Job Opening: Next Ruler Of Tartarus
Inside the blackened pit known as Tartarus there are many things. Terrible things. Nightmare inducing things. Hallways that never end. Doors that slam shut and refuse to ever open again. Rusted locks and chains and bodiless screams that echo out from the darkness.
And within Tartarus there is also Meeting Room B, located on the third floor, where both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna now sit, waiting for their first appointment.
Using her aura, Celestia flipped through the list of possible candidates and sipped from her thermos of coffee. “Could make for a long day, Luna. Hope you’re as ready as I am.”
Seated beside her at the table, Luna gave a yawn. “I’d be in better spirits if the vending machine in this place actually worked. How hard is it for a princess to get a cold root beer these days? I swear… I feel the doom and gloom of Tartarus already seeping into my bones.”
Then she gave a small shiver to help illustrate her point.
Celestia rolled her eyes, pouring a cup of coffee for her sister.
“Drink this. It might help. Let’s see who’s first on our list.” She gave the list a quick glance and smirked. “Speaking of doom and gloom… Mr. Doom and Gloom please!”
As if waiting patiently with his ear to the door, a stallion clad wholly in a dark grey robe levitated inside. Neither Princess could see or hear his hooves as he crossed the entrance and took the only other chair in the room. The stallion then pulled back his hood to reveal a thin, hard face complete with piercing blue eyes. The heavy lines underneath those eyes made it seem as if he hadn’t slept a single night since he was a colt.
“Mr…” Luna read from her notes. “Doom and Gloom?”
The stallion nodded and said deeply, “Yes.”
“Current ruler of Tartarus.”
“Yes.”
“For the last forty years.”
“Yes.”
“Up until now.”
“Yes.”
Awkwardly, Luna glanced over at her sister.
Celestia flashed Doom and Gloom a quick smile, ignoring her notes. “Mr. Doom and Gloom? Rather odd name, I must admit. Unless, of course, you were literally born for this line of work.” She then chuckled good-naturedly.
Doom and Gloom barked out a single laugh. It sounded more like a gut punch. “My given name was Poppyseed Muffin. But clearly…”
He waited until a random scream from some unknown location in Tartarus could be heard.
“… working in a place such as this…”
He paused for another scream.
“… that would never do. So, I found the need to change it. Once, and only once I might add, did a prisoner here actually discover my true name. You know what I did to him, once he dared taunt me with such information?”
While Celestia shrank back in her chair, Luna leaned forward.
“What? Whatever did you do?”
“I made him eat poppyseed muffins for every meal of every day until this very day.”
Celestia grimaced. “That can’t be all that healthy.”
Doom and Gloom’s sharp eyes found Celestia’s, causing her to flinch. “It is not. In fact, that inmate is rather obese these days. And I let him know it, too. ‘Hey, Fatty’, I sometimes say as I stroll by his cell. Or even ‘Hey, Mr. Fat Pony. Looking rather fat today’. I know my methods may seem harsh to some, but that is what you pay me for. Who knew that revenge was a dish best served with a side of poppyseed muffins?”
“I still might have to look into that,” Celestia admitted, adding a note to her paper.
“Did I mention he’s in here for failing to pay his taxes on time?”
Celestia crossed off the note. “More muffins it is! But getting back on track here. The only reason we wanted to meet with you this morning, before we interview possible replacements, is just to know why you’re stepping down exactly.”
“Besides my age, you mean?”
“Yes.”
Doom and Gloom rested his hooves on his lap. “I thought it would be obvious. This position just isn’t the same as it used to be. Decades ago, I dealt with prisoners the way they deserved to be treated—harshly and with little remorse. There’s a valid reason they’re all banished here, is there not?”
“Hear-hear!” Luna cried.
“Monsters,” Doom and Gloom continued gloomily, “demons, villains of every cloth came my way. Some with teeth the size of my head and others with spit that could eat through stone. But who am I sent now? I’m sent pink fillies and told to keep them in a cage and do little else to them.” He sighed wearily. “I’m afraid Equestria is growing far too P.C. for the likes of me.”
“P.C.?” Celestia asked.
