The 4th Dimensional Tour Guide

by GravityDefyingCoffeeMug

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Derpy Hooves, Doctor Whooves, Doctor Who, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Science Fiction
Length: 3201

One day, over a plate of burgers, the Doctor and Derpy became very interesting to a lecture group of 4th dimensional beings.

One day, over a plate of burgers, the Doctor and Derpy became very interesting to a lecture group of 4th dimensional beings.

Note: A bunch of nonsense I've come up with after looking at the picture used as the cover art. I don't even know which reincarnation the Doctor is in this story.

Cover art is by askclockwisewhooves on Tumblr. Not sure though, I found the picture on google images in the first place.

Published 2018-12-31 14:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-12-31 14:20:02 UTC

The 4th Dimensional Tour Guide

The pale blue creatures coming toward them were obviously tourists. Derpy had guessed that much since she kept over-hearing snippets of the one in front chatting at ones following it.

They were tall and strangely elegant, this batch of alien tourists. The Doctor had raised a startled eyebrow at them when he saw them at first, hours ago when he'd stepped out of the TARDIS onto the surface of Pulchra Terras to find them peering at a nearby fountain. He hadn't deemed to comment, which was amazingly out of character. Instead, he gave her a grin and led her quietly into the shops, explaining that, as a resort planet in the late 86th Century ALR (After Luna's Return), Pulchra Terras always had such a teeming variety of life that only space bars in her imagination could one find more different creatures.

Derpy was delighted to start with and ecstatic by the time they stopped for lunch at the Big Bang Burger Bar, more commonly referred to as 4B by the locals and regulars. There was a long-limbed, purple-eyed, darker-than-night creature and a lanky lime cactus with four legs sitting at the table beside them. They were conversing to each other in their own languages. Literally without the benefit of translation, one would speak in his language and the other would answer in his own, and no creature ever needed to tell them what the other was saying. These are moments when she loved travelling with the Doctor the most, when she felt like an on set extra of 'My Little Jedi', all the mad variety of alien life in the universe surrounding her like she belonged there as much as him.

The Doctor grinned at her over a plate of something they called vegetarian burgers, which weren't really, and reached over to take her hoof. He looked like he was going to say something, when the blue aliens turned up and he leaned back instead, watching them with narrowed eyes.

"And here we have a Humend, conversing with a Praemian. Humend speech is impossible for Praemian voice box, so while they understand one another, neither actually speaks the other's language. The Humend are nomadic creatures, usually found on abandoned planets in risk of being swallowed by a black hole. The Praemian are their current closest interstellar neighbours. Eons ago, they used to war against each other, until the threat of a Dalek incursion caused them to resolve their differences and ally themselves to deal with the Dalek fleet. After the Daleks threat had been resolved, they discovered that they needed each other for several mutually beneficial economic advances and have been at peace since."

Alright, so they sounded more like a school lecture group than a tour group.

"Any questions?'

Derpy was beginning to suspect that only she and the Doctor could see them, since everyone they stopped to gawk at seemed to ignore them entirely.

"Are they invisible?" she asked.

"It's complicated." the Doctor replied.

"Moving on," said the tour guide/lecturer creature, and led his group over to their table. "Here we have a great rarity."

"Damn." the Doctor whispered under his breath.

"You'll need to be very quiet, or you'll startle them, because they can see us and, by and large, understand us."

"What are they?" asked one in the back, who sounded to Derpy quite a bit like a filly.

"After the Last Great Time War," continued the lecturer, much to Derpy's sudden unease, "this species was believed to be extinct. Historical evidence, and now our own observation, has proven that not to be the case."

"Are they Daleks?" asked another.

"Don't be stupid," said its companion. "If they're Daleks, no one here would be breathing."

"Good point," said the Doctor.

"No, these are Time Lords."

"I'm not a Time Lord," said Derpy, torn between indignation and hilarity.

"As you can hear, the female of the species prefers the gender-correct distinction of 'Time Lady'. My apologies." added the guide in her general direction.

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Actually, she prefers 'Muffin Lady, Conqueror of Time and Space'."

