How Starlight did not ascend (but kinda did with Trixie) and the quest of the Iron Studs...

by ComradeCheese

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Trixie, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Random, Daybreaker
Length: 8593

Twilight has the perfect reward for Starlight but between dealing with two butthurt studs, Trixie yelling in her ear and various other things that come to haunt her into Tartarus this might not have been such a good idea...

Twilight has the perfect reward for Starlight but between dealing with two butthurt studs, Trixie yelling in her ear and various other things that come to haunt her into Tartarus this might not have been such a good idea...
As a matter of fact this was a really dumb idea.
Set before season 8 little after the events of the Movie

And if anyone wonders what the Iron Studs look like here is a link from my DA (the insert image feature did not work for some reason):
https://www.deviantart.com/randomcomrade/art/My-First-Attempt-at-Pony-OCs-they-look-constapated-785400570

Published 2019-01-03 21:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-02-25 12:37:17 UTC

Part 1/2

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The sound of somepony trotting across the vast chambers of the crystal keep echoed loudly in the grand emptiness of the towering structure. A young alicorn princess-Twilight Sparkle slowly walked across one of the hundreds of corridors. In this particular instance she was exiting the library and heading out. For she had plans…
Plans…
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Twilight was well proud of her ex-student. In many various ways that she did not expect. Of course she was powerful, much more powerful than Twilight as far as raw output is concerned and equally as versed in spell craft. She even, much to her own surprise and disgust, speculated whenever or not she was as powerful as Celestia. Of course, power itself does not signify very much-just ask Discord. The true magic is the one that comes from the heart and soul-that is the magic of Friendship
Friendship…
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Whatever the world, whatever the time, whatever the circumstances-it is friendship and friendship alone that can bring one to greatness. Loyalty, Kindness, Joy, Generosity, Honesty, Magic-all useful traits that live in all beings. Of course sometimes they are away. Sometimes we choose for them to be asleep. She herself had done this recently with Stygian, much to her own shame. For long, she was the one who had extended the helpful hoof in the time of crisis. Ever since she was no longer Celestia’s student she kept herself in check-do not fall for it. You are not flawless (she even made a song about it) and should see yourself as such. Yet she slipped, ponies slip. Whenever it was back when she nearly shunned Trixie or what happened recently. Everypony was wrong! EVERYPONY, but her… Oh, sweet Celestia…
Celestia…
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Now that she thought about it what happened to her? In the legends a many she was the one who stopped Discord, ended the reign of King Sombra and Defeated Nightmare Moon. All mighty, all powerful Celestia, who’s life spanned twelve glorious centuries of greatness and harmony for pony kind before which the sun bows and rises in her wish. Now she had done not much but sent everypony else to attend to the crisis at hoof. As for the times she did get involved- the mare got either stunned, overrun or had her flank compromised… Just like how Twilight got captured by changelings… Had she… No…
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If she is going to become like her own teacher she shall not shun her, herself or everypony that that dipped their hoof in manure at one point. Instead she shall do what she had done before many, many times. Following in Celestia’s hoofsteps and do as she did to keep Equestria safe for as long as the sun and moon exist to witness their glories and downfalls. For not only she shall once more fulfil her duty as princess and achieve the greatest magical feat witnessed by her very eyes-she shall grant Starlight Glimmer her eternal reward….

Ok this sounds way creepier than it should be…

A short while after...

Starlight Glimmer was relaxing under a beach umbrella beside the edge of the everfree with Trixie as they casually conversed about, as Pinkie called it: the Neatly Nonpareil and Noticeably Nice Nondescript Nothing… Mouthful… That was until Twilight showed up: blasting in a purple flash between the two mares like a rouge firework startling both mares in the process...

-"Twilight? Why did you just…"

-"Oh nothing," she shrugged it off "Nothing…"

-"Humph," Starlight’s friend scoffed at the purple princess "The grrreat and powerful Trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrixie, does not wish to be distracted by nothing…"

-"You were talking about nothing…" Twilight said with a flat face much to Trixie’s annoyance

-"Oh really, how do you know?" she smirked somewhat cheeky" You just got here… but worry not, The apologetic and merciful Trixie shall forgive you your prejudice, princess Twilight…"

-"Never mind Trix," Starlight cut in blushing somewhat while she levitated the picnic supplies back into the basket "I must assume something important must have happened for you to teleport all the way over here?"

-"Precisely," Twilight beamed "I have long noticed that you have made a lot of progress in friendship but consequently we have not discussed any new spells with you since last year. So, I was wondering if we could go over a few of them…"

-"Sure," she shrugged cheerfully "I don’t see why not…."

-"Did somepony say SPELLS?"

-"Oh pony feathers” Twilight gulped as she thought of the potential implications “here we go again…”

-"I think it shall be beneficial to everypony that Starlight should bring her great and powerful friend and protégé…"

-"Trixie…" Twilight was about to cut in

-"…after all, in case if none of you two can show up in the time of need, much like when Twilight got captured or how Starlight was in the Crystal Empire when Storm king showed up-there will need to be a need for a great and powerful magician to stop the terror form piercing the tender heart of Equestria…"

-"Actually…" Starlight rubbed her muzzle in deep thought "Trixie does have a point, having more capable magicians will make it a lot safer in case neither of us are available."

-"I do agree with Trixie..." Twilight smiled calmingly while on the inside she concentrated hard to conceal a mild freakout that was building up deep inside her barrel "...but A. we have the military for that and B. this is some highly advance magic we are dealing with."

