Scootaloo Goes to Heck

by MaverickVox

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Scootaloo, Adventure, Random, Dark, Original Character
Length: 5999

Clerical Errors can really screw up your (after)life.

Due to a clerical error, everyone's favorite Cutie Mark Crusadering Pegasus Filly accidentally dies and goes to Heck. It kind of sucks for her, but there is some hope for her to return to the world of the living, and she doesn't have to turn into a zombie to do it, either! With the help of a mysterious and badly-designed Alicorn OC, can she make her way to meet the King of Heck and plead her case to return to life?

This is just a dumb idea I got from a combination of Mario Romhacks and too much chocolate milk. Labeled as "Dark" due to a death, but it's more of a silly comedy.

Vector in the Cover Image by starwarsmike1 ( http://starwarsmike1.deviantart.com/#/d4g7mlx )

Published 2012-08-06 01:14:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-13 18:46:26 UTC

To Heck...

“Okay, girls,” Scootaloo said to the other Cutie Mark Crusaders. “Prepare to witness the greatest scooter stunt of all time!”

“Doesn’t this seem dangerous?” Sweetie Belle whispered.

“Aw, quit your belly achin’!” Apple Bloom replied. “Nothing can possibly go wrong!”

~CRUNCH!~

“SCOOTALOO!”

***

An instrumental version of “The Girl from Iponyma” woke the little pegasus up from her apparent slumber. She appeared to be in a waiting room of some kind, perhaps a doctor’s office.

“Ugh... I must have hit my head pretty hard.” She got up and examined the room. There was nopony else around, but there was a window with a bell. She rang the bell, and a bored-looking mare slid into view.

“Name?” she asked.

“Uh, Scootaloo.”

“Just a moment.” The mare pulled out a file folder labeled with the current date. She flipped through the pages for a bit, before tossing the folder aside and pushing a button. “Front Desk to Head Office.”

A voice came from thin air. “Head Office, go ahead.”

“We’ve got a young filly here who wasn’t on schedule.”

“Okay, I’m coming down.”

The mare nodded and put on a mask. She handed a smaller one to Scootaloo. “Put this on. Things could get messy.”

Scootaloo had barely gotten them on before a thick black smoke began to fill the room. She heard what she thought was a deep and bellowing laugh, but it quickly turned into a hacking cough. Some flapping wings cleared the smoke away, and Scootaloo saw a pure black Alicorn stallion with a stark red mane and strange white markings all over his body. Simply put, he was the ugliest pony she’d ever seen.

He retched. “We have got to get some ventilation in here.” He turned to the receptionist. “So, an unscheduled reaping of a filly?”

“Yes sir.”

He nodded and turned to Scootaloo. “What’s your name?”

“Scootaloo.” She was confused, but cooperative.

“Where are you from?”

“Ponyville.”

He turned back to the receptionist. “Who was assigned to that district today, Dolores?”

“That would be Trevor, sir.”

He let out a loud groan. “That idiot! I want him in my office as soon as he gets back!”

“Um, excuse me,” Scootaloo interrupted, “but would somepony tell me what’s going on?”

“Well, okay,” the Alicorn said. “There’s no way to put this delicately, Scootaloo, but you’re dead.”

“WHAT?!”

“Yeah, and it looks like you’re not supposed to be dead. At least not for another....” His horn glowed and scanned the filly. “Wow, 78 years! You’ve got a good life ahead of you.”

“What life?! I’m DEAD!” she screamed.

“Oh, yeah, aside from that. You drink coffee?”

“I’m a filly!”

“Right, right. No coffee. I’m Dave, by the way.”

“Dave?”

“Yeah. Celestia’s 43rd cousin, 18 times removed. Head of Souls and Soul Management.”

Scootaloo just looked at him, shocked. She briefly forgot about her predicament. “Princess Celestia has cousins?!”

“Where do you think that idiot Blueblood came from?” He shook his head. “Anyway, this is a rare problem. Come in my office and we’ll figure something out.”

“We’re not gonna use the smoke thing, are we?”

“No, my office is right over there.” Dave pointed to a door labeled “Head Office.”

“Then why did you--? Never mind.” Scootaloo followed him into his office, where he was scanning various books.

“No, no, why do I have this?” He finally found a useful document, but he quickly shut it. “Ah, crud vapors.”

“What?”

“The only pony who can return you to life is Cousin Terry, current King of Heck.”

