The Closet of Unrequited Love (Extended)

Alt title: Dem Ponies be Cray Cray

"Er, Twilight?" Dash spoke flatly and without emotion, eyes were locked on the floor, her expression unreadable through the curtain that her fringe provided.

"...I can totally explain."

"Could you explain it to me then?" Spike murmured.

"Quiet, you! You're still grounded."

Spike grumbled and trudged down to the dark basement with his basket and blanket.

Both the remaining ponies tried to ignore the sound of Spike tripping and falling down the stairs. Spike didn't make it easy for them, but they could worry about that later.

"Oh, Dash, this must be so awkw-"

"Puh-lease, I don't give a buck about some dirty pictures. Hay, you should see some of the stuff Fluttershy writes about us! Actually, you really, really shouldn't, but that is totally besides the point. I think. I just didn't know you were into mares, egghead."

Twilight could finally see one thing below Dash's fringe. Normally it would have been a good sight, but she wasn't sure that she liked it under these circumstances.

Dash was sporting a positively diabolical grin.

Oh by the burning heat of Celestia's infinite libido, this cannot be good.

"Did you hear something?"

Three heads bobbed from beneath the blankets.

"Nothing princess?" the three voices spoke in unison.

Celestia pondered this for a moment.

"I swore I heard my name. You know what that means?"

"No, princess."

"It means you girls need to be a bit louder!"

"Yay!" a single pegasus replied before all of the impromptu harem dived back under the covers.

"Hmm, Luna's done well with you, after all."

"This fair maiden is one who shalt never sleep through our glorious nights, again!" Luna's voice was muffled by the duvet.

Celestia continued to munch popcorn from her luxurious voyeurism chair, the one chair in the palace more important and extravagant than even the throne itself.

"Hmm, I think I could use something sweet to go with all this..." Celestia gestured wildly between the popcorn and the blankets. "Could one of you go grab me something sweet from the kitchen, if you're not too busy? Maybe a cupcake, or a muffin or somet-"

A blonde grey blur shot out of the bed.

Twilight blushed profusely, partly out of embarrassment and partly out of what the other inhabitant in the room was behaving like.

Dash was like a lump of coal right now in many ways.

She was fiery hot, looking to Twilight with a look she could only describe as 'smouldering'.

Also Twilight had a feeling if she was lucky, she'd get given her on Hearth's Warming Eve.

But only if she was a very, very naughty girl.

Twilight took an unsteady gulp.

Errrr... No. No, this is all in my imagination. When a friend finds out you keep pornography of her hiding under your bed they do *not** proceed to give you a-* Twilight paused to consider what it was exactly that Dash was giving her.

"Twilight," Dash murmured, "Come hither."

Yep. That's it. So this obviously can't be happening because-  Wait, she said that out loud didn't she.

Oh by Luna's moon-rock hard icy nipples, this isn't all in my head.

"Err, Dash... Isn't this all going a bit fast?" Twilight backed away slowly.

"Err, Twi?" Rainbow replied with a cocked eyebrow, which, with Spike having left, was now the only thing in the room that was-

Nevermind.

"Who am I?"

Twilight sighed and gave a genuine smile, despite the fact this was playing out like a terrible porno filled with plotholes. Well, more than one kind of ploth-

Never. Mind.

"Rainbow Dash, Fastest pony in all Equestria."

"That's right, skippy-" Skippy? "-but I don't think I heard you clearly enough. Maybe you could try saying that again screaming into a pillow?"

Twilight clamped her mouth shut as she felt a thin bead of drool slowly escaping it.

Dash moved to pounce an-

CRACK-ASH!

The tinkle of falling glass was layered with the battle scream of a fluffy pink blur flying through the window.

"P-Pinkie?!" They both stammered.

Dash felt four hooves firmly grasp her as the pink streak took her by surprise, sending her and it rolling across the library floor, thankfully not over any glass.

That would have been a real mood killer.

Pinkie's eyes glowed a demonic red. Her mane was still curly, but smoke was coming from her ears.

Twilight couldn't help but back away. Rainbow couldn't help but be incredibly turned on.

"Stay away FROM MY DASHIE!

As Pinkie took Dash in a 'loving' embrace Dash's sense exploded with the taste of watermelon, spicy hot sauce, the smell of sugar and freshly baked cookies and the soft fuzziness of...

Well, of Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie is the usual benchmark of soft fuzziness, there's no real comparison.

The sensory explosion for being snogged for all she was worth disappeared as fast as it had arrived, replaced with a bright purple haze. It whipped across her vision and Dash heard a soft thump.

Twilight's eyes were glowing white.

Pinkie adjusted her purple bandana, blowing in an unseen breeze, that everyone had been far too distracted to notice until now.

"Hey," Dash called from her awkward spread eagle position on the floor, "purple's a good colour on you Pinkie."

"Thanks, Dashie!" Pinkie beamed at the compliment.

Twilight glared at Dash, effectively shutting her up. She was effectively a deer caught in Twilight's headlights.

Or eyelights, same difference.

"Oh! Wait! That reminds me~" Pinkie chirped and closed the distance between herself and Twilight.

"Dashie! Stay away from my TwiPie!" Pinkie screamed before snogging Twilight with a loud schlurp.

As Twilight's eyes widened in justifiable surprise Dash backed away slowly, scooting backwards on the floor, away from the disturbingly loud suction noises.

The front door exploded in a hail of shrapnel and splinters.

"Git the BUCK off my darlin'!

Oh, drown me in Celestia's sopping marehoo-

Celestia paused from licking a delicious muffin, as well as her baked good (echem), and was struck with inspiration for reasons she didn't quite understand.

Friendship with benefits reports, why didn't I think of it sooner.

Applejack bowled Twilight over and her world exploded again, this time in the scent of apples, sweat. Applejack was tight with muscle rippling against her-

Nevermind. ABORT TRAIN OF THOUGHT. ABORT.

Too late, she's just so HOT.

"Hey! AJ! Nerd babe there is mine!"

Twilight wasn't sure how to feel about that.

"Yeah! Well, I coul' git Twilight off twice as good as you ever could!"

"Oh yeah, it is so on!"

"... Wait, what?!"

As two ponies dived on her in fierce determination another warcry came from the edge of the room.

"Hey! Not cool! You can't have a party without meeeeeeeeee~!"

And then three became four.

"Spike, dear, I know it's such a filthy habit, but have you got a light?"

Spike raised an eyebrow and gave a quick, contented sigh, doing two things at once.

Twilight would be proud.