The basement tavern was dark, and the music loud, but not loud enough to make conversation difficult. The walls and floor were dirt, dampening sound, and the barkeeper always kept the sound turned lower as a favor to Princess Twilight or Starlight Glimmer when they were there.
Multiple groups of ponies sat at different tables. Seven mares and one adolescent sat at the table in the far back of the tavern, watching the brown wall clock tick toward midnight. The mares each had their drink of choice — as yet untouched — and an earth pony waiter stood behind Pinkie Pie, a mug of hard cider held on a tray balanced on his head.
“Five!” they all chanted, as the clock on the wall ticked toward midnight. “Four! Three! Two! One!”
Confetti and party poppers exploded. Trixie set off a smoke bomb. “Happy birthday Pinkie!” everypony shouted, and the bartender placed the mug in front of Pinkie. “Happy twenty-one,” the stallion said with a bow, then returned to the bar.
Rainbow Dash raised her cider high. “All six of us—“
“Eight,” Starlight Glimmer interrupted.
“Seven,” said Trixie, twirling a hoof and leaning against Starlight. “Trixie appreciates the invite tonight, but hasn’t saved the world nearly enough to count as one of the gals.”
“You saved the world once, anything past that is just egghead bookkeeping,” Rainbow said. “All eight of us are now legal adults!”
Everypony raised their mugs or glasses and slammed back a hefty swig, except Fluttershy, who sipped at her rosé tentatively. “I’m really not a big drinker,” she whispered, and passed out face-first on the table.
Twilight levitated a large tumbler of Jim Preen bourbon, smirked at Fluttershy, and said, “Lightweight!”
Rainbow Dash and Applejack drained their cider mugs in unison, slammed the mugs down, and wiped their mouths. Applejack belched.
Rainbow said, “You used to be even lighter-weight, Twi. Your new alicorn metabolism just gives you an unfair advantage, is all.”
“Ah ain’t never trying to out-drink an alicorn again,” Applejack said, “And Big Mac has been going to the meetings at city hall Thursday nights ever since that one time.” Applejack chuckled, deepened her voice, and deadpanned: “Hi, I’m Big Mac, and it’s been two months since m’last drink. Eeeyup.”
Starlight Glimmer sipped her glass of iced tea and frowned at Applejack, but said nothing.
Rainbow elbowed Applejack and glared at her. Applejack looked at Starlight, looked at Starlight’s soft drink, and said, “Ah, Starlight, Ah’m sorry. That was right uncalled for a’me.”
Starlight waved a hoof. “It’s okay, it’s not your fault and I’m not offended.” She sounded a little offended, though.
“THE ANCIENT AND DECRRRREPIT TRIXIE!” — she raised her forehooves over her head, and then slumped down to the table, and the tip of her wizard hat flopped down over her nose, before she continued in her grumpy voice — “hates being the oldest mare at the table.” She levitated a glass of white wine and sipped, then pulled her cape around her torso.
Starlight slung a foreleg over her shoulder. “C’mon, Trix. You’re only three months older than me,” she jerked a hoof toward the others, “and I’m only two-three years older than them.” Starlight rubbed her cheek against the top of Trixie’s head, lightly touching horns, and the wizard hat collapsed further forward.
“Hmmmmph,” Trixie said, and took another sip, her head now pillowed on her forelegs.
Pinkie bounced up onto the table. “No saddie-waddies at my party! Let’s get hammered!” She pulled a long-handled polo mallet from her poofy hair, planted its head onto the table, and leaned against its handle with one foreleg, her rear legs crossed at the ankles. She swigged her mug with her free hoof, disappeared the now-empty mug into her hair, pulled a watermelon from her hair, dropped the melon onto the tabletop, grabbed the mallet with both hooves, and swung at the melon as hard as she could, aiming in Trixie’s direction.
Trixie ducked under the table to avoid being brained. The melon and mallet exploded into another burst of confetti and streamers.
Trixie stuck her head back up and looked around. “That’s... actually a really good trick. Can you teach me that?” She rubbed her chin. “Trixie has been thinking about adding some physical comedy to her act...”
Twilight said, “Nobody can understand Pinkie’s tricks. HaHAAAAAA! ....Believe me.”
“More! Booze!” Pinkie yelled, dropping back to her seat at the head of the table. “I've got twenty-one years of sobriety to make up for!”
“We all had drinks at the castle last night,” Twilight said.
“Yeah, but that was unofficial!” Pinkie said. “Arguably illegal!”
Rarity sipped at something clear and with an olive floating in it. “Pinkie, darling, we love you, but I’m beginning to reconsider the wisdom of this evening’s plan.”
Applejack and Rainbow grinned at each other. “The ‘let's all get trashed and paint Ponyville red’ plan?” Applejack said.
Rainbow hoof bumped AJ and said, “I’m still game for that. Speaking as the second most recent legal adult, I’m glad I won't be the only one waking up in a ditch covered in glitter and duct tape this time.” She smirked at Pinkie, then frowned at her drink. “But if I ever figure out who plucked my flight feathers, it’ll be a dark day...”
Fluttershy snored from her place, facedown on the table, a thin puddle of drool expanding from under her pink hair.
