Oh Come On, I Just Wanna Rule Equestria!

by BronyWriter

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Cozy Glow, Raven Inkwell, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 2799

Cozy Glow rules Equestria. She doesn't like it that much.

Cozy Glow has won.

She has taken over all of Equestria and with her powers she is virtually unstoppable. With the princesses trapped in the sun and moon, Discord put in stone once more, and Twilight and her friends trapped in Tartarus, nopony is there to stop her. Nothing will get in the way of ruling Equestria.

Except bureaucracy.

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Published 2018-12-24 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-12-24 00:10:01 UTC

Great

"Ha! Ha ha ha ha! Bwahahaha! Mine! All mine! Bow to me, peons! I am the Empress of Friendship, ruler of all Equestria!"

"You certainly are, Empress Glow, but we have some things to discuss."

Cozy Glow stopped firing random bolts of lighting out of her new horn and sat back down on the throne she had commissioned to be her size in the Canterlot Castle throne room. She glared at the white female unicorn in front of her, who was holding a clipboard in her magic. She crossed her forelegs and stuck out her lower lip in a pout.

"Hmpfh. We don't have to talk about anything that I don't want to. I'm the empress of all of Equestria, whoever you are."

"Yes, I know that, Your Highness, and if you have difficulty remembering, my name is Raven Inkwell." Raven bowed to Cozy. "Though most ponies simply call me Raven. I am your secretary."

"Oh, well I suppose I need one of those, I guess." Cozy glared at Raven. "Why aren't you scared of me like most of the rest of the guards and servants? Don't you hate that Celestia and Luna are banished to the sun and the moon?"

"I do."

"And Twilight and her friends aren't coming to save you because I'm the most powerfulest pony ever!"

"I am aware."

"Then... then... Grrrr." Cozy shot another bolt of lightning out of her horn that missed Raven by an inch. "Fear me!"

"Very well, Your Highness," Raven said. "How shall I show it?"

"I just... bguh, I..." Cozy scowled at Raven. "Whatever. You're not worth my time!"

"As you say, Your Highness. Now, am I to assume that you wish to completely take over the position of Equestria's ruler and everything therein?"

"Uh, duh." Cozy rang a bell next to her throne and a pony instantly ran in, pushing a tray carrying a vanilla sundae complete with a mountain of toppings. It appeared as if it would topple over at any moment. Cozy took a spoon off of the tray and shoveled a big bite of ice cream into her mouth.

"I hope you are enjoying that, Your Highness. In any case..." Raven floated the clipboard over to her and flipped through a few pages. "There are several matters that require your attention. You have several documents regarding tax decrees in your office that you must read in order to get your ruling. I understand that they are probably a bit dry, so we can certainly have somepony on hoof to explain some of the minutiae of them to you, should you desire that."

Cozy looked up from her ice cream and frowned at Raven. "What does that mean?"

"It means there is more to ruling a nation than displays of power and ice cream, Your Highness. We can put that aside for now, if you wish."

Cozy sighed in relief and went back to her sundae. "Yeah, I don't wanna do that."

"Very well, Highness." Raven flipped to another page. "Then may I suggest setting a time with the rulers of Saddle Arabia and Zebrica? They have expressed a desire to speak with you."

"No, I don't wanna do that either. They'd probably just be jealous that I'm this powerful!"

"If I may be so bold, Highness, I do not think that an isolationist policy is very wise," Raven said. "Zebrica and Saddle Arabia have been some of our staunchest allies for centuries."

Cozy waved her hoof and rolled her eyes. "Well then, let's just keep that going, or whatever."

"That would require regular meetings and careful diplomacy, Your Highness, especially with a power transition as... tumultuous as this one."

"Golly gee willikers, I just wanna finish my ice cream!" Cozy grumbled.

"Very well, Your Highness. I shall return when you are ready. There are a few other items that I wish--"

"No!" Cozy fired a beam of magic out of her horn that hit the clipboard and caused it to burst into flames. "I don't wanna do anything on that clipboard. Also, you have to call me Your Pretty, Beautiful, Smart, Talented, Powerful Highness from now on!"

"As you command," Raven said, bowing low again. "I shall return later."

"Fine, fine," Cozy said, waving her hoof at Raven. "Just leave me alone."

Raven straightened up and walked out of the throne room. Once the doors were closed behind her, Cozy sighed in relief and grinned at the remains of the sundae. "Alright, now where were we?"

"I think the question isn't where you are, but rather where you should be, Your Highness," a voice from behind the throne said. Cozy yipped in surprise and dropped the spoon as a unicorn stallion walked into view.

"What are you doing here?" she snarled.

"I am merely attempting to get you back on track, Highness," the stallion said. "Your lunch hour ends in five minutes, and you have much to do today."

"I don't have to do anything I don't want to, whoever you are!"