“Terry? Heck?” Scootaloo was even more confused as Dave levitated a crescent-shaped apparatus to his ear and pressed some buttons. She stared at the device before Dave put his hoof over the mouth end.

“Telephone,” he said. “It’ll be a couple of years before anypony figures this one out.” After a moment, his attention was fully on the phone. “Hello, Terry? Dave here, we got a little snafu here. … Yeah, little orange pegasus filly who’s not supposed to be here. … Yeah, I know, Trevor’s a worse screw-up than Bluey. … So when can we see you? … 34 years?! … Paperwork?! … I told you, I would’ve helped you with your expense reports! … Okay, is there any way she can see you faster? … Seriously? … That’s the only way? … Six hours that way? What’s up with that? … Yeah, that makes sense. … All right, I’ll send her over. … Ha ha, okay. See you at the reunion. … Love you too, bye.” He put the phone away.

“So,” Scootaloo asked, “What do I have to do?”

“Okay, here’s what’s up. The last King of Heck had a bad habit of ignoring all of his official, boring duties. So now, Terry has to deal with all of these back logs and it’ll be 34 years before we can see him, if we wait.”

“I don’t have that kind of t--wait, what?”

“Yeah, it turns out that there’s a loophole that will get you a meeting in around six hours.”

“What is it?” She was excited to get back to the real world, and she would do anything.

“Okay, Heck is basically the Afterlife, and it’s divided into two halves. When ponies die, they come here, and we determine whether they go to the good half or the bad half. With me so far?” Scootaloo nodded, and Dave continued. “In between the halves, there is a Pit of Seven Trials. In case we can’t figure out what to do with a pony, we send them through the Pit. They always make it through, and then they meet the King of Heck. He judges them on how well they’ve done and what they’ve learned, and sends them to one of the halves.”

“So, you’re saying that I have to go through the Pit of Seven Trials?”

“Bingo!” Dave leaned back in his seat. “Everypony who goes through the Pit immediately meets the King, no exceptions. He knows who you are, just get to him and he’ll send you back home.”

“But what if I don’t do good?” Scootaloo got worried. “What if I screw up and he doesn’t let me go back?”

“Look, Terry’s a good guy. He’ll let you back. Besides, he only judges ponies who are actually dead, so you won’t have to deal with any of that existential crap for a long time.” He put his wing around her. “And between you and me, the way your life is going, you’re gonna end up on the good side. No Pit.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Dave smiled. “So, ready to face the oh-so-scary Pit of Seven Trials?”

“I was born ready! Well, I died ready. I mean--oh, whatever!” Scootaloo stomped a hoof in frustration. “Let’s go to Heck!”

Dave nodded, and he pulled a lever, opening a wall that hid an elevator. The pair stepped in, and it started descending. He pushed a button near a speaker. “One for the Pit of Seven Trials.”

“There’s only ever one at a time for the PoST!” said the voice on the other end of the intercom.

“Shut up, Jason.” Dave shook his head as the elevator came to a stop. “Good luck, Scootaloo.”

“Thanks, Dave.” The door opened, and Scootaloo stepped into a bright, white light.

Trial I - Pride

The bright light that nearly blinded young Scootaloo faded as a wall rose up behind her, cutting off the path to the elevator. There was officially no turning back now. She saw a door labeled “Trial I” and opened it, stepping into an extremely dark room.

“Hello?” she called out. She carefully stepped forward into the darkness, and immediately had a bright spotlight shine upon her. “Gah! Okay, I’m sick of all the light tricks!”

“Oh, are you, dearie?” came a posh mare’s voice.

“Rarity?”

“Ah, you’re familiar with my descendant?” Another spotlight came on, illuminating the catwalks above Scootaloo and revealing a tall and stunning white unicorn, with a flowing purple mane. She wore immaculate jewelry, a cape of the finest fur, and a large crown. “I must admit, little Rarity might be quite lovely, but nopony can ever come close to my majesty!”

Scootaloo just stared at her, thoroughly unimpressed. “And you are?”

The mare’s eyes opened. “What?! You do not recognize the ruler of unicorns, the most beautiful of ponies, the sole founder of Equestria?! I am Princess Platinum!” She struck a dramatic pose as more spotlights highlighted her.

“That’s very nice,” Scootaloo said in a flat tone. “Now can we get on with the trial?”

Platinum sighed. “Fine.” She lit more of the lights on the catwalk and finally revealed where Scootaloo was: a theater stage. The filly faced the curtain and started to hear cheers.

“What?”