Pinkie grabbed the mug of cider off the tray as the waiter returned, swallowed it in one giant mouthful, and slammed it back onto the tray. “More! I’ve been an adult nearly three minutes and I’m not even slurring!” She looked at the waiter. “Liquor time! A Moo-cow Mule please!”
Applejack held up her hooves. “Simmer down there, sugarcube. Ah had a week-long hangover after my birthday. That ain’t no good trade for two hours of drinkin’ and fun.”
“Yes, darling,” Rarity said with a nod. “Let’s enjoy each other’s company instead of turning ourselves into ruffians.”
Twilight polished off her bourbon and said, “I’ll switch to something lighter now.” She snorted laughter. “Drunk alicorns tend to get into the newspapers!”
“Thou hast — err, you have — no idea.”
Everypony jumped and looked toward the front of the tavern. Princess Luna stood there, two paces from their table, her bat-winged guards standing post on either side of the tavern’s door. All the other patrons and the employees were genuflecting, their faces to the floor. Twilight stood and inclined her head and flared her wings, and the others all scrambled out of their chairs and genuflected. Except for Fluttershy, who snored.
Luna bowed her head and flared her wings to Twilight, then frowned and raised her voice to be heard everywhere in the tavern. “Arise, arise, my little ponies. Our visit is informal. Return to thine — er, to your — drinks.” Everypony rose from their knees, and Twilight raised her head.
“Princess!” Twilight said. “Please, sit!” With a flash of magic, Twilight grabbed an empty chair from another table and dropped it between herself and Starlight. “We’re celebrating Pinkie’s birthday!”
Luna looked at Pinkie. Pinkie beamed, bounced in her seat, and clapped her hooves. “Princess! Did you come to Ponyville for my birthday?!?”
“That is fully one-half the reason for the royal visit, aye.” Luna looked toward the bar and used the full volume of her Royal Canterlot voice: “A flagon of pure grain alcohol!” Everypony in the tavern flinched as the tremendous noise echoed and re-echoed. Her voice dropped to something more conversational, and she looked at Twilight. “An alicorn needs something of higher potency to feel it, does she not?”
Twilight snort-laughed again, and inclined her now-empty bourbon tumbler at the other princess.
The others were silent.
“This is a party!” Luna said. “Thou— you all have become as silent as a funeral. Please, let me be ‘Luna’ and not ‘Thou royal stick-up-the-plot highness,’ for just one night.”
Pinkie’s face slowly twisted from a goofy smile to a frown of concentration. “Princess...” she said, “What’s the other half of your reason for visiting?”
Luna sat bolt-upright in her chair and clapped her hooves, one of her rare smiles across her face. Her voice was high pitched and giddy: “Huzzah! So kind of you to ask!” She paused, took a deep breath, and continued with a more formal tone of voice. “Besides today being the twenty-first anniversary of thine... of your birth,” she said, “it shares the honor of being the one thousand and seventeenth anniversary of Our own.” Luna grinned.
There were a few seconds of flabbergasted silence as that statement sunk in.
Pinkie gasped, eyes widening, and, faster than a teleport spell, was on the far side of the table, hugging Luna so hard that the royal eyes bugged out. Somehow, a midnight-blue party hat had appeared on the tip of Luna’s horn. “Oh my gosh it’s your birthday and it’s my birthday and we share the same birthday and from now on I’ll throw the BESTEST parties oh my gosh oh my gosh OH MY GOSH!”
Pinkie bounced from the table to the ceiling and back. “I can’t believe we share a birthday!” She hugged Luna again.
“Congrats!” “Happy birthday!” “Many happy returns, darling!” Everypony at the table spoke over one another, congratulating Luna.
The waiter appeared at Luna’s side, a sheet of parchment on his serving tray. He shuffled his hooves and looked all around, unable to make eye contact with Luna.
Her face turned imperious again, and she stared down at him. “That is not a flagon of grain alcohol, pure or otherwise.”
“Highness, your princess-ness, ma’am, well, last year, in fact it’s dated one year ago to the day, howsabout that for a coincidence? This paper here, well, it’s a royal proclamation from your sister, see, and it’s your sister’s royal proclamation, and it’s royal, and it proclamates, to every tavern, and public house, and bar, and restaurant, and liquor store, and general store, you see, highness, in all of Equestria, you see...” he trailed off and looked at his hooves.
Luna snatched the parchment from the tray and levitated it up. An excellent — and entirely unmistakable — line drawing of a vomiting Luna filled most of the sheet. In large letters at the top, it read, BY ORDER OF PRINCESS CELESTIA. Beneath the drawing of Luna, in smaller but still large letters, it read, DO NOT SERVE THIS MARE ALCOHOL, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, UNDER PAIN OF THE ROYAL DISPLEASURE.
Luna gritted her teeth. “Do you have... mineral water?”
“Yes, highness. San Palomino Terme, imported from the Bitalian Alps?”
“Is it overpriced?” Luna asked.
“........yes?” said the waiter.
“That shall be the royal drink tonight, then.”
The waiter nodded. “Yes, highness.” He turned and nearly ran.
“AND ANOTHER ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, ON US!” Luna declared.
Everypony in the tavern cheered.
Fluttershy snored once, still facedown on the table.
“Except for Fluttershy, she looks done,” Luna added.
