The DabVerse Christmas Spectacular

by Songbird Serenade Thanos

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Narcotics, Other, Random, Pinkie Pie
Length: 1138

A Christmas episode set in the DabVerse. Christianity makes it's way to Ponyville and everyone finds Christmas so awesome that they adopt it immediately.

The position of this entry into the DabVerse canon in the DabVerse timeline is somewhat ambiguous. I personally think it occurs after The Final Countdown but you can place it anywhere you like, really.

Christians introduce ponies to Christianity, Twilight performs her first stoning and everyone is subsumed into a collective consciousness. Also, Jon Arbuckle returns.

There's also a special appearance from Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson.

Published 2018-12-17 20:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-12-17 20:30:01 UTC

RHAPSODY 1999

One morning when the both the sun and moon were frozen solid so time was no longer perceivable (and thus, one could question the point of even calling it a morning), Christians arrived in Ponyville.

"Hello!" said William Lane Craig "I am a true inch."

Celestia came down from the sky and bowed down to him for he was a creature described as a God in one of the holy scriptures.

"I am not a God, dudes," said William Lane Craig.

Celestia was shocked.

"Do I need to be a God to receive respect?" said William "Are you not a friendly, loving species that will help all, regardless of their appearance or stature?"

"No," said Celestia "you must have mistaken us for someone else"

Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle was chilling in her Gendo Ikari outfit. Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were working away below her.

William then burst through the door screaming "JEHOVAH IS LIT!".

"What?" cried Twilight.

"YAHWEH IS SWAG!" ejaculated William Lane Craig.

"Tell me more," said Twilight.

"Gladly," said William before sitting down on Twilight's desk.

Soon, Christianity was all the rage and setting up holidays around historical figures that formed the foundation of their very society was out. Unfortunately, Ponyville was under attack from severe Conservatives. Theresa May was launching an attack against Ponyville's very foundations and only the elite NERVE unit (which was named after the 2016 film directed by Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman) could hope to stand a chance against this threat. Monitoring the fourth wall boundaries was Pinkie Pie while Twilight oversaw Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash's 9GAG browsing skills.

Suddenly, Jon Arbuckle burst through the door in full power armour.

"Sorry I'm late," he said "I was busy pwning libtards."

"Who the hell are you?" said Twilight, for she had either contracted amnesia or hadn't met him at this point. Depends on where you place this story in the timeline, I don't know.

Twilight and the gang then went to their first stoning. They had chosen to stone William Lane Craig for saying the word "Jehovah" out loud. They did so.

"Hooray!" cried Twilight "We stoned that heathen!"

"Indeed!" said the normally skeptical Pinkie Pie.

Jon Arbuckle then rocked up and started heroically setting Ponyville ablaze with his in-built flamethrower because he was upset Twilight didn't remember him even though she possibly legitimately just hadn't met him before.

"That madman's torching Ponyville!" said Twilight erroneously (he was torching Ponyville but he wasn't a madman).

Meanwhile, Theresa May jumped over Ponyville's wall. NERVE phoned Twilight and was all like "You gotta get in the robot!"

But Twilight was all like "I gotta get Christmas presents! It's almost Christmas Eve, oh my God!"

So she did. A PS$ (the new console from Sony) for Rainbow Dash, a barrel full of bits for Rarity, a filly slave for Fluttershy and a can of beer for Pinkie Pie.

After laying all these under the Christmas tree, Twilight ran up to Jon and said "Why are you torching Ponyville?"

"Because you don't remember me! I...I...I always loved you, Twilight Sparkle!" said Jon.

This was either so touching it caused Twilight to remember her lost memories or so pitiful that Twilight decided to lie in order to spare his feelings. Or something else. I don't mind.

Twilight was back in her Gendo Ikari outfit and launched the Zeus cannon so it could fire at Theresa May. It eliminated her but Theresa exploded into Fanta (Fruit Twist flavour) and the Fanta rolled over Ponyville. Everyone died and got subsumed into the Fanta's collective consciousness.

Twilight dreamt she was Jordan Peterson.

"OK, this is epic," she said before absolutely annihilating some postmodern neo-marxists.

Then Jordan Peterson met Jordan Peterson.

"You're just a flat imitation of a much better character." said Jordan Peterson "You ignore things that any normal person would notice for the sake of lame comedy that wouldn't be funny even in 2006, scrub"

"That's a lie!" said Jordan Peterson.

"Oh, is it?" said Jordan Peterson "Then how come you cared more about your Rolex than your dead supposed friend? How come you just did whatever even if it completely contradicted what came before? Face it, you're just a character that was created for the sake of lame jokes that is simply a copy of a copy of the real Twilight Sparkle"

"This is very not epic!" screamed Jordan Peterson.

"Be that as it may," said Jordan Peterson "we cannot escape the fact that we are ultimately nothing but what we are and aren't"

"Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" cried Jordan Peterson.

"Reject the Communist Fanta and you may live. Don't and you will have to face responsibility for you art. And no-one should have to do that." explained Jordan Peterson.

Twilight Sparkle then jumped out of Jordan Peterson's bodies and into the sea of Fanta.

Twilight turned on the jukebox and set it to play Two-Headed Boy by Neutral Milk Hotel. The dead bodies of all her friends floated in the sea of Fanta. She simply lay on the ground and waited for death to take her. Jon Arbuckle came across this scene. Twilight looked at him and knew she hadn't truly escaped the Communist Fanta. Jon whipped out his revolver and shot her. Twilight fell into the Communist Fanta. She didn't know what to do.

"Sometimes, it isn't just a matter of rejecting or accepting something. It's all just a contingency plan," said Jon.

Jon and Twilight then went to see The Nutcracker in 3D in theatres. It was good.

"Fuck you, Jon," she said, before taking a massive hit from her blunt and then proceeding to take a pill of ecstasy.

She proceeded to get such a high that she managed to surface above the red sea of Fanta. She gasped, spluttered and cried while desperately paddling towards the half-submerged wing of a plane. Once she gripped onto the smooth, diagonally-sloping surface, she simply cried some more. She had no witty remarks or fourth-wall breaking japery (e.g "I guess drugs really did solve the problem after all!").

Garfield then descended from the Heavens. This was either the first time Twilight saw Garfield, a surprising yet welcome bit of help from a friend or the first time Twilight had ever seen Garfield. Either way, she was confused.

Twilight ate a scone while at a picnic with her friends. Jon Arbuckle or Garfield were nowhere to be seen. To be honest, she didn't care. Things were back to how they were and should be. No more cannibalism, postmodernism, death, narcotics or profanity. In the distance, Twilight could have sworn she saw Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson out of the corner of her eye. They were standing on a hill, looking straight at the Mane Six. When Twilight looked back, they were gone.