Come Down From the Cross, Dresser
At long last—as the hot pinks and cherry reds of the surrounding environment were replaced with the neutral grays and cold blues of the Canterlot Mall's main interior—Flash Sentry found the opportunity to breathe easily. He shuddered up and down his spine, like a cave diver coming up for air—having survived the most harrowing of claustrophobic experiences. His skin tingled with a queer sense of primal victory, and he could already feel the sweat of shame rolling back into his pores, staved off by heavenly fortune.
He hadn't broken.
He hadn't died.
What's more, he hadn't given up. Instead, Flash Sentry accomplished the impossible—at least that which he had once deemed "impossible" over months and months of having to build up the courage to arrive at that particular point.
Now, all that was left to do was get to his car and drive home...
...all the while carrying a striped pink bag of spoils.
It shouldn't be too hard.
He had made it this far...!
So, with a casual breath and a casual swagger, Flash Sentry made a casual beeline for the mall exit.
And then he not-so-casually bumped into a petite figure with glasses.
"Eeep!" A familiar voice squeaked as her mousey body descended a swift forty-five-degrees towards the floor.
"!!!" Flash instinctually flung both his guitar-arms out. But instead of collecting a beat-up instrument, he found himself half-cradling a teenage bookworm with violet-streaked hair. "Twilight?" he exhaled ins urprise.
Her four eyes blinked up at him. "Uhm... hi?"
"Twilight!" Bootsteps quickened, followed by red hair and the scent of lilacs. "You okay—?" Sunset Shimmer skidded to a stop as she realized who her friend had bumped into. "Oh! Flash!" A pleasant smile of acquaintance accompanied a hand wave. "Hi!"
"I... uh..." Flash's eyes darted left—spotting Applejack and Rainbow Dash strolling up. "...uhmmmm..." His eyes looked right, indentifying three more feminine familiars. "...good morning!"
"Oh! Why... same to you, Flash!" Rarity pleasantly chirped as she, Fluttershy, and Pinkie formed a girly half-circle around him. "Although... it is five o'clock in the afternoon—"
"You can eat breakfast all day if you want to!" Pinkie Pie shouted, making Fluttershy flinch. The hopping teenager nevertheless smiled at her own enthusiasm. "It's a free kitchen! Hah!"
"Funny seeing you here, dude," Rainbow's voice rasped as she and Applejack shuffled up to his far side. The athlete in question narrowed her ruby eyes above a sly smirk. "Didn't really take you for the mallrat sort."
"You've... seen me..." Flash rambled, his eyes darting towards the hazy exit in the distance. "...around the mall..." His pounding heart shook the breath out of his lung, so that he had to dryly wheeze: "...b-before."
"Reckon so," Applejack said. "It's just been a while. Whatcha up to, partner?"
"Nothing!" He peeped, eyes still starting about. "N-nothing at all!"
"Then... ... ..." Sunset pointed. "...would you mind letting go of Twilight?"
The egghead in question bore a blushing smile and shrug in Flash's arms. "Thanks for saving me from... gravity?"
Twice as flushed, Flash gently leaned her back up and placed her back on her own two feet. "Sorry for bumping into you, Twilight. I should have looked at where I was going."
"That's quite alright." Twilight stood beside Sunset as she brushed off the pleats of her skirt. "Some things happen naturally. After all, I've been told you used to do it a lot with the other me from—"
Sunset coughed loudly.
Twilight's pupils shrank behind her glasses. "I-I-I mean... astronomically improbable patterns aside, we do live in a chaotic universe and identical happenstance can and will repeat—"
"Don't sweat it," Flash spoke, relaxing into a smile. "Your friend's in a place where I won't stupidly bump into her anymore. And enough time has passed that I don't obess over it happening."
"Uhm..." Fluttershy craned her neck and pointed with a demure finger. "By the way, Flash, I believe you dropped something."
Just like that, Flash Sentry's smile vanished into a black hole. "Uhm..."
"That's right!" Twilight nodded. "I could have sworn I heard something hitting the floor when we collided."
Damnable sweat rolled back into the gun chambers of Flash's pores. "Uhm... ... ..." He folded his arms, shook, unfolded them, stuck his hands into his jacket pockets, shook some more, and simply swayed loosely in place like wind chimes. "...I've... just been going for a stroll in the mall and—"
"There it is!" Pinkie Pie pointed at something that matched her hair and skin tone. It lay sideways beside Flash's left sneaker with a vomitous pouring of fuchsia tissue paper leaking across the tile. "And—oooh—what a shiny shopping bag too!" Her voice echoed, causing random shoppers to glance over and intensify the perspiration of the moment. "Don't you just love shiny things?! Pink and shiny! Heeheehee!"
Flash's teeth were grinding to a point that they nearly produced sparks. His hands didn't know where to go or what to do, so naturally they felt around his cold-slick neck for a noose... coming up depressingly empty.