The curtain opened, and Scootaloo saw hundreds, perhaps thousands of ponies, stomping their hooves and shouting praises.

“Woo-hoo!”

“You rock!”

“Go Scootaloo!”

She blushed. This was a feeling that she had wanted to experience for so long, to be loved and accepted for who she was by many ponies.

“Yeah!”

“Stay awesome!”

“We love you, Scootaloo!”

It was enthralling, really. These ponies were cheering her as if she were the greatest pony who ever lived, and she hadn’t even done anything!

Wait.

She hadn’t done anything.

“You’re the best!”

“Keep it up, Scoots!”

“Don’t stop!”

“Stop what?!” Scootaloo screamed it, but the cheers drowned her out. Suddenly, she was hit with a realization. “You don’t love me!”

“Yeah!”

“Go Scootaloo!”

“Shut up!” Scootaloo began to panic, getting more and more frustrated with the false praise. As she screamed to be heard, the cackling of Princess Platinum broke through to her ears.

“What’s the matter, dearie?” she said, voice dripping with sarcastic concern. “Did you realize that no matter how much praise you get, you are still a mere filly with no talent?” The Princess’ haughty cackle was like a knife slicing through Scootaloo’s softened ego. Her hooves pressed firmly against her ears, the filly managed to block out some of the noise.

“Stop it, stop it, STOP IT!” Scootaloo kept shaking her head, anything to distract her from the noise surrounding her, yet the sound of the Princess managed to break through. The constant crowing laughter echoed in her head, transforming into that of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, the two fillies she was constantly tormented by in school. Upon opening her eyes, she saw the audience full of clones of the two, laughing at her alongside Princess Platinum.

“Look at her!” one of the many Silver Spoons cried. “Throwing a tantrum like a foal!”

“I know!” a Diamond Tiara responded. “What’s a matter, Scoots? Can’t handle a little laughter?”

“I thought you won an award for comedy,” another Spoon continued.

“Yeah,” a different Tiara added. “You oughta be used to the sound of everypony laughing at you by now!”

A Silver Spoon laughed heartily. “And you still don’t have your cutie mark! What a loser!”

“Totally!” said a Diamond Tiara from the middle of the audience. “I mean, you’re such a complete failure, you couldn’t even get a cutie mark for dying!”

With that, the room fell into total silence. Even the Princess stopped her laughter to join the other ponies in directing a solid glare at the originator of the comment.

“What?” the same Tiara said.

“That was so not cool,” another Diamond Tiara reprimanded.

“That’s just, like, exceedingly cruel,” scolded a separate Silver Spoon.

“I mean, wow.” A Diamond Tiara shook her head. “We’re mean, but we’d never stoop that low.”

Scootaloo shook her head and gathered her thoughts while everypony else was busy being disgusted with Diamond Tiara no. 58’s comment. She needed to come back, and hard. “Oh, yeah?” she said, as several of the filly clones turned into different ponies once more. “At least my special talent isn’t being a spoiled brat!”

The audience, now mostly different ponies once more, gasped as the now sole Diamond Tiara clone was taken aback. “Wh-what did you say?”

“You heard me!” The pegasus filly stood up once more. “You’re nothing more than a stuck-up, stupid pony with no real special talent!” The crowd gasped once more as Scootaloo loaded up another shot. “In fact, I bet that the only reason you have a cutie mark is because your daddy bought it for you!”

A collective howl from the audience prompted the Diamond Tiara to stomp down to the stage. “Oh, yeah?! Well, at least we can afford things!” She stepped right up to Scootaloo and fired back. “I saw your mom talking to my dad the other day. She needed a loan for the mortgage on that cardboard box you live in!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Scootaloo said as she backed up a bit. “What’d you say about my mama?”

Princess Platinum conjured up a bucket of popcorn and took a seat in the front row. “This is gonna be good.”

“I said,” Diamond Tiara began, “your mama’s so poor, she has to wash your paper plates!”

“Ooh!” Princess Platinum leaned in. “That was okay, but let’s see how the pegasus comes back.”

“Well...” Scootaloo thought for a moment before inspiration struck. “Well your mama’s so ugly, ponies dress up like her for Nightmare Night!”

“Hm,” the Princess smiled. “Standard, but still decent.”

“Ha!” Tiara turned her nose up. “Your mama’s so poor, she can’t afford to put her two bits into a conversation!”

“Your mama’s so ugly, she went to take a bath and the water jumped out!”

