

“Good, aren't they? Want some, Fluttershy?” He held the remaining berries out to her.

“Oh, that's very nice of you, Spike.” She peered at the berries closely, then gave a timid little frown. “Not all of those are blueberries, though.”

There was a long silence. Twilight stopped chewing. Spike peered at the berries in his claws.

“Uh... they aren't?”

“No,” Fluttershy said. “See the bigger ones? Those are Poison Joke berries. You should probably put them down.”

He did. Immediately.

The delicious taste of blueberries in Twilight's mouth was starting to fade, replaced by a metallic tang. Is this what fear tastes like? I bet it is. “Fluttershy, are Poison Joke berries... uh, poisonous?”

“Um...” Fluttershy ground her hoof into the soil and looked away. “Yes?”

“Uh, Twilight? You don't look so good.” Spike took a step back.

No, I don't look good. Because my Number One assistant just poisoned me. She gave him a scowl, then turned to Fluttershy. Her coat felt hot, and beads of sweat began running down her sides. “Like, how poisonous are we talking?”

Fluttershy ducked her head, hiding under her bangs. “Oh, um, it's probably best not to ask. The important thing is not to panic.”

Don't panic. Everything is perfectly fine. Do not panic. She took a deep breath and let out a shaky laugh. This was actually rather funny, from a certain perspective. One day she would look back at this and laugh. Blueberries! Ha! A bit of her mane broke away from the rest, poking out at an odd angle. “Right, don't panic. What if that's not an option?”

“Well, we should write a letter to Princess Celestia and tell her what a bad field botanist you've been,” Fluttershy said with a frown. She pulled a writing desk out of her mane and set it on the ground. “Spike, do you have a paper and quill?”

“Of course, I carry them with me.” He handed the writing implements over. “Be sure to mention that Twilight stayed up past her bedtime reading last night.”

“No! You can't!” Twilight fell to her knees. Something about this seemed very odd, but that could wait. Far more important was to stop Fluttershy from writing that letter! “Please! I'll be good! I won't eat any more berries!”

“It's too late, I've already written the letter.” Fluttershy held up a ream of paper, crammed with her tiny, neat hoofwriting. “I also included everything you've done wrong since you came to Ponyville. I think she'll be very disappointed in you.”

“Very disappointed,” Spike echoed. He shook his head sadly.

Oh Celestia! Twilight rose to her hooves. Sweat poured from her body. “Please, Fluttershy! Don't send it! The berries!” Right, the berries. Something about the berries was important. It danced at the tip of her mind, but was lost in the clamorous terror of Celestia reading about her many failures as a student.

“Oh, I want to believe you, Twilight, but I'm actually a secret agent sent by Princess Celestia to report on your progress,” Fluttershy said. “Your very minimal progress. Spike, would you mind?”

“Of course.” He accepted the thick packet of paper and breathed on it. A wash of green flame incinerated the pages in an instant, leaving a trail of smoke that zipped high into the air on its journey to Canterlot. Twilight grasped at it with her hooves, but found no purchase on it.

“Nooooo!” she cried. “How could you?”

“Don't worry, Twilight. Everything will be fine,” Nightmare Moon said. Twilight blinked at her in confusion. Hadn't they defeated her? “Once Celestia realizes what a bad student you've been, you can come and live on the moon with me. You could be, like, my personal butler, or something. You know, a position that doesn't require critical thinking skills.”

“Maybe a janitor?” Spike suggested. “That's an easy job.”

“Or a gardener,” Fluttershy said.

“We don't have gardens on the moon, dear,” Nightmare Moon said. They were ignoring Twilight now, as she cowered between them. “Perhaps we could make a rock garden, though? We have lots of rocks!”

“Oh, I was afraid this would happen!” Twilight's mother said. She raised a hoof to wipe away a tear. Fluttershy patted her back gently. “We always knew she would be a failure!”

“There there, dear,” Twilight's father said. “It's not your fault. It's all Twilight's fault.”

“What? No!” Twilight spun in a circle. Her coat felt like it was on fire. “It's the berries' fault! The berries!”

