Rent-A-Pony

by naturalbornderpy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Fluttershy, Random, Human
Length: 2316

Rent-A-Pony is proud to announce it's slashing their prices yet again. One dollar will now get you one whole day with a pony of your choice. Sounds too cheap to be true? Stop asking questions and rent a pony anyways!

Breaking news! Rent-A-Pony is proud to announce that it's slashing their prices yet again.

One dollar will now get you one whole day with a pony of your choice.

Sounds too cheap to be true? Stop asking questions and rent a pony anyways!

Seriously... just stop asking questions.

Published 2018-12-23 19:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-12-23 19:10:01 UTC

Defpones

Anxiously, Anthony glanced at his watch before turning to his friend. “Didn’t you say you had to take off soon?”

Steve, seated on the same couch as Anthony, gave a fake yawn. “I did. But when I said that, I had no idea you’d be ordering pizza today.”

With that said, he grabbed another slice out of the box and ate half of it in two large bites.

Again, Anthony looked at his watch and sighed.

“Seriously, Steve. As much as I love it when you eat all my food, I do have plans—”

But before he could finish, Steve choked on a mouthful of pizza, vigorously pointing at the TV in front of them. “T-turn it up!” he spat, trying his best to talk while chewing. “It’s that insane commercial I told you about!”

Anthony did as he was told, turning up the volume with the remote—although by this point, he thought he could recite most of the commercial with relative ease. He must’ve seen it at least two dozen times this week alone… plus however many times it played before a random video on the internet.

On the TV screen stood a tall, pink unicorn with a pearly white smile. Anthony thought if she tried grinning any harder, her head might split in two.

“Hi! I’m Princess Pomegranate,” the enthusiastic unicorn said. “Here with more exciting Rent-A-Pony news! Did you know that for this entire month, we’ve slashed our prices in half? Yes, you heard that right! One pony for one day now costs just one single dollar! That means that for less than the cost of one cup of coffee, you can spend a whole day with a cute and fuzzy pony! Heck! Speaking of coffee, why not get a cup with your new adorable friend!”

While Princess Pomegranate yelled at the camera, numerous images of ponies with humans zoomed across the screen. Some walking about. Some listening to music. One image of a human and a pony seated at some fast food joint. And a final image of a girl driving her motorcycle while her Rent-A-Pony sat terrified in the passenger seat. Thankfully, both wearing helmets.

Steve chuckled to himself. “This Rent-A-Pony thing must be doing ridiculously well. I see this damn commercial nearly every day—and it’s always changing! Like they have the money to afford to shoot new ones all the time.” He rolled his eyes, turning slightly to Anthony. “But you gotta admit… this is still pretty messed up. What sort of loser wants to spend all day with a talking pony? What do you even do with them? Talk pony politics? How to turn doorknobs with hooves?”

Back on the TV screen, Princess Pomegranate happily ranted onward, now focusing on the benefits of renting your very own Rent-A-Pony. “Scientists have found that spending time with ponies decreases stress levels, increases overall wellbeing, and in total makes a person exactly one hundred and twelve percent more awesome. Isn’t that right, Doctor?”

The camera panned to the side where a man in a lab coat stood. He appeared caught off guard. “Actually, what I really said was—”

“Oops!” Princess Pomegranate interrupted. “Looks like we’re out of time for today, but make sure you tune in tomorrow where I’ll be explaining what makes ponies so much better than useless throw pillows! Bye-bye for now!”

The Rent-A-Pony theme began. Little more than a person screaming “RENT-A-PONY!” four times in a row. Still, it managed to get stuck in your head no matter what you did.

Anthony turned the volume back down and instead of checking his watch, he just shoved it into Steve’s face. “Finish that slice and then get out. Seriously, I have plans and now you’re just being a pest.”

“Me? A pest?” Steve asked while grease slid down his chin. “What are you up to, anyways? Having a girl over?”

“None of your business, Steve.”

“Organizing your Funko Pop collection?”

“I have, like… two of those, so I don’t think you can even make fun of me for that. But stop changing the subject. You. Out. Now. Do I need to show you where the door is?”

Wiping his hands and face with a napkin, Steve finally took the hint and rose from the couch. He stretched quickly and said, “Okay. Okay. I’ll go. Honestly, thanks for the snack. I’ll get out of your hair…” Then he grinned mischievously. “Right after I hit the can!”

“Piss on the bus, Steve!” Anthony growled.

