I won’t name this cos Applejack will shoot me
It was an ordinary afternoon in the Ponyville Marketplace. Hundreds of ponies collecting groceries and other essential items. Applejack was selling apples (cos of course she is i mean she’s called applejack she’s not selling apricots) and was organising them ready for the customers. Rarity happened to pass by.
“Oh hello Applejack darling!”
“Hiya Rarity. What you up to?”
“Well so far I’ve been to The Antique Shop, then I went to Asparagus Stand, The Bag Emporium, Bookstore, I stopped by the Bowling Alley, The Cage smith as Opalescence was ripping up my dress’s, drank some tea at the Café, checked to see how the Changeling Arts and Crafts Station was doing, went to the Crystal Cave, went to the Day Spa-“
“I ASKED WHAT YOU WERE DOIN’! I DIDNT ASK FOR YA LIFE STORY?!?!!” Applejack snapped back.
“Right. Sorry. I’ll be in the around here. Bye!”
Granny Smith walked over to Applejack. “How are the sales goin’?
“Good. Also, did you know there’s a type of apple that you were named after?”
“Really?”
“Yeah! There’s Granny Smith, a Big Mac, Golden Delicious, Braeburn (appleloooooosa) just to name a few.”
“Okey dokey. Yu seen Apple Bloom anywhere?”
“No-“ Applejack began.
“Hi sis’!” Apple Bloom pounced onto Applejack.
“Hey! Get off me!”
“Sorry.” She slowly moved off of Applejack.
“Hey Apple Bloom, wanna see something?”
“Okay.”
“So you did you know that Granny Smith, Big Mac, Golden Delicious and Braeburn are actually named after types of apples?”
“What? Really? Wow, that’s really cool! What about me?”
Applejack went to check the apple names, and she saw a bunch of ones. Gala apples, honey crisp, Fuji. The usual.
...
“Uhh, hold on. I’ll find it.”
Applejack kept looking through the many apples that were there. Red delicious, ambrosia, cameo.
“Hold on. Give me a minute. Ah’ll find yours.”
Sweety, SugarBee, Smitten. Other apples that Applejack hadn’t been even heard of.
Applebloom looked confused as to what was taken so long.
“That’s it. I’m opening the portal to the apples that I left in a hole in the space-time continuum. I. Will. Find it.”
Applejack jumped through the portal and spent a solid five minutes there. Nothing came from the other side. Until...
”WHAT THE @#$& IS AN APPLEBLOOM?!!?!?
She bolted out of the portal and into the forest.
Zecora was just sitting in her house, making ~~drugs~~ plant soup. Until, she heard hooves clopping outside.
“Uh oh. It’s the popo!”
Applejack hit the door down so hard, it flew at terminal velocity through Zecora’s home, destroying her ~~drug equipment~~ cooking utensils and breaking through her wall to her cupboards outside filled with... fairy dust... :)
“ZECORA! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT AN APPLEBLOOM IS!”
“Oh. Uhh, hi Applejack. How are you?”
“THERE’S NO TIME FOR FORMALITY” She slapped Zecora across the face. “I NEED TO KNOW WHAT AN APPLEBLOOM IS!”
“First off: Oowwwww. Second: Isn't it just, an apple flower thing, blooming?”
“Are you crazy? No-one in my family is that un-imaginative. Everyone else is named after an apple.”
“Well. I guess I can’t help you then.”
Applejack turned to leave. But then she had a terrible thought come to mind.
“Wait a minute. If everyone in my family is named after something, that must be true for everyone else in Equestria.”
“That’s very flawed reasoni-“
“So tell me, Zecora. What are you named after?”
“Um, well I-“
Applejack shone a lamp in Zecora’s face.
“Where the hell did you even get tha-“
Applejack grabbed a green leaf from Zecora’s ‘cooking supplies’. “If you don’t tell me, I will use this.”
“You... don’t know what that is do you?”
“I’m assuming it’s poisonous. It’ll make you sick, or have some other side effect. But the point is: it’ll do something.”
“Oh, it’ll do something alright.”
“I’m gonna count to 3.”
“I can’t wait.”
“1.”
“(yawn)”
“2.”
“What do you think that’s gonna do?”
“3.”
Applejack thrust the leaf into Zecora’s synapses.
