A Story in Which Various Nobles Petition Celestia for Tax Breaks, and She is Annoyed
Down and down and down she fell into the spiral of despair. Each lord and lady that came demanding tax breaks pushed Princess Celestia further to the brink of madness, and once again she questioned whether establishing an open court to listen to the concerns of ponies she actively despised had really been a good idea.
The line was endless. Literally. They queued up to her throne room like this all day, every day. Then the queue would continue well into the night to bother Luna, who often shortened its length by a sadly insignificant amount by performing random executions on the petitioners. And all the way over in the Crystal Empire, Cadance worked on the queue from the other end, which only really served to confuse matters; nopony knew anymore where the queue began or ended.
Legend said that the middle of the queue had been there so long that all the lords and ladies in it had merged into a single being. The old earth pony myths claimed that the nobles' coats there had fused to become the patchwork skin of a great serpent, their minds joining to become a gestalt entity that spoke in a legion of voices, and that this serpent would one day swallow the world and end taxation forever.
But earth ponies were dumb, so that probably wasn't the case. Celestia was sure she would've heard about it otherwise. Probably.
"Next," said the Royal Guard manning the door, causing Princess Celestia to sigh and contemplate abdication for the tenth time that day.
A monocled unicorn stallion with a top hat walked in, a permanent sneer affixed to his face below his little patch of a moustache.
"Lord Puppy Stomper of House Tyranny," the guard announced.
The new arrival made Celestia sit up, a joyful glint in her eyes. She was thankful to finally be dealing with a more reasonable pony, particularly one who had so far not broached the topic of taxes with her. True, Lord Puppy Stomper was no saint, but compared to the rest of the nobility, he was a'ight.
Lord Puppy Stomper bowed deeply.
"Your highness."
"You may rise," Celestia said with sunny smile, as he did just that. "It is good to see you again, Lord Puppy Stomper. What would you have of me this day?"
"Likewise," he said, speaking in that same gruff and haughty manner that he always did. "And I come before you today because I wish to enact a genocide of all earth ponies."
"Oh?" Celestia's interest was piqued now.
"Yes. They have become unruly in my lands, attempting an uprising against me, for what purpose I cannot discern. They complain that I take all of their food, burn their villages, and violate their wives, but that is just what nobility were born to do!" He gave an indignant stomp of his hoof. "I cannot tolerate their treasons any further, and I wish to have their race exterminated."
"From just your territory?" asked Celestia. "Or...?"
"No. Across all of Equestria. It is the only way to be sure that this will not happen again."
She leaned back in her throne, chewing on a pencil as she considered the idea.
"Hmm...."
Celestia glanced aside, and noticed the earth pony Royal Guard standing beside her throne. Sweat beaded upon his brow, as he shot the princess a pleading look. She licked her lips, imagining what he would taste like roasted with honey and chestnuts.
Finally, she came to a decision.
"Well... alright. I don't see any real reason why not to."
"Thank you, your highness."
Lord Puppy Stomper again bowed deeply, and Celestia gave him a genial smile in return. However, as he began to walk out of the throne room and towards the exit, he stopped. With a slight fumbling, he turned back around and returned to his previous position in front of Celestia.
"Actually, if it's not too bold, your highness, I did have one additional request. See, I've already begun constructing the gallows for the work, but according to the current system, since capital punishment is not strictly legal for any but your royal self or the other princesses to authorise, I could only list it under 'public works'. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the tax code for public works, but it is quite exorbitant. Might you possibly...?"
There were tears forming in Celestia's eyes.
I trusted you, she thought. And you betrayed me.
"Guards! Seize him!"
Lord Puppy Stomper spluttered in surprise as a pair of nearby Royal Guards rushed in and grabbed him by all four legs, while a third quickly fetched a restraining ring and fitted it around his horn.
"Take this vile filth to the dungeons and waterboard him," said Celestia, her tears of betrayal now falling freely down her cheeks.
"What? No! Nooooooo!" cried Lord Puppy Stomper.
The Royal Guards dragged him away literally kicking and screaming. As his cries echoed into the distance and the hall fell silent, Celestia slumped back in her throne. Her assistant, a meek little mare sitting on a cushion beside her, carefully set down her writing implements and regarded her princess with an uncertain but sympathetic look.
"Ummm... your highness?"
"Abolish the nobility," Celestia mumbled under her breath. "Immediately. I thought that in Lord Puppy Stomper, I knew at least one of their number that would not ask me for tax breaks... but I was wrong. Luna was right, there is no redeeming their kind. Cancel that last order about the earth ponies, and have Lord Puppy Stomper's gallows repurposed for him and the rest of the nobility. I want them all executed before the end of the week."
"Your highness!" the little mare protested. "How shall you run the country without them?"
"You know, I don't care. We'll figure it out. But I cannot tolerate the continued existence of the nobility any more. Just who in Equestria do they think they are?"
"Umm..." the mare shrunk away. "Well... they're the Aristocrats."
Author's Note
This story is... actually not a part of the Borderworld. Can't even remember the last thing I published that was totally stand-alone.
This was originally written as a request for my friend Oliver, as a microfic in the comments of one of his blogs. This is an edited and expanded version to meet FimFic's minimum word count requirement. It's pretty low effort on my part, and thousand-word jokefics really aren't the kind of thing I usually write, but I figured... hey, why not? Maybe other people would like it too. Let's see how it goes.