-"Hohoho!" Trixie giggled "Trixie knows that the army is in no shape to stop a parasprite. It is about as secure as Sunburst’s soft underbelly. I mean, imagine you two are gone for some reason, the elements are gone, Ponyvile is ripped apart by Daybreaker. As the only competent mage in the entire area what will I be left to do?" She stood on her hind legs stretching her left foreleg into the distance "Back off beast! Or the great and powerful Trixie shall turn you into a teacup!"

-"Khngh…" Starlight suppressed a giggle "I have to agree with that one… I have not really taught you anything since…"

And suddenly Twilight wished she did not reject these two stallions who requested 5 million bits off the royal treasury (that she has no control off!) to constuct their terrifying work of art that would have most likely lead to a crippling arms race followed up by an age of distrust and imperialism, climaxing into an inevitable great war to end all wars…

A week or so earlier…

-"Greeting your royal highness…"an onion brown girthy pegasus with a brown mallet and a kettle cutie mark along with an overweight dark-gray unicorn with a white ponytail and a locomotive cutie mark bowed before her as if she was mighty Celestia herself. “We hath come here to humbly request funding and permission for a revolutionary new project that shall vastly improve our defensive capabilities." They both beamed while they have stretched their barrels over the cold crystal floors trying to appear as smart as possible with their mock-up Canterlot (They really were from Trotingham) accents and over-polished caster hats.

-"P-please rise!" Twilight said nervously sitting comfortably on a throne that she has never used before. It was the first time that she had a formal audience requested form anypony. "I listen, and b-by the way you are yet to introduce yourselves… "

-"Oh, do pardon us your benevolent highness!" The unicorn rose from the floor "Our names are Coal Jacky Pudding...“ he pointed to himself "...and Onion Breeze McRoot" he pointed at the pegasus "And we are the Iron Studs… but this does not matter…"

-"Now you see you highness, for many centuries our defensive capabilities have been shamefully lagging behind our needs. Between those two dastardly changeling invasions and Storm King besieging Canterlot one has to wonder: can anything be done to subdue those misbehaving characters while also protect the precious lives of all those mares and stallions who risk their lives on the daily basis?"

-"I do agree with you…" Twilight thought of what possible reformation magic they might offer to her, she didn't like reformation magic herself however she had seen a fair share of it used- but then she remembered that their cutie marks have nothing to do with magic…"Continue…" she asked them curiously

-"The biggest weakness is the Equestrian navy. With the bare-minimum exception of the few sail driven frigates and airships there really are no modern vessels which is something that we have rectified…"

-"We therefore have conceived the new type of warship! A vessel that can turn an army of privateers into a dozen servings of Griffonian roast. Making the act of erasing the enemy safe, quick, efficient, and cost effective-provided they are on water. This ship takes the three aspects of warfare-speed, armour and firepower and cranks them all to the maximum!" Suddenly Twilight was a little less enthusiastic "We called it-the battleship."

They have revealed servile giant pieces of parchment populated with many elaborate engineering drawings and …a model of an iron steamship with eight cannons? Twilight’s ears fell as she anticipated the upcoming madpone's preaching of fire… Just how impractical will it appear?

"First," the unicorn began "to comply with the modern age we have ditched the sails, oars and earth pony hamster wheels. Instead we have fully committed to steam power using eight triple expansion engines coupled to sixteen boilers of my own design powering four screws. According to my estimates this should give the vessel a top speed of twenty knots. But, we have some alternative proposals that can push 24 if we ditch the pistons for turbines. Even with the older engines it will be faster than any old sail ship and most commercial ships while keeping in mind that this ship displaces twenty-one thousand long tons! And there is a good reason for such a high displacement..." he gave the que to Onion Root who continued

"Thanks, no more fragile timber hulls! Instead we have fully committed to all steel construction. Steel is susceptible to rust but I have worked tirelessly producing small batches of steel to discover that by mixing it with a small amount of nickel and chromium and we can negate rust altogether allowing for a truly armoured ship. To let you know, it will have nine inches of belt armour and six inches of deck armour made of servile layers of altered hardened and annealed steel. A citadel of same thickness will be housed within the hull separated from the main hull by servile water tight compartments. Guaranteeing maximum in survivability of crew and vessel."

"Finally we get to the battery…" They both beamed, to Twilight‘s unease-those headless horses thought of everything "As you can see the ship does not come with some lousy 30-pounder carronades or Celestia forbid-catapults! Instead we have took inspiration from the cancelled 14” 50 cal long barrel guns which we improved by rifling the barrels and placing them in dual gun turrets with segmented magazines. Two super-firing turrets stacked on bow and stern. Each single gun can deliver a ton and a half of lead or 2000 pounds of explosives for every minute. All the shots will be guided by a revolutionary telescopic range finder-allowing to accurately determine the distance between the foe and muzzle."

"Like I like to say, who needs magic when you can kill a full grown dragon in two clean shots? And to boot it also comes with seven casemate mounted 38 pounder rifled cannons on each side for close range perforation." he grinned wickedly "Speaking of rifled, we can also house servile squadrons of pegasi armed with miniature shoulder cannons…" The pegasus produced from his bag a long piece of pipe tied to a crossbow's shoulder bracing with a spring loaded hammer and a piece of crystal adjacent to it. " Arm a squadron of pegasi with those and will discover that knocking out high horses could never been easier! Take it as a bonus if you will…" they did not see that Twilight was hyperventilating in pure terror "All and all it will cost a measly five million bits for the vessel-not counting the rifles…"

Now it seemed like a good idea…

As they have finally dragged their hooves into the castle they have started working on a few semi-advance spells-mainly to get Trixie off the hook. At least Starlight was cooperative… However as the clock slowly ticked by minute by minute it was becoming clear that if she wants to spend any private time with Starlight for her big suprise she will have to get Trixie out of the castle. Then the idea struck her…

-"Alright everypony, I will now teach you the amplification spell." she noticed that Trixie and Starlight both looked equally interested. "Basically it is a lot like having the royal Canterlot voice without needing to be princess. Not really much of use to me but if any of you two need to alert somepony of danger."