Luna slouched in her chair and crossed her forelegs, a terrifying frown on her face. The conversation around the friends’ table died into an awkward silence. The waiter quickly returned and distributed the next round, which included Pinkie’s Moo-cow Mule, in a large copper mug.
Luna levitated a green bottle of mineral water and sipped, then quirked an eyebrow and smacked her lips. “I taste a hint of uranium. Good for the magic.” Then she slammed the bottle onto the table and frowned.
Pinkie hopped up onto the table, trotted around everypony else’s drinks, and sat down in front of Luna. “Do you want to talk about it?” she sing-songed. “We’re all friends, and it is your BIRRRRTH-daaayyy!” She squeezed Luna’s cheeks between her hooves, making Luna give a frowny puckered face.
Pinkie removed her hooves and Luna spoke. “Our sister loves us very much,” Luna said, “and We... and I love her in return. But she often acts as if she were Our mother!” Luna scowled. “Our real mother died while we were imprisoned on the moon... and We never even got to say goodbye...”
Silence again. Twilight opened her mouth, then closed it again. Starlight and Rainbow both rubbed the backs of the necks with a hoof.
Luna cleared her throat. “Twilight Sparkle, fellow princess and sister in all but name... might We get a sip of that bourbon to clear our head?”
Twilight slapped a shield spell over her tumbler.
“Alas, thou art a rule follower.” Luna sipped her water and the others all took swigs of their own. “At my last birthday, my sister was most perturbed at me.” The royal proclamation parchment crumpled itself up, burst into flame, and flew over Luna’s shoulder, hitting the wall. Luna switched to an impression that sounded more like Granny Smith than Celestia, and waggled one hoof: “Times have changed since we were fillies, Luna! Science has determined alcohol is bad for growning teenager’s brains, and you made some terrible decisions last night!’” Luna returned to her normal, if grumpy, voice: “We are not a teenager! We are one thousand and seventeen years old! It is not our fault that one thousand of those years were spent in stasis, unaging, on the moon!”
She slammed her hooves on the table, and there was a flash of lightning and boom of thunder. “And besides, at my birthday last year, over which my sister was so vexed, I didn’t even catch PREGNANT!”
Everypony in the tavern turned to stare. Lyra, who had been sitting in a bizzare upright posture at the bar, windmilled her forelegs and fell off her barstool. Bon Bon helped her back up. Starlight’s horn flashed, and a shimmering privacy dome slammed down around the table. Twilight nodded to Starlight and mouthed thanks as the background noise of the tavern disappeared.
Luna slouched farther down. “I placed a protection spell on all three stallions, and the royal... mark of marehood... was less than a week late. I was sixteen... I mean, one thousand and sixteen. At that age, one’s marely cycle is often not timed with precision. Celestia was MOST vexed even though I was NOT pregnant!” Lighting and thunder again.
“Stallionssss?” Rarity said.
Luna’s forelegs were already crossed, so she settled for harrumphing them. “A purveyor of toroidal pastries and two charlatan brothers from Las Pegasus.”
Twilight went so pale her face was the same color as Starlight’s. “Donut Joe?”
Applejack turned a splotchy red. “Flim and Flam?”
Luna covered her mouth with her hooves, eyes widening in realization. She lifted her muzzle in the air, recrossed her forelegs, and sniffed. “A princess would never kiss and tell.”
Trixie rubbed her chin. “That’s the sort of thing Trixie is surprised wasn’t in the newspapers.”
“Well...” Luna said. “The night's festivities were contained within the dungeons. I like the atmosphere down there, you might guess. Indeed, dungeons encourage my... amorous moods. The chains and implements of... never mind.” Luna waved a hoof. “Besides, the incident actually happened momentarily before the midnight that ushered in my last birthday, I would technically have been fifteen, or one thousand fifteen, and my sister warned the stallions in question what would happen if they ever publicly bragged about having made... amorous relations... with an inebriated filly.” She grinned. “Celestia didn’t even mention the part about royalty. From the looks on their faces, I doubt they have dared amorous relations ever since!”
Rainbow Dash snorted a laugh and cider sprayed out of her nose.
Pinkie looked up at Luna. “You’re pretty tall for a filly younger than me!”
“Our parents were on the tall side,” Luna said. “Pinkie! Many happy returns. What is your greatest wish for your birthday?”
Pinkie cackled and wrung her front hooves together. “I want everypony to stop treating me like a filly!”
“Pinkie, darling, we’ve saved Equestria something like ten times now,” Rarity said. “Who treats you like a filly?”
Pinkie said, “The stallions! They treat me like a silly-filly! I want to get laid!”
Rainbow Dash clapped her hooves. “Now you’re talkin’! Let’s get this conversation started. Since we’re all adults...” she side-eyed Luna “...now.” Rainbow sat up straight in her chair. “So, Pinkie: straight answer.” Rainbow gave her daredevil grin. “Virgin?”
“Abso-tootly-lootly! Although I hope to fix that.”
Rarity tsk-tsked. “Pinkie, Rainbow, darlings, a proper mare should never ask — or answer — such a question so directly.”
Rainbow said, “Do you know any mares less proper than me?”
Applejack belched.
