Name Rater's Hearth's Warming

by Thought Prism

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character, Comedy, Stygian, Slice of Life
Length: 4329

Name Rater catches up with some old friends on Hearth's Warming night when they drop by without warning. Not that he particularly wanted to.

Name Rater used to be an old hermit living in the middle of nowhere, busy being totally miserable. Then the CMC happened, and he wound up as a handsome prince leading a reasonably happy life in Ponyville. Obviously, there were multiple intervening steps. Still, in the shenanigans capital of Equestria, he found that many days were far too hectic for his liking, regardless of anything he could do about it. Naturally, he's gotten plenty of practice expecting the unexpected, even in the most sacred of seasons. But Aurora, Bori, and Alice showing up? Only they could have predicted that.

Published 2019-01-08 17:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-01-08 17:10:01 UTC

The Holiday Special

It was a cold winter night, soon after the solstice. A special time of year. Ponies were visiting with their loved ones, sharing in festive merriment. Multicolored lights were strung up on all the homes, a representation of the joy to be had within. The ground was covered in soft, fluffy snow. But Name Rater, well... he didn't really care. The parties were a hassle, the lights made it hard to sleep, and the snow stuck to his coat when he went out. So, he sat in his living room, nursing a cup of tea with a neutral expression. Too many calories in cocoa or cider.

As he started idly out the window, blanket draped over his back, he knew other ponies thought him crazy. Name Rater thought it was crazy to celebrate the anniversary of not being frozen to death by monsters and no longer being racists. When he was young, Hearth's Warming had been nice, sure, but centuries alone had irreversibly shaped his opinions of this sort of thing. They could call him a Snowfall Frost, and he would accept it without complaint. If he wanted to spend time with friends, what was stopping him from just doing so whenever?

And so he sat, savoring a quiet moment of peace. Still... would have been nice if one of his friends had offered to spend the evening with him. Even Scootaloo was with her family, and Name Rater hadn't even known she had one beforehoof.

Then he spied three shapes high in the air, flying in from the direction of Twilight's castle. It was dark enough that he may not have even noticed, had the figures not also been glowing. "Wait, glowing?" he mused. "No, it couldn't be."

Shrugging off the blanket and setting his mug on the coffee table, Name Rater stepped outside, pulled by his curiosity. He took to the air, wings flapping madly. He was still terrible at flying, but at least he could do it now. While some pegasi, or alicorns, in his case, soared with the grace of a dove or the speed and precision of an eagle, Name Rater was more like a pelican. A lopsided pelican carrying like eight fish in its mouth. Still, he made it work, and approached the flyers head-on.

Once he got close enough to make out their features, his eyes widened. It was them. The trio skipped through the air, angling towards him as they trailed multicolored sparkles. "Aurora! Bori! Alice!" Name Rater exclaimed. "What are you doing here? I haven't seen you in so long: I thought you were dead!"

He and the reindeer all came to a stop once they were close enough to hold a proper conversation, hovering, or prancing, in place. "Haha, nope," Aurora confirmed, her wizened face wrinkling as she smiled. "We're still kicking!"

"To answer your question, we actually came to Ponyville to provide some thematic ending narration," Bori explained.

"Though I totally knew we'd be stopping by your place afterwards to catch up if we did," Alice added.

Bori turned to Alice in realization. "Is that why you asked me to let you take over present exposition duty this time?"

At this, Alice giggled and stuck out her tongue playfully.

"Wait, wait, wait," Name Rater interjected, more than a little confused. "I'm sorry, but what exactly is 'ending narration'?"

"Oh, it doesn't matter, Name Rater," Bori insisted, waving away the question. "They aren't watching anymore."

Name Rater's brow furrowed. This response produced even more questions, but he elected to drop the matter. It was probably some sort of irrelevant pink-related nonsense. Mares, or does, of that color tended to be problematic, he'd learned.