“Nice one!”

Tiara whipped her head around to the audience member that commented and scowled before turning back. “Your mama’s so poor, I kicked a rock against a trash can and she popped out asking who knocked!”

“Your mama’s so ugly, it looks like she went bobbing for hay fries!” The audience winced, and the barb seemed to physically hurt Diamond Tiara, whose leg buckled. “Your mama’s so ugly, when she goes to the kitchen, rats jump on the table and start screaming!”

The audience let out a cheer as the Tiara clone fell over in pain. Princess Platinum rose from her seat. “What are you waiting for? Finish her!”

“Finish her! Finish her! Finish her!”

Scootaloo took a breath as the crowd chanted. She looked Diamond Tiara square in the eye, who seemed ready to welcome the finishing blow. She put her hoof forward, deeply inhaled, and let out her final statement. “No.”

The audience was stunned into silence. Princess Platinum merely smiled and asked, “Why not? She is at your mercy.”

The pegasus shook her head and turned to her questioner. “I’ve already sunk to her level. I don’t need to go lower. Defending myself and my family is one thing. Attacking her when she’s already beaten is just... dumb.”

The room remained quiet for a moment, before one audience member began to stamp his hooves. Then another joined in, and another. Soon, there was a thunderous applause and Scootaloo smiled, taking a bow, and one by one, the audience began to disappear, until only Princess Platinum was left clapping her hooves.

“Well done!” the Princess said. “A magnificent performance! Far enough to protect your pride, yet stopping just short of being a total cretin.”

“Thanks!” Scootaloo galloped off the stage, looking for a way out. However, she found none and began to panic, running all around the area. She climbed the catwalks, scaled the stairs, and probed the orchestra pit, all to no avail. “Oh, no! Am I trapped here? Did I not pass? Is this another test? What do I do?”

“Child, child, calm thyself. Come here.” Scootaloo looked at the Princess before stepping back on the stage. The regal pony rubbed her chin for a moment. “Actually, take two steps back.” The filly obliged. “And a little to the left. No, no, the other left. There! Now, I can help you get out of here.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Have you ever heard the phrase, ‘Pride goes before a fall’?”

“Um... yeah?”

“Well, since this was a test of Pride,” said the Princess as she put her hoof on a lever that seemingly appeared out of nowhere, “here comes the fall!” She pulled the lever and began cackling madly, but upon opening her eyes, saw a very unamused Scootaloo hovering above a hole in the ground. “Oh. Right. Pegasus. This is awkward.”

“Yeah, your clue was kind of obvious,” Scootaloo sarcastically said as she fluttered there with her forelegs folded.

“Er, would you be a dear and float on down?”

Scootaloo sighed. “Fine.” She slowed the flapping of her wings and began to descend as Princess Platinum resumed her manic laughter. “No,” the pegasus interrupted.

“But I was just--”

“NO.”

“Oh, you’re no fun anymore!” The Princess pouted as Scootaloo finally lowered enough for the trapdoor to be closed. “Finally! AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“The filly’s right,” came a voice from what seemed to be an intercom. “That’s really annoying.”

“Shut up, Jason!”

Trial II - Wrath

“Waaaaah!” Scootaloo landed with a thump. The distance between the first trial and here had been quite long, and her wings gave out halfway through the corridor, causing her to plummet. Slowly working herself to her hooves, she examined her surroundings. “Oh, great,” she sighed. “Another featureless black room. Gee, I wonder what light will blind me her--”

“A-TEEEEEEEEEEEEN-HUT!” A booming voice knocked Scootaloo on her back as she saw a massive steel-colored pegasus adorned in military garb step in front of her. “YOU CALL YOURSELF A PEGASUS?! WHY ARE YOU HERE?!”

“Whoa, hold on, who are you?”

“I’LL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE, CREAMSICLE! BUT AS A COMMON COURTESY, I WILL INFORM YOU THAT YOU HAVE THE UNIQUE PRIVILEGE AND HONOR OF BEING IN THE PRESENCE OF THE GREATEST PEGASUS IN HISTORY AND THE SOLE FOUNDER OF THE GREAT LAND OF EQUESTRIA, COMMANDER SHERMAN T. HURRICANE! IS THAT CLEAR?!”

Scootaloo could only muster a confused expression. “... Sherman?”

“YOU THINK MY NAME IS FUNNY, SOLDIER? I BET YOUR NAME IS SOMETHING INCESSANTLY CUTESY AND FLUFFY, LIKE SHORTCAKE OR TENDERHEART OR HAPPYGLOW OR SUGARCUP! WELL, WHAT IS IT?”

