The Gamer: Equestria

by TerribleTy27

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 6936

Spike recieves the abilities of The Gamer.

Spike has been at this 'Number One Assistant' thing for a long time, and the monotony is starting to get to him. Frankly, he's bored. Luckily, a very powerful (hopefully non-malicious) being is also bored. He also happens to be very interested in My Little Pony. In the interest of spicing up a very long running show, he decides to give Spike the abilities of the Gamer.
~|~|~|~
First story, plz don't flame
~|~|~|~
Unfortunately, I've realized that this story is going nowhere. I'm working on a new one (this time I know where the plot is going, thank God.), so don't worry, two or three people who are mildly interested in this!

Published 2018-12-28 01:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-01-03 15:09:23 UTC

Chapter 1: God is an MLP Fan

Tap. Tap. Tap.

A quiet tapping sound reverberated through the treehouse. It's source? A very bored, very annoyed dragon. This dragons name?

Spike.

For what felt like the hundredth time, he had been left behind on what had appeared to be a benign mission. He wasn't angry though. He understood that his personality could be very grating at times, and knew that the girls needed a break. But despite all that, he was still bored. He had resorted the books twice, dusted off the shelves once, and even went so far as to do a whole lot of nothing! For four hours straight, he had walked in a circle. Once he realized it was midnight, he attempted to retire- But he was restless. Oh so restless. This had been a consistent pattern for almost three years now. The lack of work had left his mind constantly unfatigued and hungry for something to do!

As sleep finally began to assert itself, he prayed.

To whom?

He didn't know.

But what he prayed?

He prayed that something would change. That this endless routine would finally end.

~|~|~|~

Little did he know, a certain God was also very restless. The whole humanity thing was interesting and all, but it could only go so far entertainment-wise. So as he waited for the apocalypse, he had gotten into some of humanities creations. Anime was a big one in particular, and occasionally the good movie or two. But the one that he enjoyed the most (and the one the other two loved to tease him about) was the friendly children's cartoon: My Little Pony. For a couple millennia, it satisfied him. Then, as the 57th season reached the finale, he realized something.

The show was boring.

After many, many episodes, the show had simply stopped trying. Quietly, the writers had begun reusing the same plots over and over, with just the slightest differences. Rainbow Dash and Applejack switched roles. Owliscious ran away instead of Spike. Mega-force Robot Rarity fought The Ultimate Battle Of MLP(TM) instead of alien genderbended Dusk Shine.

He sighed. If only there was some universe where My Little Pony was real. Then he could get some really fun-

Oh. He's omnipotent.

He snapped his fingers. A bright pastel land of rainbows and talking horsies greeted him. Green grass stretched on for miles. The only thing visible was a small town in the distance.

He grinned. He already knew what he wanted to do. A burning fire began to stir in his chest as he realized the magnitude of what he was about to do.

Namely, the massive amount of hilarity this would lead to.

Snap.

~|~|~|~

When Spike woke up, he was expecting purple crystal to greet him. Perhaps he would hear the quiet sounds of a sleepy town waking up in the distance. If he was particularly lucky, he might've even smelled the faint flowery scent of pancakes in the morning.

What he was not expecting was his Canterlot bedroom. What he was not expecting was the painfully loud hustle and bustle of a capital city. What he was not expecting was the smell of burnt death incarnate.

And he definitely wasn't expecting a blue pop up to hover in front of his face. Spike's eyes widened to the size of frying pans as a thousand thoughts raced through his mind. But with all the willpower of a green lantern, he clamped down on the wild thoughts. The most important thing was to gather information.

With the speed of a snail, he moved away from the pop up. As he moved, the pop up's direction changed too. Almost as if it were attempting to let him read the text easier. To his surprise it didn't follow him, but continued to merely change direction.

As he began to calm down, he read the box aloud, "You have slept in a comfortable bed. Your HP and MP has been fully restored?"

Clenching his teeth, he slashed his hand across the pop up. To his surprise, it felt as if nothing was there. His hand simply passed through the pop up. The pop up itself rippled like water before slowly turning transparent. Spike watch in awe and more then a bit of confusion as it completely vanished.

There were a couple of distinct possibilities for Spike at the moment.

Number one was that this was a dream. Spike shut his eyes. If this was a dream, it would at least destabilize. He opened his eyes.

Well, that's one posibility down.

Number two was that Twilight had experimented with him in his sleep. He grimaced. The thought was nasty, but it was plausible. When the mare got something into her head, virtually nothing could stop her.

For thinking through various possibilities in an efficient manner, you've received 1 INT!

"Spike!"

A familiar voice echoed through the room. Spike slowly turned around. His eyes bugged out for the second time that day as he saw a very irate, very wingless Twilight. As he stared in shock, he felt the familiar hold of levitation grasp him.