“Pony comfort,” Doom and Gloom clarified. “Simply put: a business I do not care the slightest about. I’ll let the next ruler of Tartarus deal with it. But besides that, perhaps the biggest reason I’m leaving is… I’m flat out sick of the screams down here.”
Another poor soul in Tartarus randomly shrieked.
Doom and Gloom grinned creepily. Both Princesses wished he’d stop.
“For there are other screams I wish to hear… screams far outside of this dire place.”
Celestia gulped. “W-whatever do y-you mean?”
“Screams of laughter from my grandchildren, of course.”
Both Princesses exhaled in relief.
“I must say,” Celestia said, “you’re even more unnerving than your name would suggest.”
Doom and Gloom wiped a stray tear from his eye. “Highest compliment I’ve ever received.”
“Anything else to add?” Luna asked.
Doom and Gloom rose from his chair and made for the door.
“Yes. It’s been forty years now. Somepony fix that blasted vending machine already!”
***
Celestia rubbed her hooves together nervously. It was time for their first official appointment. She flipped to the list of names and read off the very top… only to exhale in annoyance the moment she did.
“Something wrong?” Luna asked.
Celestia levitated the list to her.
“Yottall Ton Ciddors?” Luna read. “Who’s that?”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “An old joke that I wish would stay dead but refuses to.”
Rather than use the door to enter the room like a normal pony, Discord instead exited Celestia’s thermos and shook off the excess coffee the moment he grew back to his normal size.
“Greetings, ladies!” he shouted happily. “With coffee that weak, Celestia, it’s no wonder you let Twilight and friends do all the work around here. I mean… jeeze! I must’ve been stewing in that brown water you call coffee for over two hours now and I don’t feel more awake than when I watched you sleep all last night.”
Celestia’s eyes widened. “Wait. Back up. You watched me—”
“Back up?” Discord interrupted, walking backwards into his chair and collapsing into it. “There. Now what? Have a chance to look over my resume yet?”
Celestia ignored her original inquiry and decided to press on. On the table was a brand-new length of scroll that hadn’t been there a second ago. She lifted it and let it unroll down to the floor.
Luna raised a single brow. “This includes all of your previous professions?”
Discord nodded. “Yep. All the way from the time I opened my first ice cream shop that had a whopping one flavor available!”
“Which was?”
“Imagination.”
“And what does that taste like?”
Discord grunted. “Use your imagination. But moving on. My resume also includes that very special time when I agreed to pose for aspiring painters for a whole thousand years. My, oh, my. Did some of those paintings suck. My horns are way bigger than they give me credit for.”
“What you call ‘posing’, I call ‘being trapped in stone’,” Celestia told him bluntly.
“What you call ‘truth’, I call… umm… stop talking you.”
Celestia read more of Discord’s resume. “What’s this about the time you ‘saved Equestria from Tirek’s rage’? Oddly enough, I don’t recall it happening like that.”
“Then you must’ve slept through it,” was Discord’s only retort to that, as he picked food off his teeth with a claw. “So… did I get the job or what?”
“As ruler of Tartarus?” Luna asked.
“Yeah. Is there some crowning ceremony that happens now? Do I get a fancy new jacket or hat? If not, I’d gladly steal something from one of your closets and wear it around. Luna and I are the same size, I think. Tia? What is it now? Extra-large? Or did someone have another off century like last century?”
Celestia growled in her throat. “Give me one reason I don’t banish you to Tartarus right this instant, Discord? It wouldn’t be too difficult. We’re here already. All I’d have to do is open that door and march you two rights and then a left towards your new home.”
Discord grinned mischievously. “To one of the cells with running water and heat? Oh, Celestia. You old sweetie. How you spoil me. And here I thought you didn’t have feelings for me anymore.”
Celestia was taken back by that. “You… know that cell? How?”
“Because I’ve been studying up on the place. Duh!”
With that said, Discord snapped his fingers and an entirely new table appeared at the center of the room. On it was a replica of Tartarus, or what appeared to be one, until one actually gave it a closer look.
Luna joyfully clapped once it was revealed. “Models! Yes! I love models. Makes information so much simpler to digest. Continue, Discord.”