Pinkie said, “I might not be the Element of Honesty, but have I ever once acted ashamed of myself? Noper-dopers! What you pinkie is what you get!”
“A most wise policy,” Luna said, and tilted her mineral water to Pinkie in salute.
Rarity looked at Rainbow. “If you are so uncouth as to ask Pinkie such a personal question in front of all of us, perhaps you should answer the same?”
“I’m an experienced mare of the world, have been for about two years now.” Rainbow buffed a hoof on her chest and grinned.
“Ah didn’t know that,” Applejack said, reaching up to muss Rainbow’s hair. “Pinkie and her Royal... uh, Luna... both said they’re on Team Stallion. What about you, Rainbow? Which hoofball team are you batting for?”
Rarity gasped. “Applejack! The nerve of asking!”
Rainbow grinned more broadly. “I play for both teams.”
Rarity gagged.
“What's your score?” Applejack said.
Rarity turned red and stood, hooves on the table. “App-ple-jack!”
“Three points on Team Mare,” Rainbow said. “Four on Team Stallion.” She squinted in thought and rubbed her chin. “Well, four and a half?”
“‘Half a point’ on Team Stallion?” Applejack asked.
“Long story,” Rainbow waved a hoof dismissively. “Embarrassing. Sprained both wings.” She flapped twice. “Don’t want to talk about it.”
Applejack twirled a hoof around her mug. “Now we’re intrigued.”
“Yes, darling, as uncouth as this conversation has turned, you simply can’t leave it off there,” Rarity agreed.
Rainbow looked at Applejack and raised an eyebrow. “You, of all ponies, don’t want to hear that story.”
Applejack facehoofed. “Big Mac? M’brother? Really? Okay, we’ll hold off that story until we’re all way drunker.” She beat on the table. “Fluttershy! FLUT-TER-SHY!”
Fluttershy jerked upright with a snort. “Huh? What? Butterflies!” She looked around in confusion, meeped at Luna, and then rubbed her temples with her hooves. “Ohhhhh... how much have I had to drink?”
“About two sips,” Applejack said.
“Oh.... no wonder I feel so awful.”
“We’re doing a survey, Flutters,” said Rainbow. “You a virgin?”
Fluttershy turned bright red, drained her wineglass, said, “No,” and passed out again.
Starlight quirked one eyebrow. “Well, THAT just leaves more questions than answers.”
“THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE.... really doesn’t want to think about Fluttershy’s sex life. Especially which team she bats for.”
Twilight lifted her glass. “Cheers to that!”
“Ah’ll admit,” Applejack said, “that there’s more surprising than the time the Zapp Apple trees started growing Thunder Peaches.”
Rainbow smirked at Rarity. “Your turn, fashion-pants.”
Rarity stuck her muzzle in the air. “A properly bred mare never kisses and tells, darling. Her Highness of the Night made that point herself but a few minutes ago.”
Applejack snoted. “Rarity, there weren’t no secrets in Ponyville Schoolhouse growin’ up. You tell them, or I will.”
“You wouldn’t! I’ll... I’ll tell on you, too!”
“Ah cain’t lie, so that ain’t no threat.”
Rarity’s ears fell flat. “Stallions.” She levitated the olive out of her drink and ate it, frowning. “A fair number of stallions, alas.”
Applejack pointed at Trixie and Starlight. “So, we’ve been taking bets, lately. Are you two an item yet? Or are you two Team Stallion?”
Starlight’s eyes got wide and began darting around the table. She started hyperventilating and, with a flash of light and a crack of displaced air, teleported away.
The noise of the tavern returned as Starlight’s privacy dome collapsed. Luna’s horn flashed and a new privacy dome appeared.
“Ya know,” Applejack said, “if Ah could teleport at will, Ah’d be a mite tempted to abuse that ability. Good thing the universe saw to makin’ me an earth pony.”
“I admit to teleporting into unattended bakeries in the wee hours of the night,” Luna said. “It is most difficult to get a snack in Canterlot between three and six in the morning.” Everypony looked at her. She stamped her forehooves on the table. “I leave money!”
Trixie glared at Applejack. “Starlight and Trixie are friends, not an item. I honestly don’t know Starlight's... romantic proclivities, and she’s been so uncomfortable anywhere around the topic, that the EMPATHIC AND UNDERSTANDING Trixie dropped the conversation.”
CRACK! Starlight teleported back to her seat. Trixie made a Fluttershy-like MEEP! noise and fell backwards out of her chair. Starlight had re-appeared with a paper bag, which she was hyperventilating into.
Trixie kicked her chair back upright and plopped down. “THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE.... asks, Starlight, dear, are you okay? Is this something you can’t talk about?”
Rarity reached across the table and placed a hoof on Starlight’s hoof. “Starlight, darling, is this an... uncomfortable topic?”
Twilight glared at Rarity and mouthed no! but Rarity didn’t see her.
Starlight nodded her head yes, yes, yes! Fluttershy popped awake and said, in her most solicitous voice that nopony could resist, “Starlight, honey, we’re your friends. Do you want to talk about it?”
Starlight nodded slowly. Through the bag she said, “l’ve wanted to tell you all for awhile.” She looked at Trixie. “Especially you...”
“Yes,” Twilight said, “but is this the right—“
Fluttershy whispered, “Ohhhh, I understand. You were... forced?”