“How can you blame your problems on innocent little fruits?” Nightmare Moon demanded. “Look, you're making them cry!” She pointed a hoof at the berries still littering the forest floor. Indeed, tiny little tears leaked from them, and the faint sound of sobs filled the air.

“She makes me cry too, sometimes,” Spike added.

“No, this... it's not my fault! Not my fault!” She had to get away. Any moment now Celestia would arrive and disown her, and then she would be sent back to Magic Kindergarten. She couldn't do that, not again! Not ever again!

“I won't go back! You can't make me!” she shouted at them. Before they could catch her, she turned and galloped into the forest.

“Fsyvnt osfcsy qyzvys! Mnsest ablop'mn es awg!” Twilight shouted at them. Before Spike or Fluttershy could catch her, she turned and galloped into the forest.

For a long moment, neither of them moved. In the distance, the sound of the cicadas resumed, filling the air with their buzz.

Eventually, Spike sighed. “Darn it, not again.”

Twilight ran farther than she had ever run before; she ran until her legs wobbled like noddles, until her lungs felt like they would rupture, until her heart threatened to burst from her chest. She ran at least 200 yards. Maybe even 300.

Stupid lack of athletic conditioning.

“Okay, Twilight. Think.” She said between gasps. “You can fix this. You can fix anything!” She giggled at the thought, and another lock of her mane sprang away from the rest. When her breath had returned, she set off deeper into the forest at a more sedate pace.

“You can live out here! Why, nature will be your classroom!” She turned in a circle, gazing at the rich expanse of learning all around her. “Professor Twilight Sparkle, of the Everfree University! Ponies will come from everywhere to hear your lectures on the effect of evapotranspiration on air temperatures at the canopy level! When Celestia hears what a wonderful student you are, she'll beg to have you back!”

Around her, the forest babbled its agreement. Trees whispered their secrets to her. The wind submitted an application to study by her side. A family of deer paused to ask for her autograph.

This wasn't so bad, she realized. It might be a little rough living out in the forest, but animals did it. Animals did it, and what did they know? Animals didn't score in the ninety-ninth percentile on arithmetic and reasoning. Animals didn't have extensive experience with magical field theory.

“Do you have a graduate degree in applied mathematics?” she demanded of a squirrel perched on a branch beside her. It cowered away, then darted up the tree. “Didn't think so,” she muttered under her breath.

Everything was going to be just fine.

“So wait. You're telling me Twilight ate some poisonous berries, and now she's acting like a mad mare and jabbering nonsense and running around the Everfree Forest by herself?” Applejack peered at them. Seated beside her at the cafe table, Rarity seemed equally dubious.

“Uh, yeah,” Spike said. “That's about it.”

They glanced at Fluttershy. She nodded in silent agreement.

“Well, that sort of thing does happen to her fairly often,” Rarity said. “What do you think, Applejack?”

Applejack sighed. “I think,” she said, “I'm supposed to be at the farm, helping my brother with the harvest. But we can't just let her run around by herself in the Everfree. Fluttershy, why don't you see if Zecora can whip up another batch of that Poison Joke cure thingie, while we go round up Twilight?”

“Um, okay. Be careful, though. She's not acting like herself.”

“Eh, can't be too bad.” Applejack waved a hoof dismissively. “C'mon you two, let's go get her.”

“Ooh, ooh! I call navigator!” Rarity danced on her hooves in delight. “I got an orienteering badge in Filly Scouts!”

“Heh, alright, lead the way, girl,” Applejack said. She stood, adjusted her Stetson hat, and followed a few steps behind the unicorn. Spike hopped on her back as she passed him.

“Isn't the forest in the other direction?” he whispered in her ear.

“Yeah, I hate to burst her bubble, though,” Applejack whispered back. “She doesn't get to be navigator very often.”

Twilight trudged through the dismal marsh, ignoring the muck on her legs and the cloud of mosquitoes buzzing around outside the magical shield she had erected. Every few seconds one would get a bit too close, and *ZAP*, there was one less mosquito in the Everfree Forest. She stopped on a mound of floating vegetation, and gazed around at her empire. Towering cyprus trees rose like pillars from the ooze, supported by massive buttress roots that splayed about for dozens of yards. Curtains of moss hung from the branches, swaying gently in the faint wind. A cathedral-like hush filled the air as the swamp slumbered in the heat of the day.