"Forget that, what happened to you?" Alice asked, staring at his body. "You used to be way more crotchety."

Name Rater snorted, and was about to reply, but Aurora beat him to it. "Princess Twilight de-aged him; an exceptional gift. I'd go hit her up for a spell myself, but then our whole past-present-future aesthetic would be ruined. Hehehe!"

"Ah, okay, cool! Yeah, makes sense." Alice nodded, the bell around her neck jingling as she did. Then, she turned back to Name Rater. "So, you're going to invite us in now."

At first, Name Rater wondered why she hadn't phrased that as a question, but then he remembered she could see some of what he was going to in advance. Seers tended to gloss over free will a bit. He sighed. His powers were way less annoying in practice: they only worked once per creature. "Right, sure, come on down," he confirmed. "This cold is starting to get to me anyway."

Without further ceremony, Name Rater turned and descended back to the be-decked town streets as the reindeer, his three old pals, followed behind him.

"How've you been?" Bori asked. "A lot has happened since we last laid eyes on eachother, Name Rater. You even moved here, of all places!"

He glanced over his shoulder at her, confirming that, no, she didn't seem to be joking. Amazing. "That's an understatement." Really, it was twofold, because of both the time elapsed and the events which occurred. Still, she could have just asked Aurora, and was going out of her way to be polite. "I'm still naming ponies, but other than that? Even in the short while since my coronation, horsefeathers have been flying all over the place."

After pausing to correct his glide path, Name Rater continued. "First, Princess Twilight, in her infinite wisdom, decides to take on this former dictator as an apprentice. And somehow, that didn't backfire horribly. Instead, she helped turn the changelings good, and is literally a guidance councilor at Twilight's friendship school. Which is also a thing that exists. On top of that, I find out that my buddy Star Swirl was actually in bucking limbo this whole time, and is now back and running around on a whirlwind tour of Equestria."

"Well, when you put it like that, yes, it does sound a bit much," Alice quipped. "Especially if it comes as a surprise."

"No duh," Name Rater confirmed. "You wanna know the worst thing, though? Cadance had an impossible magic god baby and didn't consult me when naming her. I know I asked everypony to try and start naming their own infants, but royalty should be the exception given their importance. The foal's name was supposed to be Skyla, but Cadance thought 'Flurry Heart' was better. As if that won't lead to any problems down the line. There's a reason Starlight ended up as Starlight and not Soul Destroyer. I mean, seriously."

His trademark angry tirade over, Bori and company were rendered speechless as they processed it all. Nothing was said until the four of them landed in front of Name Rater's modest cottage. He pushed open the door and stepped aside to let the deer pass. "Well, come on in, I guess."

Alice didn't hesitate to canter inside. "Thanks!"

Aurora and Bori expressed similar statements of gratitude before doing the same, Name Rater shuffling in after. He turned to study their reactions as they took in his place. The living room/foyer wasn't anything special, just the typical arrangement of sofa and chairs around the table where he'd left his tea earlier. There was no undersized evergreen tree or hoofmade dolls, only a lamp, a bookshelf, the staircase to the second floor, and doors to the kitchen and office.

Aurora made a show of examining the room with a critical eye. "Boy, what a hopping party," she noted, with blatant sarcasm. "Lots of Hearth's Warming spirit, yes-sir-ee. Truly a celebration befitting the season."

"Yep. He totally wouldn't have spent the best night of the whole year staring at nothing had we not shown up. No, definitely not," added Alice with a smirk.

"Oh, ha ha," said Name Rater, rolling his eyes. "I suddenly recall why you lot were run out of town. Twice."

Alice cringed. "Low blow, dude. Low blow."

"You have no one to blame but yourself," Bori said. She huffed, joining Name Rater in glaring at Aurora and Alice. "All these years and I still can't wrangle your obnoxious streaks."

Name Rater blinked at that. "I didn't even realize you'd been trying to. Can't you just tell them to, like, not be completely insufferable?"