Grinning from ear to ear, Discord did just that, waving his eagle’s claw over the highly detailed model. “Feast your eyes, Princesses, on Tartarus two-point-oh-no! Or, what I plan to call the place once the paperwork gets finalized, Discord’s Dungeon. First: let us investigate the entrance! Which, as you can plainly tell, now comes with one-hundred-and-five-percent more dread and despair! The moment you step hoof inside this place, ominous music fills your very soul. Look at that skeleton staircase up ahead! Isn’t it spooky?”
Both Princesses nodded. Luna more enthusiastically so.
“Then comes the Wheel of the Worst!” Discord continued. “Each new prisoner is forced to spin a wheel labeled with thousands of horrible fates! Will they be covered with insects? Forced to eat uncooked macaroni? Stand in a line that never moves? Or will they be granted freedom after all?”
Celestia raised a hoof. “One of the options on the wheel is freedom? Like… a get out of Tartarus free card?”
Discord looked at her as if ashamed by the question. “You know what’s worse than constant torture, Princess? Hope. And having it crushed out of you on a daily basis. But to answer your original question: can a prisoner be released if they land on the freedom space? Spoiler alert: no. The moment they exit Tartarus and soak up one teeny-tiny ounce of freedom, they’re snapped right back in again. Technically, they did enjoy some freedom. Just not very much of it.”
Giggling like a loon, Discord leapt across the model and gave it a spin so the Princesses could view the other side of it. “And I haven’t even mentioned the updated employees’ areas! New breakroom with fridge and couches. Sleeping quarters for those doing double shifts. Gym. Spa. Brand-new bathrooms and changing rooms. Cafeteria spearheaded by none other than local two-and-a-half-star chef Foody Goody.”
“No five-star chef available, I take it?” Luna asked him dryly.
Discord snarled at that. “This is a prison, Luna. Getting Foody Goody away from the Hay Burger grill was difficult enough. Now… where was I?”
Celestia had risen off her chair to inspect the model closer. “Perhaps you could explain where Tirek’s cell is now located? It still remains one of the biggest in Tartarus. I can’t imagine you omitted it.”
Discord snorted. “Tirek’s cell? I’m pretty sure already mentioned the brand-new bathrooms.” When neither Princess laughed, Discord added: “What? The jerk’s huge! He could unclog a toilet in seconds!”
“Speaking of huge, Discord,” Luna said, standing next to her sister beside the model. “What’s this large cavern here? The one painted gold and covered in jewels?”
Discord pursed his lips, casually glancing away. “Management’s office. Or my office, if you want to get technical. But it’s not that big. Honest! Just look. One marble throne. One long red carpet. Two to ten servants working around the clock. Chocolate milk water fountain. Ping-Pong table. A closet full of beanbag chairs. It’s nothing really. Nothing. Stop looking.”
“It’s nearly half the size of Tartarus, Discord,” Celestia deadpanned.
“But twice as important! You know how many masseuses it takes to work on this never-ending back of mine? Four! And one of them is just moral support!”
Celestia held up a hoof. “I’ve heard enough. This looks far too expensive. How much is the budget for all this?”
“Five,” Discord answered sheepishly.
“Five what?”
“Five hundred.”
“Bits? That’s it?”
“Five hundred million bits.”
To the side of the table sat a large red lever. Using a back leg, Celestia roughly kicked it and a chunk of floor disappeared beneath Discord. With a cartoonish whoosh sound, he fell through, as did his model, nearly clogging the trapdoor as it went.
“You have my contact information!” Discord screamed as he descended into darkness.
Luna turned to Celestia. “He realizes he could simply snap Discord’s Dungeon into existence, right?”
Celestia shrugged. “With that creature, you never know.”
Then she faced the door and next possible candidate.
“Next!”
***
Princess Luna read off her paper before looking at the pony seated before them. They did not match the written name. That much was clear.
“You’re not officially on the list, are you?”
“Afraid not,” the stallion replied, his voice as rough as sandpaper. “Name’s Sweepy, by the way. I’m the janitor here. Have been for quite some time.”
Sweepy wore faded blue overalls and held a long push broom at his side. His broom matched his puffy, white mustache perfectly.