It was perfect.

Over there, by the alligator, that's where she would put the bursar's office. The small clearing to her left, where the ground was somewhat firmer, would be a perfect spot for the lecture hall. She could already imagine ponies lounging around the quadrangle, deep in their books. Look, over there! A group was playing hackey sack! She hissed at their lazy waste of study time.

But they didn't matter. She turned to face the crown jewel of her university: The Library. Bigger than her little tree in Ponyville, bigger than the library in Canterlot, bigger even than Princess Celestia's entire castle, the university library towered above the trees like a boulder among blades of grass. Wings the size of city blocks held millions of tomes dedicated to history, the sciences, literature, magical theory, mathematics, literature, and every other subject of importance! An entire archive was dedicated to her personal correspondence with the princess! A small broom closet in the back held the philosophy section! Yes! Yes!

“Yes...” she mumbled. “Oh, Twilight, your library is so big...”

She would have gone on imagining her happy future in the Everfree for quite some time, had not an interruption broken her reverie. A quiet croaking filled the air, followed by a deep voice. “Twilight... Twilight...”

She spun around. “Who's there! Are you a student! Show yourself”

“Over here, Twilight,” the voice replied. She turned, but saw nothing. “Down here. Okay, now left. No, your left. Your other left. Down a bit more.”

Twilight gasped. Perched upon a mouldering log was a bullfrog, but not just any bullfrog. Its slimy skin glittered with golden flakes in the dim shadows of the forest. Huge eyes, endlessly deep and full of wisdom, gazed at her. A faint halo surrounded its body, and atop its head was a finely wrought platinum circlet.

“Greetings, Twilight Sparkle,” the glorious frog said. Its voice sounded in her mind, though its mouth never moved. “I am Drakbog, King of Frogs. Welcome to my marsh.”

“Your majesty!” She bowed in deep respect. “I apologize for trespassing. I did not know this was your kingdom.”

“You have nothing to fear, Twilight Sparkle. I foresaw your coming, and I know of your plans to build the greatest university in the world. I will be glad to gift you my land, for such an ambitious dream.”

“You will!?” Her heart soared. “You are too kind, your majesty. I will name any building you wish in your honor.”

“Very good,” Drakbog said. “Tell me, how do frogs assist in the teaching of ponies?”

“Oh, um...” Twilight thought back to her days in school...

“Okay, class,” Miss Forceps said. “Today we begin our lesson on animal physiology. Everyone grab a frog from the tank and turn to page 32 in your biology text.

Little Twilight Sparkle looked down at the frog on her tray. “Sorry, buddy, but this is for science!” Her scalpel glowed as she lifted it into the air...

“Musical theory,” Twilight said. “Frogs help us learn musical theory.”

“Excellent. Name your Fine Arts Performing Hall for me, Twilight, and all this land shall be yours.”

Whew. Twilight gave the frog king her best grin. “It shall be done, your majesty. Now, do you know any good contractors who are willing to—”

“Hold, Twilight Sparkle!” Drakbog interrupted. “I sense intruders! Yes, I sense ponies chasing you, coming to ruin your dreams!”

“Oh no! They followed me!” Cold despair washed over Twilight. “What do we do?”

“We must travel to the center of the forest, and petition the Evertree for its protection!” Drakbog said. “He will drive away our enemies and make the forest safe for your university!”

“Zcyas'sv ovwdvy, spwotgh svl agh meh!” Twilight shouted. She leaned down, grabbed the unlucky bullfrog in her mouth, and tossed it on her back.

“Azvyej!” That said, she charged off into the marsh, splashing water every which way. Within moments, the swamp had grown still, and there was nothing to indicate a unicorn had ever been there at all.

“Are we lost?”

Applejack gave him a worried glance. They were both thinking it. Spike just happened to be the first one to say it.

“Of course not, darling,” Rarity said with a sniff. “Really, do you have so little confidence in my abilities?”