"It's not that simple," Bori said with a shake of her head. Her bell earrings clattered melodically.

"The playful snark, lack of tact, and constant cheer are all tools we've developed to keep our minds off of other things," Aurora clarified. "Masks, if you will."

Alice beamed at Name Rater. She appeared very, very chipper. Forcefully so. "Yep! I'm constantly a hair's breadth away from a complete mental breakdown!" she declared. "In countless future timelines, the only gift ponies will give eachother is the sweet release of death, so that they may escape the untold horrors of endless wars! The possibilities dance in the corner of my mind constantly, just waiting for their chance to become reality and doom countless lives to abject misery!"

"For me, it's the atrocities already committed," Aurora nonchalantly added. "But yes, that also sums up my life nicely."

Name Rater stared at them both, jaw dropped, eyes bouncing back and forth. Did he really want to address that? Did he even need to ask himself? Of course he wasn't going to, that way lies major headaches. Slowly, he pulled his jaw shut, shaking his head in an attempt to purge that information.

Suddenly, Aurora walked over to Name Rater, placing a cloven hoof firmly on his shoulder. Or, she got close to his shoulder; he was pretty tall now. "Never mind us, what's really important is why you aren't out there celebrating, Name Rater. As I was saying."

"That I can agree with," said Bori, a frown on her muzzle. "I'm not seeing any gifts here for you, Name Rater."

Name Rater nodded an affirmative, glad for the fresh topic. "That's because I asked the townsponies not to bother getting me anything."

This prompted a trio of gasps, hooves reaching for mouths in shock. "No gifts!?" Bori asked in utter disbelief.

"How could you not want any of your friends to get you anything!?" added Alice.

Aurora shivered, peering into his soul. "That way lies madness."

Name Rater just shrugged, amused by their overreactions. "Eh. It's kind of a hassle, honestly. This way, I don't have to waste time getting a bunch of return presents. We can all just spend our money on ourselves and cut out the middle mare."

"It's not about the money!" Alice insisted. "It's about watching somepony's eyes light up with joy as they discover what they didn't know they wanted!"

"Well, if they don't even know, how am I supposed to?" Name Rater rebuked. "Ponies have changed a lot over the past dozen centuries; nopony likes the same stuff. New horseshoes or a hay bale for some reason don't cut it anymore. And apparently you also have to wrap everything now?"

Bori slowly turned away, her lips tightening. "Ok... maybe it's for the best you aren't trying."

Aurora shut her eyes for a second before facing Bori and Alice. "Hmm, yep. Last year's Hearth's Warming didn't go so well for our old pal here."

At this, Alice smirked. "Even I could have figured out that much."

Then, they broke out into a fit of giggles, leaving Name Rater standing there with a deadpan expression. They really didn't need to pour salt in the wound right after they'd torn it back open. Should have just left them be and kept to himself, he decided.

"Ok, what's with all the noise? I'm trying to work!"

Aurora, Bori, and Alice's shared laughter died down as they turned to face this sudden, new voice. Coming down the stairs was a unicorn colt, nearly a stallion, who looked just as annoyed in that moment as Name Rater. His blue mane had been ruffled in frustration, and he frowned at the conspicuous reindeer.

"Ah, sorry, Stygian," said Name Rater. "Forgot you were writing up there." Name Rater waving him over, then turned to Aurora, Bori, and Alice, who each expressed varying degrees of confusion. Name Rater cleared his throat. "Ladies, this is Stygian, a friend of a friend who's been staying here for a little while. Stygian, meet Aurora, Bori, and Alice, the... what do you call yourselves now?"

"The Gift Givers of the Grove," they answered in practiced unison.

"Okay," continued Name Rater. "They used to have a fortune-telling establishment in Everfree, when the city existed. They helped me get used to being an in-demand seer," he explained.