"Honestly Spike, how long were you planning on sleeping in? I cooked breakfast!" said Twilight.

Twilight plopped Spike in the seat as she sat into the one opposite him. In front of both them stood a tall pile of pancakes. Burnt, black, charred pancakes. He gulped them down as quickly as possible, knowing that his tongue would fall off if he 'savored' the taste.

"Say, Twilight?" began Spike.

"Hmm?" she said, poking the pancakes.

”What year is it?" he said.

Her eyes twitched as she spoke, "It's one thousand A.B, Spike. I've already given three lectures about the return of Nightmare Moon! Honestly-"

Spike phased out her voice as he realized something.

He had gone back in time.

"Spike, uh, are you alright?" said Twilight.

Twilight's face had morphed into concern, losing all the aggression it had mere moments ago.

"Just a bit tired. I'll be fine," said Spike.

You've created a new skill!
Deception
LV. 1
Description:
The level of this ability determines your ability to deceive and lie.
At your current level, you'd be lucky to trick a toddler.
Your chances of deception are calculated like so:
(LVofDeception + LCK) - (Subjects Perception + Subjects LCK)

He stared at the screen before waving it away, only for another to pop up.

Lie failed!

Twilight nodded slowly, a hint of concern still showing.

"Hey, if you need a break-" she began.

"It's fine," he said, with a bit more force then necessary.

Twilight reeled back. She had never heard that much aggression from Spike before. A warm ember crawled through her cheeks.

Elsewhere, a small universe imploded.

Twilight reeled back. She had never heard that much aggression from Spike before. Her face fell. His face fell as he realized he was worrying her. An inkling of guilt worked its way through his system. He let out a small tuft of air.

"We need to head to the library," she said.

He nodded.

~|~|~|~

"SURPRISE!"

Twilight was not happy. Spike on the other hand, was very grateful for the distraction. With a tip and a tap, he dashed up the stairs using the skill of a ninja.

Now that he had a moment alone, he could test out his ability. Time to see if he remembered the D&D rulebook properly.

"Status," he said, quietly.

A blue pop-up, virtually identical to the ones from earlier, filled up his vision.

Spike

Health-100/100

Mana-50/50

The Gamer

Title-None

Level-1 Exp-30/400

Race-Dragon

STR-4

VIT-3

DEX-2

INT-3

WIS-2

LUC-3

POINTS-0

MONEY- 0B

Spike is a dragon, the son of ? and ?. He is still a baby dragon, and has a fairly short attention span. He has ?, but hasn't figured it out yet. Spike is unaware of who his parents are, and wishes to find meaning in his life. Spike loves Twilight Sparkle, and all his friends.

Status-None

He sighed.

This is gonna be a very very long day.

Author's Note

This is my first fimfic, so bare with me. Also I have 0 idea where any of this is going. At all. No joke. Suggestions genuinely appreciated.

Chapter 2: What is this 'Comedy' you speak of?

Flip. Flip. Flip.

The sound of an old paperback D&D manual reverberated through the treehouse room. It's reader? A young dragon by the name of Spike.

"Inventory," he said.

A blue screen popped up. The whole thing was covered in criss crossing lines arranged in a table pattern. Spike slipped the notes he had so far into the screen. A small image of the notes filled up one of the boxes.

It was an inventory.

In the past hour he had learned quite a bit about his abilities. Or at least he hoped he did. On top of that, he had gained several new skills.

Reading:
LV 21
You can comfortably read simpler adventure novels. It takes about two minutes to get through a single page.

Writing:
LV 53
You can write faster than most people can read.

Academia:
LV 42
You're at the level of most high schoolers.

"Status," he said.

The familiar blue screen flew to the center of his vision.

Spike
Health-100/100
Mana-50/50
Class: The Gamer
Title-None
Level-1 Exp-30/400
Race-Dragon
STR-4
VIT-3
DEX-2
INT-3
WIS-2
LUC-3
POINTS-0
MONEY- 0B
Spike is a dragon, the son of ? and ?. He is still a baby dragon, and has a fairly short attention span. He has ?, but hasn't figured it out yet. Spike is unaware of who his parents are, and wishes to find meaning in his life. Spike loves Twilight Sparkle, and all his friends.
Status-None

Looking all of them over, he didn't even realize he had been pacing. That wouldn't be important in and of itself, but there happened to be a fairly heavy copy of Peace and Peace. Before he had even realized what had happened, he'd fallen into the pop-up.

His eye twitched.

Carefully, he pulled himself up to look at the pop-up once more. To his surprise, a small tooltip had popped out of the STR stat.

"This is too weird," he said, reading through each of the tooltips.