-"Trixie could definitely use a loud voice for stage…"Twilight concealed a grin that desired to trot on her face "I mean in case of emergency!"

-"I didn’t know that one…"Starlight thought for a second "How does this one work?"

-"Quite easy Starlight," she smiled "The procedure is you focus you magic on your throat similarly to the way if you were doing a transformation spell. The next step is to envision a sort of a toggle inside your throat. After that you spread you magic into your lungs and make sure you still see the toggle. Lastly you envision a hoof or a finger or any other non-magical appendage and use that to press the toggle while chanting: CLIPPITY CLOPPITY CAPITTY LOCKITTY!"

-"…capitty-lockitty… Ok …" Trixie mused in her head as her smile grew vaster than all the land in Equestria, her eyes shimmering brighter than all the riches of the Crystal Empire "Do you fillies mind if Trixie takes off for a few? Some important errands are waiting for me that I forgot about…" she made a mad dash for the door with Starlight nervously hopping to the nearest window trying to catch a limply of the performer mare:
"HEAR THEE HEAR THEE PONYVILIANS! COME TO THE TOWN SQURE AT THE WITCHING HOUR WHERE THE GREAT AND POWERFULL TRIXIE WILL PERFORM HER GREATEST SHOW ON EQUIS!"

-"Twilight?" Starlight looked noticeably confused as she noticed the smug look that had finally overtook the alicorn’s muzzle. "Did you by any chance plan this?"

-"ALL FOALS GET A FREE SERVING OF CANDYFLOSS!"

-"I might have…" she narrowed her eyes at her, great plans a many going through her head at the speed of a sonic rainboom as her eyes became glazed over as she eyed Glim's muzzle. The last time Starlight saw that look was when a fraction of books was transferred from the castle of the two sisters. And she did not look healthy then…”

-…EVERYPONY GETS A FREE TEA SET AS A SOUVENEER! COURTESY OF MISS LULAMOON!

-"Starlight" she beamed as bright as Celestia’s Sun "I have something very important to tell you" she said in her lecture voice "I have seen you succeed in many great deeds" She approached her, her eyes as starry as Luna’s mane. Deeds worthy of Celestia, Starswirl and the elements alike. I-I am truly amazed in what have you managed to achieve given your background…" she said as she stepped even closer "…no offence. I do not know how to properly reward you… except for this one scheme that I long kept buried under my horn till this very day…"

-"He-he-heh… " Starlight giggled nervously looking towards the window…

-… "ONLY SEVEN BITS FRONT ROW AND FIVE FOR EVERYPONY ELSE! HAVE YOU EVER FELT SUCH PURE ACTS OF GENEROCITY?!"

Meanwhile in Manehattan:

-"Ow…" a white unicorn gasped in awe of something amidst counting the bits
-"What is it Rarity?"
-"I feel a disturbance Coco darling…, as if somepony tries to steel my element, get those 20% off posters dear. Stat."

"…Twilight?" Starlight gulped before a crazed alicorn as she realized where this was going "Are-you for real?" she asked thoughts galloping through her mind, steam building up in her lungs as she question her entire existence. Is this what her life came to? She mastered magic like no other unicorn in her living memory, created a twisted but rather impressive cult, got kicked out, travelled through time to obtain revenge, realised her mistakes, went on to become the protege of an alicorn princess (albeit the creepiest one) only to be… “she flicked her tail” used by her… well b-BUCK IT!

Meanwhile in Canterlot

-"SHHHHHH!" a brown pegasus stallion clenched a briefcase of parchments to his chest whilst inhaling sharply.

-"What is it Onion Breeze?" His unicorn friend stared daggers at him looking quite frazzled, his eyes bloodshot from the lack of sleep. "Got another inflammation from your home grown roots? Our court with Her Highness Luna starts in seven minutes, you flatulent penguin!"

-"I FEEL A DISTURBANCE IN THE SHIP FORCE, I THINK IT MIGHT BE DEADLIER THAN ANY BATTLESHIP THAT WE CAN BUILD!"

-"Eeeeee?" The unicorn looked noticeably disturbed. "A-are you sure? W-what are we gonna do now? He-he-HE-HE-HEEE…"

-"WAIT!"he focused all his inner pony magic on the sensation "…false alarm!" he wiped his mane which was also a mess It’s "another one of those ships…"

This time Twilight was noticeably creeped out as her former student just barely missed her lips by two inches-her lips landing on her horn instead.

-"Sta-A-a-A-a-A-rliIIIIIIgth!" Twilight shrunk in size as Starlight has noticed that her aim was more than just a tad off. "What are you-ouwu-u..." Starlight slid off her horn. "...doing!?"

-"Huh!?" and it was at this moment Starlight knew she might have indeed bucked it spectacularly...

Same time in Canterlot…

-"A-and it sank! Bloody typical if you ask me…"

One short explanation later...

-"Why would you ever think that of all things in Equestria THIS is what I meant?!" Twilight spasmed slightly as she didn’t settle on whenever she wanted to yell or mumble. "Didn’t you had the whole thing with Sunburst."

-"TO BE HONEST I AM NOT SURE ABOUT HIM ANYMORE BUT YOU WERE SO CLOSE TO ME AND YOUR EYES ALL SPARKELD AND GLIMERED, I COULD FEEL YOUR BREATH ON MY MUZZLE AT THIS POINT!"

