An Oblivion Guard Spawns in Ponyville
The day was an ordinary one for Ponyville. The midday sun warmed the land and the ponies that inhabited it, with scattered clouds keeping the temperature mild and comfortable. Many ponies used the nice weather to run errands or just enjoy a relaxing time at the park. It was the perfect day to be ruined by a disaster of some kind. Luckily for Ponyville, what happened wasn't quite a disaster.
Some time around midday, a strange creature unceremoniously appeared in the street, simply popping into existence slightly above the ground. Only a rare few would be able to identify it as a human. The human was covered, head to toe, in armor made of thick iron plates, spotted with dirt and rust from frequent use. It had a sword sheathed at its side, ready to be drawn at a moment's notice.
A nearby mare stared slackjawed, blinking in disbelief as if trying to wipe away the impossible sight she was seeing. The human instantly turned toward her with a neutral expression on its face.
"Another day, another septim," came a deep, masculine voice, giving the stunned mare the impression that this thing was male. He turned away mechanically and began walking along the street.
"What is he?" asked Rainbow Dash.
She was with her five best friends in the town park, looking at the human from a safe distance as he patrolled along the dirt paths. They had all been alerted to his presence soon after he had appeared, and were presently trying to figure out what to do with him.
"That's a human, Rainbow. But until now, we thought they were just a legend," Twilight replied. She said it rather matter-of-factly, as it was not uncommon for legends to end up being true in Equestria.
"What do you think he wants?" Applejack asked.
"I don't know, but I intend to find out," Twilight said.
Just then, Cheerilee approached them from their right, looking somewhat concerned and confused. "Hey girls," she said. "Have you... heard of the high elves?"
"High elves?" Twilight asked with a slight head tilt. "No. Why do you ask?"
Cheerilee pointed a hoof at the human. "He asked me that as I was passing by him and I couldn't make heads or tails of it. I was hoping one of you might know."
"Maybe these... high elves are what he's here looking for," Rarity offered.
"That's as good a guess as any," Twilight said. "Thank you, Cheerilee. We'll figure out what he wants. If you could, try to warn other ponies to keep their distance for now. We still don't know if he's dangerous. He does have a weapon, after all."
The schoolteacher nodded and hurried off. Twilight steeled herself and approached him, ready for trouble but hoping for the best.
"Hi," she said from behind him. He immediately turned around, somehow gliding in a circle as he did.
"State your business, citizen," he said.
"I'm Twilight Sparkle. What's your name?" she asked with a friendly smile. He simply stared blankly, his face unchanging. When no answer came, Twilight decided to change her approach. "Can you tell me about where you came from?"
This time, he replied immediately. "The Imperial Palace is at the center. The six districts are arranged around the Palace like spokes of a wheel. Starting in the northeast, going clockwise, you have the Market, Arena, Arboretum, Temple, Talos Plaza, and Elven Gardens districts. The Waterfront is south of Temple District. The Arcane University is south of the Arboretum. The Imperial Prison is north of Market District," he said.
The six ponies just stared as he spoke, still as confused as ever. "I-I see..." Twilight said with an uncomfortable smile. "Do you... know where you are?" He simply continued staring, showing no sign of having heard her. She tried another question. "Why are you here in Equestria? Is there any way we can help?"
Again, he remained silent. Twilight began wondering if all humans were so difficult. As the two had their awkward staredown, Pinkie Pie had the idea to offer him a cupcake. She reached into her mane and pulled one out, preparing to hold it out to him. In her excitement, however, she dropped it on the ground. It landed frosting-first on the ground with a soft splat, then the cake portion rolled away, coming to a stop next to Fluttershy.
"Oopsie!" said Pinkie.
"Oh, dear. Here, let me get that," Fluttershy said gently. She moved her hoof to pick up the ruined treat and the moment her hoof touched it, the human turned to her.
"Stay where you are, thief!" he said as he ran two steps over to her. She had no choice but to do as he asked as she froze in fear, unable to move or speak. "Well now, what do we have here? Caught in the act and no gold to pay your fine? I'm confiscating your stolen goods. Now it's off to jail with you!" The cupcake seemed to have mysteriously disappeared.
The other five ponies moved to protect Fluttershy in case of trouble. "Leave her alone, you big meanie!" Pinkie said. "She didn't steal anything!"