"Uhhhh..." It was Applejack who reached down, scooped the softly-wrapped contents back up into the container, and slowly—politely—handed it back up to the young man with the subtlest of wry grins irrigating across her freckled face. "This... belongs... to... you...?"
The world slowed down to a molasses march as Flash's heart crackled thunderously in his pallid ears. All those months of drumming up the strength to arrive at this moment were burning like charcoal in the belly of some abandoned furnace. Not to mention—all depending on what dove off the teenager's tongue next—a nearly-triple-digit-figure worth of high school savings was about to meet its fate. Ironically enough, it was a portion of his male ego that legitimized saving it, and he saw his hand reaching out towards Applejack's in slow motion... until his fingers felt the cool kiss of the pink ribbon handle to the shopping bag. Now it was in his possession again, and it felt like a ball-and-chain.
Time resumed as normal. Like some terrible Matrix sequel, Flash expected everything to chipmunk-ramble itself into accelerated purpose—but instead he and the rest of the girls simply stood there. In agonizing silence. While the particles of capitalism rotated around them, squawking on cell phones. Seconds ticked by with the grace of rusted elephant circumcision, during which Flash hung flung his eyes towards the ground in a desperate bid to escape the moment.
He failed—but thankfully Rarity broke the queer lull before it could resemble a shot clock violation. "So!" Her delicate hands clasped together as she smiled brilliantly. "It was a delightful surprise running into each other, Mr. Sentry!"
"Yes." Fluttershy nodded, joining in with a pleasant smile. "We always love hearing from you."
"Don't be a stranger, Flash," Sunset said with a wink.
"Yes, what she said," Twilight Sparkle echoed.
"Let's try baking sometime!" Pinkie Pie'd.
"Our barn door's always open for you whenever yer just feelin' like chattin'," Applejack added with tipped hat of finality.
"Why the heck is a boy like you shopping at Victoria's Secret?" Rainbow Dash's voice cracked as she suffered an incredulous grimace.
The world's axis shook from the collective face-palms of six teenaged girls.
"Uhhhhhh..." And Flash was sweating once more, clutching the shiny pink-striped shopping bag with kneading fingers.
"You came out of there, right?" Rainbow pointed at the offending establishment looming behind Flash like a salmon monolith, full of brassieres, panties, and mannequins decked out in tacky angel wings. "Just now? And you're carrying a bag, so that must mean—"
Applejack's clenched fist lightly came down atop Rainbow's prismatic scalp. Thop!
"Ow!" Rainbow rubbed her head, squinting up at the offending farmgirl. "What?! We all saw it! What, are we blind now? I mean—come on—it's not exactly a place where boys go to buy—" Thop! "Ow! Stop it!"
"It's..." Flash rasped. "It's..." Flash wheezed. He looked at the exit, at the inviting sunlight glinting just beyond the sparkling clean windows. "...it's for my sister."
"Huh?"
"They. These." Flash gave the bag a squeeze and instantly regretted it. "My sister. For her. They are. I mean." He gulped, forcing out a smile. "My older sister."
Silence.
"Well... that's quite generous of you, Flash!" Rarity put on a smile of her own. "She must be a lady of good taste."
Flash nodded, then opened his mouth to add—
"Huh..." Pinkie Pie tapped her chin while thinking out loud. "Since when did you have an older sister?"
His eyes darted to her. "What?"
"I keep a detailed list of every student at Canterlot High and all of their parents and siblings and cousins to buy birthday presents for and I don't ever recall Flash Sentry having an older sister!" Pinkie Pie remarked. "Or a younger sister! Or brother! Or other!" She grinned proudly. "You're an only child, Flash! Super easy to buy Christmas presents for!"
Once again, he was a sweating mess, his faulty battleship sunk in the middle of the Arctic Circle.
"Besides, who buys lingerie for their older sister?" Rainbow added.
"I doooo!" Pinkie hopped in place. "Maud's a C cup! Heehee!"
Rainbow's eyes rolled. "Besides Pinkie Pie, I mean."
Flash's knees were shaking at this point. He could have ice skated on the sweat he was producing now. In desperation, his eyes shot towards the most familiar face of all: Sunset's.
His ex-girlfriend looked back, and the empathetic angel that she had become lit up with a warm wave of purpose: "Oh! Flare Warden! Of course!"
The other six heads swiveled.
"Flare who, now?" Rainbow droned, arms crossed.
"Flare Warden." Sunset crossed her arms too, albeit with a confident smirk and a honey'd voice to match it. "His step-sister. Or—at least—soon to be step-sister." She glanced casually at Pinkie Pie. "Flash's mom is finally remarrying this January."
"Ohhhhhhhhhh..." Pinkie Pie tapped her chin again. "Well, that's all kinds of neato!" She lit up with an even bigger smile. "All the more Christmas presents to give out! Weeee!"
"Aaaaaaaand—as fate would have it..." Sunset looked back at Flash. "Flare's engaged to marry her college sweetheart as well! Her step-family must be so proud."