Yes. “No. I just want to make sure we find Twilight.”

“We'll find her soon, I'm sure.” Rarity frowned at her map. “The Everfree is south of town, correct?”

“You know, sug, there's a road that leads right to the forest,” Applejack said. “We don't even need to use the map.”

“Pfft, roads,” Rarity said the word like it was an insult. “A true outdoorsmare strikes her own path through the woods, Applejack. Stick with me, and I'll show you how to track down—ooh, careful, there's a bit of mud there. Ugh, I almost stepped in it. Anyway, to answer your question, Spike, we're not lost.”

“Right.” Applejack shook her head, and followed in Rarity's path.

* * *

“Careful, Twilight,” Drakbog said. “Your enemies have laid an ambush nearby. I fear they mean to capture us and prevent you from ever creating your glorious university.”

She hissed. “Never! We'll stop them!”

“Yes, we will. Up ahead, you see that clearing! They are in there waiting for us. Let us get closer.”

Twilight crouched low to the ground. Her belly brushed the dark soil as she crept closer to her foes. Only a ring of trees and a few bushes separated them now. She could hear their voices, soft and sibilant and full of menace, just a few feet away.

“What should we do?” she whispered. A nervous slithery tendril wound around her heart, and she began to sweat again.

“I have magical powers, Twilight,” Drakbog said. “I will distract them, while you continue toward the Evertee.”

“But what about you, your highness? Will you be safe?”

“Never fear for me, Twilight,” he croaked. “No matter what you hear, run! Run for the tree!”

Right. Run for the tree. Twilight took a deep breath, centered herself, and charged toward the clearing. She burst through the thin vines separating herself from her pursuers, and stumbled to a halt.

They were back! Nightmare Moon! Her Parents! Fluttershy, Celestia's secret agent! They stared at her with grim intensity and readied their nets.

“You'll never take me alive!” she shouted. “Drakbog, destroy them!”

Drakbog leapt from her back in an astounding display of froggy acrobatics. He flipped through the air and landed before them, his throat sack swelling with malice as he prepared his incantations.

She didn't stick around for the battle; instead she turned and ran back to the forest, just as he had instructed. A log tripped her, but quick as a cat she rolled to her feet and vanished back into the woods. Behind her, she heard the rising pitch of battle as Drakbog, King of Frogs, fought her enemies.

“See, I told you she was crazy,” Spike said.

Applejack looked down at the bullfrog. It stared back at her with its beady eyes, and eventually it turned and hopped away into the forest.

“Well, that was a little odd,” Rarity said. “What do we do now?”

“I guess we go after her,” Applejack said. “I can tie her up nice and tight, then we just have to hike back to town.”

“What if she has more frogs, though?” Rarity danced in place. “I don't want to get frog slime on my coat. Ugh, they're so disgusting!”

“You shouldn't say bad things about frogs, Rarity,” Fluttershy said. They spun around to stare at her in shock. “Um, unless you want to, that is.”

“Fluttershy? When did you get here?” Spike asked.

“Oh, I've been with you for twenty minutes or so. I just didn't want to say anything because you all looked so busy.”

“Did you get the potion?” Applejack asked.

Fluttershy nodded and stuck her snout into her saddlebags, emerging a moment later with a small glass vial in her mouth. The thick liquid sloshed sluggishly inside, sparkling with flecks of blue and silver and gold.

“Great.” Applejack trotted to the hole in the foliage Twilight had made. “She can't have gotten very far, and she should be pretty easy to track. She's kinda clumsy and all.”

“Ooh, ooh!” Rarity pranced forward. “Finally, a chance to use my tracking badge! Come on girls! And Spike!” With that she vanished into the thick brush.

Applejack sighed. Come to think of it, she didn't remember seeing Rarity on any of her Filly Scouts trips. Before she could follow that thought any further, Fluttershy and Spike vanished into the hole. She signed and followed.

Twilight trudged through mud. She set her shoulder against the ripping winds. She braved the blustering summer snows. When, years later, she emerged from the endless sand wastes of the Everfree Desert, she beheld in wonder the towering colossus that stood at the center of the forest. It was a tree beyond description, a veritable tower of life and power. It was, it was...