Starlight took one last deep breath and lowered the paper bag. Her eyes darted around the table in panic. Her tongue lolled as she panted. Sparks issued from her horn as stress bled off as rogue magic. “There, um, well, yeah, I, uh, hmm, well... er... there was r... r... r... ray... ray... ray...” her voice became tiny. She screwed up her face into a grimace and pounded her thighs with her forehooves, then without opening her eyes, forced the word out: “Rape.” Starlight’s shoulders quivered as she fought tears. Trixie gasped and hugged her. Luna put a hoof on Starlight’s shoulder and glared at Twilight.
The table was quiet. Twilight rubbed her face with her hooves. Pinkie sounded like she would cry: “Oh my goodness it’s my birthday and it’s Luna’s birthday and I can’t be happy and Luna can’t be happy and no one can be happy because Starlight is sad!” Fountains of tears cascaded down.
Rarity swallowed. “Was the... perpetrator... punished, darling?”
Twilight’s ears began to steam. Luna facehoofed. Starlight started gasping again, put the paper bag back to her muzzle, and shook her head no, no, no!
Rarity slapped her hooves to her mouth. Applejack growled, Twilight facehoofed too, and Rainbow jumped up to stand in her chair and started air-boxing, wings flapping in anger. “Point me to him! Point me to him! I’ll beat his feathers off! I’ll rip his horn out by the roots! I’ll... I’ll... something something... humiliating to earth ponies!” Rainbow finished her speech with jab-hook-uppercut-cross, then dropped back to her seat, panting.
Starlight slapped the bag to the table and began talking as fast as Pinkie. “When I was an evil dictator of a village I magically compelled the unmarried stallions come to my bedchambers!” and teleported out.
Luna sipped her mineral water.
Twilight double-facehoofed. “Are you KIDDING ME?!? Didn’t you see me trying to get you off that topic?”
“You KNEW?” Trixie asked.
Twilight shrugged. “Starlight is carrying a lot of guilt. Post-traumatic stress disorder, says our doctor. Plus all her other issues. I’ve been helping her through it. We went to her village a while back and she went to the three stallions and explained the new leaf she has turned over. She was willing to accept jail, or Tartarus, if one of them wanted to hold it against her. They all forgave her, and I issued a sealed Royal Pardon. I’ve been encouraging her to tell you all, but this is the wrong time and place!”
Luna pursed her lips and frowned. “Twilight, thou art no longer authorized to issue royal pardons, ever since...” she looked around the table at the others, and waved a hoof vaguely. “Ever since... the thing, at the place, with the stuff, at the time.”
Pinkie clapped her hooves together. “Ooooohhhh! That sounds like a story!”
Twilight gasped. “What story? No story! Nothing happened that had to suppressed from the newspapers! HahahaHAAAAAAAAA!”
Luna’s face was blank. “Twilight found a book at the Royal Library with two pages missing. Torn out.”
Twilight stood, forehooves spread wide on the table, wings flared. Her eyes went wild. “A reference book! From the reference section!”
Luna raised one eyebrow. “Myself, seventeen royal guards, three plumbers, a mountaineering instructor, four Wonderbolts, and the assistant mayor of Cloudsdale, needed fifteen hours to dig Twilight out of her redoubt. But not before she had issued pardons to three waterfalls, a pecan pie, her calculus textbook, a cross-eyed mailmare, thunderstorms, and the entire population of a petshop.”
“Petshop?” muttered Fluttershy.
Twilight snatched up Starlight’s paper bag and hyperventilated into it for a few seconds.
“I know I can’t issue pardons,” Twilight said, voice muffled by the bag, “But Starlight doesn’t know that.”
“What were your grounds for the pardon?” Luna asked.
“Mental illness. I’m not going to tell you all her confidential medical...stuff. Princess, well, we talked about it when you helped me with those nightmares. You know the details already.”
“Counselin’ Starlight... has been givin’ you nightmares?” Applejack asked.
Twilight continued, “It’s private, between us and our psychiatrists and Luna. Starlight’s gotten her horseshoes on straight now, but she needed some help. Lots of help. Besides!” Twilight snort-laughed. “I, of all ponies, know another...”
Twilight trailed off, and looked at the others. She bit her lip, and looked at her reflection in the bottom of her glass while she spoke. “I’ve never said this before, except to Cadance, Starlight, and my doctor. I’ve always denied it. But here goes.” She worried her lip for several seconds with her front teeth. “Starlight and I are both... both... high-functioning autistics. Helping her has really helped me understand myself.”
Luna said, “I am pleased to hear you say that, finally. Denial is unhealthy. I hoped you would see yourself mirrored in Starlight.”
The rest looked at each other and nodded at Rarity. Rarity said, “We’re glad as well, darling. We’ve known for years, we figured it out your first month in Ponyville, but we weren’t sure why you didn’t ever mention it, darling, in so many words, so we respected your privacy.”
Luna frowned. “Autism neither causes, nor excuses, rape, however.”
Twilight shook her head. “No no no. I never meant that. I’ve coped with it my whole life and never committed any...” she twirled her hooves around her head. “The autism was just the cherry on top of her ‘I need professional help and medication’ sundae. She’s come a long way.”