That’s when the doorbell rang and Anthony’s face flushed.

He shut his eyes and lowered his head. “Early. Damn it. She’s way early.”

Steve’s smile remained glued to his lips. “So, it is a she. Shouldn’t we be introduced?”

The doorbell rang again. “Anthony? You home? Heeelllooooo!”

“She sounds cute,” Steve said. “Aren’t you gonna answer the door for your friend?”

Anthony opened his mouth, then shut it again. He exhaled roughly. “Fine. Let’s get this over with.” Then he called out, “It’s open, Rainbow Dash!”

Steve raised a curious brow. “Rainbow Dash? Honestly, Anthony. Usually after we meet people online, we stop calling them by their internet names. Unless you want me to call you Anonymous Anthony from now on.”

“Keep making jokes,” Anthony grumbled. “I can’t see you stopping anytime soon.”

While the pair barked at each other, the person from outside entered, softly trotting on the living room carpet. “Hey, Anthony! Who’s your friend?”

Steve turned from Anthony to the small blue pegasus with the rainbow-colored mane. Then he turned back. And again and again as if stuck in a glitch.

With a smile almost as big as Princess Pomegranate’s, Steve knelt to shake hands/hooves with Rainbow Dash. He introduced himself and so did she.

“You wouldn’t be from Rent-A-Pony, would you?” he asked cheerfully.

“You’ve heard about us?” Rainbow Dash asked. “That’s awesome! Yep! Been working there forever now! Anthony and I are like super chill. Isn’t that right, Anthony?”

She held a hoof out to him. Although Anthony’s face was as red as a cherry, he eventually fist bumped it in return. He still hadn’t said a single word in his defense.

“You and Anthony hang out often?” Steve asked.

“A couple times a week,” Rainbow Dash replied, using her mouth to dig around in her saddlebag. “You staying to watch movies, too?”

Steve faked shock. “Movies? What’s this about movies now? You two were about to watch some movies together? Isn’t that just the sweetest.”

While Rainbow Dash pulled out the four movies to set on the table, she laughed to herself. “Oh, I wouldn’t call these movies all that sweet. Anthony and I are having a fright fest! The scarier, the better!”

Steve was honestly taken back by that. He asked Anthony, “But don’t you hate horror flicks? Like… with a passion?”

Finally, Anthony spoke; seemingly pondering each word before uttering them. “I… do. But I also love films in general. It just seems like kind of a waste to never watch a whole genre of film just because I got spooked a few too many times as a kid. So… yeah. Maybe it’s time I got over it and conquered that fear.”

“All while doing so with a pony,” Steve clarified.

Anthony shrugged. “Her idea. She said she likes those kind of films.”

Using her hooves, Rainbow Dash turned one of the DVDs over to read off the back. She snorted. “This dude doesn’t even have a head! Where’d it go, I wonder? Can’t wait to find out.” She pointed from one DVD to the next. “I think I got a pretty good lineup here. Start with ‘Swamp Beast’, then move onto ‘The Thing from Over There’ then ‘The Shed’, before finishing with ‘Deathstalker Five’. I heard that one’s the best because it has five times the deathstalking in it.”

“Wow,” Steve said dryly. “Quite the marathon you two have planned. But I should probably get out of your hair—or mane, in this case. Got plans of my own, if you’d believe it.”

He took a step towards the door before Anthony halted him.

“Could I at least get a five for the pizza you ate?”

Steve reached into his pocket and brought out his wallet. Rising off the couch, Anthony ignored the offered money and went for Steve’s wallet instead. He immediately started searching through it.

“Hey! What’s the big deal? I don’t think I have much more than a fiver in there, Anthony,” Steve said, a deep blush on his cheeks. “Look. Can… can I have that back, already?”

With visible triumph, Anthony found what he was looking for, holding it above his head like some videogame character displaying a newly found weapon. “Could this be what I think it is? Could it truly? A Rent-A-Pony membership card? Steve… you really are a pest. And let’s look on the back here. Wow. Nine visits already with… Fluttershy? Am I pronouncing that right? Tenth visit’s free, too. That’s cool. That’s great. That’s just super.” He glanced back up, his original embarrassment gone. “So, what do you and Fluttershy even get up to, Steve? I can’t imagine you making fun of the company known as Rent-A-Pony with a real-life Rent-A-Pony pony.”

He paused.

“Try saying that six times fast.”

