Snow. The sign of a first snow is, in most universes, a sign of coming cheer. For whatever reason the denizens of existence have chosen the coming of temperatures cold enough to cause frostbite as the time to break out into tremendous grins.
In many ways, this cheer is a denial of the cold bleak reality that comes with winter. Ignorance.
But in other ways it is less of a denial… and more of a rebellion. The cheer can look the frigid claws of winter in the face and laugh. What are you, some fluffy white stuff? You don’t scare me; you’re the symbol of the holidays! Go on; bring the snow – the more the better!
When you see snow, know this: it heralds a time of rebellion against nature, against the way things have always been. It is a scream that we can do better.
You may find it strange that one of the greatest feats of such a rebellion happened on a world with no inhabitants whatsoever. Before that day, the lifeless rock had never seen a single sapient soul on its surface.
But that was before the harmonious rainbow lit up the sky, setting the planet’s aurora on fire. A particular dusty plateau was witness to a swirling of cosmic light akin in appearance to the angels themselves. It was a shame no one was there to see the brilliance. No witness to the clouds in the sky getting progressively larger until they dominated the sky. In less than an hour snow began to fall on a plateau that had never experienced such weather. It was a light snow that melted as soon as it touched the dusty ground, but it was magnificent nonetheless.
Two holes appeared in the clouds – each a result of spaceship engines firing. One of the ships was a smooth vaguely beetle-shaped metallic drop with a sparkling orange μ symbol engraved on the sides. The other was a haphazard mish-mash of metallic chunks, spikes, skulls, and broken machinery. It looked like it shouldn’t be able to fly, but it did anyway.
The smoother ship opened up first, letting three purple equine beings out into the fresh winter. All three of them had a shimmering horn, impressive feathered wings, and similar faces, but they were clearly different individuals. One was significantly taller than any normal horse with a mane and tail that shimmered with galaxy-like patterns of magic. Another was the size of a pony, with a neatly-trimmed mane and a headset on her head, the device projecting a holographic display in front of her eye.
The lead alicorn was in between the two of them. She was slightly taller than the headset-wearing mare, and had a much more confident smile on her face. Her tail was somewhat short and her mane appeared windswept. Along the backs of her ears two black spikes rose – not quite long enough to be antennae, but large enough to be distinctive.
She cocked her head sideways, turning the hearing devices on. She winced as the sound of the world came to her, forcing itself through her artificial eardrums with no small amount of pain.
“…You sure you need them, Eve?” the cosmic alicorn asked.
“I’m fine, Cosmo,” Eve said, swiveling her ears around in an attempt to get used to the sudden noise. “This shouldn’t take long.”
The headset alicorn raised an eyebrow. “Just because I said they were a simple people doesn’t mean this is going to be easy.”
“J8, don’t worry so much,” Eve said with a warm smile. “They were ready to talk. Which is something I’m very glad to see in this universe. It’s so rare…”
“Which is why we shouldn’t trust it.”
“Shush,” Cosmo said, holding up a hoof. “They’re coming.”
The front of the ramshackle ship across the plateau had opened, revealing six tall, muscular creatures with green skin and spiked armor. Every last one of them looked like brutal monsters of war – but Eve knew better than to judge. She didn’t get to the position she was in without knowing how to look past initial appearances.
“Well, ‘ere we iz. Wot youz have tah say, lil hosses?” the lead beast said with a gravely, gnashing voice. He was a good two heads taller than his fellow warriors and had much more impressive armor with curled spikes. His flesh was home to a few mechanical implants; one of his eyes had been replaced with a red sniper scope and his jawline sported a tooth made of a glowing material.
“I am Evening Sparkle, Overhead of Relations for Merodi Universalis. This is Twilight J8 from the Sparkle Census, one of our allies. This is Princess Cosmo Sparkle of Equis Cosmic, the alicorn responsible for the ‘rainba kolors’ that stopped your ‘Waaagh’ in its tracks.”
“I'z Killkleavah. 'Oo kares about any uv 'dat? Ya wanted ta talk, so talk. Someth'n new.”
Great Celestia, why does the translator spell insist on keeping dialect!? “All right, something new. We have a favor to ask. We’ll let you continue your ‘Waaagh’ on a few conditions, first o-“
“You iz sayin’ it wrong. ‘WAAAGH!’ not ’waaagh.’ Git it right, ya lil sneeky hoss.”
Eve kept a smile on her face. “Very well, the ‘WAAAGH!’ it is.” She shut her ears of when she said the word for her own sake - considering J8’s reaction she probably wouldn’t have wanted to witness it even if she could hear without pain. “The aforementioned conditions are twofold. First, you have to direct your crusade specifically against the Eye of Terror.”
“Sure. Fight'n' iz fight'n'.”
“There’s another condition – but it comes with a bonus as well. You will let ships other than Ork ships fly with you in combat.”
“Wot.”
“You will still be the leaders of the assault on the Eye of Terror – but you must allow anyone who isn’t on the side of Chaos to join in the effort. We will be among them. We may not have a very large military – but we have ships that can cross the galaxy in hours, harmonious magics like the one that stopped your entire fleet’s frenzy, and the ability to jump universes. We expect, over time, the other races of your galaxy to join in the effort. It may be possible to actually defeat Chaos, and this would be the single most important part of that eventuality. All you have to do is allow yourselves to fight alongside other races and ships.”
Killkleavah turned to his companions and started talking it out – with a series of grunts, sighs, chuckles, and back slapping. Eventually, Killkleavah punched one of his companions to the ground and fistbumped the other. He turned back to Eve. “Wot if we don’t?”
“No ‘WAAGH!’”
Killkleavah nodded slowly. “Ya have a deal if we go fight'n' now!”
“Cosmo?” Eve asked.
“I shall go with you,” Cosmo told Killkleavah. “My ships will use the weapon on your enemies now.”
“Ere we go, boyz! WAAAGH!” Killkeavah shouted, pointing back at the ship. All of the Orks got the memo and ran back to their ship.
Cosmo turned to Eve and shrugged. “Guess it worked. See you later.”
“Don’t get blown up by Chaos,” Eve ordered.
“I won’t. I’ll be blowing them up.” She smirked – and teleported to the group of Orks.
Eve swore she heard the cosmic alicorn WAAAGHing with the Orks.
“…Huh,” J8 said.
“You just have to know who you’re talking to,” Eve said, a sly smile on her face. “Let’s go home. I need to prepare a message to the galaxy. There is now hope for Galaxa Immaterium.” She held out a hoof and caught one of the snowflakes.
She couldn’t help but find it fitting.
~~~
Several weeks later…
Evening Sparkle sat at her desk. It was a nice desk with several holographic monitors – but it was still just a desk. A little boring, to be frank. Usually she didn’t mind, but today she had nervous energy.
She started psychoanalyzing herself. Why was this? Was it because there hadn’t been any serious diplomatic incidents for her to take care of in the last week? Had she been sitting on her rump for too long? Was she trying not to think about Them’s Games?
…She was trying not to think about that last one, which meant asking the question was a failure on her part. All the death, destruction, treachery, brutality…
“No consequences. Ha,” she muttered bitterly. She turned to her calendar. At least Hearth's Warming was coming up soon. That was good – it would be great to have a holiday to take her mind off everything that had happened lately. Presents, universe-wide celebrations… She wished the celebration would extend beyond Equis Vitis, frankly, but everyone celebrated their winter holidays on different days and the time discrepancy between universes did not play nice with scheduling holidays. Simply running the Harmonic celebrations was an ever-increasing nightmare as Merodi Universalis grew to encompass more and more universes.
Out of curiosity, she pulled up calendars for the closest worlds to Equis Vitis. To her surprise, she found that Earth Vitis was in Christmas Week. So was Earth Tau’ri… and virtually all other Earths she pulled up the current calendar for. Equis Cosmic was celebrating Hearth's Warming as well…
Eve blinked. “…Are they all lining up? Seriously? The chances of that are beyond astronomical! I…” she shook her head, stopping herself. She chuckled. “Of course they’d all happen on the same day. It’s so unlikely it had to happen eventually.” She double checked all the calendars. She used her magic to type up a quick email to the Pinkie Emporium – surely the gathering of Pink Party Ponies would love to know about a tremendous celebration.
“This is either going to be the best Hearth's Warming ever or the most chaotic,” Eve said with a chuckle. “It’s going to be amazing to watch…”
“Eve, you’re talking to yourself again,” a blue Sapphire Gem by the name of Cessera said, walking by.
“I know.”
“Don’t care anymore?”
Eve shrugged. “Not sure. Got anything for me to look at today?”
“Nothing at all. The political scene seems to have gone quiet. The USM’s gearing up for a Christmas celebration.”
“Of course they are…” Eve rolled her eyes. “Everyone’s got a celebration of some sort.”
“Really?”
“Come look at this.” Eve proceeded to show her the calendars and how they were all lining up.
“Diamond Dust… This is going to cause so much chaos.”
“…Should I feel bad that I’m anticipating it?”
Cessera shrugged, not having an answer.
~~~
Merodi Universalis had twelve different divisions of higher government that oversaw everything within their member universes. Each individual nation of the Merodi may have been allowed a lot of freedom in political structure, but the multiversal society still needed a single governing body that could overrule all others. Curiously, the Divisions did not have a single leader, but rather formed a council out of their twelve Overheads. Eve was the Overhead of Relations, dealing with all of the Merodi’s diplomacy and communication with other powers. There were also Divisions of Military, Commerce, Justice, and Aid just to name a few. One of the most well-known and loved of these Divisions was the Expeditions Division.
Their responsibility?
To form small unified teams of individuals to sent out into the multiverse – usually for exploring, but also for scouting, research, first contact, and occasionally calculated interference in universes that clearly needed help.
The mare in charge of wrangling this mess of colorful teams was one of Eve’s oldest friends – Renee Jackson, a Rarity whose only distinctive feature was a fashionable detective’s hat she always wore. Otherwise she looked just like any other Rarity, though perhaps slightly older.
She operated most of the Expeditions Division from the cutie map room of Eve’s old castle – though Eve had made a point of letting Renee know it was her castle now. Renee had come to accept this over the years, but it would still occasionally strike her how surreal it all was.
It just so happened that she was in one of these surreal stupors as she walked down the stairs to the castle’s main hall. This meant she was woefully unprepared for the appearance of the main hall.
It was decorated. By someone who wasn’t her. The halls were quite literally decked with boughs of holly! This wasn’t the design she had wanted at all this year!
“PINKIE!” She shouted, stamping her hoof on the ground. “What have I told you about rapid decorations?”
“Wasn’t me,” Pinkie said, appearing right behind her. Unlike virtually everypony else from Equis Vitis, she had kept not only her name, but also her normal appearance, looking no different from an average Pinkie unaware of the multiverse at large. “Don’t get me wrong, I really wanted to do it, but you told me not to, so I didn’t! But hey, I have to admit; whoever decked these halls had a sense of celebratory style! Look at this banner!” She zipped to a red and green banner with snowflake designs on it and stroked it with her hoof. “So soft…”
“You… didn’t? Then who did?”
Pinkie shrugged. “Dunno.”
“Don’t know or won’t tell me?”
Pinkie smirked coyly. “I really don’t know. Though if I did know through my spooky knowledge I probably wouldn’t tell you anyway. Because you’re about to find out!” She pointed a hoof behind Renee.
The Starlight they had all known for years – Nova – raised her eyebrow. “I didn’t do this. Seriously, Pinkie.” She took a sip of her hot cocoa. “It is way too cold outside to be adventuring…”
“You are all on holiday, technically,” Renee said. “But you all like working overtime, soo…”
“Am I allowed to regret that decision?” Nova asked.
“Nope!” Pinkie declared.
“Whatever you say, Captain,” Nova said, using Pinkie’s title in a decidedly disrespectful way. Pinkie found this amusing and giggled.
Renee glanced between the two of them. “So… Pinkie?”
“Whoever did it will appear behind you eventually,” Pinkie said with a shrug.
“Now I’ll be looking over my shoulder all day…”
“BOO!”
Renee leapt ten feet into the air and whirled around. Behind her were a gray-skinned woman in a set of orange robes and horns. Slightly behind her a tremendous muscular man in a white coat and hat that seemed partially fused with his hair. The man sighed and grabbed his hat. “Yare yare daze…”
“You have no sense of Comedy, Jotaro,” the woman said, rolling her eyes and adjusting her glasses.
“You have no sense of self-preservation,” Jotaro commented.
“I wh-“
Renee unleashed a bright flash from her horn, knocking the gray woman down. “VRISKA!”
Vriska jumped back to her feet and shrugged. “Whaaat? You shouldn’t be so easy to spook!”
Renee twitched. “I could only wish you had enough of an eye for style to make these decorations.”
“…What?”
“Nevermind,” Renee shook her head. “Jotaro?”
“I had nothing to do with the decorations. I assumed you created them.”
“Oh, I wish... But my designs are not on display. Tragedy. I shall find the culprit behind me eventually.”