“And here I had no idea Tartarus even had a janitor,” Celestia admitted. “Fine. We’ll give you a shot. Any particular reason you want to become the next ruler of Tartarus?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“And what reason would that be?”
“To make them pay!” Sweepy shouted abruptly, leaping from his chair. Spittle flew from his lips as he ranted. “Day in! Day out! Not a single one of these inmates cleans up after themselves! Dishes lying around! Cups with no drink coasters everywhere! Sandwich crumbs as far as the eye can see! I want revenge, darn it! Cold, hard, sweet revenge! Don’t I deserve some, by this point?”
A single tear coursed down his cheek.
“Cannot a single one of these monsters put their laundry in the flipping laundry bin? It’s right there! In their cell! Waiting for dirty laundry!”
Celestia shook her head from side to side. “You poor, poor pony. Are you sure retirement isn’t the best answer here? You must be close to retirement age, yes?”
Sweepy’s lips curled angrily. “I’m thirty-seven!”
“What has this place done to you?” Celestia breathed out.
Luna used her aura to pull the trapdoor lever. With what almost looked like relief, Sweepy disappeared into it, muttering something about “dirtiest trapdoor I’ve ever seen”. Luna flicked the lever again, shutting it.
“This place could use another janitor,” she said.
“Agreed,” agreed Celestia. “Next!”
***
The next name on the list had to be a mistake. It just had to. Or that’s what Celestia thought until the applicant actually arrived and sat before them, half of her face carefully hidden behind a massive lock of curving pink mane.
“Fluttershy, is it?” Celestia began coolly.
“Yes,” Fluttershy answered timidly. “We’ve met before, actually. Several times, actually.”
Celestia nodded. “I know. I’m only trying to make sure you’re the real Fluttershy and not some changeling in disguise. I must say it’s… odd to see you here, of all places. Not here to visit some inmate, perhaps?”
Fluttershy shook her head. It had to be the real Fluttershy seated before them. Very few ponies in Equestria could be so darn cute just sitting in a chair, shaking their head from side to side. “No, I’m actually here for the job opening. I heard about it a few weeks ago and… and after a lot of contemplation and… a lot of support from my friends, I decided to give it a try.”
Luna loudly clicked her tongue against her cheek. “This isn’t a job for the meek, Fluttershy. You realize that?”
Fluttershy nodded.
“This is a very tough position we’re trying to fill here today; keeping Equestria’s worst inside a dungeon is not exactly a picnic. The creatures locked away in here are here for a reason. A very good reason.”
“But who’s to say they’ll never get out?” Fluttershy asked hopefully.
Celestia winced. “You mean a jailbreak? I certainly hope not.”
“No. I mean as in rehabilitated. You… you are trying to rehabilitate these ponies and creatures, aren’t you?”
Both Princesses looked away, studying the room’s numerous grey bricks.
Fluttershy continued, “I certainly hope you’re not just locking these inmates away and throwing away the key.”
Luna blushed. “Tartarus technically does have a bottomless pit where keys are usually thrown.”
“Well, then that’s just silly!” Fluttershy announced, a notable amount more energy to her voice. “Every pony deserves a second chance. Maybe even a third! Take Discord for instance! Why… why I bet with enough love and support and gentle understanding any inmate here could improve and go on to lead a normal life.”
“Even… say… a pony that stole?” Celestia ventured.
“Then we teach them that stealing is wrong!” Fluttershy said, no longer hiding behind her mane.
“Then what about a pony that assaults another?”
“Teach them that violence is wrong! Being violent to a violent pony doesn’t make them any less violent.”
“What if… a pony hurts, say… an animal?”
Fluttershy settled down after that last question. She pulled on her mane anxiously. “Now… now why would any pony want to do something like that?”
“Hard to say,” Celestia admitted, “but what if they… really hurt an animal? What do you do then? More rehabilitation? More hugs and kindness?”
“How… b-badly did they hurt the animal?”
“Broken leg. Okay. Maybe worse. Let’s say the animal will never walk again.”