While Rainbow Dash did just that, Steve angrily snatched back his membership card and wallet, stuffing them into a pocket. “Well, since it seems like the pony’s out of the bag, I might as well spill. Videogames. That’s all.”

“Videogames?” Anthony questioned. “Dude. You and I play videogames all the time.”

“But… like… the hard ones,” Steve tried to clarify. “You know the ‘Dead Souls’ series?”

Anthony nodded. “Sure do. You tried the first one and almost broke the TV with the controller.”

“Yeah, well, I’m trying it again. I’m also trying to keep my temper in check this time around. And having Fluttershy there helps. A lot. She’s supportive, you know?”

Again, Anthony nodded. “I do know.”

He angled his head towards Rainbow Dash and Steve rolled his eyes in return.

The message had sunk in. Finally.

Steve’s original smirk returned. “You know what we should do?”

***

Up on the TV screen, Steve’s knight in rusted armor attempted to cross a thin, rickety bridge while hundreds of shrieking bats swooped down at him. This was attempt number forty-five. Everyone knew because Rainbow Dash had been keeping count.

Steve exhaled in relief. “Made it past the bats. Finally.”

Seated next to him on the couch was another pegasus named Fluttershy. Softly, she nuzzled her head into Steve’s side and told him earnestly, “See? I knew you could do it, Steve. And you didn’t even get mad a single time. I’m very proud of—”

Right before Steve’s knight was viciously launched into the air and back to the start of the level by some unseen boobytrap. The noise of his character splatting against the stone floor sounded beautiful through Anthony’s state-of-the-art surround sound system.

Steve gripped his controller until his fingers ached.

Fluttershy laid a hoof on his shoulder. “That was a great try, Steve. You got much further than last time. One more try? Hmm? I really, really think you’ll get it this time!”

“Forty-six! Attempt number forty-six!” Rainbow Dash announced bitterly. “Will we ever get to the frightening film fest?”

“Right after he beats level one,” Fluttershy told her. “Which should be—”

On the TV, Steve’s knight went splat again.

“—any minute now.”

Splat!

“Just give him time. He’s getting there.”

Splat-splat-splat!

“Maybe make that an hour. Is there a way to change the difficulty, perhaps?”

Anthony tapped on Rainbow Dash’s shoulder to get her attention. He held out his horrifically outdated ipod and headphones. “While we wait, you wanna listen to another human song? You said you found them pretty ‘radical’ last time around.”

Rainbow Dash brightened. “Sure! Why not? Way heavier than anything over in Equestria.”

Using her hooves, she clumsily popped the headphones on and hit shuffle. Deftones’ “Swerve City” quietly filled the room—although it must’ve been much, much louder in the headphones.

After yet another videogame death, Steve told Anthony, “Careful not to destroy her ears, bud. Might be more sensitive than ours. Don’t want to make a deaf pone with Deftones.” He laughed at his own ‘joke’. “Great. Now I want a pony cover band called ‘Defpones’.”

A half-hour later, Steve wholly conquered level one and the frightening film festival got underway. Before they began, Anthony asked the two pegasus if they wanted any popcorn or chips, but they both shook their heads and said, “We ate before we came” in complete unison. It was a little bit creepy.

Steve joined Anthony in the kitchen. “They make a good pair, don’t they?”

While the popcorn popped, Anthony leaned into the living room and found the two ponies snuggled up together on the couch. “Can’t argue there. Rainbow Dash even told Fluttershy she’d warn her of anything too scary coming up. Which I sort of doubt, but we’ll see.”

Steve nodded. “Ponies really don’t eat much, do they?”

“Nope,” Anthony agreed. “They’ve always ‘ate earlier’ somehow.”

“But they do like hugs.”

“That they do, ol’ chum. That they do. Any form of affection, really.”

“Huh.”

“Huh, indeed.”

Silence of doom filled the cramped kitchen.

Anthony spoke first, “This is a changeling invasion, isn’t it?”

Steve solemnly agreed. “Only way any of this makes sense. A dollar a day for a pony? Way too cheap. No human could properly defend themselves against prices that cheap.”

“Should we warn someone? Go to the police?”

Steve thought on that. “You know what? That’s a Tomorrow Steve problem. You know what Today Steve is gonna do?”

Anthony grimaced. “Hug ponies while watching cheesy horror movies?”

Today Steve agreed.

Tomorrow Steve regretted that decision.

Author's Note

Tomorrow naturalbornderpy dislikes Today naturalbornderpy. Mostly the drinking part.