'STR determines strength, no surprise there. VIT determines stamina and health. DEX is just agility and speed. INT determines intelligence, or 'how'. WIS determines wisdom, or 'why'. LCK determines luck! Oh, I should write this down!'

You have received 1 WIS for reading through tooltips!
You have received 1 INT for grabbing writing supplies!

"This fic is going to be really inconsistent." said Spike.

Elsewhere, a small chicken spontaneously combusted. A farmer wandered into the smoldering room.
"What the-"

Spike broke out of his thoughts to grab writing supplies. Flicking out his quill using years of experience, he began to write like the pathetic assistant he was. As he marked down his statistics-

Meanwhile...

"I HAVE RETURNED MOTHER*****S!!!"

Nightmare Moon stepped onto the balcony, totally terrifying everyone!!! There was lots of screaming!!! Wahhhh!!!

Spike slipped a claw into his ear. Had he heard something?

Ignoring the strange sound, he focused on the new buttons that had popped onto the bottom right status screen.

Skills. Feats. Titles.

Spike clicked on the 'Skills'. A new screen popped up alongside the status screen. He worked his way through the listed skills.

Deception:
LV 1
The level of this ability determines your ability to lie.
Currently, you'd be lucky to fool a baby.
Your chances of deception are calculated like so: (LVofDeception + LCK) - (Subjects Perception + Subjects LCK)

Dragon Fire:
LV 1
Dragon Fire is a highly versatile skill given to (you guessed it) dragons. White fire can supposedly burn through the fundamentals of the universe itself, while green can teleport objects. The MP cost is extremely high, with the exception of green fire.
You currently receive a 0% efficiency bonus.

Green Fire:

LV 1

MP cost: 2 MP

You can teleport envelope sized objects with ease.

?
LV ?
Due to traveling through time, you ?????hl?amd?emqhr?

Gamers Mind:
LV MAX
You are virtually impossible to attack mentally.

Gamers Body:
LV MAX
You have near perfect control of your body.

His eyes flew to the question mark almost immediately.

'So it's connected to time travel,' he thought.

His eyes refocused on the status screen. Titles.

Assistant:
All utility skills receive x2 multiplier bonus.

His eye twitched for the second time that day.

CRASH!

"So you're a spy!"

A mellow smile spread across his face. He remembered how often Twilight would talk about this moment, and the following adventure. Too bad he wouldn't get to see any of it-

Save Twilight.

Success: +5 LV. Her undying gratitude.
Failure: Death.

He sighed. When the familiar sound of the library door closing reached his ears, he rushed down the stairs.

One by one, the mares ripped through the trials. By the time they had reached the castle, Spike was beginning to question the validity of the quest.

Then Twilight fell.

Spike nervously awaited the other five, watching the impending doom from a cubby hole. Where are they? A cold sweat broke out across his scales as Nightmare Moon stepped closer to Twilight. Her intentions were clear.

He knew what he had to do.

LV. 12 Combat
You might be able to last thirty seconds against a master. If you're lucky.

"Hey! Moon Butt!" said Spike.

Moon Butt's gaze leveled onto Spike. Ancient and terrible and glorious. Whereas others might probe with their vision, she was attempting to shoot him. Quickly, he shifted his gaze. Endless was the word that came to mind. Spike attempted to comprehend the power in front of him, but he couldn't. Something deep and primal told him he couldn't even hope to do so. One thing he could comprehend was that she was so far beyond him that any hope of victory was already foregone. Frankly the voice was right.

His mind flashed back to one of the skills he saw.

Gamer's mind.

'The only reason I'm not a blubbering mess on the ground,' he thought.

Internally, he grinned at his monologue.

Only one problem with all of that.

He didn't have to win.

Ding!

+5 WIS

Persuasion
LV 13
You might be able to convince a toddler to give up a lollipop.

Perception
LV 50
You've looked into the heart of the abyss, and can understand the tiniest bit.

"You dare?"

Two simple words, and yet they carried so much meaning.
Focus.

"Why are you doing this? Please, tell me your story," he said.

Nightmare Moon's hostility melted from her face. Replaced by a mere bittersweet pain. A small smile graced her face.

"You truly wish to know, young one?" she whispered.

He nodded slowly.

What followed was the single most beautiful story Spike had ever heard. Far too beautiful for words. Every syllable sang with an unheard melody. Every paragraph with an unknown symphony. It was indescribable. It was beyond comprehension. And yet for one moment, Spike understood. He comprehended.

As the elements charged up, he smiled. His eyes hit Twilights. She had a strange mix of emotions hidden away. A bit of fear, worry, and pride.

~|~|~|~

By the time he had fallen out of his trance, he was back at the library. He felt strangely warm?

Oh. Twilight was hugging him.

"You never do that again. You hear me?"

QUEST COMPLETED!!!