“Okay, first off, I’m not a soldier, I’m a filly. Second, the name’s Scootaloo, and--”

“SCOOTALOO? WHY, THAT’S THE MOST STUPIDLY SACCHARINE NAME I’VE HEARD SINCE ‘PRIVATE PANSY’! I BET YOU JUST LOVE TO THROW TEA PARTIES AND SPLISH AROUND IN THE BATHTUB WITH YOUR RUBBER DUCKY! I BELIEVE THAT YOU’RE NOT A SOLDIER, AND IF YOU’RE NOT A SOLDIER, THEN YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO ALL PEGASI! PEGASI ARE ONLY GOOD FOR TWO THINGS: WEATHER-MAKING AND FIGHTING!”

“What? I can’t even really fly yet!”

“HOLY GRAVY BOATS, WE’VE GOT OURSELVES A GROUNDER HERE! THAT IS COMPLETELY PATHETIC! A PEGASUS THAT CAN’T FLY IS ABOUT AS USEFUL AS A TOILET THAT CAN’T FLUSH! ALL YOU’VE GOT IS A BIG, FLOATING TURD!”

“That’s not very nice.”

“WAR IS NOT NICE, SISSYPANTS! AND SINCE YOU CAN’T FLY, YOU CAN’T MAKE WEATHER! IPSO FACTO, YOU MUST BE A FIGHTER! SO LET’S SEE HOW GOOD OF A FIGHTER YOU REALLY ARE!”

Before Scootaloo could even think of a response, Commander Hurricane slapped her, sending her clear across the room.

“WELL, HOW ABOUT THAT?!” The Commander’s volume suggested he was right in Scootaloo’s ear, when in reality, he had not moved from his original position. “YOU CAN’T EVEN HANDLE A SOFT LITTLE LOVE-TAP!”

“Soft?” Scootaloo rubbed her chin where she had been hit. “Well, I’m not bleeding. Which would be weird, since I’m dead.”

“SO WHAT’S NEXT, COCOA PUFF? ARE YOU JUST GONNA SIT THERE AND TAKE IT? IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I’VE HAD A PLAYTHING AS COOPERATIVE AS YOU! WE’RE GONNA HAVE A LOT OF FUN. AT LEAST I WILL!”

The ground shook with every step Commander Hurricane took towards his prey. Scootaloo instinctively curled up into a tiny ball.

“Think, Scoots! You know he’s not gonna let up, so you need to fight back! But how?” She started shivering, fearing that this punishment would go on forever and she would never get back to her life. She would never go Crusading with Apple Bloom or Sweetie Belle. She’d never get to hang out with Rainbow Dash again! She’d never see anypony she was friends with, not Pinkie Pie or Twilight Sparkle or Spike.

Spike.

Spike?

“Why am I thinking about Spike?” she asked herself, before a lightbulb went off in her head.

***

“Hi-yah!” A scaly purple foot kicked at the air. “Wa-tah!” A similarly colored fist thrust forward. “Ki-wah!” A thick tail spun around, and a baby dragon posed as leaves fell off a tree behind him.

“Cool!”

“Wha?” The dragon turned in an aggressive stance, but relaxed once he saw who was watching. “Oh, hey Scootaloo.”

“That was awesome, Spike!” Scootaloo trotted over to him. “Where did you learn that?”

“I’m just beginning,” he admitted. “Once I came back from the Dragon Migration fiasco, Twilight agreed that I should learn some basic self-defense techniques.” Spike closed a book and showed it to the pegasus. “She found this book for me, said it’d be good.”

“Ancient Secrets of Dragon Kung-Fu by Sheng Long?” Scootaloo began flipping through the pages. “Whoa! You think I could learn this stuff?”

“Probably. It was written more with ponies in mind anyhow.”

She continued looking through the book until she saw a diagram of one of the more advanced techniques. It showed a pony rising into the air, front hoof extended as it struck another pony across the jaw. “What’s this?”

Spike looked curiously at the drawing and the words accompanying it. “Hmm, it says that it’s a maneuver that should only be used in the most dire of circumstances, like if the only way out is to fight.”

“Huh. So what’s this word?”

***

She continued thinking and shaking as the Commander stood over her.

“WHAT HAVE WE HERE?! A SCARED LITTLE FILLY QUAKING IN HER BOOTIES!”