-"Oh… oHHHH!"Twilight put the tiny puzzles in her head together revealing the image before her as she turned from her usual calming lavender to a hot magenta. "I see…" She thought of something, no anything to change the topic but her head refused to cooperate. "I didn’t even know your barn door swung that way…"

-"I DON’T THINK I HAVE A DOOR THAT STILL FUNCTIONS AT THIS POINT!" Starlight screamed with her pupils shrunken to teeny apple seeds.

-"Sorry…” she giggled sheepishly with plenty of guilt on her face still present. "I suppose this particular friendship lesson was a whole new breed of spastic…"

-"Khghh..." Starlight burst out into a giggle that soon transformed into a rich tenor laugh. A laugh so rich that it would put Discord to shame. Twilight observed the whole spectacle for servile minutes until Starlight had finally came back to her senses her eyes bloodshot and her mane a mess. "All I could think is of you giving an elaborate friendship lesson on how to make out with a mare; for RESEARCH PURPOSES."

This finally earned some positivity amongst the castle library as they both shared a healthy giggle. It was then when Trixie has returned as he noticed the new state of her friend and her rival.

-"What in the name of Celestia has happened ?" Trixie cocked her eyebrows as she eyed the entire room in search for clues. "Did Trixie miss something?"

-"Trust me Trix, you were lucky that you missed it… So Twilight, what did you want to do?"

-"Well..." She approached Trixie. "Forgive me from trying to manipulate you but I really wanted to be alone with Starlight. Don't take it in the wrong way.

-"Trixie is confused..."

-"Let me not beat around the bush... What I am about to do is the greatest feat of magic in all of Equis! Starlight Glimmer, as a co-ruler of Equestria, Princess of Friendship and your Teacher I hereby pronounce you worthy of ascension! TODAY YOU SHALL RISE AS PRINCESS STARLIGHT GLIMMER! THE PRINCESS OF AWESOMENESS!"

Somewhere on a random cloud 20 miles North of Ponyvile…

-"No… this can’t be…"

Author's Note

My first MLP story, please no flame :twilightblush:

Part 2/2

Canterlot:

Upon a great silver throne sat the bearer of the night and the second ruler of the Equestrian Diarchy Princess Luna. Perched on the red velvet cushions she carefully listened out to the demands of the two stallions standing before her who, rather curiously, referred to themselves as the iron studs. A rather bizarre name to go by in decent public but not the strangest that she has heard in the real world or in the realm of dreams…

While the two stallions did not look in their best shape a similar thing could be said about the princess of the night as their well re-cited speech ha been interrupted many times for a drink of coffee on the behalf of the princess. Every single time she called for the caste servants to bring her another ration of the life sustaining fluid the two friends gave each other a nervous glance often followed on with a bead or two of sweat hanging form their manes: While Coal Pudding managed to magic his mane into it’s proper shape prior to the meeting Onion Breeze had no chance to recover his once seductive mullet-taking a more of a Bethoofen look. Still the two brave pones pushed their sales pitch harder than Flim & Flam on Black Friday, they must not fail! They waited five days for this courtship and thus expended all their pocket change-including the bits for the trip back to Trottingham… Whilst they were tied down in a motel they worked tirelessly to rip out every weakness that they have envisioned in their magnum opus. The loading mechanism was altered, an extra pair of 5” guns thrown in, the deck armour was given an extra inch and thus the ship was thirty feet longer with the displacement gone up by two thousand tons-adding a hundred grand to the parts bill…

-”…and so we will have the greatest in what modern technology has to offer! The mightiest ship in the Equestrian history that carries the biggest and most accurate guns the most dependable and powerful power plant as well as the armour that until now we could only dream of! All that and the project only will cost us 5 million an one hundred thousand bits. Now this is the same price as four wooden ships of the line with steam engines but it will be worth every piece of biscuit that we spend on it!”

”Hmmm,” Luna thought as she floated herself a pineapple, her muzzle in deep thought as she eyes the eyes of the delectable fruit, then the stallions and then the fruit as she took a sizable bite out of the royal-sized treat. Whilst chewing she floated herself the tin model of the vessel; meticulously studying the decks, turrets and casemates that would be installed on the real siege engine of the seas. “This battleship you preach so diligently for does seem to possess great power!” She moved model in her magic as she tried to envision the vessel in its natural setting-in the heat of combat. “It hold the might to install both fear and awe-it is indeed an admirable vessel.”

The two stallions lit up as they have bathed in the sudden aura of positivity that shun on them… They could envision themselves at the head of the Manehattan shipwright… bossing everypony around them to assemble the grand leviathan-like vessel…

“But”

No…

-“We do have a few questions in regards to thine ironclad…”

-”Shoot it…” Onion breeze stepped in front as he raised his neck tall-his muzzle pointing straight at the diarch. His eyes holding so much life and void alike-akin to a starving changeling. “What on Faust’s green earth is wrong with our ship?”

-”To start, keeping in mind sisters’s foreign policy we cannot foresee a reason for any future expansions of the royal Equestrian navy…” The unicorn was about to throw an interruption but he was cut off with an icy stare “And, if a struggle is to emerge then the recommended move would be to enchant the existing vessels rather than construct a new class of warship.”

-”But your highness, what if the magic has been nullified? Akin to Chrystalis’s throne?” The unicorn pleaded.