~|~|~|~

'It must've looked strange,' Spike thought, "to see how quickly I've advanced."

And it did look strange. Spike had been consuming every book he could find, solving every puzzle he could solve, and lifting every weight he could. Often all at the same time. It wasn't unusual to see him running through the town at the crack of dawn, reading A Dummy's guide to Fighting while dragging a tree. He even worked on his dragon fire. Twilight often gave him odd looks, but he shrugged it off.

Books were by far the most useful. All he had to do is read them and the knowledge translated into LV for skills. On top of that, he could read really fast.

Having finished his training for the day, he opened up his status.

Spike
Health-800/800
Mana-200/200
Class: The Gamer
Title-None
Level-6 Exp-30/400
Race-Dragon
STR-9
VIT-8
DEX-7
INT-8
WIS-12
LUC-3
POINTS-50
MONEY- 0B
Spike is a dragon, the son of ? and ?. He is still a baby dragon, and has a fairly short attention span. He has ?, but hasn't figured it out yet. Spike is unaware of who his parents are, and wishes to find meaning in his life. Spike loves Twilight Sparkle, and all his friends.
Status-None

Skills:
Skill Points: 50
Reading:
LV 57
You can comfortably read college level books. You have an average reading speed of around 1200 WPM.

Writing:
LV 53
You can write faster than most people can read.

Academia:
LV 59
You're at the level of most college students.

Deception:
LV 1
The level of this ability determines your ability to lie.
Currently, you'd be lucky to fool a baby.
Your chances of deception are calculated like so: (LVofDeception + LCK) - (Subjects Perception + Subjects LCK)

Dragon Fire:
LV 5
Dragon Fire is a highly versatile skill given to (you guessed it) dragons. White fire can supposedly burn through the fundamentals of the universe itself, while green can teleport objects. The MP cost is extremely high, with the exception of green fire.
You currently receive a 0% efficiency bonus.

Green Fire:

LV 1

MP cost: 2 MP

You can teleport envelope sized objects with ease.

?
LV ?
Due to traveling through time, you ?????hl?amd?emqhr?

Persuasion
LV 13
You might be able to convince a toddler to give up a lollipop.

Perception
LV 50
You've looked into the heart of the abyss, and can understand the tiniest bit.

Combat
LV. 32
Most amateurs have no chance of defeating you.

Gamers Mind:
LV MAX
You are virtually impossible to attack mentally.

Gamers Body:
LV MAX
You have near perfect control of your body.

Titles:

Assistant:
All utility skills receive x2 multiplier bonus.

He frowned. As usual, the leveling system made zero sense.

Now for the dilemma.

He had fifty skill points, and fifty stat points.

Reading was still an obvious one. The faster he could read, the faster he could gain more skills. But Dragon Fire was difficult to level up.

He dumped ten points each into Reading, Dragon Fire and Combat, resolving to use the rest later.

Stats.

It was tempting to dump it all into strength, but Spike had matured. Luck and Wisdom were the only ones he couldn't increase consistently. Nodding to himself, he pushed ten points each into Luck and Wisdom.

Now then, what to do with the rest?

"Spike!"

"Who what where?"

Twilight looked on, unamused.

"C'mon, I agreed to help Applejack with the farm," she said.

Spike simply nodded as they walked out the door.

"So," she began.

"So?" Spike replied.

"I'm worried about you," she said, with the barest hint of emotion.

Spike raised an eyebrow.

"Why's that?" he asked.

"Because you almost died a week ago!" she yelled.

Twilight had stopped walking. Barely suppressed rage and fear tugged at her heart as she looked him in the eye. Her breathing slowed as she stared him down.

"Spike, there's introverted and then there's just plain distant," she sighed, "You've been running around training, avoiding everypony, and it's scaring me."

She was surprised to see Spike walk up to her.

And hug her.

"I don't want to lose you, Spike," she whispered.

"You won't," he said.

~~"When will this story earn it's comedy tag, by the way?" she asked.~~

~|~|~|~

As they continued their walk to Sweet Apple Acres, he thought over what had just happened.

He hadn't even noticed, but he was slowly becoming more and more apathetic.

'Gamer's Mind,' he realized.

Whatever gave him such powerful resistance to mental attacks must also be causing him to lose his emotions.

That or he was crazy, but that wasn't a possibility he was very willing to consider. Giving a shy smile to Twilight, he promised himself something.

He would add enough fluff to reach two thousand words, no matter what the cost.

Chapter 3: Explosions

Plop. Plop. Plop.

"Agh, that smells awful!"

As Spike trudged through the muddy, sickening swamp, his mind wandered back to all the life choices that led him to this point.

Simply put, he needed to prove himself.