It was the Evertree.

She climbed over roots taller than she was. Pieces of bark the size of boulders littered the grassy landscape around her. Leaves like umbrellas drifted down from its heights. The faint hum of magic throbbed within its truck. She felt herself drawn to it like iron to a lodestone.

“Oh, great tree!” she cried as she braced her forehooves against its rough surface. “I have traveled far and wide to seek your aid!”

The wind blew harder, and the Evertree’s branches groaned high above her. A deep, sonorous rumble shook the earth, and in its vibrations she heard the tree's answer.

SPEAK, TWILIGHT SPARKLE.

“I have been cast out by ponykind! I must build a university here in your forest, but my enemies seek to capture me and return me to magical kindergarten! Can you aid me?”

YES, TWILIGHT SPARKLE. I HAVE HEARD TALES OF YOUR BRAVERY, AND WHAT A WONDERFUL STUDENT YOU ARE. TRULY, YOU ARE THE BEST STUDENT EVER, AND NO ONE CARES THAT YOU STAYED UP PAST YOUR BEDTIME READING.

“R-really?” Twilight's lip trembled, and her eyes began to water. “You mean it?”

OF COURSE. YOU CAN READ WHENEVER YOU LIKE. AND ALL THE PONIES WHO CALLED YOU AN EGGHEAD IN SCHOOL WERE STUPID. NOW, TELL ME OF THIS UNIVERSITY YOU SEEK TO BUILD.

Twilight fell to her haunches, struck by the awesome wisdom of the Evertree. Never before had she encountered such an insightful being. She opened her mouth again, and began to speak.

“Ytvsl'sc ofaw, pnyssw ad czelx,” Twilight said to the modest maple standing in the center of the clearing. A few curious birds peered down at her from its branches. “Poienv werlkjv oienxpa woanv! Neosw!”

She paused and tilted her head. After a few moments, she nodded at the tree and continued.

“Owenav oenw spvnm...”

“Are you sure she went this way, Rarity?”

Rarity looked up briefly from her tracking efforts to scowl at Applejack. “Darling, I told you, I know exactly what I'm doing. They don't give out tracking badges to just anypony, you know!”

Applejack sighed. Things had started well, with Rarity leading them down a blindingly obvious path of broken branches, hoofprints, and tangles of dark purple hair stuck in twigs. After a few dozen feet, however, she had broken from the trail, and struck off in a seemingly random direction.

“Yes, so you said. But are you sure this is the right direction?”

“Positive.” Rarity peered down at the mud. “See? There's a hoofprint!”

Fluttershy floated forward and gave the impression a quick glance. “Um, Rarity, that's a cougar print.”

Rarity squinted. “Are you certain? It looks a lot like a hoofprint to me.”

Fluttershy nodded. “Um, yes. See, there's another print. And there's the cougar that left it.” She waved at a cougar perched on a log a dozen feet in front of them. “Hello there, little one.”

The cougar meowed.

“Oh.” Rarity stared at the cat with wide eyes and slowly backed away. The others followed, and soon they found themselves back on the path Twilight had left. Applejack sighed quietly.

“Rarity, I was thinking,” she said. “I don't remember seeing you in any of my Filly Scouts trips or classes.”

“Of course not, dear. I went to Unicorn Filly Scouts.”

“...Unicorn Filly Scouts?”

Rarity nodded. “Yes. It's mostly in classrooms, but we took a field trip to the park, once.”

Applejack sighed again.

“You know, I think I hear something,” Spike said. He stood up on Applejack's back, tilting his ear to the wind. “It sounds like... some crazy pony babbling.”

The others froze and listened. Off in the distance, they could hear the odd broken cadence on the wind. It wasn't far. As one, they turned down the path, and followed the sound.

...WELL, IF YOU LIKE HIM THAT MUCH, YOU SHOULD ASK HIM OUT. HE WILL SEE HOW BEAUTIFUL AND BRAVE YOU ARE, AND HE WON'T LAUGH AT YOU OR TELL HIS FRIENDS THAT YOU ARE A NERD.

