Jakkid166 Presents
The holiday of the year
The Detective Jakkid166 Christmas Special
"HellOOOOO MORNING!" I shoute as I jump out of bed. "Its time to begin a new DAY!" And so I begun my musical christmas song of holingday cheer.
I grabbed my fridge opener and opened my fridge and said "And so today is christmas day again this year. And today im gonna spread some christmas cheer" and I grabbed the cereal and milk out of there for break fast.
I pourned my corn flakes onto my plate and dipped the corn plate into my milk and ate it and I was ready full for the day. I grabbed my detective things and went ouside to begin the most day of the YEAR!
As I walked out into the snow I continue singing "Its cristmas day in Ponyville. And on this day the ponies will gimme lotsa presents for detectiving."
I walked by the market and there was lots of ponies buying stuff and being happy. "Its the day to be getting lotsa toys exept Im an adult and I dont want toys I want expensive stuff like games and beer."
"Hi detective jakkid166!" The Ponies said as I walked by on that day.
"Hello ponies," I said to them and they were all really gay. (The happy kind not the other kind. I am supportive of all life style though.)
But then the song ended because I was reading a sign. I was confused at it, because it said not christmas, but instead it said "It is Hearths Warming Day".
"What the hell heck is hearths warming day?" I said confused. "Today is CHRISTMAS! This is christdiculous." And so I went to Twilights house to ask her what the hell Hearths Warming Day is.
"Well Jakkid" said Twilight "Hearths Warming Day is our pony version of Christmas day."
"What?" I said "I will not celebrate a ripoff Christmas!"
"Thats okay jakkid," said Twilight "You can celerate whatever holiday you want to! Thanks to the second amedment. Of Equestrias Constitution."
"No!" I said and I took out gun and shot Twilight's Hearths Warming Tree. "I will not allow other ponies to do it either?"
"What the fuck? My tree! Its gonna bleed out if I dont take it to a hospital" said Twilight. "Also why the hell you won't allow us to celebrate our holiday?"
"Because!" I said. "Christmas is the real holiday because its where we celebrate the birth and resurection of our lord and savior, Santa Claus."
"Yeah well what we celebrate on Hearths Warming day is better!" said Twilight. "I dont remember what it is though. But every Hearths Warming is when Celestia Claus comes to deliver presents to our houses."
"Too bad," I said. "If you ponies dont celebrate Christmas instead, I will arrest you all!"
"What?!" said Twilight. "But what law would we breaking?"
"Who cares" I said. "You dont need to break the law to be arrested. Havent you ever been to America?"
"Yeah," said Twilight "But thats irrelevant! This our holiday, you cannot erase it!"
"Yeah I can," I said and I took out a peece of paper and wrote "Hearths Warming Day" on it and erased it.
"You son of a bitch!" said Twilight and she tackled me and we rolled around and we foguth and punched each other. Twilight was gonna use her magic to beat me but she forgot to.
Suddenly Rainbow showed up at the window and said "Hey Twilight why are you and jakkid making out?"
"What the fuck?" I said "We are not doing that! We are fighting because I am gonna destroy Hearths Warming Day."
"What you cant do that!" said Rainbow and she flew in to the window and started fighting me too.
And then Applejack was at the window and said "Hey portner, what the heck are you doin?"
"Come help us beat up Jakkid," said Rainbow.
"Alrighty" said Applejack and she did that.
This kept goin on a whole bunch of times until eventually the whole town was fighting me
"STOP!" i finally said and held out my gun. "I am arrest all of you right now!" I said. "Everyone get in line to get handcuffed."
so I put hand cuffs on every single pony in town. (I actually dident have enough for all of them so I had to make new handcuffs outta stuff like chains and ropes and tissues. After like 4 hours everyone was cuffed, so I took them to the polece station but I couldnt fit them all in the cells. So I put the rest of them under house arrest, but in Twilights house.
"Come on door shut!" I said cause I was trying to squeeze the door shut to Twilights house which wa filled to the brim with ponies. Finally I shut it and clapped my hands. "Finally, I have serve justice!"
"But jakkid!" said one of the ponies who was at the window. "You is forgetting the spirit of Christmas!"
"Oh shit youre right." I said and I open my pocket and took out a bottle of spirit and drank it. "Thanks for reminding me." and I went back home.
"Time to relax," I said as I sat down in me recliner in my detective house. I turned on the TV and put on the album "The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stadrust and the Spiders from mars" and leane back listening to it.
I slowly drift off into the land of the sleep....
"Detective JAKKID166....."
"WAH!" i screamed awake. "Who is there?!" I took out my gun and shot every direction in a 360 degree. I heard crashing and screaming ouside though so I quickly put me gun away.
"Detective jakkid cease your madness!" the voice said. I looked behind my chair and I was shocke at what I see.