***

“It’s some kind of battle cry,” Spike explained. “Supposedly gives you the strength to pull the move off.”

“How the hay are you supposed to pronounce it?”

***

“DON’T WORRY, THIS’LL BE OVER BEFORE YOU KNOW IT--”

“SHORYUKEN!”

Suddenly, the filly uncoiled from her defensive position and sprang upwards, striking the commander in the jaw and sending him crashing onto his back. Scootaloo landed on her feet as two green bars descended from the ceiling, with her name under one and “C. Hurricane” under the other. A large “99” appeared between them as music began to fill the area.

“Round One,” came a voice from the Intercom.

“... Jason?” the Commander said, surprisingly quiet.

“FIGHT!”

The 99 began to count down, and Commander Hurricane sprang to his hooves, charging at the filly. Instincts kicking in, Scootaloo jumped over the stallion, bucking backwards. Her hooves struck the Commander, and a portion of his green bar turned red, while the words “First Attack” flashed under her own. A lightbulb went off in her head, and Scootaloo deftly dodged a strike, catching her foe with a leg sweep. Seeing the reddened bar decrease further, she smiled.

Scootaloo prepared herself for another attack, but the Commander backed away. Confused, she advanced, but was caught by a front-flip double kick. As her life bar showed the effects, “2-hit Combo” appeared under the Commander’s. She tried to latch onto his leg for a takedown, but he simply tossed her across the room. As she got up, he leapt high into the air, preparing to stomp on her head. Thinking quickly, she rolled out from under the attack and hit an uppercut.

Counter

Not allowing him a chance to recover, Scootaloo landed a jump kick, following with two straight jabs, a foreleg smash, and a roundhouse kick.

5-hit Combo

With the Commander’s health bar now mostly red, Scootaloo charged forward, but stopped just out of range of the anticipated flip-kick. As Hurricane straightened himself, he was met with a solid buck to the face, completely depleting his life bar and sending him crashing to the floor.

“You win!” came Jason’s voice.

“Yes!” Scootaloo began to walk away, not noticing the life bars refill.

“Round Two...”

Scootaloo’s eyes shot open at that.

“FIGHT!”

She turned around just in time to see Commander Hurricane flying towards her at full speed. “Oh, poopy.” As soon as the last syllable escaped her lips, she was struck and sent flying backwards. When she got to her hooves, she was struck by that move again. “Hey, what the--”

And again.

“That’s not fa--”

And again.

“You’re chea--”

And again. As she could see the Commander coming for another attack, she instinctively crossed her forelegs in an X as a futile attempt to shield herself. Miraculously, the Commander merely bounced off of the block.

“That worked?!” Before she could look at her hooves in disbelief, the Commander swung a hoof. Scootaloo managed to duck, however, and land a solid punch to the gut of her opponent. For her effort, she recieved a kick to the face which sent her sliding on her back. Glancing at the life-bars and seeing that hers was mostly depleted, she opted to block and hope for the best this round. In the meantime, she tried to think back to that meeting with Spike.

***

The filly kept flipping through the book. “Ugh, most of this is about avoiding fights! Where do you learn to kick butt?”

“That’s what I said,” Spike chimed in. “But Twilight says that self-defense isn’t about kicking another pony’s butt... most of the time.”

“I guess.” She turned to an illustration of a pony seemingly tossing a ball of light. “Huh, another battle-cry move. Wonder if it works.” The next page showed an Earth Pony striking an armored Pegasus with a flying kick. “Wow, this cry is complicated.”

“I know, right?” Spike chuckled. “Well, it’s got a neat backstory. It says here this move was used by Sheng Long himself to fend off a Pegasus attack led by--”

***

The flashback was interrupted by Scootaloo being sent to the floor by a sweep, depleting her energy completely.

“Commander Hurricane wins!”

Despite the loss, Scootaloo pushed herself up with a smirk on her face.

“SO YOU LEARNED HOW TO BLOCK,” the imposing Pegasus bellowed. “THAT AIN’T GONNA HELP YOU MUCH IN--”

“Round Three... FIGHT!”

Commander Hurricane began another charge attack, but Scootaloo didn’t even attempt to block. Instead, she thrust her hooves forward and shouted a word that made her opponent freeze in his tracks.

“HADOUKEN!”

“Wha--” The Commander wasn’t able to finish the word before a wall of light barrelled into his face and knocked him on his back. When he got to his hooves, he was struck by another fireball. “Hey, what the--”

And another.