Behind her, the Fluttershy known as Flutterfree blinked her red eyes. “Um, I may have a freaky knowledge of sewing, but I didn’t do this.”
“And that’s all five members of the Primary Team crossed off the list!” Nova said. “Woo-hoo!”
“It must be an outside force!” Pinkie declared.
Flutterfree rolled her eyes. “Anyway, girls, I’m here to t-“
“I DID IT!” an excited male voice declared from behind Renee.
Renee turned around again, though she didn’t need to – she knew who the voice belonged to. He was a tall human man with gray-blue skin and a well-made black suit that complimented his wild white hair. “Storm…”
“Yes! It was I, Director Storm, all this time! I have created the perfect holiday decoration for this momentous event! The Omni-Christmas!”
“Hearth's Warming,” Nova corrected.
Storm ignored her, continuing his bizarre monologue. “Behold the banners, the presents, the tree. I have gotten every agent who operates out of this castle a personalized present beneath the needles of the conifer! I have chartered a skiing expedition from the Pinkie Emporium for all agents, and I h-“
“Storm!” Renee shouted. “I asked you not to do this!”
Storm put on a Santa hat with a bell on the end and jingled it. “Renee, you know how much I love the holidays! There was no way you could have stopped me. You should be thankful – I have created a celebration greater than even a Pinkie Party!”
Pinkie was suddenly in Storm’s face. “What did you just say to me?”
“I said this was better than a Pinkie Party.”
“Do you think that you might want to rephrase that?”
“Let me think… nah.”
“You’re so doomed you have no idea.”
“I have a very good idea…”
Renee sighed and turned to her most reasonable friend, Flutterfree. “Technically they’re on vacation and off duty so I can’t do anything to them yet…”
“I’d just let them go at it,” Flutterfree said. “By the way, when they calm down you can tell them I had to go to a service today. It’s the last one before the holiday and I’d like to be there to support Rev. They can go exploring without me if they want, but I kind of think Pinkie and Storm will be at it for a while.”
“I’m betting they’re not done until Hearthsmas,” Vriska suggested.
“Should be Chrithswarmas,” Jotaro suggested.
“At least you didn’t say Christwarming,” Nova said with a chuckle.
“Those aren’t the only two winter holidays you know,” Flutterfree pointed out.
“They’re the main ones for Merodi Universalis.” She took another sip of her cocoa. “Saying ‘the holiday’ doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.”
Flutterfree rolled her eyes. “If you say so. See you around. Vriska, don’t punch Storm, no matter how annoying he may get. …Or Pinkie.”
“Hey! Why do you call me out and not the guy who does all the punching?” She gestured at Jotaro.
“Jotaro has a self-preservation instinct.”
“OOOOOOH!” Nova whooped. “BURN!”
Flutterfree smirked. She hadn’t thought it had been that good, but she’d take it. Her work here was done – she flapped her wings and left the castle.
Pinkie and Storm were still glaring at each other with corny smiles.
~~~
Somewhere a WAAAGH! of Ork ships mixed with Merodi and numerous other types of ships laid siege to a tear in space-time that continually spewed out eldritch daemons bent on nothing short of complete Chaos. It was by far the most successful attack against the forces of Chaos in recorded galactic history, and it was still going strong.
But that was thousands of light years away. In the throne room of the Emperor of Mankind, there were no sounds of battle – merely reports of what was happening on the front. Today, three different people were giving the Emperor a report among the golden walls lined with ornate skull reliefs.
“So, basically, stuff is good,” the purple alicorn known as J8 concluded, clearly in a hurry. At her side was a small black filly with wide eyes taking everything around her in. The skulls didn’t seem to bother her, but instead fascinated her. “I think that’s it!”
The Emperor’s personal Custode – a man known affectionately as Kitten – looked to her. J8 just knew he was raising an incredulous eyebrow under his thin golden armor, but there was no way to visually confirm this. What she could tell was that he was absolutely gigantic for a man, gave off an aura of power akin to that of angels, and spoke with a decidedly unfitting high-pitched voice. “J8, this is no time for quickness. The Emperor needs a full report so he can advise the state of the imperial fleet in the… waaagh. It still feels so wrong to say that.”
“Well you can do that, I’ll get out of here…”
The last member of the reporting team raised an eyebrow J8 could easily see. She was a tall woman with orange skin and hair often described as bacon-patterned. Yet, she was not fully human – she had brilliant orange wings coming out of her back while her head had pony ears and a horn poking out of her angled hair. She wore gloves and what could only be described as a white ‘battle-dress’ lined with red angled markings. “J8, don’t cause an international incident.”
“Corona, come on, Nyx doesn’t need to stay around here.”
“Nyx is a big girl, and this is what you get for telling her you would definitely take her on the next non-combat mission you went on.” Corona adjusted her red triangular shades and smirked. “So sit tight. She might learn something from this.”
“Corona I’m g-“
Corona continued with the report, ignoring J8. “Mighty Emperor, in a more in-depth explanation, the Eldar, Tau, and Necron Affiliates of Unarus have been putting more and more effort into the ‘waaagh’ on Chaos, enough that they are now close to matching the Imperium of Man’s contribution to the effort.”
“Though we’re still nothing close to the numbers of those Orks,” Kitten added. “Good for cannon fodder, I must admit. Can’t believe we never thought of using them like that before.”
“Probably because you’d consider it heresy or something,” Corona said dismissively. “Anyway, the forward-most fleets are currently operating completely within the Warp itself, able to sustain themselves through our interdimensional technology. We suspect we’re getting close to a major stronghold of Khorne.”
“I can’t remember any time in our history when a daemon stronghold in the Warp was ever threatened…” Kitten added. “There’s actually hope of an overall victory here.”
“Even if we definitely can’t achieve complete victory, at least the crusade is finally going in the reverse direction.”
“Oh, and the reports of continued victory are keeping the riots down!” Kitten added. “We might even be able to reveal that you’ve been having private meetings with the Merodi and not expect a civil war as a result! Isn’t this wonderful?”
Everyone waited for the Emperor’s response.
This seemed slightly silly, since the Emperor was little more than an oversized skeleton hooked up to an ancient golden throne humming with ancient technological power. He was the visual epitome of someone who should have died long, long ago, but just kept kicking despite it all. His skeletal body did not move, but there was a sense of life somewhere in there that everyone could feel. It was both terrifying and comforting at the same time.
He could not speak – his vocal cords had rotted away long ago – but he was hooked up to a handy-dandy text-to-speech device.
“THIS IS THE BEST FUCKING DAY OF MY LIFE.”
J8 covered Nyx’s ears with her hooves.
“But mom, I wanna hear what he has to say!”
J8 ignored her.
“IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME WE GOT OUR ACT TOGETHER AND MANAGED TO DO SOME DAMAGE. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG WE’VE BEEN TRYING TO DO THAT? AS LONG AS I’VE EXISTED. AND I’M PRETTY FUCKING ANCIENT. YOU THINK THAT COSMO OF YOURS IS OLD? SHE’S FUCKING PEANUTS TO ME. I TRIED TO GET US HERE, BUT NO, I GOT STRAPPED TO A GOLDEN THRONE AND TURNED INTO A RELIGIOUS ICON! AND THEN THESE FUCKING PONIES SHOW UP ALL FRIENDLY AND START FIXING EVERYTHING!”
Corona blinked. “Are you happy or complaining?”
“He’s the Emperor,” Kitten said. “If he’s not complaining, run.”
“IF YOU’RE RUNNING, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT I’M THE MOTHER-FUCKING EMPEROR.”
J8 gasped and pressed Nyx’s ears tighter. “Ow…”
“DO YOU PONIES ALWAYS TAKE EVERYTHING SO FUCKING LITERALLY?”
“Uh…” J8 started sweating.
“I ASKED A QUESTION.”
“Well, you see, culturally we don’t like swears. It’s considered wrong to say them and very few actually existed in Equestria before we found the multiverse, so it’s a little taboo.”
“AH. I UNDERSTAND.”
J8 removed her hooves from Nyx. “Thank you.”
“I JUST HOPE YOU KNOW THAT I’M THE VERY SAME EMPEROR WHO TOOK A LOOK AT THE HUMAN CULTURE THAT HAD FORMED DURING MY SILENCE AND DECIDED TO STOMP IT OUT AS QUICKLY AND AS AGGRESSIVELY AS POSSIBLE. DOES THAT SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT CULTURE?”
J8 gasped. “Stop saying fuck around my daughter!”
Nyx gasped. “Mom! Yo-“
“Not now Nyx, mom needs to give t-“
“Mom needs to calm down,” Corona said, folding her arms. “It’s just a swear word. It’s not like it brainwashes you.”
“Children are impressionable!”
“I’m standing right here!” Nyx blurted.
“Yeah, and swear words are just words.” Corona rolled her eyes. “It’s not like he’s trying to hurt anyone with them.”
“I JUST ATTACKED HER CULTURE HOW IS THAT NOT OFFENSIVE?”
“You’re not helping your case.”
“WHAT CASE? I’M THE EMPEROR. THE EXISTENCE OR NONEXISTENCE OF A CASE IS DEPENDENT ON MY OBSERVATIONS.”
Kitten let out an overly dramatic sigh. “Can we just move on? The sullied mind of one child isn’t going to be drastic. You’re all too soft out there in the other worlds anyway, you could stand to have your children exposed to some reality every now and then.”
“Your world is grimdark, Kitten.”
“WITH A HINT OF COMEDY,” the Emperor added.
Kitten blinked. “…Why are you describing it in that way?”
Corona blinked. “Wait, nobody briefed you on ka?”
“What’s ka?”
“Oh, uh, geez, let’s not go there right now. Go talk to… a certified Pinkie… Or…”
“IT’S FOURTH DEGREE INTERDIMENSIONAL WARP FUCKERY.”
“…What?” Kitten asked.
“YOU’LL FIND OUT LATER. IT’S NOT IMPORTANT FOR THIS CHAPTER IN OUR LIVES.”
“…I feel like you made some odd word choices there, my Lord.”
“He’s trolling,” Corona explained. “Don’t worry about it right now. Regardless, I think we completed our report a while ago, Emperor. Any major decisions that need making?”
“THE GENERALS HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL FOR ONCE. WHICH IS UNHEARD OF.”
Corona nodded with a smile. “Then I think we will give in to J8’s wishes and get out of here. Our society is about to have a several-universe synchronized holiday celebration. Christmas-Hearth's Warming-something.”
“HOW CAN YOU HAVE A SYNCHRONIZED HOLIDAY WITH ALL THE TIME DRIFTING?”
Corona shrugged. “Just got lucky, they’re all arriving at the same time this… I want to say year, but for some universes years aren’t a thing, so…”
“KITTEN, DON’T WE HAVE A HOLIDAY COMING UP IN A FEW DAYS TOO?”
“Yes, my Lord. Sanguinala is coming up.”
“WE ARE JOINING THIS CELEBRATION. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN COUNTLESS MILLENNIA, THERE IS HOPE FOR THE GALAXY TO ACHIEVE SOME SEMBLANCE OF PEACE. THE WARS HAVE FOCUSED AND THE ENEMIES ARE STRUGGLING LIKE THEY NEVER HAVE BEFORE. WE NEED TO GET IN THE SPIRIT OF THINGS AND BECOME ONE WITH OUR OUTER ALLIES. SUNDIAL, TAKE NOTES, WE NEED TO GET A MANDATORY SNOWY HOLIDAY READY.”
“Um, my Lord, I don’t think this is the best idea…“ Kitten said, unheard by all.
“THERE WILL BE PRESENTS. THERE WILL BE FEASTS. THERE WILL BE JOY. THERE WILL BE A FUCKING TREE DECORATED WITH COLORFUL OBJECTS. THERE WILL BE SKULL TOWERS AGLOW WITH LIGHTS. ARE YOU GETTING ALL THIS?”
Kitten sighed. “Yes, my Lord, I’m getting it…”
“How’d you get the Santa hat?” Nyx asked the Emperor, pointing at the red and white hat the skeletal figure definitely hadn’t been wearing a moment ago.
“I’M THE MOTHER-FUCKING EMPEROR, THAT’S HOW.”
“That’s it! I’m leaving!” J8 said. “GOOD-BYE!”
“…I think I’ll stay and see how this celebration of yours starts,” Corona said. “I think it’ll be interesting.”
“GOOD. YOU CAN BE FESTIVITY ADVISOR FOR THIS HOLIDAY SPECIAL.”
“Best title ever.”
“…Please stop encouraging him…” Kitten muttered under his breath.
~~~
Rev was the head of the largest church on Equis Vitis – located in the middle of the multiversal metropolis that was Ponyville, it was rather humble in appearance for how large it was. Sure, there were stained glass windows and the stage was decorated with a couple of crosses, but otherwise the interior was simple. The chairs were padded, but wooden, and arranged in orderly aisles. The podium only had one microphone, and there wasn’t any fancy lighting to aid Rev’s appearance. There wasn’t even a backstage – though there was a soundboard toward the left of the stage used for worship.