"Really?" Stygian asked. After switching over to meeting their eyes in study, rather than consternation, his face lit up. "Oh, I remember now! You were the reindeer that triggered the giant Pitchfork Stampede of '43 after exposing all those adultery cases among the nobility!"

Aurora, Bori, and Alice all flinched at this, groaning in dismay. "Ugh, of course he knows about that..." Bori muttered.

"I knew he worked under Star Swirl for a while, but I was hoping he hadn't heard of us," said Aurora.

"Hey, just because he gets lost in his own head all the time doesn't mean I do," noted Stygian.

"True," confirmed Name Rater.

There was an awkward silence as Aurora, Bori, and Alice recomposed themselves. Stygian started fidgeting a bit, unsure what to say and shooting glances at the three does. Name Rater sighed before walking over to his favorite chair and plopping down in it, grabbing his previously abandoned mug in one hoof and beckoning them to join him in sitting with the other. Best speed this up, he figured. Lest this whole visit cut into his precious sleep schedule.

Stygian took the seat next to him, the reindeer sharing the couch. Name Rater cleared his throat, eyeing them with only a smidge of unmasked indifference. "Anyway, before you ask, Stygian didn't want to join the festivities either. He's got a deadline coming up, and not all that much time to finish his work. I know the feeling."

Stygian nodded, grinning knowingly in the face of adversity. "I decided to hang up my adventurer's saddlebags and become a writer of fiction. After coming back from Limbo, I stayed in Canterlot Palace for a while. It was too hectic for me, though, and Celestia pointed me to Name Rater, who had a spare room and also grew up around the same time I did."

Name Rater, too, smiled, recalling the day they met. "Turned out this kid and I have a lot in common. An appreciation for peace and quiet, a love of shawls, lots of old emotional baggage..."

"Hey!" Stygian protested. "Don't tell them that!"

Aurora rolled her eyes. "We already know. Oracles of gifting, remember? And you sure gave those ponies a hell of a scare."

"And why not? Are you embarrassed? Don't be," Alice reassured him, beaming. "We've all got skeletons in our closets, and your work is very good."

Stygian blinked, blushing. He clearly wasn't that comfortable interacting with his fans yet. "You've read my stories?"

"Well, I will," Alice said, leading forward in her seat.

As Stygian's eyes fell to the floor, his blush intensifying, Bori giggled. "Oh? Am I sensing the start of something special? A Hearth's Warming miracle?"

"W-What?" Stygian stuttered, snapping back up.

Name Rater snorted, reaching over to clap him on the withers. "Son, don't let them get to you. No matter what they say, or how cute she looks, Alice is not marefriend material. Her own race punted her across the ocean for being nuts."

"Hey! Not cool," said Alice with a pout. "I haven't seen any action in forever, and I almost had him!"

"That you did," admitted Name Rater. "But Stygian is a good friend of mine, and I know better then to let him subject himself to you."

Alice gasped, shying away as if struck. Aurora rushed to her defense. "Yeah, well, how's that relationship with Applejack working out for ya?" she asked, eyebrow raised. "Or Roma? Right, nevermind, she dumped you too. Your idea of a Hearts and Hooves day was—"

"Enough, enough!" Name Rater interrupted. "Point taken, I'm a terrible romantic." Now he was scowling.

Aurora nodded once, satisfied. Stygian sighed, and Alice giggled.

"So, you all know what I've been up to," stated Name Rater, looking Bori's way. "But what does being a 'Gift Giver of the Grove' entail?"

Bori scratched at her cheek with a hoof. "Well, after leaving Everfree, we decided it would be best if our operation moved someplace far away, where only those who truly needed our gifting expertise would seek us out. So, we adopted a Hearth's Warming theme and relocated to the uppermost reaches of the Frozen North."

"Makes sense to me, but I would never have pegged you for the type to do well in isolation," Name Rater said.

"We really aren't," said Alice. "But the alternatives are worse."