It was the ghost... of David Bowie!
"Holy shit!" I said "David bowie what are you doing here? I listen to you music all the time!"
"Yes but thats not important right now," said David Bowie. "Detective jakkid I am here to show you what happen if you dont let the ponies celebrate their holiday."
"Hey can you sing Life on Mars? I love that song"
"NO!" he said. "I am not here for that you idiot! Come ON!" and he grabbed me arm and threw me out the window. "AAAAAAGH" I screamed while I was falling until I realized we was on the first story of my house insteadof the second or third or fourth. I got up and brush myself off "David why did you do that? I got dirt allover my $50 suit."
"Come on," he said. He grab my hand and we flew off into the darkness of night. We flew over the streets of ponyville and I said "Hey everything looks normal here. WHere the hell are we going?"
"Into the FUTURE!" he said and he snapp his fingers. Suddenly everything changed into being the same.
"Wooooah," I said. "Hey wait theres a big christmas tree in the middle of town whats that for?"
"Well you see," said Bowie "In this future version of Ponyville, all the ponies banished you from town so they cold celebrate their holiday."
"That is so fuck of them!" I said. "But where am I then"
Bowie pointed outside of town where my house was moved to. We look at the balcony on the 4th floor and saw I was on there watching the ponies celebrate Hearths Warming while I was alone.
"Bah humbug," said future-me. "All the ponies down in Ponyville suck dick! Im gonna drink some water real quick." so future me grabbed some water and drank it. "Stupid ponies singing their songs. They dont know their rights from wrongs."
"What the fuck this is terrible!" I said. "Im speaking rhymes!"
"Yes," said bowie. "You see, after the ponies kicked you out, you started speaking in rhymes cause of the same reason that Zecora always speaks in rhymes. A maligant brain tumor."
"Shit!" I said. "And I cant get healthcare from Ponyville cause im banned!"
"Thats right," said Bowie.
"Wait a minute" I said. "How do I know you are really david bowie? And not just Twilight or some pony trying to trick me?"
"Because I'm a ghost, and Twilight is not dead."
"That makes sense," I said. "But fuck! It sifn ethen! If the ponies dont want me they dont need me. They probably better off without me anyway."
"Okay," said Bowie "Then let me show you what Ponyville is like without you." and he snap his fingers and saw a vision of a poynville that was covered in flames and criminals was running everywhere.
"Shit!" I said. "Theres criminals everywhere!"
"No there isnt," said Bowie. "This is just Ponyvilles annual "run around and steal and burn things" day."
"Then whats different without me?"
"Nothing. My POINT IS, ponyville is NOT better off without you! Its not really worse either, but still not better!"
"Then who cares" I said.
"Except one thing!" said bowie and he went into Twilights house. She was sitting there with the rest of the element friends.
"Hey guys it kinda sucks that Detective jakkid166 doesnt exist," said Twilight.
"Yeah," said Rainbow. "It sucks that he never came here and we never met him or found out about him. Now we will never know about Detective jakkid166. If we did know about him he would probably be a good friend though."
"Wow," I said. "They think I am a good friend?"
"Yes," said bowie. "The ponies of ville respect you for you detective skills. You are going to throw that away because of a holiday?"
"Hmm," I said. "Yeah."
"WHAT?" said Bowie and he got angry. "Jakkid ar you serious? This journey was suposed to convince you to be tolerance of ponies ideas!"
"Yeah so what?" I said. "Im not wrong."
"AAAAGH!" said Bowie "Never mind! Forget it! Detective jakkid, you are Detective JACKASS!" and he disappeared and I woke up back in my home.
"Woah," I said "That was a strange dream." I put my hand to my face. "Hmm, now I am awake in middle of the night. What should I do to stop the Hearth's Warming?"
And then I got a IDEA!
TO BE CONTINUED)
I sunwalked (opposite of moonwalking) out the door my house and looked at the night time. All the ponies was already escaped Twilights house and went back home, except for Twilight who was stuck in her house still because that is her house where she lives.
“Hmm lets see,” I said and I pulledout my watch to see how cold it is outside. “Mine watch says its 17F outside which must mean it is 1:40 AM right now. All the time I need”
So I grabbed a buncha snow and rolled it into 3 balls of snow and put them on eachother. Then I pull out a Top Hat and a cigar and carrot and arm sticks and a name tag that says "Frostie the Snowman" and I put all those on him.
And there musta ben some magic in that top hat I had, cause when I put it on his head he came to life and said "What the fuck I am alive?"
"Yes!" I said. "I built you, so I am your boss now. And maybe your dad. But cause you have a cigar in your mouth that make you EVIL frosty the snowman."
"Damn son!" said Frosty. "Oh yeah since Im evil that means I can swear now."