Rev was a unicorn – specifically, a version of Starlight Glimmer who was known to have explored the multiverse for much of her life. Her story was an interesting one that only her closest friends knew. This happened to include Flutterfree, who was sitting in the front row with her eyes glued on the pinkish unicorn.
“…and that’s what Christmas means to us. It’s not an excuse to get things, nor is it really a glow to fight the cold of winter. It’s the day we’ve chosen to remember the birth of our Savior. He never told us to celebrate the day of His birth – it was something we thought to do ourselves. It’s a beautiful idea, I admit, but I almost never see the day bring about its full potential. I encourage you to be wary – wary of all the gifts, wary of the world’s desires. Keep close to your hearts what this day really means.” She paused. “Let’s close in prayer.”
After the service ended and people started filing out, Flutterfree trotted up to Rev. “Bit of a downer, don’t you think?”
“It takes every ounce of my self-control not to turn into a fire-and-brimstone spewing madmare during the ‘Christmas sermon’,” Rev muttered with a bitterness that surprised Flutterfree tremendously.
“Rev? …What did Christmas ever do to you? …And Hearth's Warming, for that matter.”
“It’s Exmas is what it is.”
Flutterfree raised an incredulous eyebrow. “You probably shouldn’t be passive-aggressively quoting C. S. Lewis.”
“Every year, it comes around,” Rev said, walking up to one of the stained glass windows. “A day that has its origins in one of the most momentous event in existence. A day set to remember that moment. And what do people do with it?” She gestured out a different window, one without stained glass. “They create a celebration of things. There’s nothing wrong with giving, but giving out of obligation, out of a societal requirement...” Rev growled. “Instead of focusing on Him, they focus on who’s gifts they’re getting, what they’re getting from everyone else, and basically just celebrating money and possessions. That is the exact opposite of what the day should be. It’s Exmas, Flutterfree, a completely different holiday at ends with what it’s supposed to be. And we just let it into our lives.” She stamped her hoof on the ground. “One of these years I’m going to go on a rant in public and I’m not going to be able to stop myself.”
Flutterfree cocked her head. “Don’t you think that attitude’s against the spirit as well?”
“I’m not against Christmas, it’s this Exmas thing th-“
“Rev, I can’t believe I’m the one telling you this, but calm down.” Flutterfree put on a comforting smile. “You can celebrate how you want and everyone else can celebrate however they want. Most people on Equis Vitis celebrate Hearth's Warming anyway. Has nothing to do with Christmas.”
“Higher human population, more Christmas,” Rev pointed out. “Plus, if we factor in the Tower, it’s still from Christmas.”
“O’Neill describes it as more of a ‘Gift-giving Independence Day’.”
Rev shrugged. “I mean… You are right about that, Hearth's Warming isn’t hindering growth as much. But as a holiday, it’s still forgotten where it’s come from. When was the last time you felt particularly patriotic on Hearth's Warming?”
“…Uh…”
“Exactly. It’s a celebration of your nation, and yet you’ve fallen into the same trap of making it about gifts. All the gifts. Have to make sure everyone you know has a gift, have to get them the best gift, have to set up a web of obligations, listen to the music all the time, go into the stores…” Rev narrowed her eyes. “You think the anti-big-business laws would mitigate the Christmas rush, but oooooh no…”
Flutterfree blinked. “…Oh geez, I haven’t gotten Eve anything.”
“See? Even you’re hung up on it.”
“…What could I even get her?” Flutterfree wondered. “Considering… You know…”
Rev’s features softened instantly. “Oh, Flutterfree… You’re still working through that. You shouldn’t feel obligated to get over it b-“
“But what if she is expecting one? It’s already strained enough as it is what if w-“ Flutterfree stopped. She could see that Rev was struggling not to go on a rant along the lines of ‘see? This is what the holidays do!’
Rev saw her notice. “Flutterfree, I’m sorry, I-“
“I understand, it’s difficult for you to move past this.” Flutterfree shook her head. “You’re holding a grudge, Rev.”
Rev didn’t have anything to say to that.
“I’m going to go find Eve a present,” Flutterfree said. “…No idea what it’ll be. I’ll probably go more than a little crazy trying to find the perfect thing for her. You’re probably right the holidays are going to do nothing but strain us on that one point.” She smiled. “But I’m going to work through it. I don’t know how, but I will. I can just feel the cheer in the air. See you for Christmas dinner.”
“…Same,” Rev said. After Flutterfree left, she found herself in the ‘stare out the window and pray’ mood.
That’s never a good sign for my mental state…
~~~
They were known as the most adorable group in Merodi Universalis.
They, for the most part, did not resent this label. Sure, it was a bit demeaning at times, but they regularly used their cuteness to their benefit. Even with the adult agents, the League of Sweetie Belles had a general adorableness about them that could easily be weaponized.
In this particular case it hadn’t been particularly useful.
“You are the most disgusting things I have ever laid eyes on,” the latest Evil Abomination from the Depths of Despair said, glaring at them with nineteen different eyes, each on the end of a black, oily tendril. The beast’s voice probably should have turned the minds of the League inside-out, but they had magic defenses in place to prevent such a thing.
“Oh come on!” the oldest Sweetie Belle blurted. She was a tiny mare with a decidedly exasperated expression.
“Allure, I thought we agreed to stop saying that?” another Sweetie asked with a voice that sounded as she were in a cloud of helium. She was taller than the rest and had a more muscular build. An orange-gold hoofband around her front leg indicated her enrollment in the military of Merodi Universalis.
“Agreement was not at a hundred percent!” the smallest Sweetie responded – a filly-sized robot with bright green eyes. “Squeaky is in error!”
“And Bot needs to stop nitpicking,” Allure reminded her robotic self.
“But she’s funny when she does that! It’s her running joke!” This line was spoken with a monotone, almost robotic voice. It came from a being that looked like a human girl at first glance, but upon closer inspection she was completely two-dimensional and her mouth didn’t move when she spoke. She looked very out of place, which was expected since she was from a universe with physics wildly differed from the one they were currently standing in.
“Burgerbelle agrees!” Bot chirped. “I second the vote! We need a higher value of agreement! Thrackerzod?”
A lean unicorn with deep red eyes and an unsettling aura glared at Bot and spoke with a voice deeper than anything had a natural right to be. “We’re doing it again. Arguing pointlessly amongst ourselves for ‘fun’ while the enemy of the day stares on in bafflement.”
Allure rubbed the back of her head. “Oh yeah… Whoops.”
“Actually, now that you bring that up…” Squeaky turned to the beast. “Why did you let us finish that conversation.”
The beast blinked half of its eyes. “Your lack of fear is astounding.”
“You aren’t our first rodeo,” Burgerbelle said, expression shifting to cocky without passing through any of the middle states. “The eye-thing isn’t even interesting anymore.”
The beast bristled. “I’m not here to be interesting! I’m here to be threatening! This world will fall to me and… Are you even listening?”
“I’m listening!” Allure assured it.
“Bot’s not,” Thrackerzod pointed out. Bot was staring off into space.
“Hey, Bot.” Squeaky waved a hoof in front of her eyes. “Equis to Sweetie Bot, helloooo.”
“Initiate apology!” She bowed her head. “I was just looking at the Hearth's Warming-Christmas celebration emails and wanted to go home.”
“We can go home after this,” Allure said with a soft smile. “Don’t worry.”
“I’M THREATENING TO KILL YOU!” the beast shouted.
“You’re a lot of talk and no bite,” Thrackerzod deadpanned. “If you’re so exasperated by our continued drudgery, take action to ease your pudding-like organ you call a brain.”
The beast took her advice. It raised a claw and brought it down – surprised to see a sniper rifle pop out of Bot’s back and snap the claw in half. “What i-“
Burgerbelle smirked. “Burger.” She threw a burger into the beast’s face, confusing it considerably. She gestured to Thrackerzod, who was already charging up an immense beam of dark, eldritch energy on the tip of her horn.
She never got to use it. The beast exploded in a burst of pink flame. Sticky monster goo splashed over the five of them. It slid right off Bot and Burgerbelle, but the other three got the disgusting gunk stuck in their fur.
“Oh come on!” Allure blurted.
“Strike two,” Squeaky said with a roll of her eyes.
“All right, who eliminated the target?” Bot asked. “Insufficient data!”
Thrackerzod blinked. “I sense a strong presence in the- oh by Azathoth’s second left ventricle, not this prick.”
“Who is it?” Allure asked.
“It’s that new g-“
“I HAVE BESTED THE STRONGEST SCION OF CHAOS WITHIN THIS WORLD!” The Sweeties looked up to see a tall being that was probably human, but it was hard to tell with the armor, extravagant dark robes, and absurdly oversized fake horns coming out of the helmet. In one hand, he held a staff with a ruby eye-shaped crystal within, while the other was brimming with blue-pink energy. Overall, he gave off a ‘dark Egyptian space god’ vibe. “It was nothing but a trifle! The complexity of chaos within this realm is so disappointing!”
Behind him, a gaggle of several men in dark space-marine armor nodded in agreement.
“And once again, there is no sign of deep knowledge for me to uncover! Another pointless trip! Absolutely worthless!” He turned to the two beings in his party that weren’t just random men in armor. “We’re finding a forbidden library next time!”
The two Demonic creatures – one a floating metallic disc with a giant eye, the other a humanoid monstrosity made of flaming maws – made no response to him.
“Utterly useless. Also, you unicorns, stop sneaking away, I’m not an idiot, I see you there!”
Allure stopped in her tracks and rolled her eyes. “It was worth a shot.”
Thrackerzod cleared her throat. “Ahzek Ahriman, what is your purpose here in this universe? Has Tzeentch chosen to ignore the Beacon treaty?”
“Beacon treaty?” Ahzek narrowed his eyes. “Wait, that. But you can’t complain about me taking down a chaos beast, can you?”
“We could.”
“But you won’t. Ahahaha!” His laugh was overly cartoonish despite his serious, dark appearance. He pointed his staff at them. “You owe us.”
“We don’t owe you anything,” Squeaky pointed out.
“It was basically a kill-steal,” Burgerbelle observed.
“We could have handled it ourselves anyway,” Thrackerzod said.
“Oh really?” Ahzek laughed. “You think you could have taken care of that beast easily? You are but fluffy little ants compared to my might!”
“I think we both know you’re just blowing smoke, Ahzek. Your power is not your own.”
“Neither is yours, Thrackerzod of Azathoth! You are more eldritch than I. Your double standard is… cute.”
Thrackerzod didn’t miss a beat. “And your eternal search for knowledge is doomed because your god will stop at nothing to keep you from finding his true nature.”
Ahzek leaned in. “I understand there is a dimensional treaty concerning exploration efforts. I also understand that your nation has a major part in the current siege on the Warp.”
“You’re glad Khorne’s getting his ass kicked,” Squeaky said.
“It’s the principle of the attack,” Ahzek said. “I’m sure it would be completely understandable if I destroyed all of you as revenge for our losses…”
The disc daemon let out an eldritch sigh. “Tzeentch has ‘requested’ you adhere to all treaties, even if you think it is safe to break them.”
“Shut it D’mirik, I know what I’m doing.”
“You unknowingly broke the beacon t-“
“I am not letting these ponies disrespect us so! I am Ahzek Ahriman, and I cannot let any such slight go ignored!”
“Then set up a competition or something. There are ways to retain honor and intrigue without bringing ruin upon us. I expect you’ve already thought of this.”
“Of course I have,” Ahzek said dismissively. Burgerbelle snorted, but Ahzek chose to ignore her. “The League of Sweetie Belles! I challenge you to a duel!”
“No death,” Allure said.
“Pathetic…” Ahzek growled, curling his hand into a fist. “Very well, I will agree to your terms. No death. You will still fall like the dominoes you are…”
“Wait!” Bot declared. “Who’s fighting? How many on each side? What limitations to mental abilities are in place?”
“Five on five,” Thrackerzod said. “No damage that cannot be healed with modern technology. Fair?”
“…Are we really doing this?” Squeaky asked. “It seems ill advised.”
Allure shrugged. “Eh, we didn’t get to take on the eye-thing. This could be interesting. …Do you mind waiting a bit longer for the holidays Bot?”
“Excitement for duel is at maximum!” Bot reported.
“That’s what I thought.” Allure tossed her mane back. “As Renee would say, ‘this is decidedly unladylike’. Good thing I’m not my sister.” She grinned, taking up a battle stance.
Ahzek chuckled. “Foolish little ponies…”
~~~
Eve scrolled through a holographic screen containing all the updates on the holidays. Government offices had been decorated – some by unexpected means, she learned from Renee’s message – and there were already several prominent figures planning to give speeches on the meaning of the holidays.
Eve thought that last bit was a little silly. After all, the holidays were several different celebrations. Christmas, Hearth's Warming, whatever it was that the ‘demons’ were celebrating. …The bug-people had a habit of not naming their celebrations.
The point of every celebration was slightly different, and several of them didn’t involve the exchange of gifts, though that was by far the most prevalent aspect of the holidays.