As the numbers grew higher, a small bit of him realized that he didn't really earn these skills. He wasn't even using them.

How could he hope to protect his friends if he couldn't even be bothered to fight?

Go to the Everfree forest and defeat a monster!
Succeed: +5 LV, ?, ?.

The free levels were a bonus, of course.

Hearing a quiet scuttle, he brandished his butcher knife in the noises direction. Soundlessly, he hopped out of the mud and onto the ground.

Before he could react, a silver sheen slashed at him. By some miracle it missed by a millimeter.

The millimeter was all he needed.

Mustering every bit of speed he could find, he jumped in the attackers direction. Eyes closed, he managed to make out the sensation of his blade striking flesh.

"Awooo!"

What the heck?

Spike opened his eyes to see a brown bipedal wolf. Or more accurately, a werewolf. A very angry werewolf. A bleeding, wounded werewolf.

"Perceive," he whispered.

Werewolf LV ?
Werewolves are arcane creatures created when one werewolf bites a normal being. This one has gravitational distortion abilities.

Grimacing, he pulled out his blade into a defensive position. Carefully, he imitated the stance he'd seen in Rupony Kenshin.

'There's no way my manga could be wrong!' he thought.

Once more, the werewolf jumped at him. In comparison to the initial strike, it was about as slow as a snail. Easily, Spike jumped to the side. Faster than he thought was possible, he moved his blade. The impossible speeds easily intercepting the creature in midair-

That was the plan, at least. Right as the werewolf was about to come into contact with the blade, the thing moved. For a moment, inertia didn't matter in the least. Hopping off an invisible wall, those very sharp claws were suddenly aiming for Spike.

On that day, the god of d20s was feeling awful kind. Elsewhere, about five hundred ponies were lucky enough to win twenty million bits.

~~A small universe exploded.~~

Spike moved his knife upwards in a vain attempt to parry. At the same time, he ducked as quickly and as deeply as possible.

Spike let out a painful yell. He wasn't dead, but he wanted to be. Why? He needed to know.

His claws slowly crawled their way to the top of his right cheek.

There was nothing. All he could feel was blood and flesh. His hard scales were completely gone.

He didn't even see the attack. All he could feel was the pain.

~|~|~|~

What the hell?

Spike looked around his afterlife, and all he could see was the big white Game Over. Below the message, three lowercase options shone.

New Game|Load Save|Quit

Spike slapped the 'Load Save'. A small message popped up, telling him he never saved.

Of course.

He wasn't very interested in clicking 'Quit'. Only one option then.

'New Game'.

~|~|~|~

Spike breathed in the smell of Canterlot aristocracy. He was back where his journey started. Pulling up his status screen, his mouth gaped open at the sight.

Spike
Health-900/900
Mana-400
Class: The Gamer
Title-None
Level-11 Exp-30/400
Race-Dragon
STR-13
VIT-10
DEX-11
INT-14
WIS-22
LUC-13
POINTS-80
MONEY- 0B
Spike is a dragon, the son of ? and ?. He is still a baby dragon, and has a fairly short attention span. He has ?, but hasn't figured it out yet. Spike is unaware of who his parents are, and wishes to find meaning in his life. Spike loves Twilight Sparkle, and all his friends.
Status-None

Skills:
Skill Points: 80
Reading:
LV 67
You can comfortably read college level books. You have an average reading speed of around 1200 WPM.

Writing:
LV 53
You can write faster than most people can read.

Academia:
LV 59
You're at the level of most college students.

Deception:
LV 1
The level of this ability determines your ability to lie.
Currently, you'd be lucky to fool a baby.
Your chances of deception are calculated like so: (LVofDeception + LCK) - (Subjects Perception + Subjects LCK)

Dragon Fire:
LV 15
Dragon Fire is a highly versatile skill given to (you guessed it) dragons. White fire can supposedly burn through the fundamentals of the universe itself, while green can teleport objects. The MP cost is extremely high, with the exception of green fire.
You currently receive a 19% efficiency bonus.

Green Fire:

LV 1

MP cost: 2 MP

You can teleport envelope sized objects with ease.

?
LV ?
Due to traveling through time, you ?????hl?amd?emqhr?

Persuasion
LV 13
You might be able to convince a toddler to give up a lollipop.

Perception
LV 50
You've looked into the heart of the abyss, and can understand the tiniest bit.

Combat
LV. 54
You can hold a light bulb to the searing lights of true masters.

Gamers Mind:
LV MAX
You are virtually impossible to attack mentally.

Gamers Body:
LV MAX
You have near perfect control of your body.

Titles:

Assistant:
All utility skills receive x2 multiplier bonus.

It was the same. His abilities carried over between saves!

Speaking of saves...

"Save Game," he whispered.

A screen popped-up, alerting him that the game was saving.