All sweetness instantly left Fluttershy’s face and voice. She asked as flatly as possible, “Is there an inmate here who did such a thing? I… uhh… would sure like to meet them, Celestia. You know… to help rehabilitate them as fast as I can.”
She took a step towards the table as Celestia recoiled.
“What’s their name, Celestia?” Fluttershy barked.
“It was a hypothetical question, Fluttershy. No reason to get—”
“I want a name gosh-darn-it!” Fluttershy shrieked, right before the trapdoor gave away beneath her and she disappeared with a faint, “Oh.”
Nervously, Celestia and Luna leaned across the table to listen to what came next.
“Fluttershy! What a fantastic surprise!” Discord said somewhere down in the darkness. “What brings you to the pit?”
“Hi, Discord. I came for the job opening, but I don’t think it went very well. There’s an inmate here who may have hurt an animal and now I’m trying to find them.”
“Say no more! Let’s go find them together!”
The trapdoor swung shut again, ending that conversation.
Luna asked, “Are there any inmates here that did such a thing?”
Celestia scoffed. “Seriously? Even Tartarus is too good for any pony that would willingly hurt an animal.”
“Then where do they go?”
Celestia thought on that, blushing. Instead of answering properly, she yelled:
“Next!”
***
Seated before the Princesses sat Spike, flipping through a comic book while he chuckled to himself every half-minute or so. He’d been reading there for a solid eight minutes by now.
Luna roughly cleared her throat, causing Spike to look up.
“Oh, right,” he said. “I almost forgot the resume.”
He leapt off his chair to give his one sentence resume to them.
“Former occupation: number one assistant,” was all it said.
Then Spike went right back to his comic book.
“Maybe I’m missing something,” Celestia started evenly, “but you’re here for the Tartarus job?”
Spike didn’t look up from his comic. “Uh-huh.”
“And you realize it’s a difficult job? Lots of responsibility?”
“You betcha.”
“And Twilight Sparkle has no influence on you being here?”
Finally, Spike parted from his comic. “How could you tell?” Again, he jumped off his chair to approach them. “Look. If Twilight asks, just say I tried my very best to win you over, but it just wasn’t enough, okay? When she saw the job opening in the paper, she thought it would be good practice for any future interview I did. But, honestly, what’s someone like me supposed to do with all of Tartarus? An entire dungeon loaded with unsavory characters? Start some unstoppable hoofball team or something?”
Luna smirked. “Tirek would make for a terrific goaltender.”
Spike glanced at his wrist where no watch was placed. “Has it been ten minutes yet? I think so. Thanks very much for your time, Princesses. Please, do not think of me when you make your final decision. Peace out.”
He then rolled up his comic book and exited the room without another word, leaving Celestia to laugh to herself.
“And that’s why I like Spike so much,” she said. “He always keeps things short and sweet. Just like himself.” Followed by: “Next!”
***
Celestia had to pause when she read the next name on the list. Although, calling it a “name” was a bit of a stretch. “-1” it said.
Luna seemed equally as puzzled. “Minus one? Is our next applicant some form of math problem?” She shook her head adamantly. “Like I told you last year, Tia, I am done with math. Send me to the moon again before you assign me more algebra homework.”
“Curious about me already?” a high-pitched voice asked before them.
Both Princesses jolted from the sudden noise. They faced forward, original nervousness quickly flipped into confusion.
“How did you even get in here? We hadn’t opened the door yet,” Luna asked. “Mr… minus one?”
Before them sat a small colt with a jet-black mane and tail. It was clear he’d just painted it that way before the meeting because the fresh paint wouldn’t stop dripping onto the floor. He forced a laugh when he gathered their attention, speaking loud enough to fill an auditorium.
“Greetings, Princesses!” he began enthusiastically. “I… am the Negative One!”
“Ohhhhhh,” Luna said. “Now I get it. Not minus one, but negative one. That’s neat.” Then she abruptly turned to her sister. “Tia, I think I want a name like that.”
“A name like what? Numerical?”
“No. Like a symbol! Like… a crescent moon, for instance!”
Rather than respond, Celestia quietly sipped on her coffee.