Speaking of gifts… She opened up one of her personal checklists. This particular one contained the names of everyone she knew well enough to give a gift to. Every name had a check box next to it except for one. Flutterfree.
Eve’s smile vanished when she saw Flutterfree’s winking icon. She gulped – right, she needed to get Flutterfree a present… But how could she, after what had happened in the Games?
There’s no way I’m not thinking about them now…
She refused to think about the details of the double-betrayal, but she couldn’t get the knot out of her stomach even with that. She and Flutterfree were still working through it, and every time they saw each other… It was still there. Strained, like a twig about to break.
The wrong gift could destroy everything.
Don’t be ridiculous, she told herself. She’s not cruel.
You have to get her something great, though. Because something like a candle will be damaging. You have to make up for what you did.
Oh…
Eve gulped. What was she going to do? She had to think of something… Something for her animals? …Perhaps she should ask Discord what Flutterfree wanted. No, no, it had to be something more personal than that, more meaningful. Something that would continue to rebuild the bridge between them.
She had no idea what that would be.
“Cessera, I think I’m actually going to take my holiday break,” she said, standing up tall.
Cessera raised an eyebrow. “Really? You, not work?”
“I’ve got… something to take care of.”
“I know.” She pointed at her eye, reminding Eve that she did have some level of future-sight.
Eve smiled. “Hope you can handle anything that shows up.”
“Should have no problem.”
Eve teleported out of her office, mind racing.
~~~
“HOW ARE THE PREPARATIONS COMING?” the Emperor asked.
Kitten let out a dramatic sigh. Corona wasn’t surprised at this point – it appeared to be the Custodian’s general response to any question he didn’t want to answer. “Not well, I’m afraid.”
“WHY THE FUCK NOT? IT’S A HOLIDAY. I’M ASKING THEM TO DECORATE AND BE HAPPY, IT’S NOT LIKE THERE’S ANY ASININE GIFT-GIVING REQUIREMENT.”
“Yeah, it didn’t seem too bad to me either,” Corona observed. “Though you did demand they make snow.”
“ONLY ON TERRA. BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, WHEN WOULD WE GET SNOW OTHERWISE?”
Corona shrugged. “Are the people of Terra open enough to the Merodi to allow some pegasi…?”
“The majority opinion of Terra has been shifting toward the Emperor for the last few years,” Kitten explained. “Which means about… sixty-five percent of people won’t shoot you out of the sky in a bloodcurdled rage. Most of them will be kept at bay by the ‘holy’ nature of Terra, but someone’s going to find a way to burn you so not a drop of blood will be spilled.”
“FUCKING LOOPHOLES. I DESPISE THE WAY THEY USE THEM, BUT I ALSO CAN’T HELP BUT FEEL A LITTLE IMPRESSED.”
“Hmm…” Corona said, scratching her chin. “…Wait, if Terra’s on the Emperor’s side, what’s the problem with the snow?”
“The snow isn’t the problem, we just got sidetracked,” Kitten said. “The real problem is that we’re holding it on Sanguinala. A holiday of mourning and remembrance of the fallen Primarch, Sanguinius. The people who take the day seriously are starting to riot.”
“WHY THE FUCK CAN’T THEY BE HAPPY FOR JUST ONE DAY.”
“They’re pretty insistent about being melancholy the entire time. …Well, the people who care. They are a minority, but as we just said, a minority can be very dangerous.”
Corona glanced at the Emperor. “You scheduled a holiday of cheer and celebration over one about mourning?”
“YES.”
“Mourning over one of your own sons nonetheless?”
“I AM HIS FATHER, I GET THE RIGHT TO MOURN HIM THOUSANDS OF YEARS AFTER THE FACT, NOT OTHER PEOPLE. PLUS, YOU TOLD ME SANGUINIUS’ HALF-SOUL-THING IS STILL DRIFTING AROUND SOMEWHERE AS A FRAGMENT. YOU CAN HELP ME GET HIM BACK WHEN CHAOS IS DEALT WITH.”
“My Lord, they can’t know that,” Kitten pointed out.
“THEY’RE MINDLESS SHEEP, OF COURSE THEY DON’T KNOW.”
“I think you’re kind of missing the point…”
“Why not just take the order back?” Corona asked. “It’s not like this ‘snow day’ you’ve declared actually means much.”
“THEY’RE GOING TO BE HAPPY AND LIKE IT. WE’RE. GOING. TO. CELEBRATE.”
“The riots are interfering with the celebrations of others,” Kitten pointed out.
“I GIVE SO MUCH TO THE PEOPLE OF THE IMPERIUM. I SIT ON THIS THRONE IN ETERNAL AGONIZING PAIN, KEEP THE PLANET FROM BLOWING UP, FIGHT THE LEGIONS OF CHAOS WITH MY VERY SOUL, AND KEEP THEM FROM DESTROYING THEMSELVES IN THEIR CEASELESS DEVOTION TO WAR AND DESTRUCTION. WHY THE FUCK CAN’T THEY LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING?”
Corona shrugged. “People will get riled up over everything?”
“OF FUCKING COURSE THEY WILL. THEY’LL GROW TO APPRECIATE THIS NEW HOLIDAY AND THANK ME FOR IT. FUCK THEIR OLD CELEBRATION, SOMETHING HAPPY AND FESTIVE IN THEIR LIVES WILL DO THEM REALLY GOOD. HAVE YOU SEEN THE LEVEL OF WAR AND DARKNESS OUTSIDE? YES, OF COURSE. THEY FUCKING NEED THIS.”
“They need it, or you need it?” Corona asked.
“KITTEN, WHY DO I ALLOW HER TO QUESTION ME?”
“She’s not one of your citizens, my Lord,” Kitten answered.
“THAT’S SOME EXCUSE.”
“Because you value the opinion of others even if they differ from your own?” Corona suggested.
“SURE. LET’S GO WITH THAT.”
~~~
Rev took a walk along the streets of Ponyville. The multiversal metropolis hardly deserved to be called a ‘ville’ anymore, but nopony could bring themselves to change the name. Billboards shined bright even in the middle of the day, the streets were filled with hovering cars of all sorts of models, and numerous multiversal ships could be seen rising into the air and leaving the world every moment. The city had grown into an overall crescent shape, sort of hugging the Everfree Forest.
Rev tried to keep up a smile for everyone she saw. However, she had pushed the conversation with Flutterfree to the side of her mind, focusing her attention on surviving the saturation of CHRISTMAS bearing down on her from all sides. Images of Santa were everywhere. Even though Merodi Universalis had kept public advertising to a minimum, there were still giant neon billboards decorated with red, green, and white icons of BUY BUY BUY. Shops had trees, lights, and people in Santa costumes. Even the Hearth's Warming themed places were bad. They didn’t have Santa, but they had images of the Equestrian Founders instead. Chancellor Puddinghead was a favorite.
Rev did spy one decorated for a different holiday – the Yak’s Snilldar Fest. Which was about, snow, smashing things, and family. The family part was good. The rest of it Rev usually tried to put up with and respect culturally, but she was already in a sour mood so she just let herself steam over the encouragement of violence.
“HO HO HO!” A tall man in a Santa outfit blurted, moving right in front of Rev. “MERRY CHRISTMAS!”
“Buzz off,” Rev muttered, moving past him. She ignored whatever he said next.
The next thing to grate against her was a human mother and her child.
“But I don’t wanna go!”
“If you don’t behave, you might not get any presents from Santa! You don’t want that do you?”
Rev twitched. “Kid, Santa’ll give you a present regardless. Though only this year, because we usually don’t go out of our way to hire some from the E-Sphere. Rest of the time Santa doesn’t exist.”
The kid looked at her, clearly not fully comprehending what she said. Rev had faith she would with a few minutes.
“What’s… What’s wrong with you!?” the mother shouted.
“You were lying to your kid.”
“How I chose to raise my child is none of your business!”
“I ca-“ Rev got a purse to the face. Dazed, she fell back into a snowdrift. “AUGH!”
“Ho ho ho! You seem to have a case of the Scrooges!” It was the Santa from earlier. He had a hand extended to help her back up.
“I AM NOT SCROOGE!” Rev shouted, tapping into a side of her that had rarely showed itself since she stopped being Starlight. She lit her horn and cast a dimensional spell, popping away from Earth Vitis. She specifically went to somewhere in Merodi Universalis that would be more understanding of her plight. A world that wouldn’t be saturated with the sinful ‘celebrations’ of the holidays.
She appeared in the middle of a living room. Sitting on the couch was what could only be described as a cucumber with eyes, a nose, and a mouth.
“Uh… Hey,” the cucumber said. “Do you want a Christmas cookie?”
Rev smiled. “Yes, thank you.” She accepted a heart-shaped sugar cookie and bit into it. “Sorry for just popping in like this, Larry. I just needed to get away.”
“From what?” the cucumber asked, clearly confused.
“Oh, you know, the oversaturation of CHRISTMAS over in Equis Vitis. They’re really going to town with all the perversions of the celebration. I saw maybe one manger the entire time I was out on the street that wasn’t my church’s.”
Larry furrowed his eyes. “I guess? I don’t know, I was in Equis Vitis just the other day and I thought it looked great! Everyone was so festive and happy!”
“Frantically struggling to buy gifts, forgetting the meaning of the holiday, lying to their children, giving through obligation, pressure to feel a certain way, a-“
A tomato with a white beard and Santa hat popped out of the fireplace. “Ho ho ho!”
Rev blinked. “…Let me guess. Santa.”
“Of course! And I’ve come to-“
“Nope,” Rev teleported away – she didn’t care where, just somewhere else on the planet. She found herself in a forest, staring down at a puddle of clear water.
She looked at her silvery cross necklace with sad eyes. “…Why?” she asked.
The answer was not forthcoming.
“…Am I being tested? Why? What am I supposed to learn?”
Not even Reverends always got the answers they wished.
She sighed, shifting her gaze from the necklace to the water. She looked at her face.
She didn’t like what she saw, and she wasn’t sure why. Before she could start piecing it together though, she heard the sound of loud metal clanking behind her. Veggie Meld was supposed to be a safe world, but she certainly didn’t feel safe right now…
Rev whirled around, ready for a fight.
~~~
Flutterfree still hadn’t found anything for Eve. No gift seemed meaningful enough to help bridge the rift between them. There had been several things that stood out – a few books, magic artifacts, some laboratory equipment… but nothing that said ‘this is from me to you.’
She was beginning to panic. She needed to seek out some advice. She flew through Ponyville and arrived at the front door of Renee’s castle. Her team would be able to give her advice, assuredly. She pushed the door open and walked in.
“CANDY CANES!” Pinkie Pie shouted, pulling several dozen candy canes out of her mane and arranging them in a complex artistic pattern vaguely resembling a star.
“SNOWGLOBES!” Storm shouted, using a green-white crystal he held in his hand to summon about a hundred snowglobes in a pyramid pattern.
“PRESENTS!” Pinkie returned, throwing colorful giftboxes everywhere in the hall.
“MISTLETOE!” Storm said with a smirk, holding a piece of mistletoe over the two of them.
“Awww, how mischievous! It won’t make me surrender though!” Pinkie declared.
“You have to accept the spirit of the holida-“
Pinkie ‘kissed’ him with a squeaky hammer to the face. He went flying into a nearby wall, grunting. “Technicaaaalities!” she trilled.
Storm used his artifact to create three Christmas Trees. “Behold. LIFE WITH ORNAMENTS!”
“LEGENDARY PUDDING!” Pinkie declared, producing a bowl of bubbling green sludge.
“Oh my,” Flutterfree said, hoof to her mouth. She ducked under the flying pudding, soon finding herself hiding behind a life-sized nativity scene. The rest of her team and Renee were hiding behind it.
“How nice of you to join us,” Vriska said, trying to pick pieces of fruitcake out of her hair.
“How was the service?” Renee asked, clearly trying to take her mind off of the jolly destruction being wrecked on her hall.
“Oh, it was good, though Rev’s letting the stress of the holiday season get to her,” Flutterfree said. “I’ll need to talk to her later.”
Nova looked up. “Her? Letting the holiday season get to her? Celestia, I thought she’d enjoy it considering where it comes from.”
“Eh, there’s an aspect of perversion she hates. She has a point, but she’s still taking it way too far.” Flutterfree ruffled her feathers. “By the wa-“
A snow bomb went off, covering everything in the hall in frigid flecks of white.
Flutterfree blew her mane out of her face. “…Have they shown any signs of stopping?”
“Not really,” Vriska admitted. “Pinkie’s apparently taken all this as an affront to her pride.”
“She never struck me as the prideful type,” Jotaro observed.
“Everyone has their buttons,” Nova said.
“I still didn’t expect it to go this far,” Flutterfree admitted. “Jotaro, think you could stop them?”
Jotaro shook his head. “Star Platinum would not be able to keep Pinkie at bay.”
“She might decide it’d be funny not to be affected by time stop,” Nova commented.