"Well, at least you have eachother," added Name Rater, leaning in his seat. "That's far better than nothing."

Here, Stygian hummed in agreement. "Yeah. Still, how do you drum up business so far removed from society?" he asked.

"Oh, we make regular trips to and from Vanhoover for supplies," said Bori. "Can't give anything you don't have!"

"I don't know where that is, but okay," said Stygian, accepting the explanation with a small smile. He glanced at the coffee table before spinning to address Name Rater. "I also just noticed you haven't offered these mares any tea after their long trip."

"This is true. Way to be a gentlestallion, Name Rater," Aurora quipped.

"Tea would be nice," added Bori, grinning mischievously. Even she was hopping on the 'make fun of him' bandwagon now.

Name Rater groaned, wordlessly rising and going over to the kitchen as Stygian continued the conversation. It had taken him a while to get used to all the modern conveniences, but he now knew the place like the back of his hoof. Stygian sure as hell never cooked. Name Rater plodded over to the unlit stove, where his teapot still rested. After checking the temperature of the ceramic - with the back of his hoof, it was useful for things besides simile - he grabbed the handle and placed it on a nearby tray along with some more mugs from the cupboard. Then the whole thing went onto his back, and he carefully made his way back.

Bori had been in the middle of saying something to Stygian, but stopped when Stygian turned to face the noise of hooves on hardwood. Stygian's brow rose. His slightly judgmental look seemed to say 'that would be much easier with magic'.

But Name Rater proved him wrong, deftly sliding the tray onto the table and pouring four more cups of tea with an acrobatic flourish, flicking each one into the air before filling it. Aurora clapped in applause, and Name Rater bowed, smiling and not cramped in the least. "Thank you, thank you," he said. "I'll be here all week. And probably the rest of next year. And the year after that."

"I know," said Alice, taking a gulp of her freshly accepted beverage. "You don't get out much. Also, you made the right call on passing up magic lessons. Twilight would have been very upset if she lost another house to a fiery explosion."

Stygian blinked. "Uh, the princess' castle isn't flammable."

"Not to me it ain't. Er, probably. I have no sane reason to check," Name Rater declared, reclining back into his seat.

Stygian scooched his a few inches over, wary.

Bori cleared her throat. "Where was I? Oh, yes, shop talk. The key to being a good oracle is retaining an aura of mysticism, while also projecting confidence. Most ponies don't put much faith in predictions, but those that do appreciate the showmareship."

Stygian nodded in understanding, welcoming the distraction. "Yeah, that makes sense. It's the same reason why Star Swirl kept his beard; old wizards are expected to have them."

"Exactamundo!" Alice exclaimed.

Name Rater zoned out a smidge as he resumed sipping at his own tea, allowing Stygian to take command of the conversation. It was a nice herbal blend he'd tried for the first time recently, hibiscus. The cute mare at the tea shop had absolutely nothing to do with his experimentation. Nope, nothing at all.

Ok, maybe a little, he admitted to himself. With the return of his youth came a return of... other things. And he was horribly out of practice, as Aurora had made abundantly clear earlier. Still, at least he wasn't as bad as Stygian. Name Rater grinned, chucking to himself. Poor boy wore his heart on his sleeve. Wait, wasn't there a mare named Heart Sleeve in town? Ok, yep, he was definitely getting a bit tired, the way his mind was wandering. He forced himself to pay attention.

"— actually not that hard once you establish goals and personalities for all the characters," Stygian said, smiling. "The rest of the story builds naturally from there."

Aurora rolled her eyes. "If writing a book was that easy, everyone could do it."

"I mean, anypony with an idea and a grasp of language can write," Stygian said. "Like anything, it just takes practice to get good at it. Having a decent editor helps too. Right, Name Rater?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah," he confirmed. "Another set of eyes can find inconsistencies or whatnot that got missed."

Stygian tilted his head at him. "This guy's been a great help. Name Rater doesn't hold back to spare my feelings. Lots of ponies are just too kind for real editing."