“Ohh. Yeaaahhhh brrrrooooooooooooo”
“Uh. I don’t think I like what I’ve just created.”
Applejack looked around to see a bunch of sciencey equipment.
“What is this stuff?”
Meanwhile, in Ponyville
Twilight stood there in awe. What the hell could have possibly made hole in the space time continuum? It doesn’t make any sense. After all, spacetime is any mathematical model which fuses the three dimensions of space and the one dimension of time into a single four-dimensional manifold. What kind of force could have ripped a whole through that?
Discord, for the first time in months, stepped into Ponyville’s square to find out where Fluttershy was. He instead found Twilight Sparkle looking at a portal.
Twilight realised something.
“Discord, only your powers would be able to do something like this. Was it you?”
“What? No no no no no no. If it was me, why would I fill it with apples?”
“Tell me!”
“And why would I do that?”
Twilight used a new shapeshifting spell she learned to turn herself into...
“I’ll break every bone in your body, Discord.”
Batman.
“Okay fine. Only because you’re actually kind of scary when you look and sound like that. I... may have shared my powers with Applejack.”
“I only did it because she needed some space for apples. And Fluttershy told me to help. So I gave the power to just put her stuff in another dimension. Simple.”
“(sigh) Okay, but that’s all that Applejack can do?”
“Uhhh. No. She can do everything I can do.”
“(big boi sigh) Okay. I need to find a way to locate Applejack and stop her from doing something she might regret.”
Twilight only now realised that she sounds like Kevin Conroy’s batman, and thus sounds really cool.
“Woah. I sound really cool.”
She proceeded to say some cool stuff.
“The Joker, where is he?”
“I’ll break every bone in your body, Cobblepot.”
“I am vengeance. I am the night. I AM BATMAN!”
She then also remembered that people in Ponyville have never seen a human before, and at least 12 of the people here just defecated.
“Fu-“
When the Main 5 had arrived at sweet apple acres, it was a mess of tornadoes, cheese, fruits, pickles, and Epson EcoTank ET-7750 Three-In-One Wi-Fi A3 Printer with High Capacity Integrated Ink Tank System & 2 Years Ink Supply Included’s. Applejack had no idea how to control her powers.
“Come on. There HAS to be something here. There must be something that can tell me what an Applebloom is.”
“Applejack?” Twilight yelled into the broken barn. “Are you there?”
“Applejack, darling. If this is about the time I burned down one of your Fuji apple trees, I understand why you would do this.”
“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAH APPLE TREE?”
“nothing”
Applejack came outside to find Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Rarity all outside. Twilight was there to, but she was wearing a weird cape and cowl.
“Look guys. I’m just trying to find out what apple Applebloom is named after.”
“I’m pretty sure she’s not named after an apple.” Rainbow Dash yelled yellingly. (????)
“NO! She has to be named after something. I’ve been using Discord’s powers to help me find out what.”
“Why don’t you just magic in a clue to the answer to your question?” Pinkie Pie said saidingly.
“Well, using that logic, why wouldn’t I just magic in the answer?”
“Discord is a weakling. My power doesn’t extend that far. So therefore, his doesn’t either.” Pinkie’s eyes went black.
“Uh. Okay. I guess I’ll do that.”
A book appeared in front of them. Applejack opened it.
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“How are you guys actually saying ‘...’? How the hell does that work?” Pinkie Pie questioned.
“Okay. Ah opened the book.”
“...” Pinkie Pie learned how to say ‘...’.
“It says...”
...
“lol what about your own name lmao”
...
”OOHHH YEEAAAHH.”
“‘OOHHH YEAAAHH’ what?”
“I’m named after an alcoholic beverage! People in my family aren’t all named after apples.”
“So why Applebloom?”
“Because the shows writer’s couldn’t think of anything else!”
“Ohhhhhhhhhh...”
“So Applejack, how to you actually use your powers?” Twilight asked. (not askingly)
“By doing a hind leg kick, like this!” Applejack proceeded to do a hind leg kick.
“So do you have to think about what you want to do?”
“Yeah. But if I’m not thinking, something random will happen.”
“Erm, Applejack?”
“Yes?”
“Were you thinking just a second ago?”
...
“noooooooooooooo”
“Well shi-“
Author's Note
every side character in Equestria is a drug dealer in my universe btw