-”That horrid seat was destroyed long ago…”

-”But is the only one?” Added the pegasus looking increasingly more confident “What about Tirek? What about other nullifying artefacts that may exist in this world. Thus, we would need a new class vessel that hold its own without much magic available on our side…

-” True, but you do understand what message it would send to everypony…”

-” Before you begin did I mention that the project is estimated to create over 9000 jobs in any city where we are planning to begin construction... (Of course they knew that no existing shipwright is capable of producing a vessel that is over 600 hooves long so there’s some additional costs, all the more jobs created) and it will set the precedent that Equestria is keen protecting its subjects from any potential danger that may arise. Not to mention we have all those 14” guns which just sit there collecting dust in warehouses all along the east coast while the royal guard still uses spears and catapults. What’s even more preposterous is that I have heard from a reliable source that one of the guns was sold to an earth pony in Dodge Junction and the other one was sold to a mare in Ponyville who also owns a 30-pounder carronade...”

-“…” The princess of the night stood still…

-“I am never going to Ponyville again…” Mumbled the unicorn “Indeed those guns are a little old and need working on-we’ll have to harden the steel and rifle out the barrels but…”

-“I beg your pardon?” Luna perked up as the few remaining squints of her sleepiness were flushed away by the revelations. “Are thy telling me Celestia oversaw production of heavy artillery under my back and sold them off to commoners?”

-“Possession of weapons has never been illegal…” The pegasus said smugly as he recalled how the local authorities tried in futility to confiscate his stash of homemade firearms. “This happens to include gunpowder weapons. But we know nothing on why the big guns were made for…”

-“But we did purchase a third one for TESTING purposes…”Said the unicorn as the pegasus tensed up akin to an angry feline but the unicorn ignored him: “It was very cheap!”

-Luna blinked, then her eye twitched a little…“If so then we must head out to the royal archive and discover the intent of my sister at once! I do hope you have the day free?”

Ponyville

-“Twilight, why would you think I would want to become a princess?” Starlight cocked her head as she pushed away Twilight’s charged horn. “And why so sudden?”

-“But Starlight…” The purple princess instantly objected… “You are the most deserving mare I know who is well worthy of the title.” Trixie muttered something incomprehensible. “After all? Doesn’t everypony want to be a princess? Think of all the way you can benefit from it-in your capability of helping others of course!” Twilight grinned widely…

-“How would that help me?” Starlight questioned much to Twilight’s surprise “There is literally no benefit for me becoming a princess of anything…”

-“How… Why-e-What!?”

-“Look, I already know how to fly so I have no need for wings, if I were interested in immortality I already know an age spell that is 100% reliable, I am already well skilled in magic and you just taught me and Trixie the Canterlot voice. Why would I need this?”

-“Wait!” Trixie interrupted as she trotted to Starlight, tucking her muzzle under her ear. “Think of all the authority you will gain from this!” She whispered excitingly “You’ll get to be the bossmare that you deserve to be”

-“I don’t want to…” She said aloud

-“But…”

-“Every moon I get a letter from my old village asking me to return” She said blankly “I never told you what happened after my visit to Our Town?

-“Sorry for trashing your cottage…” mayor Double Diamond said sheepishly, “We were a little hot headed then for you know why… But we don’t hold a grudge against you!”

-“Thanks, it is a pleasure to see the old place all cheerful like that” “she said warmly, “It is sad that I once deprived you of so many simple pleasures…”

-“Starlight, we have long forgiven you for what you have done a year ago. It’s in the past…”

-“I know, and I wouldn’t want it any other way...”

-“You know you could always come back if you want to…” Double Diamond suggested, “Of course you will need a place to crash in but we can always extend the old community terrace…”

-“Sorry, but I have all new my friends in Ponyvile, I can however visit you over with Trixie for Nightmare Night”

-“But Starlight ewe don’t want you to just visit every now and then.” Diamond stepped in “We want you back as a leader!”

-“Ex-cuse me?” Starlight froze for a second.

-“You have created this town in the middle of the Badlands amongst the sands where we lived for a decade. We know it was in ill intent but back then you gave us hope. Most of us had nothing to go by before we met you and it was your wisdom which built this community form the ground up! Knowing how you turned out we would all welcome your return to take charge.”

-“But the community is flouring anyway? Why would you want me to return?”

-“It might be but we all know it can be better. We are no smaller than Appleoosa but look at where we are-the nearest rail line is an hour long trek in the desert, we don’t have a schoolhouse, we have no library to keep our books in, which have a few to begin with, and no real connections with Equestria. Speaking of connections, until Big Mac started hauling in apples our diet did not really change much since you left. “The snow-white stallion took a deep breath” Many of us first intended to leave Our Town but we soon realised that we don’t have anything else really besides it and us; we had no choice but to stay. On the other hoof, once we had our talents back we once again grew fond of the place. Like before we don’t ask anypony bits for lunch and the little money we need to get some pots and other wares we make by bartering bricks and cotton, amongst other options…”

“BIG MACK AH NEED TO TALK TO YA, WHY IN THE HAY Y’KEEP TAKIN DEM DAMN iouS FROM SUGAR BELLE? AH KNOW WHAT SETUP THEY ’AVE IN STARLIGHT’S PLACE! WE’LL NE’ER SEE’EM CASHED!”

“If you can bless Our Town with your presence and make ponies to flock to Our Town’s magnificence we can become the Badlands’ Crystal Empire, we know you have the means just show us the way…”

“The absolute last two things I want is to become Equestria’s Princess of Communism or being put in charge of my old village. I don't have many fond memories”

“Trixie is sorry…”

-”I understand, but you don’t have to be the princess of that-what about princess of awesomeness…

-“Rainbow would object…”

-“I WOULD OBJECT!!!”

