I Shouldn't Have Written This
Fallout Equestria: Lesbians
Ruins are just so boring.
Sure, this is where Homage said she found the star blaster, but seriously these ruins have so many corners and we have to search them all.
I don’t even know why we’re doing this. In all sincerity, this feels more like a side quest that’s distracting me when I should be focusing on striking a deal with Red Eye and wiping my memory. But when Velvet Remedy heard about the “weapon that fell from the stars,” she just had to investigate. Of course, Calamity agreed to it.
I heaved a sigh. “My two best friends are together,” I said to myself. “I should be happy.” But I’m not.
“What was that?” Velvet asked.
The way her mane shined, even in the dull sunshine, made me realize that no matter what I say, to her or myself, I am not over her. “Nothing,” I end up saying. It will do no good bringing that up again. At least not until the mission is done.
“Okay, then.” She turned and walked away, a glint of judgment disturbing her composure for just a moment.
Her flank looks really hot when she walks. What am I thinking? Save it until we get back to the tower.
<>*<><
Hours passed and no sight of a box. Homage had said that she found it in a decorative box, right?
As if to answer my question, Calamity yelled out, “Ah found sumthing,” from a few feet in front of me.
I sprinted up to catch him and to my joyous relief, it was a box, a great big beautiful box that looked exactly like how Homage described. It had a great sword painted on the top with a few apples thrown around it to make Steel Rangers symbol. Other than that it looked just like a normal wooden box that somehow survived the 200 years since it was last polished.
I looked up at my two friends, smiling, “Just like old times, right Calamity?”
“Yeah, but Ah’m not tryin’ to kill you.” That elicited a small giggle from me. “Care ta do the honors?”
“Don’t mind if I do.”
I opened the box, half expecting it to glow just for dramatic effect. It didn’t glow, but it did open and inside was another box. Well, that wasn’t all I noticed, but there was definitely another box in there. There was also a spot where a gun was removed. Judging by its weird shape, that was where the star blaster was held.
I picked up the smaller box. Something was telling me to make a joke about dreams, but I didn’t succumb to that impulse. Those jokes aren’t funny anyways.
This box did glow when I opened it and some very victorious music played. I took out the item and lifted it over my head because that seemed like a good thing to do in a time like this.
“You got a memory orb!” Velvet exclaimed, a little too excited.
“Eeyup,” Calamity added.
“What?”
“Ah mean, ayep.”
I had the urge to go into the memory, so I wished my friends farewell and submerged myself in the life of some unknown person who is probably dead.
O.o o.O
At first, it was blurry, but as the memory came into focus, I could see that I was sitting in a bedroom, reading a book, and my hooves were orange. Ugh! It’s such an ugly color, orange. Oh well, you can’t always be put in the body of Pinkie Pie.
Whatever I was reading bored me, though, and I looked out the window in thought. Not much thought happened, and it was starting to make me think that this pony was worst pony, but a blue head popped up from under my windowsill and knocked on the glass.
I was surprised, but it took my host a couple seconds before she jumped, startled. She’s a little slow.
The blue pegasus with rainbow hair held up a newspaper and said, “Did you hear the news?”
“No, what did it say?” My host said, sipping a cup of tea.
“We’re all lesbians!” My host spit out the tea she was sipping.
“Wha-but-I-When did this happen?” The blue one hoofed my host the paper. “’General consensus indicates that all mares in Equestria are bisexual.’ But I’m with Apple Snack. I’m not gay!”
“It says bisexual and apparently it’s fanon.”
“What?”
“Your fan’s on. It’s distracting me.” The pegasus moved her head around in circles with the ceiling fan.
“Rainbow Dash!”
“Oh yeah, it was in the news and everything. So,” she whipped her hair back and struck a seductive pose, “You wanna do it?”
My host reread the paper. “Well, if it’s in the newspaper, I guess it must be true.”
“Great!” Rainbow Dash seemed ecstatic and landed down next to her.
And then they did it.
O.o o.O
“That was hot.”
“What?” I just realized where I was before I entered the orb and how inappropriate that was in front of Velvet. “Were you in a desert or something?” Velvet asked, smiling in the way she smiled the first time she came into my stall all that time ago. It reminded me of how I felt then and my frustration at the inevitable truth, that I could never be with her.
But what if that wasn’t the case? What if everypony’s a lesbian?
I seized Velvet from the mane and planted a nice long kiss on her lips and the feeling of her lips on mine was the best feeling I’d had since my mintal addiction. For a second I believed she would be into it as well, but after a few fleeting moments, she pushed away from me.
My cheek erupted in fire when she slapped me. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
I just didn’t know what went wrong. I felt so sure about this moment, but it collapsed around me. I mustered up the most meager courage ever to say, “Everypony’s a lesbian.”
She stared at me for a while, a look of disbelief on her face. Then, out of nowhere she said, “Oh, in that case,” and then she grabbed me by the mane a gave me an equally passionate kiss.
This time it was Calamity that broke us apart. “Woah, Woah, Woah!” I was expecting him to punch me or something, but instead he kissed me. “Everypony’s a lesbian, right?”
We had a three way kiss for a long time. A crowd started to accumulate, but we continued our passionate three way. It soon became obvious that we couldn’t ignore them for much longer.
I stared into the crowd. I recognized a few faces. Xenith was there. So was Gawd and basically every other pony we had met. There was a pony with a red and black mane, with a number of different ponies behind her that I can’t describe because their story’s too long to even start. There was a pony that was on fire staring at us. There was Crush Bonekill, the rainbow alicorn.
There were so many ponies staring at us. I started feeling a little awkward.
Then Velvet screamed, “Everypony’s a lesbian!”
Then, we all fucked.
THE END