“That’s not fa--”

And another.

“You’re chea--”

And another. Dazed and confused, the Commander got up to just in time for his face to be met with a flying kick. Scootaloo followed with two quick jabs and a hook before unleashing another Shoryuken.

7-hit Combo

The fierce fireballs and combo having done most of the damage, Scootaloo geared up for her final assault. Leaping up towards her foe’s face, she extended a hoof and began to spin. Commander Hurricane’s eyes widened as he heard the cry that accompanied the maneuver.

“TATSUMAKI SENPUKYAKU!”

5-hit Combo Finish

After the final strike, Scootaloo floated onto her hooves to stand over the fallen Commander as Jason’s voice filled the area.

“You win! Perfect!”

The filly kept her defensive stance until she saw a door slide open. Breathing a sigh of relief, she trotted towards it.

“Ugh... wait!” Commander Hurricane could not stand, but he called and attempted to reach out to his opponent. “How... how could I lose?”

Scootaloo stopped, and turned her head towards him. “You must defeat Sheng Long to stand a chance.” With that, she went through the door. As it shut, the Commander groaned and fell once more.

“‘Defeat Sheng Long’?” the omnipotent voice repeated. “What does that even mean?”

Commander Hurricane grumbled. “It means, SHUT UP, JASON!”

Author's Note

Apologies to the fans for taking so bloody long to write this less-than-2,000-word chapter. My bad.

No apologies to Capcom for blatantly ripping off and butchering the mechanics of Street Fighter.

Trial III - Lust

Scootaloo stepped through the door and into...

“Another featureless, black void?! Would it kill to have a little variety?”

“Ah, variety,” came a smooth male voice. “The spice of life.”

Scootaloo had a puzzled look on her face as spotlights came on and cheesy saxophone music filled the area. Rose petals were scattered all around along with obnoxiously scented candles. In front of her, she saw a large, heart-shaped bed. On top of it lay a stallion in costume, his back to her.

“Soarin’?”

The stallion chuckled. “Well, of course.” The bed slowly turned around. “I know your deepest desires, and I can give you everything you’ve ever wanted.”

“Um...” Scootaloo rubbed her head. “This is kind of uncomfortable...”

“Don’t be shy,” Soarin’ said in an even deeper voice. “I’m gonna do all I can to make you comfortable.” Scootaloo’s eyes darted back and forth, looking for an escape as she saw his eyes remained closed. Despite this, he continued. “It’s all right, you and me can stay here...” His eyes opened. “Forev--”

Soarin’ froze as he finally saw who was in front of him. “Uh...” He quickly put his hoof to his ear as the music ground to a halt. “We’ve got a situation here.”

An authoritative female voice came over a speaker. “Well, handle it!”

“Right...” Soarin’ quickly pointed behind Scootaloo. “Look! A distraction!”

“Where?” She turned around to face nothing, and back. “Hey, there’s no distraction the--Rumble?” Now she saw her classmate on the bed where the Wonderbolt was before.

“Uh... hi?” The colt was clearly at a loss of what to do next.

“Okay, now this is just stupid.”

“Halt the proceedings!” the female voice shouted. “I’m coming down there.”

The young ponies looked equally concerned as the hoofbeats grew louder. “Ugh, I swear, if you want anything done, you have to do it yourself.” The mare came out, and Scootaloo was frozen in shock. Lucky for the filly, she focused on Rumble. “You dunderhead!” The mare’s perforated hoof struck Rumble on the head, causing him to flash green and reveal his true form. “You scanned her mind to find who she desires, and you didn’t think to do something age-appropriate?”

“But--”

“Silence!” The blue-maned mare was in no mood to hear excuses. “You can not see that this is but a simple filly?” She turned to Scootaloo. “Sorry about this whole thing, little one. I--you!”

“I probably should be scared right now,” the pegasus replied, “but I gotta ask, what is it with Changelings not looking at their targets?”

Queen Chrysalis sighed and turned back to her underling. “We’ll discuss this later. Off with you.” She stepped towards Scootaloo as he ran off. “So, where are the others? Still bugging the Commander?”

“Huh?”

“Your friends, your other annoying cohorts.”

“Oh, they’re not here. Just me.”

“Ah. Can’t say I’m surprised, you seem like the type to try the more dangerously stupid stunts.”

“Hey!” Scootaloo pointed her hoof at the Queen. “Just because you’re right doesn’t mean you can insult me!”

“I guess so.”