When Twilight walked in, she was a little bit surprised to see Spike cackling at a wall.

~|~|~|~

Spike abused this feature to the best of his ability. Not only was his stats steadily rising, he learned how to utilize mana to a small extent. After manipulating his fire through some kind of low level telekinesis, a skill thingie popped up. By forcing his inner energy out his fingertip, a small mana bullet would blast out. If he kept it up, it turned into more of a laser.

In comparison to the last time, the fight was easy.

All Spike had to do was stand back and watch as his mana bullets slashed through the things fur.

The creature lay dead.

A shimmer of green flashed through the red.

Spike ripped off the skin, bit by bit.

A hint of a body shape began to appear. He could almost make out their facial expression.

Blood. Blood everywhere.

Spike wanted to throw up. Inside the body of the werewolf, an earth pony laid. Still and grey, it's face was contorted into an expression of fear.

But the sad thing was that he didn't want to throw up because of the dead pony in front of him.

No. He was throwing up because he didn't care.

In the back of his mind, he had known. It's a werewolf! How could he have not known!?

And then he stopped caring.

His previously tear stained face returned to its apathetic state. Rather than fear, hate, or disgust, all he could feel was curiosity.

How did that thing move like that?

The pony was an earth pony. There was no way it could've used its magic.

Or could it?

Carefully, Spike placed the body into his inventory. With any luck, he'd be able to figure out how that creature did what it did.

~|~|~|~

"ID create!"

Spike grinned. With the ability to consistently fight monsters, he would be able to level up faster than ever.

So what would this 'ID' look like? As the white faded from his vision, he made out the limbering form of a-

"-Zombie!"

The zombified pony took a swipe at Spike. As the creature closed in for another attack, Spike readied his finger. Before the zombie even knew what was happening, fifty mana bullets had slashed through his body in ten seconds flat.

Pshew!

The only thing remaining of the zombie was a bit of the arm, and it was rapidly disappearing into ash. Spike moved forward to take a better look at the corpse. To his surprise, roughly fifty bits were sitting in the corpses remains. He slipped the bits into his inventory.

"ID escape!"

He slipped back into reality. As his vision cleared, he could've sworn he'd seen a bit of pink escape the edge of his room.

But he definitely didn't miss the pink blurs title.

Pinkie Pie
LV 1
Seer of Truth
Eldritch Being

Spike dashed downstairs as quickly as possible. He had to perceive her if it was the last thing he did.

You have entered an I.D!

Flicking aside the message, he opened the library door. What greeted him was one of the strangest things he had ever seen.

Pinkie Pie standing on top of a building chanting some strange language he had never heard before, as an army of party cannons floating in midair built up behind her.

And Starlight Glimmer in midair, building up a very, very powerful beam attack.

Starlight Glimmer
LV 231
The Great Equalizer

Spike had many questions.

"Do you truly believe your pesky gypsy magic will be enough to defeat me?" said Starlight. She pointed to her glowing horn with a look of condescension on her face.

"Silly billy!" said Pinkie, smirking. "I don't have to beat you!"

Starlight raised her eyebrow.

"I've already won!" she said, pointing a finger at Spike.

Pointing a finger at Spike.

"What's happening?" He said hesitantly.

"This gypsy-" Starlight pointed at Pinkie, "-is a dirty liar who'll break your heart!"

"Excuse me!?"

Pinkie was practically fuming, fire coming off of her mane.

"Which one of us walks out on him because, and I quote, 'I want to do it with you all the time, and it's not healthy,'?"

A small apartment fire exploded across Starlight's face.

"You dirty horse!" she screamed.

It was epic. Spike had never seen such an awesome fight in ever. There were explosions, mana arrows. He could've sworn he saw the hand of God descend and slap the two of them. Teleportation, element summons, and literally any other attack you can think of. There were even some times when they used not two, not three, not even four, but eight spells at once.

As they both were nearing their limit and panting, Pinkie screamed, "That's it! I'm taking us back to the future!"

A white flash blinded him before he could say a word. As it faded, Spike made out the message telling him he had escaped the instant dungeon.

Wut.

"Hello?"

Spike turned around to see Starlight Glimmer.

His eyes widened as they wandered to her level.

Thirty one.

"Spike? Do you remember me?" she said.

He nodded slowly, still somewhat in shock.

"Do you know what's happened?" asked Spike.

"We've died and been sent back in time," she said.

"Tea?"

"Oh I would love some, thank you,"

~|~|~|~

"Why are you doing this?" she said.

Spike had just finished telling her what had happened, when she posed this question.

"Doing what?" he asked slowly.

"Leveling up, gaining skills," she said.

"Well-"

She stopped him, looking him in the eyes as she spoke.