Luna waved her hoof. “Starlight has, indeed, left her old ways behind. Her mental processes are less distorted than they used to be. I affirm the pardon, but let it stay sealed so that her new reputation can outrace her old.”
Starlight teleported back in and glomped Luna. “Thank you, Princess!”
Luna looked down at her. “No pardons for NEW felonies shall be forthcoming, hmm? And keep your bi-weekly appointment with Doctor Screwloose. I’ve known alicorns with less magic than you. Your anger is like giving the Cutie Mark Crusaders a cartload of dynamite.”
Applejack shuddered.
Starlight sat, wrestled her paper bag from Twilight, brought it back to her muzzle, and panted while nodding yes.
“All right,” Rainbow said. “I’m willing to embarrass myself — and AJ, on her brother’s behalf— to change the subject now.”
Twilight said, “THANK you.”
Starlight’s horn glowed in preparation to another teleport, but a rub on the back from Trixie powered it down.
“Ah am NOT listening to a story about one of my friends bopping my brother.” Applejack pointed all around the table with her left hoof. “And neither are y’all!”
“Then we agree,” Rainbow said, spreading her wings wide. “This is the totally cool story of how I almost bopped your brother.”
“Oh Celestia,” Applejack said, and cradled her head.
“So,” Rainbow said. “Ponyville Schoolhouse. Did they have... sex ed when you were growing up?”
Applejack and Rarity nodded yes.
“Miss Cheerilee?”
“Nope,” Applejack said. “Cheerilee was only a year ahead of us. Ol’ Miss Wormwood. Probably the only mare in Ponyville as old as Granny Smith. She retired when Cheerilee came back from Teachers’ College. Passed away last winter.”
“Let me guess,” Rainbow said. “Unicorn?”
“The angry and annoyed Trixie demands to know what that’s supposed to mean! Trixie never took Rainbow Dash for a... a... a tribeist!”
Rarity reached across the table and stuck her hoof in Trixie’s mouth. “Yes, she was a unicorn. However did you know that, darling?”
Rainbow snorted. “Big Mac kept away from the top of my head, really careful kisser. Like he was afraid he would smack my horn and get a magical beatdown.”
“Ah reckon Miss Wormwood did... reiterate that point when teaching that part of the class. Probably because she got so plum uncomfortable talking about the naughtier bits of the body,” Applejack said.
Rainbow nodded. “Yeah, I can tell. No offense, but I’m sticking with other pegasus ponies for my...” she looked at Luna. “What was the word? ‘Amorous’ awesomeness. Way more radical to not end up in the hospital. Nurse Redheart has a heck of a poker face, but I could tell she was doing her best not to laugh when Big Mac dragged me in on his cart. My wings were soooo swollen!”
“Did my galoot of a brother hurt you?” She pulled her hat lower on her head, expression smoldering.
Rainbow waved a hoof. “Not intentionally, honest accident. Okay, earth ponies: how do you tell a stallion you’re ready?”
“Elbows together,” Applejack said, pantomiming with her forehooves. “Bow head down, rump up, tail to the side. Everypony knows that.”
“Exactly the problem,” Rainbow said. “Unicorns?”
Rarity, Starlight, Trixie, and Twilight all nodded. “Same thing,” Twilight said.
“Good advice!” Pinkie said, pulling a notebook and pencil out of thin air. She shrugged. “Homeschooled. Momma didn’t... yeah. Awwwwwk-ward!”
Rainbow waved her mug around. “Exactly the problem! What do you do with your wings?”
Luna chuckled, Fluttershy snored, and everypony else looked around dumbfounded.
“Wings?” Twilight said.
“You’re a virgin, Twilight,” Rainbow said.
“Am not!” Twilight fluffed her wings. Her horn sparked and her cheeks reddened.
“Really?” Applejack said. “That blush says otherwise.”
“Well, alicorn Twilight is a virgin then, even if unicorn Twilight wasn’t,” Rainbow said.
Twilight tried to take the paper bag away from Starlight. Starlight gripped it tighter to her muzzle and smacked at Twilight with one hoof. Luna, sitting between them, frowned slightly and slid them apart.
Twilight said, “That... is true. Look, Celestia’s School was a real pressure cooker around exam weeks, and Celestia put a contraceptive spell over the whole building. We all blew off steam. After I moved to Ponyville... I took it easy on the whole physical front. But Dash — how could you tell that, though?”
Rainbow fluffed her wings out. “BECAUSE a pegasus isn’t ready until she does the other stuff, and THEN gets her wings out of the way! That means she’s ready. Where is the stallion supposed to put his weight?” She flapped her wings twice, frowning. “These things are fragile, and AJ, your brother is heavy!” Rainbow leaned back and tossed one foreleg over the back of the chair. “Nurse Redheart slipped up and called him ‘Blue Mac.’ That was one embarrassed stallion!”
Applejack groaned and slammed her face to the table. Luna laughed, then covered her mouth with both hooves.
“Princess, darling, it seems not so funny that poor education, through no fault of Big Mac’s own, sent poor Rainbow here to the hospital,” Rarity said.
Luna sipped her water and waved a hoof. “I laugh because something similar happened to me last.... anyway, my wings hurt so much that I blasted the individual straight into a zero-dimensional crack between universes.”