Luna was unperturbed. “I could even make a stamp with my crescent moon on it! You know how long it takes to sign official documents and letters these days? Now I could let my stamp do all the work! Think of all the time I would save. Fractions of a second per document—two to three extra minutes per day! I’d finally have time to start my great Equestrian novel.”
“Excuse me!” the Negative One cut in bluntly. “I was in the middle of my opening.”
Celestia furrowed her brows, looking over the colt. “Sure we’ve never met before?”
The Negative One shook his head, spraying more globs of black paint everywhere. “Nope.”
“You positive?”
“Nope. Negative. Get it? But like I was saying… here’s the reasons why I would make the perfect ruler of—”
Celestia held up both forelegs. “I’ll stop you right there and save us all some time. I’m sorry, Mr. Negative One, but it’s clear you’re just too young for this role. Maybe a job as a paperboy might be more up your alley.”
The Negative One reacted negatively to that. “How old do you even think I am?”
Luna shrugged. “Six? Seven?”
“I’m… uhh… twenty-nine, actually!” the Negative One yelped. It would’ve helped his cause if his voice hadn’t cracked while he shouted that. He thought to himself hurriedly. “I just got that illness… you know the one… the one that makes you age backwards? The Benjamin Button Mash disease! Ask anyone!”
Luna leaned forward, clearly curious. “Alright, smart colt. If you truly are as old as you claim, then what does alcohol taste like?”
The Negative One took a full thirty seconds to ponder his answer. “Liquid happiness?”
The Princesses shared a look. “He’s not wrong,” Luna admitted. “But I’m afraid you still don’t qualify for the position. Sorry, Mr. Negative One.”
“And why’s that?” the Negative One asked, puffing out his chest to appear more intimidating.
“Not tall enough,” Luna said. “Spike barely passed the ‘you must be this tall to rule’ poster and even from here I can tell you’re not even close.”
The Negative One fumed in his chair. “Well… I’ll show you! I’ll have the biggest growth spurt ever this year! You’ll see! Next year, you’ll be begging me to take this job!”
“That’s the spirit!” Luna yelled to the colt as he stormed out the room. “Enjoy your afternoon nap!”
Celestia and Luna sat in silence for awhile.
“That was strange,” Celestia said. “One more strange thing and I’m calling it a day.”
“Agreed.”
“Next!”
***
“One word!” Pinkie Pie began, straining to be heard above the dance music blasting behind her. She hadn’t come alone, either. She’d arrived with a white unicorn with dark shades and a DJ booth. Smoke now filled the small meeting room. As did various lights and random disco balls. “Underground dance party!”
“That’s three words, Pinkie,” Celestia clarified.
Pinkie Pie shook her head. “Not if you say it really fast! Undergrounddanceparty! Undergrounddanceparty! Undergrounddance—”
Using her horn, Luna blasted one of the DJ booth speakers, killing the music. Although she couldn’t see underneath the DJ’s shades, she had the oddest feeling she’d just made a mortal enemy. “We’ve heard enough, Pinkie Pie. Thanks for coming by.”
Pinkie Pie held two hooves to the sides of her face. “You’re not even gonna let me ride the trapdoor?”
With a grunt, Celestia pulled the lever and Pinkie Pie disappeared with glee.
The DJ pony, meanwhile, carefully packed up her gear and wheeled it out of the room.
“That strange enough for you?” Luna asked. “Can we call it a day now?”
“Sure,” Celestia said. “I think we’ve seen enough.”
“So who gets the job?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
***
Nervously, Spike stood before the gathered mass of Tartarus inmates with a hoofball and clipboard limply held in both claws. He swallowed dryly as sweat dripped down his face.
“W-when you hear your name… uhh… say present, okay? Let’s see here. Gorgorath the Destroyer? I think… uhh… defense would work best for you. Thursous the Face Eater? How ‘bout a little offense? And, uhh, remember Thursous… no face eating while we practice.”
He chuckled weakly. No one else did.
“Lord Tirek? What do you say to some goaltending?”
Trotting out from the group, Tirek came to a halt before Spike. He lowered his hand for a quick high-five. “I say let’s do it.”
Author's Note
Here's hoping that 2019 is better than 2018. 
2019: "Hold my beer." 
"F---" 