“Besides,” Scootaloo added, “I’m technically not even supposed to be dead.”

“Let me guess, you had a run-in with Trevor?” Chrysalis said that name with great venom.

“How did you know?”

***

“I don’t understand!” Chrysalis screamed as she tried to pull at the unwanted attachment. “How does one even GET their muzzle stuck in my leg?!”

Trevor only shrugged, being unable to sheepishly smile at the moment.

***

“We’ve met.”

“Oh.” Seeing no reason to question further, Scootaloo changed the subject. “So what are you doing here, anyway? I don’t remember you dying.”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “I’m not dead. It’s just... community service.”

“Wait, what?”

“After our last encounter, Celestia came to me with a deal. I could work for her here, or be banished to the sun for 1,000 years.”

“I see why you chose this.”

Chrysalis laughed. “Turns out this is a pretty good gig for us Changelings. It’s not much work, but we get plenty of love to sustain our hive. Although there are times things go wrong,” she said with a look of scorn.

“Yeah, about that,” Scootaloo began. “Why the heck did that guy turn into Soarin’, and what was he trying to do?”

“Er...” Chrysalis struggled to think of a way out of the question. “You’ll find out when you’re older?”

Scootaloo just shot her a look of skepticism.

“Oh, okay,” the Changeling Queen relented. “One way of draining the love from ponies is to imitate the object of their affection. And I don’t think it’s much of a surprise that a growing pegasus filly has a crush on a Wonderbolt.”

“It is kind of a given.”

“Right. That idiot’s mistake was not realizing you were a mere child, and not coming up with a more... age-appropriate fantasy.”

“Age-appropriate?” Now, Scootaloo was even more confused. “Is this the kind of stuff grown-ups think about with their crushes?”

“Just so we’re clear, there is no way you’ll leave without hearing all of this through, is there?”

“Nope!”

Chrysalis sighed. “Well, just remember that you asked for it. See, when a mare and a stallion love each other very much... or two mares, or two stallions, we don’t judge...”

[~SCENE MISSING~]

“... and that, my dear, is why you should cover your drinks and keep them with you at all times. Any questions?”

Scootaloo had a blank expression as she stared at her lecturer. After a long and awkward silence, she spoke. “Grown-ups are gross.”

“Honey, you don’t know the fifth of it.” Chrysalis smiled at her. “You know, you’re a lot less annoying by yourself.”

“Well, you know how it is,” the filly shrugged. “Get a group of us together, and it’s just talk, talk, talk all day long.”

“You don’t need to remind me.”

Scootaloo couldn’t help but grin. “You know, you’re not so bad yourself. When you’re not trying to enslave everypony and steal their life force, I mean.” She rubbed her chin in thought. “Come to think of it, why didn’t you just talk things out with Celestia in the first place?”

A nervous laugh started Chrysalis’ reply. “Have you ever just been so hungry that you weren’t thinking straight?”

***

“All right, girls!” Scootaloo yelled. “Let’s go for it!”

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADER FLASH MOBBING LIVE ACTION ROLE PLAYERS! YAY!”

***

“I’ve been there, sister.”

“Needless to say, that whole invasion thing was not my proudest moment,” Chrysalis confirmed, at which Scootaloo snickered. “Eh, hindsight is always 20/20.”

“Yeah, that’s how it goes.” There was an awkward pause as the two parties looked around. Finally, Scootaloo spoke up. “So, uh...”

“Hmm?”

“Are we done here, or what? I’m kind of eager to undo this whole ‘death’ thing.”

“Oh! Yes, yes, I’d assume so. Go on and be on your way.”

“Thanks!” Scootaloo sprinted off towards the exit, but stopped just for a moment. “I’m glad we talked.”

“I am too,” Chrysalis admitted. “Good luck, little one, and may we meet again under more pleasant circumstances.”

“Same here. Bye!” With a quick wave, Scootaloo ran to her next trial.

“What a sweet little girl,” Chrysalis thought aloud.

“Wow,” came a voice from the intercom. “Who would’ve thought the evil Changeling Queen who feasts on love actually had a heart?”

Said Queen’s smile fell. “Jason, you let one word of this out and I’ll tell all of Heck about your fantasies of--”

“Okay, okay! Jeez, one little joke...”

Author's Note

I'm alive! Sorry for the wait, but this was odd to write, I hope it turned out okay.

Shout out to nukeiffum for helping me find the right song. I really didn't want to resort to Kenny G.