Canterlot

-“So…To sum it all up” Luna rubbed her temples as the two stallions delightfully munched on a hearty cheese and onion pie with a side of, no other way of saying it, the best bucking tea they ever had. “The guns were a result of a re-armament proposal in the year 1091 by chancellor Neighsay as a response to the increasing tensions with Zebrica and the Dragonlands. The push for re-armament was made in the hall of the nobles and won out by an overwhelming majority and vigour amongst the Canterlot Royal Chamber. Production began in 1092 with some three dozen barrels being produced in the east coast cities. However production was halted after two years by the order of my sister to, and I quote “Stop the madness immediately”. Thus the guns were left untouched until the “Right to Buy Act of 549” kicked in-allowing to purchase decommissioned war equipment seventy moons after de-commission-three were sold. Those guns were sold to Cheese Sandwich, Pinkamena Dianne Pie and… you…”

-“I really don’t trust the EEA” The pegasus grumbled. “I am yet to meet the mad horse who does…Nor do I trust Zebrica…”

-“Real smooth onion breath…” The unicorn gritted his teeth.

-“No seriously have you heard anything about them? I get to hear a lot about the Crystal Empire, Yakyakistan, Saddle Arabia, heck even the Changelings have opened up-I’ve actually visited the hive once. What do we know about Zebrica besides stereotypes? Nothing. We, the public that is, know absolutely nothing and they are yet to open-up…”

-“I know not what to reply…” Luna said… “But…, as far the construction of your battleship is concerned my current, and likely final, decision is…”

Suddenly her ears perked up as if she heard a noise amongst the sea of silence that was the royal archive. Neither of the stallions heard anything but Luna did. By Starswirl’s beard she did! There was a distant shriek, a shriek that only one pony on earth can produce…

-“Are you armed?” Luna asked sharply giving them a penetrating hard gaze.

-“Well I do have the experimental hoof cannon and about a dozen shots.”

-“And you?”

-“I have a fountain pen…”

-“Then you must both follow us at once! Our precious sister might be in peril!”

Ponyville

A large figure burst out through the window, shattering it into a billion crystal fragments stunning everypony in the building. Miraculously missing the occupants the shards vaporized upon meeting with the walls. As the three ponies recovered from shock they were hit with another greater one… Before them stood princess Celestia herself-foam spewing from her muzzle, eyes bloodshot and her mane hanging still. The mares inside miraculously avoided a collective heart failure having all their muscles tense up to an extent that Trixie looked more chiselled than Bulk Biceps.

-“PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” The alicorn roared with the might of a thousand lions. “HOW DARE YOU BETRAY YOUR TUTOR LIKE THIS!? DO YOU THINK ANYPONY GETS THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE WHO AND WHO DOES NOT ASCEND? I SHALL BANISH YOU TO THE MO… no wait that meme is too old even for me URANUS FOR THIS HIDEOUS CRIME!”

As the rabid diarch charged up her horn but to no avail as the room rocketed with a great purple blast as three more ponies teleported in the middle of the hall. As they quickly used a millisecond to thank whatever deity they had in mind they have took the opportunity to run towards the open doors as they hid behind one of the many decorative crystal tables.

Twilight soon gathered enough courage to look over the table trying not to think of what she might have done to Celestia (lest she has a mental breakdown mighty enough to discord herself) and saw to her own relief princess Luna along with Onion Breeze and Coal Pudding to her dismay, armed…

This is bad…

THIS IS BAD!

THIS IS HORRIBLE!!!

Twilight…

Celestia has finally snapped and went mad on her! AND FOR WHAT!? Not for Smarty Pants she was a young silly filly back then. Not for giving all of the most dangerous of villains second chances, with exception of Storm King and King Sombra those were unplanned. No, she has doomed the entire pony race just because she thought Starlight would look cuter if she had wings and a crown.

TWILIGHT BUCKING SPARKLE!

“Eh”

She has finally snapped out of her state as she finally noticed Trixie shaking her by the shoulders (actually do equines have shoulders) with her hooves and her mouth firmly placed on her ear.,,

Yea, she was fully aware by now, and off all the tartarusbound cacophony swirling around her.

-"Sister! What has possessed you to turn onto your own most prized pupil?"

-"Leave me Luna! This is strictly between me and Twilight!"

-"What has this mare done to anger you so? You were a second mother to her? Who was it that seeked every second to teach her the making of friendship?"

-"Leave me alone, Luna."

-"Not until you explain all this nonsense!"

-"This is IT!" Celetia yelled as her teeth sprouted fangs, her mane elevated once more-only to spark into flames on the edges until the crimson, orange and gold leaves of flame reached her skull morphing her eyes in the process "ifF I cAn't haVE mY WaY, tHEN nOPOnY wILL!

-"..." Luna cautiously backed off as she was at loss for words, thought and anything coherent. The stallions were both panicking behind the alicorn in their own unique ways: Onion was haphazardly ramming the muzzle of his rifle clenching the ramming rod in his wing as he cursed every entity around him while Coal managed to compress himself tight enough to fit under Luna's plot (which was impressive for the borderline obsess unicorn) unfortunately he had to immediately start looking for a different hiding spot as he noticed where his 10" javelin of a horn was pointing. The three mares were both sitting behind the table completely frozen as the consequences sunk in. Twilight in particular was milimeters away from receiving a magical haemorrhage. That was until their silence was broken with a soul ripping yell:

-"YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE SISTER!" Luna sprouted tears from her deep blue eyes" YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO CONTAIN AND DEFEAT THE NIGHTMARES NOT BECOME ONE!"

-"Te-he-he!" Starlight giggled much to everypony's surprise. "Sill filly! That meme was loooooong dead." She squeaked.