“Plus, they are having a good time,” Renee pointed out. “They’re celebrating the holidays in their… own way.” A piece of fruitcake impaled itself on her horn. “Eeeeeech…”
“Storm likes Christmas way too fucking much,” Vriska observed, narrowing her eyes. “Pinkie I can understand, she’s a force of nature. But Storm?”
“You should talk to Corona sometime,” Flutterfree said. “She’s got a lot of stories about Christmas in Storm’s office. The man is festive.”
“It’s kinda cute,” Nova decided with a coy smile.
“It is,” Flutterfree agreed. “Anyway, I, uh, I need help. I need to get Eve something for Hearth's Warming and, well…”
“Oh, darling!” Renee put a hoof to her mouth. “That would be difficult, wouldn’t it?”
“Yeah… Do you have any ideas? You’re always really good at giving the perfect gift.”
Renee processed this. “It would have to be very personal, deep, meaningful… Oh that’s a tall order, but worry not Flutterfree, I shall think of something!” A loose snowball hit her in the face. “…Assuming I can get time to think.”
“Yare yare daze…” Jotaro muttered, pulling down his hat.
“EGGNOG!” Pinkie yelled.
“CRANBERRY SAUCE!” Storm retorted.
~~~
On one side, four white unicorns and a Flat ‘human’ creature. On the other, a chaos sorcerer, two daemons, and two space marines.
The arena? A material plane of reddish dust once home to a horrendous best with nineteen eyes.
“Three…” Bot declared, the numbers flying across her eyes as she counted. “Two…”
Ahzek gripped his staff and chuckled. “Fools.”
“One…”
Allure turned to Thrackerzod and nodded.
“FIGHT!” Bot shouted. She fired first since she had the best awareness of what the time was – but Ahzek didn’t care about this. He caught the volley of missiles that left her with his free hand’s magic missiles, detonating them in the expanse between the two sides.
“Your perceived advantage means nothing!” He held his staff high, the eye flashing a dark color. “In one fell swoop, you fall!” He shoved the staff forward, sending out a blast of psychic energy intended to knock all of them out at once. The blast cleared the smoke, revealing a large dimensional portal open to a world with bright green grass. All the Sweeties except Bot were on the other side, smirking.
The psychic blast passed Bot without harming the machine. The moment it hit the portal, it dissipated, for the physics in the universe on the other side did not allow for psychic blasts.
“You think you’re clever!?”
“Yes, actually,” Allure said, smirking. “Thrackerzod?”
Thrackerzod spoke a quick incantation under her breath. In the red world, Bot stepped to the side, revealing a magic circle in the ground. Now active with Thrackerzod’s magic, a dark beast with seven angular limbs and an inverted eyeball rose from the depths. It roared.
“A simple daemon worth nothing!” Ahzek shouted, raising his hand. “It is powerless to me!”
He was right. It did nothing to him.
It split into two and knocked both his marines to the ground in an instant.
Ahzek twitched, turning to his two Demonic teammates. “…Why aren’t you two doing anything? GET THEM!”
D’mirik the disc and the flamer daemon charged. Bot made a tactical retreat through the portal while firing numerous missiles. D’mirik used a powerful telekinesis to easily throw the missiles to the side, allowing the flamer to charge through belching fire hot enough to melt metal. Bot’s circuitry began to fry. “ABORT! ABORT!”
Squeaky teleported Bot away. “Well, she’s down.”
“The rest of the League will pick up on the signal and get her,” Allure said. “Let’s just focus right now.” Allure’s natural reserves of magic had never been very large, but over the years she’d learned to make do with them. She took a fighting stance on her back hooves, digging into the grassy ground. She angled her front hoof at the flamer, analyzing the motion of its fire.
She saw an opening and took it, punching forward at the Flamer’s center, one of the few places on its body that didn’t have a fire-spewing mouth. She pushed all her magic into the punch, creating an impact much heftier than her delicate frame should have allowed. The flamer went flying to Thrackerzod, who imprisoned it in a box surrounded in black magic chains. “Three down, two to go.”
“This other one isn’t very easy!” Burgerbelle shouted from atop D’mirik. She was riding the Demonic disc like a horse, using her Flat dimensionality to keep from being burned by the daemon’s pink fire.
“Ahzek, I cannot face all four of them alone.” D’mirik rotated quickly, sending out several magic blades at the Sweeties, all of which were blocked by Thrackerzod’s dark magic shields. “Now would be the time.”
“Gah. I can’t believe how useless you all are!” Ahzek snapped his fingers, teleporting on top of D’mirik. He slapped Burgerbelle aside with his staff, her Flat nature doing nothing against a blunt hit. She flew down to the ground like a flipping coin.
“Ow,” she said. She popped into an upright position in an instant.
Squeaky took a few steps back, lining up behind Allure, Thrackerzod, and Burgerbelle. “Right. Thrackerzod, work on binding the disc to your will. Allure, close but evasive. Squeaky, cook up the unexpected. I’l-“
Ahzek shot at Squeaky with a beam of pink energy, which she dodged easily. “I see, the tactician are you? Smarter than the rest, but physically weaker. You’ve made a foolish assumption in your life! Intelligence and knowledge does not remove the ability to have power!” He snapped his fingers, sending numerous spikes of bright energy at Squeaky. “Even here, in this realm where mental prowess is limited, I have power! You wasted an opportunity, Squeaky.”
Squeaky smirked, jumping between the spires. “You think I don’t have power? True, I may not be as much of a heavy hitter as the rest of my friends, but I’m not just some cute pony with a high-pitched voice and military experience.” She lit her horn. “I know some tricks.”
“What is that pathetic horn of yours going to do to me?!”
“Distract you,” D’mirik said, catching Allure’s attack with its own magic. “You’re lucky I’m here.”
Ahzek didn’t thank D’mirik for being useful. He did take the opportunity to toss a ball of flame at Allure, which she twisted around gracefully, going for another attack.
He teleported himself and D’mirik away. “I appear to have given you less credit than you deserve! You have skill and tactics. But I have not been showing my full power!” He raised his staff high into the air, creating a rip in space-time in the sky above them. A deep, purple miasma flowed out of the hole, ready to suffocate the four Sweeties.
“Abandon current plane!” Squeaky ordered. “Move to shifting strategy n-“ She had to leap to the side to dodge a pink laser from D’mirik, but this made her fall right into an invisible spell framework Ahzek had setup. A surge of electricity shot through her body. It should have made her pass out right then, but she was made of sterner stuff than that. “-now. Play the jumping game…” She flopped to the ground.
“You heard her!” Allure shouted, but Thrackerzod was already on it. The eldritch unicorn opened a hole in the ground and deposited them into a universe made entirely of multicolored Platonic solids. The three of them jumped from a house-zied dodecahedron to a car-sized cube.
Ahzek tore open the portal behind them. “You run? Should I consider this a surrender?”
“Not a chance in the Embodiment!” Thrackerzod shouted back. She nodded to her two friends – and each of them entered a different portal that closed behind them in an instant.
“They’re playing the multiversal jumping game,” D’mirik said. “The playing field has expanded considerably.”
“The fools don’t realize that my psychic waves work here! They cannot hope to fool me this t-“
Burgerbelle was suddenly standing on a nearby cube. “Thanos car.”
“…Thanos car?” Ahzek echoed, cocking his head in bafflement.
Burgerbelle was suddenly in a large purple pickup with numerous lines etched into its front, making it look kind of like a broom. “Thanos car.”
“What in Tzeentch’s name is a-“
“THANOS CAR!” The pickup jumped to Ahzek’s location without bothering to exist in any between states, crumpling his breastplate.
“RAAAAAAAA!” Ahzek shouted, pulling Burgerbelle out of the pickup and holding the Flat in his hand. “You are a very curious and annoying individual! I’d be… very pleased to know which universe you are from.”
“Sorry, it doesn’t exist anymore. But the Flats need your help! All you have to do is call 555-555-5555 and give them your credit card number a-“
Ahzek threw her to the ground and blasted her with a chaos beam. She was relatively unharmed by it, but she did end up embedded in a large pyramid’s side. “Ow…”
“Hey, windbags!” Allure shouted from a portal in front of Ahzek. “Behind you!”
“There’s nothing b-“
Thrackerzod opened a portal behind him and threw a small, almost childlike woman at him. She ended up face first on top of D’mirik.
“…D’mirik!?” She blurted, gawking.
“…Do I know you?” D’mirik asked.
“It’s Jenny! Jenny of the Red Gloves! We fought the Black Witch? …I fought you… remember?”
“Still unfamiliar.”
“For the love of – the one person I remember from my deep past doesn’t even remember me! Talk ab-“
She was vaporized by Ahzek’s staff. “Outside assistance is not protected by the rules!”
“It’s why we chose her,” Thrackerzod said, gesturing at the slowly regenerating body of Jenny.
D’mirik opened a portal to a fiery hellscape and threw Jenny into it. “That will keep her occupied.”
“That’s it!” Ahzek said, lifting his staff into the air. “I am done with this!” He grabbed Thrackerzod’s soul with his power, tearing at her interiors. “You are nothing!”
Thrackerzod growled, her voice beginning to reverberate. “I am Thrackerzod of the court of Azathoth, a higher demon in the service of Hastur, King of Yellow. You are but a man.” Eldritch tentacles began to appear around her, twisting in impossible patterns that strained the mind’s eye. “A man with a big head.”
“And you are weak!” He fired a beam of energy. Thrackerzod met it with her own.
There was an explosion.
~~~
“My Lord, the Black Templars have started a protest,” Kitten reported.
“AGAIN?”
“Yes. Again.”
“THE USUAL BLOODY VIOLENT SCREAMING TYPE?”
“It appears so…” Kitten said.
“…If they have a habit of doing this why do you keep them around?” Corona asked. “You seem to have no issues disposing of people who are a problem to you. I don’t like it, but I find this surprising.”
“THEY’RE EFFECTIVE. AND GOOD WARRIORS. THOUGH I WILL HAVE TO GET RID OF THEM EVENTUALLY, ASSUMING WE DO EVENTUALLY GET PEACE.”
“Peace… Such a weird concept…” Kitten said, shaking his head. “I remember when everything seemed ready to fall apart… But then we got a text-to-speech device, the Imperium began to change, you Merodi arrived, and now we’re fighting Chaos on their turf! Allied with xenos! I would have branded myself a heretic for these things, and yet…”
“YOU’RE BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND. THE WORLD IS FILLED WITH LIES – LIES PERPETUATED BY THOSE IN POWER, LIES PERPETUATED BY THE CULTURE IN GENERAL, AND LIES WE FEED TO OURSELVES. WHAT IS HERESY ONE DAY IS DIVINE TRUTH THE NEXT, GUIDED BY FICKLE HUMAN – OR OTHERWISE – MINDS. WE CANNOT TAKE ANY OF OUR BELIEFS OR SYSTEMS FOR GRANTED, NOR AT FACE VALUE. EVERYONE IS WRONG, AND NO ONE SHOULD BE SO DENSE AS TO THINK THEY HAVE EVERYTHING RIGHT. ALL SHOULD BE CHALLENGED.”
Corona blinked. “Wow, that’s actually pretty deep and thought out. I’m imp-“
“EXCEPT ME. I’M THE MOTHER-FUCKING EMPEROR AND I CAN DO NO WRONG.”
Corona glanced at Kitten and raised an eyebrow. The Custodian sighed. “I have no idea if he’s joking or not.”
“EXACTLY. AS. PLANNED.”
Corona shrugged. “Well, at least he was able to form the thought, so that’s good. I do w-“
Eve appeared in the throne room in a spark of purple magic. Her mane was frazzled and she looked like she was short on sleep. “Your highness,” she said, hastily spitting out the syllables and bowing.
“THIS IS A SURPRISE.”
Eve sensed he was talking, so she turned on her ears out of courtesy – but otherwise ignored him. “Corona, I need help.”
“What is it? Is our world in danger?” Corona spread her wings, ready to take on anything.
“I don’t know what to get Flutterfree for Hearth's Warming!”
There was silence in the throne room.
“You came all the way out here to ask me about that?” Corona asked.
“It was only three jumps,” Eve defended. “Look, I just need some help. It needs to be something perfect that will represent what our continued friendship really means. A way to continue reforging the connection.”
“…I don’t really know what she likes?”
“But you understand people, Corona. You have empathy.”
“That’s just my power. I’m also a theoretical physicist with a PhD, often stereotyped as not understanding emotions. They aren’t necessarily my strong suit.”
“If I can be the Princess of Friendship you can be the master of emotions.”
“…While that is true on a technicality, I don’t spend much time with Flutterfree these days, so I couldn’t tell you much. Maybe you should ask Discord? Or her team?”
“I already asked Discord. I even talked to other Fluttershys and got nowhere.”
“Then I don’t know.”
“I KNOW,” the Emperor said.
Eve turned to him and blinked. “…What?”
“YOU SHOULD GET HER A GIFT OF MEMORIES – ONE TO REMIND HER OF ALL THE GOOD TIMES. ALL THE CONNECTIONS YOU ALREADY HAVE.”