"Time Lords hail from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous and are considered to be the single most powerful and knowledgeable lower dimensional life-form. In fact, there is no known reason why their species has not transcended, except possibly..."

"A deep seated aversion to wandering around unspecific energy critters." said the Doctor.

"Yes, that, thank you." said the lecturer. "Time Lords as a species have formed a symbiotic relationship with the other sentient life-forms from their planet, multi-dimensional beings of enormous capacity known to the Time Lords as TARDISes. The symbiotic link, as you can see by studying the Atron lines, is held differently by the female than the male."

"Which ones are the Atron lines again? I keep forgetting." said another of the strange aliens in a booming, deep voice.

"The Atron lines are these golden ones." He reached out and tugged at something invisible, to which Derpy felt the strangest tingling sensation in the back of her head. She looked nervously at the Doctor.

"Don't do that," he said sternly. "You'll hurt her. You'll hurt them both." He'd turned his deadly glare onto the tour guide, who gazed at him vaguely and blinked in something that might have been surprise.

"As you can see, the male is very defensive of the female and the symbiont. Time Lords, as a race, are non-aggressive. Neither they nor the TARDISes travel armed. However, the more powerful males are reputed to tend toward a form of manifestation that is considered insane by most other lower dimensional life forms and by many others of their own species as well."

Derpy draped a wing over the Doctor's back in comfort as he looked like he jump onto his hooves and make the blue alien eat those words, every single last one of them, with this strange green sauce that passed here for ketchup.

"The female seems quite emotional." observed one of the tourists, causing Derpy to turn her own glare on the blue creatures.

"The females are believed to possess a greater empathy, which may explain why her Atron link appear more pronounced. These two, as you can see, are a mated pair. More than likely, her empathy is necessary to control his more chaotic impulses."

"He's much older, isn't he?" asked someone.

"Ignore them." suggested Derpy, who only just now noticed the Doctor was blushing vividly for some reason. Probably because his age was showing. The other bit, most creatures mistaking them for a couple, happens all the time.

"The species was decimated by the Time War. Her choices for a mate may have been limited, or it may be that the females generally choose older males. She may have been asked to choose this one, as he seems to need the exceptional depth of empathic store this female appears to possess."

"He's brilliant," she announced with a smirk. "And you gotta admit, he's handsome."

The Doctor beamed at her and nodded, and tried to go back to his food.

"I thought Time Lords are humanoid."

"Time Lords have the ability to change form. Although, you are correct to assume that, the majority of their species adopt the appearance of a human."

"Excuse you," the Doctor interrupted. "We came first! The humans copied us."

"The female appears to be too young to have control of that ability, hence her unusual appearance as a pegasus pony of Equestria. His form was likely selected to increase their compatibility, with her appearance and age in mind."

Derpy looked up at the Doctor and, to her surprise, found the blush even more pronounced. "What?" She asked.

"Nothing." he replied grimly. He's not wrong, but regeneration is still a lottery.

"Do they communicate telepathically? I can't understand half of what they're saying but it seems to make sense to them."

"Mated pairs amongst the Time Lords do communicate telepathically. As you can see in this case, the male holds the greater telepathic capacity."

"If they change their form, how can they recognise their mates? The telepathy, again?"

"Partly that. Also, the male marks the female. You can see that here, here, and here." The alien gestured, and again Derpy felt funny sensations in her head. The Doctor looked horrified next to her.

"Never, ever touch a marked female," the tour guide continued. "It's safest not to even confront one, especially not if she has this mark, here."

Now, Derpy felt spots dance behind her eyes.

"That does it," the Doctor said and bolted to his feet, eyes blazing with that dark, alien power and authority that always made others back up a few paces. "Leave her alone. If you touch one more time trace on her, I will personally drop you into a dimensional labyrinth and leave you to find your own way out. Shouldn't take you more than six centuries."

"Oh," said one of the tourists. "I see. Yes, that is interesting, isn't it."

"I mean it." the Doctor added fiercely as he pulled out his sonic screwdriver.

"He just threatens?"