-"Starlight, are you okay?" Twilight asked as the confusion chased off most of her fear while Trixie was also recovering.

-"Sorry..." she shook her head. "I think all this madness made me go out of character..."

-"Lets worry about it la...!

BWZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

"ARGH!"

"CLEAR THE MUZZLE!"

BANG!

"YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!"

The trio turned around to get an update on the situation and the sight before them proved most of their worries: the Lunar diarch and Daybreaker were in a magical deadlock as their beams collide burned each other off. The solar nightmare had bleeding mark on the neck and a pen being poked at her from various angles-attempting to make a stab. The unicorn was out of hiding and had a bewildered look on his muzzle as if he himself was going mad while the pegasus remained in all-around state of anger as he was loading in the ball and powder with his mouth.

Twilight, Trixie and Starlight have both came to aid as they have blasted the nightmare along with Luna and the pen finally found it's target-which is better left unmentioned so it is not to breach the teen ra...

"HA! GET PEN-ED MONSTER!" Chanted a triumphant Coal Pudding.

...ting.

"I SHOULD HAVE NEVER BANISED YOU TO THE MOON, INSTEAD I SHOULD HAVE DESTROTED YOU!!!"

Tears started rolling down Luna's muzzle, as the orange beam consumed it's rainbow-like opposition...

"No..."

"LUNA! DON'T BEND TO HER MANIPULATION!" Twilight screamed as she gave it all she had. "THIS IS NOT HER WE CAN SAVE HER!"

"CLEAR THE MUZZLE!" The gun clicked to no avail. "Buck...." The Pegasus sweated like a cold piece of glass... "HOT STICKY RUT IN TARTARUS OVER A TUESDAY BUCKING BHRUCH WITH DISCORD AND CRYSTALIS! I PUT IN THIS CRYSTAL YESTERDAY AND YOU MISFIRE ON ME!?!?"

"Stop bothering with that it dIdn't do much anyway!" Coal yelled as he joined in to push back the beam. "Go get every unicorn you can find!"

"Forget it!" Interrupted Twilight "Go get Spike ask him to send a letter to Princess Cadence immediately!"

"FAUST HELP ME!" Trixie chanted as she dashed off into the side and turned into the side-as the beam rapidly advanced onto the group. Trixie puffed her chest, furrowed her eyes and charged up her horn; her muzzle full of doubt and confidence alike. Before any thought could be made by the occupants the air filled with Equeastria's loudest chant in recorded history:

TEA-CUP!!!!!!

FLASH

And on the ground there was a cute, little pink teacup...

The group absorbed what has happened before them as they pondered there for a second until eventually the metaphorical ice was broken....

-"AHA! GAZE ONTO THE UNPRECIDENTED, UNPARALELLED, UNMATCHED, UNSEEN VOLUME OF MY MAGIFICENCE! WHO IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL UNICORN NOW!?" She danced herself into the corridor as she continued to celebrate like a filly on Heartswarming eve followed by an ecstatic trail of magic fireworks.

It wasn't long before the others have caught up to the situation. However with one weight lifted another burden came to follow.

-"H-how do we get our precious sister from this state?" Pondered Luna as she turned the completely motionless mug in her hoof. "Did she!?"

-"No!" Starlight interrupted immediately as she shielded the mare in the corridor..."I have seen something like that before, don't ask me about the circumstances, she should still be ok. The question is what happens when we reverse the transformation because while Trixie did save us now...

-"Trixie is gre-eat! Trixie is powerful!" Echoed form the corridor...

-"...I don't think we will get a second opportunity like that" She finished.

-"Agree." Twilight added as she set up the cup back on it's original spot. "Once we undo the magic we do not know in what state Celestia shall emerge! This is big! We need to start looking into what remedies we might have! I don't know how long we can keep Equestria without a ru-oneoftherulers." She smiled sheepishly as she took a few deep breath to calm herself down. " At worst we can always try to retake the elements of harmony from the tree like you and Celestia once did, however we do need a way to test the...

-"Butterfeathers!" Onion grunted as the rifle slipped out of his wing as it hit the ground....

The hammer hit the stone-the piezoelectric spark lighting the powder that was rammed inside the barrel held tight by the barrel of lead which was now exiting the piece as it ground itself against the rifled innards till it left the muzzle …

BANG!

The cup lay on the floor shattered into billion pieces...

Tension...

Tension...

Tension...

TENSION

"Ho-ho this is too rich!"

The cup floated into the air, reshaped, turned brown and morphed into a sausage which was then coated in generous amounts of mustard, ketchup and cottage cheese only to be sent into a suddenly materialised meatgrinder truing it into a grey paste after it got garnished with hay and pickles and shoved into a tube of toothpaste. The tube enlarged tenfold from which a greatly bemused draconequis sprouted out who was immediately greeted...

"DISCOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!" The bewildered chant shook the windows as the shockwaves pugnaciously rocked the castle...

-"My poor ears..." Coal Pudding coiled up on the floor as he soaked in the volume.

-"Well well, while my pranks can be a bit off the rail I would never resort to physical violence." He snapped his talons immediately killing off the pain that has assaulted the grey unicorn stallion. Immediately followed on by a pair of earmuffs.

-"where. IS. OUR. SISTER?!?!

-"Having honeysuckle tea and rosewater cakes with King Thorax." He said sincerely as he pulled out a green muffin from his short mane. "Or is it rosewater tea and honeysuckle cake? Their juvenile cuisine is just so unique compared to what you eat." He said as he took a bite. "Want some?"

-"Why have you came here in the first place!?" Twilight

-"Uh-huh-huh Twily." He swirled around everypony. "Is this how you greet an old friend and a fellow member of the Sweet Celestia I Saved Equestria club? And before you argue I have a very valid point for being here.