"As I said before, my name is Kibitz," the stallion said, bowing to Cozy. "I am in charge of your schedule, Your Highness, and there is much to be done."

"Golly, you ponies won't let me have any fun with this, will you?"

"There are certainly times for fun and games, Your Highness." Kibitz tapped the clipboard floating beside him. "However, you are late for your next appointment."

"But--"

"You have two options here, Your Highness." Kibitz walked up to Cozy's throne and flipped to a page on the clipboard. "You have petitioners waiting to meet with you on the matter of your hostile takeover of the country. You can either meet with a group of Appleloosan farmers who wish to discuss if their agreements with the crown will remain in place, or you can meet with a group of nobles who wish to discuss if your new government will increase or lower taxes on upper-class businesses. Once you conclude your business with one, it will be time to meet with the other."

"I don't--"

"As I said before, Your Pretty, Beautiful, Smart, Talented, Powerful Highness, I can have ponies there with you to help you," Raven said as she walked in with another clipboard.

Cozy glared at her. "I thought I said that I didn't wanna do anything on your clipboard."

"And it was a message told loud and clear, Your Pretty, Beautiful, Smart, Talented, Powerful Highness," Raven said with another bow. "However, I took that to mean the clipboard that I was currently holding, as you said, and I quote, 'I don't wanna do anything on that clipboard' so I took that to mean you wished to do things on another one. Not all of my events were on the one clipboard."

"Quite right," Kibitz said with a nod. "Her Highness and I were discussing which meeting she should begin with for today."

"Very good, Kibitz. Also, we have to call her Your Pretty, Beautiful, Smart, Talented, Powerful Highness now."

Kibitz grunted and nodded. "Very well." He turned to Cozy. "I do apologize for any insolence, Your Pretty, Beautiful, Smart, Talented, Powerful Highness."

Cozy's eye twitched.

Raven motioned to her clipboard. "If I may be so bold, Your Pre--"

"No! No don't call me that anymore!" Cozy said, putting her hooves over her ears.

"As you say, Highness," Kibitz responded. "What shall we call you instead?"

"Empress Cozy is fine," Cozy growled through gritted teeth.

"Ah, a most wise choice of names, Empress Cozy," Raven said with another bow. "Now, I would suggest meeting with the nobility first. They can be a little volatile if they do not feel they are being respected, and they might take advantage of your inexperience. It will take much to calm them."

"Um..." Cozy glanced over at the remains of her ice cream which had slowly melted into more of a soup than a sundae. "Can't I get somepony else to do it?"

"I suppose we could have a trade minister take the appointment in your place," Raven replied.

"Yeah! Yeah, do that!" Cozy pushed her ice cream aside and reached for the bell to get another sundae.

"If that is your wish, we shall have to give you a tutor or two so you can learn how to run your new country," Kibitz said. "I am certain that after several years you will grow into a wise, beloved ruler."

Cozy's eye twitched and she slowly put the bell down. "You mean more school?"

"We do, Empress Cozy," Raven said with a nod. "There is more to ruling than showing power, after all. However, it will take some time to find a suitable tutor. Perhaps a few days. Now, if you're handing off the meetings today, might I suggest that you meet with the unicorn groups that are petitioning for more magic? We are, of course, grateful that you have left us unicorns with the power of levitation, but certain professions require a little more than that."

Cozy glared at Raven and shook her head. "No, I think that's a dumb idea. They'd just want more and more of their magic back until I've given all magic back to everypony! I'm not gonna fall for it."

"Very well, Empress Cozy," Raven replied. "I shall meet with them and inform them that you will not be providing more magic so that they can return to their jobs as medical researchers who are trying to find cures for horrible diseases that will ensure that no more cute fillies have to die horribly."

Cozy's eyes widened and she put a hoof to her mouth. "Golly, I didn't know they were gonna do that."

"Yes, but I shall inform them that you have made your wise ruling," Kibitz responded. "I must warn you, however, that this could be seen as bad PR."

"No, they can have some magic back for that," Cozy said. "You can say that to them."

"Will you not, Empress Cozy?" Raven asked. "It is your job as empress, after all."

"No, you could probably do a better job than me." Cozy waved a hoof at them. "Yeah, go do all of the stuff on your clipboard."

Kibitz and Raven exchanged a frown and a glance.

"You mean... are you giving control of the country to us, Empress Cozy?" Kibitz asked.

"What? I didn't say--"

"If we are doing everything to rule your nation, then you are simply a figurehead, are you not?" Raven replied. "Even Sombra, for all his evil, actually ran the Crystal Empire instead of merely giving the job to somepony else."

"Is this a temporary measure to ensure that you will not rule until your education is complete, and you feel like you are ready to rule with wisdom, Empress Cozy?" Kibitz asked.