"Well, obviously," said Aurora. "But are his suggestions for improvement any good?"

"Actually, yes." Stygian smirked a little. "I wouldn't have guessed he'd be well-read either, but life is full of surprises."

"Not for me~" Alice teased, wiggling her eyebrows. Stygian failed to contain an amused snort.

Name Rater didn't take offense at the lighthearted jab to his presumed level of cultural intelligence. Still, the topic did remind him of something else that had slipped his mind earlier, something he'd been meaning to voice for a while before he got distracted. He pondered what it might have been for a few seconds. What was it? Surprises, inconsistencies... and then it came back to him in a flash, reformed.

The question that'd been nagging at Name Rater all evening burst out, an auditory gut-punch aimed at Bori and company. "Ok, seriously, how are you three still alive? Old Susan doesn't exactly hand out immortality on a silver platter. I checked." He made sure to apply the proper amount of sternness to his stare, so they knew he wouldn't stand for a change in topic this time.

Aurora, Bori, and Alice's smiles slowly faded, replaced with pursed lips. Bori couldn't meet his eyes. Aurora turned to Alice. "Should we tell them?" she whispered.

Alice closed her eyes for a second, then hummed. "I'm not sure. Could go either way. But honestly, I just want to finally get it off my chest."

Name Rater blinked, unsure what to make of their reluctance. Stygian, meanwhile, seemed concerned.

The silence grew longer, and Name Rater begun to grow annoyed. But then, ever so carefully, Bori answered him. "So, the thing is, we kind of... aren't."

"Come again?" he asked.

Aurora took a deep breath before elaborating. "We're liches now."

Stygian's jaw dropped, his eyes frozen wide with shock. "B-wha?"

Name Rater witnessed his reaction, and assumed he was also supposed to be flabbergasted, but... "I have no idea what that is," he deadpanned.

"It's the bells," Alice said, poking at hers for emphasis. "They're magic. Dark magic. And used to belong to a necromancer named Grogar, before we stole them. Yes, I know how that sounds, but really, they're very useful! We never get cold anymore."

"The technical term for their function would be 'phylactery'," Bori added, reluctantly. "As well as being festive, the bells keep us in a state of perpetual undeath."

Ah. Well then. Name Rater saw the problem now. "Nope. Not dealing with this."

He stood, walked over to the front door, and bucked it open. "I've gotten pretty good at ignoring bull lately, but zombies are where I draw the line. Out." While he pointed in the open air, his unamused glower was firmly fixed on the three one-time deer.

Alice's face fell. "Aw, really? That's how you..." her words trailed off. "I was having fun, though."

"So, what about him?" Aurora questioned, jerking a hoof at Stygian, who was still paralyzed. "He used a bunch of dark magic, and he's welcome."

"Well, he stopped using it," Name Rater pointed out, unwavering.

"But it's too late for us," said Bori. "If we broke the bells now, we'd die."

Name Rater shrugged. Wasn't his problem they decided to prolong their existences by eldritch means. "Then I guess the next time I see you it'll be in boxes. I'm not taking any chances. Out."

Heads bowed low and whimpering like fuzzy kicked puppies, despite actually being fuzzy abominations, Aurora, Bori, and Alice rose from the sofa and marched one after another back outside without further argument, vanishing into the night. Name Rater watched them go with an odd mixture of relief and regret. Regret for... well, not close friends, per say. Acquaintances really, but still more old faces lost, found, and then lost again.

Nodding firmly, now free to resume his evening in peace and sanity, Name Rater packed the tea set away and trudged upstairs to prepare for bed. Some holiday this turned out to be.

After that, naught but the echoing sounds of jingling could be heard in the living room. Until even they faded. Only then did Stygian move, clutching at his temples and wearing a thousand-yard stare. "Oh, Scorpan, I almost thought... with Alice..."