Twilight’s jaw dropped.
Luna said, “I let him out after I sobered up. It was no more than two hours by the clock, and two or three centuries, maximum, subjective extra-dimensional time from his perspective.”
Starlight’s jaw dropped as well, and she let go of the paper bag.
“I... apologized...” Luna finished. “And I’m covering the cost of his psychiatric treatments from the Royal Purse.”
Fluttershy mumbled, “That’s why I stick with mares...” and fell back to sleep.
“The great and powerful Trixie... really wishes she could unhear that.”
Applejack said, “What's your deal, Trixie? Team Stallion or Mare? Or maybe ‘Stallion with one particular lavender exception?’”
Trixie was silent, and pulled her cape tighter around herself. Starlight stopped hyperventilating and put a foreleg around Trixie.
Starlight said, “If you don’t want to talk about it...”
“The great and powerful Trixie... does want to talk about it. Kinda. Maybe. Trixie is self employed and doesn’t have health insurance, or the money for a psychologist. So... maybe talking to her friends...?” she trailed off.
Twilight looked around the table, then nodded and looked at Trixie. “We are your friends, you know.”
“Trixie doesn’t... I don’t want to spoil Pinkie’s birthday any worse?” Trixie said.
Pinkie nodded. “A birthday with friends can never be spoiled, silly!”
“Friends....?” Trixie said.
Fluttershy stirred, raised her head, looked at Trixie, and nodded her head yes as well.
Trixie stared off into space, and her eyes defocused: “After Trixie’s first battle with Twilight... she ran from Ponyville. She could make no money because nopony would watch her magic show, and she has no other skills that can earn a living. Trixie was too ashamed to crawl home to Las Pegasus and tell her dad he had been right all along...” Trixie sat up straighter. “Eventually, Trixie got a job as a common laborer on a rock farm, but for a few months... I had it bad.”
Trixie took another sip of her wine, and Starlight hugged her tighter. Trixie stared into nothingness, eyes closed.
Trixie continued, “Did you know that malnutrition — not hunger, but real starvation — really hurts? Even your teeth start to hurt when you get vitamin deficient enough. You can’t stay awake, because you’re so tired, and you can't sleep, because everything hurts. The starving and moneyless Trixie reached the point where she could count every single rib, and she weighed less than a Cutie Mark Crusader. Her mane was falling out in clumps from the malnutrition.” She absently ran a hoof through her tail, and then wrapped her tail tightly around her midsection.
Luna laid a hoof onto Trixie’s. “During Discord’s reign... many ponies starved. Even princesses. I commiserate.”
Trixie’s voice got small, and she scrunched her eyes shut. “Once... one time... Trixie... I went five days without food. Not even a berry or a sunflower seed. You lose your mind when you’re that hungry, and you’re willing to sell anything you have for a hot meal. Even.... selling yourself.” Trixie’s shoulders shook once, and she leaned into Starlight. “Trixie was so malnourished that she had a miscarriage.”
Trixie’s eyes snapped back into focus and she looked at Pinkie. “Oh, Pinkie, I’m sorry! It’s your birthday, and the depressing and inappropriate Trixie is telling maudlin stories!”
Applejack slammed back her cider and put the mug onto the table. “Ah declare — this isn’t the evening we planned. But Ah think there’s nothing wrong with the talkin’ we’ve been doing. Trixie, Starlight — y’all needed to get those off your chests, it seems?”
Starlight nodded. Trixie buried her face into Starlight’s shoulder. Rainbow said to Applejack, “Is this your way of avoiding telling any sexy or embarrassing stories on yourself?”
“You know it, sugarcube. But we’ve all had enough to drink— “ she grabbed the copper mug of the Moo-cow Mule away from Pinkie and placed it on the table, out of Pinkie’s reach. “Let’s get out of this stuffy bar and get some fresh air, and stop talking about stallions.”
“Mares,” said Fluttershy. “Yes! It’s probably a beautiful full moon out by the lake.”
Luna rubbed her chin. “Well... it could be a full moon. The astronomers are always so cute when I blow up their calculations!” She frowned deeply, her horn glowed and then she threw her hooves in the air. “The lunar illuminance has been doubled!”
Applejack hoofed Pinkie in the shoulder. “Ah think you can gives the stallions a few more days, huh?”
Pinkie nodded. “Honestly, is there ONE stallion in town who could keep up with me?” She unzipped a zipper down her back, revealing two Pinkies and leaving a full-sized pinkie-suit on the floor. “I’m way more than a hoof-full for them!” Each Pinkie then unzipped a zipper down their back, showing that one Pinkie suit contained Pinkie and the other empty air. Then there was one Pinkie and three empty Pinkie-suits. “The stallions won’t be able to handle that!”
Fluttershy, still a little bleary-eyed, gazed at Pinkie, tapped a hoof to her chin, and said, “Reeeeeaaally?”
Applejack looked at her and said, “Simmer down there, Tiger-shy.”
Twilight dropped a pile of bits on the table, and so did Luna. “Let’s go get some fresh air!” Twilight said.
So late after midnight, they had the park near the pond to themselves. It was the brightest full moon any of them ever remembered.