"Spike, you've already done something that most ponies would rather die than do. You've killed another being,"

He began to speak, but shut his mouth. Repeatedly he attempted to form an answer. Starlight watched him patiently.

"This sounds dumb saying it aloud, but I-" he stopped.

Looking her in the eyes, he spoke.

"I've always looked up to you and the girls, cause you're so brave and strong," he said.

He spoke slowly, choosing his next words carefully.

"I want to be like you," he said.

Starlight nodded, a serene smile covering her face.

~|~|~|~

"Spike, I'm home! You wouldn't believe what happened, there was a dragon-"

Twilight burst into the library, fully expecting her assistant to be napping or something.

She was not expecting him to be laughing over tea with some random pink unicorn.

"Hey Twi!" he said cheerfully.

Twilight felt a wave of jealousy come over her. Her assistant was happy. Very happy.

"Hi Spike! Who's your new friend?" she said in a clipped voice.

"This is Starlight Glimmer!" he said.

Twilight caught the faintest blush.

'That little she-devil,' she thought. Twilight had seen her type before. This 'Starlight was out to break her assistants heart. She wouldn't have any of that! No sir-

"A pleasure to meet you!" said Starlight in a sultry voice. It was totally sultry. She was a seductress, no buts about it!

"Nice to meet you too!" Twilight replied with absolutely no hostility whatsoever.

Spike got off his seat and opened the door, stepping through.

"I'm gonna go do volunteer work, Twi!" he said.

As soon as he walked out the door, Twilight was onto Starlight.

"So Starlight," Twilight began, circling Starlight like a shark.

"Yes?" she responded.

"How long will you be staying here?"

"Oh, I'm moving! Speaking of which, do you have a guest room?"

Author's Note

What am I doing with my life

Chapter 4: oh hai, it's the actual canon

Chapter 4

Luck. Luck. Luck.

The word had etched itself into Spikes mind. In a vain attempt to be like Twilight, he had been pumping his spare points into wisdom and intelligence. Perhaps he could finally see the truth thanks to said stats.

Dodging to the side of his enemies attack, he fired another mana bullet.

He had begun to realize that luck was by far the most powerful stat he could dump points into. No amount of wisdom or strength could overturn a truly unlucky situation.

One last bullet finished off the manticore.

STR-23
VIT-19
DEX-16
INT-50
WIS-44
LUC-13
POINTS-170

STR-23
VIT-19
DEX-16
INT-50
WIS-44
LUC-183
POINTS-0

LUC over 100!

Steel Plot Armor
LV MAX
You thought you had MC syndrome before? You'll be wishing you did...

'That's ominous,' he thought.

Looking around the forest, he slowly began to wonder where on earth the conflict was. This was supposed to be an adventure story, correct?

Sighing, he flipped on his body enhancement skills and got ready for another round of grinding.

Alert! Danger detected!

Spike whipped his head around.

Carefully, he scanned through the foliage.

Nothing, save for the tree and changeling.

As soon as Spike made eye-contact, it made its move. The changeling rushed forward clumsily. Its fist drew back, ready to knock Spike out. Spike rolled his eyes and stepped to the side.

The changeling fell into the ground painfully. Spike winced. He was pretty sure he heard a couple cracks.

Walking over to the changeling, Spike picked it up by the leg.

~|~|~|~

Spike had learned quite a bit from the unfortunate changeling. But the gist of it was that they had spotted Spike using his abilities one too many times, and they wanted him abducted and studied. He had found out where their hive is after a bit of prodding.

"So what are you going to do about it?" Starlight asked.

He had just finished explaining what he had learned to her when she posed the question.

"I dunno," he said, shrugging.

She raised her eyebrow, before beginning with what would have been a two hour long rant-

When they spotted Twilight.

"You're kidding me," said Spike, eyes widened in disbelief.

Starlight nodded at him, expression mirrored.

Outside the treehouse and behind a bush, a camouflaged Twilight was spying on them. She was dressed in a skintight black and green suit. The skin under her eyes had a bit of black dye on them. On top of all that, an army helmet with the words 'Made in China' emblazoned on the front.

She was levitating a pencil and paper. Meanwhile, her eyes were glued to a pair of binoculars. Said binoculars were very clearly pointed at the two of them.

The binoculars slid down her face as she adopted an embarrassed smile, her constipated face vanishing in a heartbeat. Whether she was embarrassed cause she was spying or because she was caught, Spike didn't know.

'This never happened,' she mouthed to Starlight as she slithered away to parts unknown.

How could they see what she mouthed, you ask?

Well, it probably had something to do with the bush being less then five feet from the window.

"That mare needs help," Starlight muttered.

"Hey, that's my sister/mother/aunt/role-model you're talking about," Spike muttered back.

"She still needs help," she responded.