"Only because he is already here. They have been known to do strange things in the fourth dimension in defence of a marked female. Time Lords are willing to cross their own timelines to reach a marked partner, and on occasion, go so far as to jeopardise the local continuum by appearing in more than one manifestation. Were she in genuine danger, we would see very interesting temporal pyrotechnics. The Time Lords, as a a race, are the only beings known who can manipulate the fourth dimension without any form of technological assistance."

The Doctor, apparently, did just that because, all at once, he was at her other side and offering his hoof to help her off her chair. "Let's go." he said.

"Run?" She asked.

"No, this one calls for nothing less than stalking off in high dudgeon."

Derpy nodded as she and the Doctor trotted carefully to the TARDIS. She now had a wing over the Doctor to keep herself balanced against a spasm of vertigo.

"I think we've upset them." Remarked one of the tourists as they stormed past.

"Perhaps... Or they may be required to rejoin the symbiont."

"Can we see that?" asked the filly sounding tourist.

"If we are quick, we may be able to get a glimpse of it. It is nearly impossible to get through a TARDIS' defence mechanism without being invited." The tour group was following them from the bar, bobbing after them like a pack of baby ducks behind its mother.

"Would they invite us?" asked another tourist.

"No," said the Doctor. "I never invite chaos or higher dimensional beings. Not happening."

"How disappointing," said the guide. "No, apparently we will only be allowed a brief glimpse of the outer polyphasic shell of the symbiont."

Derpy was keeping her questions to herself, so as to not distract the Doctor and not to give the tourist anything else to natter on about. But she did wonder what they had done to her that made her felt light-headed.

"As you can see, the male prefers to keep physical contact with his female at all times. This is not a common occurrence amongst Time Lords, they generally forbid other creatures from touching the younger ones while their telepathic senses develop. My supposition is that this is also the result of the decimation of their species, the need for physical closeness raised in priority over their other customs. They were a species much given to ritual and tradition in their native environment."

"Can others see those markings? She practically glows."

"He can see them, and any higher life form with senses that extend can sense them if not see them clearly. Most advanced species would not dare to threaten her."

Out of nowhere, Derpy remembered, on one of their adventures, a half-dead Dalek demanded to know what the Doctor would do to save the woman he loves. She'd always wondered before how she'd accidentally given the Dalek that idea. Now, she began to wonder if it hadn't gotten the idea somewhere else.

"I heard that Time Lords who travel have companions from lesser species."

"That tradition was credited to a legendary wanderer believed to be one of the Time Lords from the last days of planet Gallifrey, the protector of worlds and—an odd title—the Oncoming Storm. An unimaginably dangerous Time Lord demigod called 'Physician', or 'Medicine Man'. Maybe 'Healer', but in the language of the Gamma Forest, it means 'Warrior'—the translation has never been quite clear and no proof that such a being actually existed has ever been found."

Derpy looked at the Doctor who grinned at her and put a hoof to his lips, miming 'shush'. She nodded, fighting the urge to giggle.

"As you can see, although these two stand out particularly to us because of their obvious natures, they blend in well with the lesser species here, having the rather convincing ability to generate a sort of familiarity that causes sentients fail to notice their distinctive nature."

"Well, that answered a question I forgot I had." Derpy said, blandly.

The Doctor laughed out loud at this, and nuzzled his companion, drawing both of them closer and their steps into synchronisation.

"If you look just ahead, you'll see the symbiont off to the left. This one appears to have been damaged at some point, they normally blend into the scenery around them. This one is not doing so, but appears to retain the form of an incongruous blue box for some reason. A quirk in personality may also explain... Goodness me, this one is very old, ancient even. A Type-40, if I'm not mistaken. My, my, a rare treat indeed we have encountered today. Very rare. I hope you appreciate, my students, that you are looking at a wonder of the worlds, here, as TARDISes almost never reach this advanced stage of development or age."

"When I give the signal," the Doctor whispered next to Derpy's ear, "I want you to run to the TARDIS, go in, and start the sequence. You remember how, don't you?"

"Sure." She said, shaky from the intensity of his voice and his cool breath against her face.

"I'll be right behind you, just don't leave the door open."

"No problem."