"Anyway, I ned you to help me do ONE THING!"
"What is it"
"We are gonne STEAL CHRISTMAS! I mean hearths warming. Just like in that christmas movie. The Santa Clause"
"Okay," said Frosty "I like christmas but I will do wat you say because you built me so that make you my boss. And you pay good money."
~ LATER TIME ~
Me and Frosty was scoping out the townof ponyville. I had bonoculars looking through them, but Frosty wanted to look too so I grabbed some snow and made him some Snow Binoculars so he cold see.
"What the hell is harths warming day?" said Frosty.
"Hearths Warming Day is like Christmas Day, except it sucks because it doesnt have enough Santa in it. Every holiday should have at least 3 Santa Points to be good."
"So how are we gonna steal the holiday then?"
"We are gonna go in their houses and blow up the presents with rocket launchers!" and I gave a rockit launcher to Frosty.
"Oh heck," said Frosty. "Its a good thing I learned how to shoot onea these in Frosty the Snowman 3."
"Just to be sure, take test shot at something."
"Like what?"
"Anything that isnt alive"
"Okay," said Frosty and he aimed at onea the Ponies houses and fired the rocket. But he was actually holding it BACKWARDS so the rocket went behind us and blew up my house.
"Okay," I said. "You are a fucking idiot. And now I am homeless, maybe i should've not've let you shoot the rocket launcher."
"Shit sorry" said Frosty "Let me one more chance, Please jakkid166!"
"Okay fine, but if you kill me I will arest you!"
"Ok bitch!" said Frosty and he aimed at a house and shot the rocket and it went in through the window and blew up there presents and tree and maybe other stuff.
"Parfect!" I said. "Wait a minute am I being mean right now?"
"No," said Frosty. "Just idiot."
"Oh ok," I said. "Wait what you mean?"
"Why blow up their stuff when you can steal it all and sell it on eBay?"
"Shit thats right! Frosty the Snowman you are a geniosity!"
So frosty and Me got in my Detective car (i had to turn the AC on very cold so he woldent melt.) and we drove to the first ponys house, whose address was 555 Fivefive Drive.
"Hmmmm" I said. "We are gonne have to figure out a way to get inside."
"What if we breek the window?" said Frosty.
"No we cant do that, because that breaking and entering. So we have to enter without breaking so we dont break the law. Or else I will have to arrest myself."
"Chimney!"
"GREAT IDEA!" I said "Except not because how the hell we gonne get on the roof?"
"Take the stairs idiot" said Frosty.
"Oh yeah." So we open the door and went in the house and went up the stairs and went onto the roof. "Ok I will go down the chimeny first." so I jumped down the chimney and lande at the bottom.
But what I did not know was, there was FIRE in the chimeny!
"FUCK!" I said cause my ass was fire "HEEEEELP" and I got outa the fireplace and started running around the house. I was knockeing everything over and setting stuff on fire and my ass was medium rare
So then Frosty jump down the chimney too and he landed on my head and it extingished me because he is made of snow and snow is water and water putsout fire.
"Okay sweet we are in!" said the Frosty. Snowman
"Perfect," said the me "Letsgo find the presents!"
So I skated down the staires and looked at the hearths warming tree and saw all the presents. They was wraped in rapping paper and singing paper
"Alright sweetus!" I said "Lets grab the presence." But when I was about to become grabbing them presents, I heard a sound in me ears that made me shiver in me boots!
I look behind me and there was a DOG growling at us.
"O fuck," I said. "I forgot ponies have dogs in Ponyville becaus it is illegal to not own one."
"Whater we gonna do?!" cried Frosty.
"WAIT" I shout. "I got the idea!" so I ran outta the house and went down to the market to buy a steak and ran back to the house and gave it to the dog and it ate it and it was happy now.
"Wow jakkid you are so smart!" said Frosty
"Yeah I know. Now lets go steal hearths warming day!" so we grabbed the presents and ran outside.
And we did th EXACT same thing for like 100 houses that night. The extant of mine and Frosties rampage was instoppable! It was one hell of a heck, but we did it.
"Exellent," I said as I stuff the last present in the trumk of my car. "Now we gotta just wait til morning."
Soo we drove back to my house and slept there til morning.
~ THE NEXT DAY (is a great david bowie album) ~
I humped outta bed and opened the freezer (where frosty was sleepin) and I said HEY man wake up we gotta watch the ponies wake up and see their holiday gone!
"Aw hell yeah," said Frosty and he went onto my balcony with me.
"I set all there alarm clocks to 6 AM while they sleeping, so they shold be waking up right... NOW!" I said and looked ouside.
Me and Frosty looked as every pony run out of their houses screaming.
"MY PRESENTS IS GONE!" said one poney.