“That… doesn’t sound bad, actually,” Eve admitted. “How did you – wait, nevermind, I remember where this goes. I ask ‘how’ or ‘why’ and you say ‘because I’m the mother-effin’-Emperor’. And then I’m sure there’s a laugh track somewhere.”
“Laugh track…?” Kitten asked, confused.
“Don’t worry about it. Talk to a Pinkie if you really want to know.”
Corona furrowed her brow. “I’m not sure that’s best for Flutterfree, Eve. A gift of memories? What does that even mean?”
“IT MEANS TO REMIND HER OF ALL THE- I LITERALLY JUST EXPLAINED THIS.”
“But how? A photo album? A memory crystal?” Corona held out her hands. “When you talk about them aloud, they sound… I don’t know, Eve, do they sound like Flutterfree?”
“…No… At least not enough…” Eve looked at the ground.
“Then maybe you should ask her,” Corona suggested, smiling warmly. “Explain that you’re stressing out over what to get her. Coming to her with the problem and working through it together would be the best way to rebuild the bridge I can imagine.”
“I thought you said you wouldn’t have good advice?” Eve said.
“It just occurred to me. Did it help?”
“I think it di-“ Eve’s phone rang. She winced at the loud noise, but pulled it out to check the message. “Unknown?”
“Oh this can’t be good,” Kitten muttered.
“It’s in weird leetspeak…” Eve muttered, squinting her eyes. “Uh… I know the… perfect gift you could give… her. All it will cost is… your… soul.” Eve laughed. “I’m not that stupid.”
“As I thought. Tzeentch,” Kitten shook his head.
“How does the Chaos god keep getting phone numbers?” Corona asked.
“HE’S THE MOTHER-FUCKING LORD OF CHANGE.”
“Thank you for that insightful input.”
“IT REALLY IS ALL THE EXPLANATION YOU NEED. BY THE WAY, HE GOT MY NUMBER FIVE MINUTES AFTER YOU GAVE ME THAT PHONE. YOUR SECURITY IS FUCKING PATHETIC.”
“I’m pretty sure Chaos gods aren’t covered in the insurance plan,” Corona said.
“I’m again struck by how surreal all this is,” Kitten commented.
Eve’s phone buzzed again. She flipped it open. “…I have no idea what this says.”
“LET ME LOOK.” Eve held it up to the Emperor. “OH. HE’S SAYING HE DOESN’T NEED YOUR SOUL, HE JUST WANTS TO CHALLENGE YOU TO A GAME OF PARADOX-BILLIARDS-VOSTROYAN-ROULETTE-FOURTH-DIMENSIONAL-HYPERCUBE-CHESS-STRIP-POKER. YOU WIN, YOU GET YOUR ANSWER. YOU LOSE, HE... GETS TO TURN YOU INTO A GRINCH FOR A DAY? GRICHES ARE ACTUAL THINGS?”
Eve rolled her eyes. “It doesn’t matter, I’m not taking it. I’m not stupid. …Though I am curious, what is the Paradox-Billiards-game thing?”
“THE BEST GAME IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND.”
“A children’s card game,” Kitten explained.
“Ah. …Do you guys realize how contradictory the atmosphere of your universe is?”
“YES. DAILY.”
Eve nodded curtly. “Well, thanks for your time. Corona, that was good advice. Emperor, it’s good to see you in high spirits.”
“HAVE A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY. HO HO HO.”
“…I was wondering why you were wearing a Santa hat.”
“MANY REASONS. ALL OF THEM AMAZING.”
Eve shrugged, smirked, and teleported away.
“…I kind of want to play this game,” Corona said. “It sounds interesting.”
“Oh hell no here we go…” Kitten moaned.
“I WOULD BE ENTHRALLED TO TEACH YOU…”
~~~
Rev prepared her attack, ready to take on anything. The beings behind her were slightly threatening – tall, metallic creatures that were half spoon, half fork. They were Sporks with glowing blue eyes on their rounded surfaces.
The moment they recoiled from her Rev dropped her attack. “Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.” She smiled warmly. “I’m Reverend Starlight Glimmer.”
The lead Spork looked at her with hesitation – but then hopped forward. “We are Sporks.”
“Uh, yeah, I know. And I know you’re nice Sporks – the blue eyes give it away. Do you have a name?”
“We are Sporks. …I am Lead Spork.”
“Oh. They didn’t give you names?”
“We do not need names. We are Sporks.”
“We like cookies!” another Spork offered.
Rev generated a cookie with her magic and gave it to him. Then, seeing the hungry expressions of the others, she created a few dozen more. “I can’t make an endless amount, sorry.”
“We can always find more,” Lead Spork said, munching on his cookie despite not having hands. He must have had some form of telekinesis, but it didn’t give off an aura of any kind. “Everyone is always so ready to part with their cookies.”
“Yeah, that’s the nice thing about this world…” Rev looked into the distance. “Everything here is geared toward what is right. Not toward what everyone wants. …Usually.”
“Something is bothering you,” another Spork observed. “You can tell us! We can help!”
“You know what Christmas is, right?” Rev asked. Seeing all of them nod, she continued. “You’ve been reformed – you know that it celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ. But you also know it’s about giving gifts and Santa Claus, right?”
They all nodded again.
“See, I came here thinking I could get away from the Santa, the gifts, and all that – to find something pure. But no, I couldn’t.” Her face twisted in rage. “There was a Santa here…”
“Why is that wrong?” a Spork asked. “Seems happy and joyous!”
“And gives lots of cookies,” another added.
“It’s more subtle than that,” Rev said. “Think – giving is good, right? But once giving becomes part of a holiday, obligations start to rise up. You feel like you have to give things to other people, and start to resent it. Or you fret over what’s going to happen if you give them the wrong gift, ruining the peace of the occasion. Then, because everyone has to buy gifts, people in charge of businesses do everything they can to get the most money off everything. Then the holiday becomes completely about this exchange of gifts and they forget what’s actually important!”
Some of the Sporks started talking amongst each other in agreement.
“But it’s worse than that – we forget the birth, sure, which is bad enough, and have replaced it with a worship of money and material goods. Then there’s Santa, who trumps all of this. The legend itself isn’t an issue – but directly lying to kids that so that they behave? That’s cruel and breaks down trust!”
“Santa’s a lie?” a Spork in the back said, haunted.
“Yes! Well, in most universes it is. Here, you actually have a Santa – tomato fellow. But in almost every universe, there is no Santa, parents just lie to their kids about it! Oh, and don’t get me started on how every company everywhere tries to make you think Christmas is the only holiday worth mattering. Or all the commercials...”
They started arguing amongst each other.
“And you know the worst part? Even those of us who want to celebrate the birth can’t really do it, we have to subject ourselves to the presents as well! It’s saturates everything you see! It’s all a horrible mess and we would be better off if it wasn't everywhere!”
“Yeah! Yeah!” the Sporks started chanting.
“See? You understand. You see the problem. I can’t believe I had to look so long to find y-“ it was at this point Rev realized that she’d screwed up.
All the Spork’s eyes were angry and glowing a menacing green, ready to march off to war against Christmas.
“…Forgive me,” she whispered.
~~~
Eve walked into the crystal castle she used to own. “Hey Flutterfree, can I t-“ A snowball studded with peppermints hit her in the face. She wiped the snow off her face and tried to ignore the flavor of peppermint. She took a look around.
The scene she saw was devastating. The entire hall was covered in snow about a meter deep. Christmas trees were everywhere, most snapped in half with their ornaments shattered around their resting places. Entire gingerbread houses had been reduced to rubble, presents had been shredded, and a pile of mistletoe was on fire.
Pinkie and Storm weren’t even shouting anything at each other – the battle of party they were engaged in was so serious the two of them were completely silent. Pinkie took out some jingle bell bombs and threw them at Storm’s feet, only for him to produce a magic nutcracker artifact that absorbed all the energy from the explosions and redirected them at Pinkie. Pinkie leaped back to avoid the energy, producing a dozen peppermint cream pies to throw. Storm caught every one with a telekinesis crystal, throwing them back. Pinkie ate them, pie tins and all, in one gulp.
“Pinkie!” Eve shouted. “Storm! Stop!”
They either chose to ignore her or couldn’t hear her over their intense focus. She sighed. Clearly I’m going to have to deal with this…
She took a few steps forward in the snow, summoning her most powerful ally to her. It wasn’t any sort of standard magic, but rather a spirit bonded to her very soul, a spirit known as a Stand. It manifested as three gyroscopic rings with eyes on their outer edges, the inner edges swirling around a glowing point of light. She took in a deep breath, feeling the power within Seraphim – for that was its name – tap into the essence of other universes.
She saw Pinkie pull out her party cannon and stuff it with holiday ornaments. She saw Storm pull out a red crystalline artifact and start charging it.
She needed to do this now.
“I reject your reality and substitute my o-“
“EVE!” Vriska shouted, peeking from behind a pile of presents. “GET BACK!”
Eve only saw Vriska out of the corner of her eye, so she had to take a moment to visually process what she said. This proved to be her undoing – the festive party cannon and crimson holiday artifact collided and sent out a shockwave so strong it not only knocked Eve off her hooves, but also cracked a couple ribs.
Pinkie stopped the festive fight immediately. “Oh no!”
“Finally give up?” Storm asked with a grin.
“We’ve gone too far! Eve!” Pinkie scrambled across the snow to Eve, sliding to a sitting position right next to her. “Are you okay!?”
“I… have a couple broken ribs. I think my wing is dislocated…” Eve grunted, looking up at Pinkie. “I’m also betting there’s broken ornament glass in my coat…”
Pinkie tried not to cry. “I… I’m so sorry! I didn’t realize, I…” She looked away, having difficulty with the slow reddening of the snow around them.
Eve grunted. “You’re forgiven. Just… Pinkie, you should never celebrate in such a way that hurts or endangers anyone else…” Using her magic, she was able to right herself. All four of her legs were fine, so she could stand without incident. “I know you like to go a little crazy from time to time, but people were cowering.” She gestured at the pile of presents the primary team and Renee were hiding behind. “You aren’t the only one celebrating, you know. …Look at this hall. I have no doubt it was beautiful before. Now it looks like a warzone.”
Pinkie gulped and looked down, ashamed.
“Hey, don’t guilt-trip yourself, I’m going to be fine. I’d suggest cleaning up the mess you’ve made, but otherwise it’s all good.”
“But I hurt you!”
“And I have a bed and a medical terminal with my name on it,” Eve said with a pained chuckle. “And Storm? You’re helping cleanup too. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you.”
Storm sagged, though clearly he was not as remorseful as Pinkie. “I figured as much.”
Eve glared at him. “Renee, I leave his punishment up to you.”
Renee came out from behind the presents and smirked. “If you think that’s what he needs.”
Storm blinked. “Wait, wh-“
Eve raised an eyebrow. “You clearly need more than just a talking to. You haven’t learned the lesson. So Renee’s going to find a way to make you, since this is her Division.” She put down her head and sighed. “…Nova, can you teleport me to my old room?”
Nova nodded. “Give me a sec…”
“I’ll make sure the medical equipment is working,” Renee promised. “Get you healed up in no time.”
“Thanks,” Eve said with a smile. The smile faltered the moment she saw Flutterfree.
Flutterfree was very careful not to let this change her neutral expression. But inside, it dug at her heart. There really is something wrong…
Eve was teleported away to recover, leaving them alone.
Flutterfree didn’t move.
“…Something’s wrong,” Jotaro observed.
Flutterfree nodded. “She… She looked at me with… I don’t know what, but it wasn’t normal. Something bad.”
“Are you sure you’re not reading too much into it?”
“I’m sure,” Flutterfree said, looking upward. “…What am I going to do about it?”
“Talk to her?” Nova suggested, already starting to clean up the snow and teleport it outside. “Seems obvious.”
“I still don’t even have her present and you want me to talk to her?”
“Duh,” Nova said with an eyeroll. “She’s Eve. What’s she going to complain about?”
“Vriska breaking her concentration,” Jotaro suggested.
“I was trying to help!” Vriska shouted, waving her arms frantically. “She wasn’t going to have time anyway!”
Flutterfree tuned the conversation out, retreating into her own thoughts.
She still didn’t know what to do.
~~~
The Sparkle Census was an amazing place filled with restaurants, laboratories, and lots and lots of libraries. The buildings were largely uninteresting and of muted colors, but this didn’t interfere with the immense purple the universe had from all the Twilights that walked around everywhere. J8 and Nyx were walking down one of the streets, receiving several curt hellos from the Twilights they passed.
Nyx stayed really close to her mother, because she knew if she lost sight of her it would be a long time before she figured out which Twilight she was. She wasn’t in any danger here – Twilights were almost always friendly and understanding – but it would still be scary. Unlike skulls, skulls weren’t scary, they were fascinating. Nyx didn’t understand why they had to leave the Emperor – he was fun.
J8 glanced at Nyx, making the filly think her mind was being read. She opened her mouth to deny all possible accusations but she never got to utter a single syllable. A portal opened up in the middle of the sky. An explosion erupted from it, tossing Allure, Thrackerzod, and Burgerbelle into the Sparkle Census street. Allure fell at J8 and Nyx’s hooves, smacking her head hard enough on the ground to lose consciousness.