"J-j-jail? I can't go to jail!" Fluttershy said.
The armored human sneered at her. "Then pay with your blood!" he said in a harsh voice rough enough to grate cheese.
As he drew his sword, Fluttershy fell to the ground, covering her head with her hooves. "Please, no!" she said, quaking in terror. He immediately sheathed his sword and spoke to her again.
"Stop! You violated the law. Since you lack the funds to pay the court, you must serve out your sentence. Your stolen goods are now forfeit," he said angrily, but was presently doing nothing but staring down at her with a scowl.
Rainbow Dash was having none of it. "Leave her alone, ya big jerk!" she said, flying up behind him and kicking him in the back of his head.
"By the Nine Divines! Assault! Assault!" he yelled as he quickly swiveled toward Rainbow Dash on his seemingly frictionless feet. He looked up to her as she hovered above him with her hooves raised and ready to fight. "Break the law on my watch, will ya? I'll be confiscating your stolen goods. Oh, and no gold to pay your fine, hmm? It's off to the lockup then!"
"Just try it, pal," Rainbow said with an arrogant smirk.
"Then pay with your blood!" he yelled, sounding exactly the same as he had the last time he said it.
As he unsheathed his sword for the second time, Rainbow flew a few feet higher, well out of his reach. Applejack ran over to Fluttershy, who was still frozen in fear, and picked her up, carrying her away from the chaotic scene. Pinkie and Rarity backed off as well, not wanting anything to do with the maniac. Twilight kept her distance, but stayed close enough to intervene with her magic if she had to, horn aglow with a prepared spell.
The human, facing Rainbow, swung his sword in a wide horizontal arc in front of him, far below where the pegasus was hovering. "You should have paid the fine!" he said, backing up with his sword at the ready. He charged forward and swung two times, again nowhere near Rainbow, slicing at the ground-level air directly below her. She adopted a confused look and simply watched the odd behavior as she kept her altitude well above him. Often his ineffective attacks came with a verbal threat or taunt as if he were trying to be intimidating.
Eventually, Twilight canceled her spell, the raspberry glow around her horn diminishing. She simply stared, just as confused as Rainbow, wondering what they were going to do about this odd individual. He didn't respond to most questions, even though he seemed to understand and speak Ponish just fine. He also seemed extremely prone to violence. If they couldn't find a way to reason with him, Twilight worried they would have to banish him to Tartarus with the other beasts that could not be reasoned with.
Rainbow Dash tried flying away from the human only to confirm her suspicion as he followed directly under her, still slashing wildly at nothing. It seemed she would not be safe landing any time soon. Annoyed, she found a nearby cloud and pulled a piece off of it. She compacted it into a tight ball and threw it at the human, nailing him on the top of his head.
"Bergoh!" he cried in pain, but showed no signs of stopping his current behavior as he threw another exaggerated cut at empty space.
Rainbow sighed and lay on the cloud, calling down to Twilight. "So... what are we gonna do about this guy?" she asked.
"I don't know, but-" Twilight said, getting cut off by a particularly loud battlecry. "Ugh. As I was saying, I don't know, but if we can't reason with him, we might have no choice but to banish him to Tartarus, as much as I hate the idea."
Rainbow nodded. She did not hate the idea. "Well, until we think of something, I don't think I'm safe on the ground. And I don't think we can risk letting him go, either. At least not until we figure out what his deal is."
Twilight sighed. "Well, despite speaking Ponish, he hasn't responded in any rational way to anything we've said or done. I think he might not even be sentient. Just stay there and make sure he doesn't hurt anypony while we go find a cage we can lure him into."
Rainbow smiled as Twilight left to get started. Her job was basically to laze around on a cloud for a few hours. She had spent years perfecting that art.
As time passed, however, the pegasus wasn't sure how long she could hold onto her sanity after hearing "Why... won't... you... die!" for the thousandth time. She also realized he always said the same things with the exact same intonation. It was as if he wasn't speaking, but somepony (or somehuman) else had said these things and he was just repeating them exactly as he had heard them. It made her wonder if humans were somehow related to parrots.