Crickets.

Spike stayed silent. Starlight picked up her book. A distant thunderstorm could be heard in the distance.

"Starlight, do you want to go back to- well, ya know ?" he asked.

She dropped her book. Sighing, she leaned back into her chair. Spike grabbed a nearby duster and started to work on a nearby bookshelf.

"I don't know-"

Crash!

"Uh, do be a polite house guest and go wash up please, won't you?"

Spike turned around to be greeted by the sight of Rarity, Applejack and Twilight. Applejack had just wandered out the door, presumably to wash up.

Spike continued working, while Starlight continued reading. Ignorance is bliss, after all.

"You can stay here if need be. We'll have a slumber party!" said Twilight.

Spike and Starlight snapped back to attention. Nodding to each other, they both tensed up, ready to jump out the window.

"Oh, and Spike and Starlight can join us!"

Crap.

"Ah don't believe ah've had the pleasure ta make your acquaintance?" Applejack started.

Starlight stepped forward, grasping Applejacks hoof.

"I'm Starlight Glimmer. I'm currently renting out a room here at the library," she said.

"Oh, and I'm Spike! Y'know, in case you forgot. . ." he said, finishing slowly as he saw the raised eyebrows.

As Twilight waved around her Slumber 101, Spike whispered to Starlight.

"What are we going to do!?" he whispered loudly.

Starlight grimaced.

"Survive," she replied, her face hard as stone. Of course, that had something to do with the mud hardening on her face.

In that moment, Spike had never admired anyone quite as much he did then.

"It says here we have to tell scary stories!"

Twilight magically turned down the lights and gestured for Starlight to step forward.

"Has anyone of you ever heard of Cthulu?"

~|~|~|~

"Seriously girls?" said Spike.

Spike was currently covered in a messy blanket of pony. Twilight, Applejack, and Rarity had been reduced to tears over the simultaneously horrifying and mildly depressing story. It had all climaxed to the female lead being slaughtered inadvertently by the main character, who had been trying to save her.

Twilight coughed and got off him, followed by the other two.

"Now we have to do s'mores!" she said shakily.

As Spike and Starlight ate the s'mores, Twilight motioned to Rarity and Applejack. Huddling, they formulated a plan. Revenge would be theirs.

"Truth or dare next!" Rarity yelled.

As they sat around in a circle, Twilight gave the signal. Applejack ran off, a focused expression on her face.

"Starlight, truth or dare!" Twilight yelled.

"Truth," Starlight responded.

"Do you likeee Spike?" Twilight asked, drawling out the e.

"Uh, yes?" Starlight responded, eyes half closed and staring at Twilight in confusion.

'We've almost got her!' Twilight mouthed.

"Spike, Truth or dare?" asked Rarity.

"Uh, dare?" he responded succinctly.

"Be a dear and hug Starlight for me," she said.

Spike nodded slowly, doing as she asked. Wrapping his arms around her neck, he raised his eyebrow. Starlight spoke, a confused tone entering her voice.

"If this is supposed to be embarrassing-" she began.

"Now, Applejack!" Twilight yelled.

Before Spike or Starlight saw what was even happening, a small dress had been tossed onto Spike, while a suit onto Starlight.

Snap!

A blinding light came over them, but quickly disappeared. In its place, a grinning Twilight levitating a camera.

"They were right were ya said they was, Twilight," said Applejack, grinning.

A small apartment fire broke out across Spikes face. Starlight stayed stony-faced. However, it was clear she was very pissed, if the small army of pillows behind her had anything to say about it.

Twilight wasted no time. Leaping behind her bed, she screamed out two words that would forever be engraved in Spikes mind. These two words would forever define who he was. When he looked back on that day, they would be the only thing he could clearly remember. The whole world shuddered-

"Pillow fight!" she screamed.

It was a fight for the ages. You though Pinkie V. Starlight was awesome? You ain't even heard of the Pillow Fight of Harmony. Legends say that Celestia herself had been watching- and betting- along with the rest of Ponyville. Few can remember the details clearly. What was remembered was the massive amount of collateral damage. Windows had to be replaced. Books had to be restored. The universes karmic balance had to be readjusted.

Oh, and there was a tree or something, but that wasn't important.

~|~|~|~
Of course, Spike did have a plan for the changelings. However, it was such a terrible, horrific, altogether bad idea, Starlight would've smacked him up the jaw.

At exactly one o'clock morning, a purple dragon boarded a train for the badlands. After about an hour, he was dropped off close to the badlands. Step by step, he trudged forward, changeling prisoner in tow.

"Chrysalis, I've come to bargain!"

Author's Note

So it turns out I write best when I consume unfiltered crack.

Just put me in front of the fimfic front page and I'll be able to pump this crap out non-stop