"Although, I must confess that I am excited to see if we are up to the challenge of ruling a nation," Raven admitted.

"You're not the ones in charge!" Cozy snapped.

"Perhaps not in name, Empress Cozy, but if ponies are treating orders from us as they would orders from you, then we are, in fact, in charge," Kibitz pointed out.

"But if you feel that you have the wisdom to rule now, then we shall happily stand by your side," Raven said, bowing once more.

"Though, would you like us to get you a tutor who can teach you everything, or several tutors that specialize in one subject?" Kibitz asked. He looked down to his clipboard and sighed. "Well, I suppose that in either case, I must remake this schedule to fit your needs, Empress Cozy. I admit that this one was for Princess Celestia, and I just changed a few things for you."

"And until we find you a real tutor, we can certainly help you with anything you need," Raven said. "There is much to be done."

"How mu--"

Raven poured more magic into her horn, opening a side door to the throne room. After a brief pause, she cast another spell and clipboards began pouring into the room, clattering down in front of Cozy's throne. Cozy yipped and threw up her hooves to shield her from any clipboards that might fly up and hit her, but still more clipboards arrived.

"Holey shamoley, how many of these things are there?" Cozy cried.

"I have three hundred and ninety-six clipboards, each with around a hundred things for you to do today, Empress Cozy," Raven said. "I have more for you to do in the evening."

"The evening?!" Cozy cried as the clipboards began to get higher than her throne. "No, no, I thought--"

"Well, I shall have to rework my schedule a little more to accommodate some of these, Empress Cozy." Kibitz grabbed one of the clipboards and tisked. "Raven and I will work together in the future so that we can coordinate your events more, but I think that I can fit most of these into your afternoon."

"I don't wanna!" Cozy moaned as she began climbing over the ever-growing mass of clipboards.

"I am afraid that you must, Empress Cozy," Raven said, as she grabbed a random clipboard off of the pile and read the first page. "Or else we might not get a ruling on the three percent tax increase on yams, and that cannot happen."

"But I--"

"Your dinner hour might turn into a dinner thirty seconds at this rate, Empress Cozy, but I think that I can make this work, provided that the events on Raven's five hundred and ninety-three evening clipboards do not conflict with my schedule."

"But..." Cozy let out a yell and shot a wave of magic from her horn, sending clipboards flying everywhere, even as more continued to fly into the throne room. "Forget it! Just forget it!" Cozy shot out a beam of magic that blew through the roof of the throne room. "Here! There's your magic and stuff back! I'm gonna go home!"

"Abdication might be the wisest course of action at this point, Empress Cozy," Raven said with a nod. "Although if there are any matters that you wish to make a ruling on before you leave, we would be happy to hear your wisdom."

"No! Just leave me alone!" Cozy tried lighting her horn to throw a clipboard at Raven, but given that her horn was now purely decorative, that didn't work out so well. With one more frustrated yell, Cozy stomped out of the throne room.

* * * *

Cozy threw open the door to her house and stomped inside. Her father got up from his easy chair and walked up to her with a smile.

"Hey, Cozy, were you been?"

"Uh-oh, does somepony have a case of the grumps?" Cozy's mother asked as she walked out of the kitchen. "I have some chocolate chip cookies baking right now."

Cozy's stomach growled from the ice cream she had eaten. She groaned and shook her head. "Not right now, Mumsie. I'm gonna go lie down for a bit."

"Well that just sounds like the most relaxing time," her father said. "You go rest and we'll call you for dinner."

"Fine."

Cozy walked into her room and slammed the door behind her. She plopped down on her bed and groaned. How had it all gone so wrong? It was simple. Take all of the magic, rule Equestria, be a beloved and feared Empress forever. She wondered if she could convince her parents to move to another town.

A knock on the door brought her out of her thoughts. She groaned and rolled over.

"What now?"

"You have someponies at the door who want to talk to you," her mother said. "It sounded important."

"No!" Cozy screeched. She hopped out of bed, threw open the door, and stomped toward the front door. She opened it up and glared at the ponies on the other side. "I don't wanna... wanna..." Cozy's pupils shrunk down to pinpricks and she gulped. "Um..."

The Mane Six, Celestia, Luna, Starlight and Discord all stood on the other side of the door giving her their best glares. It was at that exact moment that Cozy Glow began to get the idea that she might be in a little bit of trouble.

"Oh golly," she whispered to herself.

* * * *

Kibitz and Raven looked out the window at the chariot that had just landed. It barely came to a stop before Celestia and Luna walked out, Cozy Glow trapped in Celestia's magic. Cozy looked up at the castle and groaned.

"You are in quite a bit of trouble, young lady," Celestia growled.

"What do you have to say for yourself?" Luna said.

"No," Cozy moaned. "No more clipboards. I don't wanna rule Equestria anymore!"

Kibitz and Raven hoofbumped.