"MY DOG IS FAT" said anothere pony
"Someone steal all my billy joel albums!" said pony 3
"FUck!" said Twilight Sparkle "Eerybody calm down! We will get to tha bottom of this!"
"Haha," I said to Frosty "Their reaction is hilarious right?"
"Yeah it is Im gonna post this on myspace," said Frosty.
"Wait Twilight!" said Pinkie and she held up onea the presents I stole. "This has Detective jakkids fingerprints on it!"
"WHAT?!" said Twilight "DAMMIT! I shoulda knowed! That dirty fukshit bitchcock!"
"Well," said Rarity "But Hearths warming is a day about ponies care for each other on this day, not presents. So how bad is this?"
"VERY BAD!" said Twilight and she lit her hair on fire to show how anger she is. "EVERYBODY IN PONYVILLE LISTEN UP THE FUCK!"
every pony listend to her.
"WE ARE GOING TO KILL DETECTIVE JAKKID166"
"YEEEAH!" all the ponies yell in agree.
~ MEANWHILE ~
I put me binoculars down. "O shit."
I saw all the ponies of Ponyville running tward my house and they had torches and pit chforks and war helmets and guns.
"Fuck!" I said "Okay Frosty get inside we gota prepare for WAR!"
So we DASH inside and ran to me detective weapons safe. "Lets grab the asault rifles, but I am honor ary detective so I only keep tranquilizze rifles."
"Ok," said Frosty and he grab a rifle and we both bockade all the doors with stuff and aim thru the windows.
Meanwhile we go, the ponies had got to my house and Twilight was leadign them. She made a megaphone out of snow and said "DETECTIVE JAKKID GIVE US BACK OUR PRESETS!"
"NO!" I said "A true detectiv never give up his priciples!"
"Goddammit!" said Twilight "Someone break in!"
"No you cant do that thats breaking and entering" I said.
"Oh yeah darn," said Twilight. "Okay well come out here so we cn fight you!"
"Ok," I said and me and frosty went outside. "So you want you presents back?"
"Probably" said Twilight.
"TOO BAD!" I said and I SHOOT MY GUN AT THEM
"Shit!" said Twilight and she dodge and some other poneys got tranqilized. "EVRYONE ATTACK!"
so me and Frosty duck down behind a Playing Card i left on my lawn and use it as cover. I pulled out a Tranquilize Grenade and threwit out behind me and it exploded on the ponies. "Frosty are you ready to rock?"
"Yeah lets do this," said Frosty. And so we JUMP OUT from behind the cover and we SHOOT at the ponies. It was HUGE firefight like on Normandy Road and so many bulets went between us, more bullets than everyone use in World War 2.
"Jakkid you canot fight forever!" said Twilight
"Yea I can," I said but then I run outta ammo. "Aw fuck"
"Haha," said Twilight and the ponies shot at me but so I instead start punching and kicking the bulets out of the air with Detective karate. "Frostey quick I need more ammo!"
"I got you bro!" said Frosty but but Frosty got fill with bullet holes!
"oh NO!" I said and I jump over to dying Frosty. "Frosty speaked to me!"
"Sorry jakkid, ive been shooted. All me snow organs are shot."
"no, you are not allowed to die."
"Sorry im dead now," said Frosty and he was dead. "I am dead"
"NOOOOOOOOO!" I cried out to the heeeeavens in anger and disterss. "You pastards! You kill my son!" and I shot my tranquilizer gun at them. "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" But it wa too much. All the ponies had so much gun I was guned down in a blaze of gory.
"Shit" I said and I died
"WHAT" said Twilight "You ideots you was supposed to bring not-killing guns!"
"Aw fuck," said Rainbow. "Oh well we get our presents back!"
"Oh yea good point," said Twilight. "Lets get our stuff and go home."
and so they did that
"GAAAAAASP" I WOKE UP in my bed. I look around and everthing was normal, and my house was not blown up. "Wahat the fuck?" I jump out of bed and look outside at the ponyville. "Shit!"
I went back to me living room and thought to myself "Wow, David Bowie musta given me a dream to teach me the spirit of cristmas! I dont know how I was not seen it before! I was being a dick, and not detective kind!" and I punch myself in the face. "Thats it! From now on I celebrate Hearths Warming Day too!"
So I ran outta me house and down th streets of the grass of ponyville. "Hell o everypony! Happy Hearths Warming Day!"
I got to Twilights house "TWILIGHT open up!" and I force the door open.
"Jakkid what the fuck?" said Twilight. "What are you doign?!"
"Twilight I am sorry for not acepting you holiday of Heaths Toffee. But now from now on, I will celebrate too with you ponies!"
"What? but jakkid this is june."
"Wait what." and my eyes went eyes. "Wait shit did I dream that whole thing?"
THE END