“Azathoth Y’thal’tar!” Thrackerzod swore. “Allure’s down!”
“YES! SHE IS!” Ahzek declared, appearing in the sky atop D’mirik. “You fearless leader has fallen!”
“…She’s not our leader,” Burgerbelle said. “We’re an equal-opportunity League. ...So long as you’re a Sweetie Belle.”
“Whatever. It is the beginning of the end for you!”
“Oh no it isn’t!” J8 declared, lighting her horn alongside several dozen other Twilights. “We won’t let you hurt them!”
Thrackerzod facehooved. “Look, Twilights, this is an official duel. Please don’t interfere, if he wants to kill you he can.”
J8 binked. “…What?”
“We’re fine,” Burgerbelle said with a dismissive wave. “Just take care of Allure, okay?”
“O-okay.”
Ahzek lifted his staff. “Think fast!”
Thrackerzod opened a portal to catch the incoming red beam and redirect it somewhere else.
By some trick of fate, the other side was the forest Rev and the Sporks were in.
“Wait, no, don’t go marching off to war with Christmas, that’s not the answer!” she was shouting. “Violence is not our way! We’re not supposed to go on crusades!”
The Sporks either ignored her or decided the red beam was too Christmas-y to ignore. They charged out of the portal in ranks, marching into the Sparkle Census.
“…Are those… Sporks?” A Twilight asked, gawking.
“Yeah, yeah, sorry! Sorry!” Rev said, grimacing. “I’ll get them back, don’t you worr-“
“THESE UTENSILS THINK THEY CAN CHALLENGE ME!?” Ahzek shouted, holding out his hand at the Sporks. “They will not live to regret this decision!”
“Wait, no they’re just confused!” Rev realized Ahzek wasn’t listening to her. She sighed, allowing her eyes to go white with Divine energy. She threw herself at the Chaos sorcerer and daemon, ready to purge them of their Demonic power – or at least take the hit for the Sporks. She made them angry, she should be the one to protect them.
D’miriks eye widened. “Rach’ith!” he swore. He knew the pain of Divine energy. He tried to flee, upsetting Ahzek’s balance. The sorcerer’s chaotic attack went wild…
Nyx pulled Allure’s dimensional device off her unconscious form. She quickly dialed a specific set of coordinates...
Burgerbelle held up a ‘to be continued’ sign shaped like an arrow.
~~~
Eve slept in her old bed. Renee hadn’t changed much about her old room, keeping it made up like a regular guest room. The castle had been so big Renee had easily been able to find other chambers for herself.
Eve was currently hooked up to a medical device that waved a glowing blue wand over her body, healing her. If needed, it would adjust the position of one of her limbs to make sure the damage healed properly, which was why she was asleep – so she wouldn’t feel the immense pain that came with moving dislocated wings and internal ribs.
Instead, she dreamed. She had been practicing to know when she was receiving prophetic visions in her dreams, so she immediately knew something in the dream didn’t feel right. But it didn’t feel like a vision either…
She looked around. She was in an endless expanse of pink-red miasma rippling with occasional bursts of lightning. It took her a few minutes to recognize it as the Warp, the universe affixed to Galaxus Immaterium, the source of all Chaos. It was a world far removed from Equis Vitis, so far that Eve wondered why she was seeing it now.
“Ohoho, someone’s a little curious! The knowledge is just out of her reach, dancing around the issue. Or is it just some fool pretending there’s an answer, when there really isn’t one?A lovely paradox if it is indeed true.”
Eve turned around, finding herself face-to-face with an immense Demonic presence. He currently took the form of a vaguely humanoid riddled with bony lumps. He had two mouths – one just above his pelvis, and one where his head and neck had fused into one. Two tentacles poured out from his back and tied into a knot above him.
Eve raised an eyebrow. “Let me guess. Tzeentch?”
“Cutting right to the chase? Where’s the fun in that, Evening Sparkle?”
“There isn’t much, which is kind of the point. I don’t want you to have fun. You having fun is generally bad for everyone involved.”
“Look at you, moving past your ideas of love and tolerance! You’ve never even met me and already you’re judgey judgey judgey.”
“I have reports. People I trust.”
“But I’m here now, talking to you, and I’m not trying to blow your brains out! Isn’t that something?” He chuckled.
“You clearly want something.”
“What I want is to help you with your little gift problem.”
“You want something in return. I’m not giving you anything. And I won’t become a Grinch.”
“Oh, that was just me toying around – apparently you have little patience for that. Very disappointing, but understandable.” He leaned in. “I just want to give it to you. You’ll know exactly what to give her to fix the bridge between you, and it won’t involve me altering her mind in any way!”
“…You just want to give it to me?”
“At no cost at all – all you have to do is accept it! It’ll be the Best Gift Ever.”
“You are known for lying,” Eve pointed out.
“I Pinkie Promise to all Pinkies in the universe that I am not lying.”
That’s all Eve needed to know. “All right. I’ll take it. What is it?”
“Well, the first step is driving you mildly insane.”
“Wait wh-“
“BOOP!”
Eve woke up in an instant, despite the medical procedures not quite being complete. She spread her wings and grinned, her eyes flashing a deep chaotic pink.
“Looks like I’m not going to be ‘myself’ for a while… Heheheh…”
~~~
“The Blood Angels are probably going to do something drastic as soon as the holiday is over,” Kitten reported. “It’s their holiday, and they’re taking major offense.”
“THEY’LL LIVE.”
“Will they be loyal, is the question?”
“THEY CAN HAVE CHEER FOR ONCE IN THEIR DAMN LIVES.”
“This seems like a rather insignificant issue to stake their loyalty on,” Corona observed.
“THE SAME COULD BE SAID FOR THEM. INSIGNIFICANT ISSUE TO BE MAKING SUCH A FUSS OVER.”
“So it’s stubborn versus stubborn.” Corona smirked. “They really are your marines.”
“IT IS WITH A MIXTURE OF PRIDE AND EXASPERATION THAT I UNDERSTAND THEM.”
“Yeah. I still think th-“
A portal opened up behind them. A flood of Sporks, Twilights, Sweeties, and Ahzek Ahriman poured out in a decidedly awkward pile. Nyx rolled out of the pile, landing at the foot of the Emperor. “Woohoo! I did it!”
“What did you do!?” Kitten blurted. “The palace is a sacred ground! How did you even dial in here!?”
“CHAOS MAGIC, THAT’S HOW,” the Emperor decreed. “AHZEK AHRIMAN!”
“Who dares to speak to me in such a-“ Ahzek saw who he was talking to. “The Corpse Emperor… This is a treat! It appears as if I have been given the honor of de-“
The Sporks didn’t let him finish. “THERE’S SANTA!” Lead Spork said, pointing at the Emperor – still wearing his Santa hat.
“FUCK,” the Emperor said. “NOT SPORKS, ANYTHING BUT SPORKS. I WILL NOT BE KILLED BY SPORKS!”
The Sporks jumped out of the pile and ran to the Emperor. Like clockwork, several dozen half-naked men with exceptionally well-oiled abs appeared between the Sporks and the Emperor. Every last one of them posed dramatically – in a way that reminded Corona of Jotaro – and every one wore a royal helmet. “WE ARE THE CUSTODES OF THE EMPEROR – YOU WILL NOT HARM OUR LORD!”
“Santa’s an Emperor?!” a Spork shouted. “It is even worse than we imagined! CHARGE!”
“TO BATTLE, MY MUSCULAR BRETHREN!”
The Sporks and the Custodes clashed with each other, metal slapping against muscular flesh left and right.
“…I should be horrified that an invasion force has made it into the throne room,” Kitten observed. “But this is just too ridiculous.”
“I agree, wiry talking banana,” Ahzek admitted. “BUT I SHALL MAKE USE OF IT NONETHELESS! YES, MY SPORKS, ASSAULT THE EMPEROR!”
“Protect the Emperor!” Nyx called. “Every-Twilight, come on!”
“I WILL BURN YOU ALL TO CINDERS!” Ahzek declared. “DON’T MAKE A MOVE! I’LL KILL AT LEAST SOME OF Y-“
Corona summoned a disc-shaped spirit behind her. Suddenly, Ahzek found that he couldn’t move. “Wh… What witchcraft is this?”
“Bacon Pancakes,” Corona said with a smirk.
“Get some bacon and you put it on a pancake!” Burgerbelle declared, roundhouse kicking Ahzek in the chest. Thrackerzod created a series of eldritch tentacles to wrap the immobile Ahzek up.
“NO! NO! I AM AHZEK AHRIMAN! I CANNOT BE DEFEATED SO EASILY! I AM THE CHAMPION OF CHANGE! I A-“
“Give it a rest,” D’mirik muttered.
Corona – joined by several Twilights and Custodes – shoved Ahzek through a portal to another universe. A Nexus universe well known to not allow anyone inside to dial out. He wouldn’t be back anytime soon.
The Sporks were still here and showed no sign of stopping. It was proving to be somewhat difficult to subdue beings made of pure metal.
The Emperor grunted. “SIGH. THIS IS AN AFFRONT TO MY NAME. SPORKS, THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO BE SMITED. PRAY TO WHATEVER DEITY YOU BELIEVE IN.”
“Not Santa!”
“I FIGURED. WAY TOO MANY SCROOGES AROUND TODAY…” the entire throne room began to rumble as the Emperor channeled his own Divine power for some righteous smiting.
“WAIIIT!” Rev shouted. “EVERYBODY STOP! EVERYBODY!”
The Emperor hesitated – but the Sporks didn’t.
“THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!” Rev announced, using magic to make her voice carry.
This stopped the Sporks. “…What do you mean?”
Rev gulped and adjusted her collar.
~~~
Eve kicked down the doors to the main hall of the castle, witness to a hallway that had been mostly cleared of the holiday war. With a sneer on her face and eyes alit with pink fire, she laughed. “You’re all fools!”
Pinkie took one look at her and groaned. “Ugh, really, an eldritch corruption now? We’re still dealing with the fallout of the last one!”
“Corruption!?” Eve spat. “I’ve hardly been corrupted! I’ve been shown the light! I’ve been shown how there’s no way to know what to do with anything! People and ponies are too complicated.” She teleported into the middle of the room, glaring at Pinkie. “You, for instance. You have no patterns. You fly in the face of the rest of us who want to figure out what to do for you! You’re impossible! Impossible!”
“Do we have Thrackerzod on site?” Pinkie asked nervously. “We could really use an exorcism right now or something…”
“An exorcism? Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie, do you think I want to remove this? To return from what I have seen? Oh, wait, it’s because you see everything isn’t it? This is judged as ‘evil’ in your land of Awareness and thrown about like a piñata without regards for what other people may think! Did it ever occur to you that our labels might be wrong by a truly moral standpoint? Or that, maybe, the aloof way with which you treat things is not only wrong, but disrespectful to your friends?”
“I… I…”
Vriska kicked Eve in the face. “Yes. She has. We all had to face ourselves on Zhui. So lay off, whatever you are.”
“I’m Eve!” Eve said, eyes flashing pink. “Well, Eve with a bit of Tzeentch inserted in here and there to fill some gaps in knowledge and approach truth. Maybe I should go on you next… A Thief of Light, always in charge of the spotlight, always angry, never finding her home. Do you know why you never find your home? Because you aren’t meant to! It needs to remain hidden, and you need to remain alone, drifting, for eternity.”
“Renee, how badly can I fuck her up?” Vriska asked. “You better say some.”
“Don’t,” Renee said, putting a hoof on her shoulder. “How about you go and get Thrackerzod?”
Vriska twitched. She took out her dimensional device.
“Fleeing from a conflict? Ooh, how like you. You’re just as impossible as the rest, never consistent, always changing.”
Vriska dialed out and left without another word.
“Change is good,” Jotaro said, leaning in. “You taught me that.”
“Change is great! But it means nothing can be known!” Eve laughed. “All the inconsistencies, the paradoxes… They’re inherent in everything, Jotaro! Your wife loves you because I helped you. What if she changes her mind tomorrow? She might, there’s no way to know for sure! People can’t be predicted! You can’t know what they’ll do or what they want!”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” Nova asked. “If you always knew, how would a relationship be interesting? How could anyone surprise anyone?”
Twilight twitched. “Well, Nova, let’s think about that. What if, say, I wanted to give somepony a present. But I couldn’t know for sure if they’d see in it what I wanted them to see. Flat out telling them would ruin the entire point of the present, and if the present is taken wrong the consequences are dire and cannot be taken back!”
“Eve…” Flutterfree said.
“Yes I’m talking about you!” Eve blurted, teleporting inches from Flutterfree’s face. “You… The traitor. Me, the traitor. Isn’t it a fun little game we have going here? An impossible jump where both of us want to fix things but are eternally stuck in a stupid loop where it’s beyond even the deepest forces of the universe to comprehend what to do next! What gift can there be? Nothing! But no gift is worse than any gift, right? But there’s the insulting gift! And you freaking like everything Flutterfree! Everything! What meaning could there be!?” She spread her wings, the flame in her eyes reaching new heights. “It’s not worth the heartache!”