Luna’s guards stood off, at the edges of the park, giving their princess and her friends space. Luna and Applejack faced off in the middle of the grass, and Rarity tossed a buckball to them. Luna bucked at it, her tongue sticking out of the side of her muzzle in concentration. Luna missed, and the ball landed next to her. A bolt of lightning cracked down and popped the ball. “Thine ungrateful orb! Thou dodged Our royal buck!”
Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, hovering (a bit unsteadily) above the other three, burst into laughter and held their bellies. Twilight and Pinkie stood off to the side, and Pinkie pulled a buckball from empty air behind her back and tossed it to Rarity.
“Luna, darling,” Rarity said, levitating the new ball, “I don’t know how many buckballs Pinkie has stashed wherever it is she stashes things, but even she can’t have an infinite number.”
Twilight put a foreleg around Pinkie and they both sat down. “Is your birthday happy?”
“Yepper-deppers!”
Twilight looked at the others. Luna bucked the ball squarely, and fluttershy flapped hard to catch it. Twilight said, “This is more fun than drinking in a bar and talking about... stuff, anyway.”
Pinkie leaned against Twilight. “I’m a little sad to hear the stories Starlight and Trixie told, but Luna’s and Rainbow’s stories were funny, but sad is not what a pony wants to hear on their birthday, but I think it did them good to talk.”
Pinkie twisted her head clean around on her neck. Trixie and Starlight sat together, about twenty feet away, semi-watching the buckball game, too. Starlight wore Trixie’s hat, and although the night wasn’t cold, they were snuggled close together, sharing Trixie’s cape. Starlight was whispering something, her eyes staring at her wrists. Trixie nibbled her lower lip and absently rubbed her lower belly.
Twilight’s sensitive alicorn ears were hearing Trixie and Starlight’s whispered conversation. She pretended she didn’t hear it, however. Starlight was explaining some not-very-old scars across her wrists, and Twilight knew Starlight needed to think she and Trixie had privacy.
Twilight tried not to think about Starlight’s... incident. Twilight had saved Starlight’s life by less than five minutes that night. The memory of the blood — so much blood! — was the nightmare Luna came into Twilight’s sleep to dispel so often.
That was no story for what needed to be a happy birthday.
Twilight nodded to Pinkie. “I went with Starlight to her village, and helped her through that. That was after she surrendered to us and moved into my castle, but before Flurry Heart was born. So... I knew her story. I had no idea what happened to Trixie, though.”
Pinkie hoofed Twilight in the ribs. “Starlight is one of us now, and any friend of hers is a friend of ours. Even if Trixie can still be a meanie-head sometimes. But that’s just her nature, she tries to be better and points for trying! I think if we can know their sad stories now, and can talk to them and help them in the future, well then, that’s the bestest birthday present I could ask.”
Twilight spread a wing and hugged Pinkie with it. “Are you sure you aren’t the Element of Kindness? Or Generosity? That’s a very kind and generous way to look at everypony hijacking your party, Pinkie. And we know how you are about parties.”
There was another flash of lightning and crack of thunder. Pinkie pulled another buckball from her hair and tossed it to Rarity.
Pinkie laughed. “Pretty sure. Dashie and Fluttershy sure fly funny when they’ve been drinking.”
“They both borderline FUI. I might have to give them Royal Pardons.” Twilight snorted.
“Hey, Twilight?” Pinkie said “What you said back in the tavern to Luna? It was Rarity who figured out you are... you know...”
“Autistic? It’s not a curse word. Working with Starlight has taught me that. Yeah... Rarity sews silk panels over the seams in my clothes for me, or I can’t stand the feel. I literally can’t wear clothes with seams. I knew she would put two and two together and get... well, four, such as it is.”
“Yeah,” Pinkie said. “Once she told us, I’ve tried to make my parties just as fun, but not so loud...”
“I appreciate that,” Twilight said. “I think you’re actually the Element of Kindness for sure. The ‘sensory sensitive’ parties aren’t just for those few foals, right? Starlight has said she appreciates them, too. We’re both hypersensitive. That’s one reason she got so, you know, about controlling everything around her, in her bad old days.”
“Parties aren’t fun unless everyone is having fun,” Pinkie said with a grin.
“I can tell how much Starlight loves Trixie, coping with assisting with the noise and chaos of a magic show,” Twilight said. “That’s not easy on ponies like us. ...Are you going to give the stallions a few days?”
“It’s been twenty-one years, silly. I can give them a few days longer.”
Twilight and Pinkie sat together. Luna still had a filly-like look of concentration as she bucked at the ball, but lightning no longer struck when she missed her kicks, and she withheld her magic and flight as she played the earth pony field position. Applejack and Rainbow shouted advice, and Fluttershy flew down to the lake’s edge and puked into the water.
Twilight said, “Fluttershy has the quietest and most demure drunken yark I’ve ever heard.”
“Are you going to ever tell us that story Luna hinted at?” Pinkie asked. “With the Royal Pardons?”
“Not if we all get alicorn wings and live a million years.”
Pinkie nodded. “Yeah, it sounds super-duper embarrassing. At your next birthday we’ll get you totally drunker-wunkers, tie you down, and tickle you with feathers until you spill the story!”
Twilight snorted, then laughed. “I’ll have Spike put it on my calendar!”