Flash gazed back at her for a bit too long until finally blurting: "Y-yes! The honeymoon!" He chuckled squeakily. "Nothing better than a cheeky gag-gift! Heheheh..."
"Heh heh heh..."
Applejack was squinting hard at Sunset this whole time.
Sunset glared back like a sniper's bullet. "Heh heh heh."
Applejack's mouth formed the letter "O." She nodded. "Well... sounds mighty fine! A bigger family's a better family in my book!" She then tossed an invisible lasso over the rest of the group. "Whelp, let's mosey on out of here, y'all! That Spider-Person movie ain't gonna watch itself!" She coughed over her shoulder. "Come on, Rainbow Dash..."
The petite athlete lingered slightly in the shadow of her departing girlfriend before finally emitting a petty: "Eh." She shrugged and marched on. "Have a good one, Flash. And call us when this step-sister of yours is in town. She's got a pretty cool-ass name."
"So long, Flash."
"~Bye bye, darling!~"
"So longgggggg Flashieee!"
The last two to pass him were Twilight and Sunset, the latter of whom took the time to pass a warm smile and squeeze his shoulder with a friendly hand.
And then—blissfully—Flash Sentry was alone once more.
Energized, he bolted out of that damnable place, moving so fast that one and a half mall cops gave him more than two passing glances. Being suspected of shoplifting was a less fresh hell than other fates, and Flash knew more than better.
But then...
Daylight embraced him.
It was a setting sun—rosy in its slow and slouching death—but he rejoiced in it all the same. After a numb sprint and an even numb-er wrestling match with his jangling keys—
Thwump!
—the driver's side door slammed shut and Flash Sentry sat in leather-insulated silence, serenaded by the echoes of his own panting breaths.
He was victorious.
He may have lost his pride, his self-image, his machismo, and more than a little bit of his own body weight in calories and perspiration...
...but just like half-an-hour ago in that pastel-shrouded sanctuary of forbidden treasures, he was once again victorious.
Flash Sentry let loose a tremendous exhale.
In the lull that followed, he gave the bag a tiny squeeze, hearing the crinkle of the lightly-floral-scented tissue paper that secured the holiest-of-holies packaged discreetly within. Flash's heart beat as he felt up the contours of his car's steering wheel, his mind painting a pretty picture of the path that was now leading him home... and the evening that would come with it.
A new smile formed across his lips—one that was genuine in its goofy crookedness. He clumsily aimed his keys at the ignition.
But before he could even start the engine...
...his cell phone went off. It was a text message.
Curious—and more than a little bit anxious—he reached down and pulled the mobile to his face.
It was a message from Rarity. He hadn't expected that, but the near-psychic pinpointedness of her texting him—of all fabulous souls—forced him to pay attention to the missive with all six senses at his employ.
Then, to his mixed horror:
Excuse me if this may come across as rude, dearest Flash, but I feel compelled to ask: what size was your purchase?
His heart instantly froze. The young man bit his bottom lip, contemplating the future and all the colored flames it could turn to ash under. Then again, so much had imploded on that very day that he realized there was little left to be terrified of.
So, on an impulsive whim, the boy fished stupidly around in the bag for a receipt, squinted at its contents, and eventually typed a response into his phone.
Medium. Size 6 is says.
There was a pregnant pause. Then Flash's heart shook to see the tell-tale ellipses of Rarity drumming up a response, followed swiftly by:
Oh, darling, no. Those will never fit you. I do not mean to insinuate anything mean by that, but the sizes for women's intimate wear simply isn't done on the same scale that a handsome young man like you must be used to.
The world crushed upon Flash with a horrible new weight. He felt himself sinking deeper and deeper into his driver's seat, his poor weak eyes glued to the cell phone.
Thankfully, that adhesive soon melted away as Rarity continued:
Tell you what. Do you have measuring tape at home? Find the measurements of your waist as well as the furthest extent of your hip and share them with me. Better yet, come to Carousel Boutique tomorrow afternoon and I can do the measuring for you.
Flash's lips pursed. He felt his grip of the bag slowly slipping as the phone warmed like a scented candle in his grasp.
You're a good friend, Flash, and you shan't worry your head about a thing. I promise I will make you something ten times as fabulous as they carry on their overrated little shelves. And at no cost! Comfort belongs to all living things, especially tender-hearted souls such as you. For now, I've got a movie to see with my lady friends. You should most definitely join us next time. ~Ta-Ta!~
The message ended, and a brand new silence filled the car, as if Flash had been listening to her velvety voice in-person that entire time.
He sighed again, but all of the shivers were gone. He felt a toastiness spreading through his young frame, and he sat up in the car seat with renewed energy.
The bag dropped limply in the passenger side like a drunken hitchhiker. If Flash was smart, he would return the items—untouched—to the store within a day or two for his money back. But Flash Sentry wasn't smart; he was a horny eighteen-year-old.
Only now—he was happy too.
The motor roared and he was off while Kylie Minogue sang him to giggles.
Author's Note