Eventually, Twilight returned. Rainbow had not even had to warn anypony off, as the few who approached were alerted by his excessively loud cries of battle and wild swings of his sword, and avoided him on their own. "Finally! Twilight, you have no idea how sick I am of hearing about mudcrabs. I don't know what a mudcrab is, but I know I'm tougher than them," Rainbow said, offended.
"Uh... right," Twilight said. "Well, we got a big cage on wheels that was made for holding bears. Unfortunately, it's on the other side of the creek. The bridge wasn't wide enough for it, so we'll need you to lure him across the bridge and into the cage where he can't hurt anypony."
Rainbow saluted, excited to finally have a solution in sight. She lay on her belly on the cloud and flapped her wings to propel it slowly in the direction of the little bridge that spanned the Ponyville creek.
"This is the part where you fall down and bleed to death!" the human cried.
"Yeah, it's apparently been that part for hours now," Rainbow muttered under her breath. She experimentally pushed the cloud a little faster, watching closely to make sure he was keeping up.
Eventually, the three reached the bridge where the other four ponies were waiting. Fluttershy was keeping her distance while the other three were in position around the cage, ready for trouble.
As Rainbow pushed her cloud over the bridge, the guard swung his weapon pointlessly, then backed up off the bridge at an angle that placed him next to the end of the bridge's rail. When he charged forward for another attack, he was on the wrong side of it and simply ran into the creek. As it was designed for paddleboat rides, the water was deep and the banks steep. The human began swimming against the bank, unable to walk up it. He didn't seem to be able to simply reach up and climb out, so he was presently stuck in the small Ponyville creek.
"Oh, come on!" Rainbow Dash cried. In annoyance, she balled up another puff of cloud and threw it at the swimming human, again landing a direct hit on the top of his head.
"By the gods, there's a psychopath on the loose!" he said.
"Well, he ain't wrong," Applejack said.
Rainbow tried luring him this way and that, with no success. He just couldn't climb out of the water. She eventually shouted down to Twilight. "Hey Twi, can't you like, pick him up with your magic or something?"
Twilight bit her lip. "I didn't want to because I don't know how magic will affect him if he's from another world, but yeah, I guess I can give it a try."
The lavender alicorn's horn glowed with power as she sent out testing tendrils of magic to see if he had a negative reaction. When he didn't, she decided to try telekinesis on him. As soon as her dark pink aura engulfed him, he went entirely slack. Fearing she had killed him, Twilight quickly pulled him out of the water and dropped him on the shore. She was equal parts relieved and worried as he immediately began to stand himself back up. She backed away and watched as he faced Rainbow Dash and charged toward her, sword drawn.
"What's the matter, getting tired?" he said as he ran up the ramp to the entrance of the cage. Rainbow carefully maneuvered herself directly over the center of the cage and sure enough, the human ran into it with another swing of his sword. Twilight slammed the cage door shut and locked it, trapping him inside.
"Yes!" Rainbow cheered, hopping off of her cloud to do an aerial loop in celebration, then landed away from the metal cage. The human was running back and forth along the wall closest to her, but did not seem to be able to escape. He had stopped swinging his weapon the moment she was out of his immediate vicinity. Hopefully that also meant he would stop-
"I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you!" he yelled.
"That's its, I'm outta here," Rainbow said, and she was off like a shot.
The large doors of Tartarus opened, getting the attention of every creature inside. Tirek and Cozy Glow were especially interested. Twilight and four of her friends were pulling a large wheeled cage inside.
Twilight had tried reasoning with the human, but it seemed as though he couldn't even hear her anymore. All he could do was run in place against the bars and yell the same taunts repeatedly.
The main six sans Rainbow Dash pulled the cage into the cavernous prison, finding a space for it next to the bugbear.
"Hmm, what have we here?" Tirek said quietly to Cozy Glow.
She laughed as she saw a new opportunity for revenge. "Another friend to make, so that we can be even more powerful when we escape?"
They noticed the creature was speaking Ponish, which immediately had them both convinced that he could be of use to them in the future.
As the five ponies were leaving, just before the doors closed, they heard the human speak one last time.
"You should have paid the fine!"
Twilight made a mental note to return in a week to check on Tirek and Cozy Glow to make sure they hadn't lost their minds. Evil as they may be, even they didn't deserve that kind of torture.
