“Princess Celestia, why does our government work?”
There it was, Celestia thought. Twilight Sparkle, Celestia’s socially awkward magic savant of a student, had finally slipped out of her long-running hero worship phase and begun to actually question her comfortable status quo. At least she had brought it up during tea time when they had ample time to talk.
Celestia finished her bite of cake before replying. “Well Twilight, it’s quite a complicated political system I’ve established over millennia, so to answer why it works, let’s begin with what you know and I’ll fill you in from there.”
“Okay,” said Twilight. She thought for a moment, staring at the slice of cake on her own plate. “It’s unlike the governments of other countries. I mean, I know why the Chineighese Communist system didn’t work out. Seizing means of production doesn’t really work when everypony lives in a cottage society where they already have their own means of production. The Hundred Flowers campaign didn’t work because ponies ate them. At least in an herbivore species, Chairmane Mao's idea to replace all the farms with ironworks didn't starve everypony.”
“I’m quite familiar with our eastern neighbors,” said Celestia. “And as I’m sure you’ve noticed, we do things a bit differently here in Equestria.”
“Right,” said Twilight. “And that’s what I wanted to ask about. Compared to all that turmoil elsewhere, you just make all the government’s decisions yourself, right?”
“That’s right,” Celestia replied.
“That’s really convenient,” said Twilight. “And our country works so well, so you must be good at it.” She frowned. “But I’m kind of sad. For everything that you do for everypony, I would think that they would all be really grateful.”
“That’s why we have taxes.”
Twilight waved her fork. “I’m not talking about the money we all pay you to live in Equestria, I’m talking about friendship! Since you sent me to Ponyville all those years ago to learn about making friends, I’ve gotten so many of them. It breaks my heart that I’ve never seen you…just hanging out with anypony. Princess, if you’re such a good pony, why don’t you have any friends?”
Twilight had finally asked the real question. Fortunately, Celestia had been preparing for this moment since she’d first conceived the system upon which Equestrian politics were based.
“You see, Twilight, you’ve made all my friends for me.”
“Well, I suppose I have introduced you to the other ponies who wield the Elements of Harmony.”
“And so much more. While not direct, my place as head of Equestria is secure based on the interlocking levels of friendship that support my position as supreme over all others.”
“That makes sense,” said Twilight. Her brows knit and she put her hoof to her chin, a bite of cake forgotten on her fork. “Wait, what are the levels?”
“We can judge my relative friendship power based on quality of participants and degrees of separation from me. For example, my sister Luna has an incredible rating. Not only is she directly connected to me, but her star power is literally and figuratively off the charts. A dark, moody alicorn princess with a mysterious past? Sending her off for a course in villainy on the moon was the best plan I ever conceived. Of course, I had to begin tweaking popular culture a few hundred years ago to result in today’s society that desires that sort of thing.”
“Wait, what?”
“And then there’s you, Twilight. While you certainly have your own personal merits, it’s your five best friends that really pump up your numbers. Each of them have personalities that make a good fraction of the country’s population love them before anypony else. Plus you have other friends like Moon Dancer and Tempest Shadow. And think, below that level, your friends have friends. Rarity has Coco Pommel. Fluttershy has Tree Hugger. Starlight Glimmer has Trixie and Maud Pie.”
Celestia winked. “But you may want to think about making a few more friends. Since my old student Sunset Shimmer went through the mirror portal to Pedestria and started making friends with the girls there, she’s rising in the ranks.”
“So let me get this straight,” said Twilight. “You’re the most powerful pony in Equestria because I have a lot of friends.”
“No, I’m the most powerful pony in Equestria because I have the widest network of hierarchically-arranged friends. You are an important friend to me, by being one degree of separation away and having a rather long chain of ponies below you.”
“So...for example, Maud meeting her weird boyfriend increased your power, even though he’s never even met you.”
“You have the right idea, but it doesn’t work for stallions. Nobody cares about guy love.” Celestia paused. “Okay, there are a few exceptions. Big Macintosh is technically part of the chain because he brings in Cheerilee, Sugar Belle, and Marble Pie. Marble’s attention-grabbing power as a timid, heartbroken young mare in need of warm hugs is sufficient that she is able to bridge the stallion gap across Big Macintosh to Applejack and then up the rest of the chain. That’s why I had Mac and Marble broken up.”
“What!?”
“You say that like I had the Apple parents killed. I would never do that; Pear Butter had stats at least as good as your or any of your friends’ mothers. Fortunately, she still counts because quality friendship is eternal.”
“How deep does this go?”
Celestia finished her cake. “I’ve planned for contingencies. Every time I allow a villain to best me, your ratings go up for defeating them.”
“So let me get this straight, again.” Twilight shook her head. “You’ve intentionally manipulated potentially dozens of ponies’ lives, up to and including some kind of Oedipian necrophilia, in order to make them all more desirable - in order to make you more desirable.”
“You asked how the government worked.”
“This seems…vaguely illegal.”
“As you noted, I’m the Princess so I make the country’s decisions. Also its definitions. This is a multi-level marketing opportunity.”
Author's Note
This started out as shop talk over at the Pony Canon Research Society and one thing led to another. MitchH, Lady Dominator, mestrej, Merr Chrimuh, Oliver, and Shrink Laureate were at least partially involved.