“You... you really think so?” Twilight gazed up at the tree in hopeful wonder. “But what if he says no?”

THEN IT'S HIS LOSS. WHY, IF I WERE A PONY, I WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO... HOLD, TWILIGHT! I HEAR ENEMIES APPROACHING! YOU MUST STOP THEM WHILE I COMPLETE THE SPELL THAT WILL BANISH THEM FOREVER!

Twilight spun around. In the distance she could see the mob of ponies approaching. Nightmare Moon, Fluttershy, her brother, thousands of changelings, that one unicorn in magical kindergarten who stuck gum in her hair! She growled and readied her destructive magics.

* * *

They broke through the final barrier to the clearing, and gasped at the sight before them. Twilight Sparkle stood with her back pressed against a tree, her eyes wide and filled with a manic light. Her horn began to glow...

Some time later...

Applejack coughed and tried to sit up. She was covered in a layer of soot, some of which still seemed to be on fire. She brushed the burning embers away and looked around.

The forest was mostly gone. Hundreds of charred stumps stretched out in all directions like tombstones. Ash fell like snow. The acrid scent of fire and death filled her nostrils.

“Spike? Rarity? Fluttershy?” She called. Beside her, she heard a groan.

“Ugh, here, darling.” Rarity's head poked out from a mound of sooty branches. Dark streaks marred her coat, now transformed a dingy gray. “Did... did we get her?”

Applejack turned in a circle. There, in the center of what had been the clearing, a single tree stood untouched by the destruction all around. Beneath its cover sat Twilight Sparkle, who seemed to be gagging on something. An apologetic-looking Fluttershy patted her gently on the back.

“Ugh!” Twilight tried to spit something up, without any luck. “Fluttershy, what was that?”

“Um, Poison Joke cure?” Fluttershy ducked her head. “Sorry, but I think you needed it.”

“Darn right you did, sug.” Applejack trotted up to them, brushing the last of the ash from her Stetson hat. “That was some amazing flying there, Fluttershy. Why, I bet even Rainbow Dash couldn't have done that.”

“Oh, it was nothing much.” Fluttershy blushed and tried to hide beneath her bangs.

“Don't sell yourself short, darling,” Rarity said as she trotted up. A singed Spike sat on her back with a frown on his face. “Without you, Twilight would still be acting crazy.”

“Right, sorry about all that.” Twilight looked around at the remains of the forest. “Also, we should probably leave before anypony asks what happened here.”

Applejack took the lead in getting back to Ponyville. Rarity followed in the rear, making the occasional snide comment. In just a few minutes they were past the burned clearing, and deep within the dark confines of the Everfree Forest once again.

“So, what was it like being insane?” Spike asked.

Twilight thought for a moment. “You know, it's like dreaming. You can never tell when you're insane! I suggest not eating Poison Joke berries, though.”

They continued in silence after that. The trees passed quickly by them. Leaves and vines bent out of their way, as though the forest were eager to be done with them.

Hey, this looks familiar. Twilight stopped, eliciting a disgruntled yelp when Rarity ran into her rump. “Wait, this is the clearing! This is where Spike found the Poison Joke!” Indeed, in the center of the clearing sat a dozen tiny berries, laying where Spike had dropped them.

“Whew, we must be almost home, then,” Spike said. “Careful not to touch those.”

Applejack squinted at them. “They look like blueberries.”

Twilight nodded. “They look very similar. Fluttershy said the Poison Joke berries are the big ones.”

They crowded around the fallen berries. Applejack sniffed at the larger ones.

“Oh, actually, I may have been wrong,” Fluttershy said. “I think those are just slightly larger than normal blueberries.” She bent down and grabbed one in her mouth, chewed it, and swallowed. “Um, yes, it's just a blueberry.”

There was an awkward silence. They stared at the blueberries, then turned to Twilight.

“So...” Twilight cleared her throat. “Not Poison Joke?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “Um, no. Sorry about that.”

“Oh, heh. Well, I guess I owe everypony an apology, then.” Twilight grinned nervously. They were all staring at her, except for Fluttershy, who was also blushing. “So, uh... icecream? My treat!”