Flutterfree wordlessly pulled the corrupted unicorn into a teary hug. “I… I think it’s worth it. I don’t care if you don’t, I do.”
And just like that Tzeentch removed his essence from Eve. Her eyes returned to normal. She remembered everything that had just happened.
“Wh… What have I done?” she mouthed, tears forming in her eyes as well. She pulled Flutterfree close, trying desperately to process what had just happened, and failing.
~~~
“I was stubborn,” Rev said, using her experience as a preacher to hold everyone’s attention on her. “I wouldn’t let myself see what I was doing – despite a close friend telling me directly what the problem was. I had let a seed of bitterness grow in me. I saw the holidays – Christmas, Hearth's Warming, it doesn’t matter – I saw them as an insult to holy meaning. I saw them as blasphemy – as heresy, if you will. I was angry at the capitalism, the focus on worldly things, the lies, the distractions… I still think those are problems, but that doesn’t excuse what I did. I attacked the holidays. I yelled to anyone who would listen, inserted myself into things I shouldn’t have, and…” She bit her lip.
She looked at the crowd – every Twilight, Spork, and Custode was hanging on her every word.
“I thought I was above it all. I thought my anger was righteous, so I let myself fall into an old trap I thought I had locked away forever. My anger – my deep, resentful anger toward things I feel have wronged me or my beliefs. I am a Starlight, and I had forgotten that. I chose to let my anger pour out and tried to manipulate people with it. Sway them to my side in a horrible way – a way that destroyed their holiday.”
She glanced down at the Sporks. “You were there to teach me – to teach me what would happen if I got what I wanted. If I did manage to convince enough people the ways of the holidays were blasphemous. It would become violent, oppressive, and ruin the spirit of the holiday in a different way. …I preach often on understanding, acceptance, and taking the time to learn about the beliefs of other people and respect them, no matter how different they are. I forgot my own lesson. I thought my way to celebrate was the only right way – and that was wrong. Anyone can celebrate however they want, because it’s their holiday. By trying to show them how wrong their celebration is with angry force, it rarely changes anything and… and it just ruins the holiday for them.”
She bowed her head. “I’m sorry for that, Sporks. I ruined your holiday, making you go to war over it. And I apologize to anyone else I’ve been horrible to. I may not agree with what you do, but like everything else in life, I need to seek to understand, to appreciate, and to love.” She smiled. “I was being Scrooge. And because of that we have this huge mess.”
“It’s also because we decided we needed to challenge Ahzek to a duel,” Burgerbelle said, raising a hand.
“WHOEVER THIS GIRL IS I LOVE HER,” the Emperor declared.
Burgerbelle winked.
“…Perhaps that’s part of it,” Rev admitted. “But the point is I learned a lesson, and I need to go apologize.” She smiled. “Never thought I would turn out to be Snowfall Frost. Just when you thought you knew yourself.”
Corona put an arm around Rev. “I’m not entirely sure how much you were Scrooging up, but I’m glad you're back. I’m also glad you stopped the Sporks.”
“…So what do we do now?” Lead Spork asked.
“Go home?” Rev suggested. “Enjoy the holidays?”
“That sounds like a great idea!” J8 declared.
“But mooooom we just got back!” Nyx wailed.
“Nyx, I’m sure everyone’s thankful for you saving them from that Chaos sorcerer, but we shouldn’t stay here.”
“Why not?” Burgerbelle asked. “The Emperor’s awesome.”
“I AM FULL OF SO MANY AMAZING FUCKING JOKES.”
“Sweet! Do you want a Bradburger?”
“I CANNOT INGEST ANY PHYSICAL FOOD IN MY CURRENT STATE. SO YES.”
Burgerbelle punched a Bradburger into the Emperor’s ribcage. “Level up!”
“I HAVE EXPERIENCED NIRVANA.”
Kitten put a hand to his helmet. “What is my life coming to?”
Corona smiled coyly in his direction. “It’s becoming something amazing. That’s what. J8 is right though, you’re all crowding up this throne room, we’re way too crowded.”
As everyone started to clear out of the throne room, the Emperor called Kitten over. “HEY.”
“What is it, my Lord?”
“CALL OFF THE CELEBRATION EVERYWHERE EXCEPT THE PALACE.”
“…My Lord, take back one of your Imperial orders?”
“IT WAS A HEARTFELT SPEECH. JUST DO IT BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND.”
Corona teleported right in front of the Emperor. “You… you changed your mind?”
“YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO HEAR THAT.”
“I hear everything I need to,” Corona said, tossing her hair back. “What I can say is… I’m proud of you.”
“THIS DOESN’T FUCKING LEAVE THIS ROOM.”
“I think a half-dozen Twilights also heard it, my Lord,” Kitten added. “Also the rest of the Custodes.”
“My Lord!” one of the Custodes said, slapping his abs. “Can you let us have oil-drenching Tuesdays again?”
“FUCK. NO.”
“As you wish…” he said, disappointed.
“NOW GO AND DECORATE THE PALACE SOME MORE. WE’RE STILL GOING TO CELEBRATE. BUT JUST US.”
“Right away!”
Corona rolled her eyes. “I don’t want to know.”
“You really don’t,” Kitten confirmed.
A phone rang – the Emperor’s phone.
“…Tzeentch?” Kitten asked.
“I DON’T KNOW WHY HE DOESN’T JUST USE THE WARP,” the Emperor said. “YES, DAEMON-SPAWN?”
“So, just calling to let you know, I had Ahzek sent there specifically to ensure this all happened. You know what that means!?”
“DON’T. YOU. DARE.”
“I got you to admit you were wrong about something! Exactly. As. Planned. Bye!”
“TZEENTCH!!”
The entire palace began to shake with the outraged and infuriated anger of the Emperor.
“Woah-kay, calm down there…” Corona said, using her own magic to keep the reality around them stable.
“Just give him a minute,” Kitten said. “The Warp storms will subside momentarially.”
“EAVOUEYWUOAYIRENUOAVEUIEAHVEOWUARGRAAAAHEUOWAVHWEUOYRKEWNAFWELYARFUCKFUCKBHEUOWAITENWADSOUGEWATZEENTCHWUOEVHAWEUOREKWNOUONASOUEROIEAFE”
“Is the text-to-speech broken?” Corona asked.
Kitten shook his head. “No, it just can’t translate the emotions he’s outputting directly to text.”
“Geez.”
“Yes. It is indeed, ‘geez’.”
Corona raised an eyebrow and tried not to laugh.
“…I’ll show myself out.”
~~~
Eve eventually pulled her head out of Flutterfree’s wings. “…You really care that much?”
Flutterfree nodded, sniffing. “It’s worth every strain. It doesn’t matter how difficult it is, I don’t want to lose your friendship. No matter what you or I have done. It didn’t matter if you got me a candle, I wouldn’t have let that come between us.”
Eve smiled sadly. “...I should have known. Because… because I feel the same things. Not once today did I think of what you were giving me.”
“Same.”
“You were panicking too, weren’t you?”
Flutterfree laughed nervously. “Y-yeah…”
Eve chuckled. “We… we really blew this out of proportion, huh?”
“You’re the one who went all chaos-princess on us.”
“I was tricked by Tzeentch!” Eve said, shaking her head. “Speaking of…” She pulled out her phone and sent a text to him. You’ve just made a very stupid mistake. Assaulting the mind of an Overhead?
The second she sent it, a response came back. Was it really stupid, my pedantic purple pony? Or did you really give Flutterfree – and yourself – the best gift that could have possibly come about? Look at where the two of you are sitting, right now. Your bond of friendship is stronger than it’s been for quite some time.
Eve stared at the message, realizing he was right. He had done exactly what he’d promised.
I think that earns me some good-Chaos-god points.
Eve’s first instinct was to type back an angry response, but Flutterfree put a hoof on her shoulder and shook her head.
Eve realized she was right – getting angry would probably just validate Tzeentch’s sense of humor. With a soft smile, she sent him a simple message.
Happy Hearth's Warming, Tzeentch.
MEEEEEEERRY CHRISTMAS! came the response.
Eve put her phone away. “Well… I guess we’ve given each other our presents early.”
Flutterfree chuckled. “Yeah. I don’t mind. We can focus more on the others when the day comes.”
“Oh, that’s right!” Eve turned to the Primary team and Renee. “I’m sorry, I forgot about you!”
“It’s okay,” Pinkie said with a smile. “It wasn’t you in there.”
“Tzeentch was still trying to… ‘help’ me, I guess.”
“Then we can be mad at him, dear,” Renee declared. “By the way, someone go get Vriska before she spends all of Hearth's Warming week looking for Thrackerzod.”
Jotaro smirked. “Yare yare daze…”
“Oh, before you go…” Eve used her magic to pull them all into a group hug. “Happy Hearth's Warming.”
Pinkie looked out at the beyond. “And Merry Christmas from all of us to you readers! Enjoy your holidays!”
“Pinkie, stop ruining the moment,” Nova muttered.
“What? They need to hear it too!”
“It’s fine,” Eve said. She tried to look in the same direction as Pinkie. “Uh… Yeah. Happy holidays… all you. …Did I do it right?”
“Eh, close enough,” Pinkie said with a giggle.
~~~
Tzeentch opened a portal in the Warp, grabbing Ahzek and D’mirik from their prison. “Well, it looks like you two screwed up, exactly as planned.”
Ahzek folded his arms – he had nothing else to say.
“Aw, turn that frown upside-down! We’re not here to talk about your successful loss, but rather celebrate! The Warp can have its celebrations too.”
Suddenly, D’mirik and Ahzek had Santa hats on.
“Perfect! Now let’s go decorate the tree with corpses! I have a few of them candied in vats of caramel!”
“That does sound fun,” D’mirik admitted.
Ahzek growled. “As long as I get the honor of killing some of them.”
“Granted! Though remember, Ahzek, we don’t make Merodi Universalis upset. We want good-Chaos points with them!”
“…My Lord, we’re indirectly at war with them.”
“Yes. So? It’s still all part of the plan! Everything is part of the plan… The eternal plan…” He let out an evil festive laugh. “Chaos can’t remain as it is within the multiverse… We will change! And who else can do the job?”
Ahzek couldn’t help but feel exasperated.
~~~
Eventually, of course, the actual day of celebration would arrive. The holiday. Everyone spent it in their own way…
Rev stood on the stage of her Church with about a dozen Sporks standing behind her. She had decided to open up the Church on the holiday so everyone could come together to celebrate their own way. She and the Sporks were singing great carols.
“God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas Day
To save us all from Satan's pow'r
When we were gone astray
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
Oh tidings of comfort and joy!”
Elsewhere, Eve and her closest friends were sitting in the Renee-decorated castle hall, warming themselves around the hearth fire. Everyone was opening presents, drinking cocoa, and laughing Flutterfree cleared her throat and began to sing.
“Take heed all you little ponies
Lest hatred find its way
Recall the founders’ fire
Equestria’s first day
To defy the Wendigos’ pow’r
So our children can play
Oh tidings of friendship and cheer
Friendship and cheer
Oh tidings of friendship and cheer!”
In the throne room of the Emperor there were shining trees covered in lights of all colors. Ornate skulls were covered in festive candles and images of the great victories in the Warp adorned the walls. All the Custodes were in the Emperor’s presence, drinking and yelling and having a great time. Kitten felt compelled to sing for some reason he couldn’t explain.
“Under our righteous Emperor
We fight against the Warp
A galaxy of Chaos
Their stings are no more sharp
With our allies, we burn their homes
And fillet them like carp
Oh tidings of great victory
Great victory
Oh tidings of great victory!”
Elsewhere within the same universe, the Blood Angel marines celebrated Sanguinala as they always had – with downcast faces and mournful minds, a time of remembering for what had been lost.
“Oh soul of great Sanguinius
You still watch over us
Savior of the Emperor
Oh why must it be thus?
Return to us and strike them down
Leave no time to discuss
Oh tidings of sorrow and light
Sorrow and light
Oh tidings of sorrow and light.”
The League of Sweetie Belles ended up holding their holiday celebration out in the streets of Merodi’s capital city. Virtually every member – a number over a hundred – was out, about, and singing cheerfully for the betterment of their neighbors.
“Take rest all you weary workers
The time for toil is done
And now’s the time for giving
Remember everyone
Forget the winters in our lives
Enjoy family’s fun
We wish you a merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas!”
On that day, many universes sung as one. They sung for different reasons, many in outright contradiction with each other – but that didn’t matter in the slightest. They were in complete harmony despite all prior arguments and conflict.
It was the spirit of the holiday season.
Author's Note
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! Remember to enjoy it regardless of what or how you celebrate!
Most of you probably know this is part of Songs of the Spheres. If you don't... Well you're probably very confused. I hope you enjoyed this wild ride regardless and are encouraged to check the setting out!
-GM, master of SNOW.