"Lady-like creatures and gentle-things," the Doctor said, stepping between the party and the TARDIS whilst giving Derpy a sharp nod, "I'd like to thank you for ruining our holiday so dramatically. I've, frankly, never been so insulted in my entire lives, and believe me when I tell you that's saying something." Derpy flung open the door as he rounded on the instructor and continued his rant at that being alone. "You are an idiot, as well as rude, and your students will be idiots too, if they follow your example. You don't tell them not to touch something and the prod it yourself, that's not only bad form, it's taking your life—such as it is—into your own hands. Time Lords are a very old race, you should know that, and we have unique and eldritch abilities. We can do things even beings like you can't possibly imagine, and then there's me."

"What's he saying—I did get that pronoun right, yes? He?"

"Yes, he," agreed the instructor. "This is the male. He is apparently lecturing us."

"Right," the Doctor agreed. "We're leaving now; I wouldn't recommend following us. You'd best move along with your tour." He smirked at the instructor. "I'm an unimaginably dangerous demigod, after all. They usually just call me 'Doctor'." And he turned, leaving the thunder-struck, rude creatures to gape at him while he followed Derpy into the TARDIS.

"Fascinating." Said one of the students as the TARDIS disappeared.

"What was that?" Derpy asked.

"Higher dimensional beings. An unusually stupid batch, too, apparently."

"I mean... well, they... I... haven't they ever seen a pony before?"

"Yeah, definitely. I've seen them around Ponyville a few times."

"Then why'd they..."

He ran a hoof through his mane, nervously scratching his head and looking for all the world like a small colt about to get into a lot of trouble. "Mistake you for a Time Lady? Easy mistake to make, actually, what with you being with a Time Lord, and looking like you do and all."

"Looking like..."

"Are you having trouble finishing your sentences, Derpy? Let me help." His voice took on a high-pitched tone as he mimicked her rather well. "Looking like me. I just don't know what went wrong. Let's forget them, Doctor, and get some blueberry muffins."

She laughed. "Not a chance, Doctor. What'd they do to me?"

"Oh, that." He sighed. "Every living creature that exists has a line of possibility or two that threads around them. Some creatures have a few more than that. My people called them 'time traces' and we can see them. They tugged on one of yours, the one that connects you to the TARDIS, and it disturbed you both rather a lot. You might notice her trying to keep you in places over the next few days, at least until she's sure you're safe."

Derpy nodded agreeably. "Okay, now we can go get muffins. I did have one more question, but they sorta answered it already, actually. Three times while we're taking a break in Ponyville, these different aliens turned up, took one look at me, and turned around and took off. The last batch said, 'Do you really want to bring that down on our heads?'" She looked at him expectantly.

He gazed at her sheepishly, them shifted to impishly. "What was the question?" he asked, grinning.

She sighed and dropped the subject. Implying a why wasn't going to work on him, and she was sure—more than sure, actually—that she trusted him to tell her anything that really mattered, no matter how much it made him blush. "What was that bit about selecting your form, then?"

His cheeks turned adorably pink. He reached up and toyed with his ear. "Ah, well, you know. How would they know, right?"

"Right," she said with a smirk. "So you just got lucky to be young and gorgeous with less conspicuous ears?"

"Yeah," he said and twiddled with the console. "'Course I'm gorgeous. Always wanted to be gorgeous, always had fun when I was gorgeous."

"The Captain liked you anyway. I liked you with the ears."

He snorted. "So we went all over the place," he demanded indignantly, sounding an awful lot like his previous incarnation, "and you kept bringing back scarves, fezzes, bow ties and decorative vegetables that make me look cool and swotty?"

She giggled. "Gotcha," she said, letting her tongue poke out through her teeth as she smirked at him.

He sighed and reset the coordinates. "Yep," he said, finally. "I expect you do. Allons-y!"

END

Author's Note

ALR: After Luna's Return

Pulchra Terras: Google translated 'beautiful lands' from English to Latin.

My Little Jedi is a nod to Star Wars

Humend: Mixture of the word 'human' and 'end'.

Praemian: Google translated 'explode' from English to Latin.