-"Do you?" Luna asked cautiously.

-"Why yes, can her purple highness please recall what happened here about a week ago with these two fine gentelcolts?" He asked as the two looked over only now realising who they have been with. "I believe you three had quite the talking when I wasn't around, haven't you?"

-"Yes," Twilight admitted "you can say that..."

About a Week Ago

-"Look, for the last time I will tell you that I will not back a weapons program under any circumstances in the foreseeable future." Twilight announced at the stallions, not too loudly to affect her composure but clear enough to shake up the atmosphere. "I do not care how many jobs it will create or the advances that you have made in warship design. As a princess of friendship I simply cannot back a re-armament proposal of any sort."

-"But your highness there are many threats surrounding Equestria far and wide! The known threats might be reducing but else is the packed around us we cannot be this blissfully unaware of the fact that there are people who would be happy to see us exterminated and I personally have seen faaaaaaar too many close calls in my lifetime!" Spewed Onion Breeze. "I have witnessed more scummery in my life than I did days!"

-"But friendship always..."

-"Yes..., Until it doesn't and you are left broken with no family except a starving foal you fund in a slag-pit who you have no idea how to feed... " The unicorn raised an eyebrow to that while Twilight looked a bit shaken up.

-"I think we are all reasonable ponies here..." Oiled the unicorn. "Shouldn't we have noting but the very best to deal with the steadily oncoming threats, which as my good-but a bit overemotional friend stated do exist? What we do here is good for the country. Or does her highness not value the safety of her own life?

-I ain't sure how wizardry goes these days but say you wind up in prison along with every other wizard... what do we do then? Threat them with humiliating literature?

So it appears some pony thought that the best thing to do to help Equestria is to buff the overbuffed? Discord giggled. "Just how long have you been thinking of that? A week of nothing coffee and research what normal being would do that?" A wicked smirk took over his face. "Unless..." He snapped his talons giving Twilight a frazzled mane a pair of oversized glassed and a green paper cup half filled with coffee, her body instantly clothed in a pair of flared jeans and a red T-shirt with a portrait of man captioned Viva la Revovultion. "Mhhhno…, that would be weak even for this fanfic, Lulu dear?" he slithered as he wrapped around "I see you are a little confused? Do you think Starlight would look good with wings or should I ask Rarity?"

-"I beg your pardon?" Luna panned at Twilight who was steadily shrinking into a fluffy ball under the inquiring gaze. Not knowing what to re-ply to the confused and potentially angered diarch as she once again considered where she might banished to.

-And since Starlight does not even want it in the first place...?

-"Then why are you here in the first place?" Asked Twilight.

-Why you upset me Twily. I was just playing a harmless prank. You were the one who laid the foundation... "He noticed the Lunar guardian look increasingly peeved at someone and it probably wasn't Twilight. "But I admit this is not one of my best pranks, still it's not like anypony got hurt and we can all learn a valuable friendship lesson from it, well gotta go! "HE pulled out an oversized pocket watch. "Got a tea with Fluttershy to attend to!" He said as he vanished along with the Princess and the two stallions.

-Oh and by the way! "He reappeared briefly lounging on Trixie's hat casually sipping a Pina Collada"Don't try turning your villains into teacups, it can work but you are not at the level, not yet at least!"

-"Ow..."

Later

"Twilight?" Trixie asked as she swept off the bits of lead from the carpet.

-"Yes?"

-"Why didn't Discord clean up? He could have done it in a second."

-"At least you should be happy you weren't toyed with..."

-"Or made a fool of yourself..."

-"Heh... Starlight can I ask you for a favour?"

-"Shoot it" She said as she levitated a table back in place.

-Can you teach me how do you fly? "Twilight raised an eyebrow" I encounter so many things on the road when travelling to other towns. I won't use it to show off or anything"

-Sure, why not. Looks like Equestria will be getting two new candidates for Princesshood, eh Twilight? "she smirked"

-"Hmmm..."Twilight briefly imagined Princess Trixie Lulamoon ridding across the sky surrounded by ethereal blue aura on a sky blue chariot presented in full platinum regalia, shimmering in the rays of a rising sun. Yea right..."Heh, sure!" she beamed, "Just promise not to turn me into porcelain when you take over Equestria!"

Author's Note

That was fun... My pacing was honestly all over the place with this one but I hope the jokes make it up for it.

Also there will be a little more at the end :)

Bonus

“Alright” Luna inhaled. “After that kind of a revelation I have some pleasant news for you.” She said as she perched herself on her throne. “Your project will be getting funded after all. So pack your bags for Baltimare immediately; you will receive further orders when you arrive.”

-“Is that true?” The asked with their eyes lighting up like cozy fireplaces on a frosty night.

-“Yes, If Twilight and Discord can ruin my day from simple mischief and overambition then there is no hope for this country if any serious threat comes at this point! “She frowned” It is indeed time to do away with Tia strangling of the military and give us what we deserve!” She summoned a scroll out of thin air which she wrapped up and gave to the two stallions: here is a royal decree that should get you through to the dockyards, if there are any problems ask me and nopony but me personally. Is that clear?” Luna asked the two exponentially keen stallions who have promptly snatched the parchment.

-“As the Crystal Empire!” They prnced off like they were little colts… Ready to plunge into the world of innovation, intrigue, and immense power...

Coming soon (in 900 years probably): Equestria’s Arms Race.

Author's Note

Whooo hooo! My first MLP fanfic is finally completed XD
Lets hope I will not get a million downvotes for this confusing mess... But I hope the jokes made it worth it...